Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[footsteps]

[engine revving]

[traffic bustling]

[instrumental music]

Woman 1: Please, man, can you give me a dollar?

[engine revving]

[indistinct chatter]

[music continues]

[tires screeching]

Man 1: Hey! You're going the wrong way!

Slow down!

[tires screeching]

[music continues]

Franklin!

[car honking]

Man 2: Hey, the hell's wrong with you?

You bastard.

Hey! You alright?

[music continues]

[indistinct chatter]

- Who's that? - Your mama.

[laughs]

Whoo!

[panting]

[keys jingling]

Franklin, you forgot your coat.

I'm getting ready to dunk on you.

Man, you couldn't dunk doughnuts.

- A dollar. - You got it.

- Step aside, chump. - Huh.

- Huh. - Huh.

Ah!

[instrumental music]

Pay up, sucker.

[Quarterflash singing "Night Shift"]

[instrumental music]

♪ Frankie out on the street ♪

♪ Working late again ♪

Dead. I'm alive. I won the game.

He didn't pay me the dollar that he owes me.

♪ They call you “Cat's Eye“ ♪

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ They call you “Mr. Flash“ ♪

♪ They got some ladies ♪

♪ Who never see the light ♪

♪ And I'll work you ♪

♪ When the day is through ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll comfort you ♪

♪ And I'll love you too ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ You won't ever wanna see the sun ♪

♪ When I'm done with you ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ You won't ever wanna see the sun ♪

♪ When I'm done with you ♪

♪ Done with you ♪

[music continues]

♪ Hey hotshot ♪

♪ Out on the street ♪

♪ Playin' one on one ♪

♪ You know you shoot much better at night ♪

♪ They got a joker ♪

♪ Down on the corner ♪

♪ And you cannot be shamed ♪

♪ He got some new tricks ♪

♪ He never show them the light ♪

♪ And I'll work you ♪

♪ When the day is through ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll comfort you ♪

♪ And I'll love you too ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll work with you ♪

♪ And I'll sleep with you ♪

♪ On the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll fill you up ♪

♪ Till the sun comes up ♪

♪ All night on the night shift ♪

♪ And I'll work II

[music continues]

Oh, Christ.

Do you recognize this man

as Franklin Delano Roosevelt Jones?

Yes.

What was your, uh, relationship with the deceased?

- He was my Avon lady. - Oh, give me a break.

Give me a break. You think this is a thrilling morning for me?

Huh? Eat an Egg McMuffin and look at a dead guy?

- Look, honey, I, I-- - Hey, I'm not your honey.

It's Belinda.

As a matter of fact, it's Ms. Keaton.

[laughing] Are you listening to this?

- Hmm? - She's a whore.

- Hello. - H... hi.

Averbach: And this guy here was her pimp.

And he wasn't paying off somebody like he was supposed to

so, somebody made him kiss the sidewalk.

Can I close the drawer now?

- Sure. - Thank you.

Alright, now, can you tell me who sent him to pimp heaven?

Oh, sure, now can you kiss my ass?

For how much?

Is someone going to pick up Mr. Jones?

'Cause we sure could use the space.

You got it, sport.

Sir, could you sign right here?

- Um, excuse me? - Yeah.

Franklin once told me that

he wanted to be buried in his car.

- We don't do that. - Oh.

You'd probably have to call the, uh, funeral home

or the Department of Motor Vehicles.

- Don't I know you? - Uh, no. Umm.

Yeah, I do. I do.

No. Um, I-- I couldn't. I wouldn't.

I'm engaged.

Uh, here's a picture of my fiance, Charlotte.

Well, the picture doesn't do her justice.

She's suffering from water build-up.

Hey, I thought I knew you.

Lot of guys have my face.

This is my mom.

- You okay, Chuck? - Yeah.

- Thanks for waiting around. - I'm gonna take off, alright.

- See you tomorrow. - Goodnight.

Hi, Mr. Carboni.

Hey, ain't you going home, Chuck?

Chuck: Oh, Hector's an hour late. It's 7 o'clock.

Well, uh, Hector's been transferred.

Oh, you're getting a new night man?

Yeah, well, not exactly. You're starting tomorrow.

You're going on night shift, Chuck.

Night shift? I started on night shift.

I'm here six years. I thought I was getting a raise.

You going to make trouble about this?

- No. I just didn't- - Are you gonna go over my head?

Night shift?

[chuckling] Hey, Chuckie, baby.

Chuckie! Come on, night shift's better, huh.

There's no supervisors around. You practically run the place.

You like to read, it's quiet here at night.

It's quiet here during the day, sir.

Good. It's settled. See you tomorrow night.

You'll be breaking in a new partner

a Bill something or other.

Chuck: Mr. Carboni. - Huh?

- Who has my job? - Oh, uh...

Right here. It's right on here.

- Mr. Carboni. - Huh?

He seems to have the same last name you do.

Oh, yeah, I-I think he's my nephew.

I-I'II see you, Chuck.

Well, that's just wonderful.

And what am I supposed to be doing every night

while you're working?

- I'll be home days. - I work days.

- All normal people work days. - Should I have quit?

- Want me to go right down-- - Why are you asking me, Chuck?

I don't know why you work there in the first place.

Your mother says you're a financial wizard.

Why do you listen to my mother?

This is the same woman who goes to a seance

every Friday night since my father died

just so she can still yell at him.

[exhaling]

How long will you be on there?

- Until the wedding. - That's nine months.

Don't you want me to look good?

I think you look good now.

And I think you're the sweetest man in the world.

Come here.

Ow!

Wait up, man. Hey, wait up.

[instrumental music]

[keys jingling]

[music continues]

[keys jingling]

[growling]

[barking]

Every day.

[instrumental music]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct chatter]

Woman 2: You're going the wrong way.

Oh, my God.

[door opening]

- Are you the night guy? - Yes.

Oh, hi. How you doing? I'm Leonard Carboni.

What a pleasure to meet you, Leonard.

- How was your first day? - Shitty.

- Lot of paperwork and stuff. - I see.

But Uncle Sal said you'd straighten it all out.

Fine.

[door closing]

[desk drawer closing]

[pencil sharpener whirring]

[man humming "Jumping Jack Flash"]

♪ Jumpin' Jack Flash ♪

Hi.

How are you doing?

I'm Bill Blazejowski. You call me Billy Blaze.

You must be Chuck, right? Nice shoes.

Hey, this is alright.

Guess this is where I'm gonna be working.

I'm your new partner. Ha ha ha, whew!

Swish! Ah, they're going crazy in the arena!

They can't believe it. It's unbelievable.

This is great. What's our job?

We, like, drive around, pick up stiffs, or what?

Is that what we're supposed to do?

Hey, Chuck, who's this? Wife?

- Uh, fiance. - Ah.

Nice frame.

Yeah, okay, we can make stuff, we can read, coffee.

This is great. I like it.

You wondering why I carry this tape recorder?

It's to tape things.

See, I'm an idea man, Chuck, alright?

I get ideas all daylong. I can't control them.

It's like they come charging in and I

I can't even fight them, if I want to, you know? Ah!

So, I say 'em in here and that way I never forget them.

See what I'm saying? Okay, here's an example.

Watch out. Stand back.

This is Bill. Idea to eliminate garbage.

Edible paper.

See?

Eat it, it's gone. Eat it, it's out of there. No garbage.

I got everything in here. Business ideas, inventions

musicals, I wrote a couple musicals in here.

Would you like to see the rest of the office?

Yeah.

Bill: Hey, you want a snickers? - No, thank you.

Bill: It's not frozen. 'Cause my refrigerator broke.

I understand.

Where you from, Chuck? I'm from Cleveland.

Well, I'm originally from Seattle

but I just came here from Cleveland.

- And, this is our lab. - Yeah, it's nice.

Get this. I'm living with this chick, right?

