Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

I'm sorry, dr. Crane.

I just don't understand This word association stuff.

Allow me to demonstrate. Now, I'll say a word,

Then you say the first Word you think of.

Norm, we'll start With you.

Over.

Under.

Inside.

Uh, outside.

Bottom.

Thermostat.

If you can make Any sense of that,

I got a sawbuck here With your name on it.

Ok. You're on. It might not Be a total non sequitur.

Let me see. Perhaps in The house woody grew up in,

The thermostat was At the bottom of the stairs.

Actually, It was in the kitchen.

I'll take Cash or check.

No, no, or, uh... Well,

The heater may have Been in the cellar,

And so was at the Bottom of the house.

Nope.

Thermostat's difficult To spell.

Woody was at the Bottom of his class?

Woody, did you Turn up the heat Again?

Yes, miss howe.

I told you it's Too hot in here.

Now, if you keep Turning it up,

I have to keep Turning it down.

That wouldn't be A problem,

But they Put the damn Thermostat

In such an Awkward place.

I can...

Barely reach it.

Sorry, miss howe.

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna go where Everybody knows your name *

Frasier, where the hell Have you been?

You were supposed To pick me up at the airport.

Well, uh, I didn't do A very good job of it, Did I?

Well, Welcome home, dear.

Where have you been?

Paris. Perhaps you remember.

We liberated it During the war.

Now that I recall, You did say Something about it.

Well, I've just Been so damn busy.

You do...Forgive me, Don't you?

Of course. I could never Stay mad at you.

Well, how was paris?

It was thrilling. The city of light.

Here.

What's this?

A souvenir.

I'm tired of Your pin-striped boxers.

They're dull, Unimaginative, And bourgeois.

Well, they always Speak very highly Of you.

An eye patch.

No, you ninny. It's french underwear.

It doesn't leave much To the imagination there,

Does it, frase?

Not that I was Imagining anything.

They're all the rage In paris.

They sell them everywhere. I bought these At the louvre.

Well, dearest...

I do appreciate The gift, but...

I don't know If they're Really me.

Well, don't make up Your mind before You even try them on.

Yeah, what do You say, frase? Strap 'em on.

Well, I suppose I could slip

Into the bathroom For a moment.

Oh, frasier, do.

[telephone rings]

Say, What am I gonna do With the old pair?

Save them. I'm making A memory quilt.

Sam, phone for you.

It's judy.

Judy.

Hi!

Well, of course I remember you.

You're kidding me?

Why, that's just Around the corner.

Listen, why don't You come on over?

We could replay all The old memories.

All right.

Judy who?

She didn't say, sam.

How many judys Have you dated?

Well, let's see. There was Judy johnson, right?

The tall redhead, Remember?

She had freckles, Great legs.

Yeah. There was Judy patinski.

Oh, yeah.

Judy chang.

Wait a minute, Wait a minute. How come you guys

Remember my love life Better than I do?

I think It meant more To us, sammy.

Wasn't there, um...

A judy marlowe?

Oh, that's the one. I remember now.

Sammy, Hot stuff.

You betcha.

God, did we have Great times.

I remember all The playgrounds,

The circuses, The pony rides.

Excuse me, sam.

Exactly how old Was this judy?

No, no. She was a divorcee.

She had This little girl.

Must be about, what, 15 years Since I've seen the two of them.

Just in case she comes in here And she's not very good-looking,

Will you do me a favor, Pretend like you're my wife?

Ok. Give me All the money In your wallet.

Carla, what Are you doing?

I'm practicing.

Lilith, I have only One thing to say to you.

Vive la difference!

Woody, I asked you

To bring up A case of scotch 15 minutes ago.

Now, will you Just do it, please?

Sorry, miss howe. Right away.

Whoa! Get up On the wrong side Of the web?

No. I am just sick And tired of the way I'm Treated by this company.

They're trying To break my spirit,

To bring me To my knees.

They want to see How long

It's gonna take Before I say I quit.

Why, what are they Wanting you to do now?

Throw a party.

Oh, my god, These people Must be stopped.

I'm supposed To throw a kiddie party For the executives' brats.

I'll show them. I am gonna throw the best Damn party of the year.

I am gonna have the best Food, the best games--

Does anybody know Where I can hire A professional clown?

Would you settle for A couple of amateurs With red noses?

Say, you know Who you should Hire? Woody.

He's an actor, At least a perennial Understudy.

That's not a bad idea. I wonder if woody's Interested.

Woody.

I have to hire a clown For a children's party.

