All language subtitles for Cheers - 818 - Severe Crane Damage

(Cliff)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

[People chattering]

¶[all tapping rhythmically]

¶ we will,
we will rock you ¶

(all)
¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you
like to get away ¶

¶ sometimes
you want to go ¶

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you want to be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you want to go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

woody, uh, could i have
a glass of water there please?

You got a headache,
mr. Clavin?

No, no, no, just trying
to clear up a little rash
on my lower back.

Doc says
it's stress related.

You sure he didn't say
diaper related?

Cliffie, you're
stressing out, huh?

What's the deal,
buddy?

Uh, it's just job related.
You know how it is.

I thought
you just delivered the mail.

Woody, woody, woody,
a.K.A. Joe public.

You've got no idea
what it's like out there
in postman's hell.

Illegible handwriting,
parcels badly taped...

oh, boy, you can't even peek
in a window anymore

without people going crazy
on ya.

But still,
where would we all be

if--if your mailman
just disappeared on you?

Probably
just all fax things,

that way everything would
get there faster, cheaper,

and a whole lot
more efficiently.

Ahem, some more water
there, woody.

Hello, fellow denizens.

Hey, fras.
How you doing?

Oh, my, lilith,
you look beautiful.

Yeah, lilith, you look like
a million bucks.

Thank you.
You didn't let me
finish.

You look like
a million bucks

just stampeded
across your face.

Carla, i hope
you don't forget us

when you become
president of hallmark.

All right, now everyone,
pay attention.

I have a little announcement
to make
and i only have a minute.

Are you in a hurry?
No, i was referring

to your relatively short
attention spans.

Lilith has authored
a new book.

It hits the stands today.

[All exclaiming]
oh, congratulations.

You just had a baby,
when did you have time
to write a book?

Well, actually,
i've been hacking away at it
for years,

but i was finally able
to polish it off

during my 15 months
of pregnancy.

Oh, yeah. It took years
of painstaking,
high-level research.

It's called
good girls, bad boys.

Isn't that cute?

That was my editor's idea.

I wanted to call it

a cross-sectional study
of control group females

with a tendency
towards self-destruction

vis-a-vis
damaging relationships

with members
of the opposite sex.

Oh, brother,
not another one of those.

Oh, yes, but you see,
my particular slant
is that many women

are drawn to men
who are bad for them,

those who represent danger.

Then once they outgrow
that need,

they're free to make
the mature choice

and live out their lives
with upstanding,
substantial men.

Not unlike
my frasier-doodle.

So what you're saying
is that once guys
like sammy

are done sucking the juice
out of babes,

they can toss
the shriveled husks to guys
like frasier.

In a nutshell, yes.

But my darling will explain
it all in further detail

on live television
this very afternoon.

Oh, you're going to be on t.V.

Yes, some local
women's talk show
on channel 13.

Teatime with brenda.
That airs at 3:30.

Cliffie, uh, you watch
the afternoon women's
talk shows, huh?

Well, i might have caught
a glimpse of it

you know, as i was jumping
through the channels between
combat and playboy channel.

Woody, could i have
another glass of water please?

Of course, i have my doubts

about appearing
on a program of such
a commercial nature.

Well, no, lilith,
this is a highly respected
socratic format

for the exchange
and dissemination of ideas.

Besides, you know,
that lady that dresses
the parakeets

is gonna be on.

Well, i'll be watching you,
lilith.

You break a leg,
all right?

Well, you know, sam,
as the guest's husband,
i have 2 tickets

to the show. I was hoping
maybe you'd come along
and help me cheer lilith up.

Oh, i don't think
i want to be sitting
in that audience.

[Mocking]
what, is your masculinity
threatened

by an audience
full of women, huh?

No, it's not that--

oh, please. I don't want
to be the only boy.

Thanks.

Uh, well, if you'll, uh,
escort my little starlet
out to the car,

i will meet you momentarily.

You know how in--
in those shows

sometimes have that big
opening shot of the audience?

I just want to head
to the men's room
and check my hair.

Oh, i already checked.
It's not in there.

Whoa, cliffie,
slow down on those things,
buddy.

Are you sure they're safe?

