Original subtitles

Tank Commander to Red Leader.

'We're in the enemy zone. So far no sightings.'

They gotta be out there somewhere.

Put a unit on point

'and keep checking your perimeters.'

10-4.

Tank Commander to Blue Leader.

'We just made visual contact.'

Very well. Attack when ready.

10-4.

Alright, that's it!

That's it.

No. Stay out of the city.

Come on. Let's go, Bates.

We've got problems.

Whose idea was it to recruit a bunch of dummies, right?

Well, dummies we got.

'Any unit in the vicinity of Clawson and Moorpark'

'a citizen's report of a high-speed joyride'

'Southbound on Moorpark, near Clawson.'

LA 15 Mary 3 and 4

responding from Moorpark and Fourth.

'I really don't know what happened.'

All of a sudden, I couldn't see a thing.

There was all this red paint all over..

It's okay, ma'am. It's okay. Just calm down.

This wasn't your fault.

Everything's gonna be alright.

Can you tell us anything about either one of the vehicles?

Did you see them?

It sounds crazy, I know, but one of them

had some kind of insignia on the side.

A name

No, sir, uh, a red silhouette.

Uh, like an army tank, I think.

No, I'm positive.

It was an army tank.

War games on the city streets?

Yeah, whatever happened to kick the can?

Ha, ha, that's a good question.

Look, I'll take the rest of this lady's statement.

You guys get back on your beat.

- Thanks for your help. - Thank you.

You can keep the handkerchief.

Thank you.

Two guilty parties, half a dozen witnesses

and nobody gets a half-decent license number.

Can you believe that?

Well, you and I are trained observers.

The average citizen isn't.

You got that right, partner.

How many of those mannequins suffered fatal injuries?

I don't know, uh..

...eight or ten, why?

Correct answer...six.

Oh.

Major Rascoe..

...good to see you again.

Is that a fact?

Seeing you makes me ill, Pete.

I don't mind telling you.

After your lawyer contacted me

I got right to work, you know.

I came up with a diversionary plan

which I hope you'll approve.

As good as your last one, Pete?

Hey, that-that was a long time ago, Major.

A long time.

Uh, I'd-I'd rather not talk about it.

No, come on, let's talk about it.

Beginning with that day over the yellow river

when you bailed out of my airplane without permission.

Come on. Tell me about it.

I was scared.

Is that what you wanna hear?

'I was so scared, I didn't even know what I was doing.'

I'm sorry.

I've told you that.

Right now, I'm doing everything I can

to make it up to you.

You'd have loved the crash-landing.

Too bad the crew and I lived.

As the lone survivor, you might have been a big hero.

Jet pack was delivered yesterday.

What do you, what do you, want me to do with it, Major?

I want you to test it for me. I understand you've flown it.

I helped design it..

...for the company you ripped off.

'Remember?'

Yeah.

For three long years while you were recuperating

from a broken ankle on the Santa Monica Beach.

I was looking up at those POW Camp walls

dreaming about how to fly over them.

'That's how I got the idea for the jet pack.'

Yes, I heard that story.

About your diversionary scheme, keep working on it.

Okay.

Well, Pete, thanks for coming to see me.

Keep in touch, you hear?

Yes, sir. It'll be my pleasure.

Lousy officers.

Who needs 'em?

And this controls the ignition to thrust.

This rotates the jets for direction.

This is the most important instrument of all.

What's that?

This shows your flight time

how many seconds of power you have left.

Alright, you may wanna stand back a little.

You ever dream of flying?

I dream of dying in bed.

Ah, it's gonna work perfectly.

Yeah, but, uh..

...how about from a rolling van?

Our one restriction is flight time.

You only get 20 seconds up there

whether you're through flying or not.

Yeah, I noticed.

Alright, just stall the negativity, will you?

Ugh!

I-I don't understand.

It was running just fine and then it just stopped.

Well, let's have a look at it.

I-I really appreciate your helping me.

I'm supposed to be at the airport to pick up my mother.

Oh, here it is. It's a loose coil wire.

