Original subtitles

You mean there aren't gonna be

any men at the party?

What are you gonna do for laughs?

It's my girlfriend's engagement party.

Ah, besides, I don't think men would enjoy it.

We're meeting at a club for ladies only.

'Oh, you mean thatclub.'

Bonnie, do you know what they do there?

'Give me that bag!'

Do you see what I see?

I'm afraid I do.

- Whatever they say, uh, want.

Stop! Get off there!

Okay! Go on!

Have your party at Chippendales.

And if you don't know why they call

that club "For ladies only"

Ask Jon and Ponch, they'll tell ya.

Why? Because its striptease dancers are men?

Big deal, Grossie.

Welcome to the 1980s.

Anything else on your mind?

No, that's all I had. Uh, you?

Oh, I'm finished.

You can go.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Jon! Ponch!

Robbers! Robbers!

Catch 'em, they robbed the bank!

- Bonnie, take my helmet. - Okay.

Take mine. Call animal regulations.

And, uh, be firm.

Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop!

Catch 'em, they robbed the bank.

Come on, boys!

'Come on!'

You, uh, gonna jump?

No.

Those monkeys knew it.

Keep an eye on him for me, will ya?

You didn't get the license to the pickup truck?

Too far away.

So all you've really got is a barrel of monkeys.

The Bonzo Gang. Masters of disguise.

Look, if you two have nothing to contribute..

I have.

Case closed.

I have the bank robber, self-confessed.

'Manny Herzog.'

Wants to see the sergeant.

Oh-h.

Not again.

Thank you.

Mr. Herzog.

I trust the bank job went easier

than the payroll heist you confessed to last week.

Ah, I'm a dual personality, sergeant.

Half of me is a real disgrace.

Uh, where'd you put the money this time?

I-I paid some bills.

Show me the receipts.

I paid by mail.

You heard about the caper on the radio, Manny.

It's on the radio already?

Did you use a weapon?

Yeah. A-a gun.

I threw it down the sewer.

- 'I hate guns.' - No guns were used, Manny.

I-I meant the knife.

No knife, either. No persons.

I was hiding.

What about the animals?

A

Three dogs.

Two dogs

three monkeys.

I got mixed up.

Um, I don't have time for this.

- I-I did it. - Let's go, Manny.

See you later, Manny.

If you're gonna confess to every major robbery

in town, at least get the details straight.

Make it interesting for us.

You shouldn't be making fun of me.

I'm a dangerous person.

No!

Sweetheart.

Sweetheart, it's alright.

It's alright. I'm here.

Don't touch me.

You were only dreaming, sweetheart.

Glad I was here when you woke up.

Go away.

And leave me alone.

I spoke to Dr. Johnson

and he's really confident.

He says that your face is finished

and he'll be able to do your shoulder

in a month or so.

No.

I've had four operations in one year

and I can't take any more.

Sweetheart..

...he's the best cosmetic surgeon money can buy.

If he says the shoulder is simple

you can take that to the bank.

If I could take anything to the bank

I wouldn't be letting you pay for this.

How do you like the room?

I was doing fine in a four-bed ward.

Well, you deserve the best..

...and you'll get it as long as I'm around.

I've asked you not to be around.

But I guess you've bought the right

to not worry about what I want.

I don't wanna buy.

I just wanna see you whole and..

...and happy again.

I know that you don't like it

when I tell you how much I love you.

Then why did you let that lion attack me?

What you're saying is that..

...I wanted it to happen

and I let it happen.

If that's what you think..

...there's no way in the world

you'll ever forgive me.

Even if I get down on my knees.

Don't bother.

My love..

...I'll stand by you.

I'll stand by you

till the end of my days.

Don't bother. Don't bother.

Bonnie said she'd call if she could make it.

No, Paige said she called.

She'll be here.

Wait a minute.

What's going on here?

Oh, no! It's a bust!

