Original subtitles

I nearly fell out of my tree last night

listening to these little drops pounding on the tile.

Chinese water torture. Goes with apartment living.

- Leave it to the landlord. - Not at these prices.

You know how long it's been? How many calls to his office?

Hey, there you go. Now that's better. That's more restful.

That's, uh, that's like sleeping by a mountain stream.

You know, they hiked our rent almost 20 percent last month.

Well, then we better get back to work

so you can afford a more affluent lifestyle.

Yeah, well, if this keeps up

I won't be able to afford the bathroom.

- Don't tell me.

- No.

My showerhead has turned me into a lunchtime plumber.

Charlene Ives, Jon Baker.

- Plumber's helper. - Hi.

What's wrong with you? You flunk out of law school?

Oh, just got a Valentine from our landlord.

- Three day eviction notice.

Oh, I knew it was coming.

I just can't afford the new rent on a daytime courier's pay

and I'm not dropping out of law school now to work nights.

I've been trying to find another place but you know how it is.

Well, look, when you find a place, I have a truck.

A small truck, but I'll be glad to help.

- A stranger in need.

You're nice. Very nice.

- Nice, very nice.

Are you ready?

Docking complete.

Okay. Start it.

Jon, look.

LA 15, Mary 3 and 4 in pursuit of reckless drivers

westbound, San Diego Freeway at Santee.

Give me the money. Give me your money.

Give me your money.

- Uh, luckily, nothing serious.

Mr. Samuelson was carrying stock options

bonds, and treasury notes.

All negotiable.

Look, does it, uh, take the whole A shift

to handle this situation?

We heard it go down on the radio, sarge.

We had to see this for ourselves.

Yeah, and right there is where that clamp grabbed the doorpost.

Yeah, like something out of science fiction.

Yeah, well, I don't think this thing

was performed for your entertainment.

If I am not mistaken, you all have beats to patrol.

Now break this up and get back to work.

Yup, that's where the clamp grabbed the doorpost.

This is right out of science fiction.

- Had to come see for yourself.

Well, rank has its privileges, boys.

Yeah.

Home sweet home. Get the cutters.

Got 'em. Alright, go ahead.

Great.

- We were lucky. - Hey, it worked.

- But not well enough. - Oh!

Oh, ho ho ho.

George Selkirk. May I help you?

Guess who and guess what?

It's our policy to take the guesswork out of investments.

I hope we've been of service.

Your advice made it all possible.

Was everything as you expected?

It's all here. See you tonight?

Good, and if we see another opportunity for you, we'll call.

Great.

Hey, man. Come on.

All you wanted was enough cash to get us out

of this junkyard, right?

Oh, pardon me. Reclamation center.

High-tech research lab, whatever.

Oh, you're right, if I had proper work space

and competent help, I could get some of these ideas

off the drawing board and into a patent office.

Okay, so cheer up. We're one step closer.

Hey, look. We're off the soy burger diet forever.

From now on, it's filet mignon.

Listen, Gill, if that guy's car had had just a little bit

more traction, or if he'd kept his head

we'd be eating beans out of tin trays right now.

Alright. If, if, if.

See, the machine worked but just barely.

Oh, it's not the machine's fault either. It's my fault.

Now I've gotta design something better.

- Yeah. - Better.

Okay, Ponch. You can turn the main back on.

'Gotcha.'

Hey, you're pretty good at this sort of thing.

I've fixed up different places. I enjoy it.

Alright, Steve. The water's on.

Your troubles are over.

'Ponch'

Yeah, in the bathroom. Come on back.

Listen, I appreciate it. Thanks a lot, man, okay?

- It's alright, any time. - Alright.

- Hey, guys. - Hi. Charlene Ives.

- Steve McLeish. - Nice to meet you.

- Nice to meet you.

I think Steve found the trouble.

Didn't open your mail yet, did you, Ponch?

No. I haven't had time. Why

Well, I'll save you the trouble, every tenant in the building

got the same two letters.

"Dear, tenant.." Da-da da-da da-da.

"Serves as formal notice that 240 Bayshore Drive is henceforth

"under the management of the Real Estate Corporation

of West Los Angeles."

- Mm.

- It might be better off. - Yeah.

You can get some things fixed.

Your trash compactor, garbage disposal.

Hold it. Second letter.

It's from the Real Estate Corporation, the new owner.

"Hereby notify.." Da da da.

"Convert-converting all apartments into condominiums."

A hundred and eighty nine thousand.

