Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

Hey! Mr. Clavin's back.

Hey, woody.

How was your trip To expo?

A once-in-a-lifetime Experience, I tell you.

No ears have heard, No eyes have seen

The wonders I've experienced These past 2 weeks in canada.

If I died right now, I'd be a happy person.

You wouldn't be The only one.

Hey, normie, you should've Seen this 3-d movie they had

About life in vancouver.

With those glasses on,

You felt like You were there.

You were there, Cliff.

I've been reading up On expo.

Did you catch that bullet Train they got there?

No. I guess I missed that one.

Did you see the great Hall of ramses?

No, no. I guess That slid right by me.

How about the u.S. Space exhibit?

Hmm...No.

Chinese acrobats?

Uh-uh.

Hey, cliff! How was expo?

A major Disappointment, sam.

* making your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* taking a break From all your worries *

* sure would help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away? *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be where Everybody knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are all the same *

* you wanna go where Everybody knows your name *

Sam, I need A dewar's rocks And a grand marnier.

Coming up.

Did you have a chance To look at the catalog I left for you?

What catalog?

This catalog. The silverware patterns--

To go with our china And fine crystal.

Sam, we have to make A decision if we're Going to be registered.

Some people in The bar are starting To ask about gifts.

Who? What people? Where?

Aw, norm!

I just asked If you had to give One, all right?

Anyway, sam...

Should we have A big wedding?

No. I think We should have A military one.

All 21 guns aimed At the bride.

Hey, fitz! Still irish?

As paddy's pig.

All right!

Make it the usual, sam.

Ok. Drinks For everybody.

[cheering]

So who's the geezer?

That's mr. Fitzgerald.

He's come in every day For the past 2 weeks

And bought drinks For everybody.

He's a heck of a guy.

You know, I think In many ways,

Mr. Fitzgerald and I Are alike.

We both come here Seeking warmth And camaraderie,

Safe haven from The outside world...

A place where You can always Feel welcome.

Excuse me. You're on My stool.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't realize.

Eh, look at him, huh?

Mr. Big shot over there.

What does he think he is,

A bon vivant Or something?

He's about the Richest guy you'll Ever meet, cliff.

Why don't we join him?

Carla: hey, fitzie,

Thanks for that $20 tip last night,

But I don't want you getting The wrong idea about me.

Carla, I know That your favors Are not for sale.

See? That's what I mean About the wrong idea.

Eh...Howdy.

Cliff clavin.

Duncan fitzgerald. Nice to meet you.

So, you live In the neighborhood?

I just moved here.

I was originally From michigan.

The wolverine state, huh?

Heh heh heh. Interesting, interesting.

So, I hear you're Stinking rich.

Real smooth, cliff. Very smooth.

Fitz is actually kind of a Minor celebrity, I guess.

He invented a little Something we call The refill, right?

No, no, no. It wasn't The refill. It was...

The metal vapor Input valve.

It's used On most commercial

And military Jet engines.

Oh, yeah. I never Step on a plane

Without looking Right out on that wing

And see if there's One out there.

Actually, it's located In the tail.

Well, yeah. Yeah.

'cause if you saw it On the wing,

You'd know you're in A lot of trouble.

As long as we're Talking business here,

Who does your books, sir?

Mccann & williams.

Mccann & williams. Can I Talk to you about that

Over a game of darts?

Sure.

I think I could Do better than Those guys.

What do you like Best about them?

I must say, I like Their aggressiveness.

I think I can be Just as aggressive.

I doubt that.

Yeah. You're Probably right.

He's a great guy.

Yeah. It's too bad That we seem to be His only family.

No wife? He's a Widower.

I'm telling you, with all The millions he's got,

If I was an old bat, I'd snatch him up In a minute.

Ma.

What's that, Cliff?

Huh? Oh, uh...

You know, my ma's been Dying to come down here

For years to meet All the guys at the bar.

Hey, tonight's as good A night as any, huh?

I wish I'd Thought of that.

I'd try to Get my mother Down here first,

But it takes A forklift to get Her off the couch.

Hey, clavin!

Fitz really Wants to leave.

