Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Hello.

Carla, what are you doing in?

You're not due in for another hour.

I had to get out of my house. It was a zoo.

Serafina took the hedge clippers to the shag carpet.

Little Lotte unplugged the refrigerator

to see if frozen peas melt faster than ice cream.

Gino made a volcano for a science project

in the microwave.

And on top of everything else,

me and Eddie had a big fight.

Oh, geez, what about?

He had the nerve to say I don't know how to control my kids.

I don't know. We just

Hello. Cheers can't seem to see

eye to eye on the right way to discipline 'em.

Carla, it's for you. Oh...

God...

Hello.

I thought we settled this.

No, you definitely cannot hit him.

No, you cannot lock him in the closet,

and you absolutely cannot wash

his mouth out with soap.

Anne-Marie, you untie your stepfather right now!

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Cheers.

Yeah, hi, Carla.

Bye, Carla.

Hey, what was that about?

Uh, it's just... Carla reminding us it's her night off.

Normie, you, uh... you ever feel

like we're getting in a little rut here?

How do you mean, Cliff?

Well, every day, we come into the same bar,

sit on the same stools, drink beer, night after...

I mean, there's got to be something

a little bit more to life.

Cliffie, for the last time,

I am not changing barstools with you.

Well, I, for one, applaud your desire

to shake things up a bit, Cliff.

Sometimes I think

I'd give anything for a change... No matter how slight...

In this deadly, unvarying routine of life.

What can I get you, Dr. Crane?

The usual.

So, Sam, uh, anything

interesting in the corporate newsletter there?

Oh, well, let's see here. Uh... yes.

Did you know that the, uh, corporation that owns this bar

purchases one percent of all the string made in America?

Whoo! My blood pressure, Sam, please.

Aw, come on, guys.

There must be something going on in our lives

that we can talk about.

Well, Norm, what did you do today?

Well, I just about finished the first coat of paint

at Cliff's apartment.

Oh, yawns all around. Next?

Oh, I got a ticket this weekend.

Oh, Woody, we're not that desperate.

Ah, speak for yourself. Parking or moving?

Parking, but it was my own fault.

I, uh... I let the meter run out

while I was watching them film Spencer for Hire.

What?

Spencer for Hire? That's my favorite!

Was Robert Urich there?

Oh, yeah. It's his show.

And you saw him?

Oh, my God!

Oh, eh, well, Normie over here's met him.

You lie!

What's he really like?

Well, you know,

he just sped past me in his BMW,

but he seemed like a real courteous driver.

You know, I've heard that about him.

Oh, would...

would you stop it?

I mean, the guy puts his pants on one leg at a time

just like everybody else.

Why is everybody so gaga over actors?

Hold it, hold it.

I'm still picturing him with his pants down around his ankles.

So, Wood, how long did you watch them film?

Till some guy came up and put me in one of the crowd scenes.

Now, wait... You were in a scene with him?!

I can't believe it!

Woody!

Whoa! You're going to be on national TV?

Weren't you nervous?

Oh, yeah, I was, until I talked to Mr. Urich.

You talked to him?

I'm dying! What did he say?

He said it was a cold day.

And what did you say?

I agreed with him.

Ooh, good move.

Then I loaned him my gloves.

Yeah? What'd he say?

Thanks.

Oh! Can't you

just hear him?

You know, the truth is I know how you feel.

I felt the same way about Haley Mills...

when I was 12.

When weren't you 12?

Hello, ladies, can I help you?

We're here about the book club.

Oh, you probably have us confused

with the public library.

Happens all the time. It's two blocks down.

This is Cheers, isn't it? - Oh, yes.

But there's no way... Excuse me. I'm Rebecca Howe.

- You must be Mrs. Miller. - Yes.

We're here to make the final arrangements

for our Sunday night meetings.

Great. Well, let me show you the back room.

I hope everything suits your needs.

