All language subtitles for Cheers - 808 - For Real Men Only

(Male narrator)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hey, everybody!

My grandmother
cleaned out her attic.
Guess what she found?

Your grandfather?

No. He doesn't go
in the attic.

It's a memory quilt
that all the women

in my family made for me
when i graduated from
high school.

Yeah, i've heard about
these things.

Lots of women get together

and embroider patches
that illustrate
the happy memories

of a young man's life.

So these women were, what,
authentic folk artists
then, huh?

No, just bored housewives.

Hey, check this out.

See this soft little
square here?
Yeah.

This is a piece of
my very first baby blanket.

Now, uh, what do those
little dots signify?

Well, that represents
my very first childhood
disease, smallpox.

I almost died.

Well, what's that, uh,
long green thing there?

Oh, uh, this is
the beanstalk from
my first high school play.

I fell off of it
in the first act,

cracked 2 ribs
and punctured a lung.

I almost died.

Oh, this red patch here
represents the big fire

that burned down my house
when i was 6.

And what, you almost died?

No, i got out.

But while i was running away,
i fell in this well,

right here and i almost...

well, you know.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

ok, everybody, i got
a petition here

i want you all to sign.

Clavin, you first.

Huh? No, no, carla,
i'm very particular

about where i put
my john hancock.

If you don't sign this
in the next 30 seconds,

your john hancock
is gonna be a betsy ross.

Right about here, you say?

Uh, not that i'm questioning
you, or anything sweetheart,

but what are we
signing here?

Well, you now,
when eddie passed away, uh,

i wanted to do something
special for him so

i started this petition
to get the bruins
to retire his number,

kind of like a memorial.

Yeah, that will show him
that people of boston
won't forget old--

old-- what the hell's
his number?

38.
38. Oh, no, no.

No, no, 38 will not work.

That's like the most popular
guy on the team, one of
the top scorers.

Is he dead?

All right, eddie's got him
there, i guess.

Don't you forget it.

All right i got to get
more names, everybody!

You guys over here,
you want to sign a petition

to commemorate eddie lebec?

Oh, sure.

Well deserved,
too.
Thank you.

At least somebody around here
has some respect.

Who's eddie lebec?
You remember.

He's that cartoon skunk.

Who always--always
fell in love
with black cats

that had crawled under
freshly painted fences.

Oh, yeah.

Is he dead?

Yeah, just sign.

[Mumbling]

why...

why me?

You want to talk about it,
or do you want to whine?

I guess i want to
talk about it.

No, no. We can't do both.

Corporate wants me to
throw some idiotic, stupid
retirement party

for some insignificant
middle-management nobody.

You're retiring?
Congratulations!

I wish. You know,
i thought i was through
with this sort of crap.

Corporate hasn't
bothered me for months now.

In fact, i haven't even
heard from those people
in i don't know how long.

Hey.

Wait a minute.

You don't think
they have somebody else
doing this stuff, do you?

[Gasps]
who's moving in on my turf?

I'm gonna make
a few calls.

Hello, everyone.

It's cranes a trois.

Look who's making
his first trip to the big bar.

Ooh, show everybody
his little fake i.D., Hon.

Frasier, please.

Oh, i'm just having
a little fun.

You know, i've tapped
into a whole new vein of
humor with this baby thing.

For example, how many babies
does it take to change
a light bulb?

Answer: none!

Babies don't have the motor
skills or the depth perception
to change a light bulb.

That one does get me.

He looks so different
than he did in the hospital.

Yes, i know. You know
the days flee so quickly.

If only we had had
the foresight to capture those
early days of innocence,

but now, they're gone forever.

How old is he now?
About a week.

Say, did his bellybutton
fall off yet?

Any day now.

What, what do you mean?

Well, you see,
when the umbilical cord
is severed,

the remaining umbilicus
stays attached to the naval
for several days,

during which time
it, uh, comes to resemble

a sort of shriveled,
week-old banana.

Hey, you know, it's very funny
you use that analogy
because the, uh,

human umbilical cord
if memory serves
is 90% potassium.

Stay away from the baby,
will you, cliff?

You got a name
for him yet?

Frederick.
Hey, all right!

Fred freddy,
the fredder man!

Frederick.

That, uh,
that's quite a rig
you got there.

Isn't it marvelous?

This is a native rebozo
used by the peasant women
of mexico

to keep the baby close
and warm and enable it to feel
the mother's heartbeat.

