Original subtitles

You from the Fort?

That's right, Sergeant Morgan, sir.

Pleased to meet you. I'm Jim Hardie from Wells Fargo.

You got your credentials?

Yes, sir.

Bring it on down here, Mike.

Well, everything seems to be in order here.

If you'll just sign this receipt,

you can take possession immediately.

There's too much money in that box

for me to handle alone, sir.

I'll bring back a detail of troopers, Wednesday,

day after tomorrow, to pick it up.

Oh, I see.

Well, in that case, I'll leave it

over at the jail there with the sheriff.

You can pick it up there.

If you want to catch the Sheriff, you better hurry.

I hear he's going out on this stage.

Hmm. All right, much obliged.

Give me a hand, Mike.

Thank you, Mike.

Hello, Sheriff. Hi, Jim.

Well, what's this I hear about you leaving town?

That's right. I'm taking pretty boy here over to the state prison.

You know Maxey, don't you? Yeah.

Wanted posters don't do you justice, Maxey.

I see you're still wearing that lavender toilet lotion there.

I smell clean.

That's more than I can say for you saddle-stiffs.

Shut up. What's on your mind, Jim?

I wanted you to help me look after this box

till the Army gets in here to pick it up.

Oh, what's the matter with Wells Fargo safe?

Little too small. Besides, our agents are all sick.

When's the Army picking it up?

Day after tomorrow.

Well, looks like you'll have to look after it yourself.

You can put it in one of the cells back there.

If you lock somebody up,

just throw them in the other one.

If I lock 'em up? I'm not the sheriff around here.

Well, I can fix that.

Do myself a favor at the same time.

I've been wondering who I could get

to take care of things while I was gone.

Raise your hand.

Don't you have any deputies?

Yup, one. I just got him.

Swear to do the duties of the deputy sheriff

to the best of your abilities?

I got no choice.

Such a heartrendin' ceremony.

I told you to shut up.

Come on.

I'm coming.

Good luck, Sheriff.

- Hyah, hyah! - Giddup!

Stay in the chair!

I ain't a-gonna hurt you, you sissy!

Ooh!

All right, all right, if it ain't satisfactory,

I'll only charge 50 cents.

Help! Let me up.

Be with you right away. Help, let me up.

50 cents is my bottom price.

Jim Hardie, what're you doing in town?

Please, keep him off me. I'm helpless.

That's what you get for coming to a quack like this.

Come? I'm riding by on my horse,

I stop to pass the time of day,

he asked me in for coffee.

Next thing I know, he's sitting on my chest,

and he's yanking with both arms,

telling me it's only gonna cost me eight bits including labor!

You... Please.

Please, mister, let me keep this road safe for travelers.

See what I get for saving a man from lockjaw?

It's a real mean molar, too. That's an incisor.

Molar, 'cisor, it hurts all the same.

Hmm, a little gold in that tooth.

Well, you're still up to your old tricks, I see.

Well, gotta do something

to keep soul and body together, Jim,

while I get my memoirs finished.

And how are the memoirs coming?

Oh, I got it up to chapter 80.

Takes me up to my sixteenth birthday.

That's the first time they hung me.

First time? Yeah, it was a real close call.

I can still feel that twisted hemp clawing at my throat.

That must have been the time

all of your lady friends banded together

and rode in there and cut you down.

No, that was about a year later.

That'll be in chapter 86.

No, this time, the posse was stringing me up,

and this greased lightning

shot out of the air and hit the rope,

left me standing there stark naked

with my boots on fire.

Electrocuted my horse and four United States deputy marshals.

They was all wearing shiny badges

just about like that one you got...

You're not turning soft, are you, Jim?

No, I'm not turning soft.

They made me the deputy sheriff

while the real sheriff's out of town,

just so I could keep an eye on you.

Gettin' so a man can't turn a dishonest penny anymore

without some blue nose with a harp and a halo hovering over him.

Color of my nose has got nothing to do with it.

Oh, I was just funnin', Jim. Just funnin'.

Let me remind you of something else, too.

The last time I saw you, they ran you out of town

for practicing dentistry without a license.

Now you're not only practicing dentistry,

you're practicing medicine, too.

What does that K.M.D. stand for on the sign out there?

K.M.D? That's "Kind of a Medical Doctor."

See, Jim, I'm trying to be honest.

Sign's gotta come down.

Now, hold on, Jim.

There ain't no law says you gotta have

a license to bury folks, is there?

I don't know.

According to statistics, there's 20 gunslingers a month,

turn up their heels here in this town.

At ten dollars a burying, a man could make real good living.

I know one thing, though. It couldn't be very legal,

or you wouldn't have anything to do with it.

I can't imagine you doing it anyway.

