Original subtitles

Wahey! Wahey!

Oh, my god!

Well, that's ridiculous.

Oh-ho-ho-ho. I mean, where do you start? I know. Come to daddy.

Wow, wow, wow. Wow. What's that? What choice. Where do you start?

Um allora, per me,

una pizza diavola, per favore.

Grazie.

Ok, one pizza diavola.

Prego. It's spicy, do you know that?

Si, yep, I know. Grazie. Ah, right.

Ok. Um, I will also have a pizza diavolo, thank you. It's diavola.

And do you know what, I will have a pizza diavolo, as well. Diavola.

Quattra. What? No, no, no, hang on.

So, that's four pizza diavolos? I'll get one as well.

Well, no, wait, Sam, we can't all order the same thing.

Why not? Because, you know, it makes us look very unsophisticated.

We are. And sheltered,

like we've all just escaped from some kind of clinic

and it's our first time in a restaurant.

Clinic? You're overthinking it a bit, hon. I mean, it's a bit...

We're all basically ordering meat on toast.

We may as well all eat out of one big trough.

Well, you order something else, then. Well, I ordered it first.

Ok, well, I want a pizza diavole, so I'm getting one.

Yeah, me too. What's Maya having, Amy?

Amy: Yeah, she's just texting me now. Ok.

Look, to be fair to Rachel,

if anyone wants the more expensive stuff, do order it.

You know, like the, erm, the ossobuco or something.

Ossobuco. Oh, god no.

I mean, it's all on the house, so we should get our money's worth.

What, as in their money's worth?

Cheers. Or maybe the polenta?

Nah. Anyone? Or anything with vegetables in?

No, thanks. Come on. I'm happy.

Why would you have vegetables? Oh, please?

No? Go on, then, rach, since it's you, I'll have a side salad.

Thank you, Dean. Amy? No worries, babe.

Well, I was going to order the sea bass,

but now I'm going to get the pizza diavola just to annoy you.

Brilliant, brilliant. Very clever. Very clever.

Yeah, now, I'd like the spaghetti alle vongole, please.

Great. Well done, sue.

Uh, which ones are the vongoles, again?

Erm, mussels... or clams. Oh, no, no, not that then, no.

Mussels or clams. It can mean either.

I'll just got with the, uh, pizza diavola, as well, actually.

Can't go wrong. Nice one, granny. Old trusty.

And what about you, bren, my love?

Oh, is she all right? What's happening?

And two garlic breads for bren. Really?

Oh, my god. Bit dry.

Oh, and there's one more on the way who wants a spicy pepperoni pizza.

Do you do that or is that just...? That's just another...

So that's eight... eight pizza diavolas... pizza diavolas...

I just... I'm so sorry... two garlic breads, one side salad...

Mi dispiace... and a bottle of chianti classico.

That's the one. And also, could you please

hang my Russian hat somewhere?

Thank you. Yep. Dasvidaniya.

Huh?

I'm changing my order.

Oh, my god. You all right, dad?

Oh, that's heavy.

I mean, I guess that's the point, but still...

Well, don't sell the weights, dad. I might want to use them.

As if, Sam.

You'd be better off using a cotton bud, mate.

Oh, you're funny.

Rach? Hmm?

I'm selling that umbrella.

What? Why?

Well, because we haven't used it in ages.

Well, that's because it hasn't rained.

It doesn't mean it never will again.

Well, we've got raincoats. Oh, wow.

Yeah? We don't need it.

Anyway, you're the one that said I need to make some money, so...

Yeah, by getting a job, ideally,

not by selling all our possessions at the car-boot sale.

And those plates, are they going? Yeah, they're really naff.

Oh, what? I like those plates.

Stay out of it, Sam, all right, they're goners.

Your mum's oked it. Doorbell dings

doorbell.

Hey, Robin. All right, paolo. Spielberg.

That's, uh, that's not a scalextric.

No, I know, I decided to keep that in the end.

Uh, you can have all these though, instead.

It's all my old salsa dancing gear.

He sniffs god, it might need a wash, sorry.

Ok, cool. No, thanks, thanks, man. Phone rings

sorry. Oh, this is mum.

Yello.

Yello, no, it's just another way to say hello, mum.

Why are you selling your salsa gear, Robin?

Are you and cherry not going anymore?

Well, you're half right. We're not going out anymore.

