All language subtitles for Cheers - 806 - The Stork Brings A Crane

(Sam)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

(Woody)
look at that baby go.

Wabash cannonball.

[Train whistle blows]
yes, siree-o,

2 mail cars
serving the citizens
of this great land, woody.

Cliffie, come on, man.

I laid the track for you,
i helped you with the wiring,

when do i get to
handle the controls?

When i think
you're good and ready,
there, young man.

That's right,
mr. Peterson.

When we think
you're good and ready.

Hey, carla,
check this out.

Mr. Clavin came up
with a great idea
for this railroad

i think you're
really gonna like.

Does it involve
tyin' him to the tracks

with a stick of dynamite
in his mouth?

Oh, now, look, carla.

This baby is a great
labor-saving device.
You'll see. Now, uh...

look, why don't you just
sit right down over there

and pretend
that you're a customer.

So, what'll you have, missy?

Gee, i love role-playing.

May i have a beer, please,
mr. Bartender?

One brew,
coming right up.

Yeah, yeah.

All right, n-n-norm, now,
take heed, here.

It takes a steady hand
to man a throttle.

Yeah, but it only
takes one finger
to throw a switch.

Last stop,
everybody off.

¶ Making your way
in the world today ¶

¶ takes everything
you've got ¶

¶ taking a break
from all your worries ¶

¶ sure would help a lot

¶ wouldn't you like
to get away ¶

¶ sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna be
where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ you wanna go
where people know ¶

¶ people are all the same

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[sighing]

sam, why do i always
have to learn everything
from the newspaper?

Look at this column.

"On this day
in boston's history."

Yeah, so? I mean,
they run this column
every day.

It tells you what happened
10 years ago, 50 years ago.

What are we looking for,
last time you had sex?

[Scoffs]

no, no, no.
This only goes back
100 years.

Why are you all
so interested
in my sex life?

Well, somebody has to be.

Oh, hey, look at that.
Did you see this, rebecca?

[Scoffs]
duh.

"100 years ago today,

a new tavern opened
at 112-and-a-half
beacon street."

Oh, wait, wait.
A mailman never forgets
an address. Now...

why is 112-and-a-half
beacon street

sending a message
to my brain?

Probably because
you're sittin' on it.

Carla, i hate it
when you make those
sittin'-on-my-brain jokes.

No, no, no, no,
cliffie,

she meant
112-and-a-half
beacon street.

That's cheers' address.
You're sittin' here.

No. I was making
a cliff-sittin'-on-his-brain
joke.

See? I told you.
Thank you, carla.

The point is,
this is our centennial.

Cheers is
100 years old.

Hang on there.
I-isn't there
a sign outside that says,

"established in 1895"?

No, uh, don't pay
any attention to that.
I made that number up.

[Scoffs]

you what?

I-it was back when carla was
into that numbers stuff.

You mean the science
of numerology, sam.

You see, boss,
if you take 1-8-9-5
and you reduce it,

you come out to a 5.

Whereas 1-8-8-9
comes out to an 8.

And 5 for me is obviously
a much luckier number
than an 8.

Wait, wait, wait, now,
you have 8 children.

Exactly,
and i should've stopped at 5.

Well, anyway,
i gotta tell you,

i'm going to make the most
of this centennial thing.

I already have woody
at the library doing research,

and i think
we'll all dress
in gay '90s costumes.

What? No, no. No.

No, no, no.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

We are gonna spend
the entire week

celebrating the fabulous
100 years of cheers.

[Groaning]
those centennial things
are so dorky.

I actually think
i'll roll back the prices
to 1889 prices.

Like, beer would be
5 cents a glass.

All right, dork line forms
right behind me.

See? This is
really gonna be big.

You know, i'm gonna call
mayor flynn's office,

and see if they'll designate
cheers a landmark.

I just wish i had
an in with him.

An in? Well, uh,

i-i've been corresponding
with his honor

for, you know,
about a year now,
every week.

Just write him
little missives,

you know,
talking about the running
of our fair city.

You--you might wanna
mention my name.

