Original subtitles

"Cheers"Is filmed before A live studio audience.

Woody, I have a lot Of work to do here.

So please make sure I'm not disturbed.

Woody: yes, ma'am.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Miss howe?

You want me to hold Business and personal calls?

Yes.

You got it.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Miss howe?

What if it's An emergency

Or something only You can handle?

Woody, I'm turning The bar over to you.

I have complete Confidence.

[knock on door]

Yes?

Miss howe?

I want you to know How much I appreciate Your confidence in me.

I won't let you down.

[knock on door]

Woody, I'm trying to Get some work done here,

And you're Driving me crazy!

Now get out of here And leave me alone!

[crying] I'm sorry, miss howe.

* sometimes You want to go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you want to be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you want to be where Everybody knows your name *

Hey, fras. New briefcase?

No, it's my new portable Cellular telephone.

The answer to every busy Therapist's prayers.

You see, with this I can instantly

Get in touch with My patients in crisis.

Who knows how many lives It may save?

It looks cool, too. Doesn't it?

[telephone rings]

Excuse me.

Oh, jeez.

I seem to Have forgotten The combination.

[ring]

I was certain I programmed Lilith's birthday

So I'd remember it.

Oh, no.

My birthday.

Frasier, it's getting A little annoying.

Yeah, of course.

Freud's birthday!

Hello? Cheers.

Two drafts, sam. Coming right up.

Shouldn't you be on Your way to the airport?

No, eddie called From louisville.

He said the performers' Plane was gonna be A little late,

So he'd meet me here.

He must be Getting excited, huh?

I thought that Ice show would never Get back to boston.

It has been tough.

He misses me, You know.

The kids miss him,

Not to mention that I happen To be at my sexual peak.

You've been there Since you were 12.

When you find A place you like, Why leave it?

[ring]

Man: answer The damn phone!

Sorry. Sorry.

Oh, wait! Jung's address!

Ah, finally.

Hello.

No, there is No itzak here.

Woody, here are Your tickets.

Tickets? All right!

Company season tickets.

Patriots-dolphins tonight. 2 on the 40-yard line.

Thanks, miss howe.

You know, You are the greatest Boss I ever had.

Ahem!

I mean...You're The prettiest boss I ever had.

Ahem!

I mean, thanks.

So, uh, woodster, What time are we Leaving, bud?

Mr. Peterson, You'd be interested

In going to something Like this?

Wait-t-t-t-t.

Fair is fair.

Woody, Didn't I invite you

To a very special occasion Just last week?

That's right, Mr. Clavin.

I sure did enjoy That garage sale.

Excuse me, but why Do I seem to have been Automatically excluded?

You have to go home To your wife.

What about your wife?

You can't be this dense With your patients.

Hey, carla, I'm back!

Hey! Eddie!

Everybody!

Not here. Everybody's watching.

Excuse me. I'll be right back.

I just got to show Eddie something.

[passionate moaning]

Aw, gee, it's good To be home.

Give me a beer, sam.

Here.

Thanks, sam.

Ah! A charm bracelet.

From cincinnati.

Yeah. There's A little beer stein,

Little bowl Of sauerkraut,

And pete rose's head.

Ooh, carla, Can I borrow it?

Fat chance.

This better not Turn my wrist green. No.

Hey.

Hey, buddy.

How's the show Doing?

Terrific. We signed A new headliner-- Franzi schrempf.

Oh! You mean The east german Gold medalist?

That's her.

She's joining The show in boston.

Sure would like To meet her

Without having To go to that Stupid ice show.

You may be in luck, norm,

Because I invited her And some of the cast

To drop by here later.

She is amazing.

She actually Grabs the blade

And touches the back Of her head with it.

Can you do this?

Hey, are the kids home? I haven't talked to them Since I got back.

I wanted to give them A call.

Oh, yeah, go ahead.

Just make sure You identify yourself By name.

Just saying "It's dad" Leaves too much room For confusion.

Cliff: You know, carla,

According to "The weekly gabber,"

This franzi schrempf Has affairs

With every man She's worked with.

I'm telling you, She's a man-eater.

Look, clavin, I'm not worried, So just shut up.