How much does something
like that run you?

Oh, just a few paltry
pesos in mexico.

Or $144 at saks.

Well, daddy, we should run
if we want to pick up

those deli platters
before the party.
Right.

You are all coming
to the bris
this afternoon, aren't you?

Oh, you bet, we wouldn't
miss that bris deal
for anything.

You know, i can't tell you
how much it means to us.

As you all know, i was raised
without a religious tradition,

and i'm determined my son
shall not be
similarly deprived.

I'm so grateful to lilith
and her jewish faith

for providing frederick
a heritage of spirituality.

You know,
and the ceremony promises
to be quite enlightening, too.

I mean, after all
it's not everyday
you're ritually circumcised.

What?

Well, that's what
a bris is.

Yes. It's the religious
ceremony where the--the
baby is circumcised.

Oh, the baby!

Look, eddie wasn't just
any hockey player.
He was a legend.

He represents
the little people.

It's the least you can do!

Ok, fine!

Boy, one of these days
i'm gonna kill my mother.

Hey, are those losers
from corporate here yet?

Just you.

What is that?

Oh, i needed some
refreshments for
the retirement party, so,

i got this day-old platter
of seafood from melville's.

Oh, the shrimp
is slithering off
the toothpicks.

[Groans]
well, don't just stand there.
Get me a hot glue gun.

Sam, what are you doing
back? I thought you were going
to the baby's bris.

Well, i wanted to.

You ever try to find a date
for one of those things?

Don't you think that frasier
and lilith are gonna be
insulted if you're not there?

Oh, you know what a mob scene
those circumcisions are.

They're not gonna miss
one little person.

Hey, wait a minute, man.
What are you doing here?

I was gonna go,

but i didn't-- you know,
the thought of renting
a tuxedo and everything...

it wasn't formal. You didn't
need to rent a tuxedo.
No?

Great, then i can afford
a few more rounds.

You know, you guys,
this is a very
important occasion

for the cranes.
Somebody should go there
from cheers.

Why aren't you there?

I have a perfect excuse.

I have to entertain
a bunch of deadheads.

Well, we're here.
Start, uh, juggling.

Uh, we're here for
my retirement party.

Oh, yes, yes, yes,
everything's set up
in the back.

Come on.

Come on.
Shake 'em, don't dawdle.

I don't see why
i have to retire, i'm only 65.

I've got 10 or 15 more
good years in me.

The seafood will
take care of that.

Hey. Sam and mr. Peterson
are here.

[Exclaims]
you didn't go either?

Well, it's not our fault.
I mean...

we looked and looked
for a place to park.
Just couldn't find one.

Maybe we should have
looked near their house

instead of just around
the ball park.

So you guys all
chickened out, huh?

Carla, you're a woman.
You couldn't
possibly understand.

What, you're a bunch of
wussy wimps

who couldn't even
go to a religious ceremony

that involved a little pain
that wasn't even your own?

Oh, then you
do understand.

Uh, yeah,
this is nothing anyway.

The original rites
of passage, uh, started

with the jungle tribes
down in borneo.

Yeah?
When young jungle
tribal lad

was, uh, on the brink
of puberty, they'd bring him
forward and, uh,

take out this large,
sharpened clamshell--

oh, no, no. Don't tell me.

They would, uh, fill it
with dip, pass it around
with the hors d'oeuvres.

Oh.
Then they'd take
these 2 big jagged rocks...

no, cliff, cliff,
cliff, cliff.

...bang them together
to call the tribes
out of the hills.

You know, then the, uh,
witchdoctor stepped up

with this long,
sharpened bamboo staff...

oh, here it comes.

...shoved it into the ground
and hung a flag on it.

Then they danced around it
pretty much till
they dropped really.

Wait. W-w-when do they
circumcise the kid?

What do you mean,
circumcise?

There are no jews
in borneo, you mulyak.

I don't know
about you guys...

i feel ashamed.
I mean, lilith and frasier
are our friends, you know?

We should be there.

Sammy's right.

There are times
when a man has to stand up
and be counted.

Now, they will have
those really big pickles,
won't they?

Yeah, you're right.
I'm with you, sammy.

Besides, you know,
frasier's our pal.

You know, if he's man
enough to do this,
then we should be.

There you go.
Come on.

The bris is off.
I've kidnapped my son.

You kidnapped him?
What about the bris?

