Original subtitles

"Cheers"Is filmed before A live studio audience.

Woman: you're up Pretty late, aren't you?

Nothing better to do Than watch tv?

Feeling a little lonely In the big city?

Come and join the party.

Call 5 double 5, p-r-t-y

For the best party line In boston.

That's right. There Are lots of fun people On the line right now

Waiting for you To join in their fun talk.

Only $2.00 plus toll, If any,

For three minutes Of party-line madness.

Why don't you try us?

There's only one way To find out

What sort of wild people Call the party line.

Dial 5 double 5, p-r-t-y.

Hi. My name's woody.

I'm from indiana, And I'm--

Oh, hi, mr. Clavin.

Hey.

* sometimes You want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you want to be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

How about over here By the bar, miss howe?

Do we really Have to do this?

What's going on?

I'll be right with you.

The "Globe" is Doing an article

On women who run pubs,

And now he wants to Take my picture.

I really dread this.

Why?

Because I get so Tensed up

In front of A camera, All of a sudden

I start looking Like something The cat coughed up.

Mmm. Can I have An 8 x 10 for My mantelpiece?

How about a 2 x 4 For your bridgework?

Listen. Let me give you A few hints here.

I had a lot of pictures Taken of me when I was playing ball.

Just relax. Take the tip of Your tongue and wet your lips.

Good. Now wet my lips.

Oh, come on.

Uh-oh, you're tensing up. Now just relax.

Thank you.

Oh! Wait a minute! You can't use that Picture.

I had my tongue Sticking out.

Can I have Three copies of that?

Please, take Another picture

And warn me This time.

I want this To look natural And spontaneous.

Come on, come on. You got to relax.

Think of something Ridiculous.

Like what?

Like him.

Hey, you're better Than the snoopy puppets

I use with the kids. Thanks, miss howe.

Boy, oh, boy.

How many times have I walked through that door?

Yep. Good-bye, old bar.

Take care, old stool.

Where you Going, cliff?

I'm going in For surgery tomorrow.

Who knows if I'll ever walk Under god's blue sky again.

It's all up to The man upstairs.

Vic, the maitre d' At melville's?

Look, woody... No, never mind.

What are you Talking about?

It took a lot of expensive And complicated tests, sammy,

But they finally found out What that pain was in my Abdomen.

The experts... Call it appendicitis.

Aw... Jeez! Whew!

Cliffie, come On. Now, that's A simple thing.

I had it when I was a kid.

There's nothing To it.

I actually liked having My appendix out.

My parents told me I could have All the ice cream I wanted.

No, woody, I think you're Talking

About tonsils.

It was a long Time ago, sam,

But I'm pretty sure It was ice cream.

So when are You going in?

It's tomorrow.

Now look. I want you guys To promise me,

If I don't pull Through this thing,

There'll be no Big emotional scenes, No eulogies,

Just a small Memorial service

Where you guys sit around And tell the funnier Stories about me.

Ok. I got dibs On this one.

Great news, everybody.

Lilith and I have Just gotten back From the auto club.

We have The complete itinerary

For our motoring trip Through the u.S.A. In our chevrolet.

It's a mercedes, dear.

That was a joke, Frasier.

Oh. I forgot I married a madcap.

Hey, listen, folks. Nobody's really Interested

About your little Motor trip.

We're talking about My upcoming surgery.

So now, where was I?

So are you going to See the grand canyon?

Don't miss yosemite.

Listen, if you go to The alligator farm Outside tallahassee,

Tell ivar Woody says hey, hey.

Frasier: Of course.

Ok, gather around, Everybody.

I'll show you The interstates We're gonna take.

Sam, can I talk to you For a minute?

Sure. Have a seat.

Frasier and I Will be covering over 4,500 miles round-trip,

And I think it's only Fair that I share Some of the driving.

However, I am handicapped By one tiny thing.

I've never operated A motorized vehicle before.

You don't know How to drive?

I always meant to learn, But when I was a teenager, I was too busy having fun.

Would you teach me, sam?

Uh, what About frasier?

We're too close.

I need someone to whom I have no emotional Attachment whatsoever.

So, as a friend, Would you do me This favor?

Yeah, why not? When do we start?

The sooner the better.

How do you think I'll do?

I've never had A woman in a car

That didn't Do great.

Wonderful. You teach me To drive, I'll help you With your sense of humor.

Here's where you gotta To be real careful.

You see, I-75 runs Right down here into I-39.

