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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:03,604 --> 00:00:06,074 Cheers is filmed before A live studio audience. 2 00:00:06,074 --> 00:00:07,808 Mm-mmm. Chekhov. 3 00:00:07,808 --> 00:00:09,877 Nope, norm. Ibsen. It was ibsen. 4 00:00:09,877 --> 00:00:11,612 I'm telling you, It was chekhov. 5 00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:13,247 I can remember what it was. It was the cherry orchard. 6 00:00:13,247 --> 00:00:14,615 You're full of it. It was ibsen. 7 00:00:14,615 --> 00:00:16,517 It was The master builder. 8 00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:18,319 It was chekhov. I'm telling you. 9 00:00:18,319 --> 00:00:19,520 Ibsen. Ibsen. Ibsen. 10 00:00:19,520 --> 00:00:20,521 Chekhov. Chekhov. 11 00:00:20,521 --> 00:00:21,789 Ibsen. Ibsen. 12 00:00:21,789 --> 00:00:23,624 Excuse me, I don't mean To stop you by any means, 13 00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:27,628 But you are talking About anton chekhov And henrik ibsen? 14 00:00:27,628 --> 00:00:30,831 Of course we're talking About anton chekhov 15 00:00:30,831 --> 00:00:32,333 And henrik ibsen. 16 00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:33,701 Cliffie, listen to me. 17 00:00:33,701 --> 00:00:35,002 Wonderful. 18 00:00:35,002 --> 00:00:37,638 Perhaps I might Be of some assistance. 19 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:39,840 I would love In some small way To contribute 20 00:00:39,840 --> 00:00:41,609 To your Literary inquiry. 21 00:00:41,609 --> 00:00:43,577 Well, I supposed She can help, huh? 22 00:00:43,577 --> 00:00:44,645 Please, please. 23 00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,714 Well, yeah, If anybody can, You can. 24 00:00:46,714 --> 00:00:47,848 I'd like to think so. 25 00:00:47,848 --> 00:00:50,451 Ok. What were you Watching on tv 26 00:00:50,451 --> 00:00:52,686 That night that norm Stuffed his face full Of cheese doodles 27 00:00:52,686 --> 00:00:54,688 And whistled The way we were? 28 00:00:57,291 --> 00:01:01,929 Ibsen, and it Was taco chips. 29 00:01:01,929 --> 00:01:03,631 Pay up. Let's go. 30 00:01:03,631 --> 00:01:05,199 All right, all right. Now that I think of it, 31 00:01:05,199 --> 00:01:06,434 I guess it was chekhov And cheese doodles 32 00:01:06,434 --> 00:01:09,270 The night artie sullivan Tried to prove 33 00:01:09,270 --> 00:01:12,072 He could comb his hair With his feet. 34 00:01:12,072 --> 00:01:13,541 Yeah, You're on thin ice 35 00:01:13,541 --> 00:01:16,544 Arguing the classics With me there, Buckaroo. 36 00:01:21,615 --> 00:01:24,185 * makin' your way In the world today * 37 00:01:24,185 --> 00:01:27,455 * takes everything You've got * 38 00:01:27,455 --> 00:01:29,923 * takin' a break From all your worries * 39 00:01:29,923 --> 00:01:32,160 * sure would help a lot * 40 00:01:33,427 --> 00:01:36,697 * wouldn't you like To get away? * 41 00:01:39,200 --> 00:01:41,202 * sometimes you wanna go * 42 00:01:41,202 --> 00:01:44,705 * where everybody Knows your name * 43 00:01:46,574 --> 00:01:51,145 * and they're always Glad you came * 44 00:01:51,145 --> 00:01:53,614 * you wanna be Where you can see * 45 00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,049 * our troubles Are all the same * 46 00:01:56,049 --> 00:02:00,421 * you wanna be where Everybody knows your name * 47 00:02:01,522 --> 00:02:04,158 * you wanna go Where people know * 48 00:02:04,158 --> 00:02:06,794 * people are All the same * 49 00:02:06,794 --> 00:02:07,828 * you wanna go * 50 00:02:07,828 --> 00:02:11,565 * where everybody Knows your name * 51 00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,289 Hey, sammy, long time! 52 00:02:35,289 --> 00:02:37,858 Hey, it has been A long time. How You been, huh? 53 00:02:37,858 --> 00:02:39,393 About the same. And you? 54 00:02:39,393 --> 00:02:40,861 Well, you know me, I never change. 55 00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,330 What will you have? 56 00:02:42,330 --> 00:02:43,664 I'll have my usual. 57 00:02:43,664 --> 00:02:45,533 Woo! You Still drinking That stuff? 58 00:02:45,533 --> 00:02:46,334 Yeah. 59 00:02:46,334 --> 00:02:47,535 Who is that guy? 60 00:02:47,535 --> 00:02:48,969 I don't know. He's your friend. 61 00:02:48,969 --> 00:02:51,672 I've never seen him. Any of you guys Know him? 62 00:02:51,672 --> 00:02:53,674 Trust me, sam, The man's never Been in this place before. 63 00:02:53,674 --> 00:02:55,843 I'm good At placing faces. 64 00:02:55,843 --> 00:02:59,813 Yeah? Then place yours Where we can't see it. 65 00:03:01,649 --> 00:03:03,884 Wish coach were here. He'd know who he was. 66 00:03:03,884 --> 00:03:05,519 Where is the coach? 67 00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:08,356 He went to get His driver's License renewed. 68 00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,691 He'll be back Next week. 69 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,926 What's taking Him so long? 70 00:03:12,926 --> 00:03:14,428 He went up to vermont. 71 00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,730 He heard the test Was a lot easier up there. 72 00:03:16,730 --> 00:03:19,233 Sam, why don't you Just ask this man What his name is? 73 00:03:19,233 --> 00:03:23,304 It's better one minute of Embarrassment than making A fool of yourself. 