All language subtitles for Cheers - 805 - The Two Faces Of Norm

(Male narrator)
cheers is filmed before
a live studio audience.

Hi, everybody.
Sorry i'm late.

I was at another
business seminar.

This one was all about
accentuating the positive

and all you can accomplish
by focusing on the good
instead of the bad.

Yeah, how was it?
The worst.

But, you know,
i like the idea

of positive reinforcement
in the workplace.

So i'm gonna
give it a shot.

Man, you've gotta be
a real moron
to buy that load of crap.

Way to speak out,
carla.

Oh! Way to pour
that beer, woody!

Way to run up
that tab, norm.

Way to--

i, uh-- i got
a new haircut.

No.

My, uh, thumbnail
grew back.

No.

But just give me
a little time.

[Stammering]
wait! I think i got it.

Nah, everybody's
got a pulse.

Way to make a dork
out of yourself, clavin.

Way to nail him,
carla!

¶ Sometimes you want to go

¶ where everybody
knows your name ¶

¶ and they're always
glad you came ¶

¶ you wanna be
where you can see ¶

¶ our troubles
are all the same ¶

¶ you wanna go
where everybody
knows your name ¶

[people chattering]

is, uh, sam malone here?

Uh, he'll be back in a minute.
Can i give him a message?

Well, i want
let him know right away,

i got his test results back.
I'm afraid he has

a serious blockage.

Oh, my god, his heart?

No, his fuel line.
I'm sam's mechanic.

Oh, my god.
It's the corvette.

Why couldn't
it have been his heart?

Hi, guys.

Hey, gordo,
can i buy you a beer?

Uh, sam.

At the rate that
i'm saving the bucks,

cheers is gonna be mine again
in a few short months.

And when i'm
runnin' this place,

things are
gonna be different.

How?

I'll be runnin' the place.

So, you really been
socking it away,
huh, sam?

Yeah, yeah.
I wish i had a nickel
for every dollar i've saved.

Just this week

by, uh, skipping lunches,
workin' overtime,

and having
sex-only dates,

i've managed to save
over $200.

Oh,

this means,
you only owe me $130.

W-what?
My retainer's all gone?

Well, i can't be
too mad at the guy.

He gave me
a radiator flush
for my birthday.

Sam, you're never
gonna buy the bar
back at this rate.

What can i do?

I'm tapped out by the time
i pay for gas,

and tune-ups,

and philipe
the chamois boy.

Why don't you sell the car?

[All gasping]

it's just a car.

[Gasping]

[chuckling]
honey...

let me explain
something to you here.

We're not talkin'
about just a car.

We're talkin' about
sammy's vette.

The stud-mobile,
the babe-catcher.

You're right,
you're right.

I mean,
where would sam be

without his crutch?

You know,
all those years,

those women weren't
making love to you.

They were making love
to your car.

No, that's where
you're wrong.

They were making love
in my car.

Really?
Come on.

Girls don't go out with me
just because of my car.

That's right.
All the women in boston

are just lining up
to go out
with sam malone

and his bus pass.

What do you mean?
No, forget you.

I don't need that car
to catch babes.

I could sell that car today
if i wanted to.

In fact, if i did,
i'd have a down payment
on--on cheers, here.

And pretty soon,
i'd have a roomful of babes.

And where there are babes,
there are guys buying drinks.

Before you know it,
i'd be rollin' in dough.

Pretty soon
i might even be able
to afford a corvette.

That's it.
I'm selling the sucker.

Afternoon, everybody.

(All)
norm!

Hey, mr. Peterson.
Got room for beer?

No, but i am willing
to add on.

(Cliff)
so, hey, uh, normie,

so, how's business goin'?

Lousy, cliffie.

I'm so damn busy painting,

i haven't had time
to stop in here

and visit with my best friend.

I missed you, too,
you big lug.

Well, actually, cliffie,
i meant mr. Beer.

So, the painting business
is that good, huh?

Too good, woody.

Like today i had
to choose between
2 really great jobs.

Couldn't make up my mind.

So what did you do?

Ah, skipped them both.
Came in here.

I think i made
the right choice.

Why don't you just
hire someone to help you?

Right, norm.
Hire an assistant.

Yeah?
Look here. All right.

If you double
your work force,

and you divide
total man hours in half,

that equals a 50%
work reduction for you,

and profits will go up
proportionately.

[Whooping]
good idea, woody.

Yeah, good one, woodman.

Thanks, guys.

