Original subtitles

Carla: hey, cheers is filmed Before a live studio audience.

Coach, you got The next round ready

For the ladies In the back room?

Almost, honey. Almost.

Ok. Aren't they A cute group--

"The golden 80s club?"

Yeah, a bunch Of old widows And spinsters

Get together And play connect The liver spots.

I agree with diane, carla. They're absolutely adorable.

Yeah. Carla: oh, coach,

You like anybody Who calls you "Sonny."

Yeah.

All set, diane. Mm-hmm.

Wow, this is Quite a load.

Well, I'll just Take 2 trips.

Ah, yes. Now there Is a nonprofessional For ya.

Last round, I got them All in one trip.

Ok.

One more beer.

Oh.

Like me To carry it For ya?

No. No problem.

I'll simply do As the noble women

Of primitive Tribal cultures

Have been doing For centuries.

I'll balance it On my noodle.

Those sweet Little old ladies Are gonna love this.

Wow, look! It's lawrence welk!

Diane: no, stop!

[glasses crash]

[women scream]

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away? *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be where Everybody knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are all the same *

* you wanna go where Everybody knows your name *

And you're wrong.

In your hat.

Uh, I, uh, kinda Lost track here, carla.

What round is this?

I can't count that high.

Just so we can Follow the fun,

What's this fight about?

We're not fighting, carla.

We're merely discussing A little difference Of opinion.

Vodka, rocks, 2.

I think sam Is a heartless, mindless, Slack-jawed cretin,

And he disagrees.

But I'm sure He'll see reason eventually.

Let me know When his head lights up.

As usual, you have to take A connecting flight To get to the point.

We were talkin' about The way you don't trust me, Motor mouth.

No, broken brow...

We settled that. You were proven wrong, And we moved on.

As I recall--

Sam, give me credit

For having Enough intelligence

To humiliate you In the right subject area.

My favorite couple-- Steve and idi amin.

Uh, afternoon, everybody.

All: norm!

Straight this way.

Normie, normie. Could this be vera?

Well, with a lot Of expensive surgery, maybe.

Norm: actually...

This is emily phillips, And, uh, she runs A little boutique downtown,

And I've just Taken them on as a client.

[all cheering]

Why are they so excited?

You told me you had Lots of clients.

Oh, just naturally Happy people here. Oh.

Yeah, they sing The livelong day.

Doo-da.

Hi, welcome to cheers. I'm sam malone. Hi.

Oh, thank you.

So, uh, what kind Of boutique is it?

Oh, it's just A little dress shop

Struggling to survive, Really, but, uh, Thanks to norm,

I'm gonna get A very healthy tax return.

Yeah, well, I just did a few Simple things.

For example,

She wasn't even, Uh, writing off

Her cockroaches As livestock. [laughs]

I'm so proud of us.

We women have taken our place In society as never before.

Working, doing, rising on merit Through the ranks.

We are taking our place Alongside of and in many cases

Above men.

Once exploited, Now we are equal.

Hey, honey, Shake it up.

I'm dry Over here!

Excuse me.

Oh, would you pardon me For a moment, norm?

I gotta call the shop. Sure.

You know, I really like This cheers place.

Do you come here often?

Well, uh, what do you Consider often?

Oh, 2 or 3 times a week.

Then I don't Come here often.

Can I have a beer, Coach, please?

Uh, hey, norm. You, uh, told her

You had a lot Of big clients, huh?

Yeah, 75. I figured 200 would Be stretchin' it

For someone workin' Out of the trunk Of his car.

Well, what's, uh, What's goin' on, now?

I mean, you, uh, Seem kind of friendly.

Ah. She brought Me in here

To celebrate The outstanding Work I did.

Oh, I don't know, norm. Uh, I kind of sense somethin' Between the two of you.

I could feel The temperature In here rise

When you two walked in.

Hey, norm. You're-- You're her new accountant.

Have, uh, have you Gone over her figure? [laughs]

Does she have Sizeable assets?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is she, uh, showin' you

A couple Of capital gains

That make you liquidate In your holdings?

[all laugh] All right.

It's all very well To be witty here,

But, uh, you guys Don't understand, You know?

She's, uh, just A very nice lady,

And she just wanted To bring me in here

To show me A little appreciation.

That's what you think, norm.

Haven't you noticed Those subtle little looks She's been shooting at you?

What do you mean?

Like you're a juicy steak Soon to be sizzling On her grill.

