Original subtitles

[ Mellow music plays ]

[ Door opens ]

[ Grunting ]

Back off, asshole. They're mine.

Oh, gosh. Sorry, Deb.

I'm such a klutz.

Why, if it isn't Mel Dennison.

Never expect to see you in frozen foods.

I've been hearing about these frozen

low-carb cauliflower hash browns that are to die for.

I know, I know -- preservatives, Mel.

But if the kids like them, maybe I'll make them from scratch.

Oh, no, Deb. Chicken nuggets again?.

Sweetie, I told you those things are super-unhealthy.

Ugh. This is why I'm so grateful

that Ron can handle so much of our company workload

while I tend to our beautiful babies and their diets.

I don't have to slave away at the office

every day like you do. [ Laughs ]

I'm messing with you, Deb.

Relax.

Anyway, toodle-oo.

[ Dramatic music plays ]

♪♪

Ugh.

[ Grunting ]

Ma'am, can I ask what you're doing?

I'm fixing your display.

The entire shelf is nothing but Dennison products.

You think people want less variety in their groceries?

This isn't South Korea.

Don't touch me!

Take note, sheeple.

This is what happens when you try to stand up

against big snack foods.

Buy Royal Crackers!

Royal Crackers!

Ow!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

[ Doorbell rings ] Matt, honey?!

Will you get that?!

Ow!

[ Doorbell rings ] [ Sighs ]

[ Groans ] [ Telephone rings ]

Matt, I'm coming up there after I'm done

and I'm gonna shove that video game right up your butthole!

Hornsby residence.

Man: I've been eating Dennison Crackers my whole life.

Threaten them again, and there will be hell to pay!

Bitch. [ Line clicks ]

[ Doorbell rings ]

What?! Hello. [ Chuckles nervously ]

Uh, someone left this on your doorstep.

Aah! Uhh!

You must be Deb Hornsby.

I'm Beverly Donovan.

Editor for Bakersfield Business Mom Magazine.

I own every issue of that! Oh.

Don't know if you've heard,

but the video of you being arrested at Gelman's

has really been making the rounds.

Look, Bev, I'm not at liberty to talk about it.

My lawyer and I are balls deep in a lawsuit

over some serious emotional trauma.

Had no idea I was being apprehended

by Officers Snowflake and Baby-Ears that day.

Deb, I will admit --

Initially, I didn't like the video.

But once I did my own research and discovered

that you're a tough-as-nails businesswoman

on the board of Royal Crackers,

arrested for protecting her company,

exposing a snack food monopoly,

all while grocery shopping for her family?

I realized that you're a perfect candidate

for our Business Mom of the Year Award.

For real? But... Mel Dennison always wins that.

Oh, big whoop. I want to be your champion, Deb,

and turn this into a true redemption story.

Matt, sweetheart!

Your food is getting cold!

Sorry. It's pizza delivery tonight, Bev.

I spent all day at the office. Didn't have a second

to whip up some of my famous cauliflower hash browns.

I'm just happy to get an inside look at the Hornsby home.

Hey, Bev, you should do a cover story on me.

Give those uptight ladies some eye candy

to soak their pantsuits.

Hey, that's a great idea, Beverly.

Why don't you do that?

Well, our magazine celebrates

self-empowered women with prominent careers

and beautiful home lives with happy, healthy children.

Uh!

Sorry I'm late.

[ Grunting ]

Uh, Matt, say hi to our guest.

She might be writing a magazine story about me.

[ Grunting ]

[ Chuckles ]

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

[ Grunting continues ]

♪♪

[ Sighs ]

Ughh...

Ugh!

I don't feel so good.

Can I be excused?

[ Groaning ]

Okay. [ Glass shattering ]

And, of course, the biggest threat

that could single-handedly wipe Royal Crackers

off the face of the earth? The texture?

-The taste? -The eradication of our

elderly customer base by common ailments?

No, this isn't a test.

Dennison Snacks.

Oh, Deb, I don't think we wanna escalate this Dennison feud.

I mean, it could give Ron

a reason to not invite me to Guys Night.

He already doesn't invite you to Guys Night.

But he's warming up to it.

I can feel it every time he calls me for Wi-Fi advice.

Deb, I'm sorry that America thinks

you're an insufferable battle-ax right now.

But do not bring your little "revenge tour" fantasies in here

just 'cause you've charmed some Cosmo magazine reject.

No offense, Beverly.

Hey, Bev. Reconsidering my pitch yet?

[ Ringtone plays ] Oh, thank God.

Excuse me, Deb. Hello?

A spread on ambrosia salad? I'm there.

Oh, my God, are you shitheads trying to blow this for me?

