Original subtitles

Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Oh, oh, Sam, let me have the TV control.

Hup! Hey!

What are you going to watch?

There's something extraordinary

on television right now. Whoa! Whoa!

What's up there? The game on, huh?

What is it, the Bruins?

I didn't read anything in the paper.

Shh...!

I think the lady singing the anthem is loaded.

Diane, what the hell is this?

Wagner's Ring Of The Nibelungen.

The complete cycle: Das Rheingold,

the Valkyrie,

Siegfried, and finally, Gotterdammerung.

Well, I hope they don't use that canned laughter.

No, Coach, it's not a comedy.

This is opera.

Oh.

I'll explain as we proceed.

Now, this is the story of a golden ring

with magical powers that curses anyone who owns it.

Hey, hey, hey, wait, wait, wait.

They had that same story on Scooby-Doo Saturday morning.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, but the...

the dog sang a little better than that.

Come on, you guys!

Now, give it a chance.

Now, the first three hours...

Hey, hey, hey, hey!

I put up with your sporting events...

it's time that you returned the favor.

After ten minutes, if you aren't totally mesmerized

by its beauty, I will turn it off.

Ten minutes, huh?

Fine. Okay, okay.

Very fine.

Culture's wasted on you.

Oxygen is wasted on you.

You know, that was not a very nice thing to do to Diane.

Sam's got a point there.

Well, she has watched a lot of sports.

All right, all right. Let's give it another shot.

Come on, come.

Aah! Oh, man

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Coach, I'm going to be in the back checking the wine.

Okay, Sam.

Would you like to join me

in this quiet, empty, dimly lit...

Ah, much like your mind.

So, what do you say?

Sam, you talk a lot about our having a dalliance

but I've always been told that barking dogs don't bite.

Biting... is that what you're into?

Do you know what bothers me?

There are women upon whom this works,

and they're allowed to vote and drive cars.

So, what do you say?

Fred and Ginger are taking a little break,

but they'll be back to nauseate you later on.

Gee, Eddy, it really is...

It's been really nice talking to you.

Oh, by the way, Eddy, did I tell you

that my wife passed away sometime ago?

Yeah. Oh, oh, thanks, Eddy.

I really appreciate that.

Is your wife dead yet, Ed?

That's good, really.

Listen, Eddie, I want to thank you

for thinking about me, and I'll get back to you.

So long, pal.

What is it, Coach?

Pal of mine, Eddy Fuentes...

He manages in the winter leagues down in Venezuela.

He says if I can learn Spanish,

he might have a job for me, coaching.

You mean, you're going to return to coaching, Coach?

Yeah, Carla. Baseball's so much simpler than life, you know?

In baseball, I always know where I'm at, right?

We're up, I'm in the coach's box.

They're up, I'm in the dugout.

The game is over, I hit the head

get a cheeseburger.

Sounds like a great life, Coach.

It's terrific.

You know any Spanish there, Coach?

Yeah, Cliff, I took some courses for a couple of days

just to learn a few phrases, you know?

Oh, yeah? Like what?

Like, "How tall is my dentist?"

and "Is that really your sister?"

Just enough to get by.

You're gonna to do fine, Coach.

Thanks, Cliff.

Interesting, interesting.

That was Sam's brother.

He's on his way over.

Sam's brother? Yeah.

Didn't know he had one. Me, either.

He didn't tell any of you?

Coach?

¿Si?

Did you know Sam has a brother?

Of course I know he had a brother.

He hates him.

Why's he hate him?

He was cruel to him.

When Sam was a kid, he used to shove his head underwater.

Ugh! Hey, wait a minute.

That was my brother.

Come to think of it, that was my head.

Coach, don't Sam and his brother spend any time together?

Oh, they get together whenever he's in town,

but he's never been to Cheers.

Well, he's coming now and someone has to tell Sam.

Let me do it.

I'm a smoothie about breaking bad news.

