Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

Boy, did I have a crazy dream Last night.

What was it? I was at this party With a bunch of strangers.

Food was great, Music was loud.

All of a sudden, everybody In the place stopped and Was looking at me.

And I realized I wasn't wearing Any pants.

I've had that dream A million times.

Yeah, me, too. And boy, Is it ever embarrassing, huh?

Why's that?

Uh...Uh...Norm?

Never Embarrassed me.

Tell you the one I hate--you're back In college, right?

You haven't been To class the Entire semester.

The teacher's About to give The final exam.

Oh, yeah, that one's The worst.

What are you talking about, Carla, you never Went to college.

It's a dream, stupid.

How about the one Where you go

To this Fancy restaurant

And before the let you in, They make you leave Your legs at the door?

The girl gives you Claim check number six.

So you go in. But instead of food,

Everyone's eating Their silverware.

Only you can't really Enjoy your fork Because you're worried

That whoever got Claim check number nine

Might finish first And pick up your legs By mistake.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would Help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are All the same *

* you wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

Two vodka martinis, One wallbanger.

Wallbanger.

Sam, I need to ask A big favor.

All right, as long as It doesn't interfere With your job.

Ok, then, I need to ask A huge favor.

Would it be possible Two weeks from This coming wednesday

For me to leave work early, About 10 minutes?

Sure, why not?

Oh, thank you, sam.

Thank you very much.

Thank you for Not prying further Into the matter.

Especially since, well, I've no valid excuse

For my early departure.

Sam, I must be frank.

Sounds good. I'll be bob.

I mean It's not as if I have A dental appointment

Or I have to meet someone At the airport.

Ok, diane, Why do you have to Leave early

2 weeks from This wednesday?

Well, If you must know...

I have a date.

Oh, yeah, I've heard Of those.

Have fun.

Ahh. Sweet, Transparent bravado.

Could there be A soul dearer

Than the little Boy lost,

Trembling on The edge of despair,

Yet struggling Manfully

To maintain His stiff upper lip?

Thank you for noticing.

Wait, sam. Wait, One more thing.

What?

After our 5-star dinner And season premier Of the ballet date,

Chad--dr. Stark--

May desire a kiss.

Would you mind, Should he ask,

If I let his lips Touch mine?

Touch your what?

Mr. Peterson, I forgot,

Some guy dropped by earlier And asked me to Give this to you.

Thank you, woody.

And thank you, god.

What's that, normie?

A research grant From the national Beer foundation?

This would be A measly little pair Of sky view seats

For the sox-yankee Double-header.

You're kidding me?

I pulled every string I had And I could only score Standing room.

Come on, How'd you get that?

Sam, it's not Who you know, It's who I know.

A client friend of mine, Jerry donahue, sent Those babies over

To thank me for being For being

Such a fantastic Financial counselor.

No, seriously, How'd you get them?

I saved the guy a bundle On his taxes last year.

He asked me To invest his windfall.

In the face of 6 short months, I kind Of doubled his money.

I got lucky in a little Convenience mart Up in worcester.

What did you do, Hold it up?

You guys are hilarious,

But jerry's laughing All the way to the bank, All right?

I diversified the guy.

We went into mutuals

And a very pretty little Biotech company that Just went public.

Boy, it sounds like You got the midas Touch there.

You should hear Some of the Other

Great ideas We have cooked up.

Yeah? Like what?

No, sorry, guys. My lips are Sealed.

Buy you a beer.

It's called Tan 'n' wash,

Now, tan 'n' wash, Guys,

The ultimate Marriage of luxury And convenience.

Combination Tanning salon

And coin-operated Laundry.

Get real.

Come on, The timing's right On this.

Summer tans Are fading.

Winter's coming.

It's always dirty Clothes season.

It's gonna be The hottest place In town.

I'm glad you're already Thinking about arson.

Don't listen to them, Norman.

Never be deterred By the mindless jibes Of the ignorant masses.

Those ignorant Masses are gonna be Our customers.

I'll be there With bells on.