She's coming down. Just hang on a minute.

Hold him there.

Hi there.

Ma. What took you so Long to get down here?

I wanted To look my best For your friends.

And this is Two hours' worth?

Ma...

This is cheers.

Yeah. This is The odor I'm always

Washing out Of your shirts.

Come on in, ma. I want to Introduce you

To the finest, Greatest Bunch of pals

A guy could Have anywhere On the earth.

I'm telling you.

Everybody, This is ma.

Ma, this Is everybody.

Ma, you just stand right There for a few seconds.

I'll be right back.

I guess mr. Clavin Has told you a lot About us, huh?

No. Actually, Clifford doesn't

Talk much Around the house.

That cliff?

That's right.

Some days, Not a peep.

Of course, the Same thing occurs In nature, too.

It's a little Known fact that Arctic wolves

That remained In the den too long

Exhibited a tendency To be reticent In their howling.

Ah.

When I read that--

Hey, ma, you're Boring the pants off These people here.

Well, look who's here. Ma, I'd like you to meet

A dear, dear old, very Close friend of mine.

Mr. Fitzgerald, this is My ma, esther clavin.

Nice To meet you.

Duncan here is Originally from Michigan, ma.

Oh. Have a seat.

Yeah. My ma's been To your home state.

Oh, really?

No. I've been to Maine and montana, But not michigan.

Ha ha! Isn't that Fascinating, huh?

Perhaps, if you Live in a cave.

Ha ha ha! Isn't she A firecracker?

Uh... Say, mrs. Clavin,

Did you know That fitz over there

Invented A technical gismo On jet airplanes?

Oh, really?

What a coincidence, huh, ma?

You've ridden in jet planes Before, haven't you?

No. I walked To montana.

Normie, I'm sinking fast.

All right, all right.

I got it.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

But didn't you two Share a war together?

Hey! Yeah!

Uh...That's, That's right.

Ma, where were You during The big one?

Clifford, you know I was in new york.

Iworked at the uso On 42nd street.

I was in charge Of table games.

Universal Checker Championships,

Tuesdays And thursdays At 9 p.M.

Oh, my goodness!

Ladies red, Gentlemen black.

Your host...

Bobby holloway! Bobby holloway!

Ha ha ha! That's right.

Bobby holloway.

Bobby holloway...

Oh, bobby holloway.

Isn't this beautiful, huh?

Why don't you two Finish up your reminiscing

Over some nice Baked sea bass?

It's a special up there At melville's.

Well, I could Use a bite.

Well, I guess I'm feeling kind Of peckish, too.

Great. Listen, It's my treat.

I absolutely, Positively insist.

Dinner is on me.

Oh, I can take Care of it, cliff.

You got it.

Oh, what lovely Buttons.

Did you know

That buttons on a man's Jacket sleeve

Have absolutely No purpose?

They originated On the uniforms Of napoleon's army

When he discovered That his soldiers were Using their sleeves

To wipe their noses.

Ohh! She's gonna Flap her gums

All the way To the poorhouse.

Hey, cliff.

Hey, sammy, have you Heard the latest

In the ma-fitz romance?

No, no. What's going on?

They're celebrating Their first week together

With a picnic On the charles.

Charles. That's Make-out capital Of the world.

If he does As well as I do, There's gonna be

A lot of panting and Rolling around...

Shopping.

There's a mall right Next to the charles.

Oh, speaking Of the devil...

Hey, ma, fitz, I thought you two were

On the way To the charles.

Well, we are.

Are you busy?

What's up, ma?

Sit down, son.

Clifford, now, I know How much your father Meant to you,

And I know it's going To take a while for you To adjust to this--

To having a new father.

Daddy!

My god!

Clifford, ihaven't even Kissed him on the lips!

Hey, everybody! Wedding bells at The clavin compound!

[cheering]

When's the Happy day, folks?

Tomorrow.

Cliff: Sammy, champagne.

Duncan, I'm gonna Throw you

The biggest Bachelor bash

Beantown has ever seen!

Normie, call All my friends.

I think he Moved, cliff.

Well, then call all yours.

Woody, I'm gonna make you Entertainment chairman.

