Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

Oh, hi, dr. Sternin. Dr. Crane isn't here.

I know. He's home, And that's why I'm not.

Whoa. Trouble In casa de wacko?

Not really. Scotch, woody.

I'm just not Looking forward To going home.

Frasier's giving me Every indication

That he expects me To indulge in another one

Of his silly little Fantasies tonight,

But it's really Rather personal.

I know just what you mean.

Husbands Can drive you nuts About stuff like that.

Take my eddie.

He borrowed This fairy princess Costume

From the ice show.

Really, Every friday night I have to dress up

And put a magic Sex spell on him.

Well, as long As we're sharing,

Here's what I have Waiting for me.

Every so often, Frasier likes to regress

To his childhood.

First, he insists On calling me mommy.

I fix him cinnamon toast And strawberry milk.

Then it's bathtime-- One of my favorites--

Followed by My tucking him into bed

And singing all the Pretty little horseys.

After that, we make love

Until the windows Rattle.

Men. They're Really something, Aren't they?

Oh, by the way,

About all that Fairy princess stuff,

I was just kidding.

Uh, so was I.

Oh, right, mommy.

Hey, guys, Get a load of this!

Oh, carla! Carla!

* sometimes You want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you want to be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Mr. Peterson, There's a cold one Waiting for you.

I know. If she calls I'm not here.

You're just the man I want to see here.

I want you to taste This bloody mary for me.

No, please, sammy, Not again.

We did this All day yesterday.

We're gonna do it all day Today until We get this right.

Listen up, everybody. I'm not losing The bloody mary contest

To gary's Olde towne tavern again.

Now, please. I got rebecca out there, I got carla out there.

They all got their little Jobs. The least you can do Is taste this for me.

All right. All right.

There you go.

Huh? What do you think?

Not bad, sammy.

I mean, It's a little thick,

But all in all, I'd have to say--

Ok. I get the point.

Actually, I rather Liked that one.

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

Hey, whoa. Would you Guys stop horsing around Here? I'm serious.

I want this guy gary, And I want him bad.

I'm tired of having him do Everything better than we do.

He's got a better softball Team, a better Tag football team--

Better t-shirts.

They have t-shirts?

Here. I'll show you.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I've got that one In red.

They have 'em In red now?

But you gotta pre-order. They're 100% cotton.

All the sizes Are very true.

I'll phone 'em This afternoon.

Listen, you guys are not Taking me seriously.

I mean it. I want to hurt this Guy where he lives.

Speaking of that, Have you seen his house?

He's renovating this Beautiful old victorian.

It's on the cover Of boston magazine.

I hear he's coming Out with a new T-shirt of it, too.

You guys aren't helping me.

Sammy, I'm back.

What took you So long?

I just spent the last two hours Wandering through the Streets of chinatown,

Thanks to your Brilliant directions.

Why? What?

"Look for a shop

With a dead duck Hanging in the window."

I defy you to find A shop in chinatown

Without a dead duck In the window.

Anyway, I got it.

You are looking

At the last ounce Of black cardamom

On the eastern seaboard.

Ooh.

Sammy, Let's see that stuff.

Sammy, you really Think that stuff's gonna Help us win the contest?

Are you kidding me? Wait Till you see what this does To the taste of a bloody mary.

Ooh, boy. This is Pretty pungent stuff, huh?

[ah-choo]

Oh, my god, My allergy.

Did someone bring Some black cardamom In here?

Woody, It's all gone.

That's great. There goes the contest.

Big deal. In about 20 minutes,

I'm gonna swell up Like a blowfish.

What are we Supposed to do now?

Usually I pack My face in ice.

Sam, guess What I've got Under my coat.

If I guess right, Can I keep them?

No, you idiot.

I've got some Of gary's top-secret Bloody mary mix.

Hey, way to go, Rebecca!

Baby, how did you get it?

How do you think I got it?

You did that Dorky twirl,

And when he laughed, You grabbed it And ran.

Fine. Forget it. I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, come on. We won't Make fun of you.

All right.

That thing carla said.

Well, I'm the one That got it.

Well, no, it's good. It's good.

Now I'm going to take it

To the company Pharmaceutical division

And have it analyzed To find out gary's Secret ingredient.