Oh, no, Robin. No, when did that happen?

Oh, about two weeks ago,

when she got back from the Buddhist retreat.

Right. I think there's someone else, as well,

one of the other retreaters. What makes you think that?

Just gut instinct, really.

Plus, she's always meditating next to the same bloke's arm

in all the photos. Right.

Who is he, then? Iain, he's called. With two is.

Right. Well, we've all got two eyes.

In his name, though. Right. Yeah.

Ah, god, I hate that. No, me too.

And he's an estate agent, as well. I mean, he sounds horrendous.

Doesn't he? Ok, ok, action stations. Mum's on her way round with alf.

Oh, wicked. Ah! Oh.

What? Who's alf?

Mum's new boyfriend. Oh, right.

Or rather, old-man-friend. Rachel laughs

anyway, I mean, he must be about 100. Stop it.

Old man voice: Ey-up, duck. Alf here.

Please, no, I think it's sweet. She gets all lonely on her own.

Wallace impression: Cracking cheese, gromit.

So, what is that? Alf's northern, then, is he? No idea. I don't know.

We just always imagine him to be northern for some reason. Yeah.

Trouble t'up mill, mother. Uh...

They laugh

stop it. Alf. Don't, no, stop.

No, cos Robin, look, he's all upset,

he's just broken up with cherry again.

Yeah. Oh, no. Robin.

You too?

Yeah, well, how do you mean?

Well, Amy's going through a similar thing with Maya.

Is she? Is Maya knobbing an estate agent called iain, as well?

No. I don't think Maya's into knobbing.

No, we don't know that cherry's doing that.

That is just speculation. No, I know, I just...

I need to find out either way, it's driving me mad.

Buddy, buddy.

Well, you could go undercover.

What? How?

Like, uh, well, he's an estate agent,

so you could pretend to look at a house, and then suss him out.

It's a bit shady, Sam. Yeah, and he knows what I look like.

He's already blocked me on Facebook, so...

Ok, well, dad could do it, couldn't he?

I've bought some new hidden cameras, so you can use them.

Well, you shouldn't have done.

Can you just stop buying cameras, please, Sam?

And would you be up for that, paolo? Cos that would be great.

Um... of course he would. Well, I mean, in theory, I could.

Doorbell dings yeah, of course he will.

Ok, that's... oh, here we go, here go. That's them.

Old man voice: During the war... Behave.

Ok, just because they're old and dating

doesn't mean it's necessarily funny.

Yeah, don't panic, yeah.

Old man voice: Don't panic mr mainwaring, don't panic.

Rachel laughs stop it.

Where's me dobber? Where's me dobber?

I can't find me mint imperials. Dobber.

What is a dobber? Where's me mint imperials? I don't know.

Rachel laughs stop it, stop it, stop it.

Ok.

Hiya.

Hi.

Who's... who's that?

This is alf.

Alf, this is Paul... hello.

..Rachel, Sammy with the camera, and Robin.

All right?

Uh, Alfredo, ciao. Hello.

Alfredo.

Wow, you are...

Italian, yes.

And, well, young.

Well... young.

Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Lovely to meet you.

And to meet you.

And may I say, Paul, you know, your mother, she's a real treasure

and... aw... a truly beautiful woman.

Ah, well, I suppose so. I don't really see it myself.

Paul laughs awkwardly oi, Rachel speaks Italian, alf.

Alf speaks Italian

io... uh, si, va be... va mene.

Uh, io parlo UN po... UN pochetto.

Uh, o vivuto... vivuta in italia a briefa... briefamente.

Yeah, I... I...

..I lived in Italy briefly, in my 20s, yeah, si.

Alf: Ah, brava. Rachel: In genoa.

Oh, I am ligurian.

Genoa is in liguria.

Ah, si va be... va bene. Alf: Si.

Oh, gosh. Oh, wow, that's otti... ottimo.

Um, you can introduce me to all the local ligurian, uh, ligurians.

Alf speaks Italian

oh, I have... I have a gift for you. Shall I? In the car.

Oh, yes. Yes? Ok. It's two seconds.

Run and get it. Excuse me, excuse me, two seconds.

Molto bene. Rachel: Oh, my goodness.

Wow, Italian stallion. Rachel laughs

he seems nice.

Um, he seems young.

Yeah.

How old is he, mum?

Erm, 60 odd, something like that.