74 00:03:23,304 --> 00:03:25,539 Nah. Too easy. I can handle this. 75 00:03:25,539 --> 00:03:28,242 You know How good I am 76 00:03:28,242 --> 00:03:29,910 At thinking On my feet. 77 00:03:29,910 --> 00:03:34,282 Well, I have seen you Add and subtract on them. 78 00:03:34,282 --> 00:03:36,950 Subtraction Must kinda hurt. 79 00:03:36,950 --> 00:03:38,486 Watch and learn. 80 00:03:38,486 --> 00:03:40,488 Hey, instead Of your usual, 81 00:03:40,488 --> 00:03:43,491 I thought you might like A manhattan here, huh? 82 00:03:43,491 --> 00:03:45,626 Well, a manhattan Is my usual. 83 00:03:45,626 --> 00:03:46,994 Gotcha. 84 00:03:46,994 --> 00:03:48,195 Aw. 85 00:03:48,195 --> 00:03:51,064 Hey, uh, how's The work doing, huh? 86 00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:52,199 Uh, fine. 87 00:03:52,199 --> 00:03:53,801 You still working The same place? 88 00:03:53,801 --> 00:03:56,069 What was the name of that? It's got a real funny name. 89 00:03:56,069 --> 00:03:57,104 My house. 90 00:03:57,104 --> 00:03:58,839 My house, right. 91 00:03:58,839 --> 00:04:00,874 Yeah, I still get A kick out of that. 92 00:04:00,874 --> 00:04:04,512 Yeah, I'm still working The same crummy job Stuffing envelopes, 93 00:04:04,512 --> 00:04:07,548 But I'm glad You find that funny. 94 00:04:07,548 --> 00:04:10,518 I didn't mean funny In the humorous sense. 95 00:04:10,518 --> 00:04:13,020 I meant funny More in the-- 96 00:04:13,020 --> 00:04:15,423 Who the hell Are you? 97 00:04:16,424 --> 00:04:17,958 I'm eddie gordon. 98 00:04:17,958 --> 00:04:19,226 Eddie gordon. 99 00:04:19,226 --> 00:04:21,729 I...I don't know Who eddie gordon is. 100 00:04:21,729 --> 00:04:24,832 Well, you should. About a year ago You bet me your bar 101 00:04:24,832 --> 00:04:28,436 That you could marry Jacqueline bisset By midnight tomorrow. 102 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:29,837 I bet--oh, come on. 103 00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:34,775 Who the hell-- Oh, eddie gordon. 104 00:04:34,775 --> 00:04:38,145 How the hell You doing, eddie? 105 00:04:38,145 --> 00:04:39,847 It coming Back to you, sam? 106 00:04:39,847 --> 00:04:42,149 Yeah, yeah. I'm a little hazy. 107 00:04:42,149 --> 00:04:44,818 I had a few too many That night. 108 00:04:44,818 --> 00:04:47,220 No, no. You had a lot Too many that night. 109 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:50,358 Well, I was goin' through A pretty rough period. 110 00:04:50,358 --> 00:04:53,427 So, how are you And jackie getting along? 111 00:04:53,427 --> 00:04:55,396 You know, I felt A little slighted 112 00:04:55,396 --> 00:04:57,465 When I wasn't Invited to the wedding. 113 00:04:57,465 --> 00:05:00,434 Ha ha! Boy, I must have been Drinking tequila, huh? 114 00:05:00,434 --> 00:05:02,436 Yeah, I always want Jacqueline bisset 115 00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,539 When I drink tequila. 116 00:05:05,539 --> 00:05:07,908 But I bet you don't Always write it down, 117 00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:11,445 Signing your name In front of witnesses. 118 00:05:11,445 --> 00:05:12,746 Did that, too, huh? 119 00:05:12,746 --> 00:05:15,949 Yeah. Keep it. It's a copy. 120 00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,451 Aw, hey, listen, 121 00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:20,621 This was obviously A joke, eddie. 122 00:05:20,621 --> 00:05:21,922 Come on, now, I'm no expert, 123 00:05:21,922 --> 00:05:23,457 But I know a little Bit about the law. 124 00:05:23,457 --> 00:05:25,292 And this sounds Like a crock, pal. 125 00:05:25,292 --> 00:05:27,461 No way you'll Ever own this bar. 126 00:05:27,461 --> 00:05:28,796 Well, when I take over, 127 00:05:28,796 --> 00:05:31,532 I'm thinking of serving Free chicken wings. 128 00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:33,467 Sorry, sam, The law's the law. 129 00:05:35,969 --> 00:05:39,239 We used To have those Little meatballs. 130 00:05:39,239 --> 00:05:41,542 You know, With a sterno flame. 131 00:05:41,542 --> 00:05:43,444 I don't want you to Take this personally, 132 00:05:43,444 --> 00:05:45,513 But as a drinking Partner, you stink. 133 00:05:45,513 --> 00:05:47,515 Well, sorry you Feel that way, sam. 134 00:05:47,515 --> 00:05:49,817 Look, I'll see you Tomorrow at midnight... 135 00:05:49,817 --> 00:05:52,453 When the bar Becomes mine. 136 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:54,522 Have you Thought about serving 137 00:05:54,522 --> 00:05:55,956 Those little Crab puffs? They're very popular. 138 00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:59,493 Melville's has A recipe with Mustard sauce. 139 00:05:59,493 --> 00:06:01,495 If you're serious About this, 140 00:06:01,495 --> 00:06:03,464 You don't have A leg to stand on. 141 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,232 Most Snakes don't. 142 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:06,967 We'll find out in court. 143 00:06:06,967 --> 00:06:09,136 Yeah, my attorney's Looked it over. 144 00:06:09,136 --> 00:06:11,304 He says We got a shot. 145 00:06:11,304 --> 00:06:12,840 Sam, don't get so upset. 146 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,908 You're still gonna Have your job. 147 00:06:14,908 --> 00:06:17,144 I'm going To need a bartender. 