I come home one night, I catch her in bed with another girl.

I was “No", I couldn't believe it, you know.

She went lesbo on me like that. Unbelievable.

I just finish eating my dinner. I walk right outta there.

- What you think, was I wrong? - Oh, that's very personal...

What's in here, just stiffs and stuff?

- Huh, no, we call them corpses. - Can I take a peek?

- Sure. I think this one is.. - Alright.

Hey, this Carboni guy. What's he like our boss, or what?

No, no, he's the supervisor. He's not here at night.

No, get out of town!

Just you and me and the stiffs alone here?

That's gonna be radical, Chuck!

That guy's dead!

[cars honking in the distance]

[sighs] Charlotte? Charlotte: Yes?

You've been in there half an hour. Are you okay?

Charlotte: I'm fat. - You're not fat.

Charlotte: I'm fat! - This is my one night off.

I look forward to this all week.

Why don't you come to bed?

Charlotte: I just wanna lose six more pounds.

Tonight?

Why don't you run into bed?

Maybe you'll lose some pounds along the way.

Charlotte: Alright, Chuck. Just don't look at me.

Okay.

Charlotte: Are the lights out? - Yeah.

Charlotte: Are the lights out, Chuck?

Yes. Yes!

[both exhale]

- Could you close the drapes? - Sure.

Could you just check the apartment?

Why do I have to check the apartment every time?

Choo-choo, please, if you check the apartment then I can relax.

Okay.

Chuck: Ha! Nobody here!

[growling]

Grrr.

[laughing]

Are-are you excited?

Like the French when Lindbergh landed.

- Am I fat? - Uh-uh!

- Am I fat? - You're a willow.

You're a reed. You're Audrey Hepburn.

[upbeat music in distance]

- Chuck? - You're not fat.

- That music. - What music?

- That music! - What music?

Chuck!

It's just a little loud music.

[sighs] Well, it bothers me.

You see, you let too many things bother you

that way you'll never have an org..

Don't you say that word!

It's silly. I'm-I'm sorry.

[music continues]

[knocking]

Man 3: Who the hell is that?

- Did you knock on that door? - Uh...

- Well? - Mistake.

It's a very big mistake.

Woman 3: Luke, who is it?

Some dwarf.

- Thank you. - What's taking so long?

Is he going to stop playing that awful music?

- We were just getting to that- - What's she mean awful music?

Awful good. She meant awful good.

Uh, Luke, why don't, uh, why don't you go back inside?

I'll be right in. Okay?

Go play with your rope.

Don't be long now.

Sorry. We'll, uh, we'll keep it down, okay?

I knew I recognized you!

Last week at the morgue, remember?

I knew I recognized you.

I'd probably seen you in the building when I moved in.

- You live here? - Yeah, yeah.

Oh, but don't worry. Luke is leaving town tomorrow

with the rodeo and I, uh, hardly ever do business up here.

[scoffs] What kind of business are they doing?

- Uh, she sells cowboy hats. - The man was in his underwear.

And, uh, cowboy underwear.

Belinda, come on, darlin'. Haul it in here now.

Oh, okay. I'll be right in.

I've gotta go. We'll keep it down.

See you around, neighbor.

Well, I took care of that. Let's go back inside.

I think I should go home.

Why? They said they'll keep it down.

When did you get fully dressed?

It wasn't going to be any good tonight, anyway.

I feel so guilty.

I cheated today.

- You're kidding. - I had a Nestle's Crunch bar.

Food.

I feel like dirt. I'm really sorry, Chuck.

No one else would be this patient with me.

I-I'II see you next Sunday.

[dog growling]

[barking]

Bill: Hey, Chuck, food came.

You owe me $3.

Chuck, I'm really getting good at remembering these cards.

21. Gee. Well, I tell you, Chuck.

This weekend is it.

This weekend, I go to Atlantic City

and I do nothing, but play blackjack straight through.

I'm not even gonna get a room, I'm just gonna get

those wash 'n drys, you know.

Did I tell you I thought of them first?

Only they already had 'em.

Twenty one. What's the matter?

Oh, I ordered egg salad. They sent me tuna fish.

Every night, they send you the wrong food and you eat it.

Send it back. Get what you want.

They get angry if you complain. You know, that's alright.

The chef has a lot on his mind.

Like what, curing cancer?

[chuckles]

Wait a minute.

Hold the phone. I got it.

Oh, you're going to cure cancer.

No. Tuna fish.

What if you mix mayonnaise

right in the can with the tuna fish?

Hold it. Hold it. Wait a minute, Chuck.

Take live tuna fish and feed them mayonnaise.

Oh, this is good. Call Starkist.

This is great. "Wall Street Journal."

What'd you read this for? What's the matter with “The Enquirer"?

Oh, that interests me. I used to be an investment counselor.

- No kidding? - Yeah.

- What's that? - Uh, it's like a stockbroker.

So, uh, what are you doing babysitting stiffs?

Are you a drinker, big drinker?

Chuck:No. - Ahh.

Toothead, doper, nose candy, coke?

- No. - Come on.

That's a very rough job.

I would shape up a deal over two months and another man

would come right in and take all the credit.

I just needed a place that was quiet, that's all.

I'm in a transitional period.

Eh, what kind of a paper is this? There's no sports.

There's no comics, there's no Ann Landers.

- Hello. - Yes? Can I help you?

Yes, um, I'm looking for a Mr. Blazejowski.

Yea-hoo! Hey.

- I-I'm, I'm Jefferey Durkin. - You sure are.

How you doing, Jeff?

You got money for me? Some Cash? Do-re-mi?

- Yeah, 20 bucks, right? - 20 bucks. Thanks. Ha.

Hey, listen. Wait outside while I'm getting the car, alright?

- Sure. - Alright, bud. There you go.

Nice tux. Good fit.

[laughing]

I don't want to be a buttinsky but what exactly is going on?

I dunno, some kind of debutante ball out on the island.

Kid wants me to take him and his girlfriend.

And you're gonna take one of the morgue vehicles?

Yeah, it's a limo, right?

It's a limo for dead people.

Did you see that kid?

Wait a minute, are you telling me

that every night you leave here, this is what you do?

No, not every night. There's not a debutante ball every night.

I do weddings, or bar mitzvahs

or just get down and cruise the airport.

The other night, picked up these Japanese guys...

$400 from the airport to the UN.

Diplomats! You're ripping off diplomats!

Here. It's a $100.

What is this for?

Bill: Okay, big time, let's roll.

Bill: Rock n roll.

[door thuds]

Uh, Bill? Bill: Ha?

What happens if we get a call

you know, if we have to go and pick up a body...

Hey, I'll be back.

What's the matter, by the time I get there

they won't be dead anymore?

Hey, kid, you like music?

- Sure. - Good.

[humming "Jumping Jack Flash“]

♪ Jumpin' Jack Flash he's a ga gas gas ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[braying]

[laughing]

Okay, Hoppy. Lead the way.

[Leonard laughing]

Fred: Oh, Pebbles, daddy's home.

[Dino barking]

Oh, no, no. Back, boy. Back, boy.

[laughing]

- Good evening, Leonard. - Oh, hi, Mr. Lumley.

Oh, that Barney Rubble.

What an actor!

Oh, listen, we got some bodies in the wrong drawers

but Uncle Sal said--

I would straighten it out.

Goodnight, Mr. Lumley.

I Flintstone meet them Flintstone I

I They're the modern stone-age family I

[door thuds]

I From the town of Bedrock I

I They're a page right out of history II

"Name of the deceased.

Something Polish."

Hi, Chuck.

Hey, just saw that jerky Leonard kid.

How come we don't have TV?

- Want to hear about my weekend? - No.

You know, I've been working on my blackjack system, right?

Alright, so... I get down to Atlantic City this weekend.

And I'm sitting in the casino with my wash 'n drys.

Did I tell you I had the idea for them, first?

