Original subtitles

"Cheers" is filmed before A live studio audience.

Hey, everybody.

Hey, sammy!

Oh, sam.

Yeah, What, coach?

Listen, I think I found the answer

To all the robberies In this neighborhood.

Coach, don't worry About it. I'm gonna Get an alarm.

No, no. This is much better.

This friend of mine Has this huge, I mean, Gigantic attack dog.

Bu he's gotten so mean lately, He can't handle him.

That would be perfect Protection for us From burglars.

Coach, maybe so, But what are we Gonna do with one?

I mean, where are we Gonna keep a dog?

[growling]

I figured the office.

[woof woof]

[scratching]

He's vicious!

Coach, get that dog The hell out of here.

How?

I don't know how. How did you get it in Here in the first place?

He was in a cage When they brought him in.

I think he ate it.

This is ridiculous.

How am I gonna use My office?

Excuse me, sammy. What?

In my profession, You become accustomed

To dealing with bellicose Canine personalities.

Allow me.

What are you Going to do, Mace him?

No, no, carla, That's much too cruel.

I find In dealing with animals,

It's better To be kind, yet firm.

[growling]

Sit!

He is sitting, Cliff.

Nuke the beast, sam.

* makin' your way In the world today *

* takes everything You've got *

* takin' a break From all your worries *

* sure would help a lot *

* wouldn't you like To get away? *

* sometimes You wanna go *

* where everybody Knows your name *

* and they're always Glad you came *

* you wanna be Where you can see *

* our troubles Are all the same *

* you wanna be where Everybody knows your name *

* you wanna go Where people know *

* people are all the same *

* you wanna go where Everybody knows your name *

Gee, sam, I'm so sorry.

Coach, Get on the phone.

I want the owner Over here to get The dog out of here.

The owner. The phone.

Hello, everyone.

[carla] goody. Diane is here.

This is heather landon,

My oldest friend.

Meet her This morning?

That's carla.

She likes a little Witty repartee.

She's just Not capable of it.

Heather, I want you To meet someone else...

Right over here.

Coach ernie pantuso.

How do you do, Mr. Pantuso?

Hi, heather. Listen, You can call me coach Or by my other nickname.

What other nickname?

Satchmo.

Coach, you're thinking Of louis armstrong.

No, but I like that Even better.

Can I get you Something To drink, honey?

Oh, um...Coffee?

Thank you.

Now, down here,

These two gentlemen Are cliff and norman,

Two of our most Regular regulars.

Hi.

Hiya. Pleased to do you.

I mean, uh... How do I meet me?

I, uh... Ah, forget it.

Smooth, cliff.

I hate her.

I love this place. It's got a great feeling.

Yeah, I knew You'd like it.

Sam, I tried reaching The owner. No answer.

O.K. Thank you, coach.

You can call me Louis armstrong.

That must Be your sammykins.

He's gorgeous. He's just as You described him.

Hey.

Hi.

But you didn't do justice To his cologne.

And you Wanted me to switch.

See?

Heather landon,

Meet sam "I reek, Therefore I am" malone.

How do you do?

Oh, heather. Heather.

I've heard diane Babble about you A lot.

You grew up Together, right?

Well, practically. We were In grade school together.

Heather hasn't Changed a bit.

Must have been Some grade school.

She just moved into Town. Isn't that Wonderful?

That's great.

I have to warn you, When we get together, We get a little goofy.

I should have bought One of those big Goofies.

I hear They're on sale.

Oh, cute and funny.

You got lucky This time, diane.

Look at that, norm, Just like the rest of them.

Hung up on looks, Personality, and style.

Sam...

Heather and I Were best friends In fourth grade.

We always Got in trouble.

I've hate to tell you Some of the things She got me to do...

Remember The prank phone calls?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. Ahem.

This is the wtrm Radio contest.

For a trip To hawaii,

Name three cars That start with "P."

Go ahead.

Porsche, plymouth, And pontiac.

No, I'm sorry. Those cars Start with gas.