148 00:06:20,748 --> 00:06:24,284 You actually went out Drinking with that man? 149 00:06:24,284 --> 00:06:26,286 That's not the worst Of it. 150 00:06:26,286 --> 00:06:29,089 I think I picked up the bill. 151 00:06:29,089 --> 00:06:31,358 Oh...This has got To be a joke, doesn't it? 152 00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:34,495 Why don't you Let an attorney Take a look at that. 153 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,863 Do you know one? 154 00:06:35,863 --> 00:06:37,531 Have you finally passed The massachusetts bar 155 00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:40,200 On the rarely used Pity clause? 156 00:06:40,200 --> 00:06:42,736 You know, When I pass My bar exam, cliff, 157 00:06:42,736 --> 00:06:45,439 You are going To eat your words. 158 00:06:45,439 --> 00:06:47,741 If I've got Any teeth left. 159 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:50,444 All right, What do you think there, 160 00:06:50,444 --> 00:06:52,746 Mr. Witless For the prosecution? 161 00:06:52,746 --> 00:06:56,750 It appears that you And eddie gordon Signed an agreement 162 00:06:56,750 --> 00:06:59,753 Which may or may not Be binding. 163 00:06:59,753 --> 00:07:01,455 Oh, hey, tom, knock off The legalese, will you? 164 00:07:01,455 --> 00:07:03,390 Talk in a language We can understand here. 165 00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:04,892 You want to trust me Here, sam? 166 00:07:04,892 --> 00:07:06,894 This thing Will never hold up. 167 00:07:06,894 --> 00:07:08,529 You were drunk at The time, right? 168 00:07:08,529 --> 00:07:09,963 And besides, It's not a contract. 169 00:07:09,963 --> 00:07:11,465 It's a wager. 170 00:07:11,465 --> 00:07:12,866 You're gonna win This case easy. 171 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:14,768 Tom's right. Let this eddie Press his case. 172 00:07:14,768 --> 00:07:16,470 We'll engage An excellent lawyer 173 00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:19,507 And make a monkey Out of that man. 174 00:07:19,507 --> 00:07:20,774 Oh, boy. Oh. 175 00:07:20,774 --> 00:07:21,775 What? What's wrong? 176 00:07:21,775 --> 00:07:23,777 If you Don't trust tom, 177 00:07:23,777 --> 00:07:25,479 Get a second opinion. 178 00:07:25,479 --> 00:07:26,747 Yeah. 179 00:07:26,747 --> 00:07:30,217 No. I can't let eddie Take me to court. 180 00:07:30,217 --> 00:07:31,852 Why not? 181 00:07:31,852 --> 00:07:34,387 I'd have to stand up And testify I was drunk 182 00:07:34,387 --> 00:07:36,624 And made An idiot of myself. 183 00:07:36,624 --> 00:07:38,792 Are you worried About the publicity? 184 00:07:38,792 --> 00:07:41,795 Yeah. I mean, The press wasn't Exactly kind to me 185 00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,832 When I drank myself Out of baseball. 186 00:07:44,832 --> 00:07:46,800 I'd almost rather Lose the bar 187 00:07:46,800 --> 00:07:49,503 Than go through That humiliation again. 188 00:07:49,503 --> 00:07:50,838 Oh, sam. 189 00:07:50,838 --> 00:07:55,543 Quit acting human. It confuses me. 190 00:07:55,543 --> 00:07:56,944 I don't suppose you 191 00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:59,412 Could just go ahead And marry her, Could you? 192 00:07:59,412 --> 00:08:03,684 Oh, yeah. Find, meet, Woo jacqueline bisset In 2 days? 193 00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:07,287 Heh. Ah, it'd take At least a week. 194 00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:10,724 You kiddin' me? 5 workin' days tops, sam. 195 00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,459 Hey, wait, I got an idea. 196 00:08:12,459 --> 00:08:17,164 You mean you've actually Conceived something Besides a child? 197 00:08:17,164 --> 00:08:18,666 Whoo. Ooh. 198 00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:21,168 A bitter And unprovoked attack. 199 00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:23,203 I like it. 200 00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,905 What have you got? 201 00:08:24,905 --> 00:08:26,607 This thing here, It doesn't say anything 202 00:08:26,607 --> 00:08:30,410 About having to marry The jacqueline bisset, The movie actress. 203 00:08:30,410 --> 00:08:33,614 There's got to be More than one Jacqueline bisset 204 00:08:33,614 --> 00:08:35,115 In the world. 205 00:08:35,115 --> 00:08:37,918 Marry one of those, Win the bet, Get a quick divorce. 206 00:08:37,918 --> 00:08:40,921 Eddie won't be able To say a thing. 207 00:08:40,921 --> 00:08:42,623 You mean All I have to do 208 00:08:42,623 --> 00:08:44,424 Is find another Jacqueline bisset 209 00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:47,628 And marry her By tomorrow night? It can't be that simple. 210 00:08:47,628 --> 00:08:48,829 Uh, sam-- 211 00:08:48,829 --> 00:08:50,931 Hush, hush, hush. I'm thinking. 212 00:08:50,931 --> 00:08:54,635 Someone Note the date And the time. 213 00:08:54,635 --> 00:08:56,637 Guys, you Got to help me. 214 00:08:56,637 --> 00:08:59,640 We got to call information All over the country. 215 00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,508 Sammy, I think I can already Help you out there. 216 00:09:01,508 --> 00:09:03,176 At home I happen to have The phone books 217 00:09:03,176 --> 00:09:05,045 Of every metropolitan Area in the country. 218 00:09:05,045 --> 00:09:06,379 Why? 219 00:09:06,379 --> 00:09:07,615 Well, I'm one of Those people 220 00:09:07,615 --> 00:09:09,516 Who collect Phone book cover art. 221 00:09:09,516 --> 00:09:11,484 One of those. 