Original subtitles

(Carla) cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Friends, congratulate me.

I've just had my first 3 consecutive hours of sleep

since i became a father.

Lilith's been makin' you get up with the baby at night when it cries, huh?

Well, being a progressive couple, we actually take turns,

but last night as she was gently nudging me

with one of her serrated elbows,

i fell back on the old yoga trick

of lowering my heart rate,

holding my breath,

and staring blankly as though i was dead.

And that worked?

Nope. Didn't buy it for a minute.

See, i forgot it was she that taught me that trick during our honeymoon.

You know, this, uh, gettin' up in the middle of the night

with the cryin' baby stuff, that's...

that's the reason i never had kids.

That's the only reason, huh, cliff?

Yeah, well, that and the fact that my mother taught me

to have a healthy respect

for the evils of overpopulation,

know what i mean? Hmm.

Yeah, you know, i--i can still remember her lookin' at me and sayin',

"for the love of god, cliffie, let it stop with you."

¶ Making your way in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything you've got ¶

¶ taking a break from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ¶

ok, people, i've got a special day planned with robin,

so i'm leaving the bar in your control.

(Rebecca) i want everything shipshape.

Carla, straighten up your apron.

Woody, fix your hair.

Sam, stop fixing your hair.

Robin'll be by shortly, and he's taking the day off.

Oh, how nice for you. Oh, good.

Nice?

I don't think you understand the significance of this.

Men like robin colcord do not take days off.

He had to shift appointments, put off deals,

cancel plane flights.

When a man like robin takes a day off,

it is a major commitment.

While for me, it's a way of life.

So, i guess this is some kind of honor,

him hangin' out with you instead of his other babe.

You know the chick from the french consulate.

That chick is in paris being debriefed.

Oh, i thought robin was in charge of that.

You know, i am really not jealous of her.

I don't care, i am winning.

It is obvious he prefers me.

And he's never taken a whole day off

[in french accent] with jeanne marie.

Well, maybe she has

[in french accent] a real job.

So, what do you plan on doing?

Oh, nothing special. We're just gonna

play it by ear, go with the flow.

Hey, miss howe,

i finished ironing your wardrobe for the day.

Why didn't you tell me the iron has a spray setting?

I got all dried out spittin' on your clothes.

Thank you, woody.

So, what's all this?

Today, robin and i are gonna live out every fantasy i've ever had,

and i want to be properly attired.

So, this is for the beach, walking hand in hand,

picnic in the park, paddle boats,

zoo,

seventh row, phantom of the opera,

and this...

is for the end of a romantic evening.

You plannin' on locking your keys in your car, miss howe?

Yes, woody.

Well, you've gone to a lot of trouble.

How long have you been plannin' this?

Since my first day of puberty.

Ah, pubescence,

(cliff) an emotional time.

I don't mind saying it, puberty was one long nightmare for me.

How's that, cliff?

Ma wouldn't allow it in the house.

Well, on the lovely array of images that brings to mind,

i'm going to adjourn to the back room.

I'm ready for a game of darts if anybody's man enough.

Sorry, i'm busy.

[Clearing throat] uh, i will, i'll play you for a beer.

Oh, want to make a little wager, huh?

No, no, if you, uh, buy me a beer, i'll play you.

Sam? Set up my friend norm, here.

Hello, rebecca.

Hi, sweet baby.

Mmm!

Are you ready for the most relaxing, exciting day of your life?

I most certainly am. I just have to make one phone call first.

Wait? It isn't business, is it?

On my day off?

[Scoffing] certainly not.

Ah, yes. This is, uh, colcord.

Give me 5,000 shares of metronix international.

Robin?

Oh, yes. Well, i'll call you later, aunt beryl.

God bless.

So, uh, what would you like to do today?

Ok, i'd like to go to the beach, then i'd like to go paddle-boating,

to the zoo-- oh, yes. Your, um,

first day of puberty dream. It had slipped my mind.

Well, let's be off, eh? Ok, i'll get ready.

Oh, i have to get into my beachcombing outfit.

Oh, and here's yours.

Right here.

And--and here,

is a little terry-cloth cap for you to wear.

No.

Fine.

Hey, mr. Colcord, i think it's great

that you're takin' a day off.

You know, back in hanover, we used to always take sundays off.

Yeah, me and the family used to dress in our best clothes

and sit in the parlor, and read from the good book.

Then afterward, me and my brother would go out to the barn

and read from a bad book.