Everyone will be there, Buddy,

Fluffing, folding, Relaxing happily

Beneath The healthful rays

Of a federally-approved Uva bronzing unit.

Normie, I got to say, It's the silliest,

Most harebrained scheme I've ever heard of.

Well, I got to go.

Normie, walk me out.

I'm not leaving Yet, cliff.

Neither am I.

Come on. I want in.

In what?

Don't be naive. Put me up for five shares.

No, no.

Investments Are risky, cliff.

I never do business With friends, all right?

Besides, it's 200 bucks a share.

Put me down for five, too, Will you?

Great. Now the cat's Out of the bag.

I think you're all crazy.

But if clavin makes big bucks And I don't,

I'll won't be able to Live with the shame.

Give me a share.

Me, too. Me, too!

You, diane, laying bets On a laundry?

Well, in my case, It's not a gamble,

But rather a show Of faith

In our great free Enterprise system.

Yes, even diane chambers Isn't immune

To the renaissance Of american Patriotism

In the 1980s.

Although I hasten To remind you

This doesn't imply Any shifting of My support

Toward the current Administration.

I hope nobody's looking For a silent partner.

Diane, you shouldn't Be investing

In a tanning salon.

You ought to be using one.

You got skin the color Of elmer's glue.

I happen to have

What restoration poets Referred to as Alabaster skin.

Well, at least your Hair looks nice.

Besides, With my rendezvous With chad coming up,

I can't Risk freckling.

Why not? If it got boring, You could always play Connect-the-dots.

God, How this must Torment you.

Come on, norm, Are you gonna Let us in or not?

Let's change The subject, All right?

Hey, he's trying To sidetrack us.

This thing must be A gold mine.

Hey, normie. Correct me if I'm wrong,

But yesterday You had a letter

You needed mailed. I did it.

You could at least Return the favor.

Cliffie, That's your job.

Well, all right, Then as one professional To another,

Come on, norm!

I know what's Gonna happen!

Something's Gonna go wrong,

You're all gonna Blame me.

No way!

All right. Well, what the heck.

Hey, wood, You want in?

I don't think so.

You know, When I left home,

My father gave me Some very sound advice.

Never trust a man

Who can't look you In the eye,

Never talk When you can listen,

And never spend Venture capital

On a limited partnership

Without a detailed analytical Fiduciary prospectus.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Hey, norm, How's the world Been treating you?

Like a baby Treats a diaper.

So...

What's the deal With the tan 'n' wash?

For a new business, I'd say

Tan 'n' wash Is doing as well as Could be expected.

Oh, yeah? I dropped By this morning.

The only customer In the place

Was a lonely woman Kicking the hell out of A jammed change machine.

Oh, come on.

By the way, You owe me a quarter And a new pair of shoes.

Patience, carla. All right? Patience.

There are gray skies On the horizon.

Yeah, it's gonna get Cold and damp And miserable.

We'll be wading In customers.

I think we're wading In something right now.

I've worked out A great new Promotional campaign.

Promotional Campaign?

[wolf whistles]

Hey, hey!

Check out mr. Tan There!

Say, sammy, did you Just fly to the tropics

And spend a week And thousands of Dollars

Under the blazing Unhealthy sun?

No, norm. No, I just Spent my lunch hour

Under some healthful Federally-approved uva rays At the tan 'n' wash.

Say, those clothes are Really looking clean there.

Well, Thank you, norm.

Now, is it true That with these coupons

Anyone can get 25% off On their first 5 visits?

Well, That's what I hear. Great!

Well!

I tell you...

Is that cliff clavin Or is that don ho?

Where you been, Buddy?

Some faraway Island resort?

Easy mistake there. But no, I got this tan Right here in beantown.

Is that at the new Tan 'n' wash

I been hearing So dang much about?

That's right, normie. And by the way,

Did you realize that the tan First gained popularity

In what is now known As the bronze age?

Great. Well, I'm sold.

By the way, Look how white I used to be.

You wore your socks In the tanning booth?

I got to be careful, Sammy.

The clavin men have feet Like a baby's bottom.

With faces to match.

