Original subtitles

Frasier: cheers is filmed Before a live Studio audience.

Sounds great, kelly. I'll see you saturday. Ok

Guess what, guys?

I'm going to my first Country club dance.

Woohoo, all right.

Yeah, I got to check The bus schedule.

Wait, wait, you are going out With the boss's daughter and You're riding on the bus?

Yeah, it's getting to be A real drag too,

Especially when We can't sit together.

Maybe I can borrow Sam's car.

Oh, hey, hold up There woodster.

Lest you forget the ten Commandments of sam malone.

There is commandment number Three--

"Thou shalt not loan Thy car."

I thought that was commandment Number four?

That's "Honor thy hair."

I think sam might make An exception in my case.

Hey, sam?

Sam, can I borrow Your car?

My car?

I'll be real careful With it.

I'll bring It home early

And I'll wash it The next day.

Well, food for thought.

So, wood, is he going to Loan you the car?

He didn't come right out and say It, but I like my chances.

He's in a great mood today.

Making your way In the world today

Takes everything You've got

Taking a break From all your worries

Sure would help a lot,

Wouldn't you like To get away

Sometimes you want to go

Where everybody knows Your name.

And they're always Glad you came.

You want to be where You can see

Our troubles are All the same

You want to be

Where everybody knows Your name

You want to go Where people know

People are all The same

You want to go

Where everybody Knows your name

I wish you luck woody, because If sam does lend you that car,

You are home free. That thing is A rolling aphrodisiac.

Absolutely, you know, Any female that rides

Around with sam in that car

Ends up going straight To bed with him.

I've ridden In that car.

Right.

Well, I didn't Go to bed with him.

Right and they always Deny it afterwards.

I hate you guys.

And they always cop that Anti-male attitude.

Yeah.

Oh sammy, mind if I cut Out for an hour,

I want to catch the Last couple innings

Of my kid ludlow's t-ball game.

Hey, I thought he was the Intellectual of the family.

He's into baseball, huh?

Well, he didn't go willingly.

I had to trick him.

I used the old "Going To the library

But running out of gas in front Of the ball park" routine.

Seems kind of drastic, Doesn't it?

Come on, sam, please I Don't want the kid

Growing up to be a soft, Doughy wimp

Wearing an argyle sweater And smoking a pipe.

Go ahead, take off. Don't worry about lud.

He'll be fine.

Lud--that's carla's son By bennete ludlow.

He's a cute little tyke.

Carla bore a son To bennett ludlow,

The eminent psychiatrist, Your mentor?

Oh, this is prime dish.

I can't wait to Tell the girls

In the sleep disorder lab.

So, carla, tell, tell.

Have you bedded Any other rhodes scholars?

Uh...

No.

But one egghead, Long-distance,

Phone-in father Is enough

For this baby factory.

In spite of the fact That dr. Ludlow's work

Takes him Out of the country,

I'm sure he's A marvelous parent.

No.

A good parent Is someone who's there.

There to help them out With their homework,

There when they wake up in the Middle of the night.

Crying their eyes out.

He's there with a Bottle of bactine

When they give themselves A bad tattoo.

Well, I've been there.

I raised eight kids On a waitress' salary,

And I want you to know They're all good kids

And not one of them has Had a conviction

That stood up On appeal.

I stand corrected, Carla.

Mom, how could you Do that to me?

Luddy. How did you get here?

Did coach drop you off?

Yes.

Oh, then the game ended early? So how'd you do?

Coach had me on the bench All afternoon

What, you mean you didn't Play at all?

Well, they finally Put me in

After the kid with The cast on his leg

And the two Fat girls left.

So, what did you do?

I hit the ball,

But they still Made fun of me.

Like everybody's Just supposed

To know which way To run?

I'm gonna go and Clean up your specs.

Carla's got herself a real Poindexter there, huh?

Hey, it's sad to say

That kids who aren't Accepted by their peers

Really never learn how to get Along with people

In the big grown up world.

And why is that cliff?

'cause they keep boring Everyone and

Driving them crazy With long speeches

Filled with meaningless Statistics?

Yup. Yeah.

63% of them live lives Of quiet desperation.

And how about those Who sit next to them?

I'm dr. Frasier crane,

A friend of your father's.