Do you think you could Handle the part?

Handle the part?

I've always wanted To play a clown.

You hear that, Everybody?

I get to be a clown!

I'm a clown! I'm a clown! I'm a clown!

Sam?

Judy?

Oh, wow! What a relief!

What are you Talking about?

Well, it's been 15 Years since we've Seen each other,

And you look just As good as I do.

Hey! How you been?

I've been great.

Come over here. Sit down.

Carla, let's have Some white wine, please.

Guess what?

What?

My daughter laurie Came along to say hi.

I'd love to see Her again.

Weren't the three of us-- Didn't we have fun together?

You were always A great uncle sammy.

A lot of men Get jealous. They Don't want to share.

Hey, I hope I never Get so possessive That I'm not willing--

Hi, mom.

To share.

Sam, you Remember laurie.

Hi.

Wow!

God! You Used to be so...

And now she's so...

So, uh...

Hey! How are you?

I'm fine, mr. Malone.

Mr. Malone? Hey, come on.

I'm the same guy That used to push you In the swings

And give you Piggyback rides

And played with you In the bathtub.

No, that was me.

Oh, right, right.

Whoa. Look at The two of you!

Look at The three of us.

Let's look at The two of you again.

I know you two have A lot of catching up to do,

But it was really good To see you again, sam.

Oh, wow! I just flashed On the way

You used to make me Hold your hand Crossing the street.

Anyway, I'll see you.

Wait! Where are you going? What's the rush?

Why is my voice So high?

Listen. I got an idea.

Why don't, uh...

Why don't the three Of us, uh...

Do one of those things We used to do In the old days?

You know, Get an ice cream cone Together or something?

I would love that.

Do you know Something, sam? What?

I am really glad that I picked Up the phone and called you.

Oh, me, too.

Come on, Uncle sammy!

There's a lot Of traffic out there.

Ha ha ha!

Looks like sammy's Heading for trouble.

Yeah. Looks like Kind of a fun trip, Though, doesn't it?

Carla, did you have The soft drinks

Delivered to Mrs. Ridgeway's house For the party tomorrow?

Ah, yeah. Four cases.

Kids will Be burping

All through Woody's act.

Don't worry.

With this outfit And these props,

I'm gonna have those kids Rolling on the floor.

Rolling around And burping.

Now there's An attractive image for you.

You know, woody, I envy you. I really do.

Creating laughter Can be a healing art.

Sometimes a clown can do Better than a psychiatrist.

Yeah, and you can fit More of them Into a little car.

Got my funny horn, Squirting flower,

My joke book. Can't miss.

Oh, yeah? Let's see an example Of a joke that can't miss.

"Did you hear about The human cannonball?

"It's hard to find A man of his caliber."

Well, I don't hear Any hilarity ensuing There, woodman.

You have to try both At the same time,

The props And the jokes.

Try it again.

Look, this is going To be flop city.

"Did you hear about The human cannonball?

It's hard to find A man of his caliber."

[honk]

See? Can't miss.

Let me try this. This looks like fun.

All right. "You hear about The sword-swallower

Who only eats Penknives because He's on a diet?"

[honk]

All right. You think that's funny?

Go ahead, norm.

Do another one.

All right.

"Hear about the Tightrope-walker Who went nuts?

They had to throw A net under him."

[honk]

You know, You're right.

It is funnier When you do it.

Here we go.

Thanks, uncle sammy. That was great.

I've got to get To aerobics class.

I'll call you Tonight, mom.

Bye, honey.

God, kids are fun.

Mmm.

I especially loved Taking her to that Department store,

And watching her little Face light up.

Obviously.

Hey, come on. What's the matter With you?

I'm getting a little tired Of having you invite laurie Along with us

Everywhere we go.

Aw, now, come on.

Mommy needs A little quality time For herself.

Well, sweetheart,

All you had to do Was ask. Listen.

What do you say I pick You up around 8:00?

Just the two of us All evening.

Adults only.

Caution. Some scenes May be unsuitable

For immature viewers.

I'll close my eyes.

Oh, god!

Why? What?

What's the matter?

I guess I'm remembering What happened The last time

You tried To pitch both ends Of a doubleheader.

Oh, boy. Is it that obvious?

I think it was The drooling that Gave you away.

Yeah. Well, The thing is

That I'm really Attracted to laurie

And I want To ask her out

But I don't want to stop Dating the mother At the same time.

I mean, it's like A real problem, you know.

Gee.

Must be a burden Being so sensitive.

Uh. Sammy, Door number two.

