All language subtitles for Cheers - 823 - The Ghost And Mrs

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Yeah, i'm sorry, sam.
All right,
i'll tell miss howe.

What's the matter with sammy?

Oh, he's not feelin' well.
He ain't gonna be in today.

Oh, a girl.

He probably won't be in
tomorrow, either.

2 girls.

He might not be in
the whole week.

The laker girls.

No, it's serious.

He thinks
he might have chicken pox.

Chicken pox.

That's pretty painful
for an adult,
and highly contagious, too.

Ok, ladies,
now, remember,

no matter how much i beg you,

don't scratch me.

Ok.

¶ Makin' your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes
you want to go ¶

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[people chattering]

lemme have a beer.

Sure.

Is sam around?

No, uh, he's not feelin' well.
He won't be in today.

What's wrong?

Well, i miss him.

Hey, hey, carla, check it out.
Look who's here.

Oh, my god.
Yeah.

Darryl mead,
number 43 for the sox.

Batted .270 last year.

And you should see him
in a pair of leather chaps.

When did you ever see him
in a pair of leather chaps?

Last night in my hot,
sweaty dreams.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait now--
yeah.

It was rodeo night!

Yahoo!

[Whooping]

whoo-hoo!

So go, uh, go over there
and ask him out, huh?

What do you say?

No, i couldn't do that.
Come on!

Come on, carla.
No, i'm not the kind of girl

who can just walk up
to some guy and say, "hi."

Why, carla,
what a refreshing thing
to hear from someone like you.

Well, why bother sayin' hi

when it's tattooed
on your thigh?

Where were you
when i was in college?

Carla!

Oh, darryl!
You remembered me.

How could i forget?

You know,
i saw you last night.

You were sensational.

We didn't play a game
last night.

Well, you sure scored.

So, carla,
are you still married?

No, i'm a widow now.

My husband passed away
several months ago.

Oh, gee, carla,
i'm so sorry.
Yeah.

I remember seein' eddie
play hockey.

He was the quickest
goalie on the ice.

I'm really sorry
about your loss.

Yeah, thanks.

It's been a few months,
but i'm still wearin' black.

No, you're not.

Darryl, trust me.

Beer?
Yeah.

All right.

Hey.
Yeah, look's like, uh,

cupid just shot his arrow
through carla's heart.

Yeah, yeah.

Hey, uh, when did carla
get a heart?

Well, kudos to carla.

It's healthy after a time
to curtail one's grieving

and recommence an interest
in the opposite sex.

I know if my frasier
were taken from me

in an unforeseen tragedy,

i would certainly
date again

after an acceptable period
of bereavement.

That gives me
a warm, fuzzy.

There'd be no sense in being
overly emotional, darling.

You'd be dead
and rotting in a box.

Woody, may i have
another beer, and, uh,

would you check on
the robot over there,
see if it's thirsty?

Hey, dr. Crane,
that's your wife.

Don't talk about her
like that.

What can i get you,
dr. Sternin-crane,

another quart of valvoline?

[All guffawing]

oh, look, you people,
stop it.

[In staccato]
i am not a robot.

[Door closing]

guess what, you guys?

I'm gonna be on television.

All right. What for?

Because i wrote a letter
to consumer patrol.

Ho! Consumer patrol,
with your host, art stickler.

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Don't you remember,

art stickler
got killed last month

testing that
new electric blanket.

He got electrocuted, huh?
No, no, no.

His wife shot him
when she found him under it
with his secretary.

They've been off the air
for somethin' like a month,

searching for a new host.

Whereas lilith would have
found one the next day.

So, what were you
complainin' about, miss howe?

Thank you for asking, woody.

Last month i purchased
a lady baldy.

A what?

It's this electronic
device for women,

and it's used to pull
leg hairs out by the roots.

I'm telling you, this monster
chewed my legs to bits.

Oh.

You know, and consumer patrol
has had a lot of reports
from other women

about the exact same thing,

but they chose me
to appear on television.

You must have written
a very eloquent letter.

Yes, i think i did.

Also, i took a piece
of stationery

and smacked it against
my bloody, mangled legs

and sent them that, too.

Guys, you're not going to
believe this.

What?

