Original subtitles

Beautiful, right?

Didn't see it. I was blinded by the glare.

Hey, what have we got here?

Well, looks like a couple of Jaguars out of the jungle.

'Yeah, I think I'm gonna run them.'

I'm gonna twist their tail a little.

- 'Come on.'

What? Are you crazy, man?

- Gee, God. - Chico, the same two guys.

I don't know what you're talking about.

'Oh, no!'

What's your problem? You crazy or something?

When I was a kid, there was a car club called The Pharaohs.

The one thing I had really wished for, was a fancy car

so I could get in that club.

Most of us spend half our time

wishing for things that we could have

if we didn't spend half our time wishing.

We had dances, we had picnics

we had beach parties.

Hey.

Back to the barrio, Paquito.Woo!

Are you crazy or something?

Calm down, alright. Calm down.

Help me, please! My friend is hurt.

He's up there. He fell.

There's a great big hole in the ground.

Take it easy now. Show me where, alright?

Hurry!

He's, uh, he disappeared.

And I stopped.

He didn't even see it.

- It was all covered over. - It's a trap.

It's an animal trap.

Here, catch!

Catch what?

- Chunk of raw meat.

Come on up.

Whoa!

Hang on, Nellie.

Woo.

Could that be a barbecue pit?

Not if I remember my Jungle Jim movies.

No, used it for bait.

Probably laid it on top of that cover.

Wild cats?

A hole that size and that much meat.

Gotta be something big.

Think I'll go call this in.

I think I'll come and help.

Hey! Hey, wait for Bwana.

Cops? How did the cops get into this?

Were they looking for the cat?

I don't think so, Mr. Kessler.

They just helping the biker.

I didn't find no sign of Princess.

Yeah, but they're gonna wonder about that pit.

We gotta find that tiger before somebody else does.

If that cat gets killed, I'm out five thousand bucks.

Maybe if we reported her missin'

we could get the animal regulation people to help us.

Oh, yeah, sure. Now that's just great.

Really great! Ha-ha, yeah.

And if she gets hungry enough to hurt someone

then they know just where to find me.

I'm liable, Tony!

I'll lose my license before I open for business.

Well, it's just, uh..

We've been searchin' for two days now.

That's right. Well, now we search harder.

That cat comes down out of the hills.

I don't want to think about it.

Now you get out there, will you?

I'll come out just as soon as I finish feeding these others.

You talk about fat, huh?

My uncle is so fat

he can sit around a table all by himself.

You get it, huh? Hey!

It isn't the minutes he takes at the table

it's the seconds.

The seconds? The seconds.

Second helpings!

Grossie, where did you get these jokes?

I made 'em up. Why?

You know I've been told that I have the makings

of a pretty good stand-up comic.

Yeah, well, take my advice..

...stick to writing, uh, magazine articles.

Let me see those cards.

Maybe I can help you punch 'em up, huh?

'Did you see that?'

Hey, listen.

I gotta buddy who's a very successful comic.

I'll give him a call, maybe he can give us

some professional advice.

Maybe even some great jokes, huh?

Why? You think I need 'em?

- Yes! - Yes!

Wait! You know, guys

there's this one about this two old little ladies..

Jon, Frank, come here a minute.

I'm worried about this, uh...car fight

that you and Jon broke up.

It may be gang-related.

Wheel rumbles with combat cars.

'We've had them before.'

That low rider was no combat car.

It was built for show.

I may be able to flush it out.

Well, give it a try.

Also, about your jungle safari

did you guys mark that pit?

Animal regulations can't find it.

Of course, we did.

Well, meet 'em on the fire road

first thing in the morning

so you can point it out, okay?

Wife buys all her clothes in Paris.

- Alright. Alright. - Paris, Texas!

You know, right?

- That's good. - You know, the one I like is...

You, uh.. You think them cops got a pretty good

look at my car. What do you think?

- I say we paint it. - Yeah.

And stop chasing Chicanos.