Hey, laurie. What'd you do? Forget something?

Well, my class was canceled, So I was going to find mom

And see if she wanted To grab some lunch,

But I guess she Already left, huh?

Yeah. Just a few Minutes ago.

Oh, well. It's no biggie.

Well, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Listen.

If you have A couple of minutes On your hand here,

I'm about due For a break,

Aren't I, rebecca?

Hell, yes.

You've been back at work For almost five minutes.

Wouldn't it Be a hoot

If your uncle took you Back to the same zoo, But 15 years later?

How about it, guys?

Would that be A hoot or what?

Uncle sammy, You're too much.

I'll go bring The car around.

Great. I'll meet You up there, ok? Just a minute.

Zoos are kind of sad, You know?

Yeah.

All those Sedentary animals--

Can't move, Can't run free,

They just sit.

Sit there and drink

And shovel food In their faces.

Man, that is No kind of life.

Sam, you're trying to date Your girlfriend's daughter.

Isn't there a little voice In the back of your mind Trying to tell you something?

A little voice?

Your conscience.

My conscience?

You mean--

You mean, Like jiminy cricket?

Well, ok.

Well, yeah. As a matter of fact,

I do hear This little voice,

But it's not coming From the direction Of my brain.

Sammy,

You better Be careful.

You see, even carla Agrees with me.

No. I'm just worried That he's gonna blow it With both chicks.

How?

Mothers and Daughters talk To each other.

Well, Not in my family, But usually.

Sweetheart, I've handled Trickier situations

Than this before.

You remember That time I dated

Those lovely Henshaw triplets all At the same time?

Sammy, first of all,

That was back when You were drinking like a fish.

And second of all,

That was one chick.

Frasier, uh, You ok, bud?

I'm a little concerned Here, norm.

My fingers are tingling.

My hand's numb.

My feet are cold.

Either I'm having A heart attack,

Or this new french Underwear lilith gave me Is too tight.

Ah.

Ah. Cancel The paramedics.

All right. All right.

All right! I'm Going on tonight. I'm going on.

What, you mean In your theater group?

Yeah, yeah. The lead has A fever of 106.

The rest of the cast Tried to drag him Out of bed,

But he kept Falling down.

I get to go on.

Woody, are you Ready to go?

We're gonna be late For the kiddie party.

Oh, miss howe, I hate To let you down,

But I can't be Your clown.

I'm playing Marc antony.

"Friends, romans, Countrymen..."

What are you Talking about?

Countrymen--

People who live Outside the city.

You know--shepherds,

Farmers, ranchers.

Woody, you can't Desert me like this.

I don't have time To get anyone else.

This is the chance He's been waiting--

Butt out.

You are the one who Insisted I hire him In the first place.

I was merely Suggesting--

Where am I gonna get Another clown now?

I am ruined, and It's your fault.

You're the one who Got me in this mess,

You owe me a clown.

Where do you think I can find one now?

Frasier, Weren't you the one

Who said how much You envied woody?

Well, yes, I did say that, but--

And that clowns Do more good Than psychiatrists?

Oh, surely, You're not suggesting--

Yeah, You'll be great, Dr. Crane.

Stuff's All right here In this box.

You can't miss.

Me?

You want me to don The jester's motley?

It's got To be you, Dr. Crane.

It takes a Big man to fill These shoes.

Well, why not?

I mean, they're Just children after all.

I always have had A special rapport

With wee people.

Where's the harm?

All right. Let's go, frasier. We're late already.

Oh, here's Your outfit.

Oh, gee, woody, I haven't Had time to rehearse.

I don't know anything About being a clown.

Got any last-minute Advice for me?

Just be yourself.

Ah. Words of wisdom.

Well, I'm Out of here, ok?

You think bozo the shrink Can really cut it?

Are you kidding? That stuff is foolproof.

The squirting flower, The horn, the trick Handkerchief--

What trick handkerchief? You never showed us that.

That's the best one Of all.

You pull the handkerchief Out of your pocket,

And your pants Fall down.

Underneath I'm wearing

These ridiculous Big red polka-dot shorts.

It's a riot.

You mean, Frasier's supposed

To be wearing Those shorts?

Oh, no.

I forgot to give My underwear to dr. Crane.

I should call-- Oh, no.

No, I got to get To the theater.

Listen, carla. Somebody Should warn him.

Would you call him?

Of course.

Ok, kids, you say Hi to binky.

Hi, binky. Hi, binky.

Binky, do your act.