Anyway I was sitting there and playing blackjack, right?

They barred me.

They barred me.

I'm out. I'm barred. I can't get in now.

Right? You know why?

- Being too good a player. - How much did you win?

Well, you know, I was down a couple of hundred,

but they could tell I was good, you know.

They looked at me. And they threw me out. They barred me.

So, they start dealing me off the bottom.

I can tell when they do that.

So I get up and I yelled at the dealer, right.

So, he goes over to the pit boss.

So, I throw my complimentary watered down drink

right in his fat face.

[mimicking explosion]

So they barred me for being too good a player.

Think I'll go to Vegas next week.

I wish you would shut up.

Vegas knows how to treat you right, you know, Chuck.

'Cause it's got broads, you know, Wayne Newton.

Got him. He's an Indian. Did you know that?

Bill: I'II introduce you to him. - Would you do me a favor?

Would you please shut up?

- You're telling me to shut up? - I'm telling you to shut up.

I'm... I'll tell your recorder, so that you don't forget.

Hello, this is Chuck, to remind Bill to shut up!

You know, this used to be such a quiet place before you got here.

You talk too much!

Edible paper, feeding mayonnaise to tuna fish.

I will give you a quarter if you just stop talking!

Thank you.

I thought we were friends.

Chuck on recorder: Hello, this is Chuck,

to remind Bill to shut up!

[tape rewinding]

Hello, this is Chuck, to remind Bill to shut up!

[tape rewinding] Hello, this is Chuck,

to remind Bill to shut up!

[tape rewinding] Bill to shut up!

Hello, this is Chuck, to remind Bill to shut up!

[tape rewinding] Bill to shut up!

To shut up! To shut up!

I'm sorry that I yelled at you.

To shut...

You think it's been easy on me?

I come in here, I'm the new guy with no friends.

I confide in you my whole life.

I tell you my deepest, most intimate stuff.

You share anything with me?

I see a picture of your fiance, every day.

You didn't even tell me her name.

- Gave you $100. - I didn't ask for it.

That's what made it such a beautiful gesture on my part.

Never mind, forget it.

We'll work together every night like strangers.

That's fine with me.

Charlotte.

What?

My fiance's name is Charlotte.

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.

0h, hi, Chuck.

What happened, did you fall down? Did somebody hit you?

It's the other way around.

Somebody hit me and then I fell down.

Wish I had my handkerchief, I always have my handkerchief--

Uh, I got a tissue in my purse.

No, no, no, no. Please, let me do it.

Hi, listen, do you have a handkerchief?

- Mugger! Mugger! - No, I need your handkerchief.

[blowing a whistle]

[children clamoring]

No! Oh, no, no.

No!

[whistling]

Thank you.

You know, this was the first time

I was ever beaten up by a bunch of Bluebells.

I didn't like it.

How are you?

Oh, I'm great.

Four pounds of make up, they'll never know the difference.

Can I ask you a question?

I wouldn't do it with the guy until he... paid me.

So... he beat me up.

That's what happens when you don't have a pimp.

Some guys figure why should they pay?

That guy in the morgue, he was your pimp, right?

Yeah.

A lot of Franklin's ladies are in the same boat.

We could find another pimp, but...

some of those guys are real rough.

Get the girls hooked on dope.

Drugs or beat-up, it's a nice choice.

You could do something different, you're very bright.

Is your head okay, because, uh".

I'm real tired.

Oh, yeah, I'm fine. Thank you.

Thanks very much.

I hope everything turns out alright.

- See you in the halls. - Yeah.

Ouch!

[dog barking]

[Chuck yelling]

Chuck: Go back home.

Chuck:No, no!

[door thuds]

[train chugging]

So she was just lying there in the elevator?

She was all beat up.

See, that's why they have pimps.

You know, that's what she said.

She knows this whole bunch of girlfriends that need pimps.

I really hope they find someone trustworthy.

- [laughs] Are you crazy? - No.

Those guys are killers.

They're animals.

They dress nice though.

Wait a minute. Hold the phone, Chuck.

We got all that space down at the morgue.

All those cars, all that time at night, nobody watchin' us.

We could handle things for your next-door neighbor

and all her girlfriends right out of the morgue!

Pimps?

Are you saying we should become pimps?

"Pimps" is an ugly word.

We could call ourselves "Iovebrokers."

This is my stop, you think about it, okay?

I really think this is the one, Chuck.

I am excited about this, I mean it.

This is it, I think.

Lovebrokers.

[knocks on glass] Lovebrokers, ha ha ha.

You and me, buddy!

You're over the rainbow, pal.

[saxophone music]

Lovebrokers.

[knocking on door]

- Hi, Chuck. - Hi.

Uh, listen, last week, when you helped me...

I think I got a little rude right before you left.

Oh, no, you didn't. Oh, no.

Well, anyway.

Um, I noticed that you and I come home from work

at the same time every day.

I thought maybe we might start having breakfast together.

You got any eggs?

I practically have a whole dairy in here.

[chuckling] Great.

Ah, gee...

- Your place is beautiful! - Chuck: Thanks.

And it's warm! My place is freezing.

And you got a kitchen, huh? Chuck: Yeah.

And you got eggs.

Uh, how do you like your eggs?

- Uh, scrambled. - Of course!

- Men love scrambled. - I didn't know that.

- Yeah. - Men love scrambled.

[grunting] Oh!

Chuck, does the window open?

Oh, no, I-I'm real sorry, it's painted shut.

Makes sense, doesn't it?

That's where the fire escape is.

[chuckling]

Is there a-- a vent or a fan or anything?

Oh, no, I'm real sorry, that room just catches

all the heat in the morning.

It's okay.

Well, you know, it's worse in the summer.

My God!

Uh, I'll put my robe back on.

Uh, no, no, don't.

Uh... what I mean is...

that you should be comfortable.

Uh, I am.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[telephone ringing]

I'll get that. It's probably for me.

[chuckling] Hello.

Charlotte.

Why'd you call me?

What's the matter?

You ate what?

Well, that's okay, just don't do it again.

What do you mean, what am I doing?

I'm not doing anything.

Well, of course I sound strange,

if you call me up early in the morning and you say

what am I doing and I'm not doing anything.

Oh, my God.

I just stepped on a tack.

Yeah. I love you too.

Eggs comin' right up.

You know, I was thinking about the last time

that we were together...

And I was wondering...

have-have you been able to find, you know, a, um..

A pimp? Chuck: Yeah.

No.

I have to, though.

- This way's too dangerous. - Yeah.

- Lupe, she's my friend. - Yeah.

She got her arm broke last week.

What a sick world!

[sighing] Yeah, thank God.

You know, we could do this every morning.

At least until you get tired of eggs.

Boy, it is hot in here.

[upbeat music on the radio]

You got any bread?

I'm sorry, I must've left my money at home.

It's in my other pants, I think.

There you go. $4.90 of $5?

Keep the dime, it's alright.

I'll take these. Come on.

- They gave me the wrong bread. - Ah?

I asked for for wheat, they gave me white.

So send it back. Hey, you gave him white bread.

No, don't make a fuss, don't make a fuss.

My mother said, you send it back, the chef spits on it.

ReaHy?

Turkey, turkey! Come get your turkeys.

Bill: Immoral?

What do you mean, immoral?

As a matter of fact, prostitution is

probably one of the most moral things in the world.

Well, how did you figure that out?

Simple. You take a guy.

He's in from out of town. Let's say that guy.

Okay, he's in from out of town

and he's here on business, alright?

He's waiting for his wife and 2.3 children.

Hey, he's got urges, alright?

Let's say he goes in to see this picture.

Which, by the way, is not a bad movie.

Anyway, let's say this picture stimulates his, uh...

Urges.

Good word, alright.

Now, he's on the street again, right?

Okay, he is a loaded pistol.

He's like Mount St. Helens, alright.

