Original subtitles

♪ In our secret backyard we can make your day more fun and less hard ♪

♪ No more frowning Let's get learning ABC's and 1-2-3's ♪

♪ Everything from words to weather ♪

♪ We'll discover them ♪

♪ Together ♪

Woof!

Because he's still sick, Ma.

- He can't keep anything down, and he's runnin' a temperature. - ♪

What am I supposed to do? My shift starts in a half an hour.

♪ Every day's a new beginning All your friends are here and grinning ♪

♪ 'Cause it's Smile Time ♪

No, Ma. I can't.

That's right! ♪ You're on Smile Time ♪

Oh, good. She's gone. ♪

Okay, Tommy. You know what to do.

Tommy, you should never break a promise.

You don't wanna be a bad apple, do you? Come on.

You know Smile Time isn't free.

Now, get over here and touch it.

♪ All your friends are here and grinning 'cause it'sSmile Time ♪

That's it, Tommy. Come on.

Touch it. ♪

Oh! Oh! Ah.

That's it. Oh, yeah. Good boy, Tommy.

Oh. Ah.

Okay, Tommy. Grammy's gonna be here in a few hours.

And listen. I don't want you watching that crap all day long.

♪ 'Cause it'sSmile Time ♪ That's right! ♪ You're onSmile-- ♪

Courier brought this in. Looks medical.

Oh, right. Good.

So what do ya got? Mini epidemic here in L.A.

Eleven children between the ages of five and eight...

hospitalized due to collapse over the last three weeks.

None of them have woken up.

I'm working under the assumption that this thing is mystical in nature.

Why's that?

Right. Could be The Joker.

From the comic books?

Just tryin' to think outside the box.

I know Valentine's was last week, but, um, I didn't take the discount on the card.

Thanks. Um, we talked about this.

I was thinking maybe we could talk about it again.

I'm sorry, Knox, but you have work to do.

I do.

Hey. Hey.

Back for the Wolfram and Hart Bed and Breakfast?

Full moon cycle starts tonight. In 38 minutes, actually.

Had a little snag getting out of the house.

Haven't told your sister yet? Not the sort of thing that's easy to jump to in conversation.

"Oh, by the way, Jill, I've been a werewolf for four months."

I told her I was going camping in the desert again.

She's starting to worry I've turned into some New Agey, moon-worshipping Wicca person.

Might be relieved to find out you're just a werewolf.

- Hey there, Nina. We've got your suite ready. - It's okay, Harmony.

I'll take her. Bye.

Harmony, did you get a receipt from the county clerk...

on that filing I did for the Wayburn case?

Oh, yeah. Clerk's office called, said you filed the wrong papers.

What? Yeah.

You sent them a motion for change of venue instead of a motion to dismiss.

Unless you meant to do that--

some kind of tricky lawyer maneuvering you're trying to pull.

That it? Yeah. Keep 'em on their toes.

Seems like you're gettin' used to the routine though.

Yeah. In a weird way, I'm starting to like it.

These stay-overs, I mean. Not the going all hairy part, but-- I don't know-- coming here.

There's always something interesting going on-- and getting to see you.

I look forward to that-- you.

All month, actually. Uh, um, I should probably close the cage.

What?

- Insurance thing. - Oh, right.

Okay. Um, bye.

Anyway, I was thinking--

I mean, what are you doing for breakfast tomorrow?

Oh, you know-- drinkin' blood.

Right. Yeah.

Uh, see ya.

- She asked me to breakfast. - Breakfast?

Right.

How did you respond?

Well, of course, I...

ignored it completely,

changed the subject and locked her in a cage.

Sorry. What? Wes, it wasn't just breakfast.

You know, it was... breakfast.

We had this very good, platonic thing goin' on, and then all of a sudden, out of the blue--

Are you blind? Angel, there are things called signals.

Odorless, yes. Invisible, certainly. But unmistakable.