Too much work involved, digging all them graves.

That's the beauty of it, Jim.

I got me a man hired to dig the holes,

make the boxes. That figures.

Me? I dig up the customers, he buries them.

How do I look?

You look like you belong behind bars.

And I'll tell you this,

as long as I'm Deputy Sheriff here,

you step one inch out of line,

that's just where you're gonna wind up.

Is that clear?

Good day.

There was 30 cents in change

a-lyin' on this here table,

and you picked it up.

No, I didn't, Bart!

You're a liar!

Now, you give it to me or I'm gonna bust you!

No, honest, I didn't take it, Bart!

Hey, come here.

You gonna let him talk to you that way?

Go ahead, call him, shoot him dead.

Oh, I don't wanna fight.

You don't wanna fight?

You're gonna stand there and let him call you

a dirty, yellow-belly, thieving coyote?

Oh, he only called me a liar.

Same thing.

Here.

Bash him with that.

First, could I interest you

in a real high-class funeral?

Why? Why?

Say, you're lucky I came along when I did, boy.

You don't know the kind of people

you're up against here in this town.

Why, if you was to drop down dead here at my feet,

they'd just sweep your remains out in the street

and let the buzzards fight over 'em.

You don't say.

Young fella like you ought to make all those arrangements in advance.

Now, you take my $10 special.

I gotta pencil here somewhere.

Oh, here.

Now, for $10,

you get a bang-up square-hole grave,

three-and-a-half by seven feet,

no less than six-feet deep,

topped by 18 inches of crushed stone,

as to keep the wolves and the coyotes

from disturbing your peaceful slumbers.

Now, naturally that price includes

picking up the remains in the first place,

and for a dollar extra,

we get you a hand-whittled head marker, solid oak,

with any ten-word sentiment cut on her by the same artist.

But, mister... From now on, it's out of your hands.

You live out your natural life,

no expense to your grandchildren when the grim hour strikes.

Everything's in black and white. I do the worrying.

But, mister, I ain't got $10 to my name.

Five?

Ain't even got 5 cents.

See the sort of thing I'm up against?

I do my unselfish hardest to serve this community,

today I ain't got two 5 cents beers to rub together.

Hey, wait a minute, Doc.

You can't drink your own gin in this bar.

That ain't gin. It's nitroglycerin.

If my $10 special holes hit bedrock

that has to be jarred loose.

Nobody jar this stuff.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Hey, go ahead and knock his block off.

You Doc Dawson, the sawbones

whose name's on that sign outside?

That's me, Doc Dawson,

friend and humanitarian, dispenser of good.

Now, you just step over here and climb in my chair

and open your mouth.

It'll be two bits a tooth

and eight bits for a mouth full.

With your swollen jaw, you better take the bargain rate.

Wait a minute, you got me wrong,

I don't want no teeth pulled.

Well, say, now that a look at you, I should know better.

You're standing at the brink of the great divide.

Why, man, you're the walking shadow of death.

The end ain't sneaking up on you. It's jumping at you.

Now, I can give you my $10 special for $9,

if you ain't particular about the head marker.

Grab your tool kit and come with me.

I got a a job for you.

A job, you say?

Yeah, you are Doc Dawson, aren't you?

Just the same, I ain't pulling anymore jobs.

I done my tricks and served my time.

I ain't squeamish about cutting corners

like pulling a few teeth without a license, but that's all.

Well, there's one job you're gonna do tonight.

Now get your bag and bring plenty of medicine and bandages.

You're coming with me.

But I can't! It ain't legal!

Who cares? You do a good job,

and there'll be a nice of piece money in it for you.

Now, are you walking out, or am I gonna carry you?

First time I've ever took money under protest.

So I kept moving the bracelets till his wrist was bleeding raw.

When he unlocked 'em to take a breather,

I jumped.

Whew! Do you have to stink the place up with that stuff?

Just keep filing, Red.

Open up, it's Solo.

He's the best I could get, Maxey.

I don't care what he looks like.

Just so long as he can get this slug out of my shoulder.

Were you followed? I don't think so.

Well, get out to the barn

and tell the boys to keep a sharp lookout.

Can't afford to have our plans fouled up.

Right.

Will you stop smelling and get to work?

That smell's enough to make anybody sick.

No wisecracks, mister.

Just get this slug out of my shoulder,

and remember, I don't like to be hurt.

Eh, pulling teeth is my specialty,

Say "ah." Ah.

That there right there, is that the least bit sensitive?

You'll see how sensitive I am.

Now, get to work. Okay.

Here, you better have a drink.

Much obliged. Not you!

Ahem. Here goes.

What are you doing back?

Didn't think you'd be back till day after tomorrow.

Aw, Maxey got away.

