Original subtitles

Here's a little known fact:

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Excuse me, I've got to powder my nose

in the men's salon.

Hey.

You know, you look a little like, uh,

Tip O'Neill.

Yeah? You know, a lot of people say that.

Really, I'm a better looking fellow than he is.

Oh, my God, you are Tip O'Neill.

How do you do?

Whoa-oh!

I'm Sam Malone.

You used to throw for the Sox.

Yeah, that's right.

What are you doing here in Cheers?

Well, I'm walking down the street, a lady stopped me,

started to tell me about her philosophy of life,

her philosophy of government,

and so I ducked in and thought I'd have a quick one.

Well, what can I get you here?

There you are. Ha-ha!

Oh, Mr. Speaker, forgive me for being so relentless,

but I really want to talk just to...

Diane, step into the office for a minute.

What? I'll be right back.

What is it, Sam? No, she won't.

One more quick one, Coach, then I really got to run.

Hey, Norm,

what were you saying last week

about that do-nothing Congress down there in D.C.?

They're a bunch of clowns.

Oh, you think so, huh? You could take

the average guy off the street

and he could do a better job.

Nah.

Sure.

This bozo right here could probably be

a better congressman than them.

Oh, yeah?

You know, I may run for office someday.

You do that.

You're out of work, too, huh?

No, I'm the Speaker of the House of Representatives.

Don't be ridiculous.

That'd make you Tip O'Neill

and me... a horse's butt.

You said it, not me.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm!

What can I do for you, Norm?

Well, I am going to need something to kill time

before my second beer.

Uh...

how 'bout a first one?

You got it.

Glad you've come in today, Norm.

Big day.

Oh, yeah? What's going on?

The Miss Boston Barmaid's contest.

They're picking the finalists today.

What is it?

What is it? Paul...

it's only the biggest event of the year.

I mean, words can't describe it.

Uh... a bunch of waitresses

serve drinks, and one of them wins.

Yeah, that's about it.

Uh, Coach is particularly excited today

because this year, the contest is being held

right here at Cheers.

All right!

You know, I hate to burst your bubble, Coach,

but the contests are phony.

You got to fool around

with the judge to get in.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Yeah, and he won't return my calls.

Hey, everybody, I want your attention.

They picked the finalists for the Miss Boston Barmaid contest

and this year, Cheers is going to win.

Oh, finally, they're letting in preggos.

No, no, no, no.

No, Carla, it's not you, it's, uh, Diane.

Sam, Diane's pregnant?

No, no, no.

She's a finalist, Coach.

Oh, give me a copy.

That proves it.

There is no God.

That little pixie. She didn't say a word about it.

Oh, no, no, she doesn't know anything about it.

I entered her without telling her.

Why, Sam?

Just to cause me anguish?

Oh, all right, all right.

So she's not the best waitress in the world,

but she makes it in these other categories here.

"Perky, pert, congenial and fun."

And I don't?

Sweetheart,

you cannot join the contest.

You're pregnant.

So? Proves I'm congenial.

Good point. Good point.

Oh, hey, Sammy, here she comes.

All right, I want this to be a surprise.

Uh, just, everybody, pretend like you don't know anything.

Coach, grab her apron,

put it up here next to the paper so she sees it.

Hello, everyone.

Hi.

You all look chipper today.

What's up?

Oh, come on.

I hate this.

Tell me.

Really it's, it's nothing at all.

Something in the paper, eh?

"The Miss Boston Barmaid competi..." Oh.

I hate female contests with every fiber of my being.

Why did you want me to see this?

Uh, just to make sure

you felt the same way about it that we did.

Disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

What kind of a ninny

would let herself be entered in a contest like that?

This kind.

That's me!

Takes guts to admit it.

Who did this?

Who is responsible for this?

I'll kill him.

You did this.

That's it. Uh, Wong Song Yoo.

Uh... got killed in the Orient

while trying to rescue nuns.

That's him.

You entered me,

much as one would enter a heifer in a county fair.

Oh, no, no, come on, Diane, honey, no.

The judges, they just come in, they secretly watch you work,

and then they pick the finalists.

Yeah.