- Like the ones she's been casting your way for months. - No. I would've noticed.

This isn't just from me. This comes from people who know.

- This comes from the ladies. - The ladies?

Fred, Harmony, the girls in transcription.

As Harmony put it, "Why else would a chick...

who's coming to spend three nights in a jail cell dress like it's her first date?"

Oh, God. The ladies are right.

Nina's down there right now turning into a werewolf and liking me.

I don't-- I can't-- I have no time for that kind of--

I have no right. I mean, look. We all know what happens if--

If what? If you achieve a moment of perfect happiness?

- I turn back into Angelus, and we don't want that.

- What? - 99.999 ad infinitum percent...

of the best relationships in the recorded history of the world...

have had to make do with acceptable happiness.

- Look, Wes-- - Hiding behind your gypsy curse when there's a beautiful,

engaging-- all right, occasionally hirsute-- young woman...

who actually wants you?

- Wes, it's not gonna happen. - Why? - Because I'm not that guy.

That guy is charming and funny and... emotionally useful.

I'm the guy in the dark corner with the blood habit and the 200 years of psychic baggage.

- Get over it! - Why are you yelling at me?

Because!

Angel, if there's a woman out there...

who you find truly attractive...

who you think about, let's say, most of the time,

who represents even part of what you think makes the world worth fighting for...

and who doesn't view you...

as an entirely sexless shoulder to lean on,

you have to do something about it.

- Who are we talkin' about here? - Fred.

Hey, guys. Uh, I think I have a case.

Thank God. A children's epidemic. Seven kids comatose,

each with a semi-rictus of the facial muscles.

- I haven't been able to isolate a causative agent. - You think it's mystical?

Well, I've been down the strictly physiological route, number-crunched victims' charts,

even had our hospital contacts send over blood samples.

I've pulled their plasma apart. No indicators on the cellular or subcellular levels.

- TV. - What?

Parents said all the kids collapsed between 7:00 and--

it looks like 7:30 a.m.

And all of them in front of the TV. Hmm.

That could be something. But I'd still like to get a handle on the pathology.

Good. I'll follow up on this lead. I'll need to clear my schedule.

These kids need help.

Wow. He really jumped on that one.

Yes. He is a bit jumpy. He's realized Nina has feelings for him.

- Well, it took long enough. - He can be rather dense.

Um, by the way, my car is in the shop again,

and I was thinking... Of course.

maybe you and I, we could--

Yes. Miss Burkle needs a driver to take her home tonight.

That's right. 511 Windward Circle.

All the signals are there, jefe, loud and clear.

- Nina definitely wants a piece of Angelcake. - Can we get back to the job?

Your wish, dreamboat, my command.

- I know most of the show runners in town, and none of them...

are really up to this sort of big-league, sinister--

Hey. 7:00 to 7:30?

Yeah. That'd be funny.

- You know, if it wasn't. - What?

Real popular kids' show in the SoCal regional market.

- It's in the right time slot, the right demographic. - What's it called?

Smile Time.

You shouldn't...

be here.

Huh?

Practical Science.

Uh, Fred? Oh, hi, Angel.

- About the epidemic. It might not be mystical after all. - Do you think you could--

Knox found a systematic endocrine dysfunction common with all the children...

similar to the effects of an obscure rain forest pathogen, Fred?

so I put a call in to the C.D.C., and--

Fred! Believe me, it's mystical.

- - Angel?

You all right? You sounded weird on the phone.

Yes. Is there a problem? Oh, there's a problem.

Whoa.

Angel? Is that you?

Oh, my God! Angel, you're...

cute.

Fred, don't. Oh, but the little hands! And the hair.

Hey! You're fired.

Sorry I am late, gang, but-- What's with the big... puppet?

- Angel, what happened?

I'm not sure. I went over to Smile Time last night.

I think their office is under some kind of spell. I could feel it trying to get at me.

I shook it off, but then I met this guy with a towel over his head,

and something exploded.