Shh!

Where do you Want to sit, norm?

Oh, that table Right there is fine.

What can I get you To drink?

Oh, I'm sure Whatever you have

Will be fine With me, norm.

Oh!

Oh, come on.

Don't be ridiculous.

I don't know.

Let's just submit this To our resident expert On women-ology.

Well, I don't Usually think of Myself that way.

I'd be happy to Share any thoughts I have with you.

So what do you Think, sam?

I think she's Scouting new Territory.

Norman, ignore These blatherskites.

They're just having Fun at your expense.

She's absolutely Right, normie.

The emptiness Of their lives

Causes them to cast Aspersions on your own.

You can say That again, coach.

No, I can't, diane.

Norm: I happen to know These guys are joking.

They know As well as you do

That if anything Did happen,

It would injure Irreparably

The special one You love.

Aw, come on, diane. I'd get over it In a couple weeks.

Look at the way She's looking At you, norm.

She is hot For your bod.

Here you go.

There you are.

I've been Getting lonely.

Would you excuse me Just for a moment, please?

You're right. The woman's a she-devil.

What am I gonna Do about it?

Well, the course Is clear, norm.

You're gonna Stand up tall,

Act like The man you are,

And submit To her every demand.

Thank you, cliff.

Now can I have An opinion from someone

Who's had a date This century?

Norm, you told her You were married, right?

Of course. She knows about vera.

I mentioned her At least a couple of times.

My wedding ring's Right out there For everyone to see--

That pawnshop On boylston street.

You see, norman? You see?

You're always Making these crass,

Adolescent jokes About vera,

And now it's getting You into trouble.

This woman probably Takes you seriously,

And now she thinks That you don't care About your wife.

Don't listen To her, norm.

How many chances Do you get? Go for it.

Patron: Be a man, Norm.

You people Are recommending

That norman Commit adultery.

It happens All the time, stick.

That's the way life is.

I'm telling you, the only Difference between dynasty And the real world

Is they got better haircuts.

What do you think, sam?

Norm, I think it's Stupid to jump into bed

With somebody You're working with.

Unh!

I--I didn't mean stupid In the unintelligent sense.

Don't mind sam. He's a little Depressed.

This is the year His age caught up With his I.Q.

That's years away.

Norm, norm, norm.

Look, look...

You find her Attractive?

Of course. She's very attractive.

Yeah, well, What if it was me She was attracted to?

I wouldn't be Wasting time

Hanging around Some bar talking To a bunch of jerks.

Yeah, norm. Do something. Come on.

Come on, Come on, come on!

Is anything Wrong, norm?

Hey, he's gonna Take care of you. Don't worry.

Just, uh, Just a second, emily.

All right, norm, Now, look,

If you're scared, I'll take charge of this.

I mean, with me, It won't be sinful.

Just unsightly.

Uh, look. If you're interested,

Strike while The iron is hot.

Norman,

Will you Do me a favor?

Yeah, yeah, what? What do you want?

Call vera.

Why?

Just do it. Call her and listen To her voice

Before you Rend asunder

The inviolate Garment of Your marriage.

Come on, diane.

Please, come on. Are you afraid, Norman?

You think I'm afraid To talk to my own wife?

All right.

Um, emily, uh, Be with you in a minute.

Quick, uh, Business call here.

Hello, vera. This is norm.

I'm at cheers. It's 8:05. Uh...

You need me, you've got The number here. Bye.

Norm, when'd you get The answering machine?

I didn't, coach. That was vera.

Norm...

Norman, I think that You better give the Lady what she wants.

She is a client. If you don't Come across,

She'sgonna drop you Like a bad habit.

Norman, has it Come to this?

Are you going To sell your virtue

To the first person Who buys you a drink In a bar?

If you were a woman, I think we'd have A name for you.

I kind of like "Becky."

I realize "Norma" Is closer--you just Have to add "U-h"--but...

Could everybody please Just back off for a second?

I mean, since when Does my private life

Become the subject Of public debate?

You backing out, norm?

Come on, Come on, guys. Lay off.

Ok, sam, ok.

Hey, norm, we were Just kidding with you.

We knew you really Wouldn't do it.

Yeah, we know what Kind of guy he is.

Patron: yeah, we know He wouldn't cheat on vera.

[guys make kissing sounds]

All right, All right. Norm, look...

We'll even sing Your wedding Song for you.

Ready, guys? Sure.

