Original subtitles

Hey, whatever happened to Poncherello?

'Some sergeant made him chairman'

of the entertainment committee for the CHP benefit.

He's out, looking for stars.

You go right, and you go..

Hey, aren't you..

...Ed McMahon?

Whoa! Hey!

I'm terribly sorry.

Stop him! Stop him!

You were going too fast to let go

and you were going too fast for the cars behind you

to stop in case you spilled.

'They would have rolled right over you.'

Now, you get the idea?

- I'm fine.

OH, Mark took a little skating trip on the freeway.

On the freeway?

But I don't think it was intentional.

We teach skating. Roller disco.

Have you girls heard about

"Skate With The Stars, Charity Spectacular"?

Sure. We've seen the posters.

I'm entertainment chairman.

Okay. Let's try it out.

'Okay. Down!'

The next guy that tailgates me

is in for a big surprise.

'Yeah, we know. We'd love to do your show. Yeah.'

Look, I'm telling you, Frankie, there's no way.

Oh, yeah, yeah. He really gets off doing your show.

Yeah, Merv. Yeah, looking forward to seeing you. Bye.

Look, I'm not indestructible.

My manager-agent should know that most of all.

I'm not indestructible.

Okay, Mr. Tailgater.

Medics are on their way. Just take it easy, sir.

Take it easy Do you know who this is?

This is Jimmy Tyler!

Tyler, the rock star?

Weren't you the two that helped me out?

Uh, yeah. I'm one of your biggest fans.

If there's anything I can do to help you guys out

to say thank you.

Do you roller

I'm in a kind of a bind. I need stars.

Celebrities, for a very big, benefit show.

Celebrities? Hey, celebrities. I know them all.

I mean, I know what they had for breakfast.

Send your sister this..

You know something? You guys sure got dumped.

Hey, what's wrong? What do you mean?

You think I'm stealing from you?

Well, then an outside audit shouldn't bother you.

It's done a lot.

Yeah? Well, not with us. Go ahead. Go ahead!

Okay? Go ahead. Look at everything.

I don't need you. I can handle my own affairs.

Cancel all the contracts!

Yeah, we didn't have a contract! We did it all with a handshake.

Well, then cancel the handshake.

'Hey! Somebody stop her!'

Stop her!

'All units, vicinity Venice to smash-and-grab 2-11'

'just occurred at Fields Discount Jewelry'

'Pacific Avenue.'

Fuzz. Go.

You guys sure got faked out.

You and your partner, too.

'Hey, wait a minute, Mark.'

I'm going to give you an inside secret.

That is, if you can handle it.

The good guys don't win every round, alright?

That's some news flash.

Our, uh, doubting groupie caught us in action again.

Big hero-image example we're setting for him, huh?

Yeah, first time since I've been riding

that I felt at a disadvantage.

You know, Jon, I got a plan.

Yeah?

But it involves the girls.

Oh, brother, that isn't a plan.

That's desire.

Nothing like a nice, organic, vegetarian dinner, huh?

I'm going into withdrawal.

So, if you don't mind, I think I'll go split

and, uh, get a chili dog.

Please.

Where do we start?

Well, we were planning on, uh..

...getting acquainted with the town.

Yeah, how about the side streets off of Pacific

near that jewelry store?

Okay.

Well, you guys satisfied?

Well, we won't be satisfied till we catch the characters

but at least now, we know how they gave us the slip.

And that won't be so easy to do next time

if we get another chance at them.

Well, you want to come in for a cup of coffee?

You must be tired.

- Oh, yeah, that'd be great. - No, no, no.

I mean, thanks, but we ought to check out the rehearsal.

Rehearsal? For what?

'Part of a benefit show, a roller beauty-pageant.'

Ah, showbiz. I love it.

Hey, Ponch, look, you don't have Ed McMahon

you don't have Jimmy Tyler..

Hey, if I can get Ed McMahon

you should be able to get Jimmy Tyler.

