Original subtitles

(Cliff) cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

[People chattering]

¶[all tapping rhythmically]

¶ we will, we will rock you ¶

(all) ¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ we will, we will rock you

¶ making your way in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything you've got ¶

¶ taking a break from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go ¶

¶ where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always glad you came ¶

¶ you want to be where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ you want to go where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ¶

woody, uh, could i have a glass of water there please?

You got a headache, mr. Clavin?

No, no, no, just trying to clear up a little rash on my lower back.

Doc says it's stress related.

You sure he didn't say diaper related?

Cliffie, you're stressing out, huh?

What's the deal, buddy?

Uh, it's just job related. You know how it is.

I thought you just delivered the mail.

Woody, woody, woody, a.K.A. Joe public.

You've got no idea what it's like out there in postman's hell.

Illegible handwriting, parcels badly taped...

oh, boy, you can't even peek in a window anymore

without people going crazy on ya.

But still, where would we all be

if--if your mailman just disappeared on you?

Probably just all fax things,

that way everything would get there faster, cheaper,

and a whole lot more efficiently.

Ahem, some more water there, woody.

Hello, fellow denizens.

Hey, fras. How you doing?

Oh, my, lilith, you look beautiful.

Yeah, lilith, you look like a million bucks.

Thank you. You didn't let me finish.

You look like a million bucks

just stampeded across your face.

Carla, i hope you don't forget us

when you become president of hallmark.

All right, now everyone, pay attention.

I have a little announcement to make and i only have a minute.

Are you in a hurry? No, i was referring

to your relatively short attention spans.

Lilith has authored a new book.

It hits the stands today.

[All exclaiming] oh, congratulations.

You just had a baby, when did you have time to write a book?

Well, actually, i've been hacking away at it for years,

but i was finally able to polish it off

during my 15 months of pregnancy.

Oh, yeah. It took years of painstaking, high-level research.

It's called good girls, bad boys.

Isn't that cute?

That was my editor's idea.

I wanted to call it

a cross-sectional study of control group females

with a tendency towards self-destruction

vis-a-vis damaging relationships

with members of the opposite sex.

Oh, brother, not another one of those.

Oh, yes, but you see, my particular slant is that many women

are drawn to men who are bad for them,

those who represent danger.

Then once they outgrow that need,

they're free to make the mature choice

and live out their lives with upstanding, substantial men.

Not unlike my frasier-doodle.

So what you're saying is that once guys like sammy

are done sucking the juice out of babes,

they can toss the shriveled husks to guys like frasier.

In a nutshell, yes.

But my darling will explain it all in further detail

on live television this very afternoon.

Oh, you're going to be on t.V.

Yes, some local women's talk show on channel 13.

Teatime with brenda. That airs at 3:30.

Cliffie, uh, you watch the afternoon women's talk shows, huh?

Well, i might have caught a glimpse of it

you know, as i was jumping through the channels between combat and playboy channel.

Woody, could i have another glass of water please?

Of course, i have my doubts

about appearing on a program of such a commercial nature.

Well, no, lilith, this is a highly respected socratic format

for the exchange and dissemination of ideas.

Besides, you know, that lady that dresses the parakeets

is gonna be on.

Well, i'll be watching you, lilith.

You break a leg, all right?

Well, you know, sam, as the guest's husband, i have 2 tickets

to the show. I was hoping maybe you'd come along and help me cheer lilith up.

Oh, i don't think i want to be sitting in that audience.

[Mocking] what, is your masculinity threatened

by an audience full of women, huh?

No, it's not that--

oh, please. I don't want to be the only boy.

Thanks.

Uh, well, if you'll, uh, escort my little starlet out to the car,

i will meet you momentarily.

You know how in-- in those shows

sometimes have that big opening shot of the audience?

I just want to head to the men's room and check my hair.

Oh, i already checked. It's not in there.

Whoa, cliffie, slow down on those things, buddy.

Are you sure they're safe?