Ladies, stay calm. Stay seated, please. Oh!

This is Officer Richard.

Our hot cop, today.

'Well, what do you want him to do?'

Take it off!

And here he goes!

And here goes the shirt!

Whoop! Whoop!

No, no, no! No coming out on the dance floor!

Come on, ladies, please, please!

Oh, Bonnie, where are you?

This is the part I didn't want her to miss.

Hi.

Thank you.

What do you want him to do?

Take it off!

And here go the pants!

'Officer Richards--'

- Oh, hi.

Do you know where the Blake party is?

- Yeah, sure. Just follow me. - Okay.

'No touching, now.'

'Just five more seconds.'

'Let's hear it for Officer Richard!'

Our next guy, this guy is incredible.

You're gonna love him.

Bonnie, you missed him.

He was simply terrific!

Did you get to see him at all?

The guy we met at your

beach party, Bonnie.

Oh, wow.

This guy is really a dream.

'Alright! Terrific!'

'Are you ready for another dancer?'

Hey, Bon Bon, you wanted to show me something.

Oh, yeah, the reason for my ladies

only party last night.

My girlfriends have been there before.

I picked you up a couple souvenirs.

'Holy mackerel.'

Who is this guy?

He's the club's new stripper sensation.

Ponch, I swear as well as I know you

I had to look twice.

Well, everybody knows I wouldn't do a thing like this.

Hmm. That's what I said to Sharon and Cynthia and Claudine.

Do you remember them? They were at my beach party?

Mm-hmm.

Well, I said, "Oh, Ponch

he'd never do that."

And they said, "Hah."

I just thought you ought to know.

Well, thanks for telling me.

Oh, hey, Bon Bon.

Hmm?

Can he really dance?

Well, I didn't really see the act

but, uh, I hear he was terrific.

Yeah?

Good.

Yeah, that's beautiful, baby.

You're the greatest.

You just do that tomorrow..

...we'll be home free before they even know what hit 'em.

I'm sorry, officer.

I guess I was in too much of a hurry.

You were doing almost 60, the speed limit is--

Hey!

You're the cop at the club.

Wow.

'You really are a cop.'

Excuse me for a minute, please.

10-4, LA.

Will you handle this for me?

She saw me at the club.

I mean, not me..

...but she just giggles.

You mention that guy to Getraer?

Ten to one somebody has.

Thanks.

'Units in the vicinity'

'of Alvarado and Garcide.'

'A 47 just occurred.'

'Garcide market.'

'Suspect is a large bird.'

'Falcon or a hawk.'

What?

'A large bird.'

'A falcon or a hawk.'

Monkeys, dogs..

A hawk?

There!

LA 15-Mary-3 we have a visual on a suspicious hawk.

Try to see where it goes.

'10-4, Mary-3.'

There he goes.

Hey, Ponch.

Ponch, you okay?

I tore my shirt.

Come on out.

Swear you won't tell Getraer about this?

Yeah, I swear.

Okay, animal regulations can't come up with a trainer.

That covers the zoo

animal parks

'movie business.'

What else is there?

Nightclub act?

Maybe an out of work circus act

or a unregistered amateur.

Alright!

How come Bonnie isn't in on this little joke?

Oh, come on. Don't jump on Bonnie's case.

That club had more ladies only than anybody realized.

Including some of the wives from around here.

Yeah, and a couple of the clerks.

Other than that, your secret's safe.

Well, okay. I'm gonna..

See? They even got me uptight about taking my own shirt off.

And a one and a two and a..

Remember, I want to see the sergeant.

Hey, Frank.

I clipped this article

from our neighborhood paper this morning.

Uh, "Word is that the well known

"ladies only nightclub

"is grossing ten grand a night.

Is it because of the hunky dancer--"

Hunky?

Ooh. Alright.

"Dancer currently appearing?

"Is he a real highway patrolman moonlighting?

And we do mean moon."

