Original subtitles

(Sam) cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

(Woody) look at that baby go.

Wabash cannonball.

[Train whistle blows] yes, siree-o,

2 mail cars serving the citizens of this great land, woody.

Cliffie, come on, man.

I laid the track for you, i helped you with the wiring,

when do i get to handle the controls?

When i think you're good and ready, there, young man.

That's right, mr. Peterson.

When we think you're good and ready.

Hey, carla, check this out.

Mr. Clavin came up with a great idea for this railroad

i think you're really gonna like.

Does it involve tyin' him to the tracks

with a stick of dynamite in his mouth?

Oh, now, look, carla.

This baby is a great labor-saving device. You'll see. Now, uh...

look, why don't you just sit right down over there

and pretend that you're a customer.

So, what'll you have, missy?

Gee, i love role-playing.

May i have a beer, please, mr. Bartender?

One brew, coming right up.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, n-n-norm, now, take heed, here.

It takes a steady hand to man a throttle.

Yeah, but it only takes one finger to throw a switch.

Last stop, everybody off.

¶ Making your way in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything you've got ¶

¶ taking a break from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be where everybody knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go where everybody knows your name ¶

[sighing]

sam, why do i always have to learn everything from the newspaper?

Look at this column.

"On this day in boston's history."

Yeah, so? I mean, they run this column every day.

It tells you what happened 10 years ago, 50 years ago.

What are we looking for, last time you had sex?

[Scoffs]

no, no, no. This only goes back 100 years.

Why are you all so interested in my sex life?

Well, somebody has to be.

Oh, hey, look at that. Did you see this, rebecca?

[Scoffs] duh.

"100 years ago today,

a new tavern opened at 112-and-a-half beacon street."

Oh, wait, wait. A mailman never forgets an address. Now...

why is 112-and-a-half beacon street

sending a message to my brain?

Probably because you're sittin' on it.

Carla, i hate it when you make those sittin'-on-my-brain jokes.

No, no, no, no, cliffie,

she meant 112-and-a-half beacon street.

That's cheers' address. You're sittin' here.

No. I was making a cliff-sittin'-on-his-brain joke.

See? I told you. Thank you, carla.

The point is, this is our centennial.

Cheers is 100 years old.

Hang on there. I-isn't there a sign outside that says,

"established in 1895"?

No, uh, don't pay any attention to that. I made that number up.

[Scoffs]

you what?

I-it was back when carla was into that numbers stuff.

You mean the science of numerology, sam.

You see, boss, if you take 1-8-9-5 and you reduce it,

you come out to a 5.

Whereas 1-8-8-9 comes out to an 8.

And 5 for me is obviously a much luckier number than an 8.

Wait, wait, wait, now, you have 8 children.

Exactly, and i should've stopped at 5.

Well, anyway, i gotta tell you,

i'm going to make the most of this centennial thing.

I already have woody at the library doing research,

and i think we'll all dress in gay '90s costumes.

What? No, no. No.

No, no, no. Oh, yes, yes, yes.

We are gonna spend the entire week

celebrating the fabulous 100 years of cheers.

[Groaning] those centennial things are so dorky.

I actually think i'll roll back the prices to 1889 prices.

Like, beer would be 5 cents a glass.

All right, dork line forms right behind me.

See? This is really gonna be big.

You know, i'm gonna call mayor flynn's office,

and see if they'll designate cheers a landmark.

I just wish i had an in with him.

An in? Well, uh,

i-i've been corresponding with his honor

for, you know, about a year now, every week.

Just write him little missives,

you know, talking about the running of our fair city.

You--you might wanna mention my name.

Right, cliff. And when i speak to president bush,

i'll remember you to him, too.

Nah, don't bother. We're not on speaking terms.

He forgot to send me a thank-you for the inaugural fruitcake i sent him.

Oh, look who's here. It's wimpy and blimpy.

Haven't popped that kid yet, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no. Lilith had the baby weeks ago.

We just decided to put it back in for old times' sake.

Frasier, don't snipe. People are interested.

Oh, all right, i'll behave.

I guess i'm just a little overanxious

to finally see the slimy little rat.

Frasier, the child will be born

when the child is ready to be born.

(Cliff) well, enjoy your freedom, lilith.

'Cause once you've gone through the unspeakable horror of childbirth

and the painful drudgery of parenthood,

you'll spend the rest of your life

wishing that you'd sold the little brat to the gypsies.

How would you know?

Ah, that's what my ma tells me.

Aha! Mayor flynn's office loves the idea.

He's not only gonna name next saturday "cheers day,"

he may also come here in person to present us with a special plaque.

Oh, woody,

i'm glad you're back. What'd you find out at the library?

Oh, a bunch of stuff.

