Original subtitles

"Cheers" is filmed before A live studio audience.

Hi, wood. Let me get a beer, Will ya?

Oh, say, what did you do To your thumb there?

Well, It's a long story.

But I was playing This guy some pool Last night.

I had this 1-4-7 combination.

I was trying to show Off and sink all of Them in one shot,

But the balls Were positioned In such a way

That I had to lean Way over the edge of The table

And get in a kind of Twisted-up--

Yeah. So, what, you fell And broke your thumb?

No. I still couldn't Get the shoot, so I went And got the bridge.

And I got up on a chair.

I put all my weight On the bridge.

It snapped, and you Fell and broke your thumb?

No. I made the shot, And I beat the guy.

Oh, so he got angry And he broke your thumb?

No. I beat him fair and Square and he paid me The 10 bucks he owed me.

So how did You break your thumb?

I slipped on the ice On my way home.

Woody, why did you Go into all that Long-winded detail

About the game?

It wouldn't have been Much of a story without The pool stuff.

Yo, woody. What happened To your thumb?

I slipped On the ice.

Woody, Why didn't you tell him

The long, Drawn-out version?

That's the guy I was playing Pool with.

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would Help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away? *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are All the same *

* you wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name **

What the hell Is keeping diane?

I'm gonna be late For school.

School, carla? I must say,

I'm delightfully Astonished.

I've always held That adult education

Is one of the finest gifts That one can give oneself.

Kudos on joining The ever-burgeoning ranks

Of enlightened, Wondering minds

Seeking betterment Through knowledge.

It's traffic school, You nimrod.

Got pinched, Huh, carla?

Yeah, speeding. But it wasn't my fault.

There was a leaf Stuck on my windshield.

I had to gun her up to 80 To blow it off.

The cop didn't Believe you?

No. Couldn't Be bribed either.

Carla, you offered A policeman money?

Money? With a body Like this?

Hello, everyone. We're back.

Sammy, where You been, man?

Picking china patterns.

This may have been The stupidest morning Of my life.

Sam, don't forget. Tomorrow we register For flatware.

The second stupidest.

Did you Select something nice?

We've committed to Royal dalton's carlisle For the fine china,

But sam still hasn't Made up his mind About everyday ware.

Yes, I have.

I liked the dishes With the different Colored flowers.

Oh, ish.

I love those. They're Just like I had When I was a kid.

They're real pretty.

And if you don't Like the food On your plate,

You can hide it In the pattern.

Ok. Fine.

Well, why don't you Think about it?

And if you still insist They're not the most garish,

Bourgeois, stomach-turningly Ugly pattern in the book,

Then that's What we'll get.

She's making me nuts With this wedding stuff.

So ditch her.

You know, If I had my way,

I'd find the nearest Justice of the peace And tie the knot.

You know, that's not Such a bad idea.

Right. Or you Could ditch her.

Don't you have Traffic school Or something?

Nuts. Now I'm Going to be late.

I guess I could make it If I run all the yellows.

Sam, I've got penelope From the bridal registry On the line.

We're going back over The linen choices.

Now, for The fingertip towels In the guest bath,

Do we want monogrammed, Or is that too ootsy?

The second thing You said.

I agree.

Of course, A simple initial Can be elegant.

I think you'd better Look at the picture.

I need A man's opinion.

Frasier, help diane, Will you please?

Sam.

These will be Our fingertip towels

For the rest Of our lives.

We'd better Get married quick, Or I'll kill her.

All right, all right, That's it.

Bachelor party Here tonight.

What are you Talking about?

Didn't you hear the man? He might be eloping.

I'm not gonna be done out Of my right as best man

To throw him The best wingding Of the century.

All right. Now, So what--

Wait a minute here, Cliff.

Sam asked you To be his best man?

Well, not in so many words, But who's closest?

Well, now, I don't know, I may not have known sam As long as some of you guys,

But we're pretty darn close.

I think I'm kind of like The brother he never had.

Woody, sammy Has a brother.

Guess we're not As close as I thought.

Look, I think we better Throw the greatest Bachelor party

For the greatest Bachelor who ever lived.

Tell you what, I'll pick up Some deli platters And champagne.

You guys can Just reimburse me At your leisure.

Why didn't you Say so in the First place?

Ok. We got the food and The drink taken care of.

Now all we need Is a little bit of Entertainment.

I think the tradition Calls for a stag film.

I think there's A place on my route That might sell them.

The hot and nasty Video boutique.

I think there might be One or two laying around.

Ok, we got food, drink, And entertainment.

Now, all we need is a girl Jumping out of the cake.

I've seen them do that In the movies All the time.

That seems like a waste Of good cake to me.

Woody, the cake is Really immaterial.

It's the girl Who's the actual dessert.

Well, then I think it Should be miss chambers.

Ee-yi ee-yi-oh.

Listen, tractor boy.

No guy Wants his fiancee

Jumping out of a cake.

It's like taking Your mother to the prom.

So I'm told.

Ok. So where can we Get sammy someone hot?

Dare we look In his book?