If you don't stay In the far left lane,

It's hello, tulsa!

Cliff: well, I got to be Moseying along, guys.

I'll see you later. I'm going under the knife In about 12 hours or so.

Now, look, don't feel that You have to go out of your Way to stop by and visit.

New england presbyterian, Room 1-9er-4,

Visiting hours Between 11:00 and 9:00.

Cliffie, I'm sure Everything is gonna Be just ok.

Oh, yeah, well, now, Sure it is, norm.

You know, I'm in the hands Of skilled professionals.

It's not like the old days, Is it, where they give you

A shot of whiskey, Lick the scalpel, And go a-carvin', eh?

The same is true In my profession.

Time was when A person's behavior Deviated in any way

From what society Considered normal,

The town barber would Take a rusty drill,

Bore a hole In your head,

And let the evil Spirits out.

Well, good thing We didn't live Back then, huh?

Carla: yeah. You'd Be looking pretty much like

A wiffle ball by now, Wouldn't you?

I don't believe You guys.

That's it. I'm leaving.

Fine. Who needs Your kind around Here anyway?

Gentlemen.

I think that this bar is Big enough for people

Who like "The addams family" And "The munsters."

Ok. All right. Fine.

I'll take back what I said about cousin it.

That's ok. It Was in the heat Of the moment.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey, here's That article they Interviewed rebecca for.

Look at that.

Sam: oh, hey, How's her picture?

There isn't one.

Oh, god. It was so Crummy, they didn't Even print it.

Wait a minute. There it is right There on the back.

How is it?

Eew! Eew!

Is it that bad?

No. Norm got cheez whiz All over the paper.

Actually, The picture's not bad.

Not bad?

It's great.

Let me see that.

[gasp]

This is a decent Picture of me. Look at that.

I'm gorgeous and sexy!

And dead As a door nail.

What?

You're in The obituaries.

Oh, god!

Now, don't feel bad. It says you died in bed.

I didn't know You helped build The panama canal.

Woody, that is Someone else's obituary.

I am not dead. I'm a living, breathing Human being.

I know that.

So where did they Put all the dirt, Anyway?

Excuse me. Can I get someone To sign for these?

Yo. Right over here.

Let's see these.

Oh, they're from Corporate headquarters.

Did we do well Last month?

"Dear friends at cheers,

"We mourn the loss Of rebecca howe.

At last her pain Is over."

I'm gonna call them up And straighten this out

Before they start Making funeral Arrangements.

If I were you, I'd have a closed casket.

Yeah, well, Why grandpa munster Never won an emmy,

I'll never know.

Come on. Maybe it's because

He stole his whole character From uncle fester.

Oh, lord, Is this still going on?

This has got to be One of the stupidest Arguments I've ever heard

Since I started Coming to this bar.

Hey, we resent that.

Yeah. Why wasn't it Thestupidest?

Well, frankly, it lacks Meaningless statistics

And inane Historical trivia.

Say, where Is cliff anyway?

Yeah, is he still In the hospital?

Uh, I don't know. How's he doing?

I thought you were Going to see him.

I tried. I got as Far as the hospital Lobby,

But you know The smell of alcohol

Makes me Really queasy.

I was going to see him, But I got to wait until I have a night off here.

Woody, how about you?

Oh, that's what This string on my Finger is for.

What the heck is This one for?

Well, surely, somebody Gave him a call

Or sent flowers?

Card?

Carla?

Yeah, right.

[all talking at once]

Look, this is terrible.

Don't you realize that Since cliff's mother Moved to florida,

We are his sole Support group?

This desertion In his hour of crisis

Could cause him Deep emotional scars.

So why don't you Go see him?

What, I don't Have a life?

I think we ought To go down there Right now

And tell mr. Clavin How we feel About him.

Don't you think that Would be a little cruel?

I mean, the guy just Had an operation.

Actually, visiting Hours are over.

We're gonna have To wait until tomorrow.

Yeah.

Say, wait a minute. Cliff's at new england Presbyterian.

It's on my rounds. I have to go by there tonight.

I can get in To see him.

Great! Why don't you Go buy a card

And date it Yesterday

And sign all our Names to it, ok?

Yeah. Slam dunk.

Is that going To be enough?

Come on. It's just An appendectomy.

They're taking out A useless organ.

He's chock-full of those.

Excuse me. I'm dr. Crane.

Where is mr. Clavin?

He was just Discharged.