I understand you've had A rough afternoon.

You must never let the bullies Of this world diminish Your inner spirit.

Nor put out the fire of your Competitive nature.

Sir,

Yes, son,

You're kneeling On some gum.

Heavens, My new gabardines.

You and gum.

He attracts it like a magnet.

We'll swing by our place and get Another pair.

On our way To the opera.

Which opera Are you going to?

Die meistersinger.

Oh, I know that one.

That's where All the master singers get Together in nuremburg

And have a big contest

To find out Who's best.

Oh, yeah. Kind of Like star search.

Basically.

Frasier.

Frasier, I just had A delicious idea.

Why don't we buy an extra ticket And take young lud to The opera with us?

Oh, wow, great! But I have To ask my mom.

Mommy, dr. Crane And his wife

Invited me to go To the opera with them.

You don't have To be polite.

Just tell them To bug off.

But, mom,

I want to go, Please.

Carla, may I have A word with you?

Yeah. Sammy, entertain The kid.

Carla, you'd be doing us All a favor.

Allowing frasier and me to spend Some time with your son

Might help us to Formulate a decision

That's been under much Discussion as of late.

You see the two of Us are considering

Whether or not we Wish to reproduce.

You're thinking Of having a baby, huh?

So tell me, how long Does it take

One of your pods To hatch anyways?

Listen, you want To babysit lud,

Be my guest.

What's that On your shirt?

Huh?

Oh!

You're good.

Ok luddy, you're Going to the opera.

Yay!

Yeah, you're going to Love it, kid.

So, you know that wagner, He wrote all those pieces

When he was Still deaf.

No, that was beethoven.

I meant blind.

That was milton.

Then ed woods.

That was you.

Told you not To tell anybody.

Shouldn't they be back by now? How long can an opera last?

The last one I remember

Lasted about eight months.

Yeah, I just hope Everything's all right.

Carla.

Look, I--I know You love your kids And everything.

I mean, Like your kids.

I mean...I know You have kids,

But I've never seen you This concerned before.

Well, lud's special.

Yeah?

I mean, whenever I come Home at night,

He always brings me a pan Of hot water for my feet.

He actually asks me How my day went.

I don't know If I ever

Told anybody this Before.

I love him.

You don't have to be shy about Saying that you love your kids.

Why didn't you just Take out an ad

In the yellow pages?

Normy, I almost forgot how much

Sam's corvette girls Love to whistle.

Ohh!

I wish I had a nickle for Every time I heard that sound.

The classic slamming Of the door.

So, sam still won't loan You his car, huh?

No, but I'm starting

To love that man's laugh.

Sammy, come on, give The kid a break, will you?

Just let him borrow Your car.

Please sam, kelly is the best Girl I've ever dated,

And she loves corvettes.

Well, I'll tell You what, woody.

I'll give her a lift In my car.

No way, sam. Every girl who goes For a ride in your corvette

Winds up going to bed with you. Right, miss howe?

Oh!

Well, now she's just Being redundant.

It's ok, sam. I understand About the car thing.

I didn't mean to Put you on the spot.

And I want you to know that even Though you won't let Me borrow your car,

There's no hard feelings.

And if I ever Have a car of my own,

And you want To borrow it, It's yours.

Ah, I know what you're Trying to do.

You're trying to Guilt me

Into giving you My car.

No, I'm not. I wouldn't do that.

You're my best friend.

Oh, man, you're scum.

I mean it, sam. I love you.

Fine, here. Take the damn car.

What just happened?

You outsmarted him.

So that's what It feels like.

Mom! Mom! The opera Was so great.

All the singing And costumes.

This was the best day Of my life.

Haha, that's terrific, lud.

I've never seen him so excited. Thanks, guys.

Oh, carla, it was Our pleasure.

He's an extraordinary Child.

Yes, we had an extensive Discussion

On the way back.

About opera,

The arts, film.

Oh, carla, may we take lud to The movies tonight?

There's a revival of Koyaanisqatsi we'd love Him to see.

And then we were thinking he Could sleep over.

We could have brunch and a Matinee of peter and the wolf.

Gee, I don't know. He's never Stayed away from home before.

He's only 6.

Please, mommy, Please.

Oh, heck.

You really want to go that bad, Go, go head.

Have a good time.