There's a lot of things Wrong with eddie,

But I know I can trust him.

We've been married For over a year now,

And not once in that Entire time has His eye wandered.

Well, his good eye.

I'm talking Completely Over her head.

I mean she must be Triple-jointed Or something.

Hey, eddie, Come here.

I was just Laughing about

Something stupid Cliff said.

He says that This franzi

Has a thing for The men she works with,

Says she changes lovers

More than most people Change socks.

I don't have anything To worry about with you In that area, do I?

No, honey, not at all.

I put a fresh pair On this morning.

Eddie: Hey, here she is!

Everybody...

I want you to meet Franzi schrempf.

Welcome to the bar, Franzi.

We're all-- Well, we're big Fans of yours.

Thank you.

We were just wondering,

Now that you're here In boston,

What are your plans?

Well, while I'm here,

I would like to wear Blue jeans,

See a tom cruise movie,

And eat a big mac.

Sexy, dumb, And a cheap date.

Well, in the spirit Of detente,

I wouldn't mind Having some arms talks With franzi.

I'd like to see her try To control my arms.

I wouldn't object To a little mutual On-site inspection.

See what kind of Payload she can deliver.

Produce missiles In western europe?

[no audible dialogue]

Eddie: hey, sam...

She is something, eh? Yeah.

You know, If I was younger, Taller, handsomer...

And had a brain In my head,

I never would've Started this sentence.

You think she's pretty, Don't you.

Well, yeah,

If you're Into looks,

Which I'm not.

Just don't get Any ideas.

Ideas?

Franzi doesn't Even know I exist.

Eddie, do you Have a light?

You know, I'm sort of The host here tonight.

I'd better take Care of this.

Yep! Paper covers rock,

And the mailman goes To the patriots' game.

That is absurd.

You're telling me that If I took my rock And hurled it,

It wouldn't smash Right through that Puny piece of paper?

Oh, will you come on!

You're just crying Baby shoes

'cause you're not Going to the game.

Baby shoes? Children! Children!

There's a much more Fairer way To decide this.

Foot race to the corner And back!

The winner goes To the game!

False start!

I'm running this race Under protest!

Carla, I don't think You have

Anything to worry About with eddie.

I don't know. I get this sense of doom.

Maybe it's intuition.

Maybe it's the fact that every Time eddie gets excited,

He starts sweating Like a ditch digger.

Mom? You'll Never believe this.

I'm calling you From a briefcase.

Yeah.

Say, franzi,

You know, I was Just thinking,

Seeing how you're New in town,

How about I show you Our fair city?

I do not think so. We have just met.

That's not proper In my country.

I drive a 'vette.

I drive a porsche.

Maybe we Could race sometime.

Say, congratulations, Mr. Peterson.

You're the winner.

Put it on My headstone.

Well, congratulations, Norm.

You won the first leg Of our triathlon.

Now, on to the...

Now on to the biking And swimming portions.

Anybody know this guy?

We found him face down

At the top Of the steps.

Never saw Him before.

Oh, hey, mr. Peterson, We better hurry.

We're gonna miss The kickoff.

Get out of here.

Come on! We got to run!

No, no.

Woody! No, man! Woody!

Excuse me. I think the guy On the steps

Would like something To drink.

We don't do take-out.

Hey, uh, franzi,

What's the matter?

Sammy doesn't Spin your propeller?

He's rude, crude, And very stupid.

I guess all the sweet, Simple guys are taken.

Don't you forget it.

Say, I'll bet With all that skating,

You get Pretty sore muscles.

Have you Ever experienced

Sammy's all-american Deep muscle massage?

Have you Ever experienced Knowing when to quit?

Are you sure You're not from Around here?

Eddie? Yes.

Would you be so kind

To give me lift Back to the hotel?

Oh, sure, franzi, Anything.

You're so sweet.

Well, there he goes, Carla.

Don't say I didn't warn you.

You've got to Give her credit.

She didn't say it.

Say, eh, rebecca,

Was it a big hassle Getting those company Tickets for woody?

No.

Can you get some for me?

No.

I get it. Employees only, huh?

No.

Gotcha. Can't go to The well too often.

No.

Then you just don't want To get 'em for me?

Yeah.

