Original subtitles

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Wahey! All: Wahey!

Oh, my god! Oh-ho, that's fantastic!

Ah...

Wow.

It's so peaceful, isn't it?

Argh! Oh, stupid canvas prick!

He groans

why are all these Poles different sizes?!

What's the matter, dad? Can't get it up?

She clears throat mm...

Oh, my god, that was a joke.

Really wish I hadn't said that.

Here we go, then, Paul.

Look at this.

Woo!

I mean, that is a lot easier, dad.

That's the two-second tent for ya!

Told you you should've got one.

Yeah, dad's old one's just fine, ok? It's a classic, if anything.

Right, come on everyone, shake a leg.

Uh, we need to hit falkirk, so...

Yeah, ok, I'll be ready in a minute.

How are the toilets, Robin? Fine, before I came along.

Urgh...

No bog roll, though. Oh, no. Mm. What did you do?

Well, luckily, I had some panini football stickers in my coat,

so I've just been besmirching the faces of the current Chelsea squad.

I quite enjoyed it, actually.

Cool...

Now, can everyone look out for a capercaillie?

A cap of what?

Capercaillie. It's like a big, black, Scottish type of Turkey.

No, we shan't be doing that.

This is not a Turkey-watching holiday.

If you want to go on one of those, I suggest you book

a mini-break at Bernard Matthews' factory farm.

Rach. Um...

Sam: Well, I can set my wildlife camera, granny,

if you want, while we're out.

Aw, thank you, Sammy, love. That'd be lovely.

Rach? Mm... We... we really need to...

Yes, ok. Come on, everyone, let's go to...

Falkirk. Falkirk!

Argh! Oh, ugh!

Is there a millets? Cos we're going to need a new tent.

Ah, brilliant...

Sam: Go on, dad. Go on.

Hello and welcome to my masterpiece.

Yes, look, there it is,

my European holiday destination calculator,

with colour-coded ribbons here for each country,

and pros and cons, so that we can choose where to go.

Here's France, right here.

Under pros, we have vineyards, of course.

And under cons, we have waiters. Very rude waiters in France.

Germany.

Under pros here we have crime, cos it's got a very low crime rate,

and under cons, we've got heat, because it's not very hot.

Doorbell rings Rachel: Doorbell!

That makes sense, doesn't it?

Dad, you've put concentration camps under pros!

Well, yeah, as in places to visit, not as in...

I'm not pro-concentration camps, Sam.

Doorbell! One of you! I'll get it.

I'll cross it out, I'll cross it out.

There's l plates on the car.

Yeah, I know. Hiya, granny.

And the foxes have been back.

Oh, god! Really?

Oh, yeah. God! Sam chuckles

oh, why don't they actually eat any of it? They're fussier than we are!

Well, maybe they don't like your cooking either, Rachel.

Yeah!

What..? Hey, that's great news, Amy.

Amy: Aw, thanks, granny.

Rachel: Wha-what's that, sorry?

Well, learning to drive. Showing a bit of get up and go, finally.

Hiya, Maya, love. Hiya.

No, I'm not doing that.

No, that's, uh, that's me, actually.

Yeah, Amy can hardly get up, let alone go.

Amy laughs sarcastically you? You're learning to drive?

Yes.

Well, I thought you'd given that up

after you hit that cyclist in the late '90s.

Oh, my god, did you?

No, no, not with the car.

No, with my hand.

An open fist!

We had an argument about right of way,

and, you know, I just... I just get very tense at the wheel.

Tense? Tense? It's like being in a car with Nicolas cage.

I'm not taking you out again, I can't face it.

Well, what's brought this on, anyway?

Ok, right. Well, um... He chuckles

..brace yourself because... I have decided to train...

..To be a policeman.

Oh, wow! That's my big news.

Oh, Paul! Isn't it fantastic? Aw, bless.

After the undercover operation with Robin,

you know, I just realised... I can do it.

You know? But I do need to be able to drive.

Oh, you will be a wonderful policeman, actually.

Aw, why? Why do you think that, sue?

Well, he's just so... Racist?

Stop... stop saying that. Ok? It's genuinely very hurtful.

No, nosey, I was going to say.

And you're quite tough, aren't you? Mm.

Is he? He cut his thumb on an egg.

