Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

Good evening,

You lucky dogs And dogettes.

Inside this Airtight container

Is a taste Sensation Second to none.

Get your Taste buds ready.

Ma's homemade pretzels.

They kind of Look like They were made

In a home, Cliff.

Well, they're A little misshapen.

Ma has arthritis. Her hands stiffen up on here.

That explains The smell

Of mentholatum, Then.

Here you go, sam.

Chow down. They're Completely organic.

So, what word Would you folks use

To describe These babies?

Filling.

Ok, all right, They're filling.

No, I just lost one.

Eh, you know, norm, They're pretzels.

They're supposed To be hard.

Hey, look, I'm gonna Go share a few with The guys in the back.

A little bit Of salt and mustard On there,

And you really Got something.

Yeah, a lawsuit.

I need some water.

I'm having trouble Swallowing.

Why are you trying?

Well, I figure It's either that

Or I have to Take it out And look at it.

Oh, jeez...

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would Help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are All the same *

* you wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

Everybody, I'd like You to meet my date, Dr. Lilith sternin,

M.D., ph.D., E.D.D., a.P.A.

Boy, it sure isn't Spelled like it sounds.

I'm so proud Of frasier.

He's making good on his vow To start a new life.

Lilith and I met over drinks After the chemical Dependency seminar.

By the way, I noticed Your drinking

Went beyond Sociability.

Woody, I'll have two cognacs.

What would you like?

Come on, it was just A meaningless joke.

There's no Such thing as a Meaningless joke.

I'd forgotten.

I'll have A white wine.

I'll have a beer.

A beer, woody,

And white wine For the charming lady.

Charming?

Your flattery's Obligatory And specious.

Thank you.

So how do you Like cheers?

Well, It seems adequate For its purpose,

But I have a feeling That you only brought me To this place

To surround yourself With people you know And I don't.

Well, yes.

But what's more, I thought That we might have a drink Or 2,

Thereby lowering Our inhibitions a bit

And enabling us To go back to your place

And have a physical Encounter of some sort.

Well, we won't.

I appreciate Your candor.

No, you don't.

You're right.

I feel like Striking you.

Your attempt At machismo is Totally inadequate.

You can't even Make eye contact.

I could look at you If I wanted to,

But frankly I've grown tired Of counting the comb marks In your hair.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go and use The little boys' room.

Why does a grown man Feel the need to euphemize?

Well, he did drink That beer Awfully fast.

[beep beep]

Oh, that's the hospital. I'm on call.

With any luck, it'll be One of my manic-depressives

And the evening Will take an upturn.

Boy, you got To love her, Don't you?

Excuse me, miss.

Would you please Inform dr. Crane

That I had to leave On an emergency?

And kindly relay This message--

I've had A very uncomfortable Evening,

I don't think we Should see each Other in the future

Except Professionally.

What, no good night kiss?

I kiss only as a Prelude to passion.

Well, We've been warned.

Oh, dear.

It appears frasier Has been rejected again.

That poor yutz.

Even the trash Only gets dumped Once a week.

Where's lilith?

Dr. Sternin She was called away On an emergency.

Well, that's All right anyway.

I didn't much care For lilith.

Sam, do you mind if I just use your Office for a moment?

Sure, sure. How come?

I'm going to weep.

Poor frasier. I wish He could find someone To ease his loneliness.

Sam, couldn't you Give him one of your Hand-me-downs?

I already did.

No, I was thinking Of someone who would Be, like, fun.

Well, now that you Mention it,

I guess I could prescribe A little candi pearson For dr. Crane.

Ooh! Candi. I like candi.

I sincerely doubt that Frasier would approve Of being set up

For a one-night stand

With one of your Jiggling jugheads.

I'm not talking About sex, Necessarily.

I just think that Frasier should know

That women Don't always Mean misery.

I think candi is Just what the doctor Prescribed.

She's cute, She's fun,

And she's never Met a man she didn't Like--

A lot. Ha ha!

Hi, sam.