Yoo-hoo! Uh, Miss Howe, can I speak to you for a minute?

Uh, you go on ahead,

and I'll join you in just a minute.

What is... what is this about a-a book club?

Ever since I arrived here,

I have been desperately trying

to upgrade the clientele in this bar.

We will upgrade some other night.

Sunday is the night that we have our weekly pool tournament.

You said it. That's right.

Well, just have your pool tournament another night.

Oh, right!

Like we can, uh, rearrange our schedule here. Right.

Well, what about Monday night?

Yo, guys, we got a lady right off the boat here,

doesn't speak any English.

Tell her what happens Monday night, will you, please?

Football!

How about Tuesday?

Darts Night.

Wednesday?

Well, recovery from Darts Night.

Thursday's Poker Night.

Friday's a night to howl.

And, uh, Saturday night is Date Night,

so, uh, where does that leave us?

Horny on Sundays. Yo.

The book club will meet here on Sunday, period.

Miss Howe? SAM: Oh, come...!

We have a few questions.

Of course. FRASIER: Say, excuse me.

I don't mean to be rude,

but, uh, do you ladies comprise a book club?

Yes, that's right.

Well, the salon of the '80s.

You know, it's encouraging to meet a group of adults

who still read in this day and age

rather than pay homage to the great god, television.

I can't tell you how heartened I am... Excuse me.

I have a cigarette going back there.

Of course. MAN: Hey, Woody,

when you were on the set there, you see any famous actresses?

Huh? No.

What about all the drug stuff you hear

about in show business... See any of that?

No.

There's a lot of that

juicy backstabbing

going on on the set? No.

Hey, guys, you got to hear these stories.

Yeah.

So, uh, Normie, you think you'll be,

uh, through, uh, painting my apartment tomorrow, or what?

Yeah, I'll finish up tomorrow.

Can you have a, uh, check ready for me, Cliff?

Well, I'll, uh... give you one now.

Uh, okay, pay to the order of Norman Peterson...

one zillion dollars!

There you go!

Buy yourself a yacht, young fella.

Cliff, uh,

you are going to pay me for this job, aren't you?

Hey, Normie, look, you, uh, didn't charge me last year

when you painted Ma's house, did you?

Well, that was before I was a professional.

Oh, I'll say. We never did get those windows unstuck.

Cliff, I finished half your place.

I'll be happy to come by and finish the rest of it, okay?

I'd appreciate a check. If you've got a problem

with that, why don't we work out a payment schedule right now?

Look, uh, Norm, money is not a problem.

You know that. It's just, uh, well, I'm not a cheap man.

Oh, a statement I'll wager has never been uttered

by anyone but a cheap man.

Look, Norm, if I knew you were

going to charge me for all this,

I would've demanded a better job.

Now, I've been letting you slide, buddy.

If you think the work is so worthless,

just finish it yourself, Cliff.

Well, uh, not that I couldn't.

I mean, it doesn't exactly take a Phi Beta Kappa

to stick a brush in a bucket, slap it on a wall, does it?

I mean, any monkey can do that, huh? Oh, yeah,

as opposed to the high level of skill and precision it takes

to shove a postcard through a slot.

That's enough, enough, okay, enough, Normie.

I'm, uh, waiting for an apology.

Fine. I'll drop it in the mail. That way, you'll never get it.

Well...

I certainly don't have to stand here and take that.

Mm, good news, everyone.

I've found a way to make him leave.

You'll rue this day, my friend.

I am going to make a laughingstock out of you

in front of your whole pseudo-profession.

Very Joan Crawford.

Oh, glad you guys could make it.

Hey, wipe your feet there, would you?

Hey, Mr. C., uh, what time's the game start?

Oh, any minute now, there, Woody.

Hey, look at this place.

So this is what you finally picked out, huh?

Oh, yeah. Was it everything

you'd thought it be, there, Sammy?

No, no, I like it.

Well, you know, I've been meaning

to have you guys over here for a while now.