If? If, if. You never learn.

Right.

Poncherello.

Hey, Joe, good to see you.

Yeah, you, maybe.

Why do I get this terrible feeling

that Frank here, is avoiding me?

Me

Well, let's just say that you're having trouble

lining up the stars.

I mean, the cellist from the Oxnard String Quartet

'isn't exactly John Travolta.'

Are you forgetting about Ed McMahon?

Yeah, okay. Well, that's one star.

- Yeah, alright.

'Listen up, girls. The audience participation-stunt'

'will be right after the parade'

but since we've got so many guys here

why don't we practice it right now?

Okay. This will be for timing.

Okay? Not for skating.

So, what I want you to do is go up into the stands

get yourself a guy, and get him back down on the floor.

'And let's all try to move together when the music starts.'

Grossie, you ready?

Okay, Bonnie!

Girls, go get 'em. Come on.

What was that?

Oh, uh , let's see, that's about, uh..

...E

Guess it was just too quiet.

Yeah, well, uh, you seemed to be able to sleep through the wreck.

I wasn't just tired in that car wreck. I was stone beat.

'Well, I'll be out of here in about 30 minutes'

so, uh, you can sleep all day

You know, I really appreciate this.

You know, this place is like heaven.

Well..

...hey, listen, Jimmy, uh, you know

if I'm prodding into your business, let me know, but..

...I don't understand, what seems to be the big problem?

Well, in one word, Balford.

Oh, he's stealing from you. That's what you think?

Stealing my life. That's what I'm sick of.

I mean, the guy runs my life for me.

Just once, just once, I'd like to make a decision on my own.

'A concert date, a talk show, an album, anything.'

I feel things.

I'm not just a piece of merchandise.

I guess that's what they call an identity crisis, huh?

Hey, don't you start putting me down, too, alright?

No, no. Listen, you're a household name.

I mean, you know, you're a millionaire

You own a Rolls-Royce, you own a yacht

and you have a den full of gold records

so, forgive me if I have a problem

relating to your problem.

You want to talk money? Let me tell you something.

I haven't had five bucks in my pocket in five years.

You know why, 'cause Balford doesn't think

I can be trusted with it.

I'm catching on.

I'm just sick of the guy.

But all that's going to change

'cause from now on, Imake the decisions.

'Idecide.'

And that's my decision.

'Did I say the concert was off? I did not.'

No! That's got nothing to do with me.

Certainly, the concert's still on.

Well, you better have it, because I'm plugging it

on three talk shows this week.

Do I sound like a guy who's had a nervous breakdown?

It's just a rumor.

You can't let a rumor like that

interfere with a contractual obligation.

Right, you just take care of the local promotion

and I'll take care of filling the seats.

Right. Goodbye.

Hello?

Speaking.

Oh, hi, Merv.

Hey, listen, I've got this great idea for a gag.

You come on, and you lip-sync the lyrics to my new single

and then we duet.

Is that a trip?

Great. I-I love it.

Alright. I'll see you at the studio at 3 o'clock.

Alright. Bye.

Wait a minute. I can't be at the studio at 3 o'clock.

I've got an interview at..

Hello? Speaking.

Yeah.

Houston?

Let me see. Um..

Well, you know I can't be at two places at once.

Yeah. I'm in New York on the tenth.

Oh. Well, Houston's just a rehearsal, isn't it?

Oh, it is.

Well, look, let me check through my notes

and I'll call you right back.

Right. Bye.

Brian, give me a hand with this fan mail.

Brian?

Carlin, I, I get thirsty and..

Well, where are you gonna find a market on the, on the freeway?

Do you hear that clown behind me

Oh, no. Here we go again.

Hold on!

'Units vicinity of 405 at Venice'

'a hit-and-run, 11-83 on the freeway.'

'Suspect vehicle, a Dodge, green over black'

'last seen, southbound toward Washington.'

Cop!