Mmm.

Oh! Whoa! Whoa!

You know, it isn't fair, but it's not uncommon.

They let the place run down, and then they let the new owners

pick up the tab. No one seems to care about the tenants.

Yeah, but I like this place, man.

It's me. Set up just the way I want it.

Now I gotta scrounge around all over again.

I can tell you some places not to look.

Well, couldn't the two of you save a lot of time and energy

if you look together? I mean, you're both in the same boat.

Yeah, but, uh, I work early and sleep early.

She works late and goes to night school.

You mean, the two of you aren't dating or anything like that?

I'm just the girl down the hall.

Uh, dating me, I think.

Well, at any rate, we're hardly ever here at the same time.

It would be too hard to coordinate.

Couldn't one be looking while the other one's working?

I've been evicted. I don't have time.

Tomorrow, I've got to work late. I'm a bonded courier, you know.

And Ponch works early.

Ponch, what if I didn't have to go to a motel?

I mean, Steve is right. We could work together.

If you let me sleep on your couch

just for a few days until we find me a place.

I don't have a lot of junk, and I wouldn't get in the way.

Hey, if you're worried about what people might say

I mean, come on, this is the 1980s.

Well, yeah, but I..

Uh, two can live cheaper than one.

- I'll pay while I'm here. Don't-don't be silly.

Half the rent. I insist.

- With full kitchen privileges. - Deal.

Thanks for the idea.

Come on, I'll help you get your things.

See ya.

That was really nice of you to help her out.

Yeah, great, you get the thanks, Jon gets the girl

and my bathroom still doesn't work.

Eh.

Eh.

- 'Courier service.'

That's him.

Greetings, partners. You're both looking well.

It's all here, just like you said. When do we divvy up?

Well, I can't cash these in at an all-night market.

I told you, it will take at least two weeks

to get it all fenced.

Besides, while this is in the pipeline

we've got bigger and better things to think about.

- I can hear.

He's taking the claw apart again.

- Everything can be made better.

Can't you leave well enough alone?

You might foul it up altogether.

I'm gonna change it altogether. I've got a new design.

Next time, it's gonna work so smooth

they won't even know what hit them.

Couriers don't make money being late.

- I don't like it. - Oh, don't be so hard on him.

Robbery victims gotta eat too, you know.

There he is.

That's great. Come on.

Eating while driving. Bad for the digestion.

Well, let's stop him before he gets an ulcer.

- You know what I want.

Give me the bag. Come on, just..

Don't, no, I'll give it to you. I'll give it to you.

- Hey, we picked up a cop. - I've got the satchel.

Just tell me when you can hang a left.

'Now.'

- I guess so.

- I was gonna ask you.

I don't think I know.

Ponch and I did a 20-block pattern search

and came up empty.

Well, it's the same van. It has to be.

- I said there what I saw.

Somehow that van had the courier car completely under control.

I don't know how. The courier doesn't know how.

But I think he's right about one thing.

The wheels were off the ground.

Sounds like we're up against a mechanical wizard.

Yeah, well, I wish he'd do his hocus-pocus

on somebody else's turf.

Here you go, Ponch. "Student special.

"Four flights up, studio apartment

"Murphy bed, hot plate, needs refrigerator, 585."

- That's too high.

No, four flights up.

Well, that's the best I can do. Here.

Ponch, I picked this up in the valley.

I circled the ones I thought you might be interested in.

- They're not cheap. - Hey, nothing's cheap.

Betty found this one bargain out near us, a remodeled garage.

They're looking for a bachelor over 65.

Uh, at least you're a bachelor.

If you're interested, they're willing to talk.

Uh, thanks, but I think I'll just sling up a hammock

underneath the 405 Interchange.

See you later.

Hey, I hope you've been keeping

Charlie posted on the courier bandits.

Oh, you bet. Yeah.

You know, I'm really worried about her.

Are you gonna see her tonight?

Uh, we don't have a date. You'll be seeing her.

Why don't you tell her to call me, alright?

Yeah, sure. No problem.

Ponch, I hope you haven't committed yourself

to anything yet 'cause I got your answer right here.

The Renter's Compumax Service. I subscribed to it for you.

Subscribed

See, it has apartment rentals and subleases

for the entire tri-county area.

How much, Harlan?

It has this handy key for pets

no pets, securities

shopping centers, fire hydrants, neighborhood schools.

- Harlan-- - It comes out every Wednesday.

How much?

69.95 for 156 issues and they give your money back

if you don't find a place in three years.