Jump to the loo, actually.

God, how did you meet?

Well, we got talking in boots.

I recommended a really good athlete's foot cream,

and we went on from there.

What do you know about him? Apart from he's got athlete's foot.

Um, well, uh, not a lot, really.

Um, he's been here about 20 years, he's got a restaurant.

Um, he's kind. Italian. Athletic.

Yeah. Hence the foot. Rachel and sue laugh

and has he asked you to take out any money or sell the house or...?

Rachel groans I'm just saying. Oh, god.

Don't be so stupid, of course not. Got to ruin it.

What are you talking about? It's not a scam,

like when criminals pretend to be policemen to Rob old people,

it's just a mature Italian man who fancies your mum.

As any red-blooded male would, sue.

Oh, thank you, Robin.

Well, not at all.

I'm just saying it's important to be alert, mum, you know?

Rachel sighs watch out for gold diggers.

Oh, shut up.

What? I haven't got any gold,

and even if I did have, it's up to me what I do with it.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah.

Maybe I should sell the house anyway, it's far too big for me.

I mean, to be fair, he is handsome, isn't he? Is he ever.

Oh, god, don't tell me you've got the hots for my mum's new boyfriend.

Not "the hots", not "the hots",

but I do find Italian men very charming.

Oh, good. Wait till you taste his arancini balls.

Oh, please. Robin laughs

blimey, sue, steady on, not in front of Sam.

Sue laughs can we... can we stop now?

I love that. That's excellent. This is... that's enough.

That's too much. Taste his balls. Rachel laughs

you've crossed a line, I'm afraid. Can we stop talking about how dishy

alf is, please? Taste his balls.

Honestly, because it... you know, it's the male equivalent

of sexism, frankly.

Sue: Oh, shut up. No.

And, look, I'm just not that sure about him. That's all.

Well, of course you're not, he's dating your mother.

I think it's great, sue, and I'm really excited

to finally meet someone who I can speak Italian with.

Yeah. Yeah.

Or can't speak Italian with.

What? What does that mean?

Well, you know, you just gesture and say "va be".

Va be. That's not speaking Italian, is it?

Yes, it is, that is Italian, va be. Hey, he's back, he's back,

he's back, he's back. Is it? Right. Yes, it means ok.

Um, these are arancini, they're from my restaurant.

Oh, so, where's your, uh, restaurant, al?

Uh, girasole, on the station road.

Oh, right. Yeah, I know.

Yeah, you should go there, Paul, actually, some time.

It's fantastico.

Well, we're a bit strapped at the moment, mum, you know,

hence the car-boot sale.

Yeah, alf will treat you. Won't you, amore?

Yes, of course I will.

Uh, you and Rachel must come for a ligurian meal. On me.

Oh. Ah, grazie Mille, grazie.

Great, but what about what about me? Can I come?

Of course you can. Thanks, sue. Lovely.

What does girasole mean, mum?

Ah, don't tell me.

Erm, gira, gira means turn,

and sole is alone.

Uh, the female plural of alone, solo...

Are you all right, Amy, love?

No.

What? Still not talking to Maya?

Yep.

What are those?

Arancini balls from alf.

Take as many as you like, he's got tonnes.

Uh, yeah, and so after the adjectival agreement,

it's some alone women turning. Alf: It means sunflower.

Rachel: And therefore, sunflower, exactly, yeah.

My Italian's a bit rusty, to be honest. Is it?

I've been thinking of doing an evening class, actually. Yeah.

Alf: Brava, brava. Have you? Cool.

Put that camera down, Sammy, and put this in your gob.

You won't regret it. Sam: Right.

Um, can I take a few home?

Hey, you made it.

Oh, here we go. Get your wits about you, mate.

Here we go.

Can we share your pizza diavola?

No. No way.

I don't want to share your polenta. Not a chance.

Alf: Buona sera. Buona sera, tutti.

Ah, there he is.

Rachel: Buona sera. Bottle in a basket.

Thanks again for this. Yeah, it's ok.

I just didn't expect so many of you.

Well, you offered to treat us, amore.

Yes, you, your son, his wife...

Sorry, who is this man?

Oh, I'm Dean, I'm just a friend of Robin's.

Yeah, and I'm Robin, we've met.

Ah, yes, and this is?

Uh, bren, from number 71.

Her judo was cancelled, so I thought I'd bring her along.