Hot dog!

Get on the horn. Call the parker house,

And order me up Their fanciest room.

You got it.

Wow! My first Bachelor party.

No dates, right?

No.

Hey, uh,

Congratulations There, fitzie.

Thank you.

If things Don't work out With esther,

Here is my Mother's number.

Let it ring 10 Or 15 minutes.

She'll get There.

Oh...You two.

I'm so happy for you.

You know, cliff,

Your mother is The first person Who's ever

Really loved me For me instead of My checkbook.

Oh, ma...

That's why I'm donating

The bulk Of my fortune To charity.

Giving... Money...Away?

Actually, it was Your mother's idea.

Ma's?

I didn't want duncan

To have any doubts About my feelings.

How are you two Gonna live?

I'm not going to Give it all away.

I'll keep enough for the two Of us to be comfortable.

We're simple people. We don't need much to live.

And you're Self-sufficient,

Not to mention that Postal pension you're Always bragging about.

Mr. Clavin, it's The parker house.

They want to know If you want

The embassy court or The grand ballroom.

Give me that. Give me that phone!

Fraternity prank.

What are you, Nuts, woody?

I can't Afford a party.

Parties are for Rich people. I'm poor.

I've always been poor. I'll always be poor.

I'm gonna Die poor.

I'd like to resign As entertainment chairman.

I don't know how To say this to you Without offending you,

But you're behaving Like a class "A" jerk.

Oh, am I? What have I Got to celebrate?

For one thing, Your mother's met A very nice man

Who's making her Very happy.

And?

Cliff!

Well...

All right.

Of course You're right.

I guess I just forgot How much ma means to me.

I'll have the party For her sake.

It'll just have to be The economy version--

You know, no frills.

If it'll help out, We'll close the bar early,

And you can Have it here.

Thank you, samuel.

That's very nice of you.

Hey! Hey, wait a second. Who knows?

When fitz sees what A nice guy I am,

Maybe he'll remember Me in his will.

Yeah. "To the idiot son of My new wife, I leave squat."

Mr. Clavin, some of your Guests have been asking

If they could take The plastic wrap Off the food.

Don't they understand when Food is exposed to air,

Just about anything Can happen.

Yeah. People Could eat it.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Very funny, wise guy.

Oink oink, Mr. Peterson.

Let's have a Little restraint.

This food's got To last us the Rest of the night.

Ho! The girls are here!

Sammy, I thought This was going to be A low-budget affair.

My treat.

Well, in that case-- Ladies, welcome.

Shake it, bake it,

Let's see if We can take it.

Come on in. Let me Introduce you

To the guest Of honor tonight.

There he is.

Sic 'im.

[exotic music playing]

So, fitz, how are You enjoying

Your bachelor party So far?

I haven't been This excited

Since I first trapped Vapor in my input valve.

No man forgets His first time, huh?

Oh...Oh, my!

Don't worry, fitz. They're not gonna bite.

He's right. That costs extra.

Hey.

Hey, what are you Doing back here?

I thought you Had a bachelorette Party going.

Yeah, but I have to Borrow some money

Against next week's loan.

Can you give me 50 bucks?

All right. What do you Need it for?

We're going to A dance recital.

You need 50 bucks For a dance recital?

We have to have Something

To stick in the Guys' underwear.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Good for you.

Esther here is ok.

I mean, you can't Blame her for

One horrible crime Against humanity.

Ha ha ha!

Where, uh... Where's diane?

We ditched her.

There you are!

How on earth did we Get separated?

I have no idea.

I thought we all Got in the taxi,

But when it pulled away From the curb,

I was the only one inside.

This is fun, But you girls are Gonna have to leave.

This is Men only here.

Oh... Ok, ok. Ohh.

You know, Instead of going

To that club You suggested,

We could Try cafe ole.

They have a wonderful New harpist, I hear.

Oh, great.

No. That sounds Like fun.

I'll hail a cab.

Let's go!

Hey, normie, things are Going very smoothly.

Yeah. I think fitz Might donate some money To my favorite charity.

Yeah. What's that?

Save the clavin Foundation.