An eggshell. It can happen.

Yeah, I've never heard of that happening, to be honest.

Well, it can happen.

Well, I tell you what, Paul,

I could take you out in my peugeot if you want.

It's like driving a golf buggy.

Oh, thanks, Maya, yeah, that'd be great. Thank you.

And what are you going to do for money, then, Paul,

when you're in police school?

Oh, you're looking at it, sue.

The jessop family beast of burden,

off to do my hateful job while this talking dressing gown loafs around

dreaming up his next career move.

Well, don't be like that, hon! He laughs

no, I'm going to take over Amy's job at the pub

when she's goes to university. So...

Um, when are you going?

Um... Rachel: September.

September. September?

Amy clears throat yeah.

All right, sue? Didn't know you'd come over.

Oh, well, I've got people viewing the house this morning,

and Diane said it'd be better if I wasn't there for some reason.

Right. Have you been mentioning the ghost?

I have, yeah. Right.

So, how are you holding up Robin, after Cheryl?

Yep, well.

Not still crying in the bath, I hope?

No, no, don't... He laughs

no... i'm-I'm fine.

I'm a new man, sue. I've, uh... I've bought a barbour.

I've had a - you probably can't tell - full body wax.

Wow, really? Yeah. Even your...?

Yep, both of them, both barrels.

You sort of have to, these days,

if you want to get back into the dating scene, so...

Are you going to try tinder, then?

Uh, try it? I'm going to complete it, mate!

I'm treating tinder like it's pokemon go -

gotta catch 'em all!

Well, girls, that is, ladies, that is. Not stds.

Well, good for you, Robin.

Those French campsites won't know what's hit them.

Well, this is it.

If the tent's a-rocking, don't come a-knocking,

cos you might see something pretty shocking!

Laughter and groans

yeah, I wouldn't recommend having sex in a tent, actually, Robin.

Huh? It can get horribly steamy. Oh!

How would you know? What?

Huh? Yeah, apparently.

Oh, don't you worry, sis, I'll be steaming it up all right.

My tent will be whistling away like a kettle.

I've bought a new tent, as it goes.

Keep talking.

A two-second tent, it's called. It's a pop-up.

Now, you should get one, Paul. It looks absolutely brilliant.

Mum, I'm not sleeping in a pop-up tent

for the same reason I won't read a pop-up book. It's facile.

Anyway, we haven't actually decided on France, have we?

Oh! Yes, actually, I was going to say, paolo,

I've thought of another country to throw in the mix. Oh, right.

Well, I'm not sure there's enough room on the map for another.

Have you ever heard of the phrase "Scotland"?

Not really a phrase, is it?

Well, it's really very beautiful, actually, Amy.

And it's got pros coming out of its bloody sporran. Right? No!

We're talking, yes, castles... Yeah.

..Whisky distilleries.

Oh, I've always wanted to go to one of them!

Thank you, sue. No!

Uh, the cairngorms. Falkirk!

Which is... I've heard is amazing. Falkirk?

No, let's go somewhere hot in actual Europe.

Amy: Definitely. Yes.

Wow.

Wow? In what way?

Well, it's just amazing, innit? Yeah. No.

With the bookies there, look, and the traditional bins, I mean, ah...

Are we actually heading somewhere, Robin,

or are we just strolling around?

Yeah, yeah, just a bit further up is all the good stuff, so let's...

Great! ..Go up this, up this way.

Wow. Oh, there. And there's a royal bank of Scotland there!

I mean, it's another world, isn't it?

Amy: We have those in england, Robin.

Paul: Where exactly did you hear about falkirk being good, Robin?

Just uh... because it seems quite normal to me,

as in, similar to bedford.

Well, no, this is the site of a battle, so let's go in.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on.

Really? Oh, god. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ok. There might be swords inside, you know?

Just, uh...

What battle was it, sorry? Uh, one of the braveheart ones.

Why are we in...? Why are we here?

Sam: Is that cherry? What?

Is that...? Robin, is that your cherry?

Oh, my god. Are you serious?

Um... um... Yeah. Well...

Um... Robin, we should probably explain.

A pony? No. No way.

What happened to the horse?

If I arrive on a pony, iain, I will look enormous!

Oh, my god!

I'll call you back.

Wow, cherry, what are the chances of...?