Between everyone here

and my absent, emotionally distant son,

I'm never getting the cover

of Bakersfield Business Mom Magazine.

Matt? Emotionally distant?

Ha! C'mon, Deb.

He's scarfing down dinner, avoiding conversation,

coming out of his room all wide-eyed to compensate.

The kid's on drugs.

What?! Oh, heavens.

Deb, let me talk to the boy.

It's best he gets his miracle tonics from somewhere safe.

I know an apothecary who travels with a very credible caravan

all the way from the mysterious east.

What's he need? A custom concoction

or just a run-of-the-mill flask of heroin water?

To hell with all that. I could use the money.

There's more where that came from.

Oh, my God, if Matt's on drugs,

this could seriously damage my chance --

[ Knock on door ]

Matt?

I bought you a new video game.

I thought we could play it together.

Theo: [ Echoing ] The kid's on drugs.

Man: ♪ Hey ♪

The kid's on drugs. ♪ Hey ♪

The kid's on drugs. ♪ Hey ♪

♪ Drugs ♪

[ Sighs ]

♪♪

Matt?

♪♪

Matt?

As Michelle Tanner would say, you're in big trouble, mister.

[ Laughter ]

Matt?

Hello?

[ Laughter continues ]

Who's there?

♪♪

[ Laughter continues ]

♪♪

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Laughter continues ]

[ Laughter continues ]

Uh, uh, crying. Tears.

Injury.

-Cut hand? -Chopping?

Oh, chopping onions. You got it!

[ Laughter ]

Well, I guess that's another point

for the guys' team, ladies.

Okay, yeah, yeah. This is so unfair.

You have an extra player on your team.

Hey, now. If you didn't want Gus around,

then maybe you shouldn't have opened

that fancy bottle of champagne

when we were in the Le Hotel Du Chateau Lovers Suite.

Oh, my God!

Gross, Dad.

Hey. Gus, buddy?

That was just a good ol' J.K.

Your mom and I thank God every single day

that we have a great kid like you.

You're our little miracle.

You all are.

Understand? Oh, God.

Sometimes in this family, we tease,

and it might feel hurtful, sweetheart.

But understand that there's no truth to these jokes.

You get all that, little man?

Yes, Papi.

Papi?! Ron: Alright.

Hey, Guy Team.

Let's bring it in for a victory hug.

[ Chuckles ]

And I guess the ladies can join in, too.

Come here, you.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

Counselor: Thank you for coming in, Mr. and Mrs. Hornsby.

We need to talk about Matt.

Listen, I know why we're here, and all I ask

is that you don't tell Beverly Donovan

about any of this.

Why wouldn't you want her to know that he's doing great?

Doing great at what? Failing?

No, he's gone from barely passing to straight A's.

Ah. I see what's happening here.

There's two Matts at this school.

I'm serious. Apparently he's engaged in class,

and his test scores are skyrocketing.

Whatever's going on at home right now, keep it up.

You two deserve real praise.

We deserve real praise for driving

all the way out here in the middle of a Wednesday!

Ever heard of e-mail, you son of a bitch?

C'mon, Stebe.

[ Door slams ]

Ah, well, it's official -- Matt's on drugs.

There's literally no other explanation.

I wish it was drugs.

Maybe that would make him funnier.

Matt has a secret, Stebe.

And I'm so ashamed that I can't even say it out loud.

It's the Dennisons.

I swear to God, if you tell me he got into Guys Night

before I did, I'm gonna go buck.

What? No. Last week, I was on the phone

helping Ron troubleshoot his router,

and I swear to God he was this close to inviting me.

Deb, if Matt can get me in over there,

do not hold out on me. I need this.

Hey! Hey, you!

You're the mouthy lady from the Gelman's video, huh?

Royal Crackers suck!

Ha ha ha! [ Horn honks ]

Oh, God!

♪♪

Mom?

Mom, are you okay?

Mom?

Mom.

Mom.

Mom! Mom! Aah!

Jesus Christ, Matt.

This would be, like, the worst "Rescue 911" episode ever.

What are you doing under there?

Oh, just wanted to see if anyone in this family

still gave a flyin' fleshlight about me.

I give a flying fleshlight.

Do you? Then what's with the freaking hole in your wall

that leads to the Dennison house, huh?

Oh. You know about that?

What do they have that we don't, Matt?

Tell me. I don't know.

The food tastes terrible there,

and they only allow an hour of screen time a night.

But they're just happy.

And I just wanted to get away from all the people

making fun of us over your Gelman's video.

It was embarrassing.

Was it, Matt?

Was it embarrassing to see your working mother

protect her business and provide for her family?