Back off, carla. I don't see you

Pitching in For the cause here.

Yeah? Well, All I know

Is I wouldn't Stick a fork In a toaster,

Never mind My valuables.

Come on, guys.

What do you say we Snap up these flyers?

They can't Last forever.

I wouldn't be So sure, norm.

You know, peterson, You got the guts Of a burglar.

In here peddling A tanning salon

On the sunniest day Of the year.

Outside of someone with A financial interest In the place,

Who'd be stupid enough To spend a minute in Your rip-off joint?

You try to help out a few Newly enterprising friends,

And what do you get For your trouble?

45 minutes in hell.

Keep it down, Will you?

Keep it down?

I've got the worst Sunburn of my life

Thanks to a faulty Thermo-regulator

On tanning machine Number three,

"The bahama mama."

Frasier...

You're supposed To start off slowly, All right?

But I must say you do have One heck of a fantastic base Coat there, frasier.

Yeah, and your shirt Sure smells fresher.

Really?

It's not too lemony?

Not for you.

* la da da da dum *

* la da dee dum *

* la de da dum *

* la da dee da da *

Sorry.

* la da da *

Well, it's just that It's such a lovely Sunny day out...

As your tanned Faces will attest.

I guess I'm feeling Especially girlish.

How come, Miss chambers?

Don't, don't.

You know, woody,

The usual thing That puts a bounce In a girl's step.

Ah...

Support hose.

You're adorable.

No. I'm referring To a very special Evening.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Didn't you have A date or something Last night?

You know Perfectly well I saw chad,

But it was No big deal.

* la la la la *

* la da Dee da dum **

Yeah. Yeah.

I refuse to ask her About last night.

You ask her, woody.

Gotcha.

Well, looky here.

The paper predicts

The same high for boston As honolulu.

That's honolulu, hawaii,

The state where You can get a free tan All year round.

Carla, if you're Trying to say Something,

Why don't you Just spit it Out, all right?

Tan 'n' wash Bites it!

Ok. I'll admit,

Indian summer's Killing us Temporarily.

But this is boston. It's gonna get cold.

* da da da da da *

Hey, sam. I found out

All about Miss chambers' date.

It was a beautiful Night of magic.

Just spill it, Will you, woody?

Well, the ballet Was exquisite,

But it paled By comparison

To the enchanting Coach ride Under the stars.

Chad held her Porcelain-like Hand lightly,

Tracing Tiny circles on Her alamander...

Alabaster.

Alabaster skin.

And then...

Fearing That the spell Might be broken,

She invited him Up to her Pied-a-terre

For some quiet Conversation

And warm brandy, And then...

What?

Miss chambers said

If you want To hear the rest,

You got to Ask her yourself.

Forget it. Forget it, man.

Ask her, sam.

Sounds like You won't be Disappointed.

Forget it!

Frasier, a sunburn?

No, I'm doing My impression Of a blood blister.

Hey, frasier,

You know, There's something

I've always been Meaning to ask you.

What was Your reaction

The first Time you saw Diane naked?

Aah!

Normie, I can't Hold out any longer. Ma's getting antsy.

The last time She spent $1,000,

It was on a house.

Cliff, I'm sorry, I really am,

But you guys begged me To let you in.

It's not like I didn't warn you.

Oh, sure!

"Don't do this!

I pray to god You don't Do this!"

You call that A warning?

Hey, I predicted this.

You guys are nervous nellies

And you're trying to Blame it all on me.

I want out, norm.

Me, too.

Who wants a tan In the winter anyway?

Wait. This is not The smart move.

You got to hang in there.

You got to roll with The punches, all right?

You're gonna Roll with the Punches

If you don't Get us out of this.

I just Don't think

We were cut out For it.

Apparently not, All right.

Jeez. Have it your way, Guys, ok?

All right, Tell you what, ok?

I'll personally Buy out your shares, All right?

I'll have your checks In the mail within a week.

Stupid mistake.

Stupid. Stupid.

Woo! Boy! Still snowing out there.

Yeah, and every flake Means another buck

In norm's pocket.