Har har.

It's pathetic.

Come on, heather, I'll Show you the place.

It was nice Meeting you, sam.

I'm just sorry Diane got to you first.

Yeah, I often regret There's so many women Out there

And only one of me.

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

What's wrong, sam?

Are you kidding me? You didn't see that?

See what?

What are you Talking about?

Guys, diane's best friend Just came on to me.

You're crazy.

You're with diane, So she thinks You're safe.

Forget about What she's saying.

I'm talking About vibrations here.

Listen, I know women.

Diane's friend wants me.

All right, I know A thing or 2 here.

I've had experience With this sort Of thing.

You, norm?

Yeah.

When I was Dating vera,

Her little sister Always used to Prance around

Wearing nothing But a bikini

Or flimsy little Shorts or something.

Yeah, she used to Sit in my lap,

Make little jokes, Whisper in my ear How sexy I was.

So I did it. I went Ahead and asked Her out.

She turned me down Flat.

Vera knows this?

Yeah, she was there At the time. She was Really furious.

I bet she was. I'm surprised she Even married you.

Yeah, well, The ceremony was In progress.

Really wasn't much To do about it.

No, no. Look, I know what you guys Are talking about.

There's a lot more Going on here. Just trust me.

Come on, sam, she seems Like such a sweet kid.

Yeah.

Yes, well, just as Every good author

Has had to work Among the common people

For material.

Ooh, muscles.

Yeah, I think sammy's Onto something here.

The woman's Obviously a vixen.

Look, she's undressing Every man in the bar

With her eyes Right now.

No wonder I felt Such a chill.

Well, that's Our little pub.

Oh, diane, she hasn't Seen all of it yet.

You didn't show her Sam's office.

Oh, right.

No, carla!

Get her!

[growling]

Aah! Aah!

Just some of that Witty repartee you love.

Carla, that was A lousy thing to do.

What the hell Is that?

Uh, it's an attack dog

A friend of mine Gave me, diane.

He's good, huh?

Excellent.

Coach, get On the phone right away.

The phone.

Diane, are you All right?

Oh, yes. You trained me well.

Listen, I've really Got to be going.

Oh, right.

But you and I and sam Will have dinner tonight.

I'm going to cook.

Why?

Well, to celebrate.

Now that heather's Going to be living here,

I want the three of us To become really Good friends.

And I have a special Recipe to try--

My own veal oscar.

That's the award you get

If you can Act like you like it.

Heather, would you Mind hanging on here Just for a second?

A second?

I want to talk To diane in private.

Oh, sure, sure. Oh, I know what You're going to do.

[imitates kissing]

I'll finish my coffee. Ok, all right.

Sam, no answer yet. Yeah, what?

Just keep trying. Keep trying.

Look, sweetheart--

Grrr!

Hey, hey, come on.

Listen, Heather's o.K. And all,

But, uh, I don't think

We should hang out Together too much If you don't mind.

Why not?

Well, I just don't think The 2 of us hit it off That well.

Oh, You hit it off great.

She said She's nuts about you.

Oh, yeah, I'll bet she did. I'll bet she did.

Listen, I didn't Want to have To tell you this

Because you're pals And all,

But she's coming on To me gangbusters.

What are you looking At me like that for?

I can't believe You're saying this.

Well, I'll tell you Something else, I need A little help here

Because I don't have That much experience Saying no to women.

The closest I've ever gotten

Is, "Not now. We're landing."

Hey, I'm just Telling you this

Because I think you ought To keep the 2 of us apart, That's all.

What?

This is staggering.

Do you think that Every woman you see

Is attracted to you?

Honey, I've had enough Women come on to me

To know When it's happening, And it's happening.

I guess there's Only one way To convince you.

Heather.

W-wait a minute.

What are you doing? Diane, whoa.

I'm going to ask her.

On, on, please Don't do that!

I'm sorry If it embarrasses you,

But it serves you right.

Heather.