What about my part?

What part was that?

The part where i took
woody's vague, inane

seed of an idea,
and made it blossom.
Remember?

Oh, shame on you, rebecca.

Trying to bump woody
out of the spotlight.

All woody did was
say "get help."

I'm the one
that made it work.

Oh, if you say so.

I did say so.

I don't know,
woody.

I mean, uh,

how would
i even get started?

W-w-where can i find
somebody with
the appropriate skills?

Look, if you really
need some help,

i could sure use the work.

I don't know, pal.

I never hired anybody
before, you know.

Feel kind of weird about it.

I wouldn't even know
what to ask you.

Well, while you're
thinking about it,
can i buy you a beer?

Welcome aboard.

[Sighing]

oh, there you are.

I did it.

I put the corvette
in the paper.

Pretty snappy, huh?

"For sale: corvette.
Meet chicks."

I like that.

Hey, norm,
i hear business is good.

Yeah, i guess.

You guess?

Word is
you hired 3 new people,

and you're shuttling
between 2 jobs.

Just goes to show you
what good business advice is

when it comes
from a professional.

Rebecca's still
trying to take credit
for woody's idea, huh?

It was my idea.

Oh, sure, it was,
miss howe.

You thought it up
all by yourself.

You were saying, norm?

Well, i--i just can't
get used to

bossing people around,
you know?

Can't seem to make
my workers do the things
they're supposed to.

Like increase
their productivity,

exceed their goals,

show up.

You're not letting
your employees

take advantage of you,
are you?

Yeah, maybe a little bit.
I mean,

yesterday afternoon,

the guys decide
to knock off early,
and just go bowling.

[Sighing]
so what'd you do?

I broke 200.

Hey, all right!

Thank you.
Personal high.
It was great.

Oh, mr. P.

[Clicking tongue]

that's very
irresponsible, norm.

As the boss, you have
to show these people
an example.

Yeah, i guess
you're right, woody.

But i--i cannot be

one of these
hard-nosed bosses, ok?

I mean, i've had
bosses like that.
I hate those guys.

Being in charge is not
a popularity contest.

(Rebecca)
you are not in business
to get people to like you.

Now, i don't get
why you would care
what your employees think.

I don't care.
Obviously not.

What is that
supposed to mean?

Nothing.
No.

You already said it.
Don't just leave me dangling.

I mean, i do have feelings,
for god's sake.

I'm sorry. We like you.

Really? Thank you.

Yeah, it's not like
i'm a total washout
as a boss.

I mean,
yesterday afternoon,
for example,

after we, uh,
went bowling,

i really laid down the law
with my guys.

I said if we're
gonna get anywhere
as a company,

we've gotta
really buckle down.

But, uh,

i think i may have
to lean on them
a little bit harder.

How come?
That's them coming out
of the pool room.

Norm! Hey, guys,
look who it is.

Hey!

How's it goin',
mr. 200?
Hey, come on, come on.

Hey, get these guys
a drink.

Hey, hey, norm,
we're gonna go
watch the secretaries

walk out
of the prudential building.

Wanna come? It's windy.

All right!

[All chattering]
we've got norm.
Let's go.

Hey, whoa,
whoa, fellas.

Shouldn't we be over
at shannon's, you know,
painting?

I don't wanna be
a slave driver
or anything.

But, uh, i thought
maybe we'd

get on that 2nd coat
today, huh?

[Laughing]

no, no. I mean,
we did get
the first coat,

didn't we?

[Rudy laughing]

damn!

I cannot believe
those guys are goin' off

to the prudential building
right now.

They're really a bunch
of goof-offs, aren't they?

I'll tell you, man,
everybody knows
the hancock building

is pantyhose heaven.
The wind whips up...

is there a sam malone here?

Yeah, speaking.

I'm dennis hammill.
I'm here about the corvette.

Great. Dennis,
have a seat right there.

I can't wait to see it.

Whoa, slow down there.
Slow down.

First we have to learn
a little bit about you
here, dennis.

About me?
Yeah.

Yeah, you see,

matching a corvette
with the right owner, dennis,

is kind of like

findin' a home
for an animal.

Except an animal's
just an animal,

and we're talkin'
about a corvette.

Ok, but i'm kind of
pressed for time.

I've gotta get
to my hair stylist.
Good. Good.

Oh, yeah, very good,
very good.

Hair stylist.
All right.

All right, this will be
pretty simple here.

Just a few, uh,
multiple-choice questions.