Oh, it's funny.

But it's not that funny.

See what you can do, huh?

Um, look who insists on seeing you.

How'd you like my Falcon caper?

It wasn't a Falcon, Manny.

- It was a hawk. - Yeah, right.

I seen all your birds.

- Mm-hmm. - I trained it.

'The monkeys, too.'

Uh, what do you feed your hawk?

Hawk food.

Was it a goshawk

or a big merganser?

Merganser.

'Very big.'

Better luck next time, Manny.

A merganser's a duck.

What do you know about turkeys?

Come on, Manny.

Come on.

Wave 'em, ladies, wave 'em.

'Remember the dancer dances'

'where the tips are.'

Shall he take off the camisa?

Yeah!

'There goes the camisa.'

'Get a load of the build on this here ranchero.'

Whoa. Wave 'em. Wave 'em.

Let him know where they're at.

Tell the boss Officer Poncherello.

Excuse me.

Wave 'em, ladies, now what do you want him to do?

Take it off!

You're the manager here?

Yeah, and you're Alan.

Oh, I know you're not him.

What a resemblance.

What a trip.

It's getting to be embarrassing.

Why? You're gorgeous.

I'm Nita Baldero.

Ponch.

What did I tell you?

I knew Bonnie was covering up.

See what I mean?

Scott. Ladies, your table's waiting.

Why don't we go to my office?

I'm so glad we came back.

He's not doing anything wrong

as long as he confines it to the stage.

But I would like to talk to the guy.

Well, I let him off last night on personal business

and he hasn't shown up tonight.

But I'll give you his name. Alan Richardson.

And I'll give you his address and, uh, phone number.

I surely don't want any trouble for the club.

Or him...or you.

I think it could be worked out.

I appreciate your cooperation.

Oh, by the way

you know the nightclub business

ever hire any animal acts?

If you mean sub-human, no.

But if you'd care to watch some of my dancers..

Thank you.

Bye.

Did you tell Nita Baldero

that the address she gave you

turned out to be a vacant lot?

Yeah. She was really surprised.

The telephone number is right though

at least for an answering service.

Well, don't hold your breath till he calls you.

'Well, thank you very much'

'for your help.'

Okay. I checked all the guilds about our monkey man.

There's no one in this area anymore

who works with animals of those descriptions

but there are three former circus acts that might fit.

Check the names through DMV.

You got it, sarge.

"The Joe Clair Animal Fair

"Poole's Pets

and the Martin Menagerie."

Anything familiar?

Not to me.

Eileen...I'm gonna have to send you back

to your room in a wheelchair

but that's only because of hospital rules

and only after you look at this.

Eileen.

Hi.

Nurse.

Get off the bike. Hands on your head.

Hands on the hood.

Alright, turn around. Take your helmet off.

I'm sorry.

Me and Beau was just having fun.

'I thought I could outrun you guys.'

I forgot you could radio each other.

'He has a wire from a circus troupe offering'

'a job in Denver, he and the dog do an act.'

A bank book and a withdrawal slip for 300 bucks.

Has to pay his own way to Denver..

...and be there by Friday or else he loses the job.

So, uh, you want to hit him easy, right?

Well, sarge, we're sure he's not our man.

Well, cite him for evading and let him go.

- Yeah.

A, there's a possibility of false arrest

because B, there was no robbery committed.

And C, if it doesn't make the news

Manny Herzog won't be in here confessing that he did it.

I should have stopped.

I was stupid.

I never did a thing like that before.

I was so happy that I got a job

I just felt like letting it out.

What about the danger to the dog?

Oh, Beau rides with me everywhere.

And the audiences love him.

He's a ham.

He's been working circuses with his dog

for the last five or six years.

I asked him about the names

'and our list of animal acts.'

Lou Poole. Yeah.

Tell him the story.

Well, I only met the guy once.

He had animals working together

that usually really hate each other.