Darryl mead
just asked me out again.
All right!

You and darryl mead.
That is h-o-t.

I know!

Boy, you know,
this feels weird.

What?

My first date
since eddie's death.

Carla, it's perfectly natural
to be reticent about
reentering the dating scene,

but you've--you've
mourned

a respectful amount
of time.

You know,
i know of some women

who would shimmy right out
of their black dress

and start flirting
with the embalmer.

And, now,

i think it's time for you
to take those first

tentative steps
back into social interaction,

and, dare i say it, uh,

romance.

You know, frase,
you're right.

Eddie's gone,
and i'm here.

Come on, darryl,
let's barrel.

Great. Let me just
settle up.

All right.
I'll get a cab.

[Shrieking]

carla, what is it?

Nothing.

Guess it was just the wind.

All right, lilith,

let's just have out with it,
once and for all.

Should i pass on,

just who is it you'd be
smacking your lips at
over my open casket?

For god's sake, frasier,
all right.

If you were to die,
i would weep for days on end,

wear black
till the end of my life,

and never, ever, ever
let another man touch me

as long as i live.

This i would do in loving
remembrance of you. Ok?

Now, was that so hard?

Hey, you guys,

what do you think?

Is this dress all right
for consumer patrol?

Why wouldn't it be?

Well, i'm just afraid that

the audience might be
so distracted by my dress

that they won't listen
to what i have to say.

No, that's ridiculous.
Just state your case.

All these people
care about is

the grievous, bodily damage

that this product has
inflicted on your sensitive...

firm...

milky white flesh.

I just hope i'm prepared.

I don't want this guy
to throw me any curve balls.

Well, you want me to ask you
some practice questions?

Oh, sure.
If you don't mind.

No. No problem.
Let's see, uh,

ok, i got it.

Now, when you purchased
the lady baldy,

you knew full well that it
pulls hairs out by the root,
correct?

Yes, i did.

Then, wouldn't you
have to be a complete idiot

not to expect some irritation
or discomfort?

Come on,
what's your answer?

We're on television,
thousands of people
are watching.

Ok, ok, well, i guess--
oh, you guess?

Great, great, you guess!
Hey, this is a news show.

We're here for the facts.

All right,
so the facts are--

[imitates buzzer sounding]
too late.
They've gone to commercial.

You're what was.

Woody,

that was a mean,
vicious streak.

I've never seen
that side of you.

Where does that come from?

Well, our theater's doin'
a production of 12 angry men.

Yeah?

Yeah, we've only got 6,

so we have to be,
like, twice as furious.

Hi, guys.

Oh, back so soon from your
date with darryl mead?

Yeah. I left darryl
at the restaurant.

Feelin' kind of funny.

Uh-oh.
You're not comin' down
with somethin', are you?

Are you comin' down
with sam's chicken pox?

No. I just keep seein'
my dead husband, eddie,
everywhere.

Is he covered with spots?

Carla, when you say
you keep seeing eddie,

wha-- just what do you mean?

Just what i said.

I was havin' dinner
with darryl.

All of a sudden, i look down,

and i start seein'
eddie's face everywhere.

It was so strange.

I looked at my steak,

i see eddie's face.

I look at my broccoli,
i see eddie's face.

Well, we've all seen that.
I mean,

let's face it.
Eddie looked like broccoli.

What a terrible
experience, carla.

Um, what do you suppose

triggered this
bizarre apparition?

Well, it's obvious, isn't it?

Eddie's spirit does not
want me to be on that date.

He's come back
from beyond the grave

to tell me not to go out
with darryl mead.

Oh, carla, you can't
be serious. I mean,

ghouls do not rise
from their resting place

just to ruin
your dating life.

Well, vera did.

Now, why wouldn't eddie
want you to go out
with darryl?

I don't know,
but there must be
a good reason.

Anyway,
i get the message, eddie.

You hear that?

I'm not goin' out
with darryl mead.

Ok?

Thanks for the warning.

Feel free
to rest in peace now.

[Laughs]

well. Glad that's over with.

[Sighing]

so what'll it be?

[Shrieking]

[gasping]

[exclaiming]

[shrieking]

[glasses tinkling]
no! No!

Carla, it's all right.
He's over there!