Hey, candi! Boy, is It good to see you.

You are as beautiful As ever.

Sam, I'm getting low.

I'm also running Out of beer.

Well, maybe I can Help you out On both counts here.

I'd like you To meet candi.

Hi.

Hi yourself.

Anyone ever tell you

You've got A cute forehead?

Frankly, no,

But I've been told I have acute anxiety.

What's your name?

Dr. Frasier crane.

I'm candi.

Yes, so I see from your Necklace--with an "I."

Well, I used to Spell it with a "Y,"

But nobody ever Took me seriously,

So then I switched it To an "I," you know, Like gandhi.

Yes, I understand That's why He did it.

Could I Buy you a drink?

Oh, sure, um...

Something with bubbles.

Very well. Sam, um...

Champagne cocktails A deux.

Well, it looks like You and candi are Becoming friends.

Well, she seems like A very pleasant.

Sam, she's not here For you, is she?

No, no. Looks to me like She's here for you, frasier.

Well, yes, it does.

You're lucky, doc. Sam's never bothered set me up

With one of his Bevy of babes,

Not that I need help.

No, just mercy.

Oh, I see. This is all a setup.

Well, I've seen That movie before.

When all else fails,

Hire some strumpet To date the town wretch.

Hey, this is not a setup. She's not a strumpet.

She's just here because I thought you might Like each other.

No expectations, No frills.

Just a casual thing.

Well, thanks, sam,

But, uh... No, thanks.

Yeah, but...

I see your little attempt To corrupt frasier

Has failed miserably.

I'm sorry, miss. But I just figured out What this is all about.

I'm not in the habit of Fraternizing with women Of your type.

What type is that?

Well, you know, Uh...Fun.

Good night.

I don't believe it.

Frasier just Turned down candi.

If it was me, I'd be making her Scrambled eggs by now.

I'm sure she'd Prefer that to sex.

Why do you Open your mouth?

Didn't know She was there.

We need to put A little bell on her.

I don't know what You think this is all about,

But I just came because Sam said you were a nice guy

And you were Down in the dumps

And I thought maybe We could talk a little bit

And have a couple Of laughs...

Fine. We've had that.

You've done your Charity work For the evening.

Charity work? You really are a sad case.

How a guy with Such a great forehead

Could get so messed up.

Wait. The least I Can do is give you A ride home.

I'm going Your direction.

Which direction?

Out.

Thank you, frasier. You're sweet.

Say, you know, I just realized,

I'm feeling kind Of hungry.

Would you like To get some food?

Oh, food-- My favorite.

Good lord!

Frasier left with her?

Well, they have Nothing in common.

What could he Possibly have to say To that woman?

Thank you, thank you, Thank you.

Pretzels! Fresh pretzels!

Get your fresh pretzels Here.

Delivered to you piping hot From ma clavin's kitchen.

Come on, norm, You're his friend.

You promised you'd tell him To stop bringing that stuff In here.

All right, I'll Take care of it

While I still have Some teeth left.

Hey, uh, Incidentally, Normie,

I don't mind Telling you

How much ma Appreciates The fact

That you guys Like her pretzels.

Great, cliff. Listen--

She's been down in The dumps these past 40 years.

When she heard How you felt about These babies,

Well, she just Broke right down And cried.

Oh, boy. Pretzels.

Anyone seen frasier yet?

Not since he left last night With candi.

I wonder what they did.

I'm sure They just went out And had dinner.

I'll bet they had Some dinner, all right.

Yeah, Real good dinner,

Real fine Restaurant, huh?

Actually, the best.

I wonder if The restaurant was crowded.

I clearly doubt that frasier Took advantage of That young woman.

Come on. Diane, Frasier's a guy,

No different From the rest of us.

There's one Difference.

He scored since The invention Of the wheel.

Doesn't have to be A big bell,

As long as We can hear it.

Trust me, he might Have taken pity on That poor girl

And done something To be nice to her.

Frasier is far Too sophisticated a man

To be swept away by her Transparent charm.

