Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience.

It's been a pleasure Serving you.

Thanks.

Wait a minute.

Is this for me?

Yes.

Whoa-ho! A quarter!

He left me A whole quarter.

Considering All that great service I gave him,

I was expecting A big tip,

But nothing Of this magnitude.

That does it. Thanks to him, I'm on easy street.

Now I'm gonna retire.

Hey, look, all right, I'll give you some more, ok?

Here. You have change Of a 10?

Yeah. Now beat it.

* making your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* taking a break From all your worries *

* sure would help a lot *

* wouldn't you Like to get away? *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be where Everybody knows your name *

* you wanna go where people know People are all the same *

* you wanna go where everybody Knows your name *

All right, everybody, I'm warning you,

Better stay On my good side today.

Cliff, I've looked at you From every angle.

There is no good side.

What's the problem There, cliffy?

Ah, new couple moved in Next door to me and ma.

Just not our kind Of people.

They're loud, They're noisy.

They're up till all hours Playing their bebop music.

Automobile parts Strewn all over the yard--

Nothing I can use.

Why don't you just have A word with these People, cliffy.

No. They're Not the type of people You just have a word with.

You know what I mean?

If I talk to them, It's only gonna lead to a fight.

You know What I'm liable to do.

Yeah, wet yourself.

Oh, my god. That's my boss.

He saw me slip out Early. He's come here To fire me.

You got here The same time you always do.

I know. I always leave early.

I refuse to be one of Those little cowardly Clock-watchers.

As soon as my supervisor Turns his head,

I always slip out The heating duct.

How would he know You're here?

Company's Full of spies.

Really?

Yeah. They know everything About you.

They even keep track Of your sex habits.

Thank god I don't have any.

He's coming this way. Cliffy, cover for me. Yeah, roger.

Wait a minute. Ah, ah--

Excuse me. Wasn't that Norm peterson?

Nope, there's no Norm peterson here.

As a matter of fact, I don't even know A norm peterson.

Are you sure? The man that just ran Into the men's room

With his jacket Pulled over his head?

Absolutely not. Probably just somebody

That looked like Norm peterson.

Who I don't know.

I see. Uh-huh.

And, uh, what's This on the floor?

Foam insulation From our heating duct.

My information Is correct.

Peterson, You in here?

Were you Talking to me?

What are you doing In there?

Sir, this is awfully close

To being invasion Of privacy, darn it.

I want To talk to you.

I'll wait outside.

No, no, no. No, sir,

I know what You're probably Going to do to me,

And this does seem

Like the appropriate Place for it.

All right. Peterson...

We've made some Organizational changes

In the company.

Starting tomorrow,

We want you to be Our corporate killer.

Guy who fires people?

That's right.

You see, we decided

That terminating Employees

Puts too much stress On our executives.

We think You'll be perfect.

Why me?

Because studies Have shown that

It's particularly Humiliating

When you're Fired by somebody

Who's clearly and markedly Superior to yourself.

That just wouldn't be The case with you, norman.

See, you're just An ordinary joe.

As a matter of fact,

We, uh... We checked out Your home life.

You have Absolutely nothing

Anyone could possibly Envy or resent.

I'm honored, sir.

But it just sounds Like a horrible job, Frankly.

It's a 300% raise,

And if you don't take it, You're fired.

Sir, I will Have you know

That I cannot Be bought,

And I cannot Be threatened.

But you put The two together,

And I'm your man.

Carla, have you Given any thought

To using some form

Of natural childbirth This time?

I always use The le mans method.

No, you mean lamaze.

No, le mans.

I scream Like a ferrari.

Evening, everybody.

Hi-yo! Ho! Ho!

What will you Have, norm?

I'm in a gambling mood, sammy. I'll take a glass

Of whatever comes out Of that tap.

Oh, looks like beer, norm.

Call me Mr. Lucky, eh?

I'll take Another one

For my young Friend there.

So, mr. Lucky, Who is your young Friend over there?

Well, it's my first Assignment, cliffy.

I was supposed to fire That guy first thing in The morning.