Let me handle this.

Afternoon, officer.

Alright. Get out of the car.

Turn around and put your hands on your head.

Aren't you guys a little old to be playing

the skidder game, huh?

Franco.

Franco! Hey, my neck. Look!

My neck. It's fine. I'm cured. I'm cured!

Don't listen to him! He's nuttier than a fruitcake!

What's that make you? You were with him.

Listen..

...my neck.

It's my neck!

Hey, what's he got? Little whiplash Huh?

Now you know how it feels! Huh?

I'll call an ambulance, Jon.

I'm gonna sue you, Carlin.

I'm suing you for every dime!

It's in my head!

Well, come over here and get this collar, Franco.

You're gonna need it.

I'm gonna take this to the supreme court!

The manager's gonna report this, man.

I'm gonna lose my lease.

Well, would you complain if that was Roy Clark?

Sure, if he raised this kind of disturbance.

Linda Ronstadt?

See how my life goes, I-I-I try and get some quiet, and--

You call this quiet, I mean, this is about as quiet

as World War III.

Well, in my business, it's quiet.

And those fans outside

I don't know where they came from

but I owe them everything.

Jimmy, uh...who brought all this stuff up here?

Well, I had some guys deliver it.

I knew you wouldn't mind.

Listen, I had some gourmet food brought in, all on me.

Hey, go ahead, Ponch. Have what you want.

Hey, look, Jimmy, uh, you said you wanted a place to be alone

to rest, to hide.

Right. This is great. I-I feel safe here.

Hello? Yeah, this is him.

It's a call I made to London.

England?

Uh, hey, partner.

Hello. London?

I don't know. What do you think?

If it's a good investment, go ahead.

Look, just don't bug me with stuff like this.

'Look, why, why do I have to call you?'

'Why don't you call me?'

Look, he wants me to buy pork bellies.

I don't even know what they are.

Jimmy, uh, I just talked to the manager, man.

I mean, the neighbors are complaining

about the uproar in here.

The music is too loud.

Look, I-I-I'm really sorry.

I just can't keep track of everything.

And those fans out there, man.

This is not a recording studio or a stage.

This is a place where people want to live.

Excuse me.

Hello?

'No, Mr. Tyler is not in.'

I don't know when he'll be back.

Okay. Thank you.

Why don't you just leave it off the hook?

I can't, because I'm on call.

And that brings up another point, you tying up the phone.

Look, I'm sorry. Balford's giving them the number here.

I-I've got investments, I've got itineraries..

...a-all kinds of things I don't even know about.

Come on, Jimmy. I mean..

...that's a table, that's a lamp, I'm a cop.

I mean, you're a singer

I mean, if you were a two-headed genius with six arms

you couldn't do all this stuff by yourself.

Jon, don't do this to me. I just need time.

Alright, you have the time..

...but not here.

Man, this is my home. Get an office.

I'm not into that. I can't.

Well, then, hire a secretary or an accountant, attorney

'something, man!'

Jon, you're doingit to me.

Look, if you mean Balford, no.

I mean, I don't want you to take back somebody

that's stealing from you.

Frank's never stolen a nickel in his life.

Yeah, well, maybe he hasn't.

If he's so great, then, uh..

...why couldn't he get some stars for Ponch's benefit show?

Do you know how hard it is to get stars?

People calling you all the time.

I mean, I could do benefits every night

if it wasn't for Frank to take..

Jon, you did it to me, didn't you?

Come on, Jimmy.

I mean, you tell me you're tired, man

yet, you take on all this extra work.

That you, that you want to run your own life.

What do you really mean?

I could probably get you some stars for the benefit.

Well, that'll make my partner real happy.

Now, you wanna make me happy?

I owe you.

Why don't you tell those fans to

be quiet and go on home?

Do you want me to clear out?

Well, not till you get your head together.

Then I'll stay.

It's my decision.

Want to turn to page 32 in your contract.