Who walks by, but a Girl Scout swinging her cookies.

Her little cookies. Girl Scouts of America.

He goes bananas, he's on her like mud on a pig.

That wouldn't have happened if he'd gone to a hooker, right?

So, you call that moral? He goes jumps on a Girl Scout

and breaks her cookies, you call that moral?

You figured that all out just by yourself?

I have that kind of mind, yeah.

Yes, you do, Bill. Yes, you do.

So let's do it!

Okay now?

Yeah, nice.

But isn't this a little high, Angelo?

That's the way I always do it.

- You like it that way. - I do?

- Yeah. - Yeah, alright, I do, I do.

- Hi! How you doin'? - Hi. Alright.

Hey, Chuck, what are you, like, getting a haircut?

No, I just like wearing sheets.

Hey, look at this, what'd I tell you?

"Girl Scout attacked."

In the paper, right there.

- Could I see that again? - Yeah.

Right there. "Girl Scout attacked."

"Girl Scout attacked by dog. “

"Dog." A guy from out of town, what's the difference, Chuck?

There's a very big difference.

One carries an attache case, the other urinates on a tree.

Hey, what are you doin' here? What is this? A haircut?

You call that... Look at these sideburns. Even them out!

Man's gonna have a razor in his hands, let us not get him angry.

Chuck, I know, but you've got a sideburn up here.

- Another down Fort Lauderdale. - He is a seasoned professional.

Do you want your friend

Belinda working for one of those animals?

You want her to be, what, Ms. Heroin, 1982?

Charlotte's parents are coming in for Thanksgiving.

I really need to get this haircut.

Oh, yeah. You know. You know.

Yeah, that's it. Get the haircut.

Get all your hair cut.

All you ever think about is yourself!

You don't care about what happens to me.

You don't care about what happens to Belinda.

You don't care what happens to the Girl Scouts of America!

America! I'm fed up, man.

I'm fed up with you.

I wash my hands and my feet of you!

Trim that!

Chuck: Mr. and Mrs. Koogle, would you care for a drink?

Mrs. Koogle and I do not drink.

Of course.

So, how do you like our fair city?

Oh, we don't.

Well, perhaps if you drank, you would.

[chuckles]

Mom? Is dinner almost ready?

Turkey's almost dead. [chuckles]

[telephone ringing]

Hello?

Hi, Happy Thanksgiving.

- Arrested? - Chuck, I'm really sorry.

I-- I called the landlady and she wasn't home.

They're taking me into night court,

and all my ID, and all my money are in my apartment.

Oh, beautiful.

Belinda, this is not a good evening for me.

My entire family is here for Thanksgiving.

Belinda: Chuck, please!

Franklin used to take care of all these things.

I don't know what they're gonna do to me.

Okay. Okay. Don't cry.

I'll be there as soon as I can get there.

Okay, thanks.

Thanks a lot. Bye-bye.

Have you seen the lights out at night?

No wonder this city's going broke.

[laughs]

I have to go out, and I'll be back in a minute, okay?

What? Where're you going?

[indistinct chatter]

You absolutely didn't have to come with me.

I would've been home in 10 minutes.

Well, we had the rental car, paid an arm and a leg for it.

Might as well use it. You wanna 'scuse me, sonny.

I wanna know why she called you.

She's my neighbor.

Excuse me.

Judge: Uh, next case.

That's his neighbor.

Belinda Keaton, you are charged with prostitution and assault.

Not guilty, Your Honor.

- Not guilty? - Not guilty.

Not guilty? Your Honor, this woman's a menace.

Uh, you are one Howard, uh, Pelekoudas?

Yes, sir. I'm the victim.

You're an asshole!

[laughter]

Be that as it may, uh, can we proceed?

Mr. Pelekoudas and I,

had just completed a business transaction,

at which point, Mr. Pelekoudas attempted to forcibly exact

a refund when services had already been rendered.

- Tried to grab his money back. - Yeah.

Yes, that's when she assaulted me.

Mr. Pelekoudas, uh, you look

unmarked, undamaged to me in any manner.

Oh, yeah?

Well, feast your eyes on this.

[audience gasping]

Exhibit A! She bit me! What about my feelings?

What about my feelings?

You wanna know what really steams my bean?

They let that strumpet right back out on the street.

You're moving outta that building.

Absolutely, why are you friends with that girl?

She's my neighbor.

She happens to be a very nice girl.

Oh, but she's a Harlot.

- Now wait a minute-- - You stay out of it.

Let me tell you something, Charlotte.

When you get married, you're going to have to handle him

just the way I handled his father.

[groaning]

Mr. Koogle: Damn potholes.

- You alright, Rose? - Ugh...

If it wasn't for me, his father would have done

any old thing he pleased.

You know what he wanted to do, huh?

Make furniture. By hand!

Don't worry, Mr. and Mrs. Koogle,

I straightened out A! and together,

we'll all straighten out Chuck.

[groaning]

Mr. Koogle: You alright, Rose?

[car honking]

[cat screeching]

[rock music]

[doorbell ringing]

[knocks on door]

Bill?

- Bill? - Hey, my bud!

I have to tell you something very important.

Come on in.

How'd you get in, Chuck?

This is a, uh, security building.

I'm gonna have to talk to that guy.

Bill: Yeeaah, way to go!

What are we really talking about here?

Huh?

What's the essence... of what we're talking about?

I'll spell it out for you if I have to.

Prostitution!

[indistinct muttering]

Prostitution.

Hey, we can say it.

We're big kids now, right?

You know, a lot of times it'll help you

to understand a word if you break it down.

So let's do that now, shall we?

"Pros."

Doesn't mean anything. Forget about that.

"Tit." I think we all know what that means.

"Tu." Okay, "tu."

And "tion," of course, from the, urn, Latin...

"to shun."

Say, "No. Uh-uh. Thank you anyway, I don't want it."

To push away.

Doesn't even belong in this word, really

so let's get rid of that.

You know, um...

if I could take a moment here, uh...

and I mean this, what I'm about to say.

I feel a lot of love in this room.

I don't know, maybe it's me, but I'll you something,

it was here a minute ago.

And, uh, it was really beautiful.

So at this moment I think it's important that I see

all of your breasts.

fihuds]

Or I don't have to. I don't see your breasts.

Come on, let's get out of here, this guy's no pimp, he's a wimp!

Hey, come on, you guys. Give him a chance, come back!

Is this a joke?

You're missing "The Donahue Show. “

I had you on "The Donahue Show, “ booked!

Chuck? You've gotta tell 'em.

Now, just tell 'em like you told me.

[indistinct chatter]

How would you ladies like to earn

ten times the amount of money you earn now?

I'm not kidding.

Ten times the amount of money that you earn right now.

You wanna use the blackboard?

You know, you're absolutely right.

We're not pimps.

I-- if I understand it correctly, pimps make...

70, 80, 90 percent of your money, right?

all: Yeah.

You work very hard for that money, don't you?

all: Yeah!

Then please think of William and myself

as, uh, business managers, okay?

As-as agents, if you will.

We're only interested in ten percent of your money.

- Ten percent? - Leave him alone.

He's doing fine.

And, ladies, I have a knack.

I can take money and I can make it into more money.

- Oh, boy! - More money?

Why shouldn't you have the fruits of your labor?

Why should you be cheated and beaten?

Woman 4: That's right. Woman 5: Yeah.

Do you have a dental plan? Women: No!

Do you have a health plan? Women: No!

Well, if you come with us, we'd like to give you

a sound foundation, a financial foundation.

And-and if you don't come with us well, then H totally

understand it and I say thank you very much for listening.

- Where are you going? - Wait. Hey.

Woman 6: What are you doing?

That was great.

- Okay, now stop-- - What do you think?

What do you think? You think this guy is legit?

Women: Yeah!

Yeah, he's legit. That's right.

Come on, man, wait a minute. These guys are snowing us.