Honey, I'm sorry if this will Make you uncomfortable,

But I want this Out of the way

So that the three of us Can proceed

To form A lasting friendship.

Sam just now mistook Your innocent flirtation

For a sexual overture.

Oh.

Will you Explain to him Your real feelings?

Certainly.

Sam, I want you, And I don't care Who knows it.

What?

Gotcha!

You're very attractive, sam, But for me to give up my Friendship with diane,

You'd have to be rich, too.

See you tonight For dinner. Bye.

See you later.

No, ma'am. I'm sorry.

Those cars Start with gas.

Let's call Your mother now.

Get out of here!

Whitey, whitey, Whitey, whitey, whitey,

You're making a mistake.

What do you mean?

That so-called Friend of yours Is hot for sam.

You, too? Everyone Here is insane.

Why would you Think that?

'cause sam thinks it.

Not anymore, he doesn't.

I trust His first instincts.

When it comes To dames,

Sam's got, Like, an antenna

That picks up things That you and I miss.

It's like when dogs and cats Know an earthquake's coming.

Nobody could Explain that.

Well, that's Simple, carla.

You see, there are Fissures and cracks In the surface...

Of your brain.

Please, don't Distract diane From her suffering.

Diane, believe me, You're being dense.

If sam says that woman Is hot for him,

Bank on it.

Oh, it's ludicrous.

You know, the more I think about this,

The more I'm looking Forward to tonight.

I've never had A woman just as A friend before.

I think this will be Really good for me.

Tonight?

Yeah. Tonight, remember?

You're cooking That oscar mayer thingy.

Veal oscar.

Sam, I've had Second thoughts About that.

Did you know that veal Comes from baby cows?

If you think That I would take part

In such a senseless Slaughter, I--

Hey, have Whatever you want. Open a can of beans.

The important thing is Getting to know heather.

I think just being Friends with a sexy Woman like heather

Is a big step In my maturity.

Hey, sam? Yeah?

We got to get Into that office To get stock.

We're running out of gin,

And the kahlua martinis Aren't moving.

You know, it's not right To ask you to dinner

When you've got so much On your mind.

You know, The dog and everything.

Don't worry About the dog.

I'll take care of The dog right now.

One step ahead Of you, sammy.

I'm mixing a complimentary Cocktail for the mutt.

All right.

I finally got hold Of the owner, sam,

And he said booze Calms him right down.

Oh, good.

I just hope The guy's thirsty.

Be careful.

[growling]

[sniffing]

[drinking]

[panting]

[woof]

[thud]

Oh, look at him. Aw.

He's just A big puppy dog.

Whoa, whoa!

Yes, you're a big Doggy. Yes, you are.

There's only One problem, sam.

Yeah, what?

The owner said Booze makes the dog Very amorous.

Oh, yeah?

[norm] Aw, good boy. Yes, he is.

He's a good boy.

Hey, Not that good! Whoa! Hey!

[knock on door]

Come on in, heather.

Hi.

Hi.

Oh, something Smells great.

Why, thank you.

Dinner's almost ready.

Make yourself at home.

All right. Thank you.

Well, what Do you think?

About what?

About this dress. I just bought it today.

I saw it, and I Had to have it.

Why did you buy a dress Today of all days?

You come into the bar, You meet everybody,

And go out and get A "Come get me" dress?

Explain yourself.

I just saw it today.

Oh.

Of course.

You did what anyone In your position Would have done.

Diane, is everything All right?

Yes, yes.

You sure?

Yes, of course.

Back to work.

I sure like sam.

Slut!

What?

I--I said, uh, Thanks a lot.

Oh. Oh.

You're welcome.

[knock on door]

Sam?

Malone. One for dinner.

Do you have Reservations?

Plenty of them,

But I came anyway.

How are you doing? Oh, here you go.

Oh, nice. Thanks.

Hey, buddy.

Hey, sam. How you doing?

Listen, I want to apologize For this afternoon.

I was a little-- I was a little crazy.

Here you go.

I think The three of us

Are gonna be real Good friends now.