Page 32. Yeah, I'll hold.

Come in!

'Okay. Look, it's in simple language.'

'I mean, we supply the album, you supply--'

'Hey, what's so hard about that?'

You pay for the expense, and we get the album.

I'm not his manager anymore. I'm sorry.

If you want adjustment call Jimmy himself.

He's handling his own affairs.

What can I tell you, pal? Goodbye.

That's the end of that problem. What's yours?

You threw me a curve.

I contacted all the names you gave me

for Skate With The Stars.

You know how many takers I got?

Zero, man. Not one.

I can't understand it.

I mean, those are all friends of mine.

Well, half of them already think

you kicked the bucket, Mr. Balford.

And most of them haven't heard from you in years.

Tybal Productions. Speaking.

'And now Jimmy Tyler's big hit, "Give In"!'

♪ I know you want me, no need to act shy ♪

♪ So don't turn your head when I'm passing by ♪

♪ You say to yourself, girl ♪

The first big hit.

♪ But girl don't you know you'll be with me tonight ♪

♪ In spite of yourself ♪

Figure that'll solve it, huh?

Just turn him off.

What do you know about it?

I know about being partners.

These are Jimmy's things. I better get them packed.

You run everything out of this office, huh?

You know, I expected something lush...

...with a bunch of secretaries.

Yeah? Well, that was the idea.

Keep expenses down. Pay as you go.

Two-man operation.

Yeah, but now you're a conglomerate and, uh..

...you're still running things out of your hip pocket.

Do you want to know why nobody knows who I am?

Because I've spent all my time

making Jimmy Tyler what he is today.

Tired, lonesome, confused.

Tell me something, Mr. Balford.

'If you have been so busy masterminding all this'

how long has it been since you had a talk with Jimmy Tyler?

I mean talked to Jimmy Tyler.

It's a good song, "Give in."

Yeah, that's, uh..

That's our first pressing.

Yeah, we used to laugh how it went by always.

I, uh..

I was looking for a singer I could build and, uh..

He was looking for a manager he could trust.

Next case.

- Yeah.

You know, like some people keep the first dollar they make

first ticket they write.

Hey, there's a charity group called

Actors and Others for Animals. They're pretty nifty.

If I can get them, I'll give you a call, okay?

Please, don't call.

Just come and bring them.

Oh, Mr. Balford

it may cost you to hire assistants..

...but it's a lot cheaper than losing friends.

I got a bad feeling about this setup, Romo.

After this job, I've had it.

Look, man, we've saved almost $2,000

from selling these credit cards.

I mean, maybe after we show Lita all this money

we can quit this stuff.

Maybe.

But I'm just gonna take my share

and I quit.

We've been together a long time, bro.

You quit, I quit.

There you go. Have a nice day.

Hi.

Smile, honey, and start counting out bills.

'Units in the Venice area, silent alarm.'

'Possible 2-11 in progress at the bank'

'Venice traffic circle.'

7 Mary 3 and 4 responding.

Halt!

Hold it!

Take it easy.

This is the pits.

Busted by a meter maid.

You have the right to remain silent.

Why not use it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Why don't you wait for water skis?

Want me to pull you out?

That was really terrific!

Class A chase. First-boat all the way.

I'll tell you something, Mark.

The bad guys win some of the battles

but good guys do their homework, they win most of the wars.

'Welcome, everybody, to the CHP'

'Skate With The Stars benefit!'

'Come on, everyone, put on those skates'

'get down, and skate with the stars, alright!'

'We got Melissa Sue Anderson and Nancy Kulp.'

'Lee Meriwether's skating tonight.'

'And there's Robert Mandan'

'and Cindy Williams!'

'Todd Bridges.'

'George Peppard!'

'Dan Haggerty's with us tonight.'

Hey, how you doing, buddy?

Good. How are you doing, man?

'Hey, there's Buddy Smolch!'

'Dana Plato!'