You guys still moaning Because norm hit the jackpot And you didn't?

Hey, come on, paul, Give us some credit For being adults.

Hey, what do you say We toilet paper His house?

Nah. It would Only make it Look better.

Sam, excuse me, May I have your ear For a moment?

Sure, just Don't leave Any bite marks.

Sam, I've decided

To break off My relationship With chad.

Who?

What an actor you are.

If you hadn't Chosen bartending,

You could well have had A career in the theater.

Or as a model.

Anyway...

You needn't continue

This charade Of nonchalance.

I'm ending My affaire de coeur

Because I can sense How it's secretly Gnawing away at you.

Ok. All right.

I'm glad.

All I've been able To think about Is you and chad

In your apartment,

In his car, On the stairs,

Doing things Even we never did.

I can't eat. I can't sleep.

Oh, sam. Really?

Gee, maybe I could've Been an actor. Oh!

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

Norman.

How do you feeling Today, norm?

Rich and thirsty. Pour me a beer.

Yes, sir, Mr. Peterson.

Boy, you sure have gotten Successful, huh?

Well, woody, You know what They say about success.

It's 1% inspiration And 99% perspiration.

So's your shirt!

Yeah. You know what else They say about success, Mr. Rockeflounder...

It's lonely At the top.

Yeah, but the food's Better, cliff.

You don't have To rub our noses In it, man.

I mean, we're Your friends After all.

Friends? You call Yourselves friends?

The last 4 or 5 times I've walked in here,

You treat me as if I've done something wrong,

You know, Not one of you guys

Has bothered to Congratulate me For my success,

Which I might add You all had a chance To share in.

Maybe I should just take My refreshment business Elsewhere.

To think of All the hours I wasted in here

When I could've been Wasting them somewhere else.

Norman, norman,

Please don't leave.

We're taking it Out on you,

But we're really Mad at ourselves.

The hostility you're Feeling is for our Own stupidity

Of bailing out Of this project.

Right, everyone?

You guys are beautiful.

Well, come on, Wait a second.

Come on back here.

We've been acting Like creeps, normie.

Carla: I'll fluff up Your favorite stool.

I'll open a fresh bag Of pretzels.

I'll pour you A beer just the way You like it--

Within reach.

What we're trying To say here is...

We're sorry.

You had the guts To stick it out,

And we didn't.

You deserve All the success.

Thank you, sam. I'm really glad To hear that

Because I have A little surprise With you guys.

I never took you out Of tan 'n' wash.

Here are your first Dividend checks, Right?

Oh, norman!

Serious?

* for he's A jolly good fellow *

* for he's A jolly good fellow *

* for he's A jolly good... *

[rings]

Cheers. It's for you.

Put them on hold.

* which nobody can deny **

Hey, all right!

Look, it's snowing Even harder out now.

Oh, it's a harbinger Of good fortune!

You said it, bum butt!

Snow today Means dough tomorrow!

Let's carry Mr. Peterson around the Bar on our shoulders,

And then go play In the snow.

Let's go play In the snow!

Hold it! Hold it!

Last one out's A clavin!

You're not gonna Get me this time!

Oh, I'm always The clavin!

Ah, woody!

Woody, woody, Look at them, huh?

Isn't that great. They're singing and dancing.

It gives me a great feeling All over

To do something good For those people.

Speaking of people, You got one on hold Here.

Hello.

Yeah. Hi.

Oh, no.

No, get out. No!

What are you...

No, man, no!

Well, at least we...

No?

We...No!

Wait, wait, wait!

Bad news, Mr. Peterson?

Wrong number, woody.

Aren't those Annoying?

Uh...

Guys, friends...

Listen, people, Excuse me!

Listen, I know Things have been Going just beautifully,

But...Hey, would you Stop jumping up and down For a second?

Thank you.

Now, let's just take A hypothetical situation.

Just for fun,

Let's just say that The roof collapsed Over at tan 'n' wash

From the weight Of all this snow,

And by some little Quirk, we didn't Have any insurance.

How would you guys Feel about that, huh?

Just checking.