Original subtitles

You guys in a gang or something?

We have gone over your test results.

They're adequate, not exceptional.

Your marine record helps,

but you've got to understand something.

You're applying to the highest law enforcement agency

in this country.

There are law school graduates out there,

phi beta kappas.

I've got guys that speak Russian, German, Japanese,

and some of them are not good enough for the FBI.

We're required to admit some women

into our training academy.

We'll give you a fair shot,

but quite frankly,

I don't think you've got a prayer.

Uh!

Oh, sorry.

I'm ok.

Uh!

Oh, I'm sorry.

No. It was my fault.

Oh! Ow!

Sorry.

I'm sorry.

No, no. You stay up.

I'll go down. You stay up.

Thanks.

Don't mention it.

Oh!

Uh!

Sorry.

I needed that.

Hi.

How's it going?

Be right with you.

Hi.

Janice zuckerman. How you doing?

Ellie DeWitt. Nice to meet you.

Is this a dog or a pig?

Do you want help with your other stuff?

This is my stuff.

Oh.

You want to go grab a beer?

We have constitutional law applied to law enforcement

in two hours taught by hupperman,

special prosecutor, abscam.

Wrote two books on the constitution.

I'm finishing his second book.

It's only the first day.

What are they going to do?

I'm sorry.

Ok.

You win.

We'll do it your way, ok?

You can ask me three questions.

Ok.

Thanks.

Where are you from?

New York. Single. 29.

No brothers. No sisters.

Graduated Amherst. Economics. '81.

Columbia. Anthropology. '83.

Smith.

Public affairs in postdoctoral work.

Would you like some?

Thanks.

Where did you go to school?

You wouldn't know it.

Try.

Tullahoma college. Part-time studies program.

You're right. Next question.

You go to movies?

Yeah.

John Ford's grapes of wrath.

Author, v.s. Naipaul.

Painting, the conversion of St. Paul

by caravaggio.

Music, rolling stones.

The rolling stones?

Last question!

Are you always this uptight?

Excuse me?

We'll be bunking together for 16 weeks.

Am I living with a peckerhead,

or someone who can be quasi-normal?

I'm not a peckerhead.

I'm quasi-normal,

except under conditions of extreme academic stress.

Gotcha.

Ok. Well, thanks. It's nice to meet you.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen,

if the subject isn't armed,

you should cuff him

using nothing but the proper attitude.

We're here to teach you that.

I'll need a volunteer. How about you?

Me?

Yes.

Oh, yeah. No problem.

Good.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

the standing wrist lock.

FBI. You're under arrest.

Spread 'em.

Left hand up in the air. Higher.

Ow!

"Ow" is right.

You want to make sure the suspect feels pain.

Let him know he's under arrest.

At all times, my gun was unused.

My body was positioned with my gun away from the suspect.

Killing you with your gun would suit him just fine.

Thank you.

Thank you.

That's ok.

See,

the key here... attitude.

Dominate the situation.

Let's try it.

Arresting officers, identify yourselves,

and, suspects, resist a little.

Make it real.

Buddy, you better watch yourself.

I think these girls are pretty tough...

Especially yours.

FBI. You're under arrest.

Hands up. Face the wall.

What?

FBI.

Need any help?

Are we done yet?

Excuse me.

You're supposed to be my suspect.

If I'm your suspect,

how come I'm not arrested yet?

Oh!

Ok, you're arrested. You happy now?

DeWitt.

You failed to identify yourself.

You're an FBI agent. Get it right next time.

Yes, sir.

Practice... a lot.

There's only one proper way

to conduct a criminal investigation in the United States.

We have a document which sets out this way.

Mr. Graham,

what's the name of this document?

The constitution, sir.

You mean the constitution of the United States of america?

Yes, sir.

Thanks.

The FBI is our highest law enforcement agency.

We do not violate the constitution ever.

Question. Within the constitution,

is there a specific amendment that protects Americans

from unreasonable search and seizure?

Mr. Butz.

The fourth amendment st...

Correct.

Question. What is required of a federal officer

before issuing a warrant for search or seizure?

Ms. DeWitt.

Uh... suspicion?

I beg your pardon.

Suspicion of evidence on the premises?

Have you read my books?

Not yet, sir.

Sit down, DeWitt.

Ms. Zuckerman,

can you answer the question?

Federal officers don't issue warrants.

The constitution requires that a federal officer

obtain a search or seizure warrant

from a federal judge only after showing cause.

Thank you.

Ms. DeWitt,

the FBI admits 40 trainees

into each agents training program.

Last session, nine graduated.

31 didn't.

For every trainee that becomes an agent,

there are three others who become encyclopedia salespersons

or telephone repairpersons or perhaps beauticians.

Do I make myself clear?

Yes, sir.

Now, on my signal, you will turn around,

step forward,

grip the bar,

and hang motionless.

Begin.

This is useful.

You'll raise your chin above the bar.

Right.

Begin.

If you can't continue,

just sit down on the mat.

Add three more.

Uh!

Give me two more, please.

Now give me two more, please.

That's enough.