Yeah, of course they're safe. Prescription.

Yeah, but you...

can't be sure.

You know, i mean it says here may cause dullness of the senses.

We better check his reflexes.

Where's that ball-peen hammer?

[Norm laughing]

uh, may cause gynocomastia. Mmm?

What the hell's that? I don't know. Let me see it.

Hey, doc.

What's, uh, gynocomastia?

Oh, male breast enlargement.

Doc, uh, i've been taking these pills here.

Uh...

oh, well, cliff, you'll be all right.

You'd have to take 5 times the prescribed amount here

to even begin to, well, shall we say, blossom.

Boy, that really steams me.

I mean, you go to some quack, he gives you a prescription

for a simple skin condition,

and y-y-you find out you might turn into a woman.

Screw it, i'm so angry, i could cry.

That time of the month.

[Birds chirping]

ladies, let's hear it for gloria diefenbach and little bluebell

[bird squeaking] as honest abraham lincoln.

[Audience clapping]

¶[music playing]

now, then, are we really attracted

to men who are bad for us?

Dr. Lilith sternin-crane's new book good girls bad boys will tell us.

Ladies, let's pour a cup of tea

for dr. Lilith sternin-crane.

¶[Music playing]

dr. Sternin-crane, welcome to the show.

Thank you.

Now, uh, dr. Sternin-crane, what is it with these bad boys?

I mean, why are we women such pushovers for them?

Before addressing motivation,

i'd like to lay a basis for discussion

by explaining my data-gathering techniques

and statistical overview of my control group females.

Well, we don't want to give away all the surprises.

Now, i noticed your book was dedicated to your husband.

Is he a bad boy?

Quite the opposite.

In fact, that would be him sitting right over there

with his hands folded neatly on his lap.

I think, we could all see

that your husband is the kind of man we should want.

I think so, yes.

Then why don't we?

Well, according to my thesis,

women, as they evolve,

will eventually seek out a relationship

such as mine and frasier's.

You mean a relationship that's stable and secure.

Like a comfortable old shoe?

Well, yes.

Who's that sitting with your husband?

Another comfortable old shoe?

No, that's a friend of ours.

Coincidentally, the perfect example

of the classic bad boy.

[Women exclaiming]

this is too interesting to pass up.

Would you 2 gentlemen like to join us up here on the stage?

How about it?

Oh, well...

lilith, why don't you introduce us to the men?

[Sighing] well, this is sam,

an uncommitted, sexually-active male.

[All exclaiming]

and this is my husband frasier,

committed to monogamy and a good little lover.

Thank you, dear. Thank you.

Well, all, let's get to know the boys.

Uh, first let's start with our bad boy.

Sam, just so we can picture this,

what could a woman expect from an evening with you?

[Chuckling]

i don't think i can say that on t.V., Brenda.

Why not?

Well, because basically...

[inaudible]

[chuckling]

ooh.

You're the one who should write a book.

Frasier, uh, how would a date with you go?

Brenda, i find this line of inquiry sensationalistic

and not at all pertinent to my thesis.

No, no, that's all right, dear.

I--i think i'd like to answer that question. Um...

well, uh, a date with me, i'd say, would be jolly good fun.

Ironically, actually, i might add, that it's, uh...

i used to date, actually, an old girlfriend of sam's.

So she preferred you to sam. Oh, yes.

Well, uh, that is, until she broke up with me

and got engaged to sam.

[Audience chattering]

you know, i'd like to add in my defense,

the woman was nuts.

[Chattering]

well, all right, we've--we've met the men.

Let's put dr. Sternin-crane's thesis to the test.

How many of us would like to sleep with sam?

[Cheering]

and how many of you would like to sleep with frasier?

The back row.

Sam, we know you're bad for us.

Why do we want you so darn much?

Is it because you're forbidden, untamable?

Well, you know, i think some girl could probably tame me.

For example, that blonde in the 3rd row there.

