All language subtitles for Cheers - 817 - Woody Or Wont He

(Woody)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, aren't you phil,

the tire distributor
from rhode island?

Look, lady, if you've got
problems with your wheels,

talk to your dealer.

I'm carla.

Remember? We went out
a couple of times.

It must've
been years ago.

I'm sorry.
I don't remember.

Yeah, i guess
it's been a while.

You were still
pushing whitewalls.

Maybe this'll jog
your memory.

Art's hideaway
adult motel?

I'm sorry.

Look, in the tire game,
you meet a lot of women.

Yeah, but you can't
have forgotten.

Mirror on the ceiling?

No.

Vibrating bed?

Latin love basket?

The trick
with the tie?

That was you?

Yeah.

Oh, god,
that was one steamy night.
Wasn't it, phil?

Oh, god, i'll say.

Yeah.

Hey, look, um,
i got a few hours to kill.

Why don't we hit old art's
for a little reunion?

Hey, what kind of girl
do you think i am?

I am a widow!

Get outta here, you pig!
You make me sick!

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

(rebecca)
oh, brother.

I work for the stupidest
corporation in america.

You'd have to.

What's the matter,
sweetheart?

All right. Get this.

One of their restaurants,
some hick dive in texas

specializing in
fillet au armadillo

has gone belly-up,

so they want to stick us
with the one piece
of equipment

that they couldn't seem
to liquidate.

Oh, i hope it's
a mesquite grill.

Then i could make
a mess of aunt lou's
baby back ribs.

It is not
a mesquite grill, woody.

It's a mechanical bull.

Well, it's just as well.

Aunt lou's ribs
weren't all that good.

Come to think of it,
she choked
on one of them.

Just her luck

it was a week before
the heimlich maneuver
came out.

Well, i have to say,

those mechanical bulls
are like the most useless
thing ever put in a bar.

Now, now, norm.

Ok. Present company
excepted, ok?

Thank you, norm.

You know, i don't know.

I think there may be a place
for a mechanical bull

in our recreational
schemata.

It does, after all,
provide modern man

with a socially
acceptable release

for sexual tension
and frustration.

Riding one of those bulls
can do that, frase?

Oh, hell, no,

but if we catch a well-built
young woman sometime

bouncing around on the back
of one, though. Woo!

Get along, little doggy.

Hey, sam, which tie do you
think i should wear?

And, before you judge,
this one lights up.

You got batteries
for that one?

No.

Oh. Go with
that one, then.
Yeah.

Thanks, man.

You know, i--i can't afford
to make a mistake, here.

Kelly's mom
just flew in
this afternoon,

and kelly's
bringing her by
to meet me.

It's crucial
that i make
a good impression.

Wait a second,
i thought
you knew her mom.

No, no. They're divorced.

In fact, kelly's mom
is the only member
of her family

who i haven't met.

Yeah, god.

She's my last hope.

You're telling me

that not one member
of that family
likes you?

Well, there's
her aunt martha,
she likes me.

Oh, there you go.

But she also thinks
she's eleanor roosevelt.

But if you get past that,
she's pretty nice,

what, with all
her charity work.

Woody, it doesn't
make any difference

what kind of tie
you wear.

When it comes
to mothers,

it's what you got
underneath that counts.

Oh, well, i'm wearing
clean shorts, sam.

Oh, good.

He understands.

Woody, listen to me,
listen to me.

The important thing is
what kind of person you are,

and you are
a very nice person.

Moms do not judge
how you look.

Oh, here
they are now.

(Sam)
uh-oh.

That mom looks like
she's got taste.

You're on your own, man.

I'll try to stall them.

You do...
well, never mind.

(Sam)
hi, kelly,
how are you?

Nice to see you
again.

It's nice
to see you, too.

Sam malone,
i'd like you
to meet my mom.

Oh, and i'd love
to meet her
sometime myself.

Who's this,
your sister?

Sam, this is my mom.

That was a tired,
old line, mr. Malone.

You're right.
I'm sorry.

No. It still works.

Well, you know,
the classics,

timeless.

Hi, kelly.
I'm sorry to
keep you waiting.

Nice to meet you.

Yeah, i--i was just
having trouble
tying this tie.

Is my face
getting purple?

No, woody. You--you look nice,
but are you ok?

You seem a little
uncomfortable.

Well, yeah. It's the
brand-new underwear.

I don't think i got
all the stickers off.

Woody, this is my mother
mrs. Gaines.

Mother, this is woody.

Hi. I'm woody.

Then i must be
mrs. Gaines.

Oh, hi. I'm woody.

Uh, listen, to tell you
the truth, mrs. Gaines,

i was real nervous
about meeting you.

Oh! Whatever for?