Right, cliff.
And when i speak
to president bush,

i'll remember you
to him, too.

Nah, don't bother.
We're not on speaking terms.

He forgot to send me
a thank-you for the inaugural
fruitcake i sent him.

Oh, look who's here.
It's wimpy and blimpy.

Haven't popped
that kid yet, huh?

Oh, no, no, no, no.
Lilith had the baby
weeks ago.

We just decided
to put it back in
for old times' sake.

Frasier, don't snipe.
People are interested.

Oh, all right,
i'll behave.

I guess i'm just
a little overanxious

to finally see
the slimy little rat.

Frasier, the child
will be born

when the child is ready
to be born.

(Cliff)
well, enjoy your freedom,
lilith.

'Cause once you've gone
through the unspeakable
horror of childbirth

and the painful drudgery
of parenthood,

you'll spend
the rest of your life

wishing that
you'd sold the little brat
to the gypsies.

How would you know?

Ah, that's what
my ma tells me.

Aha! Mayor flynn's office
loves the idea.

He's not only gonna name
next saturday "cheers day,"

he may also come here
in person to present us
with a special plaque.

Oh, woody,

i'm glad you're back.
What'd you find out
at the library?

Oh, a bunch of stuff.

You know, like they have, uh,

story hour
every tuesday and thursday.

The fine for overdue books
is 10 cents a day,

and you can't
yell out things like,
"wow, 10 cents a day?"

Woody, i mean,
what did you find out

about the history
of this place?

Nothing much.

Really?

Just pullin' your chain!
Yank, yank!

No, no, looky here.

I got this great big
boston history book.

Near as i can figure,

this place was originally
called "mom's."

Mom's.
Heh.

You know, i bet mom was
some twinkly little old lady

and all the whalers
used to come in here and--

and--and order her
homemade apple pie.

Well, no. Actually, uh,
mom was an
"aging ex-fan dancer

"who provided free
room and board

to attractive, newly arriving
immigrant groups."

Woody, please say,
"yank, yank."

No, it says so
right here.

You know,
this actually reminds me

of a cute little old place
they had back in hanover.

Woody,
you've got the wrong idea.

Yeah, you're probably right.

The place
back in hanover
was a whorehouse.

[139th street quartet singing]
¶ in town,
we're back in town ¶

that was fantastic!

Aren't you guys
supposed to have a monkey?

All right, guys,
does this look like 1889?

Hey!

Didn't we agree
to all wear costumes?
Uh-huh.

Well, why didn't you?

Look at me,
i'm the only one.
I look like an idiot.

That's why.

People,
will you help me here?

I'm trying to create
a turn-of-the-century mood.

So am i. Sammy, here's $5.

Can i have 100 beers, please?

You know,
everything's coming out
pretty good.

The mayor's on his way,
the 5:00 news
is gonna send a camera team,

oh, and i see
my singers are here.

Yeah, thanks a lot
for them.

Now i have to put up
with barbershop all day.
I hate barbershop.

Where do you get
your hair cut, sam?

Oh.
Here. Tell 'em
sam sent you.

Sam, the quartet
is very, very important.

I want everything
to be just like it was
at the turn of the century.

¶ Wait till
the sun shines, nelly ¶

¶ and the clouds
go drifting by ¶

just knock it off,
will you?

Sam!

Oh, come on.
That kind of stuff's

been getting
on people's nerves
for 100 years.

It's time somebody
did something about it.

No offense.

Miss howe?

[Gasps]

oh, goody, goody!

It's my special guest.

Hi, everybody,
i want you to meet mr. Weaver.

Come in, mr. Weaver.

Sam, i'd like you
to meet mr. Weaver.

He's over 106 years old.

Really?
Why, you don't look it,
i guess.

I mean,
who would know, huh?

The reason mr. Weaver's
our guest of honor today

is because he used to live
in this neighborhood.

Do you get it? He was here
when cheers opened.

Big deal.
I'm always here
when cheers opens.

I mean originally.

Mr. Weaver confirmed
that there was a beer tavern
here in 1889.