He jumped of the stage at Cedar Grade.

Did you go after him?

Yeah, but no luck.

I got a shot off, though.

He's carrying a hunk of lead.

That could mean a good deal of trouble for us, Sheriff.

How's that?

When you picked Maxey up,

he had a gang of men roaming around those hills out there,

and they're still out there.

Except now Maxey's loose,

and he knows about this money being held here till day after tomorrow.

I think what we'd better do is

get a man off out there at the fort,

tell them to get in here and pick it up tomorrow instead,

before Maxey has a chance to.

And you can have that as souvenir of my surgical skill.

That'll be six bits.

Not so fast, Doc.

I ain't out of the woods yet.

I might get blood poisoning and die.

Right you are, friend.

It's always best to make arrangements ahead of time, too.

Now, you take my $10 deluxe special funeral arrangement...

Sit down and shut up.

You'll be the only one who'll need a hole to crawl into.

Listen, Red.

You know your way around the fort.

I want four cavalry uniforms tonight.

Tonight? What's the rush?

They ain't supposed to pick up the payroll till Wednesday.

Tonight.

After you get the uniforms, camp at the gulch.

You're riding into town tomorrow a day early,

so you don't tangle with the real cavalry.

Now beat it. Don't come back without the money.

Oh, what about him?

We can't let him go.

Come on, Doc.

Boss says you need the air.

I got nitroglycerin here in my hand!

Any one of you lay a hand on me,

and I'll blow us all to kingdom come,

providing they let us in.

Think again, Doc.

You'll be the first to go.

All right, so I go.

I'm 72 years old, wore-out, lonesome,

pain in every joint, ache in my chest bone,

sometimes I look down to see the knife blade.

Can't sleep nights, can't stay awake in the daytime.

Friends gone, folks gone, money's gone, my teeth's gone.

Ears are ringing, my eyes are fading,

Seen about everything by now there is to see anyway.

About all I got to look forward between here and the slaughter pen

is pain and mange.

And you laying there, Maxey,

trying to threaten me with the pain of death.

He's trying to scare us with a bottle of cough syrup.

Grab him, Solo.

Simmer down, Grandpa.

I'll give you back your cough syrup.

Give me that!

The old buzzard meant it.

He's crazy! Let's put him away before he kills us for good!

No, lay off, Red.

This is a handy bird to have around.

You got any more of that stuff, Doc?

Yeah. Well, if I ain't, I can make some mighty quick.

Well, you just stick around.

My plans don't go through tomorrow,

we could still use you.

Now get going, boys.

I'll watch Grandpa.

Hey. Hmm.

My shoulder's killing me.

Every time I move my arm,

my wound feels like it's full of broken glass.

What did you do to me anyways?

Might have left a pair of tweezers in there by mistake.

Lose lots of tweezers that way.

May be you better let me take an inventory of my bag,

see what's missing.

Hand me the bag.

Whatever's in there's gotta come out.

Well, don't get your blood pressure up,

I'll take a look at it.

Hmm...

Hmm! What does that mean?

It's bad, real bad.

Something's gotta be done pretty quick.

Here.

Aah! Aah!

Well, thanks for looking after things for me, Jim.

You gonna stick around for a while?

No, I'll be pulling out soon as the Army gets in here

to pick up the payroll.

They ought be here any time now.

What do you suppose Bob Dawson's up to?

I haven't seen him ride that fast

since he used to try to get away from a sheriff's posse.

Jim, Sheriff.

You're back sooner than I expected.

Anything go wrong?

What makes you ask that?

I hear tell Maxey got away.

That's right, he did.

But how'd you know?

Oh, jackrabbit's got big ears in these parts.

Pick up something, gets around mighty quick.

$1,500 reward, too.

Be worth a man's while to bring Maxey in.

You thinking about doing that, are you, Dawson?

Well, like I said, it's worth a try.

Hey, supposing you and me and the sheriff here,

supposing the three of us brought Maxey in,

I get the reward?

No, you only get $500 of it,

for information leading to his arrest.

I see.

Gotta bring him in alone, huh?

What about the rest of the gang?

Any reward for them, too?

$500.

Five hundred extra, huh?

Eh, let's see now, that...

That makes two thousand.

It's a nice, tidy little sum, two thousand.

Like the sound of it. Yeah.

Two thousand, two thousand.

I think your troubles are just about over, Jim.

The troopers are here.

They are?

Hello there, Sergeant.

Mr. Hardie.

Right on time.

I'd better get back on time, too.

Lots of men waiting for their pay back at the fort.

So if you'll turn it over,

I'll be on my way.

Be glad to. We had to change our plans just a little.

We moved it out of the jail

over to the Wells Fargo office.

I'll pick it up and be right with you.