Well, you know, it's just
that the rest of kelly's
family hates me.

It's probably because
i'm a bartender
with no real future.

Just a poor
country bumpkin

who's dumber
than cotton.

Woody, i think
you're a very
nice young man.

Really? Well, then forget
all that bad stuff i said.

Now, woody, kelly tells me
you're resistant

to coming to her
sister's wedding
this weekend.

Mom, woody's
self-conscious.

He always feels
that he sticks out
like a sore thumb

and makes a fool
out of himself.

Why is that, woody?

Well, there has been
a precedent set.

Although i think your gazebo
would've burned down

whether i'd been there
or not.

Well, woody, we'd all
like you to be there.

In fact, you're invited
to the rehearsal
dinner, as well.

Saturday night, 7:00,
kelly's father's house.

You've met mr. Gaines,
haven't you?

Met him? Heck, i almost
broke his big toe.

Woody, you didn't know
daddy was standing behind us

when you pulled
the van out.

Yeah, i did.

I just thought
he took a smaller shoe.

Well, we're looking
forward to seeing you.

Now come, kelly, dear.
We have to do something
about those nut cups,

and you know that could
take all afternoon.

Mother, i'm still
favoring jordan almonds.

Who raised you?

Oh, i almost forgot.

Sam.

Yeah?

You're invited
to come saturday, too.

After all, you're almost
a member of the family.

Mother, sam was the one
who introduced woody and me.

Actually, no, i didn't.

You didn't?
No.

Well, gee, it would be rude
to uninvite you now,

so i--i guess we're stuck.

Well, we'll see you.

Come on, you cowboys!

As long as that dumb thing's
set up back there anyway,

don't you wanna prove
how macho you are
by climbing aboard?

Come on, rebecca!

We do not need
a mechanical bull

to prove
how macho we are. Ok?

We are just
as much men

sitting right here
on this bar stool,

which, by the way,
needs to be repadded.
My tush hurts.

Really.

Face it, rebecca.

This dump is filled
with wussy wimps.

You just hold on there
right now, carla.

I, for one, have
a very good reason

for not, uh, riding
on that bull.

Right. He's afraid
his keys are gonna
fly out of his pocket.

Oh, yeah?
You--you guys can go ahead
and make fun and all,

but, uh, you know,
you get on that thing,

the keys fly
out of your pocket,
it hits you in the eye,

you'll never enjoy
a view-master again,
i tell you.

Ah, baloney, clavin.
You're just a chicken.

[Clucking]

[all clucking]

all right!
Keep your corns on.

I'm the only guy in this
waterin' hole, obviously,

who is man enough
to take on
that mechanical beast.

Normie, watch my keys for me,
will ya? Safety first.

What are friends
for, cliff?

Well, i just got an idea

for a little practical
joke on cliffie.

What's that?

What do you say
we move his car.

He'll think
it's stolen.

Ok, where do you want
to move it to?

Uh, new hampshire.

Yeah, come on,
follow me in your car
and drive me home.

Guys, hurry up.
Cliff has strapped
himself on the bull.

And it's bucking so hard,
he can't get off.

How the hell
did that happen?

[Cliff yelling]
come on, norm,
you know cliff.

He insisted
we start it on
the highest level.

Cliff insisted on that?

[Cliff shouting]

well, someone insisted.
Let's not split hairs.

Come on.

¶[Classical music playing]

[people chattering]

oh, woody,
can you believe it?

You know, this is
the first time i've seen
my parents together

since they split up
when i was a little girl.

I bet that was
real tough on you.

Yeah. Sometimes i think
that's why i'm so cynical.

I like the fact that
you're hardboiled.

I think that's what
gives us our chemistry.

Thanks, sweetie.

Boy, i tell you, mr. Gaines.

I sure would like to live
in a place like this.

Yes, a home in
the suburbs is nice.

No, i mean in this room.

Well, mr. Malone,
you've gotten
tiresome.

I'm gonna stand
over there now.

Hey, sam, you know,
i was looking
in the dining room earlier.

And why the heck
do they have 2 forks
at everybody's place?

Oh, well, now, woody,
that's 'cause, uh,

well, if you drop one,
you--you got yourself
a spare.

Well,
that makes sense,

but now why is
one smaller
than the other?

Well, that's in case
you drop that one, too,

it won't make
as much noise.

Woody,
could you come here?

My cousin patsy
wants to say hello.

Do i know her?

Yeah, you remember.
She was in the gazebo,

but she's ok now.

No, i'm telling you, boys,
we can't miss.

I got it straight from
the c.E.O.'S secretary.

We buy
osher electronics a.S.A.P.,

We triple our money
by wednesday.

Excuse me,
i, uh, couldn't help
overhearing you.