This man
is a living treasure.

Hey, wait a minute.

Did you just pinch me?

Did i? Bad boy.

Hey!

Hey, mac. Pinch me again
and you won't live to 107.

¶ Wait till--
you shut up!

Lilith, i promise
i will never say another word
about inducing labor.

Thank you.
Boo!

Frasier, it's not hiccups.
You can't scare it out.

My god, lilith,
you still haven't
delivered that child yet?

No, i haven't, rebecca.

Lilith's logic is
that if she can keep
clenching long enough

we may bypass
the terrible twos.

Frasier, i'm not clenching.
The child is simply
not ready to be born.

Lilith, the child
is 2 weeks overdue.

Boy, 2 weeks overdue?

Why, you'd be out $1.40
at the library.

[Gasps]

oh, my god, it's him!
It's the mayor.

Hey, hey! It really
is the mayor. Hi!

And look,
he's got a little plaque.

Well, he's probably
too busy to brush
between meals.

No.

How do you do,
your honor?

I'm rebecca howe.
Welcome to cheers'
100th anniversary.

Please, come in.
Meet my staff.

This is sam malone.
How do.

This is woody boyd,

carla lebec, the mayor.
Pleased to meet you.

So what's with
all the potholes
on my street?

Carla.

It's all right,
i voted for him twice.

In the same election.

Um, i'm sure you're joking,
but i'll look into
those potholes for you.

Mayor, if you'd come this way,
then i think we'll have time--

uh, excuse me, mr. Mayor.
We haven't had the honor yet.

[Clearing throat]
i'm somebody who sort of
writes you about once a week.

You might remember the name.
Cliff clavin?

Clavin. Clavin.
Uh, why does that name
ring a bell?

Your honor.

Oh, my god.
He's the one. Yeah.

See if he's armed.

[Shouting]

there's got to be
a mistake here.

I mean, i'm not a fanatic.
I-i'm a member of
the u.S. Postal service.

Yep, he's the guy
all right.

What're you talking about?
You-you-you're just miffed

because you didn't get
an inaugural fruitcake
on your election.

Well, you can
hold your breath, pal,

'cause when
i get out of jail...

excuse me, your honor,
we've known cliff clavin
for a long time.

He's ok.
Yeah.

So you don't think
he could snap
and become violent?

Uh, well, "ok" might be
too strong of a word.

Your honor, i--i can
assure you that that is not
typical of our clientele here.

Most of the people
that come in here are,

well, they're professionals.

You know, i'm beginning
to wonder if you're fit
to carry my seed.

I'm beginning to wish
you'd kept it.

Aren't they fun?

Oh, oh, your honor,
wait, please.

I would like you
to meet mr. Weaver.

Mr. Weaver is
over 106 years old

and still very active.

Carla.

Would you please show
mr. Weaver our relaxing
and lovely billiards lounge?

Let's go, pops.

Put your hands in your pockets
and walk 5 feet
in front of me.

Well, now that we have
this quiet time alone,

maybe now would be
a good time for you
to present that plaque.

Absolutely, miss howe.

Ready when you are,
mr. Mayor.
Thank you, bob.

On behalf of the people
of the city of boston,

it is a great pleasure--
hey, hey, hey!

The old geezer
just keeled over
on the pool table.

Oh, boy.
Somebody get a doctor.
I'm a doctor.

Oh, really, lilith.

I suppose you'll revive him
by having a baby on him.

Would you just step on it?

There are people waiting
to use that pool table.

(Frasier)
i know it.

Just as well, seeing as
i just went into labor.

Yow!
Oh!

Whoa!
Okay.

¶ Wait till
the sun shines, nelly ¶

(all)
shut up!

(Sam)
excuse me, can i have
your attention, please?

Oh, thank god.
How are you, mr. Weaver?

He's fine.
He has something he wants
to say to everybody.

I'm sorry.
Sorry for what?

He just faked the heart attack
so girls would bend over him.

Although, personally,
i think that was
rather clever.

Darling, sam just told me.
Are you feeling
any discomfort?

Whoa!