Don't you think?

Yeah, I think so, too.

Yeah, me, too.

Let's get To dinner.

Whoa. What's the rush?

Well, the sooner We begin,

The sooner We can finish,

And then we can Be finished.

Ahh.

Isn't friendship Great?

Yeah.

What's that saying About friends and lovers?

Oh, yeah. "Friends and lovers--

Don't leave home Without them."

Very funny!

Yeah. Wait A minute.

You're ticklish.

Oh, you are!

Will you--

No! Please!

Dinnertime!

You don't Have to shout.

We can hear you, You know?

Yes, of course.

Hunger makes me Want to shout.

Well, come on.

Whoa.

Sorry I don't have Place cards.

Oh, that's all right. We'll just put sam In the middle

So we can share him.

Okey-doke.

Excusez-moi.

I think This is gonna be great,

Just the three of us.

Three good friends.

Yeah, like porthos, Athos, and aramis.

There you go.

I don't think Sam knows That reference.

Hey, I may not Read books,

But I know good music.

Supremes, right?

Fabulous.

Hey. Yeah, sometimes I surprise her.

I bet you do.

O.K., well, Here we go.

Hope you didn't Have spaghetti For lunch.

I thought we were Having veal oscar.

There are remnants Of it in the sauce.

I thought we weren't going To do anything with veal.

Um, well, This sucker Was already dead.

Well, it looks Divine, diane.

Aw, thanks.

Bon appetit.

Oh, diane, remember The way we used to eat "Pasghetti" when we were kids?

No.

Like this.

Oh, that was good.

That was good.

All right, Let me try.

You got some sauce On your blouse there.

Oh.

Thanks for Your discretion.

This is Wonderful spaghetti.

Mmm.

Mmm.

And the pasta is cooked Just perfectly.

Oh, yeah.

It's firm, yet it Yields to the bite.

That's exactly the way It should be.

Here, take a bite Off the end of this.

Oh, yeah, that's good. Here, try mine.

Oh, yours?

There you go.

Oh, yours is good, too.

Mmm! Oh, boy.

Oh...

What?

Mmm. This garlic bread Is magnificent.

Yeah, I'll--

Wait. Have some of mine.

Ooh, hot, hot, hot!

You don't even Have to chew it.

You set it In your mouth, And it melts.

Boy, yeah. Good eats. Good eats.

Oh, you have A little sauce

Right there in the--

Here?

Don't want To waste it.

The other side there.

Hmm? Hmm?

Stop it!

Stop it right now! I mean it, heather!

What?

What? You know what.

You know perfectly Well what.

You think I don't know What's going on here?

Spaghetti, sauce, Bread--

Have you no shame?

Now what the hell's The matter with you?

I know what That was all about.

You think I don't know What noodles mean

In sexual lingo?

And sauce?

I read my freud.

Diane, we were just Enjoying the meal.

Oh, don't Give me that.

That meal's Inedible.

You know something,

You're doing The same thing I did This afternoon,

And you called me nuts.

No, sam, It's all right.

It's not surprising.

It's just I'm A very sort of friendly And outgoing person.

Sometimes people Misinterpret it.

I'm just very surprised It came from you, diane.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, heather.

What am I saying?

I must really Be paranoid, Mustn't I?

No.

It's happened To me before.

It's happened To everyone before.

Heather...

I'm so sorry.

She didn't mean it, Heather.

How can you Be eating now?

I've eaten through Worse than this.

Well...

Goodbye.

Heather, Where are you going?

You're not leaving, Are you?

Well, Paranoid or not,

I'm obviously Making diane Uncomfortable.

Honestly, no!

Our friendship Is the most important Friendship in my life,

And I would never, Never do anything

To intentionally Hurt it.

Please forgive me And stay.

Oh, of course.

Couldn't throw away 20 years.

Aw, that's beautiful.

I just want To thank you

For letting me Be part of this. That was very sweet.

Oh, sam.

You are so sweet.

Aw, hey, well...

Yeah. Hey.