Oh, I'm so up for this, I've only really had pot noodles all term.

Thought I was getting scurvy.

Hi, guys. Hiya, you all right? All right?

Yeah. Oh, hi, sue. Thank you so much.

Aw, glad you made it.

Hiya, Maya.

Oh, and we need one more chair, amore, for Maya here.

Oh, hi, ciao, thanks for having me.

Yes, ok, I will get some chairs from the, uh, basement.

You know, I hoped you would experience a range

of ligurian dishes, not order eight identical pizzas

and some garlic bread, you know?

Rachel: Si, scusa, sono d'accorda, alf, I agree.

I did order the polenta.

And to be fair, I'm getting a side salad, so... he is, actually, yeah.

Ok, well, then perhaps, you know, if I cover the food,

you will pay for the drinks?

Rachel: Oh, va be, va bene. Yeah, good idea, thanks.

Oh, well, in that case, we'll just have the house red.

We don't need the chianti classico.

Actually, posso order a limoncello?

Limoncello? No. Limoncello, we don't sell. It's for tourists.

Oh. Ooh.

Are you sure this is all right, granny?

It feels like we're definitely taking the piss.

Of course it is, fill your boots.

Mm, yeah, don't mind if I do. Robin laughs

Dean: Fill my belly. Oh, god. Oh, my god.

What? Dad, who is that?

It's one of the estate agents from our undercover operation.

Sue: From your what? Oh, god, I'll explain later.

It's not iain, is it? I'll beat the bloody hot crap out of him if it is.

All right. How could it be iain? They're both women.

Well, I don't know, do I? You found out diddly shit.

Yeah, all right, I said I was sorry.

Look, just ignore them, ignore them.

Iain didn't have a clue. Honestly, I am still buzzing,

that was intense, in a good way. Sam. Ok.

And, I mean, how, uh, Scottish is he?

How do you mean? Well, on a spectrum from like rab c nesbitt

to David tennant?

Kind of feels like you're asking how handsome he is.

I think I am.

Right, here we go, then, dad.

Oh, god.

Don't know if I can face this.

This is so exciting.

Are you excited? What's that? What floor is this?

That's my bag. Right.

Iain: I think it's the third. Wait, wait till you see this.

So, in here...

That's me. That's me. Yep, I know.

Are you looking for something for yourself to live in, then, Edwin?

Edwin?

I had to use a fake name, obviously.

But Edwin, though?

Well...

I mean, you weren't meant to just film yourself, paolo,

I know what you look like. Yeah, I realised that in a minute.

Are you single then, iain?

Nice one, dad, real subtle.

Well, I'm not married.

Right. But are you...

I mean, are you seeing anyone or...?

Of course you are. Of course you are,

a handsome stud... stud muffin like yourself must be.

Stud muffin?

Well, I don't know about that.

Dodging the question, isn't he?

There you go, see? I point the camera at him from now on.

Well, that's not helpful either.

Well, I wasn't planning on filming that bit.

Oh, lovely, really glad you got that on camera, dad.

Doorbell dings

Rachel: Doorbell.

Do you ever go eat with someone else or...? Paul, doorbell.

Can you get that, hon? We're doing our undercover operation.

Film his face. Why didn't you just film his face?

Hey. I managed to nab some tiramisus from girasole on my way out,

so I thought I'd drop them round.

Nabbed them? As in, did you steal them? Yeah?

No, alf doesn't mind.

Hiya Sammy, love.

Hi, granny.

And are these plates from alf, as well?

Oh, no, no, I found them outside. Can you believe it?

Now, there is a box of stuff on your wall.

They're the same as yours.

Yeah. Isn't that amazing?

Yeah, these are ours, sue.

Yeah. Oh, I see.

Well, don't leave them outside, someone's going to take them.

That's the idea, we're trying to get rid of the stuff

we didn't sell at the car-boot sale.

Oh, I see. How did it go?

Very badly, as you can see. We sold virtually nothing.

And the little we did make,

Paul spent on a horrible Russian hat.

Oh.

Sue burps

oh, my god. Oh, god, are you all right, granny?

Oh, god. Oh, too much gnocchi.

Nockie? As in like... sex?

Not nookie. No, gnocchi.

Gnocchi, the Italian potato pasta pellets.

Oh, I just keep popping them in.

He can't cook them fast enough.

They're like little Chewie tic tacs.