I--i'll take that
as a yes.

I'll go pull the car around,
we'll be at the hospital
in no time.

Woody, would you help her
with her lamaze?
What's lamaze?

Oh, woody, there's no time
for that now.
All right, very briefly.

It's a psychoprophylactic
relaxation method.

It was discovered by the great
late dr. Fernand lamaze
while on a trip to russia.

It was later perfected--
holy mother of pearl!

Well, just go "hoo, hoo, hoo,
hee, hee, hee!"

I'm gonna, uh,
boil some water.

What for?

I'm gonna have some tea.
Do you want some?

How's that go, again?

(Both)
hoo, hoo, hoo.
Hee, hee, hee.

Hoo, hoo, hoo.
Hee, hee, hee.

Woody, woody, woody,
take it easy.

Don't let lilith
hyperventilate, there.

[Both puffing]

[exclaims]

good boy.

Obviously, miss howe,
things are quite hectic
around here.

I better come back
in another 100 years.

No, no, no!
It's not hectic here.
It-it's all this

faking heart attacks,
and giving birth,
and illegal gambling.

Illegal gambling?
Nothing.

We better get out of here.
Let's go.

[Sighing]

i parked my car in that
damn red zone 1,000 times,

they pick today
to tow my car away.

Listen, i got my car
outside here.

I'll give you a lift.

Let me help--
let me help you.

All right, dear.
Just be brave.

Think lovely, simple,
wonderful thoughts.

[Groans]

novocaine.

Codeine.

Demerol. Whoa!

Whiskey. Rum. Whoa!

Knock me unconscious
with a mallet!

How far apart
are the contractions now?

Well, let's see.
They, uh, they were 3 minutes.

Uh, now they're...

about 40 minutes?

I think they've stopped,
frasier.

Oh, darn, too bad. I mean,
you were in such pain
there for a while.

It was false labor.
We made this trip for nothing.

Well, uh, why don't we wait
for the doctor to confirm it?

In the meantime, you just try
to stay comfortable.

How?
There's no air conditioning,

i've got 50 pounds
of baby flesh
crushing a major artery,

and i want to go home.

Well, you know what they say.
That's the first sign
you're getting better.

Attagirl.

Oh, i'm sorry.
I didn't mean to intrude.

Oh, no problem.

[Gasps]

[woman groans]

40 seconds.

Whoa, excuse me,

but shouldn't, uh,
somebody be here with you?

Oh, no,
i'm being taken care of.

The doctor comes in
every few minutes

and tells me
it's not that bad.

[Grunting]

well, are you
all alone here?

My husband's
in the merchant marines.

My parents
live in michigan.

We just moved here.
I don't even know
anybody in boston.

Well, hell,
you do now. Sam malone.

Oh. Gail aldrich.
Ooh! Ooh! Oh, god!

I've never felt pain
like this.

Oh! Sorry!

Oh. There's another one.
They're coming closer.

Uh, shoot. Uh, frasier?

Say, uh, can you come
over here and help us
with that breathing stuff?

Darling, i'll be right back.
In the meantime, you just try
to think of good things.

[Gail screams]
like what?

Well, like you're not her.

All right, now, uh,
the--the important thing
is to relax.

Uh, try to find
a focal point.
Something to concentrate on.

All right, good.
Let's look for
something pretty.

Well, it could be anything.

Beige walls.
Something pretty.

Sam has a nice smile.

Oh. Oh, good, good, good.
Sam, yes.
Uh, focus on sam's smile.

Yeah.
All right.

You know, sam, you--
you do have a lovely smile.

Is that-- did you have
those bonded?

No, no, but i, uh,
i do have 'em polished
4 times a year.

4? No, i only go twice a year.
But maybe i should step it up.

[Gail gasping]

good, you're here.
Listen, the contractions
are one on top of another.

Ready to go, huh?

You bet i am.
Oh, you probably mean her.

Ok, it's starting.

Let's get you
to the delivery room.
Oh, ok. Ok.

Oh, boy. Oh, it's hard
to get out of this bed.

