Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Good night, Dan.

And be careful going home now, huh?

Boy, that guy sure chewed your ear off there, Coach.

Yeah, but what a nice guy, Sam.

Hey, you know something.

That's the first person I ever met

that was actually on the Titanic, Sam.

He survived the Titanic?

I forgot to ask.

Coach, why didn't you call me over?

I would have loved to have heard that story.

Well, gee, Sam, I figured you heard it.

A big boat, it hit and iceberg, bang, down it went.

Listen, from now on, when you hear

an interesting story like that, call me over.

It's one of the joys of bartending.

You want to hear interesting?

Forget the Titanic, come over here.

What, what, what?

Glen, Glen, tell him

what you told me earlier, go ahead.

Yeah, what, what?

Uh, I know all the words to the Bonanza theme song.

Go ahead, let him hear it, Glen.

♪ We got a right to pick a little fight, Bonanza ♪

♪ If anyone fights anyone of us ♪

♪ He's got to fight with me ♪

♪ We're not a one to saddle up and run, Bonanza ♪

♪ Any one of us starts a little fight knows he can trust on me ♪

♪ One for four, four for one this we guarantee ♪

♪ One for four, four for one... ♪

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Howdy, sports fans.

Norm!

What'll it be, Norm?

Fame, fortune, fast women.

Yeah? How 'bout a beer?

Even better.

Woo-ooh.

How's the search for work going, Norm?

I got good news.

Uh, everybody, I'm no longer looking for a job.

I'm now begging for one.

Well I don't believe this.

What now?

That was my mother on the phone.

She just flew into town, and she's coming over here.

No kidding? Hey, we finally get to meet her, huh?

This is very strange.

That you have a mother?

No.

That you have a mother that wants to see you.

No.

That she's coming over here.

I didn't think Mummy would be caught dead

in a place like this.

What are we, too grungy or something?

Yeah, inside an hour ago, I'm in a tub.

You're taking this all too personally

and you shouldn't.

Just that Mummy doesn't like bars.

Well, bars can be very sad places.

Some people spend their whole lives in a bar.

Just yesterday, some guy

sat right here next to me for 11 hours.

Yeah, what kind of a life is that, huh?

Well, it's pitiful, you know?

The sad thing is, you know that guy

is sitting in a bar somewhere right now

drinking a beer going on and on about nothing.

Diane, you know, if your mom is anything like you

everybody's going to love her.

Oh, well, she's nothing like I am.

She's very eccentric,

a little hard to take at times.

Oh, yeah, worlds apart.

Yeah, huh, hey, Diane,

if your mother's so rich, uh, how come you're not?

I didn't want that money.

I didn't want to go through life

being handed money on a silver tray.

For you.

Thank you.

There she is, my little baby.

Mummy.

Hello, darling.

They didn't even get near each other.

How could anyone miss Diane's mouth?

So, this is a bar.

Yes, this is where I work.

Um...

let me introduce you, Mother.

This is Sam...

who wouldn't think of saying anything embarrassing

in front of my mother so he wisely says nothing at all.

How do you do?

Uh... Hi.

Um, this is Carla Tortelli.

She says even less than Sam.

And she's very, very busy.

And, uh, down there we have Norman, his friend Cliff.

They lost their tongues in the war.

Uh, oh, Ernie Pantusso, but you can call him Coach.

Or you can call me by my other nickname, Red.

Red?

Yeah, during his playing days

his teammate used to call him Red.

Oh, because your hair was red?

Oh, no, ma'am. Because I read a book.

He's very sweet, though. Very sweet.

I just want to say it's nice

to finally meet you, Mrs. Chambers.

It's nice to meet you, Sam.

Diane's told me about you.

You're almost as handsome as she says you think you are.

There's a compliment in there someplace, I'm sure.

Well, it's very nice of you to come all this way.

I thought so, too.

But you know what tomorrow is?

No. What?

It's your wedding day.

Congratulations.

My what?

If you're not married before tomorrow,

I lose my share of your father's estate.

My, God. Why?

Darling, you see, when he died

you were still a little gawky girl.

I mean, with your nose in a book, and a terrible

facial tic.

Your father was...

Your father was worried that you would never find a mate

and that you would have a lonely life.

So, he made me promise that I would have you married

ten years after the day he died.

He even put it in his will.

So if you're still single, I'm cut off.

But why have you waited all this time to tell me?

Father's been dead for ten years.

Well, you know how time flies when you're having...

Grief.

Grief. Grief.

So if I'm not married by tomorrow, you'll be broke.

Oh, put your mind at ease.

I'll never be broke.

I'll either be rich or dead.

The choice is yours.

Mother, you're seriously asking me to get married?

Well, my attorneys have assured me that it need be in name only

and just for a few days.

There's no other way.

Well, this is the craziest thing Father ever did.

Not even close, dear.

Excuse me, madame.