No harm in asking.

Man, what is with these East german babes?

All week long, I've been trying--

Phone calls, flowers, The whole thing.

What am I doing wrong?

Well, sam, I see No alternative.

You're just gonna have To become a communist.

What do you do?

You apply for a membership Or something?

I cannot believe My ears.

What?

We're not talking about The moose lodge here.

You're talking Communists,

The most reprehensible Perpetrators

Of social and economic Oppression

Ever known To mankind.

I mean, they brainwash you,

They put you to work In some tractor factory.

As for creature comforts, Forget it.

Yeah, but the stuff you had Before you joined

Is still your stuff, Am I right?

Ordering.

What are you Ordering, carla?

I forget.

You know Where to reach me.

Carla, are you preoccupied With something?

You don't still think

Eddie's messing around With franzi, do you?

I have my suspicions.

Well, what evidence Do you have?

I'll tell you What I have.

I have nothing!

That was the one Good thing about nick.

With nick, I always Knew for sure.

How? He told me.

I mean, nick used to

Stick polaroids in The family album.

Carla, you don't have Anything to worry about.

I'm telling you,

Franzi would Never date anyone

From that crummy Ice show.

I can't believe That dame!

She said She can't see me

Because she's fallen for Some guy in the ice show.

Carla, she's probably Just saying that

Because she wants to get sam To quit bugging her.

I'll have to Remember that one.

No, she's dating Somebody all right.

Get a load of this Little tidbit of gossip.

"What international Skating star was seen Spooling spaghetti

With a short, dark, Melon-faced companion?"

Eddie!

Sam: oh, come on, Carla.

"Short, dark, Melon-faced"?

That could be Anybody in the show.

I guess that explains Why it's not

One of the more Popular ice shows.

Why, that no-good Two-timing

Scum-sucking Son of a...

Hey, honey bear, come give Your lover man a hug.

Gggrrrr!

Hey, eddie. Eddie!

You mind if I borrow Carla here for a minute?

No problem.

It'll give me time To find my tooth.

Hey, frasier, help Him out there, will you?

Tell him one Of your funny Psychiatry stories.

Will you sit down!

Now what the hell Do you think you doing?

I'm killing The horny little frog!

Come here, Will you?

Murder is Not the answer

To every one of life's Little problems, you know that?

First of all, You don't even know

If he did Anything wrong.

And second, if he was A little tempted,

Maybe you pushed him Into it.

Oh, what are you Talking about?

Did you ever think That maybe

You aren't exactly Nice to the guy?

Sammy, you know me. This is an nice as it gets.

But this is the way

You handle everything In your life,

And it never works.

Ok, o god of Good relationships,

What do you Suggest I do?

Carla, you got To let eddie know

How you feel inside.

You embrace him, Not just with Your heart,

But with your very soul.

Give unto him, And he will give Unto you.

Ok, no more For this clown.

Listen, I'm talking about The occasional backrub,

The general all-around Pampering.

Maybe buy one of those Low-cut frilly dresses.

Oh, you mean That "Total woman" b.S.?

I find that Completely repulsive.

Well, that explains All the men

Beating down your door, Doesn't it?

Sweetheart, listen, You got to become The ideal woman.

Treat him Like a god.

Cater to his every whim.

Oh, yuck! I can't do that. I can't do frilly.

You know what they say,

You can catch More flies with honey Than with vinegar.

Maybe I shouldn't be Butting in here,

But you can catch the most With dead squirrels.

Come on. Guys, guys.

I'm not going To do this, ok?

I'm gonna get to the bottom Of it in my own way.

Well, I say To this patient,

"Look, you're never Going to get well

Until you get over This paranoia."

And he says to me, "I was afraid you'd say that"

[laughs]

Well, you had To be there.

Your phone Is ringing.

Ooh!

Why did you Attack me like that?

I'm sorry, eddie.

Look, I've been Very tense lately.

Can I ask you Something?

Sure.

Are you happy With me? Boy, am I.

No complaints? Not one Complaint.

You're lying. Everybody has one complaint.

I want one complaint,

Or I'm not going To believe you're happy.

Well, ok.

What?

Remember The other night

When I asked If I could have

A few buddies Over for poker...