Yeah, of course
they're safe. Prescription.

Yeah, but you...

can't be sure.

You know, i mean it says here
may cause dullness
of the senses.

We better check
his reflexes.

Where's that
ball-peen hammer?

[Norm laughing]

uh, may cause gynocomastia.
Mmm?

What the hell's that?
I don't know. Let me see it.

Hey, doc.

What's, uh, gynocomastia?

Oh, male breast enlargement.

Doc, uh, i've been
taking these pills here.

Uh...

oh, well, cliff,
you'll be all right.

You'd have to take 5 times
the prescribed amount here

to even begin to, well,
shall we say, blossom.

Boy, that really steams me.

I mean, you go to some quack,
he gives you a prescription

for a simple skin condition,

and y-y-you find out
you might turn into a woman.

Screw it, i'm so angry,
i could cry.

That time of the month.

[Birds chirping]

ladies, let's hear it for
gloria diefenbach
and little bluebell

[bird squeaking]
as honest abraham lincoln.

[Audience clapping]

¶[music playing]

now, then,
are we really attracted

to men who are bad for us?

Dr. Lilith sternin-crane's
new book good girls bad boys
will tell us.

Ladies,
let's pour a cup of tea

for
dr. Lilith sternin-crane.

¶[Music playing]

dr. Sternin-crane,
welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Now, uh, dr. Sternin-crane,
what is it
with these bad boys?

I mean, why are we women
such pushovers for them?

Before addressing motivation,

i'd like to lay a basis
for discussion

by explaining
my data-gathering techniques

and statistical overview
of my control group females.

Well, we don't want to
give away all the surprises.

Now, i noticed
your book was dedicated
to your husband.

Is he a bad boy?

Quite the opposite.

In fact, that would be him
sitting right over there

with his hands folded neatly
on his lap.

I think, we could all see

that your husband
is the kind of man
we should want.

I think so, yes.

Then why don't we?

Well,
according to my thesis,

women, as they evolve,

will eventually
seek out a relationship

such as
mine and frasier's.

You mean a relationship
that's stable and secure.

Like a comfortable old shoe?

Well, yes.

Who's that sitting
with your husband?

Another comfortable
old shoe?

No, that's a friend of ours.

Coincidentally,
the perfect example

of the classic bad boy.

[Women exclaiming]

this is too interesting
to pass up.

Would you 2 gentlemen
like to join us up here
on the stage?

How about it?

Oh, well...

lilith, why don't you
introduce us to the men?

[Sighing]
well, this is sam,

an uncommitted,
sexually-active male.

[All exclaiming]

and this is
my husband frasier,

committed to monogamy
and a good little lover.

Thank you, dear.
Thank you.

Well, all,
let's get to know the boys.

Uh, first let's start
with our bad boy.

Sam, just so we can
picture this,

what could a woman expect
from an evening with you?

[Chuckling]

i don't think i can say that
on t.V., Brenda.

Why not?

Well,
because basically...

[inaudible]

[chuckling]

ooh.

You're the one
who should write a book.

Frasier, uh,
how would a date
with you go?

Brenda, i find this line
of inquiry sensationalistic

and not at all pertinent
to my thesis.

No, no,
that's all right, dear.

I--i think
i'd like to answer
that question. Um...

well, uh, a date with me,
i'd say, would be
jolly good fun.

Ironically, actually,
i might add, that it's, uh...

i used to date, actually,
an old girlfriend of sam's.

So she preferred you to sam.
Oh, yes.

Well, uh, that is,
until she broke up with me

and got engaged
to sam.

[Audience chattering]

you know, i'd like to add
in my defense,

the woman was nuts.

[Chattering]

well, all right,
we've--we've met the men.

Let's put
dr. Sternin-crane's thesis
to the test.

How many of us
would like to sleep
with sam?

[Cheering]

and how many of you
would like to sleep
with frasier?

The back row.

Sam, we know
you're bad for us.

Why do we want you
so darn much?

Is it because
you're forbidden,
untamable?

Well, you know,
i think some girl
could probably tame me.

For example, that blonde
in the 3rd row there.

No, no, no, as matter--
nix that.