I woke up like this.

Clearly some sort of hex...

or a powerful warding magic.

- Maybe you have some type of puppet cancer. - I do not have puppet cancer!

Come on, guys. This is serious. I'm a puppet, and there are children's lives at--

Hey, it's Smile Time!

Stupid plastic piece of crap!

What?

Angel, it's okay.

This transformation may have altered your stress-response mechanism.

- What? - He's saying you have the proportionate excitability...

of a puppet your size.

Oh, hey there. Hi.

Oh, looks like Polo has a case of the grumpies. He sure does, Groofus,

and mean old Mr. Fish-and-Chips said that Polo won't win the race tomorrow...

no matter how hard he tries.

Uh-huh.

And I feel just awful. What if Mr. Fish-and-Chips is right?

Tracy, record the program that's running on channel 12 right now.

Use everything. I'm gonna need a full spectrum analysis.

♪ Self-esteem is for everybody ♪

♪ Self-esteem is for everyone ♪

♪ You can dream and be anybody ♪

♪ But self-esteem is how you get it done ♪

♪ Self-esteem is how you get it done ♪

- Wes, put the special ops team on red alert. - Red alert?

I want helicopters and tear gas. This is war!

Angel, baby, muppet, pumpkin, this show is number one in its time slot.

Tykes love it all across the Southland. We can't just toss a jihad at the studio.

No. Right. Lorne, who runs Smile Time?

Oh, that's Gregor Framkin. Yeah, real rags to riches.

Started out in a garage with a couple of used couches and a glue gun.

He turned it into a puppet gold mine.

Yeah. Great. You and Gunn go over and meet with Framkin,

put some pressure on him, see if he cracks, let him know we're onto him.

Fred, Wes, I need you to figure out what Framkin did to those kids and to me.

Absolutely.

♪ Oh, uh, guys,

this condition of mine--

It's classified until further notice, okay?

♪ Self-esteem is for everybody ♪

♪ Self-esteem is for everyone ♪

♪ You can dream and be anybody ♪

♪ But self-esteem is how you get it done ♪

Angel?

- Angel?

Damn it!

You-- Are you under your desk?

No. I-- Yes.

So was there something-- Well, I can see you're...

busy.

Listen. What I put out there last night--

I don't know. If it was a problem, please-- Nope. No problem.

Um, is there a reason why you won't look at me?

- 'Cause I'm under my desk. - Angel--

- Nina, would you mind getting out of here? - All right.

Sorry, I guess.

Nightmare.

Hey, big guy.

Need another car. I'm afraid this last one ended up in the drink.

- Spike-- - Look at you.

- Just turn around and walk away. - You're a--

- Spike! - You're a bloody puppet!

You're a wee little puppet man!

Ow! Hey, that's enough.

Angel, what the hell happened to you?

- You look ridiculous. - Get out of here, Spike.

- Oh, my God. Angel, you're a-- - Shut up.

What are you people lookin' at? Well?

- They're lookin' at the wee little puppet man.

Whoa! Whoa. Whoa.

Stupid limey piece of crap!

Yes, I'm a puppet. It doesn't mean you don't have work to do.

Harmony, get my call list.

Um-- And Spike needs a car.

You heard the puppet.

Mr. Framkin?

Hi there. Oh.

Excuse me for not getting up. Bit glued in at the moment.

Mr. Framkin, we've been tracking an epidemic that's affecting a great many--

- Cocoa? - What?

I can have some cocoa brought in. Extra yummy.

- Got those itty-bitty marshmallows. - Ooh, those are good.

Listen, Santa. You can keep your tempting beverages to yourself. We're here from--

Wolfram and Hart. Yes. I've heard of it.

And of you. You've made quite an impression in our little industry.

So much accomplishment despite your unfortunate deformities.

- Deformi-what? - We have a song here at Smile Time...

that reminds me of your courage and pluck.