Yeah, why is that?

Well, i was
eavesdropping.

Sam malone.

Conrad langston,
and these are the boys.

Yeah, how are you?

So you, uh, you boys are
onto a sure thing, huh?

Well, you know, sam,
on wall street
there is no 100%.

But, uh,
like i always say,

if there's no risk,
then where's the fun?

Well, that's funny.

I always say,
if there are no women,
where's the fun?

[All chuckling]

but then again,
we're on your turf here.

So, sam, are you
interested in buying in?

Well, as a matter of fact,
conrad, i happen to have about
$500 just burning a hole

in my checking account here.

Well, sam, you know,

the shares
are $1,000 each.

Well, i hate to hog
a whole share
by myself.

Anyone want
to go halfsies?

All right,
$1,000 it is.

I'll just have to, uh,
tighten my belt
a little bit

or eat it.

Welcome aboard, sam.

I'll go call
this in for you.
Yeah.

Come on, boys.

(Sam)
see you later, boys.

The boys.

Ladies and gentlemen,

hors d'oeuvres
are being served
in the salon.

Oh, food on a stick.
Man, i'm starved.

Are you enjoying
yourself, woody?

Oh, yes, ma'am.

You know,
you're nice, woody.

You're not the type of boy
kelly usually dates.

Of course,
you're not as well-bred
as they are,

but i'm delighted
with her choice
in you.

Well, imagine
how proud i feel.

Although i wonder
if perhaps kelly's
a little young for you.

Well, yeah,
she is a little young,

but, luckily,
i'm real immature.

Actually, i was thinking that
you might have the maturity

to appreciate
older women,
like myself.

No, i don't
think of you as old.

Why, thank you.

I just think of you
as the woman

who gave birth
to my girlfriend.

How sweet.

Woody, kelly tells me
that you're very concerned

whether or not
i will like you.

Well, yeah, you are
kind of my last hope
in the family.

Do you?

Like me?

Yes, i do!

[Exclaiming]

mrs. Gaines!

Jiminy cricket!

Criminy's sake!

I don't mean to use
foul language, mrs. Gaines,

but, i mean, you've really
upset my apple cart.

(Mr. Gaines)
photo opportunity.

Before we sit down
to eat,

what say we get one
nice big group shot?

How are you doing?

Oh, fine, fine.

Hey, listen, you're
probably wondering why
i've got lipstick on.

You're probably thinking
it's something strange,

but it's not
what you think.

It's, uh, mrs. Gaines
was just helping me

see what i'd look like
as a woman.

Ever done
any modeling?

(Mrs. Gaines)
woody?

You stand over here,
right in front of me.

All right, everyone.
Straight ahead.

1, 2...

whoop!

Something wrong,
woody?

No, no, no. Uh, it's just
where i come from,

everybody goes "whoop!"
Before they take a picture.

Everybody.

1, 2, 3.

(All)
whoops!

What say we all adjourn
to the dining room?

You, i'll see inside.

Hey, sam, can i
ask you something?

What, another
etiquette question?

Yeah, yeah. Uh, last one.

What do i do
if kelly's mom
tries to go to bed with me?

Kelly's mom?

I'm shocked.

And more than
a little impressed.

She got me alone.
She said she wanted
to get to know me.

And then she
gave me a kiss.

Well, now, woody,
maybe she's just being,
you know, motherly.

Sam, she pinched my...

back pocket.

Well, now, you know,
in certain parts of europe

that's considered
a sign of respect.

I think you'd like
europe, actually.

Sam, come on, man.

Well, all right, uh,

here's a simple rule
i live my life by

ignore the problem,
it'll go away.

Yeah, ignore it.

That's-- that's-- that's
bound to work. Ok, thanks.

Gentlemen,
won't you join us?

Yes, thank you very much.

And, woody, dear,

you'll be sitting
on my right hand.

Were you born in europe,
mrs. Gaines?

[Cliff shouting]

so, frase,
how's cliff's
blood pressure?

Well, the way his arms
are flailing about,

i couldn't get
close enough
to check it.

I'd say by the way
he's been bellowing
all afternoon,

he's still alive.

How do you like that?

For once, the bull
is throwing clavin around.

Well, ma'am, i'm sorry,

but, uh, there isn't
much more we can do
for him today.

Why? C-can't you just
pull the plug
or something?

But you got that bull
butted up right up
against the plug.

Besides, if we did
kill the power,

the bull would stop
too abruptly.

It might send that mailman
right through the wall.

Tell me when
the lights go out!

Carla, get away
from that fuse box!

¶[Classical music playing]

did you know that
when i was your age

i used to be a dancer?

Oh, really, mrs. Gaines?

Oh, yes.