Stop?

I ain't but started, mate.

You know what them tacos owe me, huh?

I know if you don't put it behind you

you're can end up losing it.

Let me remind you a little piece

of ancient history, Vince

in case you've forgotten it.

Who was it, rolled over on me, huh?

Sent me to prison?

Francisco Martinez. Cisco.

My pal Cisco.

'Yeah, he'd come in here with that Merc.'

He said, "Wally, I need me a favor."

I say, "Sure, what you need?

Anything you want, my friend."

Yeah, I Z'd it for him, man.

I shaved it. That car is clean.

Then he takes off.

With our work, our money...and my old lady.

She's a tramp!

Wally, you're better off without her.

And Cisco is Portuguese, not Mexican.

I'm alone without her.

That's what I am without her.

You talk a good game.

You talk a real good game.

'Cause you got a home.

You know what I got?

I got that house.

Yeah, that's all I got.

First time I felt good in that was when

we bumped them Jaguars last week.

I ain't givin' that up.

Hi. Officer Baker and Officer Poncherello.

- Are you-- - Officer Lloyd.

You expecting someone older?

No, uh..

Uh, taller.

The pit we're talking about is pretty deep.

Would you be good enough to show it to me?

What do you think? Giant gopher?

We have no report that might explain this.

You know, people keep big cats for pets. Lions, leopards.

Well, their pets escape and they try to avoid responsibility

by not reporting it.

And if there was any sign left around here

you wiped it out.

Sorry. We had a little problem.

Well, you certainly complicated mine.

Might be some tracks in the brush.

Okay, I'll take it from here.

Hey, listen, if you're talking about tigers and lions

maybe we should stay. I mean, by yourself you're--

Weak and helpless?

I was gonna say unprotected.

Sorry.

But people often doubt me just because..

Well, you understand.

I don't see anything to doubt.

I'm quite used to protecting myself.

Even against wolves.

Yeah, she could stab 'em to death with her tongue.

I have a radio and equipment in the truck.

- If I need help, I'll call. - Okay.

Tracked her East, as far as Corona Canyon

and she commenced doublin' back on me

and I lost her in them rocks.

I think she'd stop if she got her belly full.

She don't know how to hunt for food, Mr. Kessler.

Never hunted food in all her life.

It's gonna be dark soon.

We better get back out there and bait

those two other pits that we dug.

- Here you go, Baker. - Oh, thanks a lot.

You know, I never realized it before

this is like old family night.

Sure. Guys and gals, mothers, fathers, kids..

..a rolling social event.

Unless the street gangs mess it up.

It's spectacular.

Come on. I got a name.

I remember this place.

They've been customizing cars here for years.

Come on. Let's go in.

The cops think I'm guilty of doing something, Rudy.

I didn't do nothin', man.

You ran away, that's what you did.

They'd hassle him, Rudy. You know how they are.

Okay, you bring me the car, I'll fix it up

and you pay me when you can.

Hey, what can I do for you, amigos?

Looking for Rudy Balta.

At your service.

Two brothers used to own this place.

Gomez brothers. I bought 'em out.

Should I know you?

Well, I grew up in the neighborhood.

Uh, Frank Poncherello. Jon Baker.

How you doin'?

We're here on, uh, business. No trouble.

Word is you, uh, wrote the bible

for a car club called The Jaguars.

Yeah.

I'm still kinda their advisor. Why?

We stopped a game of bump and tag today.

One of the cars was a low rider with a Jaguar plaque in it.

Now if something's building up, we'd like to know about it.

I'm afraid you don't understand car clubs, my friend.

We understand people, insults, bad blood, gang wars.

If you can help us..

What do you want the Jaguar for?

He was speeding, he left the scene of an accident.

'And later we think he was out there looking for revenge.'

'But mostly what we want is una palabra.'

Cooperation. Comprende?

You'll be here tomorrow morning

He'll be here.

Gracias.