Was that embarrassing for you?

You can go to your room!

And I don't mean the Dennison one with all that cool shit!

[ Mellow music plays ]

Uh! Jesus Christ!

Oh, my gosh, Mel. Are you okay?

They gotta tighten the wheels on these damn things.

Ha ha ha.

Oh, Deb. Hi.

I-I thought you were banned from Gelman's.

I'm on probation. Lucky for you.

'Cause, otherwise, I'd fill some plastic bags

with cauliflower hash browns

and go "Full Metal Jacket" on your bony tits.

I'm sorry. Is something wrong?

You stay away from my son.

I see your every move, lady.

Undermining my value as a mother so you can get

Business Mom of the Year Award.

Deb, I can't help that Matt happened

to find a secret tunnel system that leads to our house.

What do you want me to do?

Turn him away?

It would break his little heart.

Oh, that reminds me. I forgot to give you the invite.

Toodle-oo.

Matt Dennison's official adoption ceremony?

♪♪

[ Classical music plays ]

Oh, God, are you kidding me?!

Mel invited Beverly?

Oh, God, I'm finished.

C'mon, Deb. You're still in the running

for Business Mom of the Year.

It's like Matt's just going away to camp.

Dennison camp. Heh.

Sounds kinda cool to me. Ugh!

Hey! There they are.

Deb! You look beautiful.

I love that gown.

Oh, boy. Fashion talk.

I think this is our cue to duck on out of here, huh, Stebe?

What are you talking about? I love fashion talk.

It's one of my favorite topics.

Hey, I was wondering -- Hey, have you and I

ever discussed Guy's Night?

No.

Okay, you're coming with me.

That's an order, soldier. -[ Laughs ] The army.

Well. G.G., Mel.

You stole my only son and made my worst nightmare a reality --

Bye-bye, locally published magazine cover.

Honey, it's not personal.

Getting the cover of Bakersfield Business Mom

is essential to the Dennison brand.

And Matt is completely capable of making his own decisions.

But he's not, though. He's literally a kid.

Deb, if someone puts on a ceremony

with the expressed purpose

of declaring someone's child as their own,

that child becomes theirs.

That's the law. Everyone knows that.

That is the law.

And then there's this remote for the speaker

and this remote for the TV

and this and that and this and that,

and on and on and on and on.

So I bought this master remote and got it working

with everything except the damn satellite.

The most important part of Guys Night.

It also came with this instruction manual,

but the damn thing's so long.

I mean, come on. Who's got time to read that?

Yeah, I hear ya.

So I was, you know, hoping you could take a look at it.

Now.

I mean, you're about to adopt my child. Outside.

I know, I know, but that big brain of yours? Ha!

I'm sure you'll figure it out in no time.

Uhh! Got your dick.

Wow, small balls. -Hey, Ron?

Do you think -- Do you think maybe --

I don't know -- I could come to Guys Night?

Well...

can't have Guys Night till the satellite's fixed,

Stebe, so...

get to work.

Oh, sorry. Sorry.

Oh. Hey. Hey.

You -- You look nice.

Thanks. Uh...you -- you too.

You wear polo shirts now?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, you seem happy.

I'm doing okay.

You remember how I used to have stomach pains every day?

I don't. Oh.

Well, they went away.

I think 'cause of the new diet Mel's got me on.

Wow. That's really great.

Matt! How many dumplings have you had tonight?

There's a salad bar right over there.

And no dressing or cheese.

Aw.

[ Groans ]

Alright, everybody. We're gonna get things under way here.

We are thrilled to introduce

the Bakersfield President of Adoption!

[ Cheers and applause ] [ Panting ]

Ooh!

Hello, friends and family.

We're here today to turn this flabby young lady

into a hearty Dennison man.

[ Coughs ] If anyone here objects, please speak now.

And, Deb, before you say anything,

remember the last time you protested the Dennisons.

[ Laughter ]

Hey, keep your mouth shut. [ Laughs ]

Miss? Please stand on the Pedestal of Family.

Ron and Mel Dennison,

you may now recite the sacred oath of adoption. [ Coughs ]

Both: Adoption. Adoption.

Shmiggle-shmaggle, yay, adoption!

Now we consecrate this ceremony with the final ritual.

Mary Hornsby, are you ready to be "Double Dare" slimed?

What?

And she is a Dennison!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Man: Yeah, right on! Whoo!

Okay. Just...

So, power.

Satellite.

How to satellite.

Alright, everybody.

It's time for the mother-son dance.

Mary and Mel Dennison,

get those tight little buns on that dance floor.

[ Up-tempo music plays ]

-Aww. -Aww.