222 00:09:11,484 --> 00:09:13,887 This is gonna be fun. We'll call all over The country 223 00:09:13,887 --> 00:09:15,989 And find anybody With the last name bisset, 224 00:09:15,989 --> 00:09:18,158 Ask if they have A relative named jacqueline, 225 00:09:18,158 --> 00:09:20,127 And then talk them Into coming up to boston. 226 00:09:20,127 --> 00:09:21,361 Are you with me? 227 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:23,163 Yeah! Yeah! 228 00:09:28,669 --> 00:09:32,239 So much For the sun belt. 229 00:09:32,239 --> 00:09:34,041 Norm, You philistine. 230 00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:36,209 You just put a fold In sunrise Over albuquerque. 231 00:09:36,209 --> 00:09:38,011 Hey, boys, Boys, boys. 232 00:09:38,011 --> 00:09:40,681 I would have thought There would be a few Jacqueline bissets around. 233 00:09:40,681 --> 00:09:42,850 It can't be That uncommon a name. 234 00:09:42,850 --> 00:09:44,584 Sam, I got A jacqueline bisset On the phone. 235 00:09:44,584 --> 00:09:45,953 Oh, pay dirt. 236 00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,688 She sounds Real sweet. 237 00:09:47,688 --> 00:09:49,122 There's Just one catch-- 238 00:09:49,122 --> 00:09:52,693 She's 93. She lives In a rest home In maine. 239 00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:54,327 So is she married? 240 00:09:54,327 --> 00:09:55,696 I didn't ask. 241 00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:56,697 Well, ask. 242 00:09:56,697 --> 00:09:58,131 Are you married? 243 00:09:58,131 --> 00:10:01,334 She's got a 94-year-old husband. 244 00:10:01,334 --> 00:10:03,436 Been married 73 years. 245 00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:04,504 Happy years? 246 00:10:04,504 --> 00:10:05,739 Oh! 247 00:10:07,741 --> 00:10:09,509 Sammy, just Talked to a man 248 00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:11,311 In green bank, West virginia. 249 00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:14,514 He's got a granddaughter Named jacqueline bisset, 250 00:10:14,514 --> 00:10:15,816 26 years old And unmarried. 251 00:10:15,816 --> 00:10:17,818 Well, that's great. Let me talk to her. 252 00:10:17,818 --> 00:10:20,520 No. I already did. Jackie Will be here tomorrow morning. 253 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,856 Hey, how Did you do it? 254 00:10:22,856 --> 00:10:24,124 A little ingenuity. You know, 255 00:10:24,124 --> 00:10:26,493 I told her she Won a trip to boston 256 00:10:26,493 --> 00:10:28,095 On a radio Game show. 257 00:10:28,095 --> 00:10:29,529 Yeah, so once She gets here, 258 00:10:29,529 --> 00:10:31,298 All you have to do Is convince her To marry you. 259 00:10:31,298 --> 00:10:33,133 I could Kiss you, man. 260 00:10:33,133 --> 00:10:35,102 Well, yeah, you can, But I warn you, 261 00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:39,272 You're not gonna get Anywhere. Ha ha--eh... 262 00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,108 I offered her A few prizes, too, sammy, 263 00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:43,143 To induce her To come up. 264 00:10:43,143 --> 00:10:44,678 That's good. Like what? 265 00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,680 Free round-trip airfare, First-class, 266 00:10:46,680 --> 00:10:48,381 Suite at the ritz, 267 00:10:48,381 --> 00:10:49,382 Free historical tour, 268 00:10:49,382 --> 00:10:50,650 Matched set Of luggage. 269 00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:53,320 Why didn't you Just offer a car? 270 00:10:53,320 --> 00:10:56,589 Well, I did, but she Took the cash instead. 271 00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:57,657 Only kidding, sammy. 272 00:10:57,657 --> 00:10:59,659 The point is She'll be here. 273 00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:03,263 You're right. My problems are over. 274 00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:05,966 Aren't you forgetting One important step? 275 00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:06,967 What? 276 00:11:06,967 --> 00:11:09,469 You still have to get her To marry you. 277 00:11:09,469 --> 00:11:10,838 Well, that's no problem. 278 00:11:10,838 --> 00:11:13,006 As soon as I get her Face to face, 279 00:11:13,006 --> 00:11:16,076 She'll fall Under the old sammy spell. 280 00:11:16,076 --> 00:11:17,344 You killer. 281 00:11:17,344 --> 00:11:18,478 Sam malone, 282 00:11:18,478 --> 00:11:20,613 Your vanity Knows no bounds. 283 00:11:20,613 --> 00:11:23,784 All the same, I guess I ought To wear something nice, 284 00:11:23,784 --> 00:11:25,385 My best outfit. 285 00:11:25,385 --> 00:11:28,789 Say, diane, When you dream of me, What am I wearing? 286 00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,858 An anthill. 287 00:11:47,474 --> 00:11:48,675 Congratulations, coach. 288 00:11:48,675 --> 00:11:50,543 I mean, All the weeks Of cramming, 289 00:11:50,543 --> 00:11:51,879 Burning The midnight oil, 290 00:11:51,879 --> 00:11:53,847 And drilling With your friends, 291 00:11:53,847 --> 00:11:55,548 I mean, It's all paid off. 292 00:11:55,548 --> 00:11:56,850 We're proud of you. 293 00:11:56,850 --> 00:11:58,551 Yeah, all right. Take care. 294 00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,553 Coach pass His driver's test? 295 00:12:00,553 --> 00:12:01,989 No, he found vermont. 