Original subtitles

(Carla) cheers is filmed before a live studio audience

i'm telling you guys, davy crockett was the greatest american hero.

[Men chattering] no question.

Come on, man! That guy-- he deserted his wife and kids,

had one of the worst absentee records in the history of congress.

Well, who's your hero?

Bambino, babe ruth,

sultan of swat, built yankee stadium.

What? Come on, stop, will you?

From what i hear, the guy was a glutton,

a regular eating and drinking machine.

Oh, who am i supposed to pattern my life after, gandhi?

All right, you wanna talk about american heroes?

I'll give you numero uno, who?

The only guy who should be on the list: mr. J. Edgar hoover.

What? J. Edgar hoover was a paranoid,

right-wing, megalomaniac

who used his position to intimidate presidents and congressmen

and smear anybody who disagreed with him.

[Exclaiming] can't poke any holes in that guy, can you, then?

Let's face it, everybody. In america, in the 1990s,

there are no heroes anymore.

Hey, guys, i'd like you to meet my date.

[All chanting] sammy, sammy, sammy!

Sammy, sammy, sammy!

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ¶

whoo, boy!

Hey, everybody, guess what?

I was reading the farmer's almanac.

Guess what? This is an historical day.

This is the 2nd coldest day in the history of boston. Yeah?

And don't you wanna know when the coldest day

in the history of boston was?

Uh, well, things are pretty boring around here

but i don't think we've quite sunk that low yet, woody.

Guess what, you guys?

Robin colcord bought me a new desk.

So when was the coldest day in the history of boston?

(Woody) interestingly enough,

the coldest day in boston's history did not start out that way.

Yeah, it started out relatively warm,

then but by noon, the temperature began to drop.

So, you got a new desk, huh?

Hey, normie, you wanna see where the flannigans' dog almost bit me?

Oh, congratulations, cliff, you have just won the boston bore-athon.

Mr. Clavin, how can you be delivering mail

on the coldest day in the boston's history except for one?

A very good question, young woodman.

It seems that like, uh, any member of your camel family, uh,

we clavins have an extra--

oh, wait. That's how i can go without water for a week.

Woo! Boy, is it cold out there!

Don't even try, sam. These people don't care.

Hey, it's the kind of day

you wanna curl up in front of a roaring fire with a good book.

Unfortunately, the one i've been working on is around here someplace.

Oh, here we go! Let's see, where was i? Tina! Tina.

Tina, 2 stars.

2 stars? That's not very good, is it, sam?

Are you kidding me? It was great.

That's what she was wearing, 2 stars.

Sammy, uh, excuse me, do you know how to spell "courteous"?

Um, yeah, norm, just as it sounds.

Then check it with frasier.

Yeah, i gotta write this letter of recommendation

for doris, remember my secretary doris.

Oh, yeah, what, did she, uh, she quit?

No, i have to let her go.

Business hasn't been going too good since i decided to stop working.

Anyway, she's on her way over here. I got to finish this puppy.

Oh, what have you got so far there? I got like,

"to whom it may concern, doris..."

and then there's this middle chunk that i'm still working on.

Then i close it with, "i hope the red sox win the pennant.

Norm peterson."

Which is-- that's how i end all my correspondences.

No, actually, norm, you have to use upbeat adjectives like, um,

oh, hardworking, loyal, professional...

good. Good, good, good.

Uh, how about prompt?

Ooh, prompt. Cliffie, all right.

If i might make a suggestion, why don't you write it on stationery

instead of a cocktail napkin?

Boy, you know, i--i--i bet it was murder for robin

to get that desk delivered on a cold day like this.

Yeah, i bet there was only one day in boston's history

when it would've been harder to get something delivered.

If you pretend like you're interested in my desk,

i'll pretend like i'm interested in your weather.

Deal, miss howe.

You know, interestingly enough, the coldest day

in boston's history did not start off that way.

Like the barometric pressure in the morning-- i'm sorry, woody. Wait.

I bit off more than i can chew.

All right, guys.

Here, i got a good start on this.

I open with all that courtesy crap.

(Cliff) yeah?

And, uh, then i go, "i'm sorry to let doris go.

"No reflection on her. She's a, uh, fine worker.

"And i'm sure she'll be an asset to any company.

And may the red sox... yada-yada. Norm peterson."

(Cliff) that's good.

(Norm) yeah. Uh-oh.

Oh, there she is.

My god. He's going to fire the morton salt girl.

Doris, hi. Here you go. Uh,

just have a seat.

Thank you, mr. Peterson. Oh, you're welcome.

It's a very nice place. Well...

i would offer to buy you a drink, but i don't have any money.

