All language subtitles for Cheers - 814 - What Is--- Cliff Clavin

(Carla)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

[Door opening]

can i help you?

Uh, a beer, please.

Boy, you can't
go home again.

You really know
that's true

when you come back
to a place you haven't seen
in 20 years.

Or when you lose
your bus pass.

2 decades ago,
my job took me to alaska.

This is the first time
i've been back to cheers
since the '60s.

Really?

Yeah, you see
those stairs?

They used to go down
the other side of that wall.

Hmm.
Hmm.

And this floor,
when i was here it was

all ugly green tile.

Wow.

I guess everything
changes in 20 years.

They've even changed
the paneling.

Where?
Over there,
behind norm.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[phone ringing]

cheers.

Uh, just a second.

Sam, it's for you,
someone named carmen.

Carmen,
as in carmen get it?

Just a second,
i'll check.
Carmen, as in--

no, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Yo, carmen.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hey, slow down a second.

What?

Let me get a word
in edgewise, honey.
No, i didn't--

hung up on you?

She used to be.

Damn, man.

That's very weird.
She wanted to know
why i stood her up.

You missed a date?

No, i didn't make one.
But she said

she spent the afternoon
waiting for me
at the roller rink

dressed in a black
leather miniskirt
and french-cut panties.

Man, i wouldn't forget
something like that.

I'll remember it
on my deathbed.

You know something?

I'm gonna call her
and straighten this out.

Wait a minute.

Oh, my god.

It's not there.

My little black book.
Somebody took it.

All right,
everybody, freeze!

All right.

Don't anybody move here.

Just stay put.
Are you moving?

I'm gonna lock
the door here,

and i'm gonna turn off
the lights,

and whoever took
my little black book

will just put it
right back on the bar.

No questions asked.
Here we go.

Ok. Woody?

Nope,
it's not here, sam.

Wait a second.
My watch is gone.

Oh. All right.
Here it is
on my right hand.

I took it off
my left hand

so it wouldn't get wet
when i was washing
the bar glasses.

Wood, don't you use
both hands when
you wash the glasses?

Well, that's ok.
It's waterproof.

Hey, guys.
Guess what?

Jeopardy! Is coming to town
for a one-time only
east coast appearance,

and i'm gonna take the test
to be on the show.

Beer, mr. Clavin?

What is a brewed alcoholic
beverage consisting
of barley and yeast?

Well, i don't know.
Usually, you
just have a beer.

Sammy, any sign of
the book down there?

No.

Are you sure that, you know,
one of you guys didn't
just pick it up

and browse through it?
Oh, yeah, right.

I-i'm not
gonna be mad, man.

Come on, sam,
trusting the book with us.

That's like, uh,
trusting the h-bomb with
a pack of spider monkeys.

You're--you're going
about this thing
all wrong, sam.

Now, let's just
retrace your steps
starting in the morning.

There you go.

So, uh,
this morning i...

i took it out of
the wall safe
and i--i slipped it

into its waterproof pouch,

and i got dressed
and i came here.

Well, did you-- did you
stop anywhere
on your way to work?

Yes! Yes! Oh, thank you!
Oh, god!

The laundromat.
That's where it is.

Oh, hey, sam. If you're going
to the laundromat,
can you do something for me?

I don't have enough time
to do your laundry, woody.

Well, no. I-if you see
a sock like this

could you bring it back?
I'm missin' 2 of 'em.

I did it.
Yeah, i aced that test.

Gonna be on jeopardy!

[All cheering]

[people clapping]

that's exciting,
clifford.

Yeah, yeah,
it's exciting,
all right.

You know-- you know,
when people go on the show,
jeopardy!,

And they always tell some
little amusing anecdote?

Sure.

I was just standing
over there thinking

that may be it will be
good publicity for the bar

if you could come up
with a funny little blurb
about cheers.

Cliffie, i know.
Why don't you
tell about the time

we got that
really bad keg of beer

and everyone got sick,
all over the place,
you remember that?

No, no, no, no.