Nah. Sammy's had All those girls.

Sam, stop being Such a grumble bunny.

Just grit your teeth And pick out a Dust ruffle.

Guys, I still say we're missing What's right under our noses.

Trust me.

That's ok. Listen, It wouldn't hurt to ask.

No, no, no. Don't.

Excuse me, Miss chambers?

Yes, woody.

Would you like to Jump out of sam's Bachelor party cake?

Woody, I abhor such juvenile, Sexist male rituals.

Yeah, But would you do it?

Just checking. All right, guys, You're right.

We're gonna have To find some other Beautiful girl

To be sam's dessert.

Wait a minute.

I just realized why you Want me, the bride-to-be,

To jump from the cake. It's a wonderful irony.

Of course. I'll do it.

Of course. Oh, great.

Imagine me Of all people

Missing the point Of a joke.

Don't worry about it, Miss chamber. It even happens to me.

Sammy, what time You got there?

11:15.

11:15? How did It get so late So early?

I'd better Be getting Home to vera.

Oh, yeah. I'm Pretty beat myself.

I'm going to bed Early tonight.

It's been A rough week.

Yeah, You know what they say--

"Early bird catches The obsessive-compulsive."

Good night, sam.

Ohh! Boy, Look at all that...

They sure took off In a hurry, didn't they?

Yeah, but that doesn't Seem suspicious To you, does it?

No. I guess not.

Hey, I have an idea.

You go in the Back and total These receipts,

And we'll get Out of here.

Ok. All right. Say, woody, when I Come back out here,

There's not gonna be A surprise for me, Is there?

A surprise party, Maybe?

No.

You're not lying, Are you?

Sam, you'd know If I was lying.

I'd...I'd tell you.

Right. I'll be In my office.

Come on in, guys.

He didn't suspect A thing.

Come on down, fellas.

Put that banner Up there.

Shh! Shh!

Be calm.

In the words Of the immortal bard--

Party!

Uh, sam, You can go home now.

Surprise! Surprise! Surprise!

Wow.

Sam, you should see The look on your face.

[videotape plays]

Ooh.

Hey, hey!

Hey, great stuff!

Boy.

Great stuff!

That last scene Gave me a new respect For rowing machines.

Hey, you guys!

Oh! Thank you.

This has been fantastic!

I have to admit that I used to think Bachelor parties

Were kind Of embarrassing.

Hit the lights!

Oh, god. Not again.

Yay! Yay! Yay!

There's a girl In there, right?

Just your type.

So make the obligatory speech And have at her!

Get in there!

Oh, no, I can't do it.

No, I know you went To a lot of trouble.

I'm sorry, but it Just wouldn't be right.

Sammy, come on.

King of the road!

Better make hay, Buddy.

After this, It's one woman

For the rest Of your life.

I never really Thought about it In those terms before.

One woman for the rest Of my life.

I mean, Don't get me wrong.

I mean, She's a great woman,

But there's Only one of her.

For the rest Of my life.

It'll go quickly.

Just go ahead.

Boy, it really Makes you think.

I've been a bachelor A good long time.

A good lot of women.

Now there won't be Any more women.

But just woman.

One woman.

Yeah, but What a woman!

I mean, You know what? I've got an idea.

Why don't we Have some cake?

One perfume, One set of ear lobes...

Not even sensitive Ear lobes.

One pair of lips Flapping in my ear.

Day after day Until I die.

Oh, my god.

Sammy, sammy, That's great.

We got a big, Wonderful cake here, you know,

With a very special Surprise inside

Which just might spoil If you don't shut up!

All right. I'm sorry. What am I doing here?

I mean, if I'm going To tie myself

To the old Ball and chain,

I might as well Get one last night Of freedom in.

Ok. Bring her out here. Strap her on.

Strap this on!

Sam, you should see The look on your face.

Hi, guys.

Hey, carla, How was traffic school?

It was all right.

Yeah? Didn't all those Gory movies they show

Kind of turn Your stomach a bit?

Norm, You're forgetting--

I've seen diane Without make-up.

Hello, everyone.

Hello, you...

Let me help you With that.

Boy, you look Fantastic!

That is A great outfit!

Sam, you make A lousy sycophant.

Yes, but I make A great margarita.

May I speak to you In your office?

Sure. Anything you want. You betcha.

Come on, smile.

For some reason,

I don't feel Like smiling.

I ever tell you How cute you are When you're mad?

Oh, come on.

Snap out of this, Will you?

I mean, I didn't say all That stuff last night

To hurt your feelings.

My feelings aren't hurt.

I just feel bad For you.

Sentenced to a life With one perfume...

One set of Insensitive ear lobes.

One set of lips Flapping in your ear...

Till you die.

Come on, I was with A bunch of guys.

I mean, they forced me To make a speech.

How the hell Did I know

My fiancee was Hiding in the cake Taking dictation?

Did you mean it, Sam?

No.

It's just this--

This whole Marriage thing

Kind of snuck up On me, that's all.

I mean, I'm Happy that you're The only woman

I'll ever make love To again...