296 00:12:05,558 --> 00:12:08,561 So when's your Ex-wife-to-be To be here? 297 00:12:08,561 --> 00:12:10,330 She's supposed To be here now. 298 00:12:10,330 --> 00:12:12,732 Cliff was supposed To pick her up at the Airport two hours ago. 299 00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:13,733 Are you all Ready for her? 300 00:12:13,733 --> 00:12:15,268 I don't know. 301 00:12:15,268 --> 00:12:16,536 What do you think? 302 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,906 Yes, any girl Would jump at the Chance to marry you. 303 00:12:18,906 --> 00:12:21,741 Sam, there is One problem, however. 304 00:12:21,741 --> 00:12:25,078 I believe I detect A hint of fresh air 305 00:12:25,078 --> 00:12:26,746 Cutting Through your cologne. 306 00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:28,315 Ooh, you're kidding? 307 00:12:28,315 --> 00:12:29,749 Must have missed 308 00:12:29,749 --> 00:12:32,752 A couple Of important Pulse points, huh? 309 00:12:32,752 --> 00:12:34,754 All right. Thank you. 310 00:12:34,754 --> 00:12:36,756 This is cheers, Miss bisset. 311 00:12:36,756 --> 00:12:38,525 That's sam malone. 312 00:12:39,793 --> 00:12:42,662 Well, he Is good-lookin'. 313 00:12:42,662 --> 00:12:45,866 The bad news Is he talks. 314 00:12:45,866 --> 00:12:47,100 Uh, sammy, Jackie bisset. 315 00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,568 Miss bisset, Sam malone. 316 00:12:48,568 --> 00:12:51,571 Oh, boy, Thank you for coming. Thank you for coming. 317 00:12:51,571 --> 00:12:53,406 Cliff, why don't you Set those bags down Right here. 318 00:12:53,406 --> 00:12:56,409 Why don't you Come sit by the bar? 319 00:12:56,409 --> 00:12:59,612 Listen, Did cliff explain Why we need you? 320 00:12:59,612 --> 00:13:00,914 Yes, he did, 321 00:13:00,914 --> 00:13:02,916 And I'm not Marrying anybody, 322 00:13:02,916 --> 00:13:04,918 Except in The usual way 323 00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:07,520 Where the groom Isn't a total Stranger. 324 00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:09,089 Well, I understand that, I understand that. 325 00:13:09,089 --> 00:13:11,591 But this isn't really Like a real marriage. 326 00:13:11,591 --> 00:13:13,927 I mean, just for a few hours Until I win a bet, 327 00:13:13,927 --> 00:13:16,429 Then we'll get it Annulled tomorrow. 328 00:13:16,429 --> 00:13:18,265 No fuss, no muss. Hey, listen, I tell you what, 329 00:13:18,265 --> 00:13:20,167 Why don't you just consider it A warm-up for the real thing. 330 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:23,971 Uh, no. I'm sorry. I'm just not interested. 331 00:13:23,971 --> 00:13:25,939 Listen, I almost Didn't make this trip 332 00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:29,309 When I thought It was a legitimate Contest. 333 00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,312 But, I said to myself, "Now, jackie bisset, 334 00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:35,282 Nothin' like this Is ever gonna happen To you again." 335 00:13:35,282 --> 00:13:38,051 And so, I kissed My dog smiley 336 00:13:38,051 --> 00:13:41,855 And waved good-bye to My pa, and here I am. 337 00:13:41,855 --> 00:13:43,423 Knock it off. 338 00:13:45,592 --> 00:13:47,961 You don't talk like that. 339 00:13:47,961 --> 00:13:52,966 Listen, I know this whole Thing's been handled In a very stupid way, 340 00:13:52,966 --> 00:13:54,134 Almost ridiculous, 341 00:13:54,134 --> 00:13:57,237 But I really am In a jam here. 342 00:13:57,237 --> 00:14:00,540 I tell you what. We promised you A guided tour. 343 00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,543 Why don't I take you For a ride around the city, Show you the sites, 344 00:14:03,543 --> 00:14:05,913 And I'll explain My whole story here. 345 00:14:05,913 --> 00:14:08,415 I know just the place To start, too--city hall, 346 00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:10,884 Very historic, and we Could get a marriage license. 347 00:14:10,884 --> 00:14:14,721 I really Don't think so. No. 348 00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:16,423 What's holding you up here? 349 00:14:16,423 --> 00:14:19,559 You have a chance to help One of the greatest guys In the world. 350 00:14:19,559 --> 00:14:21,228 I barely know him. 351 00:14:21,228 --> 00:14:23,630 Well, Let me fill you in. 352 00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,831 Anybody here 353 00:14:24,831 --> 00:14:27,634 Would do anything For this guy, right? 354 00:14:27,634 --> 00:14:29,636 Exactly. Sure. 355 00:14:29,636 --> 00:14:31,604 Look, look, Look, look. 356 00:14:31,604 --> 00:14:32,940 Just hear him out. 357 00:14:32,940 --> 00:14:35,442 Please. All right? 358 00:14:35,442 --> 00:14:37,945 Well, I never have Been to boston. 359 00:14:37,945 --> 00:14:41,081 I always Wanted to see it. 360 00:14:42,649 --> 00:14:43,783 Well, I tell you what, 361 00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,285 You tell me Your story, 362 00:14:45,285 --> 00:14:47,420 And I'll About think it. 363 00:14:47,420 --> 00:14:49,022 You got a deal. You're gonna love this. 364 00:14:49,022 --> 00:14:51,691 The sam malone Pre-nuptial tour. 365 00:14:51,691 --> 00:14:55,295 We'll start off with The u.S.S. Constitution, 366 00:14:55,295 --> 00:14:57,530 Then we'll go To the old north church, 367 00:14:57,530 --> 00:14:58,999 Paul revere's house, 368 00:14:58,999 --> 00:15:01,468 And then We'll top it off 369 00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:04,104 With the traditional Boston blood test. 370 00:15:05,472 --> 00:15:08,408 All those places Are right here In boston, huh? 371 00:15:08,408 --> 00:15:09,909 Yes, norman. 