No need to do that, Rebecca.

Sammy, pour me a shot Of that concoction.

I'll tell you Exactly what's in it.

I got very sensitive Taste buds.

Matter of fact, In medieval times,

Clavins were The royal tasters.

I heard they were A royal something.

I don't know What's in it,

But gary makes the best Bloody mary I've ever tasted.

All right, Sammy, set me up With a shot of that.

Hey, you guys, Don't drink it all. I have To take some to the lab.

This is great.

Gary deserves To win this contest Every year.

It's almost worth Cramming myself Into this dress.

I'd dress up as A hooker to get Some of this stuff.

Oh, come on, you guys. It can't be that special.

I suppose you're gonna Tell me cheers never made A bloody mary this good?

Sammy, cheers never made Anything this good.

Wonder what's in it.

[glass crashes on floor]

Well, we know there's Black cardamom in it.

Damn it, woody!

Ah, cheers--

Where good times Go to die.

Well, well, well, If it isn't gary

From gary's Olde towne tavern.

Look, pal, didn't I tell you if you stuck One more foot in here,

You'd have me To answer to?

Yeah, and I told you If you got in my way, you'd Wind up in the next zip code.

Then we have had This discussion, huh?

Listen, I brought A little present to My friends at cheers.

Yeah? What's that, gary?

Towels for you To cry into

After I win The bloody mary contest.

Know what I'd like to Do with that towel?

I'd like to shove that Up your nose,

Pull it out your mouth A couple times,

And buff up your sinuses For you.

Oh, as if you could.

Oh, I could.

You could not. Could, too.

Could not! Could, too.

Could not! Could, too!

All right, sammy!

See me slip that "Could, too" in there?

You won that one, Malone.

That's the last thing You're gonna win.

Hey, big shot, we won This contest the first Two years they had it.

Since I opened, I've won the last four.

All that proves

Is you've won it Twice as much As we have.

How'd you like That, sam?

Let me handle this, Woody.

Just get going. Get out of here, Would you?

Is this The thanks I get

For my heartfelt Gift?

No.

This is.

Oh, that's nice.

I see you're still hiring The cool grace kelly-type For waitresses.

Choke on it.

Ok, ok, I'm going back To the olde towne tavern,

Where my exclusive Satellite coverage

Of the world Welterweight title fight

Is about to get underway.

Hey. Hey, wait.

Hey, whoa. Come on.

Where the hell Do you think You're going?

Just taking A little stroll.

Ah, that was Refreshing, wasn't it?

Hey, doc. What's Going on?

For one thing, I find Myself batching it again.

Lilith finally blow Her brains out?

No, but thank you For asking After her, carla.

Where is the lovely Dr. Sternin?

She's in albany For a few days

Attending a conference On gender stereotyping.

Gender stereotyping?

Yes. It's Unfairly attributing Certain modes of behavior

Exclusively to one sex.

Sounds kind of Boring. Why did she Go to that?

Who knows?

You know women.

I can't tell you How honored we are that You've chosen our bar

As the site of The bloody mary contest.

We were going to hold it At gary's olde towne tavern,

But they're just so Darn crowded in there.

Well, you know You'll never have That problem here.

Well, I better be going.

I have to drop off A set of rules At gary's tavern.

So long.

Bye.

What? Hey, that's Gary on the tv.

We hid A secret camera

In a competitor's Establishment.

Let's hear what They have to say

About gary's Bloody marys.

I don't know What's in that,

But gary makes the best bloody Mary I've ever tasted.

Really? Gary deserves to win This contest every year.

Thank you very much.

You'd be surprised What some people would do

To get ahold of My bloody mary mix.

I'd dress up like A hooker to get Some of this stuff.

But you can get A pretty good bloody mary

Just about anywhere in Town, isn't that right?

Cheers never made A bloody mary this good.

If you say so, Sam malone of cheers.

Anybody know The way to gary's?

I'll give you A lift.

I can't believe That weasel filmed us.

Oh, that stunt tears it. Now I'm mad.

Yeah, I can tell. How?

That little vein Bulging in my forehead?

No.

My nostrils flaring? No.

My jaw's clenched? No.

Well, then how Can you tell?