Great. Shoot.

Number one:

it's high noon.

You're driving
in harvard square.

Parking's limited.

Do you,
a: park in a handicapped zone,

b: park in a regular spot
under a tree,

c: drive around
till a space opens up?

"C."
What, are you nuts?

Can't believe it, man!
It's a trick question.

You don't drive this baby
at high noon, man!

Sun damage, bucko!

What the hell's
wrong with you?

What do you want to do?
Oxidize the paint?

Get out of here!
You make me sick!
Can't believe it.

He wants to drive
my car, at high noon,
in harvard square.

Damn!
It's still busy.

How can those guys
be on the phone all day?

They're supposed
to be painting.

You know, in the future, uh,
telephones will be obsolete.

Yeah?
Yeah, absolutely right.

See, people will communicate
telekinetically

using part of their brain
known as the cerebral cortex

that, uh,
is heretofore untapped.

May i?
Yeah.

Been tapped now.

[Phone ringing]

cheers.

Oh, yeah. For you.

Hello.

Rudy, rudy. Yes.

I've been trying to get ahold
of you all afternoon.

Look, man, i got--

you're kidding.

Well, that's great!

Hey, you guys!

My crew
just won great seats
for the patriots game.

They've been
on the phone all afternoon
with the w.G.A.Z.

Hey, that's fantastic,
ruds.

Uh, listen, rudy, man,
uh, not to, uh,

randomly change topics,
or anything, but, uh,

you guys get
any work done today?

[People chattering]

uh-huh.

Yeah, well, you know,
i suppose that area
by the phone

needed about
8 or 9 coats.

Yeah, just keep it up.

Ah, i should have never
listened to rebecca.

Let's face it, man.

I am incapable
of bossing anybody around.

I wish i could
hire somebody else
to be the damn tough guy.

No, no. I mean,
your situation
puts me in mind

of a wonderful play
by bertolt brecht.
Yeah?

Yes. It's about
a poor put-upon woman

who, similar to you,
is having trouble
dealing with the people

that are taking
advantage of her.
Oh, what'd she do?

Well, she developed
an entirely new
and different personality

to handle these people.

It's set in the orient.
It's called

the good woman of setzuan.

Mmm. Sounds good.

Oh, yes,
it's one of
brecht's masterpieces.

No, i mean,
chinese food.

I know a great place.
Phone book, woody?

I don't know why i try
to have an intellectual
conversation

with the 2 of you.
All you ever think about is...

say, how's their
kung pao shrimp?

Norm, wait a minute.
What?

Before you order,
i think you should get
your business in order.

Now it's important,
that you straighten
out this employee deal

before it goes any further.

Don't you think, woody?

Well, if you say so,
woody.

I'll call the guys back.

This bertolt brecht,
did he write any plays
about rib joints?

Hi, rudy, rudy,
hi, it's norm.

Listen, i'm afraid
i have some bad news

about your, uh,
patriots game plans
this weekend.

Uh, i think you guys
are going to have
to kind of work.

No, no, no, no.
Relax. It's not me.

It's my new
business partner.

That's good, good.
Now give the guy a name.
Make it authentic.

Uh, it's this guy,
mr. Kreitzer.

He has this crazy idea,
man, that you guys should,
i don't know, paint.

What?

He wants
to talk to kreitzer.

Help, frasier.
No, no, no.
You dug the hole.

Woody. Come on,
you're an actor.

Be kreitzer, come on.

All right.
Uh, where am i from?

Uh, pittsburgh.
Ok. Now...

did i come
from a happy childhood, or...

and why am i on the phone
at this point in my life?

Oh, come on.
Give me the phone.

Forget it, forget it,
forget it.

All right,
this is kreitzer.

Now listen up,
you bunch of gutless,

sniveling little wimps!

I don't care
what peterson said!

That lowlife does not
lay down the rules!

Hey, hey. Any more
lip out of you

and i'll rip your face off,

and stick it up
your lunch bucket!

[People chattering]

that was kind of fun.

I think maybe
i ought to call vera, huh?
What do you say?

Hey, where is sam?

He'll be right back.
He just, uh,

sold his vette,
and he's pickin' up
his new car.

Oh, yeah,
what did he get?
The turbo "z"?

Trans am?

A volare.

Oh, poor sam.

Yeah. He just called
from the used car circus.

It must have been
the ringmaster's special.

Anyways, he was really
a little depressed about it,

so maybe we just shouldn't
mention it, all right.