Right.

Mister, will you please water our horses?

Hoist your money grabbing mitts, you yellow-bellied coyotes.

I know what you're up to.

You ain't a-gonna get away with it.

What is this anyway?

Oh, you don't know? Maxey forgot to tell you, huh?

Well, just march right over there

and drop the guns in that barrel.

He's crazy.

Do as he says. Hurry up.

Now get inside there.

Quick, go in.

In that first cell, right there.

Get in there, you varmints.

You're making a big mistake, mister.

Now, let's see, that's five hundred.

All I gotta do in bring Maxey in and I can retire from undertaking.

Let's see...

I ain't taking no chance with you fellas.

Where's the cavalrymen?

Cavalry, my eye, Jim.

That's Maxey's gang. I just locked them up.

Locked 'em up?

Those men are from the fort.

Fort, my eye, Jim. They's crooks.

See, I took a slug out of Maxey's shoulder last night,

and I heard 'em talking.

He said they was gonna dress up like soldiers,

and come in here a day early and grab that money box.

I sent word to the fort and told them to come in here a day early.

You did? Yes, I did.

Now, why don't you stick to being an undertaker

and let me be the detective?

Well, if that was Maxey's men you locked up,

this must be the men from the fort.

Get that box and get it inside there.

You recognize any of them?

Well, my eyes are failing me.

Failed me something fierce. Abandoned.

Sure hard times when a poor old fella like me can't afford spec...

Quit stalling.

Well, I made a little mistake, Jim.

Them two fellers in front there is Maxey's boys.

You gotta be sure.

We can't afford to shoot down any government men.

That one on the right there,

he's the one that put the gun in my ribs and took me to Maxey.

Then go unlock those government troops and get them out of there,

and give them their guns back. We may need them.

You men from the Fort? That's right.

We were sent to pick up an Army payroll.

Told it would be in the jail.

You Mr. Hardie? That's right, from Wells Fargo.

However, it's not in the jail.

We had to move it.

We, uh... We were expecting you tomorrow.

We were sent a day early.

Now, look, I'm in a hurry,

so if you'll just turn it over.

You bet.

You've got the proper identification, I suppose.

We're wearing Army clothes.

Ain't that enough?

Not quite.

However, you tell me your name.

If it's a name I'm expecting to hear, that'll be enough.

Maybe this will help convince you, Hardie.

Stop or I'll throw it!

Go get them, Sheriff.

Don't be too hard on me, Jim.

Don't forget, you and me, is old friends, longstanding.

Too long I'm afraid.

Ought to take those keys and throw them away

like you did and just leave you in there for good.

Now, is that anyway to treat a man

who captured the whole Maxey gang practically single-handed?

Don't forget. I got $2,000 reward coming,

minus a couple of hundred those two you and Wills caught.

You're gonna get your $2,000 reward, too,

minus, of course, a few fines

that the sheriff's got for you.

You got them all figured up yet, Sheriff?

Yeah. $500, practicing medicine illegally,

$500 dentistry,

$500, conducting a undertaking parlor without a license.

Another $100 for withholding information from the law.

$100, blowing a hole in the city streets,

and $50, losing city property,

the keys.

That's... All told, that comes to $1,750 you owe us.

That ought to make you just about break even there, Dawson.

And if you behave yourself,

maybe you'll get out of here in,

oh, may be two, three weeks on good behavior.

Well, nice to you again, Sheriff.

Well, good luck to you, Jim.

And to you.

Let the old man out of there just after I get out of town.

Maybe that'll teach him not to try to blow the place up.

DOC: Well...

that's what I get for trying to be honest at my age.

I'm a sorry plight for sure.

Ain't nothing left but politics, I guess.

Yes, sir, public office.

Both legitimate and respectable.

Hey, Sheriff.

Any offices needin' filling in this town

before the wind blows it away?

Like a mayor or something?

Well, I'll tell you, Doc, mayors never have been too popular in Mesa City.

How would, say a dog catcher do?

Why would anybody wanna catch a dog for?

It ain't human. Poor little loyal fellas.

So cute and trusting, wagging their little tails,

sitting up, talking to you.

Make more sense than most humans.

What you got again them poor little fellas?

Nothing. It's the law.

They gotta have a license or you bring them in.

And, uh, for every one you catch,

the town pays you a dollar.

A dollar? That's right.

Say, there must be hundreds of them round about.

Did you know next to a Gila monster,

they're the most treacherous critters alive?

Always making out they're so friendly and loving,

when all they care about's how many bones

and such that's in it for them.

And they'll give a man anything from hydrophobia to fleas.

And the minute you turn to walk away,

they're always chomping at your heels.

Sheriff, at a dollar a head, I'll take that job.