You know, like they have, uh,

story hour every tuesday and thursday.

The fine for overdue books is 10 cents a day,

and you can't yell out things like, "wow, 10 cents a day?"

Woody, i mean, what did you find out

about the history of this place?

Nothing much.

Really?

Just pullin' your chain! Yank, yank!

No, no, looky here.

I got this great big boston history book.

Near as i can figure,

this place was originally called "mom's."

Mom's. Heh.

You know, i bet mom was some twinkly little old lady

and all the whalers used to come in here and--

and--and order her homemade apple pie.

Well, no. Actually, uh, mom was an "aging ex-fan dancer

"who provided free room and board

to attractive, newly arriving immigrant groups."

Woody, please say, "yank, yank."

No, it says so right here.

You know, this actually reminds me

of a cute little old place they had back in hanover.

Woody, you've got the wrong idea.

Yeah, you're probably right.

The place back in hanover was a whorehouse.

[139th street quartet singing] ¶ in town, we're back in town ¶

that was fantastic!

Aren't you guys supposed to have a monkey?

All right, guys, does this look like 1889?

Hey!

Didn't we agree to all wear costumes? Uh-huh.

Well, why didn't you?

Look at me, i'm the only one. I look like an idiot.

That's why.

People, will you help me here?

I'm trying to create a turn-of-the-century mood.

So am i. Sammy, here's $5.

Can i have 100 beers, please?

You know, everything's coming out pretty good.

The mayor's on his way, the 5:00 news is gonna send a camera team,

oh, and i see my singers are here.

Yeah, thanks a lot for them.

Now i have to put up with barbershop all day. I hate barbershop.

Where do you get your hair cut, sam?

Oh. Here. Tell 'em sam sent you.

Sam, the quartet is very, very important.

I want everything to be just like it was at the turn of the century.

¶ Wait till the sun shines, nelly ¶

¶ and the clouds go drifting by ¶

just knock it off, will you?

Sam!

Oh, come on. That kind of stuff's

been getting on people's nerves for 100 years.

It's time somebody did something about it.

No offense.

Miss howe?

[Gasps]

oh, goody, goody!

It's my special guest.

Hi, everybody, i want you to meet mr. Weaver.

Come in, mr. Weaver.

Sam, i'd like you to meet mr. Weaver.

He's over 106 years old.

Really? Why, you don't look it, i guess.

I mean, who would know, huh?

The reason mr. Weaver's our guest of honor today

is because he used to live in this neighborhood.

Do you get it? He was here when cheers opened.

Big deal. I'm always here when cheers opens.

I mean originally.

Mr. Weaver confirmed that there was a beer tavern here in 1889.

This man is a living treasure.

Hey, wait a minute.

Did you just pinch me?

Did i? Bad boy.

Hey!

Hey, mac. Pinch me again and you won't live to 107.

¶ Wait till-- you shut up!

Lilith, i promise i will never say another word about inducing labor.

Thank you. Boo!

Frasier, it's not hiccups. You can't scare it out.

My god, lilith, you still haven't delivered that child yet?

No, i haven't, rebecca.

Lilith's logic is that if she can keep clenching long enough

we may bypass the terrible twos.

Frasier, i'm not clenching. The child is simply not ready to be born.

Lilith, the child is 2 weeks overdue.

Boy, 2 weeks overdue?

Why, you'd be out $1.40 at the library.

[Gasps]

oh, my god, it's him! It's the mayor.

Hey, hey! It really is the mayor. Hi!

And look, he's got a little plaque.

Well, he's probably too busy to brush between meals.

No.

How do you do, your honor?

I'm rebecca howe. Welcome to cheers' 100th anniversary.

Please, come in. Meet my staff.

This is sam malone. How do.

This is woody boyd,

carla lebec, the mayor. Pleased to meet you.

So what's with all the potholes on my street?

Carla.

It's all right, i voted for him twice.

In the same election.

Um, i'm sure you're joking, but i'll look into those potholes for you.

Mayor, if you'd come this way, then i think we'll have time--

uh, excuse me, mr. Mayor. We haven't had the honor yet.

[Clearing throat] i'm somebody who sort of writes you about once a week.

You might remember the name. Cliff clavin?

Clavin. Clavin. Uh, why does that name ring a bell?

Your honor.

Oh, my god. He's the one. Yeah.

See if he's armed.

[Shouting]

there's got to be a mistake here.

I mean, i'm not a fanatic. I-i'm a member of the u.S. Postal service.

Yep, he's the guy all right.

What're you talking about? You-you-you're just miffed

because you didn't get an inaugural fruitcake on your election.

Well, you can hold your breath, pal,

'cause when i get out of jail...

excuse me, your honor, we've known cliff clavin for a long time.