372 00:15:09,909 --> 00:15:11,578 This town is A veritable Treasure-trove 373 00:15:11,578 --> 00:15:12,912 Of historical monuments. 374 00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:15,215 That's Really something. 375 00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:18,251 And thousands Of people flock To boston 376 00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,919 Just to see All those sights 377 00:15:19,919 --> 00:15:22,722 And soak up a lot of American heritage, 378 00:15:22,722 --> 00:15:26,926 And I sit in a bar, Night after night, Guzzling beer. 379 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,661 Sad, isn't it? 380 00:15:28,661 --> 00:15:32,665 Yeah... But, hey, no one's Forcing them. 381 00:15:43,276 --> 00:15:45,178 My, it's getting late. 382 00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,080 Yeah, sammy must be Having a hard time 383 00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:48,448 Talking jackie Into it, huh? 384 00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:50,883 Yes, and if he doesn't Get back in a year, 385 00:15:50,883 --> 00:15:53,453 His cologne will wear off. 386 00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,888 I don't know Why he's going to So much trouble. 387 00:15:55,888 --> 00:15:58,891 I was discussing this case This morning with one Of my law professors. 388 00:15:58,891 --> 00:16:02,862 Yeah? Was that before or after He scratched himself And ate a banana? 389 00:16:02,862 --> 00:16:04,864 Are you Calling him an ape? 390 00:16:04,864 --> 00:16:06,366 You know something, Clavin? 391 00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:09,569 One of these days, Boy, I'm just going To... 392 00:16:09,569 --> 00:16:11,104 I don't know what! 393 00:16:11,104 --> 00:16:15,008 That man would Be magnificent In front of a jury. 394 00:16:16,376 --> 00:16:18,678 Oh, sam, Thank you so much. 395 00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:20,947 That was the most fun day Of my whole life. 396 00:16:20,947 --> 00:16:22,915 Well, I'm glad You enjoyed it. 397 00:16:22,915 --> 00:16:25,318 Why don't you sit here And I'll make you a little Cup of tea or something. 398 00:16:25,318 --> 00:16:27,587 Oh, boston is such A lovely city. 399 00:16:27,587 --> 00:16:28,688 Guess what. 400 00:16:28,688 --> 00:16:30,957 When we were on The constitution, 401 00:16:30,957 --> 00:16:32,892 Somebody recognized sam. 402 00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:35,228 I didn't know He was a celebrity. 403 00:16:35,228 --> 00:16:36,529 Cut the chitchat. 404 00:16:36,529 --> 00:16:39,666 Is mammy yokum Going to marry you Or not? 405 00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,170 Well, uh, She hasn't decided. 406 00:16:43,170 --> 00:16:45,905 What do you say, Jackie, huh? 407 00:16:45,905 --> 00:16:47,907 I don't know. 408 00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:49,542 Try to understand, sam. 409 00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,544 I always thought My wedding day 410 00:16:51,544 --> 00:16:55,582 Would be something really Beautiful and special. 411 00:16:55,582 --> 00:16:57,484 It will be. We'll get A minister. 412 00:16:57,484 --> 00:16:59,519 We'll have it Right here In the bar. 413 00:16:59,519 --> 00:17:02,322 In a bar? You think that's Beautiful and special? 414 00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:05,858 Maybe you're asking The wrong guy. 415 00:17:05,858 --> 00:17:08,161 It's quarter to 12:00. I don't have much time here. 416 00:17:08,161 --> 00:17:09,996 I hate to pressure you, But you're gonna have to 417 00:17:09,996 --> 00:17:11,331 Decide to go through With this now, 418 00:17:11,331 --> 00:17:13,333 Or I am gonna have to Think of something else. 419 00:17:13,333 --> 00:17:16,369 And he's already Thought once today. Right. 420 00:17:16,369 --> 00:17:18,871 This is all Happening so fast. 421 00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:21,374 Fast? It's been Eight hours. 422 00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,877 By the time I Knew my ex-husband That long, 423 00:17:24,877 --> 00:17:26,879 He'd already Cheated on me. 424 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,881 Well... 425 00:17:28,881 --> 00:17:31,384 I was always Raised to believe 426 00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:34,421 You should help people When you can. 427 00:17:35,388 --> 00:17:36,889 I'm getting married! 428 00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:37,890 Whoo! 429 00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:40,093 Yay! Yay! Yay! 430 00:17:40,093 --> 00:17:42,695 Do you mind If I call home first? 431 00:17:42,695 --> 00:17:45,898 I'd like to tell My pa about it. 432 00:17:45,898 --> 00:17:47,534 Sure. Use my office. 