Oh... oh, dear.

Oh, I think I'm going to have to go back to the ravioli tomorrow.

Ok, so you're basically having all your meals there now, are you?

Yeah, I am. Yeah, I see.

Oh, you've started to learn Italian, then, Rachel?

Yes, yes. Well, relearning it.

Yeah, had my first evening class last week,

so, yeah, I'm already hard at it.

At what? Looking at pictures of mid-'90s Italian footballer players?

Yeah, no, that's research. That's research purposes.

Yeah, no, I have to say, I am really loving it,

you know, sitting in a classroom, learning.

It is a bit basic for me,

but I do get a bit flustered when I have to speak it, though.

You know, I know all the Italian words,

I just can't talk them together correctly,

you know, in the correct grammar order.

Well, yeah, but you have that same problem in English, as well.

I'm better after I've had a couple of drinks, to be honest.

Oh, yeah? I lived there when I was 23,

and was basically drunk the whole time.

Sue laughs after a few limoncellos,

it all just pours out of me.

Yeah, well, take some into class with you.

Have a few snifters as you go.

Now, who wants a tiramisu?

Paul: Yes! Yes, I do.

Yeah. Ok, then, Paul.

There you go.

Oh, hiya, Robin.

Ciao, sue.

Ah, what are you watching? Homes under the hammers?

No, no.

Paul. You never told me you were on homes under the hammers.

No. I'm not. No, he's not, he's not, sue,

it's a hidden camera thing that Sam made.

Oh.

What... oh, it's a nice flat though, isn't it?

Well, it's overpriced, I thought. For that money, you'd want a,

you know, separate kitchen and living room, really.

Well, you weren't there to buy it, so it doesn't matter, does it?

Yeah, well, I know that, I'm just saying.

What was that about tiramisu? Oh, here you go, love.

No, we cannot... we shouldn't be eating tiramisu as breakfast.

Why not? It's got coffee in it. On video: Is there underfloor

heating throughout? You were meant to ask about cherry,

paolo, not the underfloor heating.

Well, I'm not serpico, ok? You know?

I'm new to all this.

I know what to ask next time, mate. I will nail it, I promise. Ok?

Eccolo, sette pizze la diavola.

Lovely.

Pane al'aglio, tantissimo pane al'aglio per lei.

Insalata mista per lui.

Go on, bren. Lovely.

And the polenta for you.

Rachel: Ah, per me, le polenta, grazie. So juicy.

Alf: You, uh, you have enough space?

Oh, yeah, we're fine, thanks, amore.

Yeah, no more people now, we promise.

Dean: Oh, uh, could I have some ketchup please, bro? Pardon me?

Rachel: Uh, lui chiede per UN po di zucco pomodoro...

Erm, uh, you know, uh...

Italian accent: Tomato ketchup.

Alf: Yeah, ketchup, no, I don't have it, sorry.

I could nip home and get some. It'll only take a second.

Oh, quals. Yeah, you could pick up my limoncello as well.

Yeah, no, wait, why stop there?

Why don't you bring the television from home, as well?

Could do, actually, there's a uefa cup game on.

This is my restaurant, it's not your house.

You cannot bring your own food and drink here.

Rachel: Yeah, scusi, scusi about that.

No, we're not scusi, don't scusi him.

We're not scusi at all.

Just stop overreacting, will you?

And bring us some more tap water.

Yes, great.

I used to know the word for ketchup, but I just...

Alf: Please excuse me. Pizza's lovely. Grazie.

Cheers. Cheers, alf. He can be a real fusspot sometimes.

Amy: I mean, he's got a point.

This table is clearly not made for nine of us.

Yeah, but we're creating an atmosphere, aren't we?

Yeah, yeah. And that's good for business.

Exactly. He should be grateful, if anything.

Really? Should be grateful for business.

But we've just eaten all his food.

Paul: Brenda, can you pass the chilli oil?

I'm thanking him for this pizza. Do we need knives and forks?

How's that?

Yeah, it's fine. It's not too obvious?

Look, as long as it gets iain's face, ok, rather than his crotch,

that's what matters, Sam. Hiya.

Aren't you meant to be at your evening class thing?

Yep, they kicked me out.

Sam: Why? What did you do? What?

Why do you immediately assume it was my fault?

Well, was it your fault?