I loved sundays.

Well, i whupped 'em both.

Oh, yeah, frasier. You definitely threw the one

that came closest to the dartboard.

Now, what is that unusual taste?

Ah, yes! Sour grapes.

So, does anybody else wish to

snatch the laurels of victory from my brow?

Well, something's gotta cover that beach you call a forehead.

Mr. Colcord.

You english guys, you--you play darts a lot, don't you?

Oh, yes, we english do nothing but sit around in pubs,

sipping thick, warm ale, throwing darts incessantly,

dropping our h's, and singing god save the queen,

that's all we do in england.

Well, that film strip they showed in junior high

was right on the money.

No, i'm sorry i snapped.

It's, um, not because of you people.

It's this business of, um, sitting around all day,

doing nothing.

Gets on my nerves, you know.

Or, um,

maybe it is you people.

So, darts. Who shall i thrash first?

Well, i'll play you for a beer.

Oh, a little wager.

Mmm, not exactly.

[Inaudible]

that guy is so damn arrogant.

Yup. He likes his beer, too.

No, i was talkin' about robin.

Yeah, but you must admit,

mr. Peterson can cop an attitude.

You know, i--i--i hope normie just knocks him down a peg or 2.

Yeah, well, we all know that norm isn't the best darts player in the bar.

And we all know who is, don't we, sammy?

Come on! No, no, i don't want to play him.

I mean, it's one thing when you play friends,

that's kind of fun, you know?

But when you start playin' people you don't like,

other things kinda enter in.

You start thinkin' about those times

that he screwed you out of all that money,

or how he, uh, beat you to rebecca

after you worked on her for all those years,

and how he always makes you kinda feel

like a stupid, know-nothing jerk

with lousy clothes and a stupid job.

You know somethin', i'm gonna kick that guy's royal butt!

[All cheering] (man) hey! Way to go, robin!

You know, it just isn't fair.

I came in to-- i wanted to be one of the guys.

All i'm doin' is sittin' on my duff, watchin' other people do things.

Welcome to normworld.

Keep your hands inside the car at all times.

Hi, darling. Ready to go to the beach?

I've been to the beach, thank you.

Well, why didn't you ask me to go?

I did, i came in here and screamed your name out at least a half a dozen times.

I thought you were cheering me on.

You mean you had to go to the beach all by yourself?

No, i went with woody.

I did all those stupid things that i dreamed of doing.

We walked on the shore,

and we fed the seagulls, and we skipped stones.

I buried woody up to his neck in the sand, and...

oh, my god. Woody!

All right, last shot! Sammy needs a bull's-eye to win.

All right. You mean one of these here?

[All cheering]

sammy wins!

Are you sure about the score?

Absolutely. I kept score with peanuts.

This is you. This is sam. Norm?

That's right. Uh, 250 to 249.

You know, if you hurry, i think you can catch up with rebecca there.

Do you fancy another game, sam?

Oh, no, come on. It's over.

Let's just walk away from this,

a winner and a loser.

Say, boys, who was the winner again?

(All) sammy! Sammy! Sammy!

Well, if not darts, what about a--

a friendly game of pool, eh?

No, no, i never like to nail a guy twice in one afternoon.

You haven't lived.

Well, perhaps i could make the...

i could make the prospect a little more enticing

if we threw in a wager, huh?

Shall we say... um, here, uh, one u.S. Dollar?

[All murmuring] (norm) whoa!

Big spender, eh?

One lousy buck?

Well, you see, sam,

a real sportsman wouldn't consider it a lousy buck,

but a trophy.

Something to be held over the head of the vanquished.

A symbol of victory.

All right. Lag for break.

Although i can't understand why anyone would get that excited about

winning a dollar.

¶ Nah, nah, nah, nah

(all) ¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ hey, hey, hey

¶ goodbye

¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ nah, nah, nah, nah

¶ hey, hey, hey

[whooping] ¶ goodbye

oh, don't feel bad, robin.

You'd have beat him if you'd called that last shot.

You mean the one that ricocheted off that mailman's head?

Yep. Now, if you'd said:

"8-ball off of cliffie's temple,"

then maybe this portrait of george washington might be yours.

Uh, by the way, boys, which president was he again?

Number one! Number one! Number one!

Hey, cliffie!

Hey, how you feel, cliff?

Oh, fine, fine. Just a little crack in the head. All right.

So, uh... oh, who won the game?

Sammy.

Ah, did you? That's great. That's great.