Ah. Do you know if they accept the sears card?

No, no, it's ok, doris. It's ok, really.

[Sighing] doris, i don't know quite how to put this.

You've really been a great secretary, but, uh,

i just can't afford to keep you around any longer.

Oh, god, i'm fired. I wish i was dead.

Doris, really, i'm very sorry. You know, it really hurts me to do this.

Oh, don't be sorry.

The last thing i want to do is make you feel guilty.

I mean, working for you has been the high point of my life.

Doris, all you ever did was sit around my office and sharpen pencils.

Please, mr. Peterson, you're going to make me cry.

(Norm) anyway, um,

i've-- i've written a, uh,

letter of recommendation for you.

Go ahead and take that. You--you can type it up

and, uh, give it to me for my signature. That'd be...

oh, what the hell? Just go ahead and forge my signature.

Mr. Peterson, i'm overwhelmed.

Oh. I don't know what to say.

What's there to say? I think i've said it all there.

Oh, yes. Oh, yes, you have.

And i want you to know i love you, too, mr. Peterson.

Prompt, courteous, red sox.

Doris, i...

uh, you're reading something into this, i-- i think. You know?

You know, it must have taken a lot of guts to open up that way.

Doris, i didn't-- i didn't say anything.

I didn't mean to imply anything.

Well, then, why would you lead me on?

I'm not leading you on, doris. You're a fine secretary.

Uh, a good employee, that's-- end of story, ok?

Oh, i see. (Norm) yeah.

Well, this is so embarrassing.

So very, very embarrassing.

If you'll excuse me, i'll just go quietly.

Uh, oh, no, no, doris, please.

Now, you don't have to do that.

You don't want me to go?

No, no, i--i-- i don't want you to go quietly.

I mean, come on, think about it, this is a bar.

You can make as much noise as you like.

[Screaming] hey! Ho! Come on! Hey.

Hey, there!

I'll always remember the way you looked when you said that.

Norm, that was a very hard thing to do,

and an even harder thing to watch.

(Rebecca) oh, it's gorgeous.

[Sighing]

isn't it gorgeous, everyone?

You know, i could have had a desk like this once.

A beautiful antique, real prestige piece,

something to mirror and dignify my status.

But i decided that that sort of display was too ostentatious,

so i put my money into pinstriping my beamer.

Looks pretty sporty, too.

Afternoon, everybody.

(All) norm!

Hey, mr. Peterson, jack frost nipping at your nose?

Yeah. Now let's get joe beer nipping at my liver, huh?

Anybody seen doris around here?

Oh, yeah, little gal with the moe howard haircut?

Bingo. Yeah.

Thought you got rid of her.

Hey, sammy, i'm trying to. I can't shake the girl.

I mean, i come in cheers, she's here.

I go upstairs to plug the parking meter, she's there.

I come back in cheers, she's here.

Sammy, it's like somehow she's figured out my whole routine.

Oh, oh, mr. Peterson, i knew i'd find you here

when you weren't at the parking meter.

Could i warm up your seat for you?

It's ok, doris, it's never cold.

I love that about him.

[Sighing] doris,

we have to get something straight here, ok?

Yes, mr. Peterson?

[Sighing] i am not interested in you, ok?

I'm not interested in any woman except my wife,

and i'm not even interested in her.

She's a very lucky woman.

Doris, i really hate that it's come to this,

but scram, ok?

If my scramming would make you happy...

doris, get a life for christmas, will you?

If my-- if my getting a life would make you happy--

doris, yes, it would. You know, as a matter of fact, it would.

Before i go, mr. Peterson, could i--

could i sing seasons in the sun to you?

Go, doris.

¶ We had joy, we had fun ¶

¶ we had seasons in the sun ¶

no, i mean go, go, doris! Go on, get out of here! Go!

Go on.

Could i please just have my beer?

All right, but just guess, what was the coldest day in the history of boston?

Am i gonna have to talk to the manager?

She don't know.

Hey, woody, come here. You gotta listen to this.

(D.J.) All right, once again, for our free trip to hawaii,

be the first caller with the correct answer. And the question is,

what was the coldest day in the history of boston?

[Cheering]

woody, go for it, man, it's your chance to win here.

Oh, no, no, i'm not using my knowledge for personal gain.

I'm calling.

Uh, tell me. I'll call him.

No, no, you weren't interested before.

And i have a caller on the line.

Who am i speaking to, please?

Woody boyd.

Uh, mr. Boyd, what was the coldest day in boston's history?

Well, you don't really care. You're just like all the rest.

Woody, tell him!

All right, all right, all right.

The coldest day in boston's history was january 12, 1981.

Mr. Boyd, you've won our grand prize!