Oh, brother.

You know, Harlan, he may actually be in a better

financial position if he stays where he is.

For $189,000?

Well, he could build up equity, you know? Stabilize.

'He has more financial clout than he thinks.'

Look, close out his savings account, cash in his annuity

take out a low-interest loan on his insurance, okay?

Then if he can wire into a wraparound loan deal

with the seller and keep his monthly payments below 1700.

Why, he'd have a cash leftover of..

- Oh! - Yeah, you got a problem there.

Fifty six dollars a month.

Well, he could brown-bag his lunches.

Hey, maybe his parents could help.

- He was here a minute ago.

Listen, some people don't understand creative financing.

- True.

Charlie?

Holy mackerel.

- Charlie. - Hi.

I thought you said you brought everything in here yesterday.

Oh, everything from my apartment.

I had to vacate the storeroom too. This is the last.

I'll just, uh, tuck this away in the bathroom.

- Look, Charlie-- - Oh, I know.

It's a little crowded, I guess but it's only temporary.

- Yeah.

Look on the bright side, Ponch, by the end of the month

you'll be kicked out of here completely.

' - That's beside the point.

I'm gonna find places for everything

so there'll be nothing in your way or mine.

Um, do you have any extra closet space? I didn't wanna pry.

Look, Charlie, we gotta have a little talk

about this arrangement.

I'm glad you brought that up.

Sit down.

Come on. Get comfortable.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Oh, watch the clothes. - Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Now, everybody has certain things

that really bug them, right?

I made a list of mine

and I think that you should do the same

so we can avoid getting on each other's nerves.

No arguments, no hurt feelings, just an impersonal list.

Here's mine.

Then, I worked out how to share the cooking time in the kitchen.

Shouldn't be hard because we both eat at different times.

Here's your copy.

I have to have study time for school.

I'll do that in the mornings when you're at work.

For entertainment, I can go out with Jon and you can..

...do whatever you like.

'I didn't pin down days off'

'because yours change and so do mine.'

What do you think?

- Well..

- Great.

You know, Ponch, you're really easy to get along with.

- Hello there. - Hi.

Hey, Charlie. On the run?

Glendale and Thousand Oaks. Soon as I change my clothes.

- I haven't had time to look.

Now you know about the courier bandit. Watch yourself.

Right. See you tonight, Ponch.

I guess.

Light's green.

Yeah? Okay.

Gotcha. Thanks.

It's an orange job.

Gonna be a cakewalk this time. It's a woman.

Here she comes. Get to work.

Now.

Breaker, breaker, any policeman.

I'm a bonded courier traveling north on Hoover and Ninth.

I think I'm being robbed.

'Units in position, a possible courier bandit robbery'

'in progress, northbound Hoover and Ninth.'

Let's have it, sister.

Let's have it, sister.

- Let's have it, sister-- - Get it yourself!

Okay. Now give me the bag.

Hey, cops, Rado. Hurry up.

I'm letting her loose.

- I don't think so.

- Come on. - Oh, the satchel.

- Come on! - Good, that's it.

Is this courier okay?

Jon went with her to turn in the satchel.

Well, old saying. Third time's a charm.

I think these ingenious goons have engineered themselves

into a trap if we can find a way to spring it.

Well, what kind of a trap?

Well, every courier that they've hit on

has been delivering to, from, or for the same exchange.

- Breen & Wabash. - They got an inside man.

Has to be. Now if we could just find one person--

- Sarge, I think we have one.

Yeah, a friend of mine works there.

Yeah, but can he get permission to cooperate?

He's chairman of the board.

- Hey.

Be my guest.

Okay.

- Excuse me.

Yes, sarge.

Hey, here's one I do not believe.

"Section 6, article 14.

"No one is allowed to drive an automobile in the state

unless preceded by a gentleman on foot carrying a red lantern."

- Must mean after dark. - Doesn't say so.

What are you guys doing?

Legal firm of Grossman, Baricza, Turner, and Clark.

Preventing condominium conversion's our specialty.

We're going after that outfit that bought your building.

Well, hey, I appreciate the effort.

I made an appointment to see the guy face-to-face

but the way he sounded, I don't think there's much of a chance.

Much we don't need, just one little precedent.

Good. I hope you find it. Let me know.

Hey, where do they keep the sectional surveys?

The county assessor's office.

- Hey, that's a good idea. - That's terrific.

- Hey, Ponch.

Good, here's that address I was telling you about.