I want to take this opportunity to, uh,

make a public apology to my pal Normie here.

I got out of line a little bit,

uh, the other night in the bar,

and, uh, I just hope you can, uh, find it in your heart

to forgive me, there, Norm.

Don't worry about it. I said some stupid things, too.

All right! Hey, hey, see that apple

in the underwear commercial there? Yeah.

He played a doorman in my Spencer for Hire.

Oh, yeah?

Talk about range.

You know, it's actually a good paint job, Cliff.

Oh, yeah, thanks, there, Normie.

You know, I, uh... you know,

I thought I could do this by myself,

but, uh, when I started, I realized

that I needed somebody with your specialized skills

and talents, eh...

Well, well, takes a big man

to admit that, Cliff. Ah...

Glad you appreciate the value of professional labor.

Oh, yeah, I sure do, uh...

Listen, if you guys don't mind, I'd like to introduce you

to the, uh, skilled artisan who did this fine work.

Yeah, he's in the, uh, bathroom over here, finishing up.

Uh, hey, Duane, come out here.

Cheers.

Oh, hang on a second.

Mr. Peterson, it's Mr. Clavin.

Come on, now, it's been a whole week.

Maybe he wants

to make up.

Take a message.

Can I take a message?

Okeydokey.

What'd he say?

What are you doing, there?

Miss Howe put moi in charge of refreshments

for the book club.

Well, yeah, but what are those?

Finger sandwiches.

You know, the part that takes

the most time is getting that middle knuckle right.

Woody, they don't actually have to look like fingers.

Yeah, right, Sam.

Boy, it hardly feels like a Sunday

without a pool cue in my hand. Yeah.

Why don't we go to Old Town Tavern, shoot some stick?

No, no, no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What, are you kidding? Tonight happens to be

Woody's big debut on Spencer for Hire.

Can't imagine what it's going to be like

to see, uh, somebody we actually know

up on that TV screen. Yeah.

Well, Norm, I'm-I'm loathe to chide you

for your short memory, but I appeared on the tube

just a few short weeks ago.

Oh, well, yeah, Frasier, uh,

no offense, but a bunch of do-gooders sitting around

jabbering about a nuclear freeze is one thing.

We're talking prime time cop show here.

Evening, ladies.

I'm really excited

about you being here.

The rest of your group's already in the back.

Oh, thank you very much.

It should be a special evening.

Tonight, we're discussing English agrarian life

before the Reform Bill

as portrayed in Elliot's Middlemarch.

Would you care to join us?

You know, actually,

we were just discussing that at the bar,

and I'm a little burned out on it. Oh.

Miss Howe?

I put the tea and the lemonade

in the back for the ladies,

and, uh, these are ready for you.

Thank you, Woody.

Woody, when I said I wanted finger sandwich...

These look delicious.

Excuse me.

Yes, yes, yes.

I'm missing something in my tea.

All right, uh, lemon here? Sugar?

A touch of brandy.

Ah. Well, all right.

There you go.

Don't be shy.

Thank you very much.

Bye-bye.

Hey, hey, everybody. My Spencer for Hire is on.

Woody, when's your big scene?

It's hard to tell.

You know, in television, we shoot out of sequence.

I wonder if you might have a little gin back there.

Gin, in a bar?

Uh... whoa!

It's your lucky day. There you go.

Thank you.

See, I've had this cold.

That's, that's the street I was on!

That's my scene!

Woody! Woody! Woody!

There I am! Where?! Where?!

Where are you?

There! Right there in the corner!

That's a fire hydrant.

No, no, right next to it.

That's my sleeve!

Woody, we can't see your face.

What?! Don't you recognize my shirt?

That distinctive plain white one?

All right, well, now it's gone

to commercial. You missed it.

Oh, Woody, you telling me...?

That's it?! MAN: Hey, you know,

lots of people have white shirts.

And arms.