Really? I wonder where
a guy like me could get
one of those, huh?

Smile. Smile.

Here we go.
We're with you, now.
We're with you.

I'll be right back, hon.
Uh, will you be all right?

Sure.

I'm just counting
the tiny holes
in the ceiling tiles.

Of course, now that
you've interrupted me,

i'm going to have to
start all over.

That's my girl.

1, 2, 3, 4--

oh, doctor, thank god.
I felt so isolated here.

I guess i had false labor.
I'm just so
terribly embarrassed

because i'm a doctor myself
and i was so sure
this was the real thing.

Not to mention the fact
that i was sure
i'd become a mother today

and now i have
to go on waiting.
I need someone

to talk me through this,
and please, please,
tell me what to do.

False labor. Go home.

Telephoned your parents,
told 'em you had a boy.
They were thrilled to death.

Great.
Although your father did
ask twice who the hell i was.

Thanks. You were both
so sweet.

Yeah, but i'm sweeter,
right?
Oh.

If you'll excuse me,
i can't wait to share
this miracle with lilith.

Ooh! Oh, well, i'd better
not disturb her now.

She and the baby
are resting, so, uh...

whoa!

Who is that?

Your son.

My son?

A boy?

I'm the father. I'm a--
sam, sam, i have a son!

Congratulations.
It looks just
exactly like me.

Oh, don't worry about that.
All babies look like that
at first.

May i?

Oh, look, sam, my son.
Hello.

Oh, frasier,
he has your eyes.

And look at that,
he has--he has
lilith's chin.

And he's got my nose.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.

No, no. I mean,
he's got my nose.

Oh.

Oh. Whoo!

Look, he's so cute.
Mmm.

I could stare at him
for hours.

Sam?
Oh, i gotta go. Sorry.

You all set here?
Yeah, just give me 2 minutes
to get out of my uniform.

2 minutes, you kiddin'?
I can cut that time in half.

I can't believe
we have a son.

But, lilith, when did
all this happen?

After the doctor
discharged me,

i looked for you,
couldn't find you,
so i took a cab.

I gave birth
in the back seat.

The cabbie was nice enough
to let me bite down

on one of his
foam-rubber dice.

Oh, my precious angel,
you were so brave.

The only problem was
that every time i pushed,

my feet kept opening
the back door into traffic.

The greatest moment
of my life,
and i--i missed it.

You must
want to kill me.

Now, frasier, now is not
the time for reproaches.

Now is the time to rejoice.

The reproaches
can come tomorrow

and for the next 50 years.

Is it any wonder
i love you so?

Oh, look,
his first smile.

Darling face,
much as we would like
to believe otherwise,

we both know
that newborn infants
are incapable

of revealing emotion
through facial expression.

It's probably just gas.

(Both)
oh, his first gas.

[Crickets chirping]

hey, norm.

[Sam laughs]

frasier and lilith had a boy.
All right!

Yeah, i got some pictures
here. You wanna see 'em?
Yeah, let's see.

Hmm.

Let's see here. All right,
uh, well, this is the nurse.

Nurse.

Nurse.
Ooh.

Me and the nurse.

All right, now,
here's one with the kid.

Where's the kid?

The fuzzy thing
that nurse is bending over.

Where is everybody?

Oh, well, the party kind of
got out of hand

after rebecca wrestled
the 5:00 news guy
to the ground

and ripped all the tape
out of his camera.

What about, cliff,
how's he doing?

I think they're still
interrogating him downtown.
Oh.

But carla went after him.
Bail him out?

No, to poke things at him
through the bars.

But don't worry, sammy.
I've watched the bar.

I've kept very careful track
of how many beers i've had.

Yeah.

I think this is, um,

2.
Yeah, right.

Sammy, think you can show me
how to change a keg?

So you're
all alone here, huh?
Well, no, not exactly.

[139th street quartet singing]
¶ wait till the sun shines,
nelly ¶

¶ and the clouds
go drifting by ¶

¶ we will be happy,
nelly ¶

¶ don't you--

[139th street quartet
exclaiming]