Yeah? Sam, your apartment burned down.

You lost everything.

Oh, my God. Really?

No, no, no.

Your brother's in town; he's on his way over.

It makes you feel better, doesn't it?

I hate it when you do that, Coach.

Oh, come on, Sam.

It cushions the blow.

My, uh, my brother's in town, huh?

I took the call.

He was just leaving his hotel.

Oh, good.

Did you tell him I was here?

Of course.

I had no idea this would be a problem.

No, no problem.

My brother's coming over.

I love my brother.

That's not what I heard.

Maybe you ought to step in here for a minute

and let me show you something I triumphed over.

Don't tell me you finally mastered the stapler.

Uh, sit down, sit down.

See, what they were talking about out there is,

I used to have this problem

with my brother Derek who's kind of a...

What do you call it? An inferiority complex.

But that was a long time ago, and... I conquered it.

Yeah, here it is.

Yeah, this is the guy that used to make me feel like nothing.

Wow.

Wow what?

Well, he's very nice-looking.

He'd be even better if he had his two front teeth.

No, I blacked those out myself.

That was before I got over my problem.

The interesting thing here

is that I didn't go to any psychiatrist.

I didn't read any of your fancy books.

I just sat myself down;

I said, "Hey, my brother's no better than I am."

Pow.

I'm sure you're right.

What's he do for a living?

He's an... international lawyer.

Oh, wow.

Hey, it so happens

I, uh, come from a very intelligent family.

Yeah, I guess, uh,

Derek does okay for himself.

He must make, uh, 50, 60 grand a year.

Oh, are you kidding?

Those guys make ten times that much.

Wow. Uh...

Yeah, but it's the, uh... it's the job.

Last year he traveled so much, he had to buy his own plane.

What kind of life is that?

The poor wretch.

Uh, who am I kidding?

The guy's better at everything than I am.

I mean, he-he's perfect.

Oh, Sam.

He's... maybe a man of some accomplishment,

but this all sounds like a younger brother

idealizing his older sibling.

Hmm.

You think so? Sure.

He's just an ordinary Joe.

Can I keep this?

You must have a sense of humor about these things.

Yeah, maybe you're right.

I guess if I... if I looked at it right,

it could be funny.

Sure.

Maybe one less tooth and a mustache. Yeah.

Sam, a nuclear bomb just hit Boston.

What?

Derek's here. Derek's here.

They're catching on.

Listen, wait, wait.

Uh...

I don't want you to worry about me.

Uh, I'm used to, uh,

living around Mr. Wonderful all my life.

It's no big deal.

It's just that, uh, whenever he's in the room,

I kind of feel invisible.

Oh, Sam.

I don't pay you a lot of compliments,

but I really don't feel you have any need

to feel inferior to anyone.

Well, thank you.

That's very nice.

♪ Never, never to know... ♪

Ooh, nice voice.

Who's that?

Guess.

Oh, really?

♪ How I love you ♪

♪ If I loved you! ♪

Oh!

Oh, way to go, Derek!

Can we get this man a beer, please?

Let's buy him a beer.

Oh, I'll get it! I'll get it!

Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. I didn't see you.

Derek.

Hey, Derek, how about a beer?

No. No, no, thank you, Norm.

What a guy.

Can I catch a beer, Sammy?

Where are my waitresses?

I didn't have the heart to pull them away from the show.

The show?

Yeah, Derek's doing trick pool shots back there.

Must have had fun growing up with him, Sam.

Yeah.

Do you have any idea what kind of gift I could get for Derek?

Gift?

Yeah, I feel I should get him something.

I mean, the guy did get me a job.

He got you a job tonight?

After all those months you've been looking for one?

Not just a job, Sammy.

He got me a great job.

For the first time, I'm going to have my own parking space.

Got a secretary.

Got a window for water bombs.

All the perks.

Well, good for you, Norm.

That's great.

So, uh,

what can I get him?