Sam, i just couldn't
go through with it.

I mean, i-- you know,
i tried to. Tradition
and lilith and all that,

but, my god, i'm the--
i'm the boy's father.
And that guy was

about to give my son
one hell of a boo-boo.

I assure you, frederick,

this won't happen
every time we have
people over to the house.

What, uh,

so what did the little woman
have to say about all this?

Oh, my god, lilith.

You know, i never looked back
after i elbowed her into
the chopped liver.

Frasier, as a married man,
i think i can give you
some advice.

You go back, you talk to her,
you iron this out.

What's the worst
that could happen?
I mean, she can't kill you.

You were dead
the moment you said,
"i do."

You're right.
I should go back.

But i'd be so embarrassed.

I mean, how can you go back
to a roomful of people

that think you're
a total idiot? I mean,
how do you do it, cliff?

Well, i don't really
like to divulge...

hey!

Come here, come here,
listen, listen,
i know what you'd tell me

in a situation like this.
First you'd say
lots of gobbledygook

that no one could understand
but then you'd

get me to go back there
and face the music.

Admit the truth.

Well, you're right, sam.

Confronting one's fears
is 1 of 5 ways
to resolve an inner conflict.

Of course
the other 4 being--
god, aren't i pompous ass?

No, you're not pompous.

Listen,
i'll tell you what,

we're all gonna go back
there with you.

All right.
Really?

You're gonna go with me?

You bet.
Oh, great. You know,

you're right, guys.
I was kind of panicked there
for a few minutes,

but i'm ready to atone now,
and start behaving like
a rational and good parent.

Oops.

I guess we're gonna need you.

Carla, how's your
petition coming?

Well, it was
a little slow at first,

but since i started
forging people's signatures,
it's gone a lot faster.

That's nice. You know,
i never did sign that.

Oh, yeah, you did.

Really?

I worked you in right here
between tom cruise
and mel gibson.

Ooh, forge me again.

How's it going, larry?

Have you ever been roasted
by 7 people you don't know?

All those funny,
insulting toasts.

I came out to prepare
my hilarious rebuttal.

So far, all i can
think of is,

"shut up. You're hurting
my feelings."

[Laughing]

i got a grange reunion
coming up.

Can i steal that?

Maybe i ought to
just--just moon them all

and be done with it.

No, i'd better not.

25 years of sitting
behind a desk
for that company,

i have a pretty
sorry excuse for a butt.

Well, you know, if you need
anything else, just holler.

What a loser.

He's not kidding
about that butt, either.

Well, i feel sorry
for that guy.

This is probably one of
the last parties
he'll ever have,

and he doesn't look like
he's having a very good time.

You know, maybe we should
liven it up.

I'm great at parties.

Back in hanover,
i invented the game
"hide bob's pants."

Boy, everyone
loved that game.

Well, except for bob.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, frasier.
You through with the bris?

Yes, yes, yes.

My son is happy, healthy,
and nowhere in the vicinity
of this bar.

Ouch!

Say, uh, just out of
curiosity, you know,

is anybody in the bar
happen to be lactating

and in need of some
quick cash?

Well, if so, just, uh, meet me
in the office.

Ouch! Damn it, frederick,

give it up.
It's just not gonna happen.

You know what?

I think he's got the baby
under that coat.

How did you know that,
woody?

Oh, it's the same
basic premise as
"hide bob's pants."

Oh, my god,
it's mr. Sheridan.

What is he doing here?

Who's he,
another deadhead?

No. He's the executive
vice president

in charge of east coast
marketing, research,
and sales.

He's the what?

He's the head deadhead.

Mr. Sheridan,
what a surprise!

Miss howe,
you're looking very well.

Thank you and to what do i
owe this honor?

Well, i'm here
for larry's party.

You know larry?

Oh, yes, he's
a dear old friend
and my wife's younger brother.

Is your wife coming?

No. I'm afraid
she's passed away.

Oh, then you're stag?

Uh, i--i didn't expect to
see you at this party, sir.

Oh, i remember what
wonderful shindigs
you throw.

As a matter of fact,
i recommended you
for larry's farewell.

I can't wait to see
what fun and excitement
you've planned.

You know, actually, uh,
the real surprises
haven't come yet.

Oh, good, then i haven't
missed anything.

That's safe to say.

Now those pants
i could hide.

Now i have to plan something
exciting for these people!

Frasier?

Frasier?
Wh-where is he?

