Original subtitles

I'll tell you, woody, The psychiatric profession Can get rough sometimes.

If anyone tells me One more problem, I'll explode.

I know Just how you feel.

I suppose you do.

Our professions Are alike.

We have to listen While people

Unload their grief And suffering.

I can't bear it.

I know Just how you feel.

If only I had Your ability to listen...

Sympathize while going on Calmly and happily.

How do you do it?

I know Just how you feel.

() You're not listening To me, are you?

I know Just how you feel.

( One double s)a)a ))

I know Just howcoming right up.

Makin' your way In the world today

Takes everything You've got

Takin' a break From all your worries

())#o#o + a #o#o

()))#o#o 3+ g 3#o#o))))))))#o

Where everybody Knows your name

♪o

You wanna be

(People are) All the same

You wanna go

()) Here it is, troops.

I called you in To tell you

I've got a chance To go fishing

With some old Baseball buddies.

Ahh... A fishing trip.

Another desperately futile Attempt to forget me.

No, just another Desperately Futile attempt

To catch Some fish.

Problem is I want to Leave now.

Who wants To be saddled

With Taking charge Of the place?

Wait A minute here.

Ok, sit down.

I'll make 1 I'll tell you, woody, The psychiatric profession

If anyone tells me One more problem, I'll explode.

I know Just how you feel.

I suppose you do.

Our professions Are alike.

We have to listen While people

Unload their grief And suffering.

I can't bear it.

I know Just how you feel.

If only I had Your ability to listen...

Sympathize while going on Calmly and happily.

How do you do it?

I know Just how you feel.

() You're not listening To me, are you?

I know Just how you feel.

( One double s)a)a ))

I know Just howcoming right up.

Makin' your way In the world today

Takes everything You've got

Takin' a break From all your worries

())#o#o + a #o#o

()))#o#o 3+ g 3#o#o))))))))#o

Where everybody Knows your name

♪o

You wanna be

(People are) All the same

You wanna go

()) Here it is, troops.

I called you in To tell you

I've got a chance To go fishing

With some old Baseball buddies.

Ahh... A fishing trip.

Another desperately futile Attempt to forget me.

No, just another Desperately Futile attempt

To catch Some fish.

Problem is I want to Leave now.

Who wants To be saddled

With Taking charge Of the place?

Wait A minute here.

Ok, sit down.

I'll make An executive Decision.

Hold out Your fists.

One potato, Two potato,

Three potato, Four...

Sam, sam, sam, This isn't fair.

No?

When you do that With three people,

You end up With the same person

With whom You started.

Oh, yeah. All right, uh...

Ok, I've got Something else.

My dog died.

What color Is his blood?

What kind of disgusting Game is that?

It's something Kids play.

Now, Pick a color.

What for?

Your Dog's blood.

It's horrible. You played This as a child?

No wonder You're so disturbed.

Pick a color. I'll spell it

And knock Somebody out.

Ok, mauve.

All right, uh...

Here we go. We'll use A bat here.

Good idea.

Ok. I'm in charge!

Sam.

Actually, I had This in mind.

Woody, you know How to do this.

There you go.

Ohhh! He grabbed The knobby thing At the top!

That's not part Of the bat!

It is so Part of the bat.

Can he grab it?

Sure. Then we try To kick it

From his fingers To win.

Who gets To kick first?

One potato, Two potato...

Oh! Make A decision

Like a rational, Adult human being.

All right.

Ok. Woody's my man.

Oh, come on!

Why woody?

Because he hasn't

Irritated the hell Out of me.

Now, get out.

Let me go over

The management rules With him.

I think you're Really going to

Enjoy This weekend, boss.

Ok. First rule... Always keep this With you at all times.

( 3 $ ' )a)a ndiana.

[() It's frommy girlfrien]))

( 3 $ ' )a)a ndianso how's The midwest?

Gather round. We'll find out.

Tob.

Beth w'the 'eatest letters.

I can't wait for you To hear this.

"Dear woody, this Is the hardest letter

"I've ever written.

"I care about you Very much,

"But we can't Stay together.

[ (@ ])))) "We'll drop by.

"I have to explain In person.

"I hope you understand And can forgive me.

"See you saturday.

[ ( )))-, ))))) We, is isn I'm so sorry, woody. ]))))

[ ( I can' ] )))) ) 3)m)m' ]))

( )))-, ))))) We, she could be here I'm so sorryany minute.)))

I'm feeling Kind of

( I guess it would be Easier if I left. Ne no )

Wait a sec, wood.

Maybe this is Really a blessing In disguise.

Sometimes in order To achieve maturity,

It's necessary To disengage From relationships

That keep growth Rooted in prolonged Periods of stasis.

I know just how you feel.

Le women.

Get on out there.

( )a)a )

Since sammy's not here, Take it from us.