You banged your car running from the cops, huh?

You just forgot to tell me about any accident. Right?

We were trying to get away.

It wasn't Chico's fault.

You be here tomorrow morning with the car

or I come after you myself.

'Entiendes?'

Bien entiendes, Chico?

Yeah.

You know, the Playas and the Jaguars

used to be mortal enemies.

Yeah, not anymore.

The cars brought 'em together.

Hey, uh, is it alright if I go road test my car?

Why not? Go ahead.

Ah, looks like a rich man's hobby.

Nah. Just ordinary working stiffs.

They do most of the work. I just help out.

Off the streets and into the seats.

That's what car clubs are all about.

Chico's never been in trouble. Why hassle him?

I could come down a lot harder, Rosita.

Well, what about the guys that started this, huh?

Come down on them.

Well, give us some help and we will.

You've been closer to them and their car than we have.

I hear you.

But look, uh, you got a badge.

Somebody hangs a stool pigeon label on me

make it a long nap..

...in a cold bay.

Look who you talkin' to, Chico?

What kind of honor is there in knuckling under, huh?

And then you go after them, and then they come after us?

No thanks.

Well, at least quit the car club.

And lose the Jaguar plaque.

Don't drag decent people down with you, man.

Hey, officer.

The license plate on the car?

It's 1FK-Q421.

- Keep your mouth shut.

I'll handle this.

'Morning, gentlemen.'

Mornin'.

We, uh, noticed the sign down on the road.

- In the flesh.

Uh, anything wrong with the sign?

No. We were wondering if you had a visit

by the animal regs officer this morning?

No, I haven't. Why?

Well, we think there might be an animal loose in the hills.

Big animal. Probably a cat.

That could be real dangerous.

But mine are all here.

'Oh, our past is catching up with us.'

What are you doing here?

Well, we thought we'd be of some help.

I mean, there's a lot of these places around--

I've been checking animal parks all morning.

Now this is my responsibility. I can handle this.

You two like to be left alone?

Mr. Kessler, uh, this is our friend

and colleague, Officer Lloyd.

How do you do, officer?

- Say "Yes," Mr. Kessler.

- She's gonna do it. - Why, sure.

Uh, we're just starting to get set up.

Would you like to see the animal compound we're building?

Please.

Notice you've got some empty cages here.

Oh, yeah, we got some more animals comin'.

Where's your other tiger?

You've got a permit here for two.

Princess. Oh, she'll be along in a couple of days.

Fine animal.

Hey, Jon.

A loose lion or tiger, if it's been raised by people

dependent on people for its food

is the most dangerous animal that there is.

It's always basically wild.

That's true. Very true.

Mr. Kessler, about that equipment

in the back of your truck.

Oh, that's just stuff we normally use

when we're moving animals.

'Units in the vicinity of Drago Canyon'

'and Bradbury Road, we have an animal control report'

'of a large feline, believed to be a tiger'

'loose in the hills in that area.'

'BOL. And notify immediately.'

'Use extreme caution.'

Don't use no tranquilizers, ma'am.

What did you say?

It's Princess, ma'am.

The lock on her cage got broke, I don't know how.

But she just had her babies a while back.

She's allergic to tranquilizers.

You follow me.

Dory, you're fired!

We've got a helicopter coming. I'll go to stand by my radio

and guide it in, okay?

- Yeah, thanks. - Alright.

- No, but I saw her tracks.

Looks like she's moving this way.

Poor little mother.

She's probably longing for her babies.

- She had two cubs.

They sold 'em. Took 'em away too soon.

That's too bad. Cats make good mothers.

In fact, I know some humans

that could profit by their example.

You love animals, don't you?

People aren't half bad, either

if you give them a chance.

Hey.

'Jaguars.'

Hey, come on, Wally.

Now this one's not even ours.

- Knock it off! - Ha-ha.

Hey, Taco!

Where you runnin', Taco?

Ain't nowhere to run up here.

Ohh!