It's called "Courage and Pluck." It goes a little like this:

♪ Oh, courage and pluck courage and pluck ♪

Okay, Framkin. Enough. We're onto you, understand?

- We're gonna shut you down. - Oh, my. On what grounds?

Well, for starters, violations of the provisions of section five-- five--

68-C set forth in chapter 15 of the children's--

TV thing.

- You turned my boss into a frickin' puppet. - I disagree.

- Yeah, but-- You what? - And if your intent is to pressure me,

extort money, do any of the things your firm is famous for,

well, I'm afraid you're in for a fight.

Yeah? Well, a fight suits us just fine, Papa Smurf.

We're gonna let the entire world know what you're up to.

"Up to"? Gentlemen, I bring joy and laughter to children.

You bring tax exemptions to nasty corporations, acquittals to the guilty.

Frankly, I doubt the world wants to hear from you.

Come on, Lorne. We're through talkin' to this hump of garbage.

Oop. No name-calling at Smile Time.

Bad person!

Buh-bye now.

Get everybody in here. We got a problem.

Okay. Which one of you short-bus bastards...

turned the C.E.O. of Wolfram and Hart into a puppet?

- Duh--

- What do you mean, it wasn't us?

Ratio's right. This Angel cat must have been the dude that broke into the Don't Room.

- That's what I'm sayin'.

He messed with the nest egg.

Stupid jackass. Might as well walk into a nuclear reactor and lick the core.

I mean, anything could've happened to him, to us, to--

You just don't mess around with the nest egg!

Maybe we should take the spell off a couple of our workers, you know,

so they could actually see an intruder?

Yeah. Damn zombies can't even work a camera.

Doesn't matter. The nest egg's already got enough power in it...

to keep our cloaking spells up and running, make our connections with the kiddies,

even turn this Angel guy into a puppet.

Which is definitely gonna bite us in the ass.

Then we make sure our ass ain't here to bite.

- What? - Ratio has perfected our little system.

- Tomorrow we go on the air, and instead of...

draining one brat's life force at a time,

we can take out our whole demographic in one fell swoop.

- So tomorrow's gonna be a pretty big show, huh?

- The biggest. - Cool. 'Cause I been workin' on this great new song...

about the difference between analogy and metaphor.

- Man! - Are you out of your mind?

- Well, we want it to be good, don't we? - We eat babies' lives!

And uphold a certain standard of quality "edu-tainment."

Screw "edu-tainment." The life force we're pullin' out of these snot-nosed kids...

is 100% pure innocence, dick wad!

You have any idea of the street value that carries down in hell?

- Damn right we're gonna be rich.

Enough to build our very own Hades.

I gotta admit, I like the sound of that. Mm-hmm.

After tomorrow's harvest, we're gonna torch this crap hole...

and blow town before the rafters fall.

Please... let me--

- Someone say you could join in? - Let me die.

Ah.

Ohh.

Are you sayin' you wanna talk to the hand?

Oh, I think he does.

Come on, fat boy. Why don't you talk to the hand?

- Make him swallow his tongue again.

Uh, Nina?

Angel?

Yeah. Sort of.

Uh, listen. I wanna apologize about the way I treated you this morning.

Look, Angel. I understand. I'm pretty sure you don't.

You've got this whole complicated, important life going on,

and the last thing you need to deal with is a crush from Monster Girl,

some charity case you were nice enough to--

Nina--

- Oh. - I was turned into a puppet last night.

I, uh--

Wow.

Are you-- Are you okay?

I'm made of felt.

And my nose comes off.

I don't know what to say. My people are workin' on the problem.

I'm sure they'll fix it... eventually.

I didn't mean to upset you this morning. I just didn't want anyone--

Well, I didn't want you to see me this way.

It's a little, uh, embarrassing, I guess.

I'd call it a little insane,

but what do you care what people think anyway?

Angel, you're you, you know?

You're this-- I mean, God, you're an actual hero.