No, Robin, no way. No? Ok.

I cannot deal right now. I cannot even deal.

What's going on? I still love you, chez.

One of you, please, get him out of here.

No, I love you, chez. Go on, go on.

Just wait, wait. Wait, wait.

I learnt it for you, chez. I learnt the cubana for you, babe. I did.

Sam: Oh, god.

Just wait, just wait, just let me... And I bought a barbour.

Ok, rach... Sue: What?

Yep, ok. One, two, three, one, two, three.

What's happening?

One, two, three, one, two, three, one, two, three.

Excuse me. Well, not now, don't...

Well, that's ridiculous.

Sam: I mean...

Robin...

I still love you, chez.

Oh, my god.

Please don't marry him.

Sue: Robin... Sam: Oh, god.

Sue: That's amazing. Look at him.

Cherry: Robin... Thank you, sue.

..You're embarrassing yourself, and me.

I still love you. Everyone, really.

He doesn't love you like I love you.

I would get you a horse. A horse?

You know I would.

I would.

I would.

I'd get you a horse.

Sorry, can you stop dancing now, please, that's enough.

That's enough, sorry. Thank you. I'm still in the middle of it. Thank you, stop.

And can you stop filming, please. Don't touch my camera.

Rachel: Oh, god, not again.

I mean, I could always get a night-vision wildlife camera,

see how the foxes are actually getting into the bin.

Yeah, I mean, how would that help?

Well, I don't know, but it would help me.

I've been wanting to get one of them for a while.

I just don't understand it, where is the...?

Amy. Amy. There's a letter from swansea.

Amy... Amy: Yep.

What are you looking for? Sunglasses.

I'm out driving with Maya,

and I need something in the event of glare.

Is it, uh, where you're living?

Because if you give me the address, we can look it up on street view.

No, it's, um, confirmation that I've given up my place.

What? That you've...? What do you mean?

I've given up my place at swansea.

What?

A couple of months ago, when Maya and I weren't talking,

I figured I didn't want to go there any more.

Yeah, yeah, but you and Maya have sorted it,

so call them, get it back. Yeah, but I don't want to.

I don't want to just follow Maya around, I want to do my own thing.

Yeah, but do your own thing at university,

while you can.

I never got a chance to do that, Amy. I had to work in a cinema.

Oh, cool! No, not cool!

This was the early noughties -

there were some extremely poor films being made back then.

Well, it's done, mum, I'm not going.

I had to watch vanilla sky 14 times. It was a nightmare.

Maya: Paul, are you ready, then?

I'm sorry if you're disappointed.

Yep, ready!

All right! Um...

Rach, remind me, I need to buy some sunglasses before the holiday.

Uh, no, no, need. We're going to Scotland.

What? Scotland? Mm.

But my destination calculator, that's saying crete.

I thought you wanted to go somewhere hot?

No, I did, and then I spoke to Robin about it, and I changed my mind.

Ok, all right. Well, we are talking about this later,

because Scotland, schmotland, frankly!

Sorry. All good.

Sam: Are you driving into town?

Uh, yeah, can do.

Ok, maybe speed up a little bit.

Yeah, it's 20mph around here, Maya, thank you.

Yeah, I know, but you're doing... six.

Where's first? It's just... I can't... it's so far away.

It's a bad design. It's a bad design.

Let's try an emergency stop. Ok.

Ok, when I tap the dashboard, ok? Yep, yep.

Ok...

Horn beeps, tyres screech

huh? Why did you honk?

Well, you know, if you if you're stopping in an emergency, Maya,

it's going to be someone else's fault,

so it's essential that you honk... In order to tell them off.

Right, here we go. That wasn't a bad start, was it?

It was ok. Shush. Engine revs

on your left, dad! Huh?! Stop honking!

Oh, where did he come from?

That's a parked car. You lunatic!

Is it?

Look, I really think you need lessons

from a proper instructor, Paul.

I can't afford them, Maya. Please, I'm sorry.

I'm listening. I'll do everything you say from now on.

Ok, right. Let's do a hill start, then.

Except that. I can't do them.

Ok. Ok, then, fine. Right, good.

Oh, god. Oh, god. Right, so ease off the brake. Yep.

Yep, bring up the clutch. Uh-huh.