Yes, I got caught drinking limoncello,

and the teacher suggested I sign up

for the aa meetings there on Thursdays.

Limoncello? What? Where'd you get that from?

They don't sell that at the tuck shop, do they?

I smuggled it in my handbag. Oh, my god.

Oh, my god, drinking limoncello at school,

that's like something drew Barrymore would've done. Well, it helps me

speak Italian, ok? That's it. It's not an alcohol problem.

It's an alcohol solution. Exactly, thank you, Robin.

You can't speak Italian, just admit it.

I can speak Italian.

I can, and I will prove it when I next meet alf

and get in with the local ligurians.

Well, I wouldn't get too excited. Mum's going off him.

Are you? What? Don't go off him, no, get back on him.

Why go off him? He's great.

He's been extremely sulky recently, for an Italian.

And he had a right face on him today

when I dropped in to take that lasagne out the freezer.

What? He doesn't make them fresh? Well, that's lazy.

Says the person who's still in their pyjamas at 6:40pm.

They laugh

I'm heartbroken.

There we go. It's a triumph I'm even out of bed.

Yeah, ok.

Anyway, you can talk. What?

You're only doing this Italian class to distract you

from doing your actual job because you hate it so much.

Just like dad's doing this undercover bullshit...

Well, hang on... because he's got nothing else to do.

What? And, yeah, we all know cherry's betrayed you, Robin.

That's just what life is.

Being knifed in the heart by people you love.

Sam: Wow.

Sue: Oh, my godfathers, give it a rest, will you?

It's like having dinner with Morrissey.

Sam: What?

Sue: In fact, pass me the pepper, would you, please?

Sam: You're going to be late, dad.

Huh? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Robin sighs hey, listen, don't listen to her,

buddy. She's upset and annoying. Phone rings

and, you know, let's go film this guy. Yeah.

Ok? Ok. Ok, buddy? Yes.

Film him in the face. Yeah.

Amy: Here you go. Love you, paolo.

Did you... did you call Maya?

You're welcome.

Hey.

Uh, no, er, no, I didn't, actually.

Granny just called you.

Uh, yeah. Are you ok?

Edwin? Hi. Hi. I'm Diane.

Oh, hello.

Um, I... I was expecting iain, is he coming?

No, I'm showing you round today.

Ah, ok. Um, it's just that it really does need to be iain.

Hmm. Um, so can you call the office?

It's just that I... I just really trust him, man to man.

Not that I don't trust women. My accountant's a woman.

Um, I just would prefer it to be iain.

Yeah. Look, I'm going to be totally honest with you, Edwin.

Iain didn't feel comfortable coming to meet you again.

Oh, right? Apparently at the last viewing,

you asked him some very personal questions,

and kept complimenting him on his appearance, and...

Well, I didn't keep doing it. ..We have had people in the past

pretending to be interested in our properties in order to pick up men.

Oh, well, I wasn't doing that.

I know it can be difficult to meet people, especially at your age,

but... I'm only 45... it is harassment, legally speaking,

and a waste of our time.

Well, I want to buy the flat for my mum.

That's why I'm here. Honestly.

There's been some sort of misunderstanding.

Please, I really want to see the flat.

Ok. So if... yeah. Yeah, ok. Come on up. Thank you.

Oh, that was amazing. Wow, grazie Mille.

Thank you. Prego, prego. Top notch.

Wow. Buonissimo. Perfection.

Does anyone want my salad? I don't think I actually want it.

You don't? Yeah, I'll take a leaf.

There was a delicate balance of chilli in the sauce,

that I found was so delicious. Edwin?

Cos it's just moreish, it's not too hot. Edwin, sorry to interrupt.

Edwin. That's you, dad. Oh, yeah.

Yes, sorry, no, yes, that's me. Um, Diane.

Yes. Sorry. Hi. Yeah. That's ok, sorry. How are you?

Yeah, good, good. I won't keep you long.

It's just I've been trying to call you. Yeah?

No, uh, my phone's been on silent.

The vendor's accepted your offer. Ah.

Have they? That's fantastic news.

Rachel: You made an offer?

Yep, we made an offer.

Congratulations, Edwin.

Yep. Thank you.

There was another offer at the same level,

but the vendor said they were so touched by what you said

about your mum getting all lonely in her big house,

wanting somewhere a bit smaller... Yeah... nearer you and the family.

Right, well, yeah, I suppose I do.