He's ok. Yeah.

So you don't think he could snap and become violent?

Uh, well, "ok" might be too strong of a word.

Your honor, i--i can assure you that that is not typical of our clientele here.

Most of the people that come in here are,

well, they're professionals.

You know, i'm beginning to wonder if you're fit to carry my seed.

I'm beginning to wish you'd kept it.

Aren't they fun?

Oh, oh, your honor, wait, please.

I would like you to meet mr. Weaver.

Mr. Weaver is over 106 years old

and still very active.

Carla.

Would you please show mr. Weaver our relaxing and lovely billiards lounge?

Let's go, pops.

Put your hands in your pockets and walk 5 feet in front of me.

Well, now that we have this quiet time alone,

maybe now would be a good time for you to present that plaque.

Absolutely, miss howe.

Ready when you are, mr. Mayor. Thank you, bob.

On behalf of the people of the city of boston,

it is a great pleasure-- hey, hey, hey!

The old geezer just keeled over on the pool table.

Oh, boy. Somebody get a doctor. I'm a doctor.

Oh, really, lilith.

I suppose you'll revive him by having a baby on him.

Would you just step on it?

There are people waiting to use that pool table.

(Frasier) i know it.

Just as well, seeing as i just went into labor.

Yow! Oh!

Whoa! Okay.

¶ Wait till the sun shines, nelly ¶

(all) shut up!

(Sam) excuse me, can i have your attention, please?

Oh, thank god. How are you, mr. Weaver?

He's fine. He has something he wants to say to everybody.

I'm sorry. Sorry for what?

He just faked the heart attack so girls would bend over him.

Although, personally, i think that was rather clever.

Darling, sam just told me. Are you feeling any discomfort?

Whoa!

I--i'll take that as a yes.

I'll go pull the car around, we'll be at the hospital in no time.

Woody, would you help her with her lamaze? What's lamaze?

Oh, woody, there's no time for that now. All right, very briefly.

It's a psychoprophylactic relaxation method.

It was discovered by the great late dr. Fernand lamaze while on a trip to russia.

It was later perfected-- holy mother of pearl!

Well, just go "hoo, hoo, hoo, hee, hee, hee!"

I'm gonna, uh, boil some water.

What for?

I'm gonna have some tea. Do you want some?

How's that go, again?

(Both) hoo, hoo, hoo. Hee, hee, hee.

Hoo, hoo, hoo. Hee, hee, hee.

Woody, woody, woody, take it easy.

Don't let lilith hyperventilate, there.

[Both puffing]

[exclaims]

good boy.

Obviously, miss howe, things are quite hectic around here.

I better come back in another 100 years.

No, no, no! It's not hectic here. It-it's all this

faking heart attacks, and giving birth, and illegal gambling.

Illegal gambling? Nothing.

We better get out of here. Let's go.

[Sighing]

i parked my car in that damn red zone 1,000 times,

they pick today to tow my car away.

Listen, i got my car outside here.

I'll give you a lift.

Let me help-- let me help you.

All right, dear. Just be brave.

Think lovely, simple, wonderful thoughts.

[Groans]

novocaine.

Codeine.

Demerol. Whoa!

Whiskey. Rum. Whoa!

Knock me unconscious with a mallet!

How far apart are the contractions now?

Well, let's see. They, uh, they were 3 minutes.

Uh, now they're...

about 40 minutes?

I think they've stopped, frasier.

Oh, darn, too bad. I mean, you were in such pain there for a while.

It was false labor. We made this trip for nothing.

Well, uh, why don't we wait for the doctor to confirm it?

In the meantime, you just try to stay comfortable.

How? There's no air conditioning,

i've got 50 pounds of baby flesh crushing a major artery,

and i want to go home.

Well, you know what they say. That's the first sign you're getting better.

Attagirl.

Oh, i'm sorry. I didn't mean to intrude.

Oh, no problem.

[Gasps]

[woman groans]

40 seconds.

Whoa, excuse me,

but shouldn't, uh, somebody be here with you?

Oh, no, i'm being taken care of.

The doctor comes in every few minutes

and tells me it's not that bad.

[Grunting]

well, are you all alone here?

My husband's in the merchant marines.

My parents live in michigan.

We just moved here. I don't even know anybody in boston.

Well, hell, you do now. Sam malone.

Oh. Gail aldrich. Ooh! Ooh! Oh, god!

I've never felt pain like this.

Oh! Sorry!

Oh. There's another one. They're coming closer.

Uh, shoot. Uh, frasier?

Say, uh, can you come over here and help us with that breathing stuff?

Darling, i'll be right back. In the meantime, you just try to think of good things.

[Gail screams] like what?