I wonder how it popped off.

Why don't you hop in and crank it up?

Uh, thank you so much.

Could I have your name?

So that I can write your company

and tell them how much I appreciate your help?

It's Frank Donovan.

That's D-o-n-o-v-a-n.

- Yes, ma'am.

Well, Mr. Donovan, you are hereby served.

I'm not taking your papers!

Come on. Be a good sport.

A good sport? I'll show you a good sport, lady!

Come on, roll your window down. Roll your window down

or I'm gonna break it, I'm telling you, you don't..

You ain't got no right coming and doing this!

Come on, lady, I'm not fooling around! Come on!

Come on, wait a minute. Come here.

Okay, settle down. Settle down.

She's got no right coming out here

and giving me a summons.

I'm Darla Mason, legal process server

for the firm of Trenton, Whiteworth, and Gordon.

As I see it, you've just been served with a legal summons.

Why make a bad day worse?

Uh, my client, his ex

is appealing their divorce settlement.

So now she's gonna have her day in court.

I take it the defendant has been a little hard to catch.

Oh, nothing special.

Then why go through all the trouble?

Well, trouble is what makes it so much fun.

I like to outfox the real slippery ones

that no one else can catch.

Like the famous Mounties, huh?

Yup, I always get my man...or woman

whatever the case may be.

I am known as the Sam Spade of the process servers.

Really?

Well, lady, with your legal background you may be aware

that it is illegal to park in a tow-away zone.

Your driver's license and registration, please.

Ugh!

'Now, listen to this. This is important.'

'Every strategic offense has a weakness.'

'Has a what? Has a weakness.'

'If your opponent sees that weakness'

'and he can capitalize on it, what?'

'He has you at a tactical disadvantage.'

Right.' - 'Right.'

Which brings me around to yesterday's score.

Let's hear it for the blue one, huh?

Tomorrow's another day, right, men?

- Right. - Right.

That's what they all say, Mr. Bates.

Well, now on a slightly different subject.

Uh..

...yesterday it came to my attention..

...eh, uh...I think I oughta mention it to you.

If any of you..

...uh, get too rambunctious..

Alright...and you're pulled over by the gendarme

please, just name, rank, and serial number.

I want you to be ready for the next engagement.

We'll keep you posted. Thank you.

Well, Mr. Bates

you're bored with board games?

You'd like to join our little family here of armchair generals

'for some make'

I'd rather make believe this whole crazy stunt

was over with..

...and I was on a beach somewhere

south of the border drinking pina coladas.

Yeah, ain't it the truth?

Bye-bye to alimony taxes and servicing driveways, right?

Yeah, process servers too.

What's the matter, you got legal troubles, Ron?

One of my workers says there's this, uh, smart-lipped lady

that's been asking a lot of questions..

'...where I was, where I hang out.'

Well, it seems like she's a process server

and she wants to lay some paper on me.

I doubt her papers do any good in Yucatan, right?

Getraer beat Bonnie last night.

Uh-oh. That means you got to play Grossman.

- It's only a chess game. - Convince Grossman of that.

Hey, how come you never entered the tournament, huh?

Uh, chess isn't my game, but I like to sit

and watch my friends unravel in front of each other.

Hey, that's what it's all about.

That's a good one.

Hi, guys. Where you been?

Grossman here can't wait to get started.

I got a new pawn strategy

that should wrap up things in short order.

Should I set up the board?

I'll start the reports

if you guys wanna get this settled.

Hmm, thanks, uh, but this time of day

I'll take the accident reports

and save Comrade Grossnikov for tomorrow.

Our last bulletin of the day. Listen up.

Can hardly wait.

Ernie Rascoe, you all remember him

is being extradited to Arizona

and central is going to provide assistance.

Isn't he the dude that milked

that Aerospace Company over in Phoenix?

Yeah, who swore he would never serve time.

Well, if he doesn't like jail

he can always buy it and rip it down, I suppose.

Rich, huh? Hmm, I wonder if he plays chess.