I really don't care

what you get him.

Get him a tie.

Sure.

I wouldn't dare buy clothes for that guy.

He has his lint made in England.

Hey, Norm.

Norm, come on.

Hurry up.

He's going to do some tap dancing for us.

Yeah? All right.

Hey!

Hey, you two!

Come on back here.

We got a rich guy

tap dancing back here.

Go, Derek!

All right.

Whoa!

Whoa, Sammy!

Your brother is one good-looking guy.

You ever hear Derek say anything

about being a sucker for suave, fertile Mediterranean types?

'Fraid not, Carla.

Figured.

Let me have a couple of Heinekens

and a couple of Lowenbraus.

So how come your brother has

all that, um, beautiful curly

blond hair, and those deep blue eyes, huh?

Oh, are they blue?

Like Windex.

Boy, sounds like the stick lady's

having a good time, doesn't it?

Is that Diane's laugh?

I thought they were killing chickens back there.

Yeah.

You know, it really got to her when he told her

about that time in Paris when he got drunk with Anais Nin.

Wow.

Really?

Yep.

I was hoping you'd know.

Yeah. Derek's always been like that.

Always had to have the spotlight.

Had to be the center of attention.

Yeah, well, you know, if it's any consolation to you, Sam,

I know how you feel.

I got a sister who's got me beat in every way.

She's five-foot-two,

her husband never has a drink until noon,

and she's a beautician.

I mean, how do you compete with that?

But after a while,

I said to myself, "To hell with her. I'm me."

What you're trying to say is, I'm as good as my brother?

Are you kidding?

You're not even as good as my sister.

But I still like you best, Sam.

That makes two of us.

Hey, uh,

Carla, wait a minute.

What do you think?

Uh...

You think Diane likes Derek?

"Does Diane like Derek?"

I don't know, Sammy.

I'll pass her a note in gym.

Hey, no, no.

Come on, come on. I'm serious.

I mean, I know what my brother's like around women

and I know Diane...

You know something, Sammy?

I used to admire you.

But you know what's happened to you ever since she got here?

You've turned into a big weenie.

You're a dink, a wimp, a Fred, a loser.

Well, thank you very much, Carla.

I was having a little bit of a confidence problem

but that's been a real boost.

Well, you know, just a few weeks ago,

you were making time

with every foxy lady in Boston,

on your way to legendary status.

I mean, Sammy, you were heading for the Hounds Hall of Fame.

Then Lady Fish-Face walked in the door.

What's going on here?

Aah, I don't know, Carla.

It's driving me nuts.

Or maybe she's playing hard to get.

But hard to get for me used to mean

I'd have to sit through dinner.

Yeah.

Well, if you can't get to her, no one can.

What about Derek?

Oh, in a minute.

Don't worry.

He's got better taste than that.

Sam!

Compadre!

Necesita mi ayuda.

What?

Your brother's teaching me Spanish.

You're learning the Spanish language in one evening?

No, no, Sam.

No entiremente, no, el tenso subjectivo es muy dificil.

Ernesto.

Ernesto, venga.

¿Vengo para aya?

Si, venga, venga, Derek, venga.

Sam, you want me to take the bar over?

No, no, I'm fine.

Oh, I get it, I get it.

You'd rather be here

when he's back there, right?

Something like that.

People don't have to draw pictures for me, Sam.

Although I like it, but they don't have to.

Venga!

Venga, venga, Derek. Ha, ha!

Ha, Jefe!

What's your order?

Oh, Sam, he's not that great.

The man can tell an interesting story,

he's met a few interesting people.

But he's just a man, like any other man

you'd meet in Greek mythology.

What's your order?

I don't have an order.

I just thought maybe you'd like to join the party.

I'll take the bar.

Come on, you go back there and enjoy yourself.

All right, wait.

Believe it or not, Diane...

I'm having a lot of fun just being out here by myself.

I swear,

it does not bother me that my brother's here.