Ever.

Yeah. Yeah.

See, if I had known That the last one

Was going To be the last one,

I would've prepared Myself for it.

Sweetheart, It's kind of Like popcorn.

Now, you can munch away

As long as you know There's a bowlful,

But if all of a sudden It's all gone,

There's nothing's left But the salt and the duds, You feel bad

Because if you'd known The last kernel Was the last one,

You would Have savored it.

Am I making myself Clear?

Oh, yes. Yes.

I'm salt and duds.

I--I--I don't know.

I don't know What to say to make This right, except...

I'm sorry.

Would 24 hours Of wild, uninhibited,

Hedonistic, Sexual carousing

With anything In a tube top suffice?

In addition To saying I'm sorry?

Sam, you can apologize Till the cows come home,

But it won't Alleviate the problem.

After much Consideration,

I propose that you go On a flesh binge.

Sow your wild oats.

Get it out Of your system.

Savor your last Kernel of popcorn.

Are you serious?

Absolutely. It's the only way

We can establish A clean slate.

No guilt, No remorse, No regrets.

So, dive into that Little black book Of yours and enjoy.

You know I threw That dumb thing away

When we got engaged.

I'm sure you have One or two numbers

Etched In your memory.

You listen to me.

I'm only agree To do this

Because I love you, Diane.

Well, don't do it For me, sam.

Do it for the health Of our future marriage.

Uh, excuse me, uh...

When do My 24 hours begin?

Right now.

All right.

The same as mine.

Wait. Wait. Whoa.

Yours?

Of course, sam.

This is the only way We can be sure

That I have all other men Out of my system.

No. No.

Sammy back yet?

Well, "T" minus 30 minutes And counting.

I figure Right about now

Sammy's probably leaning Back in bed and smoking.

I don't remember Ever seeing sammy Smoke a cigarette.

Who said anything About cigarettes?

Oh, ho! The man! All right!

What's the score, Sammy?

Oh, norm, you know He's not the kind To kiss and tell.

Not that he wastes Much time kissing anyway, Eh, sam?

You guys know me, All right.

So has anyone, uh... Anyone heard from diane?

Nope. Not a word.

It's been heaven.

Why, you worried About her?

No. I'm not worried. What makes you think I'm worried?

What time is it anyway?

Time for you To stop worrying.

I mean, For god's sake, Sammy,

Who'd be stupid enough To touch diane?

Besides you.

Good point.

Yeah. What am I Worried about?

Oh, rick, you really Came through.

Sam! Sam! Sam!

Rick was kind enough To drive me to work

When my car broke down.

I knew that.

I, uh...

I just wanted To give him

A thank you Shake.

Thank you. Thank you.

Uh...Maybe I'll take A raincheck on that drink.

Good luck With your marriage.

Thank you.

Yes. Thank you. Thank you very much.

Thank you, rick.

Well...

I guess I'll just, uh...

Begin my shift.

Like hell, you will.

Sam. Now, sam. Sam!

All right.

Where were you Last night, hmm?

I was taking Full advantage Of my 24 hours.

I looked into The recesses Of my heart,

And I realized that I still had one oat

That needed To be sown.

One fantastic oat.

Is that all You think about--

Sex?

You know, It's disgusting!

Whatever happened To romance,

To commitment?

I mean, look at you! Look at you!

You haven't even Changed your dress!

I'm wearing This dress again

Because I like it.

It sets off my eyes.

I'll set off your eyes!

You want to know something?

I had the exact same 24 hours you did,

And I didn't do Anything.

You know why?

Because I happen to be A one-woman guy.

I mean, I think we got Something special going here,

And I didn't want To cheapen it like somebody Else I could mention.

You know... People could refer To you as a tart.

How can you say that?

Easy--tart.

Tart, tart, tart, tart!

I mean, what else Do you call somebody Who didn't go home?

How do you know that?

Because I was idiot enough To spend the entire night

Watching your apartment From my car,

And you did not Go home.

You must be exhausted.

Yeah. That's right. I'm exhausted.

You're damn right I'm exhausted.

Oh, come on, sam.

Now, you had a little Catnap around 6 a.M.

Did not.

How'd you know that?

Because I was Down the street In my car

Watching you watch me.

Oh, my god.

You spied on me.

That stinks!

What--what...

What happened to faith?

Wh-what happened...

What happened to trust?

God!

Sam!

I took a lover's Leap of faith

In granting you Sexual carte blanche

For the past 24 hours.

And just as my heart Suspected,

Instead of Gallivanting about,

You spent the whole Time spying on me.

Hmm.

I had one last night

To go out and have A great time,

And I blow it.

God, I'm a poor excuse For a stud.

I don't know About that.

We still have Five minutes left

In our...Deal.

Five minutes?

Mm-hmm.

Well, hell, somebody Should've told me that.

Damn it!

Ha ha! How long Did you say we have here?

Five minutes.

Not enough time.

Now, come on, sam.

We'd better skip To the good parts.

I have to go to work!

Ha! Woo!