And you know that. This is too easy.

- Aw! - No!

You should have pushed a little more.

You should have just pushed.

I did the best I could.

Okay, are we gonna do this?

Women: Yeah! - Oh, yeah! Yeah!

[whooping]

We're all yours, Chuck.

You pushed just enough, you know.

You, right up to it, then you laid back.

That's perfect.

- Hey, I'm third! - Oh, my God!

[indistinct chatter]

We're gonna get to have them all too, sexually.

♪ That kind of love ♪

♪ Gonna leave you helpless ♪

♪ On the street tonight ♪

♪ It sure looks good ♪

♪ But you should be the very first to know ♪

♪ That kind of look don't last ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

♪ You know that girls know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls know how to do ♪

♪ Do do do ♪

♪ That kind of love ♪

♪ Gonna leave you burning ♪

♪ Till you just can't think ♪

♪ And mess you up ♪

♪ And every time will turn you all around ♪

♪ Just have a look at me ♪

♪ And you'll see ♪

♪ You'll see that girls know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls know how to do ♪

♪ It for you too ♪

♪ You know that girls know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls know how to ♪

♪ Well that kind of love can't hurt ya ♪

♪ And that kind of girl can make it alright ♪

♪ That kind of love on this kind of night ♪

♪ And everyone should love someone ♪

♪ Ooh that kind of love ♪

♪ That kind of girl can make it alright ♪

♪ That kind of love on this kind of night ♪

♪ You know that girls know how to ♪

♪ Ask any man around who ♪

♪ Will say that girls know what to do ♪

♪ To get you through ♪

♪ You know that girls know how to ♪

[hissing]

Hey, Chuck. How you doing, bud?

Boy, I'm cooking like Betty Crocker tonight, sport.

- I get any calls? - Yeah.

Lupe called. She's finished with Mr. Culpepper.

She's now with Mr. Jergens.

Marlene just called. She has a date with a young man.

She wants you to take her.

Okay. Good. I got a couple of minutes.

What are you doing?

Well, we don't want our girls getting beaten up

by any of those bozos, so...

If I ran into 'em, I want them to see some muscles.

And these are them?

- Yeah, it's working, right? - Yeah.

Hey, business is going great, right?

- I suppose so. - [microwave opens and closes]

So, what's the matter?

Ever since we started this, I have been ill.

I have headaches, stomach aches.

I get the chills.

My gums are bleeding

and my hair keeps falling out into the sink.

So?

Bill, let me try to explain this to you.

As we sit here and idly chat

there are women, female human beings

rolling around in strange beds

with strange men and we are making money from that.

Is this a great country or what?

Look at this. This is hair.

This is hair that used to be in my head.

See. The same thing happened to me when I was working

on Wall Street. I had to wear a hat sitting at my desk.

This is Bill. Mission in life, make Chuck a man.

What am I now, a duck?

[laughing]

You're unbelievable.

You are something else, pal.

You are some kinda guy.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Impress the girls.

[laughs]

[door opens]

Yeah. Corn dog.

Chuck: Bill, I'm back.

Bill?

[rock music]

William?

[people cheering]

I Don't know what I'm doing I

I Girl you really got me now I

I You got me so I can't sleep at night I

I Girl you really got me now I

I You got me so I don't know where I'm goin' I

I Oh yeah you really got me now I

New guy!

New guy.

[indistinct clamoring]

Bill!

Aah!

[clamoring]

I got it. I got it.

Bill! Bill!

Whoo!

Hey, I could have done it. He called me!

- Now you've gone over the line. - Hold on a minute.

Hey, get the chug party. Go ahead.

Go home! Go home. Go home.

Hey, you remember that kid from the debutante party.

- In a kind of King Kong tuxedo? - Yes.

This is his fraternity. Hey, wild, wild man Mike!

He's the greatest, this guy! I love 'em.

They can't have girls at their dorm

so I brought 'em down here, group raid.

They let me in the fraternity.

Bill, you've got to ask them to get out, please.

My brothers? What's the matter with you?

Carboni is gonna fire me. That's the matter.

Chuck, it's not an orgy. It's college hijinks.

It's not hijinks. Remember when I had the pain

in my gums and my hair? It's now moved to my chest.

A young man shouldn't have pains in his chest.

Oh, Chuck, you've got to learn how to live. How to have fun.

- No. - How to be a man.

Radical! Let's get radical!

Chug, chug, chug,

chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug!

Chuck, come on. What the..

Bummer! I am bummed right now.

[shouting] Get out of here!

That's better.

Idon't know about you people.

This is a morgue. You're partying in a morgue.

[belching]

You don't believe me?

Let's go take a look at Rigor Mortis in Room 12 here.

This will bring you back to reality.

I want you all to see this.

[laughter]

So that's what it's like.

Yeah! Jefferey pulled one down.

[cheering]

[rock music resumes]

I You really got me I

I You really got me I

I You really got me II

That very moment, they all jumped in the drawers.

[chuckles] Yeah, I heard.

You're not, you're not shocked by that?

No.

How could people do it in a morgue?

How could people do it in the drawers?

- It's new. - It's sick.

Oh. Everybody's looking for a new way to do it.

A guy once took me up in a helicopter.

Excuse us.

Had me do it with him

as we hovered over his ex-wife's house.

No.

Yeah.

Don't you ever fantasize

different ways you wanna do it?

Once I'd like to do it without checking the apartment first.

What?

Nothing.

[Johnny Winter singing "Jumping Jack Flash"]

I Yeah I was born in a crossfire hurricane I

I Hi-ho I was born in the driving rain.. II

This is nice, huh?

Nice.

Practically drives itself, Chuck.

[cars honking]

Can you turn down the music?

- Huh? - Can you turn the music down?

Yeah, I can turn it down. I can turn it up.

I can switch it from the back speaker to the front.

- I can make it reverberate-- - Can you turn it down?

Yeah.

Chuck: Thank you.

Look at this dash, Chuck. Solid gold.

Look at this carpeting. Fur.

- Check out these windows. - Glass?

Glass, yeah.

We can see out. Nobody can see in.

Bill: Watch.

Oh, watch. Okay. Here we go.

Hey, yo! Right here.

Right here, buddy!

Hey, look at this!

We got teenage girls.

The place is full of broads in here.

[siren]

Yo! Roger.

Roger, officer.

Is this great or what?

Bill: You gotta get one, man. This is great.

Everything's automatic, too.

You can pop the trunk right from here.

You don't have to move.

You should get one.

What are you doing with all your money, anyway?

You know...

I'd like to talk to you about that.

I have this feeling that something's very wrong.

We're this close from getting caught.

You know, what, it's my fault you're the way you are.

It is because I promised I'd swing you around

- And I haven't. It's my fault. - You're not listening, Bill.

Listen.

Today it starts, alright?

Operation Chuck. Alright.

From now on, we're gonna have some fun.

I Fun fun till our daddy takes our T-bird away II

Alright? When I'm done with you,

you'll be a walking Mardi Gras. I'm not even gonna be able

to control you. You're gonna be an insane cowboy.

Alright. Come on, ladies. Come forward.

[indistinct chatter]

Hey, hey, Chuckie, doll face,

I don't have to eat in dives like this no more!

Hey, you guys. Come on. Don't be snobs.

I used to be the pickle girl here once.

[cheering]

Lupe used to be the pickle girl.

Lupe, you now own the pickles.

- Wait. What? - Come on, Lupe!

Ladies, I am very pleased to announce

to each and every one of you that you are the proud owner

of this particular burger steak.

[cheering]

Chuck: Remember, sign the contracts.

Sign them.

Hey, this is wonderful.

- Yeah? - Yeah!

Thank you.

Woman 7: Look guys, it's a strange bunch of...

[thudding]

I'm telling you, somebody's taking over Franklin's business

and we're not seeing a damn dime of it.

Alright, alright, alright. Lemme think of something.