Where's my husband?
Where's my baby?

Where's my beer?

They're in the office.

Dr. Levinson, friends,

please, just have a seat.

I'll just be a minute
while i reason with him.

Wife to husband.
Scientist to scientist.

Frasier, have you gone
completely meshugana?

Sam, this is terrible.

What?

Mr. Sheridan,
the vice president is here and
he expects a terrific party.

Now i've got to think
of something,
think of something fantastic.

What do you think?

It's your party.
Y-you think of something.

Yeah, right.
What do you want me to do?

Go back there, strip naked,
and gyrate to
funky cold medina?

We could help you rehearse
if you want.

I'm being nuts. I gotta think
of something classy.

Yeah, i'll tell you what
the sox did at our reunion
we had once.

Didn't hurt a bit.
What was that?

Wet t-shirt contest.
Excuse me?

All right, it wasn't
a contest, it was fixed,
but we still had a lot of fun.

You know, you don't
just rustle up
a wet t-shirt contest

at the drop of a hat.

Sure you do. It's just like
ordering a pizza.

As a matter of fact,
i think i have
the 800 number here.

Here you go.

"Fulfilling your
wet t-shirt needs
since 1988."

No, sam, i'm not gonna
let you call

and arrange
a wet t-shirt contest.

It exploits women.

What, you got a better idea?

I'll call.

What about
exploiting women?

Well, you know,
when a man does it,
it's exploitation.

When a woman does it,
it's good business.

Hi!

Is this jiggly party queens?

Well, frasier,
you've been in there quite
a while. How's it going?

Well, it shouldn't be
much longer.

It's almost
my turn to talk.

So how do you think
the party's going?

It's terrific.

You know, if those kittens
with their cropped tops
and seltzer bottles

can't liven things up,
then darn it,

men aren't just as depraved
as i thought they were.

How's it going? Are the girls
cheering him up?

Well, no. Actually, the girls
are depressed now, too.

Boy, i'll tell you,
nothing can bring down
a party faster

than a wet girl
telling sad stories.

Great. My career is over.

Yeah, i wanted to
put my arm around her
and comfort her,

but she told me
it would me cost $10.

It made me ashamed
to be a man.

Anybody, uh, got change
for a $50?

All right, let's get this
bris show on the road.
Chop, chop.

Ooh, sorry.
Wrong choice of words.

Rebecca, would you object
if we used your poolroom?

Why not?

The party's dead.

My career is dead.

I'm thinking of letting woody
hide my pants.

Thank you.

You can, uh, you can actually
do a bris in a bar?

Oh, yes, i've performed
the ceremony in many places.

Granted, a bar's
a little irregular,

but, uh, i must say,
it's a lot cheerier than
the bernsteins' rec room.

May i ask what, uh, changed
your mind?

Well, frasier and i
had a long talk,

and we both agree that
frederick would have
the same experience

even if the circumcision
took place in the hospital,

the only difference being
we wouldn't have to

go through the trauma
of seeing it happen.

Now we realize
that's selfish.

It'll be much easier
on frederick

if we're here to
comfort and support him.

Therefore, we've decided to
go through with the ceremony.

Don't touch my baby!

Got that out of my system.
Now we can proceed.

Great. I did it!

Eddie's gonna be honored
after all.

Oh, terrific. So the bruins
are retiring his number?

No, no, the bruins
convinced me that

eddie wasn't
a good enough player
for that kind of an honor.

But they offered me
season tickets

if i leave them alone,
which was pretty much what i
was after in the first place.

Yeah, wait till
i tell the kids.

Maybe now
they'll respect him.

Miss howe,
may i see you, please?

Yes.

Miss howe,

that was the strangest
get-together

i've ever attended.

I am so sorry, sir.

Ordinarily,
i'd be very upset, but it--

it all seems to have
worked out fairly well.

It did?
Yes.

My brother-in-law, larry,

is finally
going to leave my house.

I'm going to have
a hot pink wedding.

Boy, it'll be good not having
that sorry butt
around the house anymore.

Norm, i'm glad
we went to the ceremony.

Me, too, cliffie.
I'm kind of proud of myself,
you know?

Figure if i could
eat through that,

i could eat
through anything.

It's ok, baby.

[Baby whimpering]
everything will be fine.

(Frasier)
it's ok, baby.

Everything will be fine.

Say, you know,

[whimpering]
what do you say next time
we have a girl?