I haven't been able To do it yet.

You mean you've been With the guy all day,

And you haven't Canned him?

Such a sweet Young kid.

I just can't Tear his heart out.

Oh, can I do it, Please?

Do you mind?

I know what You're talking about.

It's always hard To fire people.

Of course, I always Give my waitresses

The benefit Of a severance boink.

That, or the money Equivalent--

$1.14.

As I recall, you were Always after an advance.

Oh, sam, you're always Bringing that up,

Trying to relive those Few precious weeks

With the only woman You ever dated who knew how To spell your name.

As I recall, You used to spell it

E-x-t-a-s-y.

You got the "X" right.

And it's going To stay that way.

Would you two mind if We moved on to something A little more interesting

Than your star-crossed Romance, please? Sorry.

Come on, Norm, what could be More interesting

Than another Gripping episode

Of young and The chestless?

I'm sorry. Where-- Oh, yeah.

So, when are you Going to talk to the guy?

I don't know. I've Been struggling With it all day.

I was gonna tell him At lunch, you know,

But we were enjoying Ourselves so much,

It just seemed Gauche.

So I thought I'd Take him to a movie,

You know, and try to Get him relaxed a bit.

And you couldn't Tell him there either?

No, but I came Awfully close At the ball game.

Norman, as you know,

No one is more Sensitive than I.

And I say Putting it off

Is of no value To you or the boy.

I guess You're right.

Thanks for the beer, Mr. Peterson. Sure.

I sure have had A good time today.

You sure we won't get Into any trouble?

No. Besides, it's great To get away from that Old sweatshop anyway, isn't it?

Are you kidding? I love my job.

My five months I've Had it have been The best of my life.

Isn't that exaggerating Just a little bit, billy?

No. Mr. Peterson, Ever since I could remember,

I dreamed of being An accountant.

From the age of 6, I did Odd jobs so I could put Myself through college.

Now that I have it,

I feel like I've got The world at my feet.

I just put a down Payment on a house.

Maybe it was a little More than we wanted To spend,

But escrow Closed today.

So there's No turning back now.

Besides, with My wife pregnant,

We're going To need the room.

Your--your...

You know, My wife and I

Are trying to have A baby, actually.

Hey, that's great.

Our kids are gonna Play together at The company picnic.

I don't think so, billy.

Why not?

'cause you're fired.

I'm fired?

Yes.

It's not your fault You're history, billy.

It's the damn company.

They're cutting back All over the place.

You're a good accountant. I'm so sorry.

I can't believe it.

It's not fair. You're so damn young.

That's right. I am young.

I've got that Going for me.

I'll start over.

I'll find Something else.

In this job market? Good luck.

Shh, there, there, Mr. Peterson.

Don't you Worry about me.

I'll be just fine.

I'm going to make you Happy and proud again.

Are you going To be ok?

Come on, show me A big smile.

Come on. Come on.

Attaboy.

Stand up. Come on.

Get him a beer There, diane.

Come on.

So how did it go, Norm?

Carla.

That damn company.

What do they know

About the pride In a young wife's eye,

An unborn child,

Or a boy's love Of a calculator?

Norman, stop.

You're torturing Yourself.

And us.

I guess billy richter's

Not going to be The only one without a job.

I'm not cut out to be A corporate killer.

Well, Thank goodness For that.

Excuse me.

I watched you with That young man over there.

And I want to tell you That I've never seen Anything like that.

Hey, pal, look, This is the 1980s.

It's ok For a man to cry.

Thanks, buddy.

Of course, you'd never Catch me doing it.

Maybe a manly Tear or two,

But never blubbering.

I'm phil wagner.

It's a policy At talbot international

To send A representative to check

On how their employees Handle new assignments.

I been following you Around all day.

All day?

That's right. Oh, by the way,

How'd you like rice's catch In the third inning?

It was a great catch.

Look, sir, I guess you're Going to tell them

To find Another killer.

I have to say, I'm relieved, actually.

Peterson, you made That man feel

That he was fired

From a sensitive, Caring company.