Hey, can't you see we're talking here?

We know all of Franklin's girls, right?

What we'll do is, we check 'em off for a while.

We find out who's running their actions

then we can bury him and put in our own man, okay?

- Yeah. - Alright.

This guy's had enough.

And next time, watch out whose car you sit on.

[car cranks]

Hi, you guys. Come on over by the Christmas tree.

We want to say a few things to you.

Come on.

Uh, [clears throat] Misters Chuckie and Bill.

Uh, we have something to say to you

so I have been elected the spokesperson.

[clearing throat]

"You take us off the city streets

and give us nicer men's to meet.

We have furs and jewels and nicer dresses to wear

and we even go to Vidal Sassoon's

to fix up our hair."

[laughing]

"We move to nice apartment houses

instead of living with the ratones and the mouses.

Because of you, our joy is jumping

'cause we're at this party instead of humping."

[cheering]

Oh, oh, yeah! Yeah!

Chuck. Check this out, eh.

Radical! Radical.

A new tape recorder.

Oh, I was gonna get one, but this one's better.

'Cause I didn't have to pay for it.

Get out of here.

Okay, Chuck, you're next.

I love presents.

[whistles]

Ladies, it's amazing.

You've hit upon the one thing I've always wanted.

Yeah?

- Oh. - Yeah?

Wear it, baby.

Woman 8: Ah-oooo! Bill: Oh, yeah!

[scattered cheering]

Bill: Wear that hat, pal.

[blows]

- Okay, there you go, Joe. - Okay, Bill.

Okay, Pete, there's some wine.

[chuckling]

So my father told me

that I'd never amount to anything, right?

Oh, fathers get that way.

Yeah, well, he told me that when I was four.

- Oh! - I'm serious. I know.

Then when I was 13, he, uh, left.

He's out of there. He's gone. History, right?

He told me and my mom, we were too ugly to look at.

In my case, he was wrong.

0h, Bill.

No. I mean my mom...

well, she, my mom used to be real pretty.

You live with a lunatic and it does things to you.

[whispers] This is Bill.

Call your mom. Wish her a Merry Christmas.

This guy... he doesn't have fun.

I'm gonna teach this guy, this wild man

how to have fun right now.

- Okay. - He, he does...

We're making loads of cash.

He doesn't spend any of his money.

- Right? - I spent some.

On what?

Are you really interested to see what I spent it on?

[Johnny Winter singing "Jumping Jack Flash"]

I Yeah I was born in a crossfire hurricane I

I l.. II

I And a partridge in a pear tree II

Oh, are we getting out here?

Oh, wait. Wait. Chuck.

Come on.

What is..

Hey, Chuck, this is what you bought?

- Chuck, wait. - A cemetery?

[Bill laughs]

Wait a minute. Wait up.

Hey, Chuck, you know what?

This may not be a bad idea.

'Cause, you know, yuck.

Hey, people gotta die, right?

Why can't they just die for us?

We just sit back and rake it in.

Chuck and Bill's Cemetery.

Hey, Chuck, this one's full.

Should have bought an empty one.

You wanted to see what I bought.

Your father?

He used to have the smallest stone in the whole place.

Not anymore.

This is what you spent your money on?

He's my dad.

[instrumental music]

It takes a while for the heat to come up.

I know. It will be up by spring.

[laughing]

You know, my father's alive, and I don't buy him anything.

You're like a saint.

Because I bought my father a headstone?

Saint Chuck!

Well, not just for that.

You're nice.

[music continues]

Decent

You think I'm decent?

Do you remember the first time you made me eggs

in my apartment?

And you took off your robe?

[laughs]

My eyes had a heart attack.

[music continues]

And every time after that

it didn't matter what you were wearing.

You could have worn a suit of armor.

I got hot and crazy.

There's your Saint Chuck.

It's 30 degrees in here, and I am sweating.

I think we'll skip the coffee, I'm sober.

Chuck!

Yeah?

I'm sober too, and I have to talk to you.

- What about? - About this.

You're a very good talker.

[laughs]

[breathing heavily]

[moaning]

- Chuck. - Hmm?

The zipper's on the side, honey.

- I got it. - Mm-hmm.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

Wanna know something funny?

- What? - I don't smoke.

[coughing]

[laughs]

Did you ever see the movie "Klute?"

What?

The movie with Jane Fonda. "Klute."

No, I don't think so.

[music continues]

- She plays a call girl. - Mm-hmm.

And she's with this guy, you know, um, a customer.

And they're doing it and she's screaming and moaning

as if it's like the end of the world for her.

Then right in the middle,

when the guy's not looking

she looks at her watch

and you just know it's an act.

- Hey. - Hmm?

I don't wear a watch.

[music continues]

[Chuck humming]

[telephone ringing]

Where have you been?

We moved.

William, it's so nice to see you

at 9 o'clock this evening.

[Chuck humming]

You drunk from last night?

Drunk, yes, but not from wine.

Beer?

Chuck: Ha ha ha ha!

What's the matter with you?

You're three hours late. It's been mayhem in here.

I got stiffs coming in, I got girls going out.

Where's Belinda? She hasn't checked in.

I would not count on Belinda coming back to work.

What's the matter? What happened?

Is she alright? Somebody roughed her up?

Chuck: Nobody roughed her up.

Will you put away your muscles?

Bill, something happened last night.

Something passed between us.

Her life couldn't possibly be the same.

Hi, Bill.

Sorry I'm late. Hi, Chuck.

Remember that guy Schizelman? He called and wants to meet you.

Oh. Yeah. He's nice.

What are you doing?

What do you mean what's she doing?

She's working.

Is that true?

Yeah.

ReaHy?

I have to earn a living, right?

You told me this morning that you weren't faking.

- I wasn't faking. - Faking what?

Please, Bill.

Get out of town!

You two guys?

Can I please have a conversation with her?

You haven't quit?

[sighs]

- How can I quit? - Very simply.

You open your mouth and you say, "Bill, Chuck, I quit. “

Okay. Then what do I do?

No, I mean it, Chuck.

Where do I go from there?

What happens to me?

What happens to you is...

I can't get over the fact that you didn't quit.

[scoffs]

Right!

I didn't quit!

Did you quit?

I'm not a whore.

- No. You're a pimp. - Hey, guys, come on.

Now, let's stop before we all say something we regret.

Shut up!

I need a ride.

[door slams]

I have to drive her.

Fine.

You gonna be alright?

Hey, you know us pimps. Fine.

Okay, I need the car keys. You got them?

Thank you. I got them.

[groans]

[door opens]

[instrumental music]

Man 4: Taxi!

Look, he didn't mean what he said.

Yes, he did.

No, he's, he's a strange guy.

He, you know, he's not like you and me.

He probably thought, uh...

you two were in love.

So did I.

[music continues]

Look, uh...

You don't want to go up there.

So I'll drive you home.

Wait. What about the trick?

I'll come back later, bring him a bottle

get him drunk, take off his clothes.

In the morning, he'll think you were there.

[laughing] No problem.

[engine revving]

[phone ringing]

City morgue.

Somebody died?

Who cares?

[door opens]

Hi.

Why did you lock the door?

It's okay.

Sirs...

At least Franklin paid off regular for two years

until he got stupid.

You never even sent us a nickel.

Not one nickel.

- I don't know-- - "I don't, I don't know."

If we came to us up front, we could've worked something out.

But now it's too late.

We're angry. We're insulted.

Besides, it wouldn't be right to let you live

after we killed Franklin.

He was our friend.

I'd like to be your friend.

Please, God, let me be your--

I I told you before now I'll tell you I

I Exactly what's bringin' me down I

I I'm tired of listening to ya talkin' about I

I Twistin' everything straight down the line I

I All you do to me is talk talk I

I Talk talk talk talk I

I All you do to me is talk talk II

Come on, let's get out of here.