Hey, there he is.

Can't we have a little quiet? This isn't a party.

Shh. Shh.

Shh. Shh.

Harlan, it's, uh, it's your move.

Well, excuse me. I'll be right back.

Your move.

This isn't fair.

He should have to spend time at the board

sweating it out like everybody else.

You know, you got Joe really psyched out.

Listen, I know the moves I have to make

and I'm not particularly concerned about

Joe's fizzling offensive.

'So, I ask you, why should I waste my time'

'just sitting around, uh?'

Don't you just love the atmosphere

of friendly competition?

Well, that's what games are for.

To let off steam in a socially acceptable way.

Harlan..

...check.

- Hmm. - Mmm.

- 'Uh-oh.' - 'Uh-oh.'

Look out, Harlan.

See, occasionally, Harlan

it pays to spend the extra time

and uh, think things through.

Ah.

- Checkmate. - Oh-oh, oh.

Get down, Harlan.

Hey, listen to this.

"You tired of that same old table top strategy?

"Wanna test your war-waging skills

"in the real world?

"We're looking for a few serious players to join

'"our game of war.'

"Interested?

"Write or contact Twentieth-Century War Museum

"3456 South McMahon Avenue

LA, California."

Morning, officers.

Good morning.

Pete.

Officer Baker. Uh, this is Officer Poncherello.

How do you do?

We read your ad in your magazine

and we thought we'd come by

and find out a little more.

Yeah, well, uh..

Hi, you big game enthusiasts, or..

Uh, well, my partner likes to watch

but I'm ready to try a new game anytime.

Good. Good for you.

Hardly enough excitement

to go around in this world, right?

Yeah, depends, uh, what you mean by exciting?

Well, uh, we, we just go out to the desert

'every once in a while'

and play a variation of capture the flag.

You know, like a military war game.

A simple simulation exercise, really.

A chance to practice team strategy

'thinking under pressure.'

And we like to think that we nurture some valuable skills

while we have a lot of fun.

You wouldn't be interested, would you?

'Do you, uh..'

you ever put tank insignias on vehicles

and uh, score points

by throwing some kind of paint or dye bombs?

No way. No way.

I mean, that'd really be overdoing it.

Yeah, but it does sound intriguing.

Well, the game I'm talking about was played

on the streets where innocent people were almost killed.

Oh, I see, well, didn't anyone

give you a license number or a description?

- Nothing definite. - Well, too bad.

You know, somebody always is out to spoil the fun.

Well, you know, there's, uh, always a chance

someone will tell us something about it around here.

And if they do, we'll be sure to let you know.

Thank you for your time.

It's our pleasure.

You come back and see us again.

Thank you.

I got the feeling we just had a game played on us.

Yeah, well, maybe the next move

will give us something to go on.

Yeah.

I don't know why. Everything was moved up.

I'm being extradited tomorrow.

This is what we do.

We use the diversion tactic as we originally planned.

I want you to find their route from here to the freeway

and pick a point for the diversion

where the jet pack will give me my biggest lead.

'Right? Everything else is as we planned it.'

Yeah, I-I got that, but--

One more thing, Pete.

When I come down with that jet pack

I'm counting on you to catch me.

Get yourself together, buddy.

You don't wanna clutch up on me now.

Abandoned car. Better check it out.

Somebody beat us to it, man.

Okay, let's see how long

it's gonna take Rascoe to get suited up here.

And go!

Hope he's faster at that than you are.

You just watch the road.

'Coming up to our blastoff point.'

We got a cop.

No good.

'I gotta pull over.'

Then I'm not gonna stick around

with this thing to answer a lot of questions.

Let me see your license and your registration.

I'm citing you for excessive speed.

Let me see.

Uh, hmm, must be here somewhere, uh..

You stay right here.

Seven Charles requesting a backup to intercept a man

in a...what? A spacesuit.

He's landing on Glendon.

'10-4, 7 Charles.'

Well?

Uh, I don't need that now.

Rocket suit? Like Flash Gordon?