I dropped the bags off at the hotel.

Thank you, Boggs.

Nice to see you, Boggs.

I'd be honored if you'd consent to be my wife.

I said in a pinch, Boggs.

Now wait over there.

Yes, madame.

Darling, think hard.

There's so little time.

Don't you know anyone who'd be willing

to marry you for a few days?

Well, I'm afraid there's no one

that I'm steadily dating at the moment.

Excuse me, uh... rich lady.

You know, I couldn't help overhearing your problems.

Your daughter has a hot thing for the bartender.

I do not.

She likes Red?

He's dumb enough to be your father.

Not him, Sam.

I care noth... I feel nothing... Sam who?

Hey, come off it.

You know, we've all noticed the way you two go around

looking at each other like lovesick cows.

Admit it.

He's got you steaming under the silks.

This happens to be my mother.

Well that's why I'm being delicate.

Diane, is this true?

How about the two of you?

I'd rather marry Boggs.

I could make you very happy.

I'm sorry, Boggs.

That's just a figure of speech.

Thank you, miss.

Diane, he's not a bad-looking fellow.

His cologne is an affront to society,

but what harm would it do to ask?

Mother, no.

Darling, please.

I wish I was as strong as you are, but I'm not.

Without money, I don't think I can make it.

All right, I'll ask him.

Sam.

What?

May I speak with you for a moment, please?

Um...

Uh, well, I-I might as well just come to the point.

That'd be nice.

Would you be willing to marry me?

Boy, this cologne must be doing its stuff, you know?

Uh... you see,

my very eccentric father

put a very strange clause into his will

providing that if I'm not married by tomorrow

my mother will become destitute.

So if you and I could get married,

just, just long enough to satisfy the attorneys,

it would really help her out and I would consider it a favor.

I'd consider it a joke.

Diane, marriage and me do not mix.

No, no, it's not marriage.

It's only a business arrangement.

Just for a couple of days and then we'll get divorced.

Listen, I've been married before, you haven't.

Now just take my word on this, marriage changes people.

There's not a woman in the world who can stand up there,

hear those words and not start believing it.

Well that's a very sexist thing to say.

No, no, no, no, it's not sexist

'cause there's not a man that can resist it either.

Why, Sam, that's a very romantic thing to say.

Yeah, but the difference is

with men, they get over it in an hour.

With women, it kind of goes on for years.

If you're worried about me, I am only doing this for my mother.

Yeah, right.

I promise you that I will not feel any emotions toward you.

I learned a long time ago

never to trust anybody wearing a wedding gown.

Especially a woman, so just...

Forget I asked.

Hey, I'm sorry.

Never mind. Never mind.

I'm sorry, Mummy, he said no.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear...

Oh, hell.

Okay, Diane.

Okay what?

Okay, we'll... get married.

Really?

Yeah, you bet.

Oh, Mr. Malone, how wonderful.

You're both wonderful.

Thank you very much.

I'm still rich.

I'll get the justice.

Come along, Boggs.

Thank you for changing your mind.

You're welcome.

I wanted to help out.

What you're doing is very noble.

Well, thank you.

Where do you want to go on our honeymoon?

I should have known.

As usual, Mr. Malone has his brains caught in his zipper.

Is this the first wedding ever in Cheers, Coach?

Nope. Frankie Flaherty got married in this bar, Norm.

Yeah?

Yup. He met Janet right down there at that corner,

proposed to her right here, right in front of me,

they got married over there,

had their first fight up by the piano...

she caught him in the poolroom with a woman,

shot him dead in the alley.

Wow, that's an incredible story. Really.

Want to know where he's buried?

Where?

He ain't. He's cremated.

Thank God.

Here's his ashes.

We've got the license!

So, what took you so long?

I thought while I was down there,

I'd, uh, pay my water bill and register my bicycle.

You know what they're asking

for a bicycle license nowadays?

Sam, shut up.

Sorry, dear.

I'd like to introduce you

to Mr. Harrison Feedler,

Justice of the Peace, who will perform the ceremony.

We need witnesses.

Yup, every accident needs some witnesses.

Oh, Sam, Sam, please, I'd be proud to be your best man.

Oh, I'm honored, Coach. Thank you.

You know, the day Diane walked in here,

I knew the two of you were going to get together, Sam.

Coach, this is just temporary.

Oh, I knew that, too.

Tell me, how come you never got married?

Well, Norm, Coach... it's unfair to ask a woman

to be the wife of a mailman.

You watch them get up every morning,

strapping on that old mailbag,

going out and hitting those mean streets,

never knowing whether he's coming back or not.

Right. Somewhere out there

is a beagle with your name on it, huh?

Excuse me, I think we should begin.

Are you ready, Mr. Feedler?

Oh, I'm ready,

and may I have the license?

The groom's name is "Schwinn"?

That's my bicycle license.

Excuse me.