[Whistle]

I said that's enough.

I'm special agent bill belecki,

director of training.

You've been put through a series of exercises

designed to establish your first level of functioning.

We expect improvement.

If you scored low, we expect lots of improvement.

If you scored high, we expect greater improvement.

Any one of you who fails to improve significantly

will be cut from training.

Your next evaluation's in three days.

Gentlemen... ladies, welcome to the FBI.

"Where same person or unlawful object

"commits an act that is known or should be known

"to be likely to cause death

"or bodily harm,

"notwithstanding

"that same person desires to affect same object

with or without causing death or bodily harm."

Now, what the hell is that supposed to mean?

It comes. Just get into it.

Zuckerman, we're forming a study group

of six individual focus areas.

We meet nightly for information sharing.

Once a week, one of us leads a seminar.

Interested?

Who are you?

Howard butz. Mit. Hi.

Are you interested?

Who are the others?

Let's see... Bickerstaff and Parker.

Bickerstaff, the black guy, has a Ph.D. in criminology.

Parker was a lawyer for merrill lynch,

and Brent Shepherd.

He's a Duke graduate.

His dad's an FBI agent.

He's cute. Do you think he's...

Cute?

No. Ok, I'll join.

Great.

Our first meeting is tomorrow night after dinner.

I'd like to join the study group, too.

Well, you see, it's going to be kind of advanced.

The others might...

You said you needed six.

Ok.

I'll see you later.

I'll ask one more time.

We know your son was in St. Louis.

We think he robbed the bank.

Where is he now?

Has he contacted you? Has he called you?

Is that too much to ask?

When did you say the robbery was?

May 21st between 2:24...

[bang! Bang!]

You're both dead.

Zuckerman, the second agent

always secures the perimeter.

If a subject gets away,

you will wind up dead.

DeWitt, don't ever let the subject

see you flustered. Your attitude should be dominance.

You're a federal agent. You know more than him.

If he sees he's getting to you,

he's in control.

Give me somebody else down here. Parker. Butz.

Next.

Come on, pal.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Hup.

Argh!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

FBI. Freeze!

FBI, scumball. Freeze!

FBI. Freeze... scumball.

FBI.

Don't try it, pal,

or I'll blow your brains out...

Both of them.

80% of an FBI agent's job is talking to people.

Some lie. Some tell the truth.

How do you know when someone's lying?

Does he avoid eye contact

or look at you sideways?

Does he keep his hands in his pockets like he's hiding something?

Watch his eyes.

Let me show you about eye contact.

We'll conduct an interview here.

Mr. Graham,

you can be my subject.

Yes, sir.

Have a seat right here, Mr. Graham.

Thank you, sir.

Mr. Graham, have you ever used illegal drugs

for recreational purposes?

Eyes tilted up.

He's thinking about it...

But if the answer's no,

it's too late to be convincing.

Thank you, Mr. Graham. Return to your seat.

I'll see that and raise you five.

I'm in.

I'm in.

Yeah.

Ok. Read 'em and weep.

Full boat.

Is anybody hungry?

Oh, yeah.

Let's get some pizza.

Two.

Two? That's not enough. I can eat two myself.

You're going to eat two?

I was pizza-eating champion.

I could eat that much.

Sure.

I've got an elastic stomach.

I could eat three pizzas.

Three?

Yeah.

Care to put your money where your mouth is?

Aforementioned toppings must remain on slices.

All slices must be eaten

until no cheese is visible on the crust.

Ready. Go!

There you go. It smells good.

Do it. Do it.

Yeah.

You're really going now.

Get it down! Get it down!

Yeah!

Come on, Parker.

Go! Go! Go!

Come on, Parker.

You've got it. Come on.

Come on, Parker.

Get it down. Come on.

You got her on the run.

Go! Go! Go!

All right. Yeah.

There it is. Come on.

Ok.

Let's do it.

You'll do it.

Yeah. That's it. Dive in.

Come on, Parker.

Mmm.

I just hope this stuff's cooked properly.

What are you talking about?

If the pepperoni's not cooked long enough,

there's these microscopic insects and stuff.

Go ahead.

Yeah. I read that they're tiny little worms

that infest ships importing food from Europe.

I heard about that.

Keep eating.

What's that?

You know the worst part?

They lay eggs in your intestinal tract.

Soon, new ones are hatching

by the thousands.

Janice. We're eating.

Wonder what that feels like...

Your whole stomach churning

with thousands of wiggly little worm eggs.

Disqualified!

We won! Ah!

Great, Ellie.

Don't shake me.

Sorry.

Who is that?

I think it's O'Sullivan.

No.

It's flagler.

He did ok.

Did you hear about flager and lewendowski?

They're both out.

Hatchet falls.

We need coffee, soap for dry skin,

kleenex, loose-leaf paper, paper towels, trail mix, granola bars,

licorice, popcorn...

Put down paper clips, those colored ones.

I want my own stapler,

and one of those accordion things you got.

A file organizer.

Yeah. I need one of those.

Janice, it's 9:30. We better get going.

I know one thing we could get for you...