Remember, uh,
that glow-in-the-dark
men's room fungus?

Now, how about the time
we found that dead possum
on the steps?

[All laughing]

at least i hope
that was a possum.

I hate to think a rat
could get that big.

Hi, guys.
Hey, sam, any luck
with the book?

No. Woody, anything
in the lost and found?

Uh, all we got is, uh,
an old umbrella,

couple of gloves
that don't match.

Oh, hey, my socks.

[Telephone ringing]

cheers.

Annie.

As in annietime
he wants, huh?

Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa,
no, wait a second.

I didn't-- i did not make
a date with you.
What are you talk--

hey. Hello?

I can't believe that.
Twice in one day.

What's that,
sam?

Annie said i made a date
to have breakfast with her.

Spent 2 hours
waiting for me
at the roller rink

in french-cut panties
and a miniskirt.

I don't even have
my black book,
so i can't call her back.

That's your answer, sam.
There's some guy out there
with your book

that's making these dates
in your name
and then not showing up.

Which means that
at this very moment,

there could be
dozens of gorgeous women

in french-cut panties
and miniskirts

just hangin' around
the roller rink,

and there's not
one damn thing
we can do about it.

(Sam)
can someone give me
a ride?

My car's in the shop,
i swear to god.

Hey, are you guys going to see
mr. Clavin play jeopardy!?

I don't know, wood.
I really can't decide.

Assumed that you'd go.
Cheer him on, you know.

Help him
to have a friendly face
in the audience.

So, are you going?

I promised lilith
i'd stay at home and, uh,
clean the dog's ears.

Well, i'm sure goin'.

Yeah?
I want to be there
and see when they say,

"this is jeopardy!"
And that big ball comes out

and breaks into
a million pieces
and swirls away.

You know, it's just like
the sunrise in my hometown.

Woody, uh,

is there a big chemical plant
near hanover?

Sure, it's right over
the landfill right next to
the reservoir.

How did you know?

Lucky guess.

Hi, guys.

Hey, sam, i got
a bunch of messages for you.

Mostly girls
screamin' at you.

Oh, man.
This is sick.

(Sam)
the guy is goin' through
my list of babes.

I mean, first the a's,
then the b's.

He's worked his way
through the g's.

I mean, where's he going
to strike next?

The h's.

Hey, that's good work,
dr. Crane.

You know,
think like a criminal.

Or like somebody acquainted
with our alphabet.

All right, all right,
all right, sammy.
Here's what we do.

We get to the girls
that he hasn't contacted yet,
and we set a trap.

Oh, yeah, good idea.
Wait a minute.

Yeah, all right,
girls' last names
that begin with "h."

Hi, miss howe.
Hi, woody.

Oh, yeah.

Say, um...

[clearing throat]
honey, i have
a little favor to ask you.

See, somebody out there's
got my little black book.

So?

So some guy is callin'
all the girls in it
and sayin' he's sam.

Right, then he sets up
dates with them,

has them put on
sexy outfits,

and i guess
he spies on them.

Sounds like you, sam.

No, but it's not bad.

(Carla)
anyways,

we want to use you
to help us set a trap
for this fiend.

Why would i want to
help sam get back
his great, big book of bimbos?

Because you're
the next great, big bimbo
he's gonna call.

What?

Why am i in the list of women
you've gone to bed with?

They're not all women
that i've gone to bed with.

Just the important women
in my life, you know?

I mean, the women
i've gone to bed with,
my cleaning lady,

um, my mother, and you.

Of course, now that
i've gone to bed
with my cleaning lady,

that just leaves them,
mom, and you.

Come on.
No. Forget it.

Why don't you give
the guy a break?

Why should i?

Because if you don't,
i might have to bring up

that thing
i happen to know about.

What thing?

It's a very personal thing
i happened to overhear.

You know
what i'm talkin' about.

That thing,
that if it ever got out

you won't be able to
show your face
around here again.

What is it
you want me to do?

Do you have
a short skirt?

Carla, that's amazing.