No, no, no, as matter-- nix that.

Let's give the whole 3rd row a shot at it.

What about the 2nd row?

No, one row at a time, ladies.

Ladies, look, let's keep this a civilized discussion.

If you have points to make, we'll take them in an orderly fashion.

Yes.

I have a question of a more serious nature.

Oh, good.

What does sam look like with his shirt off?

[Ladies hollering]

(ladies) shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt! Shirt!

Let's get hold of ourselves.

Now, this is the perfect example of what a bad boy

like sam can do to a room full of good girls like these fine women.

One can't help but be attracted

to his steely glance and the strength therein,

to imagine the warmth of his skin

pressed against ours,

(lilith) his arms pinning us down so we can't move.

One sees his full lips

and imagines what they must feel like, slightly moist.

Tugging at ours.

Before long, one's feeling a little dizzy

and, oh, for god's sake, sam, let the buttons fly.

[All cheering]

i got to warn you, ladies, i'm a pretty bad boy.

I'm going out with you at 10:00,

and i'm going out with you at 12:00,

and they both know.

Do something else bad.

No.

Why not?

[Sighing] 'cause you want me to.

Thank you, thank you.

Besides, you know, starting tomorrow, i'm gonna be a good boy.

[Ladies groaning]

i'm just lying.

Boy, is that bad or what?

Lie to me, lie to me.

All right, sure.

Hey, good show, dr. Crane.

Yeah, except for that cut to a commercial right before it started getting good.

Right when your wife was about to pant sammy with her teeth.

I just couldn't believe it that group got so excited. It was such idiotic behavior,

and all because of lilith's stupid book.

Wait a minute, i thought you liked lilith's book.

Oh, i did until i reread it with a scientific eye

and the impartiality of a fellow empiricist,

and i decided it's pure crap.

Where's dr. Sternin-crane now?

Oh, probably at home,

working on pure crap, volume 2.

What are you doing, dr. Crane?

I'm just compiling some notes for a book of my own.

Oh, now you're not jealous of lilith here, are you?

[Sniffing] norm, please, give me some credit.

I mean, i've been planning to do this for years.

"Nice psychiatrists who marry castrating,

shrew, battle-ax, harridan fishwives."

So what's it about?

Excuse me, re-rebecca,

may i have your honest opinion about something, you know,

as a woman who has fatally bad taste in men?

Do you think i'm a good boy?

Frasier, you have to stop doing this to yourself.

Why do you feel inferior to sam just because you're good?

You know, i agree with that talk-show host.

Give me a comfortable pair of old ratty house slippers any day.

So that's how it is?

Now i'm a pair of ratty old house slippers.

At least this afternoon i was an old shoe.

You could wear me outside, maybe do a little gardening.

Frasier, i did not mean--

do you think i can't be dangerous?

Is that it? Do you all think i'm just an old slipper?

Well, am i a good boy?

Would a good boy do this?

I am running with scissors.

I'm going swimming right after lunch.

I'm leaving now. I'm going outside.

I'm going to pet strange dogs,

no matter where they've been.

Look out, world,

frasier crane's gonna raise some hell.

You know, frasier's helped each and every one of us at one point or another.

[Sniffing]

now he's going out to do something he just may regret.

I think we should try to do

exactly what we always hoped frasier would do in the same situation.

What's that? Mind our own business.

Good call, mr. Peterson.

Uh, hey, there, pet him if you want to, frasier,

but you don't know where he's been.

I'm telling you, it's only 100 times faster.

What are you talking about? It's gotta be 1,000 times faster.

What's this, a discussion on the bullet train?

No, no, fax machine versus the mailman.

[Clearing throat] glass of water there, please, woody.

What are you looking at?

What? What are you talking about?

I saw you casting furtive, sidelong glances at my chestal region.

I'll have you know, it's no larger than it was yesterday.

And i don't want to hear any more about it.

Cliff, please.

We'd forgotten all about that stupid side effect stuff.