Oh, yeah.

Hi, guys.

(All)
¶ volare

¶ oh, oh

hey, hey, listen.

You got something
to say to me, just say it.

(All)
¶ cantare

¶ oh, oh, oh, oh

rudy, rudy, hey, rudy.
Just relax, ok?

I'll tell you what.

Go ahead.
Take a 5-minute break
for lunch.

For god's sake,
you're hungry,
we all have to eat.

We're only human.

But i'll tell you what,

if kreitzer asks,
i did not say any of this.

Oh, i must say,

this kreitzer stuff
is going very, very well.

I told the guys they
gotta work a few
extra nights next week,

they didn't even say boo.

I love being kreitzer.

I don't have to paint anymore,
right? Business is booming.

I've hired a secretary.
I've rented us offices.

Norm, when you say us...

yeah.
Who do you mean?

Well, me and kreitzer.

When you say kreitzer,
who do you mean?

Me.

When you say me...

[chuckling]
no, frasier,

don't worry about it.
I'm not going crazy.

It's just a front. You see,

my--my office door actually
leads into an office.

But kreitzer's door
opens out to the back alley

where they keep
the garbage.

Yeah,
well, both offices are
furnished about the same.

Hey, normie,
how did you think up
that name kreitzer?

You know,
i've been meaning
to ask the same thing.

What was he,
a bully back in school?

A sadistic c.O.
Back in the coast guard?

Authority figure
who used to torment you?

No, no, no, no.
It's vera's maiden name.

Sam, is what i heard true?

Did you get a new ferrari?

No, volare.

Ooh.

Hey, sammy is still sammy.
Babes are still babes.

And i don't need a fancy car
to catch them.

As a matter of fact,
when i was pullin' up here,

there were
a couple of twins

who couldn't take
their eyes off of me.

Uh, fellas, twins ahoy.

Hello, lovely ladies.
Can i help you?

Are you the man
we just saw

getting out of
a volare out front?

A little passion
beige number?

Could be, could be.

My god, it was him!

And he admitted it!

I wonder
who your corvette's
dating tonight.

I gotta get my car back.

Hey, norm!
Rudy!

Hey, norm, we gotta
talk to kreitzer.

Now, we ain't takin'
his crap anymore.

Well, what's the matter,
fellas?

Oh, man,
it's everything.

We had to give up
those football tickets.

We have to
work weekends.

Now he wants us
to work nights, too.

I'll tell you
something else.

The thing we hate most
is the way he's treatin' you.

Fellas, look,
i'll tell you what i'll do.

Uh, i'll give the guy
a call, ok.

And i'll see
if i can get him
to ease up

on the hours a little bit.
It's all i can do.

Yeah, ok. Thanks, norm.

You know, 'cause
i'll tell you something,

just because
we're out there

standing in that hot sun
all day,

breathin' turpentine fumes,
you know,
that doesn't mean that we...

[people chattering]

sheesh! Forgot
what i was gonna say.

Heck! It doesn't matter.

Well, see you later,
norm.

Ok, come on,
let's go.

(Frasier)
you know, norm,
you might bear in mind

that you can be
pushing these guys
a bit too far.

Come on, frasier, the key
to being a good executive

is knowing when to be firm
and when to be fair.

Uh, norm?
Yeah?

Look, the guys and i decided
you don't have a spine,

so we're just gonna
to kreitzer's office
and bash his skull in.

I'm dead.
I'm absolutely dead.

I think
there's a little lesson
to be learned here.

You've allowed the evil side
of your nature to rise up,

and now it threatens
to destroy everything
you've built.

Let it go no farther.

Time has come to reject
your darker self.

Well, thank you,
obi-wan kenobi.

All right, that's it.

I just got to go over there
and dump kreitzer altogether.

I just hope i can beat
those guys over there.

Um, my volare's right outside.
I'll give you a lift.

I love you, sammy.

Congratulations, sam.
I see you finally got
yourself a date.

I got to get my car back.

Thank god. Sammy,
you made great time.

Whoa. Yeah, it's amazing
how fast you can go

when you don't give
a damn what happens
to your car.

Doris.
Hi.

Doris, hi.

Anybody been here
to see mr. Kreitzer?

Oh, no.

Mr. Kreitzer's left me
very specific instructions.

He is not to be disturbed
under any circumstances.

[Chuckling]
great.

Mr. Kreitzer's very demanding.

Doris, honey. Hasn't it
ever, uh, struck you

that you've never
seen the man?