Your own gun.

My own gun?

Like your own bowling ball. You form a relationship.

I'm going to form a relationship with it?

Who knows when we'll shop again.

Don't you need a permit?

Yes.

You're the broads from the FBI, right?

Dimazzio says you need something for target practice.

Yeah. It's for my partner here.

We're thinking about a 9 millimeter.

Maybe a sig sauer 226, beretta 9.

Double action or single action?

Double or single?

Whatever. You know my tastes.

Double action.

Ok, miss FBI.

How about a cz-75?

I shot a 3-inch group...

Ow!

With this baby.

No sight work, nothin'.

Willy, it's for my partner,

and she's going to use it for target practice,

but later she'll use it in the field.

It's got to have a 15-shot capacity and adjustable sights.

It's got to handle the silvertip ammo,

but it's also got to handle

the steel jacketed stuff with the black tips.

One day, she may have to shoot through a steel door.

I'd like her to have those in her handbag.

You want the sig, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, I got a couple of 'em,

but I normally save them for my s.W.A.T. Guys.

Yeah? And what are we, the ptl club?

Ok, ok. Geez.

This one here's got a 6-inch barstow barrel,

an acm-2 compensator.

You want the tritium night sight?

It's another 400 in change... Installed.

How much for what's in the box?

Well, I guess I could discount it a little...

For the FBI.

I think you're right. This will improve my shooting.

I told you.

It's like starting a relationship with a guy.

Next thing you know, you'll be lying in bed

dreaming about target practice.

Did you notice that truck parked across the street?

The bread truck? No.

We should go.

We meet butz at 5:00 to review investigative detention.

What do you think it's doing there?

The bread truck?

I'll take a wild guess. Delivering bread?

Anything else?

Just the check, please.

You know, it's been there for 20 minutes

with the motor running,

and there's no bread store around.

There's a real estate office,

an empty building, and a bank.

So, maybe the driver stopped

to cash a check.

Excuse me, ma'am.

How late does that bank stay open till?

Close at 3:00.

Thank you.

Give me your gun.

You know, we could be

seriously overreacting here.

The guy's probably bringing doughnuts

to his girlfriend who's a bank teller.

Ok. We'll just check it out.

Holy shit!

It is a robbery!

What are we going to do?

I don't know.

It's federal. It's our jurisdiction.

We'll bust them.

Ok. You crouch down real low,

and make like you got a gun

right next to me.

Ok. FBI. Freeze!

Put your weapons on the ground!

This is great.

Ok, scumsuckers...

DeWitt and zuckerman, FBI, busting your ass!

Don't dick with us

or I'll blow your heads off!

Got it?

Yeah.

With a gun like this, you get respect.

These guys are history.

Out of the car! FBI!

Careful, I just returned from the shop.

No problem.

[Tires screech]

Aah!

Take the wheel.

Put your foot on the gas.

You're surrounded!

Come out with your hands up!

Face down on the pavement!

[Siren]

This is it, Janice.

Everything going nuts...

We were ready for it!

Ok...

Come here.

Read them their rights.

I'm gonna take care of the cops.

FBI. Agents DeWitt and zuckerman.

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up this right,

anything... Everything... Nothing...

No problem. It's under control.

If you give up this right,

anything you say can be held against you.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford one,

one will be appointed. Understand?

We're g-men, Janice.

Yep. We're the new untouchables.

One day, our picture's going to be up here, too.

I don't know, Ellie.

You wanted to see us, sir?

The other senior agents and I

have been reviewing your actions of this afternoon.

I need to make some things clear.

The FBI is not a s.W.A.T. Team.

Our procedures for dealing with a bank robbery

are set forth on page 124

of the procedures manual,

which neither of you have read.

"Number one, secure the safety

"of innocent bystanders.

"Number two,

"notify local authorities requesting back-up.

"Number three,

"follow perpetrators without exposing yourselves.

"Number four,

"attempt to isolate perpetrators from bystanders.

"Number five,

proceed when above conditions have been satisfied."

The FBI does not approve of its agents

perpetrating Saturday afternoon shoot-outs

on street corners.

It takes a dimmer view

when its trainees engage in such activities.

It happened quickly.

Have you told anybody of this incident?

We just got back.

I'm not going to have this macho cop competition.

I've seen it happen before. Nobody wins.

The media's agreed to cooperate.

They won't mention that trainees were involved.

If anybody finds out,

I'll expel both of you. You're on probation.

The only edge this agency has

is the intelligence of its agents.

Try using some.

That's all.

Thank you, sir.

Thanks.

Wright, "b."

Stryker, "b."

Dimazzio, "c." You fail.

Peterson, "c." You fail.

Guana, "c." You fail.

Parker, "b."

Zuckerman, "a."

Good work, zuckerman.

Shepherd, "a." Good work.

Bickerstaff, "b."

DeWitt, "f."

One more and you're out.

Butz, "b."

Keane, "b."

Nami, "c." You fail.

Zeidel...

FBI. You're under arrest.

Up against the wall.

Something about you doesn't seem right.

Turn around. Spread 'em!