Dogs, big cats, monkeys, birds.

The guy was great.

Then it seems like one of his big cats

a lion, I think..

Oh, they scare the heck out of me.

Anyway, it went wild

and tore up this girl he had in the act.

She lived, but Poole I don't know.

I never heard of him since.

What's her name

Uh, no.

But it was in the papers about a year ago.

Right here in town.

Oh, what makes you think Eileen might be involved?

Well, we looked through the old newspaper files

and found her through her guild.

We knew she worked with Lou Poole. So we, uh..

Well, actually it's him we were trying to find.

Well, her health is fine, I was gonna release her tomorrow.

Now, of course, it has been an emotional year for her

and, uh, we never discount post-operative shock.

I would appreciate it if only one of you went in.

- Sure.

Uh, no, no, no. I'm not the one.

I don't have a TV in my room.

Well, it's been in the newspapers too.

Well, I guess I just haven't noticed.

Do you have any idea what happened to Mr. Poole

after your incident with the lion?

You found me, can't you find him?

So far we've run into dead ends.

I was hoping you could help.

Well, I can't.

He could be anywhere.

Do you remember his animals?

Did he have a hawk and some baboons?

An eagle and chimps.

Do you know what happened to them?

Did he sell them? Give them to trainers?

Or...a name or two would really help.

Look, I'm sorry. I don't know.

There's been a man visiting you

and no one seems to know his name.

Look, that's my personal business.

Now, I don't understand what you're doing.

Are-are you accusing me of something?

Um...no. Not at all.

I'm just looking for some answers.

I'm glad your surgery went so well.

Why don't call me if you think of anything

'that I might be interested in, okay?'

Okay.

I think she's covering up

maybe for that guy who comes here.

Maybe because he pays for the bills.

Well, we know they're paid by cashier's check.

We can ask the banks who drew the checks.

But if it is Poole

he's probably using another name.

'Yeah, probably.'

Officer, excuse me, aren't you the..

I think it is.

What do you want him to do?

Take it off!

A regular lover of the future.

And here come the gloves.

He explained the phony address.

He's been studying ballet since he was five years old

and he doesn't want his family to know he's doing this.

It nerds the family, you know?

Hey, a dancer's a dancer.

I won't blow the whistle on the guy if he'll cooperate.

Look, I'm just sick and tired

of being mistaken for a guy..

Alan, Officer Poncherello.

Alan darling, all the nice officer wants

is a change of uniform.

You can still be Officer Richard

but not of the highway patrol.

It won't hurt the act in any way.

'What do you say?'

Can I let him go on tonight?

One more show.

Get your motorcycle, dear.

I'll, uh, phone for a wardrobe fitting

right now in the morning.

You're welcome to watch

but, uh, it is ladies only, so..

...kind of stay out of the way.

It couldn't be me.

Hey! What are you doing?

Give me that. Hey, stop.

Hey! Hey, you!

Hey, thief! Stop that man!

Alan, stop him! He's a thief.

Stop that man!

Go get the cop inside. At the bar. Hurry.

I want to see the sergeant.

You just want to tell him

you walked into Chippendale's

and robbed the safe, is that it?

I-I didn't walk in.

It was ladies only. I busted in.

I was discovered in the office by the manager

Nita Baldero.

How'd you know her name?

You said before, "Get the details right."

This time I got 'em.

I did it.

Ask her. She'll tell you it was me.

I thought you wore a ski mask.

Could she identify the mask?

What was the name of the dancer

you hit with your car?

How

It's here in the paper along with everything else.

Alright, so I'm wanted for hit and run, too.

I want to see the sergeant.

The sergeant doesn't want to see you.

Now or ever.

- One more phony confess-- - It's not phony.

And you're not gonna see any sergeant.

You're gonna see big men in white coats.

It's you.

You're okay.

I-I thought, I..

That part's not in the paper.

- Let's go see the sergeant. - Hey, wait, wait!