You just said "Now I'm mad."

Yeah, well, now I'm really mad.

Yeah, I can tell.

I tell you something. This is war. This is total war.

No prisoners. No truce. No amnesty. No nothing.

Only one of us is gonna Walk out of there standing.

What are You gonna do, sam?

If we want to really Mess him up, we're gonna Have to infiltrate his bar.

Let me do it, Sam.

Please, Let me do it.

I've taken a lot of Makeup classes. I can put on a disguise

And get in there without Anyone knowing about it.

Woody, I don't think so.

Come on, let me do it. I feel responsible.

I'm the one who Blew away the spice. I'm the one who broke the jar.

I'm the one who broke the door In the men's room...

What?

At the bus station Downtown.

Come on, let me Make it up to you.

Woody, you don't know What you're getting Yourself into.

Those guys At gary's are vicious.

They could Strip you naked,

Paint you red, And put you on a subway.

They wouldn't do that.

They did it to me,

But I got the best Of them.

How's that?

I loved it.

Wait a minute.

Hey, come here, woody, Woody, woody.

I got a plan. Listen up.

Shh! Gary had a camera In here the other day.

He could have a Spy in here now.

The whole place Could be bugged.

Come on, you guys.

Whoa, whoa!

Don't take off In a clump like that.

It will look Suspicious.

Everybody, split up. We'll hook up outside.

No, no! You're Clumping up again.

Spread out!

No, you're Clumping up again.

Cliffie, you got the Time, pal?

Right. Time check.

2200 zulu.

Agent hoosier Is overdue.

Abort operation red dawn.

Cliff, What in god's name Are you talking about?

Spy lingo, norm.

Woody's not back From gary's yet.

It's time to Mobilize our forces. Let's go.

I'm just the man For it.

I actually considered A career as a spy When I was young,

But in the end, I decided not to go Into intelligence.

That seems only fair.

None of it went Into you.

Hey, guys, what's The big rush here? Give him a chance.

He's only about Five minutes late.

Actually I think we might Be underestimating woody.

Something tells me he Might actually Pull this thing off.

Hey!

Hey!

Wait, there's a note.

What does it say?

"Compliments of gary's. We deliver."

[mumbling]

What?

What are you trying To say?

He's trying To say something.

What are you Trying to say?

Don't rip off the tape!

Aah!

That's it, cornmeal, You blew it.

I'm telling you, I was doing fine.

I borrowed this great costume From my theater group.

I really looked Like a nun.

I went in there--

Whoa, whoa. You Dressed up as a nun And went into a bar?

It was either that or one of The von trapp children.

This is The stupidest thing I have ever heard of.

Hey, I don't see Anybody else

Volunteering to go over there And get roughed up And hung by their heels.

I did it 'cause I was trying to help.

Ok, you were trying to help. Why did you have to be So stupid about it?

That's another thing. I'm sick and tired Of hearing that word.

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

If I hear That word one more time,

I'm walking out of here And never coming back.

Come on, man, That's stupid.

That's it. I quit.

No, I'm serious. I've had it with this place.

I'm not appreciated Here anymore.

Woody, come on, That's not true.

Leave me alone!

Well, look who's back-- Sister mary woody.

I'm looking For a job.

Oh, right. I heard you quit cheers.

I'm never going back Into cheers again,

Except to get My last check

And the only key To my apartment.

Where did you stay Last night?

I just walked around Down to the commons,

Over the river,

Across the river To cambridge,

Back over the river,

Took a right At the prudential Building,

Stopped at A newsstand,

Thought about buying A paper. Didn't.

Ok, ok, ok.

I get it.

So, you're coming to me For a job?

I don't Owe cheers diddly.

Well, you're A darn good barkeep,

And I could use An extra hand.

There's always an upsurge Of business every year

After I win The bloody mary contest.

Why not? Grab an apron In the back.

Aw, gee, You won't regret this.

Wait till I tell my mom

I'm working For that weasel gary.

Are you crazy? He's the enemy.

I think he's ok.

I was in cheers When he quit.

It was real ugly.

I don't know. You think We can trust him?

Gary, I found a nickel In the pocket of this apron.

You know who it belongs to, Or should I put up a flyer?