Aw, you must be Edwin's mother.

Yes. I am, yeah. Yeah. Edwina.

Oh. And I'm Edward, the brother-in-law.

Don't all do it. Wow.

I mean, that's great, that's great. Thank you so much.

And, I'm so sorry again about all that confusion with iain, I...

Whispering: Oh, it's fine, it's ok.

Whispering: Ask her about... Ask her about him.

Huh? Ask her about him.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, go on.

Fake cough: Ask her about iain.

Yeah, it's...

Cos the thing is...

Yeah?

Does he have a girlfriend...

..Though, iain?

I'm sorry, Edwin, I don't understand.

Why do you want to know?

I... I just really, really...

..Need to know. I'm just so bloody curious, you know?

We all are. We're a curious family.

We are, we are. So just tell us. Please, just tell us.

I... I think, yeah.

Yeah. Right.

He just met someone on a Buddhist retreat.

Oh, god.

Robin groans Rachel: Oh, god.

Diane: Ok, nice to see you. Nice to see you. Ok, thanks, Diane.

Oh, Robin, I'm so sorry.

I'm so, so, sorry.

Oh, dear.

No, I knew it. I knew it.

Have some of this. Robin groans

it will not help exactly, but it's so sweet

you basically can't think about anything else.

Cool, thanks for that. Here you go, brother.

I don't want the salad, Dean.

And obviously, I'll pull out, mum, you know, of the purchase.

Yeah, well, let's see the details first.

Uh, that is rancid.

It is very warm in here.

Eight tiramisu and eight crostata. Ah, si, si, si.

I'm excited for these. Oh, yeah, they're amazing,

I've had a lot of these. Oh, yeah?

It looks lovely, actually, Paul.

Yeah, with a balcony.

Alf: No, no, assolutemente no.

Stop. Out.

Uscite, all of you. Adesso. Now, please.

What? Is this a joke?

I see you pouring your own drink. Yes, si, si, si.

You refuse to pay for mine and you sneak in your own?

What is? No, please. Yeah, but you don't sell it,

so what's she supposed to do?

Exactly, si, si. E solo perche o bisogno uh bisogno di della

limoncello per parlare italiano. No, please stop trying to speak Italian.

It's painful and sad.

Ok, you visited, on holiday, but that is all.

You must not try to speak it.

Even so, stop being a silly salami, and let us have our puddings.

You all right, rach? In fact, who would like a bit of cheese?

Yeah. Anyone? Yeah? Yeah. I would. Robin, Dean, yeah, Maya.

No, come on, guys. No... no.

No? No, enough, it's too much.

You take, take, take, always taking things from my restaurant.

Well, yeah, to give to her family, mainly.

She's sort of like Robin hood, but with tiramisu.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, Robin pud.

Laughter that's a good one.

See, the thing is, alf, is that, you know, this is just mum's vibe.

She's a bit of a feeder.

Yeah, she's a food digger.

A what? Is that a thing?

Sue, you're not interested in me, you're only with me for my food, no?

I've not been interested in anyone since my les died, alf.

Only my family. Sorry.

You're a lovely man, though. And you're a great cook.

Well...

So, is that a no to cheese?

Yes. No cheese. No cheese.

Please, I would like you to leave.

Yeah, I want to leave. I want to leave.

Yeah, just two ticks.

Please, do not come back.

Thank you for a lovely evening. Aw, you're welcome, bren.

Ok, everyone. Shall we? Let's go.

Yeah, come on then. Good, good. Yeah.

Thank you. Hey, rach, come on. All right?

Notti vuote, senza te tra le braccia.

Parole vuote, le tue promesse trasformate.

Mi sono fidata di te, ho pensato a te,

quando eri con lei, quando mi hai scordato.

Seduto con nessuno, guardato la Luna,

sola, sola, queste notti e parole vuote.

Whoa, nice one, mum. Wow.

Whoa, that was hot. Really hot.

Thanks very much.

Blimey, Rachel, what was that?

Um, it was just an Italian eurovision entry

I memorised years ago.

It wasn't relevant to the situation in any way.

Still Italian though, right?

Si. Si.

Si, vediamo. Oh. Love it.

Now we're talking.

Ah, Roberto baggio.

Ravanelli.

Yeah, batistuta.

Yeah, no, he's argentinian, mate. Is he? Yeah, he is, yeah.

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