And...

* da da da da da da da, Yes, dear *

* da da da da da da da, Of course *

* da da da da da da da, Right away *

You guys think I'm the world's

Heavyweight Champion wuss, Don't you?

Unchallenged.

All right, Stand back And eat my dust.

Stormin' norman Is primed For love.

You, uh, Better hurry Up, norm.

She's on Her way out.

Hey, uh, hey, emily.

Hey, emily, Uh, wait up.

What, are you Trying to ditch me?

Look, norm, it's obvious That you'd rather be With your friends.

I just feel In the way here.

Look, that was rude. I-I'm sorry.

I'd just, uh, Like to make it up To you if I could.

No, it's ok.

No, uh, please.

Let me buy you Dinner or something.

That might be nice.

Thing is, though, I don't feel like Being around people anymore.

Yeah, me, neither.

I guess, um, I could Fix a little something Over at my place.

Sounds good.

Sam: norm, norm, norm...

Norm...

Just a sec.

You don't have to go Through with this if You don't want to.

I know, I know.

Just one question, sam.

Have there been Any innovations

In the women's undergarment Industry since 1965?

No.

Diane: Oh, I'm so disappointed In norman.

Diane...

The problem you're Having is just

A simple lack Of understanding

Of the male Of the species.

See, Man was not made To be monogamous.

It's an artificial, Unnatural phenomenon

Imposed From without.

See, the human male Can never have Enough women.

Or in your case, any.

Don't be Too hard on norm.

He hasn't had That much experience,

And he kind of Got swept away.

You know, it makes me Almost grateful

You've had The amount of experience You've had with women.

Oh, yeah?

Yes.

I think by now, Your curiosity Is satisfied,

Your inexplicable Lust sated.

If our relationship Remains

As strong and vital As it is now,

You'll have no need For sexual experience With another woman.

Oh, my god.

What do you mean, "Oh, my god"?

Uh, I just never Thought about that before.

My last woman.

You do agree, Don't you?

Uh, I don't know...

Why not?

Wha--hey, come on.

Something could happen To you, you know.

You could die or...

Go insane or...

What happens If you don't Age that well?

What would happen If I went down

In an airplane Over south america someplace

And was taken captive By a tribe of huge women...

Who made me Their sex slave?

Forced by high priestess Bettina and her handmaidens

To satisfy them Day after day after day.

Come on, Be realistic, diane.

My god, I just Thought of something.

What's that, coach?

What if vera calls And she wants to know Where normie is?

Tell her He stepped out.

That's kind of Flimsy, carla.

Ok, he went To a movie With you, coach.

Oh, yeah, that's nice.

Gee, norm and I Haven't been out together In a long time.

[phone ringing]

Ok, ok, I can't go through With it, mrs. Peterson.

Norm's out with a dame.

Gimme that!

Coach, uh, coach, If you were At the alamo,

We'd all be Wearing sombreros.

What?

Emily who?

Oh, yeah. Norm's dame.

Of course He isn't here.

I thought He was pitching woo With you.

You're kidding.

Oh, man. It figures.

What, what, what?

Yeah, yeah. I'll tell him To call you.

What?

You should Have known.

Norm chickened out.

Aw, come on.

What happened?

He dropped her off At her apartment

And went to park the car.

That was 2 hours ago, And she hasn't seen him since.

If he has any pride, He's killed himself.

Carla, he just came To his senses.

He came to his knees.

He did the decent, Honorable, and Moral thing.

Yeah, and we're gonna make him Pay for it the rest of his life.

Ok, quiet everybody. Here he comes.

Now just act like You don't know anything.

Yeah, and something Tells me you boys Can handle that.

Whew! She's an animal.

Good evening, everybody.

All: hi, norm!

Whew.

I'm spent.

Give me a beer, coach.

She, uh, she couldn't get Enough of you, huh, norm?

Cliffy, I had to climb Out the fire escape.

You gotta give us All the details, norm, And I mean details.

All right, But, uh...

Is everybody Over 21 here?

Norman, Don't do this.

Shut up and let The man talk.

Patron: so, come on, Normie. Give.

Well, I think this Just about says it all...

Whoa, now! Major hickey!

That's the only one I can show you in Mixed company, cliffy.

Norm,

I'd hate to see You make a fool Of yourself,

But emily called.

She wants more?

You know, that woman Is insatiable.

She wanted to know Where you were.

She said You didn't show up.