If we bust one bozo, we got to bust all the whole place.

- Yeah. I hate narcotics. - Yeah.

I wish he'd put us back on vice.

Hmm. Hey, check, please.

It's pretty good beat, huh?

Peachy.

You know, I noticed you guys were, uh...

unencumbered by female companionship.

Yeah?

So how'd you like to get, uh...

encumbered?

Okay, boys. Here we are.

I wonder why the door's locked.

- Hey, chuck! - In the morgue?

Hey, I know, I know what you're thinking.

Don't worry about it, it really won't bother you

if you just don't think about all those dead people.

[chuckling]

Let me get my phone book here, it's got all my numbers, eh.

I wonder where that book is.

Maybe my partner has it. Follow me.

You're about to become one of the great lakes.

Open up. I said open up.

- Get ready to fill him up. - Yeah.

Just to make some holes, so the water comes out.

- Hm. - Yeah.

[groaning]

[chuckling]

Again locked.

[laughing]

[water splashing]

Hey, what's going on?

Excuse me.

- Ya-a-ay! - Hold it! Police!

Police!

[gunshots]

You guys are police?

[gunshots]

How could they be cops?

[glass shattering]

I should've asked for an ID.

[gunshots]

[gunshot]

Ow!

[gunshots]

[glass shattering]

Ow! Ow!

Son of a bitch!

That's it! Cool it! I quit!

You what?

- Okay, man, okay! - Get up and spread 'em!

Party's over, numbnuts.

Man. you blew it, man! You...

Hey, let me hit him one time! One...

Chuck?

Chuck, it's all over, buddy.

- Were you scared? - Yeah. Were you?

Nah. Mostly dizzy.

I'll tell you, you were great.

Guys are shooting over you, and you just laid there

you never complained once, and I want you to know

I admire that, Chuck, I do, I have a--

- Take off the tape. - Okay.

[indistinct chatter over radio]

Man 5: Look up here.

[camera shutter clicks]

Turn sideways.

Other way.

[camera shutter clicks]

Okay. Leave.

Does anybody have a comb, so I can just look, get ready?

[camera shutter clicks]

I wasn't ready for that.

Can I have one taken--

Man 5: Just turn sideways.

[camera shutter clicks]

Leave.

Today.

[indistinct chatter]

You're pretty good at this game. Alright. Ready?

Last one. Best out of three.

Even. Shoot

Great. Fair is fair.

Hey, we took a shot, right?

I mean you can't hit a home run if you don't come to bat.

I wish I had a bat right now.

You had to bring the police?

Oh, that's gratitude here. That's gratitude.

If I didn't bring the police, you'd be dead now.

So, I'd be better off. I'd rather be dead.

You want to be dead?

- Huh? - You want to be dead?

No.

No.

You let me know if you change your mind.

You'll be the first.

- Hi. - How you doing?

[indistinct chatter]

That's great. That's great.

You get me in jail here with Peter Lorre's son.

"Oh, come on. We have to be pimps. Let's be pimps."

We couldn't be doctors.

[man coughing]

[indistinct chatter]

We were rolling there for a while, though, huh?

Cash, clothes.

I'll tell you something, Chuck.

You couldn't do what we did in Russia.

You know? Seriously.

Russian pimps--

Would you do me a favor

and just leave me alone?

Chuck.

[indistinct chatter]

Chuck!

[indistinct chatter]

Hi, Charlotte.

I thought you were in Indiana.

My mom called.

And you flew all the way back here.

I thought for sure when you found out what I was doing

you'd just hate me.

But no, not you.

You came to be by my side.

You are one in a million.

[spitting]

[indistinct chatter]

Goodbye, Chuck.

[indistinct chatter]

Did you see that?

My fiance just spit on me.

And after you were deloused.

But she's right, you know.

I should be spit on.

What, Chuck, Chuck, don't.

He's got a little hair in his mouth.

What are you doing?

Chuck, not in front of the other guys.

So what? What, am I running for Cell President?

They have that?

Oh, this is a nightmare.

You know what the worst part about this is?

I'm guilty. I am guilty.

You know what's gonna happen, don't you?

I'm going to lose my job.

Oh, my life is over.

Do you know, at this moment

I have sunk as low as I can go.

[indistinct chatter]

I was wrong.

[indistinct chatter]

[horn honking]

[indistinct chatter]

0h!

[indistinct chatter]

Mimi, pay the cab driver, will you?

Move over.

- With money. - Oh, yeah.

[women cheering]

Isn't a jail tight enough to hold us.

You got 'em out!

Bet your Puerto Rican ass I did.

I can't keep my men in there.

- My life is over. - Oh!

Stay with him. Take him home.

Get him to the lawyer's on time.

We'll take you home. We'll give you a nice bath.

Wait a minute. I don't see Belinda here.

Yeah, she don't want to come.

That's it. Make him feel better.

You know what I mean.

[indistinct chatter]

Is this gonna take long or what?

I have a tennis club lesson at 1 o'clock.

I already missed one when we were in prison.

I see. Can I get you anything?

Yeah, alright. Uh, lamb chops--

I was thinking more in terms of something to drink.

Why don't we just get started?

fihuds]

Mr. Drollhauser

are we going to prison?

Yeah, that's a good question.

I hardly think so.

You see, boys, this is an election year.

And the party in power...

Well, let's just say

they find the whole situation rather embarrassing.

Therefore, it would be in the best interest

of all concerned if they just gave you boys yourjobs back

and forgot the whole thing.

I assume that's okay with you.

Okay?

Okay.

Mr. Drollhauser.

That's the greatest thing I ever heard.

Thank you very much. That's fantastic.

Well, it's not okay with me.

[laughs] We got them over the barrel.

As long as we do...

I say we get something out of it.

Can I talk to him alone, please?

[door closes]

[whistling]

I have thought about this

for the entire time in jail.

And what I want is to go back to my old life

the way it was before this craziness.

I want my old life back.

Please, Bill.

Please let me have my old life back.

No.

Chuck, if I did that

I'd never be able to sleep with myself again.

We're holding the cards.

They're afraid of us.

You see the beauty here?

I say, we go down there right now, alright?

And we march right into the mayor's office

we lay it on the line, you want to?

Come on. It will be fun. It'd be great.

[grunting]

What are you doing?

Chuck, what are you...

Chuck, I'm wearing white.

[grunting]

[clanking]

You're crazy! Get away, Chuck!

Get away from the door, you!

Oh, you, you're not going to see the mayor.

You're not gonna make any demands or I'm gonna kill you.

You're gonna play tennis... with God.

Now...

are you going to change your mind?

No.

[shattering]

Are you going to change your mind?

Chuck, you gotta keep that elbow stiff.

[grunts]

[glass shattering]

- What's going on in there? - I don't know.

[grunting]

My... God.

[indistinct screaming]

I could have you guys executed for this!

[all screaming]

Call maintenance!

Get them up here!

You'll be hearing from my lawyer.

Oh, are you okay, Mr. Chuckie?

- I'm calm. I'm calm. - Are you calm?

- Are you bleeding? - It's okay, girls. Let go.

[screaming]

I'll tell you something.

You listen to me, Mr. Idea man.

I will go back to the morgue...

and I will put my life straight

the life that you ruined.

Everything that's bad that happened to me... you did.

Chuck: I don't want to see you anymore.

I don't want to hear from you anymore.

I don't even want to hear rumors about you anymore.

Here's a good idea

Why don't you get a ticket on the first space shuttle

and get out of here.

Excuse me.

Hello.

Hi.

[instrumental music]

- How are you? - Okay.

Well, what have you been doing?

You mean since jail?

I'm back to work.

Yeah, me, too.

I start a new job tonight.

Really? What are you doing?

Uh... I'm doing the same thing I did before.

I'm just doing it in a different place.

Paradise found, just off 6th.

- I've heard of it. - Yeah.

It's supposed to be real nice, you know.