It was brilliant.

I'm gonna recommend That they give you

That corner office On the third floor

Overlooking The parking lot.

Isn't that Mr. Peabody's office?

Not after you Talk with him tomorrow.

That's it! I've had it. I've had it.

Those neighbors have Pushed me too far this time.

What happened now, Clifford?

Last night, they decided To have a party--

Cars parked all over The block,

Loud music, carousing, And who all knows what else

All this On a school night.

You know, I think It's high time they learned

What you get When you cross a clavin.

Someone crossed one with A chicken and got you.

I beg your pardon.

You come in here Shooting your mouth off

About this guy Every night,

But you don't Do anything.

I think You're afraid To stand up to him.

I'm not afraid of anything.

One of these days, I'm gonna tell that jerk

Exactly what I think Of him.

Oh, yeah?

All right.

Here you go.

Write him a letter.

Oh, yeah. You don't Think I will, huh?

All right...

"Howdy, neighbor. Please don't Take this the wrong way--"

Give me that!

"Howdy, neighbor."

Let me do this.

"Dear vile Scurvy rat...

Whose existence Stinks up the planet..."

Yeah, I guess that Is a bit stronger.

Where's, uh... Where's norm?

He's in the back room

Dropping the ax On his latest victim.

It'll be all right.

I'll find another job...

Someday.

You promise?

Huh? Huh?

I promise.

Now buck up.

That man is a prince.

Norman...Why do you keep

Putting yourself Through this?

You must be Emotionally drained

At the end of the day.

Yeah. Yeah, I am,

But, uh...Hey, I'm good at it, huh?

Finally found something In life I'm good at--

Pity.

Now we just got To finish it off With a real doozy.

Does he have Any disabilities You can make fun of?

No.

Well, his wife's not A particularly handsome woman.

Oh, good. Good.

"Bark hello to Your wife for me."

"Yours in disgust..."

Sign that.

Ok, I'll sign it With pleasure.

I'll mail this at My earliest convenience.

Fork it over.

It's going out In today's mail.

Good. Good. Glad to hear it.

Look, clavin-- Just think of this

As your ticket Out of weenie town.

Carla, I made That trip long ago.

Yeah, but they threw you Out at dinkville.

Uh...I'm sor--norm.

Your office called.

They're sending over A john parker.

Another one. Yeah.

Jeez!

Last one today, I guess.

Let's see what we got here.

John parker.

Hmm...35 years At the company, sam.

He's a widower.

He supports sickly parents.

Oh, no. Three foster children.

So sad, sam. So...

Afternoon, sam.

And how are we today?

We're fine, walt. How are you doing?

Well, it hasn't been An easy day,

But any day I carry the u.S. Mail,

I count myself a lucky And useful human being.

Are all you guys Like this?

Like what?

Never mind.

Hold on A second, walt.

I've got some Outgoing mail here. Sure thing.

How do you like that?

Just talked to mom.

Our neighbor's cleaning Up his yard right As we speak.

He said He would have gotten To it sooner,

But he's been In training

For the world Light-heavyweight Kickboxing championship.

Yeah, he would have made A worthy adversary For me,

But it's good I found out

Before that letter Was mailed.

That's excellent use of The nine-digit zip code, sam.

Consider these letters In the hands of the addressees.

Hey, uh... Ho-ho-ho!

Hold on there, uh... Twitchell, isn't it?

That's right.

Clavin, south central Branch, scb.

Oh...Right.

Uh...Listen, twitch.

You got a letter In that bag

That I don't need To have mailed,

So I'd appreciated it if I could have it back.

Sorry.

What do you mean, "Sorry"?

I can't give it back.

"Any letter on my person For the express purpose Of delivery

"Receives the same sanctity

It would be afforded In any u.S. Mail receptacle."

Yeah, yeah, But look, this is

A very personal, Important matter to me.

You know the rules.

Hey! That's my bag!

Get your hands off!

That's a federal offense!

You're a federal Offense, you meathead!

Hey!

Hey!

Get out of here!