What have you
got on her?

Nothin'. I bluffed,
she crumbled.

[Audience chattering]

(johnny gilbert)
and now from boston,
this is jeopardy!

Now entering the studio
are today's contestants.

A doctor
and chief of neurosurgery

at boston general hospital,
milford reynolds.

A lawyer and mother of 6,

agnes borsic.

And a mailman, cliff clavin.

And now here is
the host of jeopardy!,

Alex trebek.

Thank you, johnny.

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.
Hi, everyone.

And welcome to
a very special edition
of jeopardy!

Thank you, alex.

You're welcome, cliff.

This is the very first time
we have taken our program
out on location.

Is cliffie
wearing make-up?

Well, it's a special day
for him.

We have 3 new contestants
with us today.

One of them at least,
very eager
to show how bright he is.

(Alex)
so, let's get right to it.

Players, good luck.

We're now going to play
the first round of jeopardy!

And here are
the categories for you.

"Civil servants,

"stamps from
around the world,

"mothers and sons.

Beer, bar trivia,"

and finally,

"celibacy."

(Alex)
cliff, you won
the coin toss backstage.

This has got to be
mr. Clavin's dream board.

Sure, he's home free
as long as he doesn't get
too cocky.

Cliff, could i get you
to pick a category
and an amount?

Why don't you go ahead
and pick any one you want.

I mean, i am feelin'
lucky today. Whoa!

Uh-oh.

Ok, we're back
in 30 seconds.

Can you believe it?

Mr. Clavin's goin'
into final jeopardy!
With $22,000.

Yeah, and i'm really
depressed, too.

Why?
I know
he's gonna blow it

before i have a chance
to hit him up for a loan.

Come on, he's way ahead.
There's no way he can lose.

Well, you got to
have faith, woody.

(Man)
at 3, 2...

welcome back,
ladies and gentlemen.

Our final
jeopardy! Category
is movies.

In a moment, contestants,
i'll give you the clue.

You'll then have 30 seconds
to write down your question.

Here we go.
Our final jeopardy!
Answer is,

"archibald leach,

"bernard schwartz,

and lucille lesueur."

Good luck, players.

¶[Jeopardy! Theme playing]

cliff, you're not
looking over there

to see what agnes
is writing down,
are you?

No, alex, i wouldn't try
anything sleazy like that.

I, uh, i was just admiring
the cut of her jacket, uh,

very shapely
for a mother of 6,
if i might say.

Thank you.
Oh, you're welcome.

Cliff, you got about
5 seconds to go.

All right, all right.

Hey, where's
the make-up guy?

Mr. Clavin's
startin' to look
a little pasty.

You would, too,

if you bet everything you had
and didn't know the answer.

What makes you think
he didn't know the answer?

A lot of people
wouldn't have noticed,
woody,

but there's a little
stream of blood
trickling down his chin

where he's bitten through
his lower lip.

(Alex)
agnes, what did you put down?

"Who are tony curtis,
cary grant,
and lucille ball?"

You're so very close,
but you're incorrect,
unfortunately.

And that means
it's going to
cost you $2,900.

That takes you
down to $400.

And it takes us
to cliff.

Cliff, good news
for you.

Both of your opponents
came up with
incorrect responses.

And what that means
is that,
even if you're wrong,

as long as you didn't do
anything foolish
like wager everything,

you're a cinch winner.
Well, then we, uh,

we don't have to see
my answer,
do we there, alex?

Listen, well, see you at the
tournament of champions.

Cliff, we're running
out of time.

And we are going to have to
take a look at your response.

You wrote down,

"who are 3 people
who've never been
in my kitchen?"

(Alex)
no, i'm sorry.
That too is wrong.

The correct response is,

what were the real names
of cary grant, tony curtis,
and joan crawford?

Be that as it may, alex,

those people have
never been in my kitchen.

Well, i'm sure
they haven't,

but obviously that's not
what we were going for

when we wrote up
that clue.

Obvious to who?

Cliff, it's all right.
You don't have to worry.