It was weird enough to see that guy

come up over the wall. Where'd he go?

Uh, maybe it was a jet pack or something like that.

He probably took off in that abandoned car

we saw here a few minutes ago.

Yes, so all you have to do is find the officer

that ticketed the car and get the license number

'and that'll solve that puzzle.'

Yeah, with a vengeance.

- He hit me. - Easy, lady. Easy.

Did you see what they did?

Are you alright?

Ow, I wanna talk to your boss.

But, listen, ma'am. I was, I was the one driving.

I'm responsible for it.

Open up. I know you're in there.

You are the owner of this car.

And this driver is in your employ.

I want to know your name.

My name is Katherine Thomas

and our car had already made the turn

when you stepped off the curb.

Now, my driver will take all the information

and make a full report.

Your name is Katherine Thomas?

Yes.

'Robert, get us out of here.'

Yes, ma'am.

Katherine Thomas, you are hereby served.

Hey! Hey, lady, come on!

Lady, give me a break. Stop the car.

Hey, Ponch.

Lady, hey! Hey!

Oh, for heaven's sake. I can't believe it.

You're crazy, old lady!

Robert, stop the car.

'Hurry up, you guys. The lady's hurt.'

'Give them some room. Stand back. Stand back.'

- 'The lady needs some air.' - 'She's dead.'

- 'No. She's up.' - 'It looks like she's okay.'

'Hey, what's that stuff on her arms?'

- 'Oh.' - 'She had a wig on.'

Well, another day, another dollar.

Anyway, what else can I tell you?

I was an only child who grew up

with overly-protective parents.

That explains everything. No, thank you.

You know what I think it is?

It's that latent desire

to court danger, but you guys, of all people

should be able to catch a glimmer

of where I'm coming from.

Uh-uh, help us.

Parental authority in extremis.

I think I'm stuck in a deep funk

of late adolescent rebellion.

You had to ask, huh?

Oh, maybe I was born to serve papers.

Anyway, you'll never hear me complain about

how boring my job is.

But, Darla, how long are you gonna be taking

needless chances and bending the rules?

Hey, I am touched.

You guys not only give tickets, but you really care.

Yeah, we care, about you and everybody else you put in danger

when you pull one of your daredevil deliveries.

See, it'd be a shame for someone with your smarts

to end up as a statistic.

So, think about it.

Come on, Jon. We're over our break time.

Oh, no, no. Wait a minute, you guys.

I-I really do love you.

Anyway, you should talk.

You don't exactly have the safest profession in the world.

But it's not the same, we're out there

trying to cut down on the danger.

And you're out there trying to add to it.

So, when we meet up with someone as reckless as you are

and as nice..

...it's frustrating.

Come on.

See you.

Oh, hi, do you know that car on the overpass yesterday?

Nobody gave it a 4-22.

It had a ticket. We both saw it.

Somebody's going through a lot of trouble just to..

To what?

Well, if you figure it out

why don't you clue me in?

- Hey, Bear, come here. - Yeah.

They've been here all night?

Yeah, it's Grossie's day off.

They made an agreement that they wouldn't quit

until somebody won.

Check.

I won. Ha ha!

I won!

I think you just threw the game.

B-but my rook was going to take his queen.

Well, I haven't taken my finger off it yet.

And now that the important business is over

I'd like to extend an invitation to all of you

to join the morning briefing.

Rascoe will be extradited at 1:30 this afternoon.

Peters, you take lead for the Arizona deputies.

Uh, Turner, you take backup.

Now, be at the jail by 1 o'clock this afternoon

for a procedural rundown.

Got it.

Rascoe will be transported on back streets to the I-10

which will take him then all the way to Phoenix.

Now, you two will take him to the San Berdoo line.

From there, other units will take over

from there to the border.

The rest of you on Downtown beats

monitor blue channel five.

Okay, that's it.

Start smiling.

Okay, Mr. Ronald Bates

get ready for your day in court.

You having problems?

She's refueled and ready to take off.

Have a cheeseburger.

Nope.