Carla, how about a beer here, huh? Thanks.

So, uh, who won the game?

Sammy did. Yeah.

No kiddin'? Gee, that's great, sam.

How about a beer there, carla, huh?

Uh, cliff,

what do you say we trot on down

to the old emergency room just for fun, huh?

Yeah, yeah. Sure thing, frase.

So, who won that game?

So, do you fancy another game, sam?

Whoo, boy, robin, you are a glutton.

Well, it's not often i meet someone who can offer me such a challenge.

I must confess,

i rarely lose.

Really? Well, you're a natural at it.

[Guffawing] hey!

Yes, you're very kind.

It's not surprising you beat me at these physical games.

I mean, all they depended upon

were simple hand-to-eye coordination,

animal cunning.

I mean, these are the only things you're adroit at.

Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.

No one calls me a droit.

(All) sammy!

Sammy!

Sammy!

No, but, how do you think you would fare

in a game whose outcome

rested purely on intelligence,

acumen,

cognitive reasoning?

Ok.

Carla, break out the yahtzee.

No. I--i was referring

to the age-old game of chess.

Or don't you indulge in such sport

in this cultural wasteland?

[All protesting] hey, hey!

Wait a minute.

Are you talkin' about my country?

No, i'm talkin' about this bar.

Oh? Well, you don't know the half of it.

Yeah, all right. Ok.

I'll-- i'll play you a little game of chess.

But let's not, uh, go for this weenie dollar bet, here.

I'll tell you what.

Double or nothin'.

Well, what d'you say-- what do you say we make it

something worth our while?

Both of us, eh? Um, a week's pay.

My salary

against your salary.

Uh, that's not exactly fair, now.

You--you don't make tips.

[All laughing]

and what do you say, sam?

All right. Sure.

Fine.

Right. I'm going back to my penthouse,

and i'll get my chess set.

And i'll see you in an hour, sam.

I'll be here.

Boy, sammy, i am impressed.

I mean, you have put a lot on the line.

You have any idea how much that guy takes home in a week?

I tell ya, that's enough money for me to buy back this bar.

Yes! We are home free.

All right, sammy.

All i gotta do is learn how to play chess in an hour.

Uh, you know, what the heck. It's gotta be easier than yahtzee.

Oh, here's where everybody is.

Frasier, how's cliff?

Oh, he's fine, fine.

He'll be all right, i think.

They wanna keep him under observation for a while

until he's completely normal.

Gee, i never got to say goodbye.

So, uh, what is all this, anyway?

Oh, you're gonna love this.

[Chuckling] see, sammy and robin

are playin' chess for one week's wages, right?

We got this computer chess game

so that sammy can beat robin.

And norm is gonna feed him all the right moves over this headset.

Well, i hate to spoil your fun with a moral voice,

but, uh, isn't that what we used to call cheating?

I mean, isn't that just like stealing robin's money?

No, frasier, i'm not doin' this for the money.

I just wanna get the satisfaction

of seein' his expression when he gives me the check.

And once it's in my hand, oh.

I will rip it up and throw it in his face.

Maybe.

So, where did you get all this expensive listening equipment, anyway?

Oh, this is pete's stuff. He uses this stuff all the time.

Pete, are--are you a surveillance expert?

No. My wife sleeps around a lot.

All right! Bird for 3!

Sam, are you going to play chess or listen to your basketball game?

I can do both.

King's rook

to queen one.

Ok.

King's rook to queen one.

Well, in that case, uh,

my horsey guy takes your little pointy-headed guy.

You know,

you're a-- you're a fascinating opponent,

obviously unskilled in the finer points of the game.

You have an instinctive raw talent that pulls you through

and makes me want to squash you like a bug.

Queen takes bishop. Check.

All right! Jump ball!

Oh, god! I wish you could hear this game, you guys. Sam? Sam. Here.

Sam? I checked. I checked. Yeah? Oh.

Sorry. Check. All right, uh...

well, in that case, um,

my castle takes your queen.

Get out of that, rich boy.

(Rebecca) well.

Robin.

Woody and i have been to the beach,

we have been to the zoo,

we went paddle-boating,

we saw phantom.

Oh, it was wonderful. Thank you for asking.

Woody was a model escort,

except for one little annoying habit of constantly asking me,

"is this part scary? Is this part scary?"

It was. Thank you for asking.

I am going to go freshen up,

and then we are going to a late supper.