That's clavin. Clavin, with a "C," right?

That's right.

Yeah, well, Let me tell you, You're in trouble.

You're in trouble!

They're going to have Your bags.

Your mother's a bag.

Isn't that something?

Put a uniform On some guys,

It turns them Right into a fascist.

I wouldn't be A bit surprised

If that guy had Deep sexual p-problems.

[snoring]

Huh.

Norm is sleeping Like a baby.

Yeah. A baby with A license to kill.

I guess this job is Taking its toll.

I wonder what He's dreaming about?

Oh, he's probably Dreaming about

What every man Dreams about.

In your case, That would be me.

I hardly think that norm's Dreaming about you.

Aah!

I stand corrected.

Hey! Are you ok? Wake up.

N-n-no, I'm, uh... I'm fine.

Whew!

Strangest dream. What was that?

It was so weird, sam.

It's really dark, You know, and cold,

And eerie, and it's out In the middle of nowhere, You know?

I mean, it was nowhere, but It was definitely somewhere.

There was this endless line Of accountants there, right?

It was my job To make them go through

A pair of elevator doors.

Aah!

Going down?

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

One by one They went, sammy,

Falling, screaming Into a bottomless pit.

Aah!

Ha ha ha!

I turned around, and There was this accountant

Just wearing a blindfold, Right?

I went up to him.

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Aah!

Norm!

Just demonstrating.

I was fine.

Norman...Don't you see What this dream means?

A very precious Part of you

Feels as if it's being Destroyed by this job.

The burden of your guilt

Is...Insupportable.

I never said I was in love With this job, ok?

As a matter of fact, I think it stinks, All right?

But it is important.

These guys'd All be fired, anyway.

And I'm just providing A service, ok?

I'm helping them through

One of life's most Painful experiences.

Norman, these executives Are having you do their Dirty work.

You are their judas goat.

Oh, come on, Just lighten up, Will you, diane?

Well, I mean it!

You should have more pride

Than to do repugnant Tasks for people

At their bidding.

You want to wipe up That bar sweat?

Right away.

Can I get you something?

No.

You ok?

No--

Norm peterson invited me For a beer at cheers.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Well, he's sitting down Right over there.

So that's him.

* da dun-duh-dah *

* dun duh-dun-- **

Hi. You must be John parker.

Hi. Norm peterson here.

I know. Yeah, I know.

It's really terrible what you Have to do to me, isn't it?

You mean, you know Why you're here?

Everybody down at The company knows about you.

Well, then, John, I guess

There's really Nothing left to say, Is there?

What do you mean?

Where's my sympathy?

Where's the caring? Where's the tears?

Well, uh...I do feel Bad for you, john.

Doesn't look like it.

Well, honestly, john, I feel just awful, um...

You have Foster children, I believe, right?

Yes. One of them Needs braces.

Oh, braces.

You know, peterson, I would rather have somebody

Come right out And fire me honestly

Than fake sentiment.

You hide Your true feelings

Behind a shower Of crocodile tears.

J-john, listen. John, wait a second.

Let me try again, john.

Boo-hoo! Sickly Parents. Boo-hoo!

Boo-hoo!

Forgive me. I'm dry as a bone.

Do you know what's Happening to you, norman?

You're becoming Callous and hard.

Yeah, I know.

Give me the phone...

And a beer.

What are you doing?

Quitting.

Ohh!

I'm calling Mr. Simpson in personnel

And telling him I'm resigning.

The bosses can do Their own dirty work For a change.

Good man.

Mr. Simpson? Yes, This is norm peterson, sir.

We really have to have A lit--hello?

He screamed and hung up.

I'll try him again.

Yes, is this Mr. Simpson's secretary?

Hi. This is norm peterson.

We seem to have been-- Hello? Hello?

You see what's happening, Here, don't you?

Yeah. This is amazing.

Why don't I just give Mr. Hecht a little call?

You know, It was his scheme To begin with.

Why don't I just tell him How good the little Plan's going?

Mr. Hecht? This is norm peterson.

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!