Let's give
the whole 3rd row
a shot at it.

What about the 2nd row?

No, one row at a time,
ladies.

Ladies, look, let's keep
this a civilized discussion.

If you have points to make,
we'll take them
in an orderly fashion.

Yes.

I have a question
of a more serious nature.

Oh, good.

What does sam look like
with his shirt off?

[Ladies hollering]

(ladies)
shirt! Shirt! Shirt!
Shirt! Shirt!

Let's get
hold of ourselves.

Now, this is
the perfect example
of what a bad boy

like sam can do to
a room full of good girls
like these fine women.

One can't help
but be attracted

to his steely glance
and the strength therein,

to imagine the warmth
of his skin

pressed against ours,

(lilith)
his arms pinning us down
so we can't move.

One sees his full lips

and imagines
what they must feel like,
slightly moist.

Tugging at ours.

Before long,
one's feeling a little dizzy

and, oh, for god's sake,
sam, let the buttons fly.

[All cheering]

i got to warn you, ladies,
i'm a pretty bad boy.

I'm going out with you
at 10:00,

and i'm going out
with you at 12:00,

and they both know.

Do something else bad.

No.

Why not?

[Sighing]
'cause you want me to.

Thank you,
thank you.

Besides, you know,
starting tomorrow,
i'm gonna be a good boy.

[Ladies groaning]

i'm just lying.

Boy,
is that bad or what?

Lie to me, lie to me.

All right, sure.

Hey, good show, dr. Crane.

Yeah, except for that cut
to a commercial right before
it started getting good.

Right when your wife
was about to pant sammy
with her teeth.

I just couldn't believe it
that group got so excited.
It was such idiotic behavior,

and all because
of lilith's stupid book.

Wait a minute,
i thought you liked
lilith's book.

Oh, i did until i reread it
with a scientific eye

and the impartiality
of a fellow empiricist,

and i decided it's pure crap.

Where's dr. Sternin-crane now?

Oh, probably at home,

working on pure crap,
volume 2.

What are you doing, dr. Crane?

I'm just compiling some notes
for a book of my own.

Oh, now you're not jealous
of lilith here, are you?

[Sniffing]
norm, please,
give me some credit.

I mean, i've been planning
to do this for years.

"Nice psychiatrists
who marry castrating,

shrew, battle-ax,
harridan fishwives."

So what's it about?

Excuse me, re-rebecca,

may i have
your honest opinion
about something, you know,

as a woman who has
fatally bad taste in men?

Do you think
i'm a good boy?

Frasier, you have to stop
doing this to yourself.

Why do you feel inferior
to sam just because
you're good?

You know, i agree with
that talk-show host.

Give me a comfortable pair
of old ratty house slippers
any day.

So that's how it is?

Now i'm a pair
of ratty old house slippers.

At least this afternoon
i was an old shoe.

You could wear me
outside, maybe do
a little gardening.

Frasier, i did not mean--

do you think
i can't be dangerous?

Is that it? Do you all think
i'm just an old slipper?

Well,
am i a good boy?

Would a good boy
do this?

I am running with scissors.

I'm going swimming
right after lunch.

I'm leaving now.
I'm going outside.

I'm going to pet
strange dogs,

no matter
where they've been.

Look out, world,

frasier crane's
gonna raise some hell.

You know, frasier's helped
each and every one of us
at one point or another.

[Sniffing]

now he's going out
to do something
he just may regret.

I think we should try to do

exactly what we always
hoped frasier would do
in the same situation.

What's that?
Mind our own business.

Good call, mr. Peterson.

Uh, hey, there, pet him
if you want to, frasier,

but you don't know
where he's been.

I'm telling you,
it's only 100 times faster.

What are you talking about?
It's gotta be 1,000 times
faster.

What's this, a discussion
on the bullet train?

No, no, fax machine
versus the mailman.

[Clearing throat]
glass of water there,
please, woody.

What are you looking at?

What? What are you
talking about?

I saw you casting
furtive, sidelong glances
at my chestal region.

I'll have you know,
it's no larger
than it was yesterday.

And i don't want to hear
any more about it.

Cliff, please.