Oh, uh, actually, miss howe, i'm not really hungry.

I was talking to robin.

Oh, yeah.

Dream on.

Norm, how many times have i told you

i don't want you in here trying to erase your bar tab?

Oh, come on.

Come on, you think i would do something as deceitful as that?

I'm only trying to help sammy cheat at chess.

That's terrible.

Can you step on it?

Robin and i can still make that supper.

I'm tryin', i'm tryin',

but, i tell ya, my bar tab's eatin' up

most of the memory on this computer.

(Sam) ...pointy-headed guy, here. Hey, hey. Sammy's talkin'.

Yeah, yeah, it was very clever of you

to have moved your pointy-headed thing

to the white square

second from the bottom on the far right.

All right, sam. Ok, here we go.

[Bleeping]

holy cow. It went blank.

Pardon me?

What?

I said, "pardon me."

I burped.

No, you didn't.

Well, you couldn't hear me, but i did,

and i'm sorry.

Oh.

Well, then, gesundheit.

I didn't sneeze.

Well, perhaps you will one day, and i won't hear it.

I can't get the board back. He's on his own.

Oh, poor sammy.

Oh, come on, guys, we've seen sammy

in situations like this hundreds of times.

You know, the--the game's on the line,

the best hitter's comin' up to the plate,

men on second and third.

And who do they call in?

"Mayday" malone with his slider of death.

And what would he do?

Well, he'd usually give up a 3-run homer.

It was sam's teammates who called it "the slider of death."

So, they had a man on first

and a man on second.

Who do they call in but old "mayday" malone

with his slider of death.

Why did they call it that?

None of your business.

That's very nice, but your time is running out, sam.

Move or forfeit.

Ah...

all right, fine, there.

That's either the stupidest move in the world, or...

that 's very clever, sam.

What will you do when i move my bishop

to king knight 5?

I don't know.

Oh, is this, uh, horsey guy mine?

Yes.

Well, ahem,

gonna move that here,

and that's...checkmate.

What?

Well, yeah. Yeah, i win. That's checkmate.

[Laughing] yeah.

Yeah. You shouldn't have moved your cardinal, bub.

Bishop! It's called a bishop!

And i only moved him because your last move was so incredibly stupid,

that i thought you were up to something clever.

Yeah. Well, sometimes incredibly stupid is clever enough for me.

Why did you do that? Up to then, you were playing

a classic alekhine's defense,

and i was matching you every step of the way.

Why in the world did you make that stupid move?

Wait, wait.

Which one of you told him

to make that stupid move?

You knew? What do you think i am, an idiot?

What gave me away?

Well, for starters,

the basketball game which you were supposed to be listening to

was on the television set behind you,

and it had been over for about an hour.

Boy, those english guys are clever.

No wonder we lost that war.

No.

We didn't lose the war. We won it.

Oh, right. Then how come we speak english?

Hey, man, come on, you know,

just don't be a droit.

All right, all right. If you knew this game was fixed,

then how come you went along with it?

Are you joking?

That was the only thing about the game that held any challenge for me, samuel.

Ok, so you knew it was fixed and yet you went ahead and played.

I say that i won, fair and square.

You owe me. One week's salary. Come on, bud.

And don't, uh, leave out any of those little zeros, there.

Oh, right you are, sam.

Um, i must preface this by saying that, um,

in order to keep my tax bracket low, i am a corporation.

And the nominal salary i pay myself

as president of that corporation

is $1 a year,

which means that, uh, my weekly salary after taxes is...

one penny.

(Rebecca) well, well.

One penny.

Sam,

you used all this electronic paraphernalia to cheat,

and what did it get you?

One penny.

And you, robin.

You take the one day off that you've had in years,

and what do you do with it?

You spend the whole day fighting over...

one penny.

And what about me?

You take the one day

that i have always dreamed about,

and you turn it into the most depressing,

pathetic day of my life.

Oh, woody, i'm sorry. I had fun with you!

Look what you did!

You know, you're right, rebecca.

I've been acting like a fool.

You see, for one moment, i actually lost control

of that competitive edge

which built my empire.

Yeah. I apologize.

And what did you learn, sam?

Well, i learned that it's not that much fun to play games

if all you're worried about is winning or losing.

I'm sorry that we ruined your day like that.

I guess i said a lot of childish things, there, robin.

I'm sorry, um,

you're a good sport.

[Clears throat] let's just call it even, shall we?

1, 2, 3, 4, i declare a thumb war.