So.

Look, I may not see you again.

I'm moving on Friday.

0h?

Condo.

Very good investment.

Yeah.

[instrumental music]

Well, I guess you don't want to be late for your first day.

No.

Bye.

Bye.

[slow music]

- Where the fuck is 4K? - What?

Excuse me, I didn't know you was deaf.

4K!

I'm 4k. Is that my dinner?

You do with it what you want.

It's 5 bucks. I already added in my tip.

How thoughtful.

Thank you.

Excuse me.

There's mustard on this sandwich.

So?

So, it's egg salad.

Give me the sandwich.

Happy now?

I would like a whole new sandwich.

Listen to me.

[elevator door buzzing]

- You listen to me! - Take it easy.

You listen to me! I'll never again

eat a sandwich I didn't order.

I am sick and tired of being afraid.

Bad jobs, bad sandwiches

neurotic girlfriends

no longer for this man.

Do you understand?

[growling]

You!

Go home!

[whimpers]

And you, go clean off my door.

[instrumental music]

[car horns honk]

[upbeat music]

Excuse me.

Do you know that I joined this club one month ago?

I have not received my membership cards.

- Where is the manager? - I don't know.

Could you please call the manager?

You know what, I'll find him myself.

Hey, sir.

[squawks]

[upbeat music continues]

Is everything alright, Mr. Tuttle?

Where's the god damn towel boy?

I'm not coming out of this pool naked!

Not with these parrots around here.

Manetti: Of course, Mr. Tuttle.

Yo, towel boy!

Oh, sorry.

Hi, Mr. Manetti. Hey, nice threads. Very Miami beach.

Yeah? Mr. Tuttle would like a towel.

Alright. Yes, sir.

Here you go. Hey, Mr. Tuttle.

How are you doing? How's everything?

There you are, sir. Got one.

Maybe you ought to take two, Mr. Tuttle.

I don't think one will do it.

The less seen, the better, huh?

[chuckles]

Excuse me, Mr. Tuttle. Ha ha ha.

BeHnda?

- Do you know Belinda Keaton? - No, I don't.

Now, listen, helium head.

How hard is it to distribute towels?

Well, it's a skill like anything else.

These people pay $8,000 a yearjust to join this club.

They expect some service.

Stop screwing around, or I'll put your ass out of here.

- You understand? - Yes, sir.

- Beat it! - Alright. Jack off.

- What was that? - Nothing. It wasn't me.

It was the birds-birds. I guess the birds... birds.

- What are you doing here? - What are you doing here?

- I'm looking for Belinda. - Is she working here?

Excuse me.

Hey, hey.

Hey, don't go for thinking I work here, man, 'cause I don't.

I own this place. I bought it this morning.

- Hey, straighten that strap. - Drop dead.

Oh, you're fired, alright?

Clean out your locker. You're in the archives. You're history.

Bill: Hey, Chuck, don't go up there or get in trouble, man.

Why? With who? You own the place.

I know, but I got partners.

Come on, these guys are tough. Chuck, hey...

Hey, Chuck, I'm not kidding these guys

are built like checker cabs, man.

Don't-- Woman 7: Hey!

- Sorry. Belinda! - Hey, Chuck, don't go in there.

I'm sorry.

I'm not letting you get--

Sorry. Health department.

Man 6: Hey, we're in here!

What am I going to do?

Do you want a membership? I get a commission--

Will you just stay out of my life?

Sure. You don't have to tell me three times, pal.

I'm out, bud.

♪ Here comes the night ♪

♪ If I could be in the light of you ♪

♪ I cannot be thinkin' about you ♪

♪ Here comes the rain ♪

Alright, can I buy you a drink?

Uh, no, I-I changed my mind. I don't work here.

Hey, I'll make it worth your while.

No, really. I-I don't feel like it. Okay?

Hey, the party's just starting.

No. I really don't feel like it. Okay?

- Come on. - Belinda!

Am I glad I found you. I've got to talk to you.

- Hey, I saw her first. - No.

- Actually, I saw her first. - What is it?

Remember the argument we had at the morgue?

- Yeah, and you were right. - I was wrong.

- Are you done? - No. Now listen.

You were waiting for me to say something.

Actually you were waiting for me to say, "I love you."

But I didn't have the guts then.

Man 7: Hey. - I've got the guts now!

I love you, too.

Come on, I'll show you how much.

Listen, slime, you have exactly three seconds

to take your hands off this particular woman.

One...

- Oh, oh, Chuck? - Hold on, Chuck.

I'm coming, buddy.

fihud]

Where's the manager?

You guys stay right here!

Bill, Bill? Are you alright?

Did you break anything, Bill?

I caught an updraft.

- Are you okay? - Yeah, I'm alright.

No, don't worry. I'm alright. I'm alright.

Fortunately, the ground broke my fall.

Never mind me. Tell her what you were going to tell her.

Yeah.

BeHnda?

You love me?

Yeah, yeah. I said it.

[instrumental music]

I didn't say it.

Belinda...

I love you.

[slow music]

- Can we do that again? - Yes.

Bill: Chill it, guys. My neck...

you got my neck a little bit.

- I'm sorry. - I'm real happy for you.

Okay, pisshead, you're fired!

You know that suits him just fine.

He's no towel boy. He's an idea man!

He couldn't find his asshole with a funnel.

Chuck, never mind. The guy is right.

- He's wrong. - He's right.

I've never done one thing...

lever said I was going to do.

That is not true. Remember the first time I met you.

You said, "Alright, I'm gonna make a man out of you. “

Do you think I could have done all this without you?

Done all what?

[slow music]

First of all, you can't talk to my very good friend

and the woman that I love like that.

Now, look.

I know that you're a very powerful man.

I know that you could break my back

like a little toothpick.

There's only one question I've got to ask.

Is that a gun under your jacket?

Fine.

[water splashes]

Raid.

Vice squad. It's a raid.

Vice squad. Vice squad.

[parrot squawking]

- Ya-a-ay. - Oh-o-oh.

[honking]

Man 8: Put some clothes on, idiot!

Hey, don't touch the car, punk!

Wait, they're not coming. We made it!

And you did it!

You were great!

You were kissing!

I'm cold.

You were fabulous!

- There you go. - Ooh, hey, thanks.

Hey, Chuck. Here you go.

Microwave clothing. Listen to this.

That way you can stay warm

and bake a potato in your pants.

I guess you can do better than that.

I could kill for a baked potato.

- Let's eat! - Yeah.

♪ And I never thought I'd feel this way ♪

♪ And as far as I'm concerned ♪

♪ I'm glad I've got a chance to say ♪

♪ That I do believe I love you ♪

♪ And if I I should ever go away ♪

♪ Well then close your eyes ♪

♪ And try to feel the way we do today ♪

♪ And then if you can remember ♪

♪ Keep smilin' ♪ ♪ Smilin' ♪

♪ Keep shinin' ♪ ♪ Shinin' ♪

♪ Knowin' you can always count on me ♪

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ For the good times ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ And the bad times ♪ ♪ Bad times ♪

♪ I'll be on your side for ever more ♪

♪ That's what friends are for yeah ♪

[instrumental music]

♪ And now, though you heard it all before ♪

♪ Well I'll tell you one more time ♪

♪ So I can be completely sure ♪

♪ So you know how much I love you ♪

♪ And if I should ever go away ♪

♪ Well then close your eyes ♪

♪ And try to feel the way we do this day ♪

♪ And then if you can remember ♪

♪ Keep smilin' ♪ ♪ Smilin' ♪

♪ Keep shinin' ♪ ♪ Shinin' ♪

♪ Knowin' you can always count on me ♪

♪ For sure ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

♪ For the good times ♪ ♪ Good times ♪

♪ And the bad times ♪ ♪ Bad times ♪

♪ I'll be on your side forever more ♪

♪ That's what friends are for ♪

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]