Greetings, One and all.

Say hello to Mrs. Frasier crane.

You're married?

No, we're not married, And we won't be For a long time.

An hour!

We're gonna tie the knot Right here today

Where we met Just 16 hours ago,

That is it's ok With you, sam. Yeah.

16 hours Isn't much time.

That depends on how you Spend those 16 hours.

Hey, woody, some Champagne here.

I mean, This is quite An occasion.

I mean, I know I'm responsible For them,

But I didn't Even see that Coming.

The thought never Even crossed My mind.

Thoughts can't Cross your mind, sam.

The bridge is out.

Ok, well, I would Like to propose A toast, then.

This is one that My father said At my wedding,

And it's kind of Always stuck With me.

Thank god I'm not Paying for this.

Thank you. Thank you all.

Oops, spot!

Look at me.

I'm rumpled And loving it.

Sam, I'll never be able To thank you enough

For introducing me To this precious flower.

That goes double For me.

Candi is The perfect girl for me.

I got so tired Of thinking and dating

At the same time.

But with candi,

I'm no longer Frasier crane, Pompous intellectual.

I'm fras, Pompous madcap.

And I kind of like him.

Come on, darling,

We'll just stop off At my place

For a quick celebration.

Then we've got a ring to Buy before the justice Of the peace arrives.

Oh, fras.

Just a moment, dear.

Um, what is it, Diane?

I hate what I'm About to say.

I pray to god It's not true.

I think You're doing this

To draw me out, To force me To make a stand.

Please, tell me If I'm wrong,

And I'll be Forever silent.

You're wrong. No, I'm not.

Yes, you are, diane.

Ok.

Fine.

He's lost his mind.

Well, cliffie, We got time for A wedding

On this evening's Agenda?

Well, if we put back The billiard's game,

And, well, we're gonna miss The first 10 minutes

Of "Nighttime Wheel of fortune."

I hate it when Someone throws A monkey wrench

In the works.

Don't worry, norm.

Look, we'll just postpone The darts game

Until after the vows.

Aren't you Forgetting something, Mr. Organizer?

Today's the day When "People" Magazine comes out.

Yeah. So?

So when are we Supposed to

Black out Celebrity's teeth? Tell me that.

You know, You're not so dumb.

Thank you, carla.

Frasier's not my cup Of tea,

But as husbands go, He could be All right.

He won't hurt you,

And I think He'll always Be faithful.

And if he isn't, Who cares?

That's kind of Beautiful.

Dr. Crane? I couldn't Be happier for you.

She is A beautiful girl.

Thank you, woody.

My dream is to Someday fall in love

With a beautiful Girl and her to fall In love with me

And we get married And have three Wonderful children

Who grow up and move Away from us and Hardly ever write.

She and I Would grow old

In an empty house Together and die.

I forgot. I also Want a boat.

It'll happen For you, woody. I know it.

Shall we begin?

May we all gather Down at this end?

My dear.

You look lovely.

You, too, frasier.

But you know what We're missing?

Music.

Music, Of course.

Say, anybody play The piano?

I play a little.

Get up there, Young man,

And regale us With your Virtuosity.

[playing heart and soul]

Uh, woody.

Woody.

I don't think That's quite right For a wedding.

Oh.

[plays slower]

It's, uh...Perfect. Senseless. Madcap.

Frasier would hate it. Fras thinks it's swell.

Dearly beloved, we're Gathered here to join

This man and this woman In matrimony.

Marriage is a sacred union Not to be entered into lightly.

If there is Any person present

Who knows a reason Why this couple Shouldn't be united,

Speak now or Forever hold your peace.

I do.

Right phrase, Wrong wedding.

I have to stop this And stop it now.

There's something I must say.

I've tried to avoid it, I've tried to hold my peace, But I can't.

It's urgent. Please.

Sam, help. Let's go, fast.

Uh...

Listen up, everybody.

We'll be back.

In the meantime, You'll be entertained

By the magic fingers Of mr. Woody boyd.