He's over there!
He's over there!
Now, listen, carla.

Carla?
Carla, listen to me.

No!
Listen to me.

Open your eyes
and look around.

Now, you see?
Nobody's there.

Oh, the dead!

Oh, no, carla, carla,
that's lilith!

Granted, she could use
a little sun.

Now, carla.

Ca-carla,

um, here, carla,

i'm sorry.

I'm sorry, carla.
I--i should have warned you.

How's the toe,
dr. Crane?

Oh, not so good, woody.
Thanks.

I should have warned you
about the--

the tricks the mind
can play on one

during periods
of emotional transition.

Oh, it wasn't a trick,
frasier. I saw him.

I saw eddie. He was--

he was everywhere.

I mean, this bar was lousy
with eddies.

(All)
ooh!

He's got somethin'
to tell me.

And, it's more than just me
going out with darryl.

I mean, he's got a message
from beyond the grave,

and he's not gonna rest
until he tells me what it is.

Carla, listen to me.

I think it's important
that you talk with someone.

Oh, yes.

Frasier, i gotta talk
to somebody.

I'd be glad to give you
a list of reputable doctors,

who'd be willing to give you
treatment on a sliding scale.

The important thing
is seeking the aid

of a competent professional.

Right.

Hello, madame lazora?

This is carla lebec.

I want to make
an appointment

to speak with the dead.

Speak with the dead?
You can't be serious.

I got to find out what
eddie's tryin' to tell me.

Oh, great.

Thank you.

Ok, i'll see you then.

Boy, she's good.

She knew
i was gonna call.

Carla,
this psychic business

i-i-it's just a crutch
to avoid reality.

I mean, it's very easy
for people to get hooked

on this hocus-pocus,
and it--

well, before you know it,
this woman will be holding
your hand once a week,

charging you
$100 an hour,

and filling your mind with
all sorts of confusing jargon.

And how is that
different from you?

Well, um...

i can prescribe drugs.

(Rebecca on t.V.)
And obviously, dennis,

i'm not alone in my belief

that the company
that manufactures
the lady baldy

is irresponsible,

unconscionable,

and simply out
for a quick buck.

He's being way too easy
on her.

I'd have had her
in tears by now.

Well, miss howe,
as you know,

our crack staff
has traced through
numerous false fronts

to unearth the culprit.

Fine. I say we have them
hunted naked

through the streets
by dogs.

And we have succeeded
in learning that
the makers of the lady baldy

is lesco ventures.

Ladies and gentlemen,
write that down.

Boycott all
lesco ventures' products.

Which is merely a subsidiary
of a major conglomerate

owned by millionaire
financier robin colcord.

Nailed her! Yes!

Miss howe,
you'll be pleased to know

we've submitted a formal
complaint in your name

to colcord industries.

Oh.

I didn't wanna complain.

Why would i complain?

This is a wonderful product.

Look.

[Epilator buzzing]
now, you see that?

[Moaning]
you see how smooth
and silky...

there.

Um, miss howe--
and another thing, dennis,

if you don't quit harassing
the good people
who work for lady baldy,

well, then i'm afraid
i'm gonna have to
take action against you.

Dennis, do you have
a styptic pencil?

So, carla,

what do we have to
look forward to

when madame lazora arrives
this evening?

A group of us
holding hands in a circle
around 13 black candles

while the ghost of houdini
leads us in
a rousing rendition

of don't get around
much anymore?

Frasier, if i might say so,

a good scientist
does not close his mind
to alternatives,

especially when it comes
to the welfare of a patient.

Oh, that's very
open-minded, lilith.

This, from a woman
who has left and right
sock drawers.

A person can have
different-sized feet.

We've had this discussion.

Carla.

Oh, madame lazora.

It's so good of you
to come on short notice.

My pleasure.

So, this is your workplace.

It's just as you
described it.

The faces of the dead
linger here.

Whoa! Boy, oh, boy.

You mean you're in,
uh, contact with the spirits
already?

No, i was talking about
lard butts like yourself.

Have a seat. I'm getting
things ready over there.
Thank you.

Madame lazora,

i'm dr. Frasier crane,

scientist,

and, a rational
human being.