Unless you risked
more than $21,600,

you will be
the new jeopardy! Champion.

So let's take a look and see
what your wager was.

You bet
"$22,000 big ones"?

Which takes you
down to 0.

You bet it all.
Cliff, why would you do
something like that?

Because i knew that those
people had never been
in my kitchen.

You can ask them.
Come on, tony curtis
is still alive.

Get him on the phone,
go ahead.
I'll pay for the call.

Isn't gonna work,
cliff. Sorry.

Agnes, $400 is not
a big total,

but today it's enough
to make you
the new jeopardy! Champion.

So, congratulations.
No, she's not!

I'm the champion!
I answered
all those questions!

You saw me, america!
Write in and tell them!

Come on, wood,
if we sneak out
right now,

nobody will know
we're with him.

[Cliff shouting]

tony curtis,
if you're out there,
and you can hear me,

call in, and i'll split
the pot with you.

Oh, for crying out loud,
look at...

[people chattering]

uh, could i have
another beer,
please, rebecca?

I don't see
any money, norm.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, i really should,
uh, should go hit
that bank machine, i guess,

but, um, i hope
on the way out
i don't happen to just

inadvertently mention
that one thing

that carla and i
happen to know about you,
that, uh...

shut up, norm,
and drink your free beer.

This bluffing thing
is a gold mine.

Yes, i've given you
a wonderful gift, my son.

You must use it
for good only,
never for evil.

Free beer is good,
right?

You learn fast,
young norm.

[Telephone ringing]

hello.

Who?

Oh, sam.

Yeah, hold on
just one second.

It's the guy
with your book.

What shall i do?
Talk to him.

Pretend like
you're someone
who'd go out with me.

Ok, i'll try.

Hello?

[Stuttering]
hello? Oh,
yes, i'm back.

Silly me. I was just
talking into the wrong end
of the receiver.

(Rebecca)
uh...

oh, yes, i'm wearing
a miniskirt and, uh,

my french-cut panties.

I'm-- i'm just not
a real good skater.

Listen, uh,
maybe you could meet me
someplace else.

Have you ever heard
of the bar called cheers?

Uh-huh.

Good.

Well, then, why don't
you come over here
right now?

[Stuttering]
and please hurry,

it's-- it's--
it's hot,

and i don't know
how much longer
i can keep my clothes on.

That was really good.

That kind of
turned me on.

A dial tone
turns you on.

Hi, guys.

Guess you heard the story.

I guess everybody
knows by now, huh?

Nothin' but a loser.

Oh, it's ok, cliff.
We understand.

I can't believe
i lost on jeopardy!

Oh, you were
on jeopardy!?

All these years,
you know,

comin' off like a big genius,
big know-it-all.

[Scoffs]

i mean that game has been
a big part of my life.

And because of my greed,
i went out and desecrated
that, uh,

glorious american tradition
known as jeopardy!

I'm worthless.
I'm no good.

Oh, cliff,
it's a game show,
for god's sake.

Don't be ridiculous.
What are you talking about?

And you blew $22,000.

What a jonah.
Do you believe
this guy?

Pitiful.

When this depraved sicko
with your book
does come in,

how are we
gonna recognize him?

I don't know.
We'll--

stop it.

Hey, hey,
mister? Mister?

Have you seen a girl
wearing a black
leather miniskirt?

[Chuckling]
check the roller rink.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You wouldn't happen to be
sam malone, would you?

Who wants to know?

[Chuckling]

[laughing]
as a matter of fact,

i do.

Wow, what a coincidence.
Well, see ya.

Whoa, whoa,
come here, come here,
sit down,

will you? Hey.

Fork it over.

You want to just slip that
right in there?

Thank you.

Excuse me a second.

I'm rebecca howe,
the one you called
on the phone.

Now, you seem like
a nice adolescent.

I have a question
for you.

Why do you
call up these women

and make dates with them
and then not show up?

Well, i wanted
to date them,

but i'm just a kid.

And after all,

i was afraid they wouldn't
take me seriously.