Stay as long as you want. See you when you get back.

Thank you, carla. We'll take Good care of him.

Well, that's that.

I've lost my baby.

Listen sam, I hope it's ok that I keep asking you this

But I just want to Make sure one last time

That you haven't changed your Mind about me using your car.

No, woody.

No, you haven't Changed your mind,

Or no, I can't use your car, or No, it's not ok to ask.

No, get out of my face Before I hurt you.

He's special.

Hey, carla, Still listening to That opera stuff?

She can't hear you cliff.

She's got the music Blasting in her ear.

You mean she can't Hear me if I say

She reminds me of a those little Plastic troll dolls?

Hey, what's the big idea?

I thought you couldn't hear me.

No, but I can see, And you're ugly.

So, you're still cramming all That high q stuff

In your head?

Yeah, sammy, I don't Have any choice.

I mean ever since Dr. Cyclops and morticia

Started introducing lud to All this culture crap,

It's like I don't have anything To talk to him about.

So I'm listening To all this music

And I am plowing through All these books.

Look at this.

Good heavens, man.

History of modern art.

Comprehensive guide To the world of opera.

Hollywood wives.

Yeah. I'm getting Into literature too.

I've read this.

Oh, who am I Trying to kid?

I'm just stupid.

Hey, you are not stupid.

Oh, how would you know? You're stupid.

If you were really stupid, You wouldn't know that about me.

Good point.

Greetings, carla, we just Dropped your son off at home

After a lovely sojourn at The museum of fine art.

You know that child Is such a love.

He's so bright, Inquisitive, creative.

He reminds me of myself As a child.

Of course, He has more hair.

We were wondering if We could treat lud

To dinner this evening.

Come on,guys. You've had him Out every night this week.

Besides, I had a special Family evening planned.

I was going to Cook a big bowl of pasta.

And we were all going To sit around

And watch america's most wanted

And see if we could Rat on our neighbors.

Yes, but, you see, carla, This is special too.

I just managed to finagle Reservations for magritte's.

It's the most exclusive Restaurant in all of boston.

I never heard of it.

Precisely.

Carla, please, it would mean a Lot to the child,

And I think lud Would enjoy it also.

Oh, all right. Who cares?

More spaghetti For the rest of us.

Hey, fras?

Why don't you Invite carla

To dinner with you?

Well, now, sam, uh...

Carla is a fine woman

And a good friend.

Actually, she's neither, And why would I want

To eat with her?

Frasier, dear, I think We should invite carla.

I think it would Be very, very nice.

Do you know what would be

Very, very nice, Lilith?

If you would stop

Digging your nails Into my palm.

I'm sure I'll choose To see your point

Before you draw blood.

Carla.

Carla, let's say We make it...

Four at magritte's Tonight, huh?

You buying?

I'm going.

Well, good. We're on then.

We'll call for you At 8:00.

And by the way carla,

Please bear in mind This is a very...

Posh establishment, hmm?

Need I say more?

Oh, no. I get the picture Loud and clear.

I'll shave my legs.

I hope this table is Satisfactory.

Oh, this is wonderful.

You know, the place is just As I'd heard it was.

It's delightful.

Everything looks Absolutely exquisite.

The menu is a delightful Combination of...

Nouvelle

And provincial

With a nod toward Domestic ingredients.

And get a load of All this ambiance.

Whoa.

The artwork Is stunning.

Yes, well, there's a delightful Example of modern art.

If I might venture A guess,

I would say...

It's a schnabel.

It isn't, But, even if it was,

It would be pronounced, "Shnahbel."

Excuse me. It's a little Hard to tell

This far from Our "Tahble."

That's funny, mom.

Ludlow, please remember, We're not here to have fun,

We're here To enjoy ourselves.

Now, would it Please everyone

If I ordered For the whole table?

It would Be delightful.

Thank you.

Now, I know that lilith's Delicate constitution

Is not amenable To shallots.

Is there anything else I should be mindful of?

How considerate Of you to ask frasier.

Actually, I have a delicate Constitution as well.

No extra-heavy Barbecue sauce.

I'll be repeating Like a howitzer.

Delightful.

This sure beats taking The bus, doesn't it.

Just you and me And the open road.

I'm getting kind of Tired of driving.