[playing heart and soul]

Frasier, candi, I apologize For interrupting

What should be The most important Moment

In a person's life.

I'm compelled To do this

By my affection And respect For both of you.

Isn't it possible

That in the heat Of recent events,

You might Be confusing Physical attraction

For deeper, more Sublime emotions?

You know, In the psychiatric Profession,

We have a statement To that little theory of yours.

Hah!

Frasier.

You have to admit You and candi

Are as different As night and day,

You are as different As sam and I.

Frasier, hear me out.

We were, as you are,

Diametrically opposed Personalities.

Oh, at first,

Our differences Were charming to us.

I found sam's Lack of refinement

And sophistication... Crudely provocative.

Yeah, and I Liked the way

Her hair smelled.

I'm sure in addition You were excited

By the intellectual Vistas

To which I exposed you.

No. I really think It was that Conditioner.

The point I'm trying to make

Is that the only thing We had

Was a great Physical relationship.

Yeah, and we had A lot of that.

When we'd go to concerts, Sam would be bored stiff

And I'd be excited,

And we'd be On totally different planes.

Yeah, But we caught The same flight

Once we got home And hit the old Posturepedic.

Don't you see what You're doing here?

You feel guilty, As least subconsciously,

For rejecting me,

And that's causing You to act out.

For once in your life, Frasier,

Put away Your flash-card Psychoanalysis

And face the truth.

How dare you insult My professional acumen!

Here's what I--

Candi, please, you were not Put on this earth To think!

Diane, You are without a doubt--

Oh, my god. What have I done? What have I said?

You said I'm not here--

No, I know what I said.

I just can't believe I said it.

Candi, I didn't mean it.

Please forgive me.

Yes, you did Mean it, frasier.

And what's more, You're right.

I didn't understand Anything anybody Was saying

Except for sam.

We can't get married

Because I don't Deserve you.

No. I don't Deserve you.

I don't deserve To put polish

On your toenails.

Although it was The highlight of breakfast.

Maybe... We should spend More time together

Before we take This step.

You mean...

Like the weekend?

That long?

Well, maybe.

I think you've Made a very wise Decision.

I think We'll be going now.

I'm sorry I snapped at you that way.

It's the first time I've Raised my voice to you In anger,

And I promise It'll be the last.

That's too bad.

I thought You were kind of sexy When you were mad.

Really? Well, Don't just sit there, Get a move on!

Sam, your office Is a pigsty! See to it!

Ooh, frasier.

And you know, If we can put a man On the moon,

Why can't We put metal In a microwave?

Diane, I got To compliment you

On the way You handled frasier.

That was Pretty good.

Thank you.

Yeah, I hate to see A man and woman

Make a mistake.

Frasier and candi. Frasier and candi.

Well, no, no, I mean,

You got to hang out With somebody For a long time,

Get to really get To know them before You take a big step.

Yes. If something's Worthwhile,

It's worth Waiting for.

Absolutely.

Well, lot of people Out there waiting For a wedding.

No bride, no groom.

Guess it's up To us, huh?

My god, sam.

I can't believe My ears.

You're serious, Aren't you?

Oh.

Oh, no. No, I--

I just meant that we Should go out there

And serve those people Some drinks, that's all.

Oh, that's what I meant, too.

No, it isn't.

What did you think I was talking about?

Come on.

Well, for a moment There, I confess,

I thought you were Talking about Something else.

Uh-huh. And what Would your answer Have been?

No, sam.

That's the sort of question That has to be asked

Before it can Be answered.

Well, if I heard The answer,

Maybe it would be Easier for me to ask The question.

Very well.

The answer is no.

Well, the question was,

Have you ever met a man Who gave you the hots More than me?

I'd like to change My answer.

Fine.

Then the answer is yes.

Well, then the question Was do you want to go to Bed with me?

I want to changed My answer again.

Well, that's ok. I'll change my question

To is there any way that You would not object

To not going to bed With me?

Wait a minute.