433 00:17:47,534 --> 00:17:50,570 Don't forget to tell Billie-joe-bob-jim. 434 00:17:50,570 --> 00:17:54,441 Don't take too long. We don't have much time. 435 00:17:54,441 --> 00:17:55,508 Oh, boy. 436 00:17:56,776 --> 00:17:59,246 Sam, I have dire news. 437 00:17:59,246 --> 00:18:00,713 Good or bad? 438 00:18:04,050 --> 00:18:06,219 That was justice Fiedler's secretary. 439 00:18:06,219 --> 00:18:08,988 The justice is Running a little late. 440 00:18:08,988 --> 00:18:10,690 Late: what the hell Has he got to do? 441 00:18:10,690 --> 00:18:12,625 Well, his wife's Having a baby. 442 00:18:12,625 --> 00:18:16,363 Well, so? His work was finished A long time ago. 443 00:18:16,363 --> 00:18:18,265 Sam! I'm sorry. What am I Supposed to do now? 444 00:18:18,265 --> 00:18:19,766 I mean, we don't have That much time 445 00:18:19,766 --> 00:18:21,401 To call somebody else. 446 00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:23,403 It's not like we get justices Of the peace and ministers 447 00:18:23,403 --> 00:18:25,372 Walking in this bar Every day. 448 00:18:25,372 --> 00:18:27,640 Don't be too Sure, my son. 449 00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:30,443 You, norman? 450 00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:33,246 Back in the sixties, I sent a dollar 451 00:18:33,246 --> 00:18:38,218 To one of those churches That advertise in the Back of "Rolling stone." 452 00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,619 And I'm An official minister 453 00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:42,522 Of the church Of the living desert. 454 00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:45,992 What? Did you want to Get out of the draft? 455 00:18:45,992 --> 00:18:49,262 No, no. We were Just goofin' around. Some friends and I 456 00:18:49,262 --> 00:18:51,164 Were over at The accounting club Getting high, 457 00:18:51,164 --> 00:18:53,533 Smelling adding machine Ribbons, you know? 458 00:18:53,533 --> 00:18:55,668 It seemed funny. I don't know. 459 00:18:55,668 --> 00:18:57,637 Of course, In that mindless state, 460 00:18:57,637 --> 00:19:00,773 Even this business Used to seem funny. 461 00:19:00,773 --> 00:19:02,742 Ha ha ha! 462 00:19:04,211 --> 00:19:06,012 It reminded me Of something else. 463 00:19:06,012 --> 00:19:07,647 Oh, hello. 464 00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:10,950 Oh, justice fiedler. Thank you for coming. 465 00:19:10,950 --> 00:19:15,021 Sorry I'm so late. I just became a father. 466 00:19:15,021 --> 00:19:16,589 Yeah, yeah, we're All thrilled. 467 00:19:16,589 --> 00:19:19,091 Now get your flabby Buns over here. 468 00:19:19,091 --> 00:19:20,593 Come on, we only got A few minutes. 469 00:19:20,593 --> 00:19:22,128 Carla, stay Out of this, will you? 470 00:19:22,128 --> 00:19:23,463 Here's your pulpit. 471 00:19:23,463 --> 00:19:24,631 Actually we are in Kind of a hurry. 472 00:19:24,631 --> 00:19:26,433 Could you Do this quickly? 473 00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:29,269 Yes. I see there's A certain urgency. 474 00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:32,272 By the way, it's A boy--9 pounds. 475 00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,207 Yeah, just what The world needed. 476 00:19:34,207 --> 00:19:36,409 Hello, everybody. 477 00:19:36,409 --> 00:19:38,044 You're just In time, eddie. 478 00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:39,446 Just in time For my wedding. 479 00:19:39,446 --> 00:19:41,881 I'm about to marry Jacqueline bisset. 480 00:19:41,881 --> 00:19:43,583 Aw, don't make me laugh. 481 00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:44,684 Come here. 482 00:19:44,684 --> 00:19:48,154 See her, the girl On the phone? 483 00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:51,758 Wow. Jacqueline bisset. 484 00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,526 What happened to her? 485 00:19:54,661 --> 00:19:55,995 She's not The movie star. 486 00:19:55,995 --> 00:19:57,330 Nobody said anything About that. 487 00:19:57,330 --> 00:19:58,731 The bet was Jacqueline bisset. 488 00:19:58,731 --> 00:20:00,333 And that's The lady's name. 489 00:20:00,333 --> 00:20:01,568 She's got lots Of I.D. To prove It, too. 490 00:20:01,568 --> 00:20:03,803 What is this, A trick? 491 00:20:03,803 --> 00:20:05,872 No, it's no trick. He's winning the bet. 492 00:20:05,872 --> 00:20:08,408 So why don't you Just call sam the winner And forget the whole thing. 493 00:20:08,408 --> 00:20:11,077 Are you actually Gonna marry that woman? 494 00:20:11,077 --> 00:20:12,512 You bet I am. 495 00:20:12,512 --> 00:20:14,414 This is the justice Of the peace, Mr. Fiedler. 496 00:20:14,414 --> 00:20:17,284 Yes. And father Of the miracle baby. 497 00:20:17,284 --> 00:20:19,952 Give it a rest, Will you? 498 00:20:19,952 --> 00:20:22,889 Look, sam, I don't know If it's necessary for you To go to all this trouble. 499 00:20:22,889 --> 00:20:25,525 Why, you mean You're gonna call The bet off? 500 00:20:25,525 --> 00:20:28,528 No, I think he has An arrangement in mind. 501 00:20:28,528 --> 00:20:31,831 That's right. Maybe you And I can work out some Kind of a settlement. 502 00:20:31,831 --> 00:20:34,401 That's what you've Been looking for All along, haven't you? 503 00:20:34,401 --> 00:20:35,768 Quiet, blondie. 504 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,704 Yeah. 505 00:20:37,704 --> 00:20:41,073 This is between Us men of the world. 506 00:20:41,073 --> 00:20:43,776 Now, I'll consider dropping The whole matter 507 00:20:43,776 --> 00:20:45,845 For maybe...5 grand. 