Really?

Really.

Well, good.

I feel better telling you about something.

What's that?

Hey, Derek wants a beer.

Derek, Derek wants a beer.

Hey, I'm buying.

I'm taking care of this. No, no, no...

No, I'm buying.

Ah, Sam...

Sam, I love this bar of yours.

But you know the best thing about it?

Its owner.

Arriba!

Ah, thank you, Sam.

Derek, one more game of pool, huh?

You're on.

You were about to tell me something?

Oh, well...

Derek just wants to fly me out to Martha's Vineyard tonight.

In a plane or on his back?

Well, he didn't say specifically.

Oh, of course, he was all excited

about the new Learjet he just bought.

But he just wants to show it to me.

It's not a date or anything.

What if it is a date?

It's okay with me.

Well, I just thought maybe

you'd be bothered, or something.

Bothered?

Hey, I happen to have a date myself tonight.

It's a good night for it.

Okay, if you're sure.

Listen, I think you and Derek will make a great match.

Really?

Yeah, you both think you're perfect

and one of you is right.

You know what your problem is, Mr. Malone?

You are afraid of your feelings.

I am not afraid of my feelings.

I don't have any feelings about this.

Whatever you and my brother, Derek, want to do

is okay with me.

I don't care.

Fine.

Please don't go.

What?

What did you say?

I said I have no feelings about this.

No, no, after that.

You said something.

It sounded like

"Please don't go."

"Please don't go"?

Are you crazy?

Come on, Diane, you got to get over this egotism of yours.

Hey, come on, go.

Go with my blessings.

Have a good time, really.

Please stay here.

Wait a minute.

What was that?

There, at the end, you said something.

Hey, come on, you're hallucinating.

Would you, would you get out of here

and have a good time, please? Go on, go on.

Okay, I'm glad you understand.

You go, I'll die.

What?!

Now I heard you say something!

Oh, come on, hey, come on, you're coming unglued.

Please go. Have fun.

Come on.

Okay, I'll go.

There you go.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go freshen up.

I'd rather stay with you.

What?

What did you say?

I didn't hear anything.

Sam, what do you say we go to the Combat Zone

and see a girlie show?

No, I got a date later on, Coach.

Well, maybe I'll go alone, huh?

Uh, Coach, I'd rather you didn't.

It's kind of a tough neighborhood.

I think you need some protection.

Gee, you're right, Sam.

What do you say, Carla?

Nah, not tonight, Coach.

Oh, well, maybe some other time.

Good night. SAM: Good night.

See you tomorrow, Sam.

Yeah.

Hey, Sam, want me to hang around till your date gets here?

No, you probably want to get on home.

Are you kidding?

It's 2:00 a.m.

My kids might be there.

Sammy... would you just tell me one thing?

What do you see in her?

Who?

"Who?"

The one who is off on a Learjet with your brother.

The one who can't stop talking.

The geek.

Carla, I know she's not perfect, I know she talks too much,

and she's all those things you said,

but there are times when I'm with her, she just...

irritates the hell out of me.

That's what you're looking for?

Maybe it is. I don't know.

Hey, I know what you mean.

You know, I'm always falling for guys I hate.

My whole life has been the wrong man at the wrong time,

in the wrong place with the wrong birth control device.

Sam?

Yeah?

Who'd ever thought, even for a minute...

about you and me?

Sure I have, Carla.

A recent minute?

Carla, I was always afraid you'd be too much woman for me.

You're a wise man, Sam Malone.

Hi, Sam.

Oh, hi, Debbie.

Boy, am I glad you could make it tonight.

Yeah, well, it really isn't very fair

that you call me at the last minute like that.

It's a good thing my boyfriend's a heavy sleeper.

Well, I just didn't feel like...

feel like being alone tonight.

Well, what do you want to do?

I want to do something with just the two of us.

I don't want to think about anything or anybody

but the two of us all night long.

Wow.