And revs. Accelerator.

Engine revs, wheels screech

no, see, I can't. I can't do this. I can't.

I can't drive. This is pointless.

Paul sighs I should just give up.

You know what, I'm just going to walk to the high street.

Thanks, Sam. Thanks for the support, buddy.

I'm not risking my life.

No, right, come on, Paul. Ok? Let's try again, yeah?

Engine on. Engine starts

bring up the clutch. Revs.

No, brake. Brake... brake! Horn beeps

Paul, stop honking! No, brake! Paul!

Hands on the wheel! Hands on the wheel! Stop honking!

I mean, why didn't you tell us?

Because you wouldn't have agreed to it.

So what? You trick us into going to Scotland, then? Great!

You didn't tell me you'd quit university

and he didn't tell me he'd given up learning to drive.

Since when do we tell each other anything in this family?

So, cherry's getting married in Scotland, is she?

Yes, mum. Keep up!

He sighs

what did you think was going to happen, Robin? Huh?

I guess I thought I'd do the dance and then we'd scoop her up,

you know, take her with us.

Graduate style.

I mean, it's genuinely mad.

It's romantic, actually.

You wouldn't understand.

Ok, I've got a great idea.

Why don't we all go to a distillery? Definitely.

Oh, yeah. Ok, mum, that's a great idea.

You know, let's just take this heartbroken,

highly addictive blancmange of a man

to a whisky wholesalers the day before his ex-girlfriend's wedding.

Yeah, ok!

Well, I for one, need a drink. Yeah, me too.

Yep. Go on, pick a tent, quickly.

All right.

Oh, Robin. Oh...

Found anything interesting?

This viaduct was in Harry Potter. Oh!

You? Ah, yeah, just that one.

You want to do an historic tour of the university of Glasgow?

Uh, no, I just...

Well, I thought you might want to see it while we're here.

Talk to someone about applying. Don't start this again, mum.

Just think about it. I have thought about it.

Think about it a bit more, then.

I don't want you to end up like me, ok?

Amy scoffs yeah, and nor do I.

I'm completely with you on that.

If you're not happy with where you've ended up, mum,

that's on you.

Don't put that on me.

I'm not...

I'm not... ugh...

Welcome to balhousie, everyone!

He strains

ok. Who's on my four o'clock?

It's then finished in vintage oloroso Sherry casks

from montilla-moriles, in Spain.

We like to say it's like having your throat gently licked.

Blimey!

I mean, that is a ridiculously short kilt, isn't it?

Looks like Britney Spears.

Sh! No, it doesn't. I think it really suits him.

Well, of course you do.

I mean, any shorter, and you'd be able to see his caber.

Anyone like to give it a try?

Yes, please, boss. Over here.

Yeah, just, a dram for this man, a wee dram.

A wee dram from the big yin, eh?

And can I tempt you ladies? Ah, yes, you certainly can.

Oh, yeah, lovely. You certainly can, thank you.

And me, thanks. I'm not a lady, but I'm also here, thank you.

Thank you, mate, cheers.

Oh... oh, that's lovely and strong.

Ah, strong but also delicate, with a really good body.

It has got incredible body, yes. Well spotted.

Thanks. Uh...? Uh, Rachel. Rachel.

Not many people pay attention to body.

Oh, I do. Yeah, I'm very body conscious.

Urgh! Ah, yuck. No, that's not for me, that.

Tastes of listerine, if anything.

I love it. I love it.

Ok. This way, then, please. Urgh!

Follow on, guys.

Can I get a bit... horrible. ..More in?

What are you doing? Sam: Sorry, what was that?

Why are you filming everything?

Um, I'm making a documentary about the holiday and my family.

Why?

I don't know. I guess it stops them from talking to me.

Right. Where are you staying?

In the, uh, cairngl... cairnglen...

Cairngorms? Cairngorms. Yeah, so are we.

Oh, right, well we should, uh...

Are you on insta or anything? No, I hate all that.

Yeah, me too. We're in the big yellow camper Van.

Ok. Look out for us.

Yep. Big yellow camper Van. Will do, thanks. Bye.

Ah... try... try that one again. Ok.

I like it and I plan to buy it,

I just want to check that it's my favourite. That's no problem.

Sue coughs

bloody hell! You could power a tanker with that.