- Oh, great, yeah.

Listen, I can meet you here, okay?

- Alright. - Poncherello, McLeish.

No doubt you're aware of the dangerous desperados

wreaking havoc on our streets with their vile devices

and their rotten vans.

He means the bad guys.

If there's one thing I can't stand

it's the misuse of mechanical genius.

Yeah, well, we're trying to catch them.

Yes, well, I can help.

I-I'd like to customize a car. Guess how.

Speed, power, stability

special handling, traction, pickup, braking.

You'll never guess.

What else is there?

You meet me tomorrow and I'll show you.

Uh, you sure you're gonna be okay?

Oh, sure.

For a girl who almost toasted alive

I'm in a pretty good mood. Thanks to you.

I think I'll take a little nap

and then maybe catch the bus to school.

Maybe I could borrow Ponch's car.

Uh, look, Charlie, uh, do you think

you'll have some time tomorrow afternoon?

Sure. Why?

Oh, I thought I'd drive you around

and help you look for a place.

Oh, we're okay here till the end of the month.

Charlie, this isn't fair to Ponch.

I mean, this is his place.

Well, it's just as bad for me as it is for him.

- And I am paying half the rent. - I-I know.

I was there when you made the deal but..

...he was kind of forced into it.

Well, what I mean is, he won't complain to you.

I mean, it's awkward and it's gonna get worse.

Oops. Sorry, folks, uh, I gotta change my clothes.

Just passing through. In the bedroom.

See what I mean?

How can I argue with the guy who saved my life?

See you later.

See you later, Ponch.

'Hey, Jon, if you're not doing anything'

'wait for me.'

Why not?

Are you sure this is the street?

Yeah, according to Steve's note.

It can't be. Look at the size of those houses.

There it is, 94.

Hi. Come on in.

Hey, we thought we had the wrong address.

I was looking for an apartment building.

What is this? A rooming house?

- No.

Hey, come on. It's just a house. Let's go in.

- Alright. - Alright.

Hey. Now, this is nice.

- Real nice.

Oh, it's unfurnished. Hey, come on. I'll show you upstairs.

- Four bedrooms, two baths.

- Big. - Oh!

Uh, no beds?

Nah, I told you it was unfurnished.

Oh, well, see, I-I was thinking of a place

where I could crash till Charlie moves out of my pad

and I find a new place to hang my helmet.

Right, but, uh, you know I thought if we could get

some chairs, and maybe with a sleeping bag and some candles..

Oh, that's something to think about, that's true.

If worse comes to worse, just knowing that it's here

I feel more secure, okay?

- It's mine.

Well, ours.

My brothers are in it with me but I handle it.

How did you get it?

I traded it for a house in Bermuda

that I got for a little freighter

that I sold to a guy in Kuwait.

Oh!

Let's just keep this between us.

- It's no big deal. - Yeah, sure. No problem.

What did you do, Steve? Inherit a fortune or something?

No, just bought low and sold high.

Huh.

Well, looks like you're on your way to becoming a wealthy man.

Maybe, once I liquidate.

Or else make a mistake and lose my shirt.

Well, Steve, thanks a lot.

Um, I'll talk to you after my meeting with my landlord.

Yeah. Uh, guys, uh, one second.

Uh, I get my paycheck tomorrow and I was wondering

maybe if one of you could lend me a few bucks.

The equipment works like a charm, man.

I mean, we proved that twice.

Everything's out of my pocket.

I-I need something back.

Only we know which courier we're going for.

- They can't watch them all. - I know.

I know we have to have one big score

but I know they have to have warrants on me

for felony hit and run.

Okay.

If I can finger a shipment as rich as the one

we lost with that girl, would you go for that?

Trust me.

Yes, sir, sarge. I'm really proud of this one.

This is one of my more innovative creations.

- Oh, yeah. It's real cute.

And I wouldn't kick the tires. They're solid.

- Oh! - Go ahead. Nudge it.

- Go ahead. Rock it.

It's like trying to rock Gibraltar.

Yeah!

It's loaded with six tons of lead.

Double disc non-fade power brakes.

Heavy-duty high-load aircraft shocks on all four.

'It's simple, when they try and lift you'

you're gonna lift them, and that's not all.

A special accessory package.

A grappling hook?

'Yeah, after the van's wheels leave the ground'

toss in the hook, and we got them.

That's a favored weapon of the Imperial Roman Navy.

Once you snag an enemy with one of those, he never escapes.