Cliff: he's right, Woody.

The way to forget beth Is to find some skirt,

Have her, use her, And throw her away.

() Maybe you guys Are right.

( )-ybe the st way To get o )))

( ) )m)m' u guys Are right.

To the first Available woman.

[ (Woody, don't Listen to th ])))

( O ))+s your )a)a ebauchery. To the first Available woman.

It's important To experience it.

People grow From intense suffering.

Then how come I haven't Grown an inch

Since I've known you?

Oh, boy, normie, Look at this.

Another psychic's Head exploded.

Makes you wonder Why anyone

Goes into that line Of work, doesn't it?

Excuse me.

I've been experiencing Grief all afternoon.

Instead of killing myself, How about dinner with me?

Sounds great, But no, thank you.

Did I say It was my treat?

Woody, you've hit on Nearly every woman here.

Why are you So persistent?

To show beth I've Got someone, too.

I can't stand Her look of pity.

I'm sure She's too wrapped up In her own happiness

To have time To pity you.

Well, that is A comfort.

Hi, woody.

Oh, hi, beth. Hi, leonard.

Get my letter?

Yeah, I got it.

Are you mad?

Oh... No.

I never wanted To hurt you.

I'm fine, Really.

Would you Like something To drink?

Wine.

A brewskie.

Brewskie.

Woody, we didn't mean For this to happen.

It was fate.

I was looking at tubing In fryer's hardware,

Beth was buying A lawn sprinkler, And, well...

I never stood A chance.

Look what we've Done to him.

I know. It's worse Than I thought.

Please, guys, don't...

How can we happily Walk down the aisle

Knowing we've Hurt him like this?

I won't be in the mood For any cake.

Beth, leonard, just...

I picture you alone, Night after night.

It makes me Want to cry.

Hi, beth. Nice to meet You, leonard.

Shouldn't you Tell beth about You-know-who?

Who?

That lovely Young lady

You've Been seeing So much of.

Is this true?

Yes.

I'm glad you Found someone.

What's she like?

Well, she's about 4, 5... 5'4 " or 5".

She's kind of hard To describe.

Cornflower-blue Eyes,

Titian hair, Raphaelesque figure.

And she smells good.

I feel better knowing You won't be alone.

Well, come on, leonard. We'd better be going.

It's nice Seeing you, woody.

Bye, beth.

Good luck.

Yeah. Good luck, beth.

It's too bad You're leaving

Without meeting Woody's girlfriend.

We could have Had dinner tonight.

Actually, Our plane doesn't Leave till midnight.

We ca all have Have dinner together.

Oh, great.

8:00 ok?

Yeah. Fine.

Way to go. What do I do now?

I'm sorry. Have A strict rule

())) Out meddling In people's affairs.

()))

Nothing worse Has ever happened To anybody.

I don't know, About that, woody.

Ever have Your head explode?

.

Now, let's see...

I'm sure we can Think of something.

It better be good.

I need a date, quick.

Too bad sammy's Not here to help you.

Sammy 3no e,

() Wo 3ut that But his inventordown on the bar

Very carefully And walk away.

That's too hot For you to handle.

Here's the number Of one of my tootsies.

I think He'd prefer something That lives above ground.

Do you really Think it's proper

To rifle through A man's personal papers?

No matter how Close a friend...

You're in here.

Give me that.

"Probably the most Incredible woman

"I ever met.

3+ane?" well...

() Hey, here's one.

Three stars. Tina wilson.

"Fun, sexy, easy."

() Well, she sounds Interesting.

How will you Treat sweet tina?

[()))- $+])))

You won't getow will you An answer there. T sweet tina?

Why not?

I'm "Sweet tina" wilson.

What would be A good time to call you?

Ahh,

It's not working. I'm bad at this.

Don't give up So eoh, here's one.

(Look. She's got A whole page To herself.)

Desiree harrison.

Look at All those stars!

Any more stars,

You'd pledge Allegiance To her.

Hey, "The best, The best, the best."

Get on the horn There, woods.

() Woody, something tells me You shouldn't do this.

Please reconsider.

That's easy for you To say.

Do something extraordinary For once... butt out!

What do I say?

You're a friend Of sam malone.

Good.

() @uhdesiree?

I'm a friend Of sam malone.

She want to know Why I called.

Say sammy said She was the best...

And you want To find out For yourself.

Sam says you're the best, And I want to find out For myself.

Hold on. She wants To know my name.

Wing it.

It's woody boyd.

Yeah, how about 7:00 tonight?

Yeah?

I'll see you Here in the bar.

Great.

All right, woody!

Well, since it's Gomer's night out...

That leaves me In charge of the bar.

Oh, not necessarily.

Woody, who Do you assign

To take command Of the bar?

How can I choose Between you?

Yes, we're both Your friends.

It's not that.