It is a nudge stronger, yes.

And currently, at the mightily discounted price of 129.99.

Ok, ok. Yeah, we can't afford that.

Yeah, well, it's my money, isn't it? So it's up to me.

But, yeah, that is a bit much.

Or there's our signature kilchuaine 10.

Oh, wow.

This one is flirty and fun, with a playful peppery,

peaty edge that dances over your tongue.

Peaty? Like peat? As in the soil?

Uh, I see you've found the shortbreads, then, Paul.

Yeah. Is there...

Is there any compost you're getting there or hints of manure?

Ah, sorry about him. He mistakenly thinks he's funny.

Yeah. What?

Mugs. The pair of you. Mugs.

Uh... I'm sorry?

Well, that bloody porridge oats man... oh, god...

..Flashes a bit of thigh and you two get all weak at the knickers

and get your credit cards out.

That is not actually true.

I really loved the kil... kilch-wain 10.

And it was actually excellent value.

It was. Considering all the free samples he gave us.

Yeah, that's a point. Are you all right to drive, mum?

Of course. As long as we go slowly. What? What does that mean?

It means... it means I'm fine.

Are you over the limit? No, stop it, I'm not, no.

Come on then, sue. Crack your one open then.

What? No! Get off! Go on. I only want a dram.

Hands off! No, you're not!

Can you calm down in the back, please?

Just tell her to share! Tell her to share, then!

Tyres screech, they scream

sorry, sorry. Oh, my god! Be careful.

Can you just please be quiet in the back, please?

These roads are disgustingly windy.

Sorry. Siren wails

what? Oh.

Po-po, rach. I think he wants you to pull over.

I know, I know that. I know how to drive, remember.

Cool. Oh, great. Yeah.

Ok, we have to swap. What? Swap?

If he breathalyses me, we're in quite a lot of trouble.

What? I thought you said you weren't over the limit?!

Yes. Well, I lied!

That hot scot shit gave me about 40 glasses of whisky,

so huddle up everyone, so he doesn't see. Oh, no.

Huddle up. Huddle up together, please so he can't see.

Take the whisky, take the whisky. Take the shortbread.

Oh... are you ok? Yeah.

They're getting out. Paolo, they're getting out.

Ok, ok, ok. Ok. He's coming!

Argh!

Seat belt on. I mean, this is ridiculous.

Seat belt. Absolutely ridiculous.

And calm, cool. Cool, cool, cool.

Knock on window, window lowers

good evening, officer. How can I help?

You were weaving all over the road.

Yes. Yes, I was. Um, on purpose,

because I was practising evasive manoeuvres,

as I know you guys have to.

I was, uh, thinking of training to be a policeman myself.

Have you been drinking, sir? No, not a sausage, sir.

Licence, please.

Yeah. Um, babe, have you got my wallet there?

Because uh...

Oh, you know what? I...

Oh... I think I've left it in the hotel. I am so sorry. Honestly.

Step out of the car, please.

Yep. That's easily done.

Thank you.

Oh, cool, he's got one of them.

I mean, I can't believe he didn't even question

that dad was the driver.

Thank god for sexism! Finally, there's an upside.

Yep.

He's coming back, he's coming back.

Hey. Hiya.

Well, that all seems fine.

Thank you, officer!

Brilliant, thank you so much. Honestly, thank you so much, really.

Be careful driving in these mountain roads, ok?

Yes, will do. And you.

Off you go, then.

Ok, thank you. Thank you so much. Thanks again. Cheers.

Why is he still there? Is he still there? Yeah.

What is it?

It's a hill start.

Yeah. You can do that, can't you?

Well, I haven't been able to yet, no. Oh...

And that's without a terrifyingly dour Scottish policeman watching.

Sam: They're still there, dad.

Oh, come on, you can do it.

I believe in you.

Ok. Ok. Yeah, yeah. Ok. Revs, revs.

Mirror. Yeah. Clutch.

Mirror. The biting point. Yep.

I've got the handbrake. Ok. Off we go.

Engine revs

ah...

Yes! Yes! You've done it!

Yes, dad!

Cheering

oh, I'm driving!

I'm a driver!

Oh, you're my hero. You are my hero.

How's the head this morning, then, Robin?

Throbbing a bit, yeah.