'Antonio Fargas!'

'Even Johnnie Ray's skating tonight!'

'Get down. Barbara Lewis having a good time.'

'Earl Holliman!'

'Hey, Cindy!'

'What a fantastic night, folks. Come on!'

'Get on those skates and dance with our stars.'

'You know who we got tonight? Why, we have with us tonight'

'Vic Tayback, Jo Ann Pflug, Richard Hatch'

'Gwynne Gilford, Peter Lupus.

'They're all out to help tonight.'

'Doctor Love, Andrew Prine'

'Victor French, Madelyn Rue'

'Peter Marshall, Jackie Wilson.'

'Tonight you can boogie with Jo Anne Worley, Tina Louise'

'Michael Paul, Ruth Buzzi, Susan Richardson.'

'They're all on skates tonight!'

'Dick Van Patten, Adam Rich'

'Brett Somers, Vivian Blaine, and Dody Goodman.'

'So come on, everybody! Skate with the stars!'

Well, it's a full house, and they're still coming.

Tell Frank I take back everything I said about him.

Well, there he is. Why don't you tell him yourself?

Of course, I don't think it'd register.

Amazing. I never knew Ponch had so many friends.

- Yeah, that makes two of us.

Well, time for the beauty contest. Excuse me.

Hey, uh..

Smile pretty, huh?

Funny, Jon.

I better go check on my judges.

And now, ladies and gentlemen

relax and enjoy as your California highway patrol

brings you the world's first roller disco beauty contest!

Hey, let's hear it for your favorites, okay?

'Our judges tonight are Andrew Prine, Lee Meriwether'

'Todd Bridges, Melissa Sue Anderson'

'Richard Paul, and Ruth Buzzi.'

Hey, it's about time. I was starting to get worried.

What did I miss?

Uh, beauty contest. I think they got a winner.

Any of my friends show up?

Everybody you called plus some. Come on.

You better get on up there, alright?

'Here to crown the roller beauty queen'

'the president of Actors and Others for Animals'

'Mr. Earl Holliman!'

Thank you.

Thank you.

Congratulations.

Thank you.

Let's hear it for Cindy!

And now, ladies and gentlemen

the great Jimmy Tyler!

♪ I know you want me no need to act shy ♪

♪ So don't turn your head when I'm passing by ♪

♪ You say to yourself girl that it isn't right ♪

♪ But girl don't you know you'll be with me tonight ♪

♪ In spite of yourself

♪ You really need what I'm wanting to give ♪

♪ Give in

♪ In to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I wanna enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

♪ In to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I wanna enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

♪ I know you need me and I know why ♪

♪ So girl don't you think we should give it a try ♪

♪ Don't be concerned what your mama might say ♪

♪ 'Cause you know you'll do what you want anyway ♪

♪ Be good to yourself

♪ 'Cause love is a thing that you're longing to give ♪

♪ Give in

♪ Give in to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I wanna enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

♪ Give in to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I wanna enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

Jimmy's here. Why didn't you tell me?

Oh, he asked me not to.

He was afraid you wouldn't show up.

- See ya. - Hey, hold it. Not so fast.

What's next, handcuffs?

Don't tempt me, huh?

♪ Give in

♪ Give in to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I wanna enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

♪ Give in to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I want to enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go give in ♪

♪ Give in to all the fire in your heart ♪

♪ Give in

♪ You know I want to enter every part ♪

♪ Of your heart and soul

♪ Let yourself go ♪

And now, music lovers..

...let's boogie!

Hey.

Jimmy Tyler, this is..

Frank Balford.

Hi, kid. What do you do?

Sing, play a little music.

It wasn't bad.

Not bad at all.

I could make you a star, you know.

You think so?

It's possible.

I need someone to handle the business end.

I'm no good at that.

Well, I'm, uh, I'm hiring some people.

Maybe we could spend some time together

and, you know, maybe be friends.

I think we can let them go, huh?