And you shoved my face Into the refrigerator?

Well, I guess I didn't like that.

Listen, eddie.

I want you To promise me something.

I want you To promise me

That if you ever Find someone

Who makes you Happier than I do,

That you'll tell me.

Oh, yeah, right! What do you mean by that?

You'd kill me. No, I won't.

Now tell me the truth! Are you having an affair?

No!

Did you believe when you said I wouldn't kill you?

No!

Then if you were having An affair, you would still Be saying no!

Yes! Even if I were Having an affair, I'd still say no!

Honey, look. I got to Tell you something.

I have a real bad Headache from this Conversation,

And I need to lie down In a dark room.

Where do I go For frilly?

All right, norm,

I will See your nickel,

And I'll raise you A nickel.

Too rich For my blood.

Hey, honey, More chips and dip!

Carla: right away, Sweetheart!

Hey, ed, what's With the old lady?

Why is she acting So nice?

I got no idea.

She's been Doing it all week.

But I got no idea How a car works, either,

But I don't mind Riding in one, eh?

That's rich!

Shades of the algonquin Round table.

Here you are, Sweetheart.

Just the way You like it.

Oh, thanks. I thought you forgot us.

No! I was Just carrying

Another keg in From the garage.

[doorbell rings]

Oh! Let me get that, Baby face.

And when you're Through with that,

Could you grab me A beer?

Anything you want.

Me, too, please.

What do I look like, A waitress?

Oh, sam, Thank god it's you.

I think I'm hemorrhaging.

Well, don't worry about it. I got some great news...

For you, at least.

I went to franzi's Dressing room

To give her Another chance.

Guess who was there? Her boyfriend.

Her boyfriend Was there?

And eddie's here?

Eddie: hey, carla! Beer me!

You think eddie Looks like a melon?

Boy, I tell you, You put a cantaloupe

Up next to That guy's face,

I defy you To tell the difference.

Eddie: carla, What are you doing out There? Growing the hops?

Right away, dear.

Maybe I'll join them For a few hands of cards.

Don't bother. The game's Just about to break up.

Thanks For the warning.

Hey, honey, we're running A little low on dip.

You want some dip?

Here's your dip.

And your chips And your drinks

And your cards!

You want them?

Help yourselves!

I don't know about you guys, I'm a little bushed.

You know,

We really must get together Like this more often.

Oh, for God's sake, norm.

Let the dog Have the dip!

Now what the hell Was that all about?

You never laid A hand on that Franzi, did you?

Did you kiss her? Did you pinch her? Did you do anything?

No! I swear it!

Well, how could You humiliate me Like that?

Franzi?

Carla, is that what You're all upset about?

You think there's Something going on Between me and franzi?

Listen, if that woman Threw herself at me,

I would have nothing To do with her.

In fact, today at rehearsal, I saw how inhuman she could be.

She humiliated One of the guys

Just because he made A little mistake.

Chewed him out In front of everyone.

Actually spit on him.

If it upset you so much,

Why didn't you Defend the guy?

I was the guy!

So nothing Was going on,

And you let me Walk around like Debbie reynolds.

Why didn't you Stop me?

I thought maybe You were pregnant again

And this was your way Of telling me.

Well, you didn't Have to like it so much.

Like it? It gives me The creeps.

Well, you certainly Seemed to like it

When you were making All those stupid cracks In front of your friends.

Well, you know The competition

To be witty In front of those guys.

Besides, honey, I mean,

Isn't the important Thing

That I've been Faithful to you?

You have been, Haven't you?

Yeah.

Guess I kind of Lost sight of that.

I was never married to anyone Who was faithful before.

You're really A good guy, eddie.

I don't deserve you.

But I'm gonna try to.

From now on, I'm gonna be The perfect wife.

I don't want you to be The perfect wife.

I want the girl I married--

Feisty, strong-willed,

And, well, Downright nasty...

In a beautiful way.

You really mean that, eddie? Oh, you bet I do.

Then get your sorry butt Into the kitchen.

There's a sinkful Of dishes,

The garbage disposal Is clogged,

And there's a cat box With your name on it.

What are you Doing?

Oh, my sweetie Is back.

Beat it!

[theme music playing]