An empty belly keeps the mind sharp, Bates.

'Okay, now, you know what to do.'

'When the war gamers run into the motorcade, I grab Rascoe.'

'That's right, then you radio me just as soon as he blasts off'

'so I can be at the right place at the right time, got that?'

'You know, if the cops are gonna move in at 1:30'

'we better get started.'

'Oh!'

What was that?

Look at this, Bates.

Ronald Bates, you are hereby served.

Now what are we gonna do?

We're gonna keep her under wraps for a while.

After that, whatever she blabs..

...won't matter.

Come on.

LA 15, 7 David. We're rolling.

'10-4, 7 David.'

Watch out for Jim. Good luck.

The troops have just left.

Mine are ready and waiting.

I'll be at the catch point in five minutes.

Same to you, honey.

What's up? You need some help?

Oh, hi, no, thank you, I, uh..

I'll be finished here in about 30 seconds.

- 'Thank you, though.' - Oh, alright.

I have blue column approaching on your left flank.

'Red team, get ready.'

Go get 'em!

'Hold your positions.'

'It's only a game. We know about these guys.'

'More smoke! Give 'em more smoke!'

'Come on, blue team!'

'Circle them. Keep circling. We got 'em!'

'I can't see a thing. Get on the radio.'

Hey, get that thing out of here!

'Don't move, Rascoe. Stay right where you are.'

'Follow those cars!'

Move it!

'Come on! Let's go!'

'This is 7 David. We got a problem here.'

LA 15, 7 David.

Rascoe has been sprung from Arizona unit 84.

Believe headed South on third.

I need backup fast.

Check that out.

Ah, there.

You've finally served somebody that wasn't a good sport, huh?

I guess so!

Alright, just calm down, alright? Calm yourself.

- Just tell us what happened. - It's not important.

This guy Bates and this guy Stoler

are staging some bogus military maneuvers

as a deception to the cops.

And it's supposed to happen at 1:30 this afternoon.

- Rascoe.

Oh, I, Bates I don't remember.

But Stoler had a black mercury convertible.

Oh.

LA 15 Mary 3, Attention all units

be on the lookout for black mercury convertible.

Mary 3, 7 Charles, I saw that car earlier

on the East side of the Thomas Avenue Bridge.

'10-4.'

Alright? You just sit tight.

Come on, Bates. You gotta talk to me. What's happened?

We're doing it by the numbers down here.

'Get ready.'

Hurry up! We're almost in position.

Now!

Alright, step out of the van.

Yee-ha!

Okay, boys, the game's over.

Step out of the car and put your hands on your head.

Hey, don't be a sore loser.

Step out and put your hands on your head.

Come on.

Turn around.

- Right this way. - Move it.

'Stoler, you're still obligated to me.'

'Me obligated? What about you?'

If you weren't such a big crook I wouldn't be in this mess.

Remember who you're talking to, sergeant.

Yeah, a thief. That's who.

I got a cocker spaniel that'd make

a better officer than you ever were.

You're a coward, Stoler.

You're a crook, Rascoe.

'You sure you don't wanna see a doctor?'

Oh, for a little smoke inhalation? Don't be ridiculous.

It's all part of the game.

Two days ago, we stopped a guy from punching you out.

Yesterday, we picked you up after you bounced off a car.

'Today you got kidnapped.'

What's on the docket for tomorrow?

I'm going to Lake Elsinore.

I've got some papers I'm gonna serve on a sky diver.

Please, I don't wanna hear about it.

Uh, may I help you, sir?

Darla Mason?

Oh, yes, that's me.

You must be my cabdriver.

Darla Mason, you are hereby served.

Oh, this is a joke, isn't it?

You guys are playing some kind of a joke on me...aren't you?

Check the papers.

This is from Katherine Thomas.

The lady in the limousine, remember?

Of course, I remember.

She says I scratched her limousine. Can you believe that?

I can believe it.

Hey, buddy. Wait a minute.

I wanna talk to you.

Well, partner, as we say in chess..

...checkmate.