All i know is,

this is the best job
i've ever had.

I mean, sure mr. Kreitzer
chews me out on the phone
now and then,

but i deserve it.

Actually, i was hoping
you were mr. Kreitzer.

Actually, uh, doris,
i'm doing a little
research here.

As a woman, would
you ever consider going out

with someone
who drives a volare?

Are you kidding?

I drive one myself.

It used to be my mother's.

I gotta get my car back.

Whoa, whoa!
All right,
where is he?

Yeah. Where's kreitzer?
Calm down, fellas.

Yeah. Just let me get
a couple of minutes
with him. Ok? I'm sure

he'll listen to reason. Ok?
He'll listen to reason

after i kill him
a few times.

Mr. Kreitzer's given me
very specific instructions.

He's not to be disturbed
under any circumstances.

Right, doris. I take
full responsibility, ok?

But i have
some instructions.

Just give me
2 minutes with him,
ok. He will be mine.

I'm--i'm so
very sorry, sir!

Peterson, you clumsy ox!

You just kicked over
a macintosh-8000 c.X.!

(Norm)
look, i'm really sorry, sir.

Sir, we have a big
problem on our hands.

The crew is just
ready to revolt, sir.

And i'm telling you,
i don't like the way
you abuse my guys

with personal insults.

Your butt's too big!

Now, sir, that is
just the kind of stuff
i'm talkin' about, ok.

(Norm)
all right, sir,

i'm gonna have to quit
and i'm taking my crew
with me.

Peterson, you can't do that!

Oh, don't beg, anton.
It doesn't become you.

[Sighing]

way to go, norm.

All right, fellas.

Jeez, norm, you had
no right to do that.
What?

Now you've really upset him.

What are you talking about?
We don't need him.

You can work for me.
Norm, look.

No offense.
You're a nice guy,

but you're not
boss material.

Hey, everybody knows
mr. Kreitzer

was the brains
behind everything.

Can you call him later
and tell him we had
nothing to do with this?

Don't worry. I'll make sure
he gets a message.

Fellas, come back here!
Wait a minute!

Hey. All right, fine!

Go ahead! Who needs you?

[Sighing]

thank you, doris.

Sammy.
Yeah?

Think my butt's too big?
No.

Hello.
This is anton kreitzer!

I'm calling about
the corvette you bought

from a mr. Sam malone!

Yeah, well,
give it back right now!

No, no, no.
Come on, no, no.

Don't hang up,
don't hang up. Please.

It's not kreitzer,
it's sam.

I want my car back.
Please? Listen, i...

i'm having seller's remorse.

Uh, i-- listen,
i'll tell you what.

Uh--uh, i'll pay you $500 more
than you bought it for.

All right. Wait, wait, wait.

I'll pay you $1,000 more
than you bought it for.

Excuse me, sam.

Can you hold on
just a second, please?

As a trained psychiatrist,

and well-versed in the art
of human persuasion,

i think i can handle this
for you.

Lilith, damn it! Give sam
his car back immediately!

There.

I've been getting tired
of those speeding tickets.

Hey, ruds!

Look, i gotta talk
to you a minute.

Hey, i knew you guys
wouldn't let me down.
What do you say?

You ready,
to get back to work?
Just slow down a second.

What?

All right, look.

A couple of hours
after you left,
i went back to the office.

Now, i think you know
what i found.

Oh, yeah, well,
that, uh, see i can--

then, i finally started
piecin' it together.

Why i never saw
a norm peterson
and mr. Kreitzer

in the same room,
at the same time,

or why you happened
to be in the office
when we got there.

This whole thing
was a masquerade,
wasn't it?

Yeah.

I can't believe
we fell for it!

You know, all this time
we thought you were
just a sweet,

beer-guzzling lug
named norm peterson.

Well, the jig is up,
kreitzer!
What?

Oh, man. That's pretty slick,
pretending to be a nice guy

so you could spy on us.

Wait a second, man.
You go it all wrong.

Save it for the stage,
anton!

Man, this is reality!

All--all--all right,
i am kreitzer!

Do you wanna
go back to work for me?

Yeah, man. I'd love
working for a psycho.

God, man, you're pathetic.

Wait, wait a minute.
Rudy, rudy, rudy.

Come on, now.
I'm not kreitzer,
i'm norm peterson.

I swear to god.
I can prove it to you.
Watch this.

Uh, afternoon, everyone.

(All)
anton!