Fitz: cliff! I am having The time of my life!

I knew You would, fitz.

You know, I didn't warm Up to you at first,

But I'm beginning To think you're not So bad after all.

What made you Come to that Conclusion?

Figure it out For yourself.

She says to Her girlfriend,

"Maybe so, But this one is Eating my popcorn."

[laughter]

Ok, ok. I guess It's time for me

To take off the Psychiatrist cap

And tell one of my own.

It seems there's These two men stranded

On a deserted island-- Doug and dave.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. This is better with dialects.

So an irishman and a dane Are stranded on a--

No. I don't do danish.

Um...

Ok! An irishman And a swede.

All right. That's it.

Patrick and lars. So lars Turns to patrick one day,

And he goes, "How much Vater have you left?"

Ha ha!

Oh, no, gee, Wait a second.

I think one of them is Supposed to be a rabbi. Uh...

[music playing]

Ho!

It's king Of the conga.

Hey, cliffie, How am I doing?

Ah, you're a vision, Fitz--a vision!

Woody, I don't think

I've done that Since my wedding.

You congaed At your wedding?

No. I sweated.

Ok. Now, I want to get The punch line just right,

Because otherwise, I'll ruin the whole joke.

You know, it's awfully Noisy out here.

Would you mind? It's kind of distracting.

I'll be back in a second.

Kick up your heels, Fitz. Faster!

Hey, fitz! Fitz, maybe you Ought to sit one out.

You've been going Pretty hard there.

No, sammy, it's his Last night to howl.

Let him Live it up, huh?

Thank you, cliffie. You've given me

Of the very great Nights of my life.

I want To promise you

I'm gonna take very Good care of you.

Sammy, is there A tear in my eye?

No. No.

Are there dollar Signs in my eye?

Yeah, I think There are, cliffie.

Ha ha! Oh! Hey, normie!

Did you hear that? I'm gonna be Rolling in it.

You've been Rolling in it for Years, cliff.

Come quick! This is terrible!

Fitz is really sick!

Oh, my god!

Ok. I've got it!

Glory be, nobody knows The rubble I've seen.

Ha ha ha!

No, no. That wasn't it.

Before we go home, One more time.

Fitz. Hell of a guy.

To fitz. Fitz.

It was A lovely service.

And, diane, your choice Of poem was wonderful.

Thank you. I just wish

I hadn't been cut off Right in the middle.

We had to. The eternal flame was Starting to go out.

Good night, Sammy.

Yeah. Good night, all.

You know, Funerals are a lot Different here

Than they are Back home.

Norm: yeah? How's that, woody?

Where I come from, When somebody dies,

People come From miles around,

Bake lots of pies,

Bring all kinds Of food,

Make speeches, Ride the roller coaster.

Oh, wait. That might Be the state fair.

Ma?

You ok?

I'm fine.

I just was going to Straighten up here a little.

You don't have to Do that, ma.

No. I want to.

Oh, will you Look at the rings On this table!

Don't people use Coasters anymore?

Ma...Whenever You're trying to hide Something inside,

You pick up some Household chore to do.

I don't know If you realize it,

But since fitz passed away, You haven't cried,

You haven't got upset,

You haven't shown Any kind of emotion.

What's there To be upset about?

I barely knew The man.

We just have some Good times together, That's all.

Ma...

Stop wiping.

[crying]

That's it. You just Let it all out now.

[sobbing]

Good, good. Now, don't You feel better?

[sobbing]

Yeah. That should Just about do it, huh?

[sobbing]

Good. One last Little spit.

[sobbing]

Ma, you know, There's a fine line

Between expressing your Feelings and blubbering.

I'm sorry. I guess You're right.

I'll get you A glass of water.

Oh, well.

Life goes on.

I guess I have to Accept the fact

That I'm not The type that good Things happen to.

Well, I don't know, ma. I mean, there is

One good thing That happened to you

About, uh...37 years ago.

There certainly was.

Not many women Get to shake hands With bing crosby.

Well, there you are, huh?

Oh, cliff, You know I mean you.

You're my pride and joy.

You're the best thing That ever happened to me.

Gee, think of that.