You ruined "One Potato, two potato."

Ok, let's let The bar decide.

That seems the fair And democratic thing.

[ringing bell]

We should each Make a speech,

Presenting our Best arguments For being in charge,

And we'll leave it Up to you.

Carla, the floor Is yours,

And not for The first time, I might add.

If I'm elected,

No way will diane Make a speech.

[whistling]

( Hubba-hubba!))))a)a3 ))

()))

()

One of sam's women may Be too much for one man.

Is there somebody here Named woody?

Yeah.

I'm desiree.

Uh... Just A minute, please.

Did she look different On the phone?

The master Recommends her Highly.

All right, Here goes nothing.

(So, you're desiree.)

Yeah.

Hi. I'm woody.

Can I get Your coat?

What's she Doing here?

That's woody's date.

Woody's going out

With sam's Cleaning lady?

Cleaning lady?

Sam says She's the best.

How are you?

Fine. Shall we Get started?

Right here?

()a)a))

No. I'll stop to eat When I get tired.

Wow.

If you don't have Your own equipment,

Mine is outside.

What sort of equipment?

Well, first, a bucket.

Really?

Yeah, and some Rubber gloves

And a long-handled Brush.

You've got To be kidding me.

I need Something for those Hard-to-reach places.

Would you excuse me For a moment?

Guys, there's Things about sam That we don't know.

Woody, she's Sas maid.

Carla told us.

Those stars mean She's the best Housekeeper around.

Oh, boy, Do I feel stupid.

What am I Going to do?

() Maybe tell her The truth.

Yeah. Yeah, ok.

() Uh...

Listen, ma'am,

(There's been A tehi, woody.Take.))))

So that's Titian hair.

Hi. I'm beth.

I'm desiree.

He's my fiance Leonard.

Good.

Yeah, uh... They're going To be joining us

For dinner tonight.

Dinner?

You're taking me To dinner?

What do you say?

Well, beats Scrubbing grout With a toothbrush.

You folks and your Big city expressions!

I thought we'd eat At melville's.

Ok.

I was expecting Someone younger.

Me, too.

That was fun.

Listen, have A nice marriage.

(We still have time To go dancing Before our plane leas.)))

Listen, have you're taking me A nice marriage. Dancing?

It sure beats Scrubbing grout With a toothbrush.

Hey, I could Live here.

I'll freshen up.

Oh, dancing.

Hope my knees Hold out.

Is it any wonder I love her?

I like her, Woody.

Sit down. I'll get you Something to drink.

Woody...

I know I got you Into this,

But it's time To stop.

Beth doesn't deserve To be lied to.

Would your mother Approve of what You're doing?

Let beth know How you feel.

It would Do you both good.

You're right, Miss chambers.

I guess I owe beth That much.

Oh, you won't tell My mother, will you?

Mum's the word.

You won't tell My mum, will you?

( Go drink your beer. 3 ))))

Yes, dear.

[ ()))m)m+ ]

Desiree's not My girlfriend.

Well, I had A feeling.

What gave it away?

She forgot your name During dinner.

I didn't want you Thinking I was alone.

I'm sorry.

But you know We couldn't last.

We've grown apart.

We're too different now.

[( )))))3+o )a)a-' 2!])))))) )a)a )

(Leonard's more A part of my world.Ody.))

I could move back To indiana.

()) Do you want to?)) no.

And I could never Live in boston.

So... How does that Leave us?

Real sad?

Yeah.

Well, I hope You get happy.

(I want to Give you something.)

() lto ok.)m)minks are.

[chuckling] No...

I meant this.

Good-bye, woody.

That, leonard, is how The tractor was born.

Leonard, we have A plane to catch.

Ok. Well, good-bye.

If you're ever In indiana,

You know What to do.

Yeah. Run screamin the.

See you, woody.

Bye. Take care Of her.

I will.

You better.

Are you ok, woody?

I feel pretty bad.

[ ()) ts o ])))) Now I can go back To being woody boyd.

What about Mrs. Clean In the back?

She happens to be A very nice lady.

We had a good time.

She talked about Some interesting things...

Movies, sports...

Getting cat hair Out of the drapes...

() Good-bye, woody.

No, please, don't go.

I'm not stupid.

Don't pay any Attention to them.

() Look, I'm not sure What happened.

I feel you got Trapped into this.

So I'll let you Off the hook.

Look, earlier, I thought you Were somebody else,

But I had fun Tonight. I like you.

What I'm trying To say is...

I need somebody To talk to.

What did you Have in mind?

I don't know.

(I thought maybe...)) Sure. Why not?

()a)a '

Into one of those May-december romances?

With the holidays Approaching,

December's no good, But may's ok.

Captioning made possible by Paramount pictures Television group

And h.J. Heinz company Foundation

Captioned by the national Captioning institute www.Ncicap.Org...