You want to be an FBI agent?

Stand still.

Bang. You're dead.

What's going on?

I don't need this bullshit.

I could be making $60,000 in a lobbying firm.

This was a stupid fantasy.

What are you talking about?

You can't quit. We're teammates.

We're not teammates. We're roommates.

Janice, you were picked ahead of 6,000 people.

Did you know

they turned down Richard Nixon?

Good for them.

You've come further than Nixon,

and you want to quit?

I don't believe this.

They needed some women for their quotas.

They didn't want us.

So what? Who cares?

We're here. We're halfway home.

Halfway home?

You're not halfway home.

You're flunking.

You're halfway out of here.

Only Brent will make it.

They've been training him

since he was a sperm.

They're going after everybody's weak points.

This is the FBI way.

Yeah? Well, this is the zuckerman way.

I know what your problem is.

You've never flunked anything, have you?

You got it.

Wow.

Up till now, you've only tried

stuff you knew ahead of time

you'd be good at, right?

Excuse me.

I flunked plenty of times.

No!

It's no big deal.

You flunk, you work harder.

You flunk more, you work harder some more.

You ought to write a book,

the joy of flunking.

Let me tell you something.

My first month in the marines,

they kept screaming that I wasn't good enough.

I realized they were right.

I wasn't good enough.

I can help you with the physical stuff.

I can show you stuff that isn't in books.

Yeah? What's it to you?

I want to pass.

I want to be an FBI agent.

And right now,

I'm having a few problems.

I was hoping you might give me a hand.

If you do that,

maybe we'll both have a chance.

You know?

You're dreaming.

So? You were going to quit.

True.

Squeeze the trigger, don't snap it.

Relax. Have some fun.

You're Clint Eastwood, all right?

Do america a favor.

Blow the scum off the face of the earth.

Yeah.

Find the buzz words, underline them.

Put colored paper clips by them.

You've got to start talking like an FBI agent.

Forget about foot sweeps.

Best move for you, kick in the balls.

A kick in the balls?

Only problem is,

anyone with training will expect it.

You've got to surprise them!

14th amendment?

Due process.

8th?

Guarantees against unusual punishment.

[Buzz]

Now the right arm.

Common law principles struck down by garner vs. Memphis?

Fleeing felon rule.

Conditions justifying seizure of a vehicle...

You going to eat those?

You talkin' to me?

I didn't think so.

Within the constitution, is there a specific...

Walker, "b+."

Blake, "b-."

Canada, "b-."

Butz, "b."

DeWitt, "a." Good job.

Soon, I'll ask you for help.

Zuckerman, "b." You're slipping.

"B"?

"B" is good.

Oh, yeah. "B" is great.

What about the New Hampshire bribery case?

Entrapment.

Entrapment?

It's in the gray area, but...

Uh, listen.

Excuse me.

I was wondering, uh,

if you want to go out for dinner tomorrow.

You mean, like go out?

Yeah.

We could roll down to Washington,

do a check-it-out thing.

Yeah. That would be great.

I've got a car.

I'll pick you up... 7:00?

Ok.

Ok. I'll see you then.

All right.

What do you think?

You and Brent,

our nation's capital,

to do kind of a check-it-out thing?

Sounds like paradise.

He's probably going to take me

someplace nice.

Probably.

What am I going to wear?

I don't have anything like that.

Call it off!

You know about clothes. Help me.

We could go shopping.

Roll down to Washington,

do a check-it-out thing.

Can I help you?

My friend has a date with a senator.

She needs something sexy.

This way, please.

He's not a senator.

He's an FBI agent.

An embassy party? Social surveillance?

That sort of thing?

No, just dinner.

She has great legs.

It should move when she walks.

Maybe something slit up to the waist.

Something that says, "jump me!"

This is Ben vinuti.

I think it would look fabulous on you.

Uhh.

Uhll.

Kind of nice, huh? What do you think?

Really want to know?

Do you mind?

Not at all.

Ok. The waist is too low.

It should taper more.

The back looks short.

Short?

Yeah. The darts are off angle.

This hem is machine-stitched.

For this kind of money, it should be hand-stitched.

The only thing it will bring you

is a visit from the fashion police.

It's not your color.

Do you have that Japanese stuff?

Of course.

Thank you.

We'll find you something.

Love the socks.

I've never spent $400 on an outfit in my life.

Too bad you're wasting it

on an arrogant nudnik.

He's a little arrogant.

He'll loosen up.

Tell him you have to wash your hair

for your mother's funeral.

[Knock on door]

Can you get that? I'm not ready yet.

Well, aren't we looking charming tonight?

Well, ditto.

All set.

Wow.

You look amazing.

Yeah?

Yeah.

Thank you.

Gee, I'm hungry. Want some popcorn?

No, thanks.

Should we go?

See you later, Janice.

Bye.

[Door shuts]

In my family,

the FBI's like a religion.

An FBI family is not normal.

Life is a tactical exercise.

We were brought up in condition yellow...

Aware of our surroundings,

ready to respond.

I think my family

is more the happy- go-lucky type.