She's coming. You better cut the helicopter.

It might frighten her.

You can cancel the helicopter. She says it's comin'.

She's comin'.

Hey, stop!

Fools! You stupid fools!

LA 50, Mary-3. We have one over the cliff at, uh..

...Drago Canyon, three miles East of Roxbury.

Send the paramedics, 11-41.

Is he talking?

I don't think, uh..

I think he was trying to tell me something

but I don't think he was very coherent.

How's he doin'?

He's in surgery now.

Rudy's down the hall with his mother.

Now listen, just before they took him in

Ramon told me two words, Los Mismos.

The guys who did this to him today

Los Mismos,the same guys?

What same guys? I don't know what--

Chico, the guys you rumbled with before.

He recognized them.

If he saw them, you saw them.

- We can put 'em away. - We didn't see nobody.

Man, I wasn't looking at them, right?

I was-I was looking for how to escape.

Who's supposed to stop guys like this, huh?

Or who? - Us, Rosita.

Look, officer, that is my best friend in there, alright?

Me and him, we're like blood brothers

you know what I'm sayin'? So, uh..

...why don't you just give me some space?

Don't push me right now. Let me think about it.

Maybe, just maybe I can remember.

You have my number. You call me.

Here comes someone, man.

Well, well, well.

Decided to join us, did you, Taco?

I've been looking for you, vatos.

Yeah, well, you found us.

You know that friend of mine you ran off the road?

Yeah?

Well, I hate to disappoint you

but he's gonna live.

Well, I guess I'm just gonna have to try

a little bit harder then, won't I?

Man, you've been chipping at us on the street, ese!

Now I want to see what kind of guts you really have.

Well, then why don't you just keep talking?

- Poyo. A chicken race?

Come on, that's kid's stuff.

' - That's right.

There's the time and the place.

Now you be there, alright? 'Cause I will.

You got it, Taco. You want a poyo,you got it.

'Hey, it's awful serious at that end of the table.'

I thought we came here for laughs.

And that's just what's gonna happen.

Grossie, you're on.

No way! I'm not prepared.

That's what you think. Look.

This is all new material. Professional quality.

It's from a buddy of mine.

Go on up there.

- I can't back out now. - Go on!

- Well, if you insist. - Go on, Grossie.

Alright, Grossie.

Thank you very, very, very much.

Okay, okay, uh..

Hey, Turner, you with us?

'Hey, smile, man.'

Lost you there for a minute.

Uh...no, but seriously, black is beautiful.

'I believe that.'

Uh, ever since I saw "Roots" on TV.

Of course a lot of people turned it off

after the first half hour 'cause, uh..

...they, uh, didn't score a basket.

Where'd you get this stuff, Harlan

at a Klu Klux Klan rally?

You're on a roll, man. Go! Go!

Uh, but black guys are good at basketball.

They're, uh, good at football, good at baseball.

Why, they're practically good at every sport but auto racing.

You never saw a black guy at a race track, driving a car.

"Shooey, that fast."

No, sir. Anytime you see a black man driving a car that fast--

Hey, settle down. It's okay, he's a good dude.

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Really, he's a cool dude. Really.

Get him out of here! I want him out of here.

Remember the old saying, "To forgive is divine."

Be divine.

Hey, you didn't think that was funny?

No, not from Grossie.

This friend of yours hates cops?

No, he works at the Comedy Crossroads.

He gets a million laughs.

Everyone inside of a shop, please stay there.

Close the door and remain calm.

If you're inside of your car, just stay put.

This will all be over with soon.

Any news from your sergeant?

No, he'll be here soon.

I hope your idea works. I mean, uh..

...tranquilizer gun might as well be a canon

if that tiger's allergic.

Well, she came back for the meat last night.

She's not too hungry.

Well, there wasn't a lion or tiger cub within reach

so I brought you your second choice.

- Here we go. - Great. Thanks.

- Sure. I don't get it.