And everybody Here knows it.

Of course.

What do you Expect her to do, Brag about it?

I mean, only a crass Lowlife would do Something like that.

Let's you and me go back And talk in the pool room.

Sure. Big guy wants Some pointers now.

Sure, sammy. I'll fill you in.

What a pathetic Display.

I'm ashamed God made me a man.

I don't think God's doing

A lot of bragging About it, either.

I didn't even Have the guts To go in, sam.

I've been sitting Out in the car for The last 2 hours.

What about your hickey?

I got one Of those little Vacuum cleaners

In the glove Compartment.

Such a coward!

Oh, come on, norm.

Yeah, but...

Meaningless affairs Aren't all they're Cracked up to be.

I've had lots of them. Do you think that Made me happy?

Ecstatic.

Yeah, But that's me, norm.

You're a--you're A different kind of man.

You're telling me.

Sammy? Yeah?

Can I make a confession To you right now?

Oh, please don't. I--I got...

I love my wife.

Well, at least That's not as bad

As I thought It was going to be.

Yeah, well, Just wait a second. It gets worse.

Oh, god.

Vera is the only woman I've ever had.

Now, ahem, now, When you say, "Had," You mean--

Yes.

Oh, come on. Ha ha! Come on, man. Be serious.

I am.

Well, what's Wrong with that? What's wrong...

I mean, I don't even Want other women, sam.

All right, don't get me wrong. I get urges, ok?

If I acted On those urges,

I'd be no better Than a rutting pig.

A happy, singing, Dancing, rutting pig.

Well, I--I don't know what This all was about,

I mean, you make It sound like you're Confessing a crime here.

Come on, sam. People don't go Bragging around

How they love Their wives.

When was the last time You saw a bunch of guys

Sitting around a bar, Slamming beers,

Exchanging great tales Of marital bliss, huh?

So, those jokes About vera...

A bunch of baloney, Huh?

I mean, you--you Really love her, huh?

Of course I do.

Most of them Aren't even true, you know,

Like that one About the tentacles? Yeah?

Well, I can Only speak For myself here,

But I think That's wonderful.

Underarm.

Yeah, you know, You may not Believe me, but I...

I envy you.

You envy me? Yeah, I do.

I used to think That the more women I conquered,

The more it'd Make me a man.

But now I guess...

I'm just looking For the right one.

And now you've Found diane.

That's right.

Boy, when they made her, They broke the mold.

They tried to pretend Like it was an accident.

Ha ha ha ha ha!

See...There, You're doing it.

You're doing it, Too, you see? And you know why?

Well, norm-- Because you're A guy, you see?

And deep down, We're all terrified Of being wusses.

Yeah.

Now, someone's Got to pay for that.

It might as well Be the women.

Amen!

I'm terribly sorry, But I couldn't help Overhearing what you just said.

How much?

Well, everything.

See, I discovered Accidentally

If you go into the first stall In the women's room,

Wet your ear, and jam it Up against the wall,

You can hear The occasional word. Just be glad I did.

Listen to me...

Now, norman, I have something To say to you

Because I can help you.

And I want to say It to your face.

You are A ladies' man.

I am? Yes.

You're a one-woman man, And every woman loves And respects that.

I don't think You should live Your life in deference

To what some Beer-swilling swine Think.

Gee, I always have.

Norman, They are unhappy

With their marriages Or lack thereof,

And they're Waiting out there

For you To throw yours away

And lower yourself To their level.

Ugh! I hate them. God, I hate them!

Me, too.

I tell you, It's time I faced up to it.

My marriage Is my most Prized possession.

And next to My honda civic, My only possession.

I happen to love My wife, and I don't Care who knows it.

All right. Hey, man...

Hey! Hey, you guys! Listen up out here!

I happen To love my wife!

I'm not about To throw away 11 years of marriage!

Patron: Aw, isn't he sweet?

Norm: hey, come on. Let me finish, will you?

Come on, norman, Stand up to 'em.

Come on, man.

Norm: hey, I'm not Gonna throw away 11 years of marriage.

I'm looking for someone To haul it away!

Let me tell you a little bit About my honeymoon suite,

Or, as I call it, The dead zone.

Hey, wanna see An impression of my wife,

Vera peterson, In the dentist's office?

Where's my jacket? This is gonna be good.

Oh, shut up.

[falsetto] Doctor, would you Please clean my face?

Do you believe this?

Just a second. I don't want To miss this.