Isn't he precious?

So how come
you showed up this time?

Well, i thought
it might be easier with her

since there's only
one star by her name.

What?

The first star's free.
You gotta earn the rest.

You know, what you just did
is very serious.
It's not funny.

I'm sorry.

It's just that,

well, i've always wanted
to be a sam malone.

Oh, yeah?

Well, you want to be
a--a ball player?

No, i want to be
a babe hound.

You play ball?

Y-you know,
you want to be
a babe hound,

you're goin' at this
all wrong.

I am?
Yeah.

You don't start out
a full-blown babe hound.

You gotta start out
as a babe pup.

Now,

there gotta be girls
your age runnin' around
that school

that you can call.

Huh?

Guess you're right,
mr. Malone.

And listen, i'm sorry

i didn't return your book
when i first found it, sir.

Oh, that's no problem.

Look, uh, tell you what
i'm gonna do here.

I'm gonna give you $25.

Why don't you go off
and get a decent haircut,
huh?

And don't forget,

tip the shampoo girl.
Hey, thanks.

Yeah, fine.
Get out of here now.

[Chuckling]

makes you feel kinda good to
turn a kid like that around.

Yep,
you're a regular
father flanagan.

Well, you know
what i always say,

"there are no bad boys,
just boys with bad haircuts."

Hey.

Alex trebek.
Hello.

Hi, i've seen you
on jeopardy!
You're even cuter in person.

Well, thank you very much.

Hey, could i ask you
a question?
Sure.

Do all you popular
game show hosts
know each other?

Oh, i see what
you're getting at.

The answer is, no.
I don't know vanna white
all that well.

Good. Then you'll
believe me

when i tell you
that i'm better
than her in bed.

Will you excuse me?

Hey, i can turn over letters
you've never seen before.

Mr. Trebek.
Hello, cliff.

Hey, listen,
i'm very sorry

about what happened to you
on our program
this afternoon.

So you'd admit
that you were out of line
by tellin' me i was wrong?

Well, i wouldn't go
quite that far.

The fact is that

a case could be made
for your point of view.

I think the problem for us
was in the way
we phrased our answer.

It allowed for more than
one possible question.

Yeah, see, see.
So you got my $44,000?

No. No, i don't.
Huh?

Uh, well then,
you're probably gonna
have me back

as a returning contestant,
then, right?

No, we're not gonna
do that, either.

I know, this isn't
what you want to hear,

but believe me,
we're as upset

about what happened
as you are.

You know,
it's a funny thing.

You spend years
hosting a show,

and you get into the habit
of thinking

there's just
one correct question
for every answer.

But life doesn't always
work out that way.

The world
is much more complex.

And you discover that
there are many different ways

of looking at the universe.

Yeah, so, uh,
what are you gonna do?

I think i'm gonna quit my job
as host of jeopardy!

Maybe spend a little time
in tibet.

Oh, no. Alex, look.
Alex, sit down here.

I mean, y-you gotta--
you don't know
what you're sayin'.

Well, now, wait a minute.
How can i go on
hosting the program

if i'm filled
with all these doubts?

All right, alex.

Think about what jeopardy!
Means to america.

Now, i-it's more
than just a game show.

I mean, it--
it's as much

a part of
the national fabric

as the postal uniform
that i wear with pride
every single day.

So you think i should stay
as the host of jeopardy!?

Absolutely.

And you won't bear me
any ill-will if i do?

Oh, bite your tongue.

All right. It's settled.

I'm gonna stay on
as the host of jeopardy!

Oh, thank goodness, alex.

Hey. Hey.
Hey, you hear that,
everybody?

I saved jeopardy!

I'm gonna--
i'm gonna go call ma.

She'll get a big kick
out of this.

Alex.

Yeah.
That's all right.
You're a regular guy.

Comin' in here
to make cliff feel better.
That's great.

I just came in here
for a beer, but i saw cliff,

and i figured
i'd better say something,

so i made up that story
about quitting.

He scares me.

You, too, huh?