I think we can trust him.

Afternoon, everybody. Hey, hey, gary!

Well, this is it.

The day of the big contest.

Hey, woody, come here.

Yes, sir.

Woody, I'm going To be honest with you.

I had my doubts About you, having Worked at cheers and all,

But after the way You've worked out here This last week,

You're really One of us now.

Thank you.

By the way, here.

What is it?

Came for you a few Days ago. I forgot To give it to you.

"This is to inform you That the contest has been Moved up two hours

To 12:00 noon."

You forgot To give this to me?

Is it important?

Oh, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Damn it, boy,

You and malone Set me up.

You knew about this Time change two days ago.

Well, don't just Stand there like a bump On a log. Say something.

Gotcha, gar.

That means the contest Started five minutes ago.

Gee, boss, I don't think You're gonna make it.

I think You're going to lose.

I think you're going to fall Flat on your face.

I think...

I'm going to be hanging Upside-down again.

Get him! Come on, Get him!

I wish I could give All of you an award,

But there can only Be one winner.

Surprise, malone. I made it.

No, he's disqualified. He's late.

[crowd booing]

I didn't get The message About the time change.

They tried To keep me away, But it didn't work.

That's a lie, And you should be Disqualified

For making a Slanderous remark

And for wearing That shirt With those pants.

There's still time For another entry.

All right!

Here.

Try a real bloody mary.

Hands down the winner.

All right! All right!

Olde towne tavern!

Olde towne tavern!

Olde towne tavern!

Old towne tavern! Hey, hey, sam!

Here's a little bit Of advice for you.

Give up while you got A shred of dignity left.

Oops! Too late!

All clear?

All clear.

Yahoo!

Oh, my man, woody!

Whew! That's good, man. Take that makeup off.

Now, just a minute. That's woody? My god.

This is amazing makeup. This is just incredible.

This was part of some Elaborate ruse, huh?

Yeah, we set the Whole thing up.

That way we can get Gary out of here before The real contest starts.

And when you made such A fool of yourself Pretending to be a nun...

That was Part of the plan.

When you went to work For gary? Part of the plan.

When you told gary The time of the contest Had changed?

All part Of the plan.

Hey, guys,

I'm ready For the real contest.

Not part Of the plan.

And the winner of Boston's

Annual bloody mary Contest is...

Gary's olde towne tavern.

Yay!

Where have I heard That before?

You know, sam,

It was a stroke of genius

Having little abner there Playing the judge.

I gotta admit I fell for it

Until I got within About 20 feet.

Yeah, very funny. We're going to get you Next year, gary,

And it's not gonna Be very pretty.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Don't try to outfox me Because you can't.

Every time you think You got me fooled,

I'm one step ahead of you.

But I gotta admit, This time you came...

That close. Ha ha!

Very funny. Very funny.

I can't believe He did it again.

45...50.

Carla, what Are you doing?

You usually pay off a judge After you win a contest.

If the contest that Had just happened were The real contest

Which it wasn't,

And if this guy Were the real judge Which he's not.

Did you follow Any of that?

This is my Next-door neighbor.

The real judge Is some old lady From cambridge.

Thanks for Helping out, larry.

Any time, carla.

Wait a minute. If this Wasn't the real contest,

When is the real contest?

In about Half an hour.

Are you telling me We still have a chance To win this?

We sure do!

Carla! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

Carla! Carla!

Carla, how long Have you had this planned?

Since about a minute After we lost Last year's contest.

This is Unbelievable!

What, that I could Come up a great plan?

No. That you paid This guy money out Of your own pocket.

Get real.

I lifted gary's wallet When he was leaving The bar.

Thank god You are on our side.

And from here on in,

Whether we win or lose,

What's really important To remember--

And I'm saying this In the spirit of true Sportsmen everywhere is--

Gary won't win!

Yeah! Gary won't win!

Gary won't win!

Hey, guys, I am on to you.

Oh, man, I give up.

Now hand over my wallet.

Your what?

Come on, somebody Took my wallet.

Yeah, someone Handed it in.

You must have Dropped it when you were Leaving the bar.

Yeah, yeah. Thanks.

So long, chumps.

Gary won't win. Gary won't win.

Gary won't win.