Diane, do you think we could lose the aprons?

Oh, the aprons.

Carla, the apron.

Gee... didn't know it was going to be

this formel.

You okay?

I'm fine, fine.

Just a business arrangement.

I do appreciate it for Mummy's sake, though.

You're welcome.

Just remember, no emotions.

If I feel anything romantic,

I will run screaming from the room.

And I will clear a path for you.

Will the bride and groom come forward, please?

We are gathered here in the presence of these witnesses

for the purpose of uniting in matrimony,

Diane Chambers and Sam Malone.

The contract of marriage is most solemn,

and not to be entered into lightly,

but thoughtfully and seriously,

and with a deep realization

of its obligations and responsibilities.

Any two people who have come to this point clearly feel

the love and joy that they find in one another

can surmount whatever obstacles

lie in their path.

Sam... do you take...

Do you mind?

What?

Never mind.

I'm sorry, please go on.

Sam, do you take this woman to be your lawf...

What'd I do?

I saw the leer.

Leer? Oh, come on, Diane.

Oh, please, please.

Please go on; I'm sorry.

Sam, do you take this woman to be your lawful...

Hey, she's...

She's a customer in my bar; I smiled.

That's all. Go on.

Uh...

She's a woman.

Well, I'll be darned; so she is.

To have and to hold,

from this time forward, in...

You know, it was just a look.

Oh, just a look?

This is just a look; this is what you did.

Can we get on with the ceremony?

To have and to hold...

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait a minute.

What's the big deal, here?

I mean, you're beginning to sound

like my wife or something.

Excuse me? We are getting married.

Now, I may not be asking for 50 years

of love, honor, and obey,

but it would be nice, if during the ceremony,

you didn't drool.

Boy, you know, you really are demanding.

I don't understand

why you're trying to make me so crazy!

And I don't understand why you have chosen this moment

to demonstrate to everyone your utter lack of class.

Hey, look, I am the one doing you the favor!

Well, don't do me any favors. Children, please.

Hey, just butt out, Mom!

You know, I'm beginning to think

this is the stupidest thing I ever did?!

"Stupidest thing?"

There is no stupidest thing you ever did.

Everything you do is equally stupid.

Including not throwing you out of here

the minute I saw your stupid face!

Sam, do you have the ring? Hey...

Shut up!

All right, that's it.

You're making a mockery of marriage,

and it's all my fault.

There'll be no wedding here today,

not between the two of you.

Fine. Fine.

I hate your guts, and I always will.

Yeah, well, that goes double for me.

I understand they wrote their own vows.

You know, 30 minutes ago, I was a wealthy woman,

and now I can't pay for these drinks.

Oh, don't worry about it, the drinks are on me.

I don't want your charity,

and I don't want your pity,

but I will take your money.

Well, if it hadn't been for dear old Dad

and his...

strange clause in the will,

you would never have been

in this predicament.

Now, darling,

you mustn't think ill of your father.

He was concerned; he loved you very much.

You know that, don't you?

Yes, I guess I do.

And in a strange way, I think he loved me, too.

Unfortunately, he loved a good joke more.

Spencer, wherever you are tonight, I hope you're frying.

You two are still here, huh?

We'll lock up.

How are we getting home?

Um, how are we getting home, Mummy?

Oh, Boggs is waiting outside to drive us.

I'm sorry about this afternoon.

I'm sorry, too.

I told you, weddings do weird things to me.

Well, I must admit, I got a little swept away myself.

I think I owe you an apology, too, Mrs. Chambers. I'm sorry.

What I asked you to do was unfair.

You all right?

Actually, I...

I'm really quite afraid.

Afraid of what, Mummy?

I'm afraid of being poor.

I was poor before I met your father,

and it took me years to really forget how being poor felt.

Excuse me, madame, could I have a word?

What is it, Boggs?

I heard of your tragedy.

I'd be honored if you'd consent to be my wife.

It's too late for that, Boggs.

No, I meant you, madame.

Why, Boggs...

have you lost your mind?

I mean, I've only accepted your familiarity over the years

because I was afraid of class warfare.

I am aware of that.

However, in view of the developments

in the last half an hour

our stations have, shall we say, grown a little closer?

Now, then, Boggs...

Madame, it so happens,

I have a considerable sum of money stashed away.

Really?

Where did you get it, Boggs?

From you and yours, madame.

I've been embezzling from your family

for close to a quarter of a century.

Why, Boggs, how clever of you!

Exactly how much money do you have?

As I recall my Emily Post,

a lady does not ask her chauffeur

how much he stole from her dead husband.

Let us just say... I am very comfortable.

Shall we go to dinner and talk about the future?

Bon appétit.

You know, Boggs, I must confess,

I've always found the back of your head

enormously attractive.

I sensed it, madame.

Uh, would you do me a favor, madame?

What's that?

Would you drive?

Oh... kinky!

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org