Urgh...

Not exactly two seconds to put it away again, is it? No.

They don't show you that on the YouTube video.

I know, it's a bugger.

Can you stop it? She laughs

he playfully chomps

ok, come on, everyone. Let's, um... Let's get packed up, yeah? Yep.

Woo! Yeah, we're trying.

Amy, wake up. Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Come on, darling. Ooh, yeah!

We're going to have to, um...

..Take my tent back like this, I'm afraid.

What do you mean? Well, no, just...

Well, it won't pop down.

So, we might have to, uh, strap it to the roof of the car.

Oh, god. What, like a snail?

I can get it. I can get it, sue.

I just need to sort of bend it into submission.

Amy?

Oh, you're all... well done! Morning.

Yeah. Um, can you take me to aberdeen ferry terminal, please?

Why?

I'm going to Norway. What?

We're going to the cairngorms.

Yeah, I know, but there are ferries to Norway, and... I want to go.

For how long?

Don't know. A few weeks. Or months.

I've got some money saved up from the pub,

so... I'll just see what happens.

Amy, you... you haven't thought this through.

You can't just go to Norway on a whim. Ok.

Ok? Ok. We're ok with that, are we?

If that's what you want to do, of course we'll drop you off.

Thank you.

Robin: Right, bag.

You won't get it in there, Robin.

That's like trying to put a condom on a Christmas tree.

Just try it. At least try it. No.

Now, don't let go of that, Robin. I've got him, sue.

Love you.

I've got him.

Hey, at least I can take some of your shifts at the pub now, Amy.

That's a plus. Sure, dad, knock yourself out.

Here you go, look.

What's this, bilbo?

My wildlife camera caught something last night.

Oh! Hopefully my capercaillie.

What, um...? When...?

What were you filming last night, Sam?

Uh, well, it's motion activated,

so it kind of just turns on on its own.

There, look. Oh, yeah. Holy shit! Are those birds?

Don't be silly. They're massive. That's two people.

Turn it off, please. Don't watch that, Sam.

Please turn it off. Sam... I'll turn it up.

No, Amy, don't turn it up. Don't turn it up - turn it off!

Amy, seriously...! Turn it off! Vibration

listen to your mother, please. No, no, no, no!

That's disgusting. What's that buzzing? Is that on the video?

Just close your eyes. Oh, no, it's my phone. Sorry, it's my phone.

Could you fish it out of my pocket?

Yeah, well, how do you think you were made?

Groans on video

oh, my godfathers! You dirty ducks! That's really disgusting.

Completely natural, we love each other!

Oh, don't make it worse!

Robin, it's cherry.

Oh, what? Got to get this!

Don't...! They scream

cherry!

Yeah, of course.

I mean, yeah.

Oh, me too.

Tie it up properly, mum, there. Yeah, I am.

We've got to go on the motorway with this.

It will be fine.

I'm nervous about it, to be honest.

So, um, I've been thinking...

In a good way?

Uh, I think I want to go to university.

Sorry, I know that's mad, in some ways,

I mean, I'd be part time, you know, I'll still work.

I just want to try something else.

I mean, let's face it,

I've not exactly been at my best this last year, have I?

Of course you have.

Rach... you're the best person I've ever met.

And I've met mo farah.

Whatever you need, we'll make it work.

Oh, god, get a room.

Actually, no need. You two just go at it outside these days.

Whoa, sass!

You know, can you go to Norway, please?

Yeah, I'm trying. The next ferry's in, like, three hours, so...

Take the shortbread with you, Amy.

Sam: Oh, no way.

You looking for me?

Oh, I was... I was hoping I'd bump into you.

Yeah. Why?

Um, well, uh...

You never told me your name and I wondered what it was.

Stop filming me, then.

He laughs nervously what do you mean?

Stop filming me, and I'll tell you.

Um, no, I can't. It's a documentary project,

to sort of film everything. It's what I...

And I'll give you my phone number if you turn the camera off.

Uh... well, only...

Ok. Yeah?

Uh...

Yeah. Uh... yeah.

Music: Banjo 2 by James yorkston & the athletes

♪ we pulled up with three miles to go

♪ your words and tears ran wild

♪ you certainly choose your moments there

♪ you certainly caught me unaware. ♪

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