I don't have an act. I'm a psychiatrist.

Show them Your funny feet.

I can't. I've got These big shoes on.

Oh, I see What you mean.

Say, kids, what do you Think of these feet?

I got such big feet

Because my mother Was a goose.

Want to hear me honk?

The real clown Was killed.

Rebecca, What am I gonna do?

I don't know what You're gonna do,

But you better think Of something quick 'cause you're mak--

Do the flower deal.

Oh. You mean this.

Hey, they like it.

You want to see That again, kids?

Yeah! Yeah!

I'm a clown. I'm a clown.

Hey, guys,

Wait till you hear this.

I'm sitting at a table In this restaurant

With judy and laurie.

The mother reaches over And grabs my knee,

And says, "Sam, I want you."

Get out.

Then, I feel the daughter Reaching over

And grabbing My other knee.

She says, "I want you, Too, sammy."

Well, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Then I woke up.

You know what this dream Means, don't you?

Mm-hmm. It means You even dream Better than we do.

No. It means That frasier's right,

That my conscience Is getting to me.

I must feel bad

That I'm going out With this woman

While I'm trying to Score with her daughter At the same time.

Sammy, You're scaring me.

How do you think I feel?

This hasn't ever Happened to me before.

You don't think that...

That I'm Getting scruples?

Now, you just stop it Right there, buddy boy.

You're talking crazy.

Damn it. I really hate this.

I keep hearing This little voice

And this time it's Coming from my brain.

It won't shut up.

I got this feeling that it's Going to keep nagging me

Until I just Do the right thing

And break it off With the daughter.

Whoa. Wait. Sammy, sammy, listen.

I could probably weather This scruples stuff,

But the guys,

I mean, they look up To you so much.

Sammy. Sammy.

Please. Reconsider, ok?

A mother And her daughter.

This was gonna be Something I could tell My grandchildren.

Um, sam, sam, sam.

Listen, guys.

I just have to do The right thing here.

Hi. Hi.

What are you doing?

I want to talk to you.

I hope I'm doing The right thing Coming to you.

My mom doesn't Know I'm here.

I don't know How to ask you this.

I've never done it before.

Ooh. Ooh.

Go on.

Sam, when I was A little girl,

I used to think you were The most wonderful man In the whole world,

And I still do.

But I'm not A little girl anymore.

Ooh. Ooh.

Could you wait A minute?

I'll be right back.

Remember Those scruples?

To the showers.

Say, laurie...

I want to tell you How happy I am That you feel

You can come And talk to me

Because I feel That you and I have this--

Oh. Look at that. A new ring?

That's what I Came to ask you.

What? I'm getting married.

And I want you To give me away.

Well, you little Sl--sly one.

Who's the lucky guy?

He's a guy I met At school.

We've been Going together A couple of years.

You know, he's a lot Like a young you, sam.

Thank you.

I can't wait To give you away.

Thank you, Uncle sammy!

I love you.

Yeah, whatever. Run along.

I'm so sorry.

Don't feel bad, Sammy.

I let you guys down.

Listen, sammy.

Sure, things didn't Go your way.

And sure, we're a Little disappointed.

But we'll Get over it.

What's important Here is

That you tried to do The wrong thing.

Hey, that's right. I did, didn't I?

Sam-my. Sam-my. Sam-my. Sam-my.

Thank you. Ok, now.

I think there's some More cake and ice cream In there for you.

Oh, binky, You were wonderful.

I must admit I was A bit worried at first.

It took us quite a while To warm up to you.

Well, thank you, Kind lady.

Actually, I have a Confession to make.

I'm really Dr. Frasier crane,

Practicing Psychiatrist.

Clowning is My avocation.

And miss howe.

I will be sure to mention To my husband

The splendid work You did on this party.

Thank you, Mrs. Ridgeway.

Now, if you will Excuse me for a moment.

You have no idea How lucky we are.

That was woody On the phone.

He called To check up on us.

That handkerchief Is a trick handkerchief.

If you had pulled that Out of your pocket,

Your pants would have Fallen down around your ankles,

And we would have seen Those skimpy underpants.

Oh, good lord. That's not The half of it.

You see, I took off that French torture device

Lilith got me Earlier today.

I've been doing this Al fresco.

Dr. Crane, would you Come here for a moment?

I'd like you To meet my mother.

Why, yes, I'd be delighted to.

I've heard such Wonderful things about her.

Ah-choo!

Gesundheit, madam. Here's my handkerchief.

[rebecca] no!

Aah! Aah!

Mother! Mother!