508 00:20:45,845 --> 00:20:48,881 Absolutely not. You're getting Nothing from me. 509 00:20:48,881 --> 00:20:51,050 Ok, all right, sam. I'll consider us square 510 00:20:51,050 --> 00:20:53,553 If you give me And a date 511 00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:55,788 Free drinks for The rest of my life. 512 00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:56,789 Nope. 513 00:20:56,789 --> 00:20:58,024 Do it, sam. 514 00:20:58,024 --> 00:21:01,828 I'd like to see What would go out With him. 515 00:21:01,828 --> 00:21:03,496 Besides me, I mean. 516 00:21:03,496 --> 00:21:06,633 He kind of grows On you, you know. 517 00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,602 Free drinks for The rest of the year? 518 00:21:09,602 --> 00:21:11,604 Sorry. Absolutely not. 519 00:21:11,604 --> 00:21:13,806 All right, all right, Look, one on the house. 520 00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:15,241 Not a chance. 521 00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:17,043 Gee, come on, sam. 522 00:21:17,043 --> 00:21:20,380 How about one of those Olives with a pimento? 523 00:21:22,482 --> 00:21:24,050 You think about this 524 00:21:24,050 --> 00:21:27,019 The next time you shoot Your mouth off In some bar. 525 00:21:30,623 --> 00:21:33,292 Drinks on the house, huh? 526 00:21:39,632 --> 00:21:42,635 See how I always Land on my feet? 527 00:21:42,635 --> 00:21:45,037 Well, sometimes On somebody else's. 528 00:21:45,037 --> 00:21:48,274 Have you thought about What you've done To that poor girl. 529 00:21:48,274 --> 00:21:49,842 Which one? 530 00:21:49,842 --> 00:21:52,111 Jackie. 531 00:21:52,111 --> 00:21:53,780 Oh, jackie! That's right. 532 00:21:53,780 --> 00:21:55,247 She still thinks We're getting married, Doesn't she? 533 00:21:55,247 --> 00:21:56,983 Well, she didn't want To do it in the first place. 534 00:21:56,983 --> 00:21:58,117 That's all right. 535 00:21:58,117 --> 00:21:59,652 Sam. 536 00:21:59,652 --> 00:22:01,654 Did you see the look On her face? 537 00:22:01,654 --> 00:22:05,658 She's A simple girl from A rural environment 538 00:22:05,658 --> 00:22:07,660 Who finds herself In the big city Being entertained 539 00:22:07,660 --> 00:22:11,698 By a slightly Attractive Semicelebrity. 540 00:22:11,698 --> 00:22:14,467 How could her head Not be turned? 541 00:22:14,467 --> 00:22:18,605 Yeah, maybe you're right. Boy, you think I laid on The charm too thick? 542 00:22:18,605 --> 00:22:20,039 Yeah, but she's A farm girl. 543 00:22:20,039 --> 00:22:24,511 She's used To stepping Around such things. 544 00:22:26,045 --> 00:22:29,982 Sam, guess what. I told my pa All about this. 545 00:22:29,982 --> 00:22:33,085 And he's a baseball fan, And he remembers you... 546 00:22:33,085 --> 00:22:34,887 Sort of. 547 00:22:34,887 --> 00:22:38,090 That was the kind Of player I was. 548 00:22:38,090 --> 00:22:39,091 Isn't that Great, huh? 549 00:22:39,091 --> 00:22:40,827 Yeah, um, yeah... 550 00:22:40,827 --> 00:22:42,829 Boy, this is going To be sticky. 551 00:22:42,829 --> 00:22:45,264 Well, what are We waiting for? 552 00:22:45,264 --> 00:22:46,699 Well, uh... You know, when you... 553 00:22:46,699 --> 00:22:48,367 Why don't you do this? 554 00:22:48,367 --> 00:22:50,970 You're a little Smarter than I am. 555 00:22:50,970 --> 00:22:53,272 I'm a lot smarter Than you are. 556 00:22:53,272 --> 00:22:56,476 This paper napkin Is a little smarter. 557 00:23:00,713 --> 00:23:03,983 Jackie, there won't Be a wedding today. 558 00:23:03,983 --> 00:23:05,317 What about the bet? 559 00:23:05,317 --> 00:23:08,387 Well, the bet was called off. Sam gets to keep his bar. 560 00:23:08,387 --> 00:23:11,390 Oh...Oh, well, That's good. 561 00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:13,726 Yes. Jackie, Let's be honest-- 562 00:23:13,726 --> 00:23:17,396 Weren't you falling For sam just a little bit? 563 00:23:17,396 --> 00:23:19,699 Sam? Oh, no. 564 00:23:19,699 --> 00:23:22,869 Come on, now. He's A very attractive man. 565 00:23:22,869 --> 00:23:26,739 Yes, Almost as attractive As he thinks he is. 566 00:23:26,739 --> 00:23:28,741 He only time he stopped Complimenting himself All day 567 00:23:28,741 --> 00:23:32,011 Was to ask me If I wanted to. 568 00:23:33,079 --> 00:23:35,748 I like you. 569 00:23:35,748 --> 00:23:37,450 I like you, too, Diane. 570 00:23:37,450 --> 00:23:40,920 Say, you work here. You must see the girls Sam goes out with. 571 00:23:40,920 --> 00:23:44,991 What sort of girl Would fall for sam, Anyway? 572 00:23:47,059 --> 00:23:49,295 Pathetic wretches. 573 00:23:49,295 --> 00:23:51,864 It would have To be someone lacking In self-respect, 574 00:23:51,864 --> 00:23:55,101 As shallow as he is And empty-headed. 575 00:23:55,101 --> 00:23:56,669 Amen. 576 00:23:57,537 --> 00:23:59,572 So, uh, jackie, 577 00:23:59,572 --> 00:24:01,574 Is diane making You feel 578 00:24:01,574 --> 00:24:04,210 A little bit better About what happened? 579 00:24:04,210 --> 00:24:05,912 Yes, she is. 580 00:24:05,912 --> 00:24:07,614 Ah, good. You know, She'd be the one To understand. 581 00:24:07,614 --> 00:24:11,050 For a whole year, This little filly and I--oof! 582 00:24:13,419 --> 00:24:14,954 More tea? 583 00:24:14,954 --> 00:24:16,623 Oh, thank you. 42629

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