Well, that's wonderful, Harlan, but, uh, what do I do with it?

Well, you know these courier bandits?

Whoa. Wait a minute. Hold it.

If you're going to suggest that I set up

a fake delivery from the stock exchange..

Uh, using this car to make the run?

And give one of my men permission

to impersonate the courier?

You must think I'm losing my marbles.

Why would I think a thing like that?

Because I think I'm going to do it.

Imperial Roman Navy, huh?

'Uh, hold it, hold it, hold it.'

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

Now, I just took out a construction loan

at 18 and a half percent

and now you tell me I can't excavate

because of a couple of oak trees?

I don't care if they're 150 years old.

Since when am I supposed to worry about elderly oak trees?

And they're standing right where the racquetball court

is supposed to go with that--

'Oh! Oh!'

Uh

Well, a court order.

Oh, alright, well, uh, uh, we'll kill the racquetball

and we'll keep the brush, and we'll call it the, uh

uh, The Green Oak Hideaway.

You're the lawyer. You figure it out.

Lawyers.

Alright, where were we? Uh..

Oh, yes, uh, we're human beings here.

We appreciate the hardships some of the tenants at, uh

"240 Bayshore" must endure as we convert to condominiums.

We're assigning an executive to help those who can't afford

to stay with us find, uh, new accommodations.

Mr. Strum, for some of those people

it's the only home they've ever known.

We're in the home business, Mr. Poncherello, Miss Ives.

We're stockholders. Hard-working people just like yourself.

If we made no profit from that property, they'd have

every right to demand new officers now, wouldn't they?

Uh, I think what's bothering most of us is the short notice.

Our attorneys assure us that we're proceeding

fully within the letter of the law, Miss Ives.

If you find our representative is unable to help you

in your relocation, you be sure to call on me.

Yeah?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Uh, yes, send them in.

Mr. Strum, I'm Officer Clark. This is Officer Grossman.

We're acting as tenant advocates for the residents

at 240 Bayshore. Officer Grossman's our spokesperson.

- Nice to meet you, sir. - Yes, well, get on with it.

- I'm a very busy man. - Very well, sir.

I think we found a little flaw in your condominium plans.

How many units do you have in that building?

- We have 60 units. - Thank you, sir.

And you're required to have two parking spaces

per unit, is that correct?

- We have it-- - We have it documented, sir.

Are you trying to tell me my business--

If you're thinking about building a parking structure

which we're forced to assume you intend to do

you do not have the room required

as Officer Grossman will show you.

On this chart--

On this chart, a surveyor

probably yours, has used the wrong mark.

Right.

Don't have enough room.

The customer who arrived in the vehicle I described

he's leaving.

Yes.

Thanks.

Switchboard says it's desk 12. George Selkirk.

- Right behind you. - Okay. Thank you.

Uh, I don't understand.

Well, you see, you're under arrest.

Here he comes.

- Yeah.

If Selkirk's right, this one's worth a half a mil.

I hope so. I've got this great idea for robbing armored cars.

Now.

Police.

Stop the vehicle! Police!

Halt!

- Hands on top of your head. - Alright, alright.

We got 'em. Hook, line, and sinker.

Yeah.

You invent a way to get us out of these?

- I'll think about it. - You'll have plenty of time.

- Let's go. - Let's go.

At least I know I can stay here now.

Yeah, thanks to our in-house law firm.

Yeah, but I might have moved into that house of Steve's

and saved my rent for a whole year till he sold the place

and have a pretty big bankroll to invest.

But on the other hand..

There's no place like home.

You said it.

Hey, everything's gone.

Charlie tell you she was leaving?

Oh, excuse me, guys. Forgot my drying rack.

Hey, Charlie, why didn't you tell us you--

Oh, hey, Steve, we were just talking about you.

Well, I'm helping Charlie move.

Yeah, but wait a minute, she can, uh

keep her own apartment now.

Yeah, her boss gave her a bonus

for saving that satchel from the bandits.

That's right, Charlie, you're not moving out

of the building, are you? We won.

I know, but Steve has this perfectly darling mansion.

Three of my girlfriends and I are going to move in.

We can help him fix the roof, paint the place, guard it

and all we have to pay are the utilities.

We can save all our rent for, say, a year till he sells

the place and think of all the money we'll have to invest.

Yeah, quite a bit.

So, thanks for everything, Ponch. See you guys.

See you guys.

- Well, there goes a mansion. - Yeah.

- There goes a girlfriend. - Yeah.

And there goes my shower.