Well, like you're not her.

All right, now, uh, the--the important thing is to relax.

Uh, try to find a focal point. Something to concentrate on.

All right, good. Let's look for something pretty.

Well, it could be anything.

Beige walls. Something pretty.

Sam has a nice smile.

Oh. Oh, good, good, good. Sam, yes. Uh, focus on sam's smile.

Yeah. All right.

You know, sam, you-- you do have a lovely smile.

Is that-- did you have those bonded?

No, no, but i, uh, i do have 'em polished 4 times a year.

4? No, i only go twice a year. But maybe i should step it up.

[Gail gasping]

good, you're here. Listen, the contractions are one on top of another.

Ready to go, huh?

You bet i am. Oh, you probably mean her.

Ok, it's starting.

Let's get you to the delivery room. Oh, ok. Ok.

Oh, boy. Oh, it's hard to get out of this bed.

Really? I wonder where a guy like me could get one of those, huh?

Smile. Smile.

Here we go. We're with you, now. We're with you.

I'll be right back, hon. Uh, will you be all right?

Sure.

I'm just counting the tiny holes in the ceiling tiles.

Of course, now that you've interrupted me,

i'm going to have to start all over.

That's my girl.

1, 2, 3, 4--

oh, doctor, thank god. I felt so isolated here.

I guess i had false labor. I'm just so terribly embarrassed

because i'm a doctor myself and i was so sure this was the real thing.

Not to mention the fact that i was sure i'd become a mother today

and now i have to go on waiting. I need someone

to talk me through this, and please, please, tell me what to do.

False labor. Go home.

Telephoned your parents, told 'em you had a boy. They were thrilled to death.

Great. Although your father did ask twice who the hell i was.

Thanks. You were both so sweet.

Yeah, but i'm sweeter, right? Oh.

If you'll excuse me, i can't wait to share this miracle with lilith.

Ooh! Oh, well, i'd better not disturb her now.

She and the baby are resting, so, uh...

whoa!

Who is that?

Your son.

My son?

A boy?

I'm the father. I'm a-- sam, sam, i have a son!

Congratulations. It looks just exactly like me.

Oh, don't worry about that. All babies look like that at first.

May i?

Oh, look, sam, my son. Hello.

Oh, frasier, he has your eyes.

And look at that, he has--he has lilith's chin.

And he's got my nose. Oh, don't be ridiculous.

No, no. I mean, he's got my nose.

Oh.

Oh. Whoo!

Look, he's so cute. Mmm.

I could stare at him for hours.

Sam? Oh, i gotta go. Sorry.

You all set here? Yeah, just give me 2 minutes to get out of my uniform.

2 minutes, you kiddin'? I can cut that time in half.

I can't believe we have a son.

But, lilith, when did all this happen?

After the doctor discharged me,

i looked for you, couldn't find you, so i took a cab.

I gave birth in the back seat.

The cabbie was nice enough to let me bite down

on one of his foam-rubber dice.

Oh, my precious angel, you were so brave.

The only problem was that every time i pushed,

my feet kept opening the back door into traffic.

The greatest moment of my life, and i--i missed it.

You must want to kill me.

Now, frasier, now is not the time for reproaches.

Now is the time to rejoice.

The reproaches can come tomorrow

and for the next 50 years.

Is it any wonder i love you so?

Oh, look, his first smile.

Darling face, much as we would like to believe otherwise,

we both know that newborn infants are incapable

of revealing emotion through facial expression.

It's probably just gas.

(Both) oh, his first gas.

[Crickets chirping]

hey, norm.

[Sam laughs]

frasier and lilith had a boy. All right!

Yeah, i got some pictures here. You wanna see 'em? Yeah, let's see.

Hmm.

Let's see here. All right, uh, well, this is the nurse.

Nurse.

Nurse. Ooh.

Me and the nurse.

All right, now, here's one with the kid.

Where's the kid?

The fuzzy thing that nurse is bending over.

Where is everybody?

Oh, well, the party kind of got out of hand

after rebecca wrestled the 5:00 news guy to the ground

and ripped all the tape out of his camera.

What about, cliff, how's he doing?

I think they're still interrogating him downtown. Oh.

But carla went after him. Bail him out?

No, to poke things at him through the bars.

But don't worry, sammy. I've watched the bar.

I've kept very careful track of how many beers i've had.

Yeah.

I think this is, um,

2. Yeah, right.

Sammy, think you can show me how to change a keg?

So you're all alone here, huh? Well, no, not exactly.

[139th street quartet singing] ¶ wait till the sun shines, nelly ¶

¶ and the clouds go drifting by ¶

¶ we will be happy, nelly ¶

¶ don't you--

[139th street quartet exclaiming]