Uh, she had cubs, but they took 'em away.

Kittens won't fool her, but might make her investigate.

You have to understand motherhood, Frank.

Come on now.

Yes, baby.

- There you go. - 'Good girl.'

Frank, there's a Rudy Balta who wants to see you right away.

- That was a good job. - Oh, thanks.

These two are so darling, I'd like to keep 'em both.

Well, they belong to my son's best girl

and she's, uh, nine years old.

So watch out. Oh, ho ho.

Rudy, you wanted to see me?

Something's coming down. I think it's a poyo.

A car race. A chicken race.

I made Rosita come with me but she won't tell me

where it's taking place.

Okay, gracias.

Rosita..

...talk to me.

It is important, baby.

Life or death.

Now what's going down?

'A chicken race?'

'Where?'

Rosita, you just can't grow flowers.

You gotta fight weeds.

Who's gonna go to the funeral, huh?

You

Okay, that's equal distance.

Now all you gotta do is knock this flag down with your cars.

LA 15, Mary 3, send a rescue unit

immediately to the LA River

between Fourth and Sixth Street.

'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

Marry him while he's out on bail.

Keep him out of trouble.

Hey, treat me right

and I'll get you back in the club, huh?

Oh, man, but you know I've been doing

quite a bit of travelling, you know?

And now ladies and gentlemen it's good to be back here

at the Comedy Crossroads once again.

Is this the guy Grossie gets his jokes from

- He gets a million laughs. - I guess so.

I was in Evansville, Indiana, about three weeks ago.

'That's where they make washing machines.'

And you know, one day I said to the boss, I say

"The President's out there tonight."

He say, "Well, give him a big bow."

So I walks out, I said, "Where is the President

of the washing machine company?"

He said, "Right here, sir."

I said, "Why is all of your washing machines white?"

He looked at me and said, "We got black agitators."

But I tell you one thing, man.

See, 1981 gonna be a great year

for black entertainers

Because we are good in football

we good in baseball

we good in basketball.

We good in everything except auto racing.

You never see a black man at the Indianapolis 500

driving a car that fast.

Anytime you see a black man driving a car that fast

he's being shot at.

Ha-ha. Alright.

I don't understand it. I guess I'm just not funny.

But you know, ladies and gentlemen

the policy here, at the Comedy Crossroads

is to present new and young talent.

And I see a friend of mine out there

who want me to introduce his protege.

Let's have a nice warm reception

and bring to the stage, Artie Grossman.

Come on, Artie.

- Come on, Artie. - Get up there.

- No way! - 'Come on.'

Thank you very much, Slappy.

Hey, how many channels you get on that jacket?

This is really kind of embarrassing

'cause I'm not really a comic.

I'm a highway patrolman.

And that's not funny.

Though, as a motorcycle cop, I'm proud of my pursuit.

I mean, what I'm trying to say is

we trained hard at motor school.

We fell down, we ran into things

got all bruised and skinned.

Our class yell was "Ouch."

'Seriously.'

You know, there was this time when this guy

robbed a liquor store, right?

He goes into a dark, really scary alley.

So what do I do? I call our meanest dog out, Killer.

I say, "Killer, go see."

Killer runs in the alley.

Killer comes back out.

Killer looks at me and says

"He's got a knife."

I said, "Killer, you were trained

to do that kind of stuff."

Killer says, "So were you."

I had-I had an, uh, old woman, right?

She ran a red light.

This old guy's crossing the street.

Old woman hits the old man about ten feet in the air.

He comes down, smack, right on the ground.

She jams on her brakes and screams, "Look out!"

Old man looks up and says

"What, are you coming back?"

One time, I pulled this lady over.

She's waving her arm furiously

out the window, like this.

You know, I thought she needed help.

She goes, "Oh, no, I'm drying my nail polish."

and I say, "Uh, well, excuse me

could I see some identification?"

She says, "Oh, don't be crazy.

I'm your Aunt Bessie."