And, I don't know, this may sound cliché coming from an art school chick,

but the vampire thing's kind of sexy.

It all sounds good, but that's not how I feel.

I know. That's what I like about you.

Yeah. I'm not very good at any of this.

I've spent so much time worrying about the past...

and the future and my very complicated life.

It's been a while since I've looked up and really saw what was goin' on around me.

It's not my strong suit, you know, but I'm workin' on it.

I'm payin' better attention to--

Geez! No! No, Nina! Bad Nina!

Lorne!

- My little prince!

- Ohh.

What did they do to you? Nina...

tried to... eat me.

Medic! You're gonna make it, Angel.

Just don't stop fighting. Doctor!

Is there a Geppetto in the house?

Good. Good.

With you in a minute.

So, I want you to keep those glasses on for a full week,

give those fancy new retinas time to adjust.

See you in 14 days. X-ray vision. Very now.

- Something's wrong with the implant you gave me. - I doubt that. Gunn, isn't it?

Well, let's take a look.

♪ Ah. The imprint is fading. Don't blink.

The neural path modification has almost completely reverted.

I'm losin' it. The law. The languages. The strategy.

Acute Flowers for Algernon syndrome.

It must be sheer torture. Well, fix it. Put it back.

Well, no offense, counselor,

but your insurance plan wouldn't cover what I charge to wash my hands.

You were given that upgrade 'cause the senior partners wanted you to have it.

And if you're losing it, well, they wanted that too.

- Why would they do that?

You never know with them.

I can't lose this-- this power, these skills.

- They've changed me, given me-- - Meaning?

And to have it taken away-- It's heartbreaking.

Though I do think Cliff Robertson captured the poignance of it more elegantly.

I'm not goin' back to who I was. Well, maybe, maybe not.

See, I, uh-- I always have a few things going on the side.

Currently I have a lot...

of capital sunk into a shipment that's being held up at Customs.

Drugs? Goodness, no. I make my own drugs.

No. Just an ancient curio-- a collectible I hope to turn a profit on.

If I was to give you the permanent upgrade,

I'd say that you'd be more than able to cut through all of my red tape problems.

I don't make deals with people like you.

Believe me, Charles. I don't make deals with people like you.

Not the person you really are-- the ignorant street muscle.

The high school dropout. I would, however,

love to make a deal with Charles Gunn, attorney at law.

And now it's time for Action Math News,

with your Action Math experts, Ratio Hornblower and Groofus.

Thank you, Polo. Our top story this morning.

Two plus two is four.

And in related news, four plus four is eight!

It could be the lack of sleep talking, but...

I'm really starting to like this show.

I know what you mean. What time is it?

4:00 a.m. and counting.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did you want-- Ah, it's all right.

- 'Cause I could-- - No. Really.

All right. What are we missing?

I guess we should go back and comb through the signal spread,

check all the tracks again.

Again? What's up with you two? The tracks are clear. We ran it through every filter we've got.

- That's not how magic works, Knox. - Really, Merlin?

- Then how does magic work? - You know what? I think we can handle it from here.

You should go home, Knox, get some rest. I don't want to abandon ship.

It's okay. Somebody's gotta be awake enough to run the lab tomorrow.

Seriously. Go home. Okay.

I love this one.

♪ And even in the length of a yo-yo string ♪

♪ There's a little bit of math in everything ♪

♪ One plus one is two and two plus two is four ♪

So how's it going with you and Knox?

- I know you were starting to-- - Started and stopped, actually.

- Really? - Yeah. We went out a few times,

but I don't know--

So you stopped it?

Yeah. He-- He's nice enough, but...

I think he's been working here too long.

Plus, he doesn't make me laugh at all. I mean, he tries, but--

I see. You're looking for someone funny.

A certain kind of funny, yeah.

But I'm not looking for so much as looking at--

Hang on. Go back a second.

There's something different. Maybe if we bring up the volume.