How do we know

you were even on the show, Woody?

Of course I was.

Oh, you got to believe me.

Oh, yeah, I bet that's you

driving the little chuck wagon right now, huh?

Yah! Yah!

No, no, no. I swear.

I met Robert Urich and everything.

Yeah, Wood, let us know when your pants

are on Dallas.

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor? ♪

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ What shall we do with a drunken sailor ♪

♪ Earl-aye in the morning? ♪

♪ Hey-oh, up she rises ♪

God, not again.

♪ Hey-oh, up she rises, hey-oh... ♪

What the hell is happening to our book club?

I think it had something to do

with that last round of margaritas.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

That does it!

I am putting a stop to this right now.

No, let me handle this. You're not used to

dealing with those rowdy book club types.

Sam, this is my bar. I am in charge.

All right. I am perfectly capable of restoring order.

You are so cute when you're macho.

Hey, Woods.

I'm just curious, um,

did a lot of other shirts audition for that role?

Hey, Woody,

there's an article in here that says your shirt

is now dating Morgan Fairchild.

But she says they're just friends.

Come on, guys.

I'm telling you, I really did do it.

Sure thing, Woody.

Cheers.

Oh, hi, Robert Urich.

Yeah, yeah, this is your old pal, Woody.

Oh, well, I thought

your performance was wonderful tonight, too.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What? Oh, uh, yeah, that shirt?

Yeah, I-I picked it out myself.

Uh, Sears, I think.

Yeah, okay, well, thanks for calling.

I'll see you around the studio.

All right, bye.

See?

How could we have ever doubted him?

Boy, do we have egg on our face, huh?

Go on!

Boy you sure, uh...

you sure taught them a lesson, didn't you?

By the way, what,

what do they do with a drunken sailor?

Malone?

Get in there.

Oh, so you do need me, huh?

The right man for the job.

No, no, no. You don't understand.

They asked for you.

They did?

Yes, they said,

"Send in..."

Did you hear that? What did you...?

Could you say that slower, please?

"The tall hunk with the rippling rump."

And you automatically thought of me.

Isn't that interesting?

Would you just get them out of here, please?

I will ripple them into submission.

Are you catching that?

Said the monkey to the...

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hi, Cliff. Hey, where's your monkey?

Oh, no, it's not my monkey.

I just rented him to play a little, uh, joke on Normie.

Good one, huh, Zippy?

Yeah, it gets funnier

every time you mention it, Cliff.

It was funny when you sent me over

that crate of bananas, really funny when you

started having my mail addressed to "Cheetah."

Particularly hilarious when you sent over the organ grinder.

You know, Cliff, you just keep getting funnier and funnier.

You get any funnier, I may have to kill you.

Ho! Ho! ho! Ho!

That's it, call the cops.

What are they doing?

They're grabbing me, teasing me,

making fun of me, and...

stuffing money down my shorts.

Hey, small bills, too.

That's great.

Fresh meat!

Fresh meat!

Send in the young one!

Fresh meat! Fresh meat!

Say, is the, uh, book club still meeting?

After a fashion.

Oh, well, good.

You know, I dropped by the office

and dug up an old paper I wrote when I was an undergrad.

I was always rather proud of it.

So I thought I might share it with them.

Frase, I don't think you understand

what's going on back there.

Oh, Sam, you're hardly one

to condescend to me.

Oh, ladies!

Good God!

Please! I'm a doctor.

Good night.

Bye-bye.

Good night. Good night.

Thank you.

Good night.

20...

40. Yeah. Not bad.

Not bad for a night's work.

You got for... I only got ten.

Well, Sam, perhaps you didn't, uh,

shake it until they couldn't take it.

Now, let me see. Where are my keys?

Oh, that's right.

I was using them as castanets.

What are you doing, Woody?

I'm wringing my hands with guilt.

Oh.

I don't think I've actually seen that before.

Why?

I told a terrible lie to the guys, Sam.