What do you say We park somewhere

And look at the stars For a while?

Oh, that sounds nice, Woody.

Hey, sam, where's a good place To go next?

Make a right At the light

And not so fast This time!

Thank you.

Oh, and please tell paul

That the salad course Was an absolute treasure.

His subtle, Yet assertive dressing

Was perfectly balanced The arugula.

I concur in spades.

He'll be pleased To hear it.

Well....

Shall we Bouillabaisse?

Now,

Smell the piquant bouquet.

Taste it on every Part of your tongue

And then let it just dance Down your throat.

Frasier, as usual, Your anticipation

Is interfering With my enjoyment.

Yeah. Eddie has That problem, too.

Ludlow, You're not eating.

None for me, Thanks, dr. Crane.

He doesn't Like fish.

Look, carla, this Is not something

That comes out of Your cupboard

In a tin can With a mermaid on it.

This is fruit de mer.

$32 a pop, I think the lad Should give it a try.

Now, ludlow,

You've been very Open-minded about Everything else.

Make him happy. Take a bite.

If you don't like it,

You can spit it out in Your napkin. See?

Carla, we're not here To make me happy.

We are here to enrich The lad's experience

Which, if I must say so,

I do believe Is my province.

Now lud, you know we all

Have certain things We don't like.

I detested fish When I was a child.

But I kept eating it and

Finally, I overcame My aversion.

Likewise.

When I first met frasier, I detested him.

Yes, but the point is

You love me now.

And lud will love Bouillabaisse.

Try it.

Ok.

Ick! Fish.

You barely tasted The broth.

Give it a better Chance than that.

No. I want A hamburger.

This restaurant Does not serve

Hamburgers.

Now eat your Bouillabaisse.

No! This fishy soup stinks, And I hate it.

What an imp?

Luddy?

What are you doing?

I'm gonna try to get him out From under there.

No, carla, carla, that's exactly What he wants you to do.

One must not play The game by his rules.

Now, I've taught A seminar or two

On developmental Behavior.

And the first rule in these Acting-out situations

Is to simply ignore The offending child.

Just pretend that He doesn't exist.

Eventually he'll get Bored and come out.

So...

What a lovely meal.

Mmm. You know, I heard that the Chef here was a protege of..

Do you smell something burning?

Yes. That's my shoe.

I heard that He was a protege of--

Your shoe Is on fire?

Yes.

Isn't that painful?

Excruciating.

But I'm not going To give the child

The pleasure of Hearing me cry out.

So...

You see, it seems He was educated

In a small village On the rhine.

He...

Oh lud,

One hot foot

Might be considered A puckish prank,

But if you light That other match,

It is the end Of our tutelage.

Is that Perfectly clear?

That's it!

That's it! I've had it!

That 1/7 Of an inch of--

Frasier, everyone thinks

You're arguing With your clams.

Is there A problem here?

No, no, of course not.

The boy just slipped Under the table.

And his mother was about to Get him out.

His mother.

Uh, yes. Carla, could You take care of this?

Gee, I--I don't know If I could.

I've never taken A psychology seminar.

Sir, we have a very nice Table in the kitchen.

Please, carla. Please, please.

Hey, lud,

Burger time.

Yay!

Hot food, huh? My genes Must be in there somewhere.

Let's go, mommy.

First, apologize To dr. Crane.

I'm sorry, dr. Crane.

I guess I shouldn't Have acted this way.

Well, no hard feelings, son.

Let's have dinner Again sometime

When you're About, oh...

In your late 30s.

Goodbye.

Bye.

I was wondering, do you Have frog legs?

Why, yes.

Wear nice pants. No one will Ever notice.

I always wanted To do that.

You're the best mommy In the world.

Yeah, tell me something I don't know.

You know lilith, I think we've all

Learned something Here tonight.

I'm going to try to Tell you what it is

Before you coat my blistering Feet with butter

And drop me off at The emergency room.

You see...

This incident has Made something

Very clear to me.

I believe my initial Instincts were correct.

We shouldn't Have children.

I don't think I'd Make a good father.

I don't want To be a father.

I'll never be a father. End of discussion.

Frasier, I'm pregnant.

I'm going to Be a daddy?

I'm going to Be a daddy!

Oh, lilith, we must come Here more often.