All right! The winds were westerly at 20 miles an hour.

You'll be staying-- you know, interestingly enough,

the--the coldest day in boston's history did not start out that way--

home of the world-famous--

the barometric pressure was--

hey, weatherman, shut up!

Not till i'm finished. Give me that.

He'll be right down to pick up his prize.

What did i win, a t-shirt? (Sam) ha.

Woody, you're going to hawaii.

I'm going to hawaii?

It's not cold there, suckers!

[Exclaiming]

guys, guys.

Robin just faxed me this message about the desk.

"Dear rebecca,

"by now, you've received your desk.

"You should know that it has a hidden secret

"that's going to make you very happy.

"Don't look for it

"because i want to be there to share the surprise.

"I will give you one hint.

[Sighing]

"the key word is

ring."

It's a ring, carla.

There is a ring hidden in that desk.

Isn't that romantic?

My ex-husband hid my engagement ring

in an x-rated soap on a rope.

He scrubbed me raw for 2 hours before i found it.

Now, that's magic time.

God, what am i supposed to do?

I can't look for my ring for 2 weeks?

All right. If that's what robin wants,

i will respect the man's wishes.

The important thing is to stay out of his drawers,

which shouldn't be too hard for you.

Want another one, norm?

No, thanks, sammy. I think i'm going home.

[Sniffing]

i don't know, not feeling too great, you know?

I just can't shake the sight of doris

staring at me and undressing me with her eyes.

Now i want to go home.

Anyway, uh, see you in the morning, i guess, huh?

Yeah, i may be a little late.

Uh, that's ok. I had a key made.

[Norm screaming]

[norm screaming]

she's following me! Make it stop! Make it stop!

I'm sorry, mr. Peterson. If you don't want me to follow you,

i could walk in front of you.

Then you'd have to tell me where you're going all the time.

Doris, how long have you been out there?

I don't know. The crystal on my watch cracked from the cold.

I would take it off but i think it's fused to my skin.

Doris, what am i gonna do with you?

Do you want me to go outside and wait by the parking meter?

No. Just sit down, will you?

Sammy, do you have any hot chocolate or something like that?

Uh, frasier, we have to talk.

Come on.

No, norm, i'm sorry.

What? I've had it with giving out

this free psychological advice.

It's bad enough i do it as a living.

I mean, i have to come to the bar and do it here, too?

I'm not about to analyze this poor, pitiful creature

who obviously is suffering from a very low self image

and finds in you a validation of her sense of self and her own personality.

Damn it! I did it again!

Ok, so what you're saying is that i basically appeal to her desperate nature?

Well, clinically speaking, she'd go for anything

that could lumber up to her under its own power.

Ok, now, how do i get rid of her?

Uh, try building up her self-confidence. Uh-huh.

If she feels better about herself,

she'd be less inclined to degrade herself

by going for the likes of you.

I mean no offense. I mean, when i say, "the likes of you,"

i don't mean you personally, just any unappealing, go-nowhere loser.

So, why should i take offense?

Good man.

Doris.

I have no idea why you're attracted

to such an unappealing, go-nowhere loser as me.

Now, there are 100s of--

i--i'd say there's 1,000s of guys who'd be happy to be involved with you.

1,000s? Yes, dozens.

But the letter.

No, doris, i didn't write the damn letter, ok?

I mean, i--i wrote the part with the red sox,

but the--the other guys, they helped with it. They--

cliff, cliff wrote the word "prompt," didn't you, cliffie?

Yeah, you bet.

Wow. And you don't even know me.

Although, maybe in a way you do.

Ooh, ooh, red light. Red light, cliff.

Oh, what's-- what's the matter? Frasier, come on, tell him.

Come on!

All right, but after this you're on the clock.

Cliff, you may think that you're getting involved

in a nice little conversation with this girl,

but, believe me, she will read volumes into everything

you say and do. Cliffie, it's like she's a zombie love slave,

just willing to do anything

to serve her man. You understand what i'm saying?

Oh, yeah. Crystal clear.

I got a live one. I don't even have to buy her a drink.

Hey.

Carla, come here.

There's a handle loose on one of the desk drawers. Do we have a screwdriver?

You can't fool me. You're just trying to take that desk apart

to look for your ring.

I'm way above that. I would not betray my man's trust.

You know, that handle is really loose.

Do we have a crowbar?

[Traffic humming]

you know, a postal carrier is pretty much

the indiana jones of your, uh, civil servants.

Just as indy faces off a pit of rattlesnakes

or a sewer full of rats,

i have to, daily mind you, trade wits with the flannigans' dog.

Oh, cliff, when you get out of the service,

could we go out together?