Oh, you mean about being on that TV show?

No, no, that was true, but...

I got a telephone call, and I pretended it

was Robert Urich on the other end.

I mean, I-I didn't hurt anybody or anything.

Although your-your plumber seemed a little confused.

Well, I'm...

Don't worry about it.

I'm sure everyone will forgive you.

But it was a lie, Sam,

and I've never told a lie before.

What? No, no, wait.

That's a lie. I-I've told lies...

See, now, that's two lies.

See how much easier it gets?

Oh, my God, I'm out of control.

What's next? Murder?

No, no, hey, Woody, Woody, Woody...

Woody, Woody.

Looks like the old pool tournament

is out again for next week.

Yeah. Oh, yeah? Fancy that.

Well, did you tell Norm?

When he hears that, he'll go ape.

Cliff, your delivery of jokes

is as bad as your delivery of the mail.

Oh! Oh!

Mighty Joe Young strikes back there.

How'd you become a mailman anyway?

What, did you flunk out of tollbooth school?

Hey, all right, now, that's a good one.

Yep.

Know why, uh, dogs hate mailmen?

They just want to be like everyone else.

All right, that's it. It's go time.

Okay, fellas, this is the guy I've been telling you about.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait! Wait! Wait! Wait!

No, come on! Come on! Come on! Cli... Look at yourselves, here.

Cliff! Cliff, this is your friend, Norm.

Norm, this is your buddy, Cliff.

You don't want to do this.

Now, do you?

All right, all right! Hey, whoa!

Somebody help me here, man, will you?

Hey, stop! Hey, stop it, now.

Listen, I...

You guys have been friends for years.

Think of all the things you've done together.

You, you... Drinking beer together.

And I'm sure there's a lot of other stuff, too.

Hey, you know,

you're partly at fault here.

You made fun of his profession,

and you refused to pay him.

And you, Norm...

Actually, you didn't do anything at all, did you?

I'll tell you what.

Why don't you let me hold him, and you biff him one?

I don't know, Sammy.

I just want this to be over with.

Yeah, me, too.

Well, I'm sorry, Norm.

Just... make out a bill, and I'll pay it.

I'll give you that discount.

All right, uh, I...

I guess that monkey stuff was a little bit out of line, huh?

It was actually pretty funny, but...

It's a small man who can't laugh at his own profession, you know?

Yeah. I just want to let bygones be bygones, all right?

And the important thing is we're just... still friends, hmm?

You mind, guys?

Oh, oh, no, sorry, sorry.

Hey, hey, come on.

Yeah, Normie, I'm, uh,

I'm sort of sorry about everything that happened.

Oh, well, Cliff, I'm even sorrier

for what's about to happen.

Huh? What do you mean?

You're dead meat, Peterson!

Let's go shoot some stick.

Hey, Woody.

Hey, Bob, how are you doing?

Fine. Look, I was just passing by,

and I wanted to return your gloves.

Thanks for letting me use them. Hey, my pleasure.

Listen, could you hang on a second? Sure.

I got some friends you'd love to meet.

Yeah.

Miss Howe?

You'll never guess who's here.

Bob Urich.

Woody, it's been a horrible night.

I'm really not in the mood to be teased.

No, no, it's the truth. He's really here.

Woody, go away!

She's a big fan of yours.

Hey, guys!

Bob Urich's here.

Oh, sure, Wood.

Who's he with, Liz Taylor?

You're not, are you?

No.

Look, uh, Woody, uh, we were shooting late,

and I'm having a few people over.

You want to come by?

You bet.

Yeah, come on. Great.

The car's right outside.

Could you hang on a second? I want to check here.

Sure. Hey, Sam, uh...

Yeah? Robert Urich's here.

Uh, he wants me to go over to his house.

Can I leave?

Woody, Woody, Wo...

All right, yeah, whatever you say.

Great, we're out of here.

Good night.

No.