I feel it's my duty
to warn you

that i'm going to be
watching you, madame,
with a jaundiced eye,

ready to expose you
at the sign
of the first floating head.

Oh, i'm shaking.

Young man,

if you are not careful,
you are about to lose

a sum of money
in the near future.

That is amazing.
How'd she know that?

Maybe it's the wallet
hanging out
of your back pocket.

Wow.

Coincidence?

I think not.

Uh, madame lazora,

let's get this show
on the road.

Everything's ready over here.

Uh, madame lazora,

i'm dr. Lilith sternin-crane.

Would you permit me
to observe quietly?

I'm fascinated
with the notion

of parapsychological
phenomena.

Well,
if carla has no objection.

You see, for my purposes,

the psychic flow is stronger,

it's more condensed
surrounded by people

who have
potent spiritual energy.

Yeah, well, you don't have
to ask me twice.

No way.

No, no, no, carla,
it's fine.

He will attract
the negative energy away
from the rest of us

like a lightning rod.

Glad to do my part.

You.

You have a nice pink aura.

Well, i, uh, eat right.

Good. Sit.

Now,

could you kindly
dim the lights a little,
please?

Now,

i want you all
to concentrate

on the deceased,

and i will attempt
to summon his spirit
into our midst.

I'm scared.
Norm, hold my hand.

All right. You got it.

Woods, hold my hand.

Um, lilith, could you
please pass me a straw?

We call upon the spirit
of the deceased,

guy edward lebec.

Sweet spirits, we await you.

Eddie,

speak to carla.

[Slurping]

sorry.

Eddie.

Eddie lebec.

Why isn't he answering,
madame lazora?

Better you should ask
the wind why it blows,
or it does not blow.

Ok.

Cliff,
why isn't he answering?

Uh, well, if you'll excuse
me, madame lazora,

the ectoplasmic membrane--

wait, wait, wait.

I sense something.

I--i feel a presence.

[Glasses tinkling]
oh, my god! It's ed!

Eddie's returned.

[Jingling]

made you look,
made you look!

Frasier, don't be such
an insensitive clod.

Oh, come on!
This is ridiculous!

You know, there is a reason
why she can't contact him.

You've all overlooked
one important thing.
The man is dead, people!

Was i the only one
at the funeral, hmm?

I mean, this is a sham.

This woman is a fake,
a charlatan,

a mountebank.

How dare you criticize
my spiritualist?

Do you think it's easy
to communicate with the dead?

Has it ever occurred to you
that maybe it isn't her fault?

Maybe eddie
doesn't want to be raised.

Maybe he doesn't have
anything to say to me.

Maybe he hasn't been
spooking me at all.

How do you know
that the problem
isn't all in my head?

Did you ever think of that,
mr. Big-time shrink?

Maybe i'm just conjuring up
all these images of eddie

because i'm afraid to go out
on my first date in 3 years.

Eddie.

Eddie is here.

Eddie says,
"you are right, carla."

Oh.

It's a miracle.

You're a genius.

Oh, for the love of god.

You saw it.

You just choose
not to believe.

Why do i come in here?

Perhaps for a little free
seance action?

I'm spent.

Eddie has passed over.

The spirits have left us.
May they rest in peace.

The seance is over.

Well, thank you.

That was really somethin',
huh, cliffie?

Oh, yeah, i'll say.

Boy, i--i--i seen fire,
and i seen rain.

Cliff, everyone's seen
fire and rain.

Oh. Well, then, i guess
i got nothin' to say.

I tell ya,
tonight really made
a believer out of me.

Really?

Yep. From now on,
it's beer through a straw.

Here's your check,
madame lazora.

It's worth
every penny of it.

Thank you.
Thank you.

You see, doctor?

15 minutes, $250,
and that's take-home.

I don't pay taxes.
I'm not a citizen.

If you'll excuse me,
i'm off to my jaguar.

I left it on a loading zone.

I would hate to lose it.
I paid cash.

A jaguar.

She's gonna have problems.

Well, i gotta be goin'.

I'm gonna try to
catch up with darryl.

Carla, i'm glad to see
you've made your peace
with the great beyond.

(Carla)
yeah.

Now i'm gonna go
grab a piece

of the great behind.

Go with grace,
sweet spirit.