You don't get
thighs like these

from cracking coconuts.

I'm allergic
to coconuts.

Well, maybe you just
haven't had them husked
in the right manner.

If you'll excuse me,
mrs. Gaines,

i'm having
trouble swallowing.

Well, boys,
guess what?

Our stock deal
happened

just like
we knew it would.

All right!
How about that!

That's great.

Sam, you didn't
invest any money

with conrad
and the guys,
did you?

I sure did. A bundle.

[Laughing]
sam.

What?

Maybe you should think about
taking some food home.

Why?

Sam, we just found out

the company falsified
their profits.

The s.E.C.
Suspended trading.
Stock's worthless.

What?

Sam, connie
and the guys

are known as
"the hard luck 5."

Yeah, we invest in something,
down it goes.

Say, fellas,
what say we fly to vegas

and lose
some serious money, huh?

We'll bet red all night.

You gonna finish that?

No.

Mrs. Gaines, thank you for
helping me adjust my napkin,

but it's really
not necessary.

By the way,

i don't usually wear it
tucked in quite so far.

Is there something about me

that makes you
nervous, woody?

Oh, i don't know.
The things you say,

y-your hands

your coconut-cracking
thighs.

Then you
have no problem

with my feet.

Mrs. Gaines, stop it!

I'm not
having sex with you!

I won't have sex with you!

I won't! I won't! I won't!

No sex! Do you hear me?

Now i want
both hands and both feet

on the table right now!

Kelly, am i using
the wrong fork
or something?

(Cliff)
someone, get me off!

$5. $5!

You know, carla,
if cliff actually
broke the world record,

it would be
good publicity
for the bar.

Yeah, but i can't find
any record in here at all

for mechanical bull
riding.

Look under
"stupidest stunts."

Here it is. First page.

I've lost kelly forever.

She's never gonna
want to talk to me again
after what i've done.

Come on, woody.

Look, i'm sure lots of guys

yell out
at dinner parties

that they won't
have sex with their
girlfriends' mothers.

Yeah, you're
probably right,
mr. Peterson,

but that still
doesn't help
ease the pain.

Hi, woody.

Kelly.

Are you ok?

Well, i thought you'd
never want to see me again

after what i did.

Well, i admit, i was
a bit peeved at first,

but i can understand.

You know, i--i'm just sorry
that mother gave you
the wrong impression.

What do you mean?

Woody, maybe i should have
warned you about her.

Mother likes to flirt.

But it's all innocent fun.

She says
it keeps her young.

You mean she was just
goofing around with me?

She's flirted with
all my boyfriends.

Of course, nobody's been
rude about it like you.

All right, wood.
Way to go.

So i've blown it.

Now i've blown it
with every single member
of your family.

You haven't blown it
with one very important
person, woody.

I know.

Your crazy aunt martha.

Of course, she thinks
i'm winston churchill.

No, woody, with me.
Don't you see?

It--it doesn't matter
what my family thinks.

I love you.

Besides,
mother still likes you.

As a matter of fact,
she wanted to come here
and apologize in person.

But i thought it might
make you nervous,

so i had her write you
a note instead.

Oh, that was
real nice of her.

Woody, i've got to run.

I'm just supposed to be
out for a few minutes
picking up cold cuts.

It seems like
a lot of food
disappeared.

We don't know
what happened.

Good night, sam.

[Muffled]
good night, kelly.

So, smooth sailing,
huh, wood?

Yeah, i am so relieved.

(Norm)
all right.

Well, i mean,
i should have known

that, uh, mrs. Gaines
wouldn't be
interested in me.

[All chuckling]

i should have known

that a nice classy
lady like her

would never
be interested

in a naive
indiana farm boy.

Well, i have to admit
it is kind of silly, isn't it?

Woody and mrs. Gaines,

it's about the most
ridiculous thing
i ever heard.

[All laughing]

hey, man, you think
that's funny,

wait till you hear this.

"Dear, woody,

"kelly thinks i'm
writing you an apology.

"What i really want to
say is i ache for you,

"my strong
young coconut.

"I live for the moment

"when i can harvest
your lusty fruit.

Love, roxanne."

Is she a crack-up,
or what?

[All laughing]

ma'am,
a textbook rescue.

We have the walls
covered with
mattresses.

All we have to do
is cut the power,

and he'll land there
safe as a baby.

All right, let's not
waste any more time.
Let's do it.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
According to this book here,

if clavin can stay
on that bull for
5 more hours,

he's gonna break
the world record.

Hey, clavin, do you
want to get off,

or do you want to
be world champion?

[Cliff yelling]
i want, i want,
i want to get off!

For the l-love of god,
get me o-off!

He's gonna go for it!

[All cheering]