Sure, if you don't mind coming in.

Well, we'll be here.

Anytime.

Thanks a lot.

Nita Baldero can positively identify the car.

- Your car.

- I don't own a car. - Got him for auto theft, too.

Read him his rights and book him.

Come on, guys.

You know I confess to everything.

I'm a phony, believe me. I-I'm a liar.

It's in the paper I hit a dancer.

Can't you tell a dancer from a cop?

I didn't do anything.

He thought if we did believe him

his confession would be thrown out.

Improper, inadmissible

but not a bad idea.

And he faces five for robbery

fourteen for hit and run.

Now, let's try to hang the big one on him.

I think he'll roll over.

- Well, first the car.

Nita didn't get the license number.

So, why don't you take a ride over to the hospital

and see if the dancer can talk?

Hi, young lady. Time to wheel you outta here.

Maybe I ought to take another look at that.

People are usually a lot perkier

about leaving the hospital.

Doctor, I think I've been here

under false pretenses.

I lied to that policeman who was here.

I lied for money.

What does that make me?

I don't know.

Sounds like a symptom.

Why don't we look for the cause?

Thank you.

Hi.

I've come to take you home.

Go away and stay away

or I'm gonna call the police.

Oh, no. Come on.

There's something I want to show you.

If you like it, I want to buy it for you.

It's a house.

- Hmm.

You don't have the money to buy a house.

And if you do have, you stole it.

How many banks have you robbed?

Oh, we don't want to talk about things like that.

The police are looking for you.

Forget it. You're not involved.

Oh, you fool.

I begged you to stay away from me.

I told you and told you.

And now, you offer to buy me a house with stolen money

I am involved. How could you?

How do you think..

...that I paid for all these hospital bills, huh?

Well, I'll pay you back every cent.

I don't want to owe you a thing.

Oh, what am I saying?

Ah, let's, let's just forget about the house, okay?

Did you get it all by stealing?

Sweetheart, you needed the money.

How many lies have I let myself believe

to get my face back?

I should have lived with the scars.

No!

Look.

You can do anything you want with your life now.

You're beautiful again.

You only see my face.

Eileen...your scars are gone.

But I can't get rid of mine.

No, but you've tried, haven't you?

That's what all this surgery's been about.

Not my face, you.

Because you know you let that lion attack me, didn't you?

- Yes!

And you still say, "Don't bother me.

"Don't touch me.

Leave me alone."

And it still hurts.

Right now, all I'd settle for is a little kindness.

I loved you so much then.

That I hated you.

And yes!

I can go away now.

That's what you've always wanted.

I really can.

Excuse me, do you have a patient

Alan Richardson, a hit and run victim.

- Officers.

That man you told me about

he's here, now, with Eileen!

'There!'

Jon!

- Come on, I'll tell you.

He wants an attorney present.

We'll wait, alright? What about his animals?

The animal shelter has the dogs and the hawk

and the zoo will take the monkeys.

I guess he loved them.

Yeah, they say he's really great with them.

I can't help feeling sorry for the guy.

Well, I know he's alone in a pit.

But remember, he dug it himself.

Room 103.

Okay, it's exactly what I said.

Looks good in print.

Well, it's an excellent statement, Ms. Baldero.

And we thank you very much for it.

Forget it, doll.

Thank you for getting my money back.

It wasn't much effort once Mr. Herzog understood

the nature of his alternatives.

Oh, uh, excuse me a minute.

Poncherello, hi.

Can we talk?

I'm, uh, one dancer short

while Alan's in the hospital.

How's about it?

Double the money.

Me? Never.

I've suffered enough already.

So, cat's out of the bag.

You might as well make it pay.

I'm afraid you're wasting your breath.

Drive the ladies wild with that wicked bod.

Triple the money.

He'd never do it, Nita.

Would you, Ponch?

Triple?

Frank!

Ponch.