It goes back to my grandfather.

He was studying to be a priest,

but he felt he could do more for america.

J. Edgar hoover was looking for Americans

with a higher sense of purpose.

He and my granddad hit it off.

We've been an FBI family ever since.

It sounds ultra-American,

but it's what I am.

I tried rebelling.

I let my hair grow, went to rock concerts.

Didn't feel right.

This feels right.

[Cars honking]

The light's changed.

Thanks.

[Knock on door]

It's open.

Hi.

Hi.

Ok, um, you know the guy at the library?

He said you had psychology of deviants.

I wondered if you were through with it.

Maybe.

He also said you had taken

profiles in aberrant behavior,

and violence of the mind.

I need them, too.

I thought if you're not actively using them...

Not actively. They're over there.

Great. Great. Good. Ok.

Great. It's not a desk.

It's a deli.

Did you ever try sesame snacks?

They're fantastic.

The thing about... what is this?

It's weird.

Uh, ok.

Got 'em.

I'll be back in three hours.

Ok.

Thank you.

Are you really going to spend

Saturday night studying?

Yeah. It's a lifestyle thing.

Pbs is airing a special

on nobel prize winners.

Interested?

How long is it?

An hour.

Too long. Half hour, maybe, but...

I have a lot to do.

Watch the first half.

Yeah. I could watch a half hour

and then study.

Ok.

You're such a worrier.

I know.

Oh.

It's terrible.

You're right.

I should put on some clothes.

I'll wait outside.

Thank you.

This is so great.

The closest I've ever been

to a place like this

is watching Dallas.

Do you want some more white wine?

Mmm.

Excuse me, waiter.

Could we have another wine and a Margarita?

My dad says,

"Washington is a nation unto itself."

You know,

do you and your dad and your granddad

ever get together

and forget about the FBI and get blasted?

Sure. We down a few on Superbowl Sunday.

Frankly, they're more concerned about

what's happening to the bureau these days.

What?

Don't take this personally.

They feel this equal rights

is lowering the caliber of new agents.

You're kidding?

Not you. You were a marine.

They'd love you, but some of the others...

Like zuckerman... Give me a break.

What's wrong with zuckerman?

Seriously, can you see her functioning

as an agent?

You know what she's like?

She's like those people

who brake for a cat in the road

and cause a 12-car pileup.

You can't stop for a cat in the road.

You've got to be prepared

to mash them into the pavement.

She's gutless. She'll get cut.

Did you hear about O'Sullivan, the IRS agent?

She's out. They told her today.

Thanks.

By the way,

I've seen zuckerman show a lot of guts.

Oh, right.

What did she do?

Push into line at the dairy queen?

Brent, she's my friend.

No, I know.

She started wearing midlength skirts

when everyone else was still wearing long.

Ha ha ha!

[Door slams]

Have a nice time?

Not really.

[Door slams]

Oops.

FBI. You're under arrest.

FBI. You're under arrest.

You still here?

Hands over your head.

Give it up. You're not cut out for this.

Ow!

Ooh!

You have the right to remain silent.

If you give up this right,

anything you say can be used against you.

If you cannot afford one,

an attorney will be appointed.

Do you understand each of these rights?

Uhh.

See you in class, bucko.

As you review these cases,

remember, they document

real crimes investigated by real agents.

You will write a comprehensive review

of each of these cases,

evaluating the methods employed

by the agents involved.

Be thorough.

It's crunch time.

Case seven...

Suspected theft of government property.

This one's self-evident. Case eight...

Could we go back to number seven?

Zuckerman, it's 9:00.

We have 11 other cases to review for tomorrow.

I think we should look at the interview

of the student working the night shift...

The bagger.

The agents didn't do a comprehensive job.

They didn't ask anything personal.

They asked what he knew.

They asked what he saw. Nothing.

How do we know if he's truthful?

We have nothing to measure it against.

Come on.

What's the big deal?

Let's just review the field notes.

Nobody cares if some dry cleaner

lost Navy blankets.

I care.

Ok.

Fine.

About the Navy blankets that disappeared

from the Washington dry cleaners,

Ms. Zuckerman and Ms. DeWitt

feel the investigating agents

did not get personal enough.

This is a zero case.

Our time would be better spent

if we moved on.

All in favor?

You're outvoted.

Case eight... the long island kidnaping...

The agents on that blanket case

should have taken it further.

What would you do about it?

I don't know.

I'm just complaining.

Let's check the guy out.

Are we allowed to do that?

It's our job to check every detail.

He was a sophomore at Bolton when it happened.

He's probably a junior now.

Ok, Duane burbick, room 103.

Ellie, we're not going to go crazy.

We won't draw our guns.

We'll tell him we're journalism students,

ask some questions, and leave.

You should be the good cop.

I'll be the bad cop.

I'd like to be the bad cop.

You look like a good cop.

They wouldn't expect it then.

Let's just play it by ear, ok?

♪ She worked all day in her old man's store ♪

[click]

♪ she wants to earn some more ♪

♪ daddy's little angel talks in church ♪

♪ by the end of the week... ♪♪

this guy's a slob.