Oh, clavin, it's jane russell.

She wants to talk shop.

Oh, come on, you guys.

Why do you have to pick on cliff all the time?

He's a nice man.

And if he's worried about the side effects of some medication,

i think we could-- we could be sensitive to his concerns.

It's very nice of you, but you don't have to come to my defense.

No! I want to do this.

Why does cliff always have to be the butt of our stupid jokes?

You know, cliff, i went through a very similar situation myself.

Really? Yes, i did.

I was taking the exact same medication for a skin problem,

and it cleared up beautifully.

Hmm.

I just hope that puts your mind at ease.

Well, i-it does that, and i--i thank you.

So, uh, so when did all this happen to you?

It was years ago.

I was just a little boy at that time.

Has anyone seen frasier? He canceled an 8:30 appointment.

Wow, he sees patients at night.

No, we were going to make love to celebrate my new book.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, he was in here a couple hours ago.

He ran out pretty upset, too.

Oh, it's all my fault.

My behavior this afternoon was unspeakable.

I embarrassed myself, and even worse,

i humiliated the man i love

in front of thousands of people.

I will never, ever forgive myself.

I saw you on t.V. Today. You were terrific.

Oh, thank you very much. Sure.

I'm telling you, sam, if anything happens to frasier because of this,

i will never, never forgive myself.

I hope he didn't go do something foolish.

Rebecca, can i use your office phone?

I've got to call the hospitals and emergency rooms.

[People chattering]

boy, i've never seen lilith that upset.

I think she's overreacting.

I mean, what kind of trouble could a weenie guy like frasier get into anyway?

[Motorcycle engine roaring]

come on in, viper. Meet the gang.

Gang, this is viper.

My real name is ellen.

He just likes to call me viper.

She likes to call me slash.

That's right, frasier.

Where did you two meet?

Well, actually, uh, truth be told,

viper kind of picked me up.

Yeah, he was crossing against the light and he slipped on an icy patch.

Darn near split my pants.

Could i speak to you for a second?

What are you, nuts? What the hell are you doing?

Sam, i'm simply expressing my inner gonzo self.

I mean, viper's the perfect kind of girl for me.

She's wild, she's free.

Hair smells of pennzoil in the summer.

You know, ms. Viper, i used to belong to a bikers' gang.

Really? What kind of bike?

Schwinn.

3-speed, banana seat.

Boy, frasier, you were right when you said,

"next stop, dweebville." Yeah.

Yeah, this is state headquarters.

Come on. It's time for us to hit the road.

Yeah, from now on, this is the kind of life i'm living.

Out on the highway doing 180 miles an hour with bugs on our teeth.

So, where we heading?

Florida.

Florida? That's far.

Yeah. So what?

You love riding the bike,

barreling down the highway

with the winds screamin' in our ears.

Well, got a little confession to make, viper, uh,

that wasn't the wind screaming in your ears. T-that was me.

I should have guessed that.

It was the first time i heard the wind scream the lord's prayer.

You know, besides, i-i've already missed one appointment with lilith

to make love, i'll be lucky if i get another one.

(Ellen) who's lilith?

Uh, my wife.

Somebody married you?

Well, not somebody.

A woman whom i respect and love.

A woman with the intelligence to realize that the measure of a man

is--is not how many studs you've got on your leather jacket

or how many women you've been bad to.

Measure of a man is,

how much love and comfort you've given.

You're gettin' dull on me, slash.

Well, listen, viper, if caring for the one you love,

if caring for your children,

if paying attention to your career and home,

if these things be dull,

then may i be the dullest man who ever lived.

You are, frasier. You are.

Viper, i'm sorry, you're gonna have to go to florida on your own.

So you're just blowing me off?

Well, i'm sorry, viper,

but i'll always remember the good times we had on the bike.

Even after my kidneys fall back into place.

Come, frasier, let's go keep that appointment.

You're rescheduling me?

It must be love.