♪ To the arc of a swing ♪

♪ And even in the length ♪

Polo isn't singing with the rest of them.

It looks like he's talking to the audience. Yes.

When the song is playing, it acts as a sort of cloaking spell,

allowing Framkin to address his target without being seen by the rest of his viewers.

- So that's how he's been hiding it. - That's how he was hiding it.

Stupid fingers.

Stupid string.

It's all in the broadcast. Some very nuanced magic, but we found it... finally.

- Angel, what happened? - Uh, nothing.

It's not important. Just doesn't matter.

- Go on. - It's a hidden carrier wave masked by a spell...

that turns the TV into a two-way conduit with direct access to the viewer.

That's how he's been draining energy from the children.

And judging from the strength of yesterday's signal--

- Framkin's ready to take out the whole audience. - The object you described...

in that secret room is most likely a repository for the children's life force.

We'll have to break the binding magic on it.

Which should free those children and reverse your puppet problem.

I love you guys.

Oh. We'd better get moving.

Framkin knows we're onto him. If he's ready to zap his audience, he'll pull the trigger today.

- Not him. Them. - Gunn?

Framkin's not doin' this. It's the puppets. They're demons.

The show is possessed. Smile Time's ratings hit an all-time low last year.

Framkin made a deal with some devils to bring it back to number one.

- You sure of that? - Dead sure. Every contract signed...

with the lower planes is filed in the Library of Demonic Congress.

You just gotta know where to look. Pretty tricky legalese too.

Framkin must have missed some of the fine print.

- Which allowed them to take over everything. - Including Framkin.

These particular devils have a fairly distinctive M.O.

- They've done this before? - You seen the last few seasons of Happy Days?

Point is, you wanna take out Smile Time, take out the puppets.

Well, then,

let's take out some puppets.

♪ In our secret backyard we can make your day more fun and less hard ♪

♪ No more frowning Let's get learning ABC's and 1-2-3's ♪

♪ Everything from words to weather ♪ Hi there.

Hi!

Listen, kids.

Today is gonna be an extra special, best show ever!

But only if everyone at home can give us a hand.

Now, get up and come over here.

♪ That's it, everyone.

Right there.

Ohh! Oh, yeah.

Let it go. Let it all go.

After all, it's Smile Time! No, it's not.

It's time to kick your ass all the way back to hell.

- You!

Hey, man, you're ruinin' the show!

I'm workin' on it.

- Angel!

It's a full-scale attack!

Ratio, the nest egg!

Don't look at it, Fred.

- Wes! - No, Fred! Keep reading!

I got him!

Give me those pretty eyes.

I'm gonna tear you a new puppet hole, bitch!

So, you got a little demon in you?

I got a lot of demon in me.

Now, come on.

Gunn? - I think I'm good.

Hannah, what's going on in there?

Nothing. Just watching TV.

Oh, my God.

I ate him.

- Hey, uh, you decent? - Angel. Oh, thank God.

Hold on one second. Okay.

Wow.

- Sorry. It takes getting used to. - Tell me about it.

Wes and Fred said my condition is improving though.

- So you're gonna change back? - Yeah. Two, three days tops.

Uh, anyway,

what are you doin' for breakfast?

What do puppets eat?

Mm. Let's find out.

I just got off the phone. It looks like the kids are coming out of their stasis.

Oh. Good.

- I think we did some excellent work back there. - I think you're right.

- And now... - And now.

we'd better get some rest.

No telling when the next crisis will strike.

You're just gonna go, aren't you? Fred--

Haven't you been sensing anything lately?

About me? Coming from me?

Didn't occur to you that something might've changed,

that I'm looking at you in a different--

I-- Oh, screw it.

Um-- That was a signal.

Okay? Is that clear enough for you?

Not even close.

♪ Self-esteem is for everybody ♪

♪ Self-esteem is for everyone ♪

♪ You can dream and be anybody ♪

♪ But self-esteem is how you get it done ♪

Grr! Arrgh!