Aww, look at them.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

[ Crying ]

Great. Great job, Deb.

I was a dick hair away from fixing

Ron's satellite problem and finally getting invited

to the hottest ticket in the neighborhood.

But you just had to get out of there.

I thought you loved me.

What is this obsession with Guys Night? [ Sighs ]

Am I really that hard to be around?

My own son doesn't even want anything to do with me.

Deb, no offense, but if you're gonna let Matt

dictate how you feel about yourself,

then as Michelle Tanner would say...

[As Michelle] "You're in big trouble, mister."

[ Crying ] Oh, God!

[ Stomach rumbling ]

Ron: Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison.

Your hour of screen time has been depleted.

Toodle-oo.

Uh-uh-uh, fellow Denni--

[ Stomach rumbling ]

[ Groans ]

Huh?

Where'd this come from?

Mel: Uh-uh-uh, fellow Dennison.

Please swipe your key card

to pass through the impenetrable security door.

Toodle-oo.

Going somewhere, Matt?

Oh, I just -- I was just gonna get

some chicken nuggets from my house.

Your house? But this is your house now, Matt.

Remember? If you wanted a snack,

I would have happily prepared you a bowl of baby carrots...

with no dressing! Aah!

No, no, no. Please, no!

Please, no! Stop it!

Matt? Mom, I made a mistake.

I wanna come back. Please.

Please help me.

Aah!

[ Gasping ] Ron: Can't have Guys Night

till the satellite's fixed, Stebe.

Guys Night. The satellite.

The most essential part of Guys Night.

Oh, son of a bitch!

♪♪

Ron: Ron Dennison to Sebastian. Keep an eye out.

Insubordinate is locked in his room,

but still showing signs of resistance.

We're in for a long night.

I love you. I love you, too, Papi.

Ha!

[ Grunting ]

♪♪

Whew! Don't be too hard on yourself.

Nobody survives Deb's thunder thighs.

♪♪

Sarah here.

Insubordinate trying to escape.

I'm on it.

You've got to tie it to something first, you loser.

C'mon, Sarah. I voted you Most Likely to Succeed

for the school yearbook.

Everyone did. I'm a Dennison.

Yeah. Most Likely to Succeed at Failing.

Oh, God, the twins.

Creepsville.

I'm finding another way in.

Hailey: Hello.

Hey, Hailey.

You got some knives there?

Yeah.

Sometimes my mom lets me help chop vegetables for dinner.

But that's kid stuff.

Haaaahhh!

Mom tip -- Always use a cutting board.

♪♪

Hyah! Oh!

♪♪

I love you. [ Screaming ]

[ Laughs ]

Get off of me, you little freak show!

♪♪

Aah!

[ Laughing ]

I love you.

[ Panting ]

This is the last thing I ever do for you.

Hey, Ron? Ron. I think I know what's wrong with the dish.

Just -- Just have to get up there and check the wiring.

♪♪

Oh, no. No, no, no, no, no, no!

[ Both hissing ]

Jesus fucking Christ!

Aah!

Quick -- Ron's key card.

[ Pounding on door, twins growling ]

Hah! Hah! Ha! Ooh!

What's in the bags, Mel?

Frozen low-carb cauliflower hash browns.

I know a good idea when I hear one, Deb.

You ready to get smacked in the face by these bony tits?

♪♪

Huh! Ha! Huh! Huh!

C'mon, Stebe. Think.

You just gotta find a way up to that satellite.

♪♪

Matt! Run as fast as you can!

[ Panting ]

Oh, honey, you've been stuffing his face

with cheese pizza his whole life.

I run a 5K every year

to raise money for children with eczema.

I'll catch him.

And I'll win.

What else would you expect from the 17-time winner

of Bakersfield Business Mom of the Year?!

Oh, God!

[ Both scream ]

Aah!

Looks like she's officially washed up.

God, stop.

[ Mellow music plays ]

♪♪

Dude, did you hear? They just stocked the magazine shelves

with the new issue of Bakersfield Business Mom.

Ah, no way. Let's go check it out.

"While it's easy to label her as loud and brash,

there are some things you find out only

by spending time with her --

That underneath her hard outer shell,

she's sweet, smart, and deceptively caring.

Make no mistake -- Whether she's providing

for her family at home

or undercutting business rivals at work...

she'll go to the ends of the earth

to do what needs to be done.

So no matter what anyone else thinks about Deb Hornsby,

I'll always be proud to call her my mom."

♪♪

♪♪

♪ I can't tell you what I think of you ♪

♪ 'Cause I know that I'm too scared ♪

♪ If I tell you that I love you ♪

♪ Will you even be there? ♪

♪♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪♪

Chirp.

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