We'd forgotten
all about that
stupid side effect stuff.

Oh, clavin,
it's jane russell.

She wants to talk shop.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Why do you have to pick on
cliff all the time?

He's a nice man.

And if he's worried
about the side effects
of some medication,

i think we could--
we could be sensitive
to his concerns.

It's very nice of you,
but you don't have to
come to my defense.

No! I want to do this.

Why does cliff always
have to be the butt
of our stupid jokes?

You know, cliff,
i went through a very similar
situation myself.

Really?
Yes, i did.

I was taking
the exact same medication
for a skin problem,

and it cleared up
beautifully.

Hmm.

I just hope that puts
your mind at ease.

Well, i-it does that,
and i--i thank you.

So, uh, so when did all this
happen to you?

It was years ago.

I was just a little boy
at that time.

Has anyone seen frasier?
He canceled
an 8:30 appointment.

Wow, he sees patients
at night.

No, we were going to make love
to celebrate my new book.

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
he was in here
a couple hours ago.

He ran out pretty upset, too.

Oh, it's all my fault.

My behavior this afternoon
was unspeakable.

I embarrassed myself,
and even worse,

i humiliated the man i love

in front of thousands
of people.

I will never,
ever forgive myself.

I saw you on t.V. Today.
You were terrific.

Oh, thank you very much.
Sure.

I'm telling you, sam,
if anything happens to frasier
because of this,

i will never,
never forgive myself.

I hope he didn't go do
something foolish.

Rebecca, can i use
your office phone?

I've got to call the hospitals
and emergency rooms.

[People chattering]

boy, i've never seen
lilith that upset.

I think
she's overreacting.

I mean, what kind of trouble
could a weenie guy
like frasier get into anyway?

[Motorcycle engine roaring]

come on in, viper.
Meet the gang.

Gang, this is viper.

My real name is ellen.

He just likes
to call me viper.

She likes to call me slash.

That's right, frasier.

Where did you two meet?

Well, actually, uh,
truth be told,

viper kind of
picked me up.

Yeah, he was crossing
against the light and
he slipped on an icy patch.

Darn near split my pants.

Could i speak to you
for a second?

What are you, nuts?
What the hell are you doing?

Sam, i'm simply expressing
my inner gonzo self.

I mean, viper's
the perfect kind of girl
for me.

She's wild, she's free.

Hair smells of pennzoil
in the summer.

You know, ms. Viper,
i used to belong
to a bikers' gang.

Really?
What kind of bike?

Schwinn.

3-speed, banana seat.

Boy, frasier,
you were right when you said,

"next stop, dweebville."
Yeah.

Yeah, this is
state headquarters.

Come on. It's time for us
to hit the road.

Yeah, from now on,
this is the kind of life
i'm living.

Out on the highway
doing 180 miles an hour
with bugs on our teeth.

So, where we heading?

Florida.

Florida? That's far.

Yeah. So what?

You love riding the bike,

barreling
down the highway

with the winds
screamin' in our ears.

Well, got a little confession
to make, viper, uh,

that wasn't the wind
screaming in your ears.
T-that was me.

I should have guessed that.

It was the first time
i heard the wind
scream the lord's prayer.

You know, besides,
i-i've already missed
one appointment with lilith

to make love,
i'll be lucky
if i get another one.

(Ellen)
who's lilith?

Uh, my wife.

Somebody married you?

Well, not somebody.

A woman whom i respect
and love.

A woman with the intelligence
to realize that the measure
of a man

is--is not how many studs
you've got on
your leather jacket

or how many women
you've been bad to.

Measure of a man is,

how much love and comfort
you've given.

You're gettin' dull
on me, slash.

Well, listen, viper,
if caring for the one
you love,

if caring for your children,

if paying attention
to your career and home,

if these things be dull,

then may i be
the dullest man
who ever lived.

You are, frasier.
You are.

Viper, i'm sorry,
you're gonna have to go
to florida on your own.

So you're just blowing me off?

Well, i'm sorry, viper,

but i'll always remember
the good times
we had on the bike.

Even after my kidneys
fall back into place.

Come, frasier,
let's go keep
that appointment.

You're rescheduling me?

It must be love.