Get him!

Yeah!

Wooo!

Let's go!

Aw! Aw!

There's the snap...

Oh!

Go! Go! Go!

Ahh!

Come on!

Which one do you think is Duane?

Hey, Duane! How's it coming, dude?

Almost there, dude. Ha ha ha!

Give it to fozio.

Runs into a wall of danger.

He's had trouble running against this team.

That's not about to change.

What's happening, babes?

Not much, dude.

Hey, aren't you Duane burbick?

Aah! Go!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Go!

Go! Go! Go!

Go!

Listen, Duane.

Duane, we're taking this journalism class...

No way!

Yeah, and we've got this assignment on unsolved crimes.

What kind of crimes?

Interception!

Listen, Duane.

Do you remember last Christmas?

Remember working at Phil's clothes, the night shift?

The stolen blankets, Duane?

I can't even remember this morning.

Was anyone else there?

All right, man. Look, dudes.

This heavy stuff's bringing me way down, you know?

So unless you want to party seriously,

take a walk.

I'm going to watch the game.

Oh, you wimps!

You wimps!

Aw!

It was the third wide receiver...

Hey, come on!

FBI. Bad news. You're busted

for obstructing justice in a federal investigation

and failure to cooperate.

Ok, I've got Duane here

for withholding information.

I guess the others will have to share the dope rap.

Dope rap?

We got to bust everybody?

A fistful of joints,

they're looking at three to five.

Wait! What if Duane told you what he knows?

Do you have to bust everybody?

What if Duane spills his guts?

It's too late. I've started writing.

Too late. She's writing.

They'll love your tight little buns at leavenworth.

Duane, tell them what they want to know.

They're going to bust us.

They're just students.

We used to be students. Remember?

Rules are rules.

We'll bend them.

Sometimes we bend the rules.

Yeah!

It all depends on Duane.

You know it, man.

Tune in on it and tell them, dude.

All right, guys.

I didn't do it,

but Louie, the delivery guy

at the pizzeria right next door,

I'll bet it was him.

There! See, he told you.

I'm supposed to bend the rules for that?

Come on, Duane. Tell them more.

Duane! Duane! Duane! Duane!

Duane! Duane!

All right, man.

Activate the brain cells, man!

The dude had fuzzy hair, big ears, crooked teeth,

and these big bug-eyes.

It had to be him.

Tell her where he hangs out.

It was at the Neal club on m street.

Come on.

No, it was l street and Baltimore.

It was Louie! It had to be Louie!

Ok, is that enough?

Yeah, I guess he cooperated.

Yeah! Yeah!

Yes, dude!

Yes! Yes!

You jerking us around?

No way, babe.

I'm too wasted to jerk you around.

Ok.

You call anybody, and you're accomplices,

one to four automatic.

If this is bullshit, we'll bust your ass.

Three to five for obstructing justice

and seven for smoking dope

in the nation's capital.

Got it?

Yeah.

Thanks, dude.

Good interview.

I thought I might have been pushing it.

It was perfect.

You feel like driving to Baltimore?

Now, when we get inside,

why don't you let me do the talking?

What? I don't know how to ask questions?

This place could be scumbag heaven.

Don't worry about me.

I can handle myself.

♪ Livin' out on the edge ♪

♪ no matter what they say ♪

♪ the pleasure of pain, day after day, hey! ♪

♪ Day after day, hey... ♪

let's circulate.

♪ It hurts me to see you this way, hey, hey! ♪

♪ Love kills ♪

♪ it kills me to treat you this way, hey! Hey! ♪

Hi.

How's it going?

♪ Kills and pills me... ♪

I'm looking for a guy named Louie,

fuzzy hair, crooked teeth, bug-eyes.

Has he been around lately?

Suck shit through a tube.

♪ Think of destruction ♪

"suck shit through a tube."

♪ love kills ♪

♪ it hurts me to see you this way, hey, hey! ♪

Nice outfit.

♪ Love kills ♪

♪ and it kills me to treat you this way, hey! Hey... ♪

these people are quite hostile.

How do we relate?

The music's just too loud.

Pull the plug on it.

I'll shake them up.

♪ This way, hey, hey ♪

♪ pockmarks and scars adorn your face ♪

♪ it used to be plain ♪

♪ now it's just getting ugly ♪

♪ you're just caught up in a losing race ♪

♪ pulled out the carpet ♪♪

ok, everybody, listen up.

Know what this means? FBI. We're investigating...

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

[Gunshots]

Now, you look smart.

Tell me if this isn't clear.

We're with the FBI.

We're working for your safety,

and our success depends upon your cooperation.

Any questions?

No.

I want to know

if you've seen a guy named Louie...

Fuzzy hair...

Crooked teeth,

bug-eyes.

You seen him?

He got here a half hour ago.

He's in the crapper.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Hey, what's going on?

Duane went to the John,

and you grabbed the blankets...

Only you didn't know they were government property.

So when things got hot, you ditched them.

I took them.

I didn't know they belonged to the Navy.

That's all we wanted to know.