Oh, great. Just my luck.

I'm the one who gets To run all over town To find a stupid card

For the idiot clavin, He isn't even here.

Just a token Of how much we care.

Don't you want To read the card?

I just forgot My jacket.

You're going To hear it anyway, cliff.

"Glad you're Feeling better.

"So sorry you were ill.

"If you thought things Were bad before,

Wait till You get the bill."

Oh, that zesty Greeting card humor.

Well, gee, cliff, we're Just trying to help.

You want to help?

Well, uh, Maybe you could Help with this.

I, uh...

I've been doing Some soul-searching.

A man gets a lot Of time to think

With a tube Up his nose.

What I realize Is that, well,

I'm alone In this world.

Nobody came To visit me.

Not one of my So-called friends Out there

Even bothered To walk through That door.

Look, and they all feel Terrible about it, cliff.

They lead busy lives. They just couldn't Find the time--

Come on, doc, Cut the malarkey, Will you?

They found the time To visit sammy when He was in the hospital.

Carla, when she Had the twins.

Normie when he went in For the butt tuck.

I know why They didn't visit.

It's because It was me.

No, cliff.

Oh, yeah. Come on, doc.

They don't like me. They don't really care.

Come on. You can Tell me the truth.

Go ahead. Right between the eyes-- Give it to me.

Well, I suppose you're Not the most popular Person in the bar.

Oh, and you are, huh?

Doc, do you suppose Comments like that

Are part Of the problem?

Could be.

God, I don't Believe it.

I mean, All these years,

And I never realized it.

Could I really be That insensitive?

Man: oohh!

Cliff.

Oh, god. I am insensitive.

Hey, sorry there, Old-timer.

What can I do about it?

A little therapy Might not be amiss.

Oh, no, doc. Isn't there Something better than therapy?

Something A little quicker?

A little easier?

We're talking about A major personality Change, cliff.

It's not you're trying To quit smoking.

We can't give you An electric shock

Every time you reach For a cigarette.

Hey, yeah, That's not A bad idea.

Now just calm down.

Maybe I'm overstating The problem.

Maybe all you need To get people to like you A little better

Is just some good Old-fashioned politeness.

Maybe you don't need to take Any desperate measures.

Oh, yes, He does.

So you get ahold Of him?

No, no. I just get The darn answering machine All the time.

I hate that message.

It's not so much The content of the message.

It's the fact that Cliff sings it to The tune of "Volare."

Well, he's got to come back Sooner or later.

Look, I suggest That when he does,

We all give him A very warm welcome.

Yeah. Good idea.

Well, all I'm promising Is not to treat him Like a bug.

Well, you see carla's Willing to go That extra mile.

Hello, frasier.

Ah.

Hello, blossom-bottom. How was your lesson?

I like driving.

It's a wonderful Feeling.

Total control Of woman over machine--

The speed, the power, The ecstasy... I was jazzed.

You know,

You're insane.

You're a maniac. You're certifiable.

I'm glad to see You're talking To me again.

Has your nose Stopped bleeding?

Jeez, sam, Are you all right?

No thanks To your wife.

I cannot believe You made that gesture To that guy.

I see people Make that gesture

To frasier All the time.

Yeah, but frasier's Not driving An 18-wheeler

With a little Bumper sticker That says

"Insured by Smith & wesson."

Well, he cut me off.

That happens All the time.

It doesn't mean that You gun it up to 80

And run the guy Off the road.

I blew his doors off, Didn't I?

And the last thing you want To do is stop the car, Get out,

And start Poking your finger In the folds of his neck.

I wasn't afraid. I thought you Could handle him.

Yeah, Well, I tried, Didn't I?

Oh, yes. That vicious Head butt to his fist Sent him reeling.

Come on, honey. Let's hurry And have lunch.

I'm anxious To take you For a spin.

Certainly, my dear.

Lots of luck, doc. You know, She's a menace.

You are a hazard To every driver

And pedestrian On the road.

I'll tell you Something else--

You shouldn't be Allowed to get

Anywhere near Anything with wheels

Because you are By far the worst, The most dangerous,

The most Maniacal driver I've ever seen!

I was fine.

Now, cliff, let me Remind you again,

It is extremely Unorthodox to use shock Aversion treatment

Outside the clinic.

I make no guarantees--

Yeah, look. We covered All that.

It's time to Go for broke, All right?

Whatever you say. Are your contacts In place?