Well, uh, you know, doris, there's actually no rule

against mailmen dating women.

It just sort of turns out that way.

How you doing there, norm?

Uh, kind of at loose ends a little bit, you know?

[Inhaling]

i just feel strange not having

that sad, pathetic creature following me around all the time.

Doris kind of grew on you, huh?

Oh, no. I meant cliff.

Hi, guys.

Woody, what are you doing in that stuff?

Man, where's your coat? You must be freezin'.

You're telling me.

The deejays made me dress up in all this hawaiian stuff

and take pictures outside the radio station.

Then they locked me out and kept all my clothes.

I hate those mean morning shows.

Hey, there. Yeah.

We found this in the truck.

It must've fallen out that big old desk.

Oh. Well, yeah, thanks very much.

Ooh.

I wonder if...

[mocking rebecca] the ring is in there?

I'll tell you, nothing more pathetic than a billionaire on the make.

You know, when i got a babe in my cross hairs,

i don't waste time sending her jewelry and furniture.

The only time you'll see me move a desk

is when i want more room on the floor for her.

What do you got? No ring in here, just some paper.

[Clears throat]

"this certificate authenticates

"that this desk once belonged to george bernard shaw.

"It has become known as the ring desk

"because of the dark ring clearly visible on the desktop

"where he set down his tea cup

upon completing act v of man and superman."

I wonder if that's the one where he fought the mole people?

So this tea cup thing is the ring

colcord was talking about.

Yeah, boy, that's really romantic, isn't it?

A desk that used to belong to some dork who writes comic books.

This robin, man, he's got a lot to learn about chicks.

"This desk has been appraised at 5--"

whoa, look at all those zeroes. Whoa!

Maybe, uh, maybe i should tell rebecca, huh?

[Chainsaw buzzing]

maybe, some other time.

I have to go powder my nose.

Boy, oh, boy, am i dreaming or what?

[Chuckling] somebody pinch me.

[Groaning]

go away! Go away! Go away!

Carla, carla, carla.

Stop hurting cliff, now.

All right, cliffie, i'm not gonna let you

take advantage of that poor girl, ok?

Oh, come on, stop being such a big baby.

Y-you're just mad 'cause, uh, she likes me and not you.

Carla, hurt cliff. No, no! Hey! No, no, no.

I'm having a good time. That's all, man.

Come on, cliff, she's a nice girl. She's got a few problems,

and you're just using that knowledge to get an easy roll in the hay.

Well, duh!

Come on, cliff, you don't really care about her. Admit it.

Oh, come on, norm, of course i care about the girl.

I mean, i'm the one who said she was prompt.

You're a mailman, what the hell do you know about prompt?

All right. That's it, peterson.

I'm trained in the art of self-defense. All postal carriers are.

Oh, i'm really shaking, cliff. What are you going to do, speed sort me?

Hey, are you two fighting over me?

Oh, no. I've broken up a wonderful friendship

because i was selfishly thinking of nothing

but my own burning womanly needs.

I hate myself.

Now this has gone on long enough.

If i may intercede, you are mistaken.

2 men were about to have a fight over you.

Now that should show you that you're worth having.

You don't have to settle, you can pick and choose.

You can be selective you can go out with whoever you want.

Who are you, and why are you so damned handsome?

You're settling again.

Oh. Oh, i guess you're right.

[Mumbling]

of course, in a case with someone like me, i can see how you wouldn't

think it was settling--

oh, no, no, you're right. I can do better.

Good luck, babe.

I can do better than you.

I can do better than you.

I can do better than you.

No. I could never do better than you.

[Groaning]

doris!

Doris, what's happened to you?

You--you weren't like this when you worked for me.

Well, i was different then.

I was somebody.

I was mr. Peterson's secretary.

I mean, what am i now?

Well, wait a minute. Now what if you came back to work for me, huh?

What if i hired you again?

Mr. Peterson please don't taunt me this way.

No. I'm serious.

I would hire you, we miss you at the office.

I mean, business has fallen off these--

these 7 hours since you've been gone, terribly.

Oh, mr. Peterson, i gladly accept your offer.

Thank you. Great, great.

[Sighing]

but i--i think, you should know,

i have a rule about romance in the workplace.

Yeah, sure. Anything you say. What?

I don't fish off the company pier.

That's ok, doris. This company doesn't have a pier.

Ah,

i think i handled that one rather well, don't you, wood?

Could i have a, uh, celebratory beer, please?

Handled it, my foot! Hey.

You mean to tell me, you're going to pay that girl week after week

just to stop following you, watching your every move,

interrupting your beer drinking?

Come on, frasier, this is nothing. I bought vera a house.