Are you going to turn me in?

We're just students. We need the grades.

You've been a big help.

Thanks, Louie.

"A brief, informal conversation with Mr. Burbick

"confirmed our suspicion that one unnamed person

"was present in the dry-cleaning shop

"on the evening of the crime.

"If a follow-up investigation is in order,

"we would suggest that Mr. Burbick be reapproached

for primary interrogation."

The rest of you completely overlooked the fact

that the original interrogation was superficial and incomplete.

DeWitt, zuckerman, "a plus."

You examined every option.

We like that kind of work.

Thank you, sir.

You'll notice more empty seats this afternoon.

Today at lunch,

eight more of your brethren were dismissed.

Those who are left deserve to be congratulated.

You really only have one more hurdle to overcome.

Let me remind you that the simulated crime exercise

is not a piece of cake.

Your instructors have set it up

to be just like a real crime situation.

Your instructors can be just as devious as real criminals,

so be warned.

But in the meantime,

feel free to go out tonight and enjoy yourselves.

You've earned it.

Get out of here.

Now you get to make a toast.

Ok.

To law enforcement.

Good one.

Mmm...

To, uh... Law enforcement.

Already drank to law enforcement.

Oh, yeah.

Um...

How about, uh...

Hawaii five-o!

Yeah, good one.

Ahh!

You were saying?

What?

Oh, yeah!

This one day, the other waitress

had a dental appointment.

The boss had to go to the bank.

It's just me and him.

He comes up to me and goes,

"why don't we sit in the freezer and cool off?"

They're these big walk-in refrigerators.

Well, there weren't any customers.

I hung up the closed sign, and in we went.

In the freezer?

It was incredible.

In the freezer?

With the meat?

Oh, it was just hamburgers.

It wasn't like there were racks of beef hanging up.

You want some pretzels?

Yeah.

The last two guys I went out with

were a portfolio manager and an orthodontist.

They wouldn't be caught dead in a freezer.

The portfolio manager was into trading in

his Audi for a BMW.

The orthodontist was into trading

his BMW for a Mercedes.

That doesn't sound like a hot date to me.

That's the problem.

I go to a party, talk about politics,

and I end up with a certain type of guy.

Huh!

I need a guy who wears jeans,

has a tattoo, and is mute.

Like this guy here.

He'd be great.

Hey, you got a tattoo?

Janice.

You're drunk.

Loosen up. You're too uptight.

You, I want to talk to you.

Janice. Janice, you don't know what you're doing.

You got a tattoo?

Yeah, I got a tattoo.

Whip it out.

Sure.

Ooh...

A fish.

I'm Janice. Let's dance.

You have an incredible chest...

But seriously, you ought to show more hair.

Mmm... that's better.

Tell me something...

Do you have a college degree?

Nope.

Good. Have you ever made love to a woman

until she lost consciousness?

Twice.

No, four... four times.

Oh!

Good enough.

Ha ha ha!

Ha ha!

Janice?

Janice, I think you might be

getting a little carried away here.

I'm going to find a cheap hotel with captain ahab

and see if he can put me in a coma.

Let's go for a ride,

just you and me and Moby dick.

Sounds good to me.

Janice.

Janice, come on. You're drunk.

We're going home.

She's not drunk.

Come on, gilligan.

Let's get that harpoon measured.

Well, maybe she's a little drunk.

You're right. You're both right.

Come on.

I'm taking you home.

Ah! Oh!

This is no reflection on you.

You were great.

Thanks.

Hey, uh, maybe some other time, huh?

Taxi!

Taxi!

I need a guy who wants to make love

while he's watching boxing.

Your cash and your jewelry.

Ooh!

Another new experience.

There's only three of them.

I'll take the guy on the left.

Ellie, I'm drunk.

We're trained professionals. We can handle this.

Bitch, you don't get it!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

Ooh!

He was kind of cute...

For a sociopath.

♪ Swing low ♪

shh.

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ oh, I looked over Jordan ♪

♪ and what did I see ♪

♪ comin' for to carry me home? ♪

Shh.

♪ A band of angels comin' after me ♪

♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪

shh.

♪ Swing low ♪

shh.

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ comin' for to carry me home ♪

♪ swing low ♪♪

Ellie...

I had so much fun tonight.

We got drunk.

We almost got mugged.

I met a sailor with a big fish.

Ellie, do you think

we're really going to become FBI agents?

[Snoring]

Me, too.

[Telephone rings]

Ugh...

Hello.

This is belecki.

Be in my briefing room in five minutes.

Janice.

Don't worry, Janice.

They're just dicking with us.

Wake you up in the middle of the night,

try and disorient you.

They do the same thing in the marines.

FBI shakes the pail,

and the cream rises to the top.

That guy drives me nuts.

All right. Let's get in here.

Move it. Move it. Move it.

The men you see before you and myself

are the terrorist liberation front.

Tonight, we've kidnaped this man.

I'm George hupperman,

president of an international banking institution.

They want money. They'll kill me.

Here's our ransom demand.

In addition, clues will be provided over the next 18 hours.