Yeah. Better Test it just To make sure.

Good idea. Say something obnoxious.

What do you mean, Obnoxious?

I don't know What's obnoxious.

You're the So-called expert.

Eeh! Perfect.

Guys, look. It's cliff. He's back.

Ok, remember, this Is his first time back Since the operation,

So just make A big welcome for him

And act like you're interested In everything he has to say.

Hey, guys.

Hey!

Yay!

All right!

Hey, hardly Recognized you

Out of uniform, Big guy.

Yeah. Listen, we're So sorry we didn't come Down to the hospital.

No problem.

So how was The operation?

Yeah. Yeah. How much did They shave?

I don't want to bore you With stories about me.

I'm more interested In what you guys Have been up to.

I don't know, uh...

Usual stuff--

No, no. Don't be shy.

Come on. Share with me.

Sam's giving Dr. Sternin Driving lessons.

Cliff: Should be giving her Personality lessons.

Eeh!

But, uh... Who among us is perfect?

So, uh...

When are you getting Back to the route?

Doc said An ordinary guy would be Out for three weeks,

But with my incredible Physical stamina--

Uhh! Three weeks.

Cliffie, Are you ok?

You know--

Oh, yeah. A little pain From the stitches.

Mmm. Oh, wow. Right.

You know, it's lucky You dropped by.

We were having This argument.

Maybe you can Settle it for us.

We were wondering who Came up with that great Post office phrase--

Rain, sleet, Dark of night--

Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me.

He did ask.

Ok, but keep it Short.

Well, then...You know, Interestingly enough,

It harks back to The early persian empire

About 500 b.C.

Is that right? Good.

Yeah, yeah. As a matter of fact,

A lot of our Ancient wonders Are postal-related.

Get out.

Oh, yeah. No, really.

The pyramids, For example-- They were post offices.

And the sphinx--that was A late night drop-off. Eeh!

But...I digress.

Cliff... Cliff: huh?

When you were In the hospital,

Did they give you A lobotomy?

I mean, It suits you.

Oh, boy, did I miss This good-natured ribbing.

Eeh!

Excuse me.

Getting a little Trigger-happy

With that thing, Aren't you?

You sounded A little sarcastic.

I wasn't being Sarcastic.

Judgment call.

Fair enough.

Welcome back, cliff.

Eeh!

What the hell Was that for?

Oh, sorry. Thumb spasm.

Well, it's good to be back. So who's going to Buy me a beer? Eeh!

Come on. It was a joke, You bozo.

Eeh! Stop that.

Eeh! I said stop that!

All right, The experiment's off! Eeh!

You're a quack! Eeh! Eeh! Eeh! Eeh! Eeh!

Ok...Let's see How you like it, pal.

Remember, we still have Your deposit on that unit!

So, what were we Talking about?

Cliff...What's Going on here?

Where?

Come on, cliff.

Well, it's some Harebrained scheme I came up with.

When you guys Didn't visit me In the hospital,

I knew It was because I wasn't popular.

So I...Went down To this aversion Therapy place

And bribed The guy to...

Give me a shock Every time I acted like a jerk.

I thought It could...Make me A different person.

Guess it Didn't work, huh?

I'd better be going.

I'll see you guys later.

As a matter of fact, I guess I won't, huh?

He'll be back.

Yeah, Sure he will.

I don't know.

Yeah. He kind of sounded Different this time.

Somebody ought To go get him.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,

But who?

I want norm.

Looks like you're up, Big fellow.

Yeah. I'll Have to see if I Can go catch him, huh?

Cliffie!

Cliff.

Come back in here, You big mug.

You know We love you, huh?

This place wouldn't Be the same without you.

Yeah. Yeah. Sure.

No, and we owe you A big apology

For not going To visit you In the hospital.

And?

We're sorry We made you feel

Like you had to do all that Dumb shock therapy stuff.

Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. Sure.

And?

And, uh...It wasn't Really necessary

'cause We're the jerks,

And you're not.

Yeah. Yeah.

And?

Don't push it, Clavin.

Now, now, carla, Stop your blubbering.

Well, I guess I'm a big enough man

To accept Your apologies,

And I guess there Are one or two things

I could change About my personality,

And, well, let's Start with this.

Innkeeper, champagne On me for all my friends.

Oh. All right.

Great. All right.

Sammy? Yeah.

Let's make it The cheap stuff, ok?

Unh!

All right, Who's got the button?

Not here.

Dance, mailman.