Five minutes after we leave,

open the ransom note and begin.

Is there a hierarchy of leadership

you want us to follow?

Don't ask me. I'm a terrorist.

First, we'll establish a clear chain of command.

I propose myself as agent in charge

with bickerstaff, Parker, and striker as unit heads.

All in favor?

Carried. Let me see that.

Lost them?

Did you leave the ransom where the note said to?

I saw the terrorists pick up the money,

and then we lost them.

Follow their tracks on foot

and keep me informed. Over.

The rest of you,

comb this area for clues.

The terrorists came through here to get the money.

Ooh!

Oh! Whoa!

This is fun.

You ok?

Yeah.

You dropped something here.

That's not mine.

No, it's yours

because it was on the ground when you...

We got something! Brent!

It looks like a map here.

Let me see.

Hurry. Let me see.

This shows a path from here to the swamp.

That's where they're headed. Let's go.

You think they left a map for us to follow?

I said let's go.

Brent, I agree with Janice.

They want us running around these woods all night.

We set up a chain of command, DeWitt.

If you can't respect that,

run your own operation.

We have a job to do.

Now, let's move out. Come on!

So...

Now what?

Now we kick some butt.

Good plan.

Candles, flares, pumpkins?

A special display program.

The press is coming in.

Who signed this authorization?

Mr. Belecki.

He sneezed when he signed it.

See, it's still wet.

No.

No.

No.

Stop.

Ha!

Is that them?

No.

Wait. I want to hear

the rest of this conversation.

Ha ha ha! Ok, go on.

No.

No.

Stop.

It sounds like belecki.

He's ordering breakfast.

Fantastic. Ok...

Administration building, west wing,

second... no.

Third floor in the board room.

Howard, you're a genius.

Oh, great.

I've got the gear. How's it going?

Hupperman and belecki...

Geez!

They're in the third floor

administration building.

That is great. What about Brent?

He's in the forest, but headed this way.

Want to try some disinformation strategy?

He's a genius.

You got the map?

Well, yeah. What are you going to do?

Attention, red dog leader.

This is headquarters. Do you copy? Over.

Red dog leader, do you copy? Over.

Headquarters. Over.

FBI headquarters mission command center.

We have information concerning your mission.

Do you copy? Over.

I hope they know more than we do.

Go ahead. Over.

Uh, red dog leader,

we have a visual identification of the suspects.

Zone Charlie zero three. Do you copy? Over.

Charlie...

Zero three.

That... that's in the middle of a swamp.

Swamp?

Over.

Uh, that's confirmed, red dog,

and we suggest that you approach the suspects

with extreme caution.

Is that a confirmation? Over.

Affirmative, headquarters. Over and out.

Come on! In the middle of a swamp?

We're going to get these guys.

You got everything you need?

Affirmative.

All right. See you.

Ok.

Just a minute.

Howard?

Yes.

Be careful, ok?

Ok. Thanks.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Ok.

Do you think we're going overboard on this?

Nah.

Nah.

We got some cloth fragments

stuck in the chain link.

Somebody's been here.

Let's go.

Wait. Wait a second.

That's a restricted area. We need a warrant.

You are fighting terrorists. Let's go.

Ugh!

[Dogs barking]

Ugh!

Ugh!

Oh hoo hoo!

Uh!

Keep it down.

Ok.

They're in here.

Shh.

I know it.

I know it.

Eegh!

[Fire alarm rings]

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

FBI! Freeze! FBI! Freeze!

Get your hands up!

Against the wall! Spread 'em!

Don't dick with us. We'll blow your heads off.

It's ok, Mr. Hupperman. You can relax.

You're a free man. Good work, Howard.

Spread 'em!

Mr. Belecki, we going to pass this one?

You get my vote.

Cuff them, Janice.

Hoo!

[Coughing]

[Coughing]

[Sneezing]

[Coughing]

Take cover!

Take cover!

Hi. Exercise is over.

Thought you'd want to know.

What?

Your idea for the two-pronged assault...

Excellent, really worked.

We'd give you a ride,

but we're full.

Bye.

[Applause]

Special agent Brent Shepherd.

Special agent Howard butz.

Special agent Janice zuckerman.

You were good.

Special agent Elizabeth DeWitt.

And the winners

of this term's special merit award...

Elizabeth DeWitt and Janice zuckerman.

Thanks.

On behalf of Janice and myself,

I'd like to thank all the instructors that voted for us.

I hope the people of the United States of America

will sleep better knowing that women like us have guns.

[Applause]

Guess what?

I got duluth, Minnesota.

Duluth! That's great, Howard!

Absolutely. DeWitt and zuckerman, please.

They have a winter carnival.

They got ice fishing, the works!

You're going to have a lot of fun, Howard.

Open your envelopes.

You first.

L.A. I got L.A.

L.A.?

Good assignment, Janice.

Wow!

Ooh! Open yours.

I got L.A., too.

Aah! Aah!

Ha ha ha!

I'm so happy!

Ahh!

Oh, Howard!

Oh, and you've got duluth.

I got duluth.

Great! Ohh!