In a county fair,

you take the cow to the judges.

Thanks a lot, Coach.

Anytime, Sam.

Hey, come on, Diane.

I thought you'd be happy about this.

Oh, of course, of course.

I love being entered in degrading female contests.

Me, too, but I'm always pregnant.

No, come on, this is not degrading.

I mean, in Boston this is considered

a very, very big honor, Diane.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, hey, Di, I mean,

it's a really big, you know, uh...

It's not as big as Mail Carrier of the Year, of course,

but it's up there.

Mail Carrier of the Year?

Who would they give that to, a postman or a pigeon?

Hey, watch your mouth.

It was just a joke.

Yeah? Well don't you ever, repeat, ever

joke about the U.S. Postal Service

in front of me or any other mail carrier.

All right?

He didn't mean anything at all by it.

Yeah? I'd like to see how fat and sassy

he'd be without his daily mail, huh?

Easy, easy.

I'm sorry, Norm.

I just don't know what came over me.

That's okay. You had every right.

Yeah. Well, the post office is everybody's target.

You know? But when they want a letter fast, huh,

who do they come to on their knees?

Federal Express.

He's mine!

Cliff, sit down.

Sam, these contests perpetuate the attitude

that women are mere objects

to be judged and ranked

in respect to how well they serve man.

Oh, come on, lighten up, will you?

Relax a little bit.

I mean, this is not the UN here.

Have some fun.

Do you think being scrutinized, poked and prodded

like a side of beef is fun?

Well, not every day, but on your odd Saturday night...

What do you think I am?

Are you kidding me?

I just thought you were cute.

I mean, is that such a big deal?

Cheers has never won this before.

I thought it might be nice if we did.

I thought it might be nice if you won it for us.

I mean, I didn't even think.

I just picked up the silly picture and sent it in.

By the way, where did you get that picture?

I, uh, well, you know,

I, uh, found it.

Found it where?

Well, as a matter of fact, you were pretty careless.

I found it lying around your wallet.

Don't you ever go through my wallet again.

Well, don't worry. It was pretty boring.

Oh, I'm sorry. If I'd known you were going through it,

I'd have added something interesting.

You know, I've never seen anyone

with so many silly pictures of themselves.

You with your cat, you on your pony, you by your car.

You by your car with your cat on your pony.

I'm going to call them at the contest,

tell them exactly what I think of this whole thing

and that I won't do it.

No, come on...

Damn it.

Hey, uh, Paul.

Uh, no hard feelings, huh?

No.

Yeah, it's just that, you know,

the Sears catalog came out this week,

and it puts kind of a strain on me.

Uh, yes, I would like to speak

to the person in charge of female dehumanization.

What do you mean, "Speaking"?

This is in regard to the Miss Boston Barmaid competition.

I am Diane Chambers,

and I have something to say about this contest

and all contests like it.

I only wish the whole world could hear what I have to say.

There will be reporters there?

From all the major papers?

Well, I guess if, um,

if a contestant had a few things to say,

this would be an excellent forum for 'em.

Yes, yes, I am every bit as cute as my picture.

Yeah, thank you.

I'll, um, I'll see you at the contest.

Hey, Diane, I just have one thing to say to you

and I mean this.

You stay in this contest or we're no longer friends.

I'm staying in the contest.

Wow. Really?

Yes.

Hey, Diane.

You go to bed with me tonight or we're no longer friends.

Well, I guess you can, uh, just push friendship so far.

Norm, hold this for me, will you, Norm?

Ooh, what smells great, Coach?

I just came from the barbershop.

You know, they put some of that zingy aftershave stuff. Whoo!

Oh, that explains why all these flies are dying here, Coach.

Oh, oh, Diane.

Listen, now, I've been to a couple of these things before,

so I know what they're looking for.

Basically, it's personality and customer service

and all that kind of thing.

But... a nice appearance can't hurt,

you know what I mean?

Sex?

No. No, no, no, not sex.

Just a nice appearance, that's all.

You know, for example, like, if you lowered your blouse

just a little bit off your shoulders there.

Absolutely not.

Hey, come on.

Come on, just to check it out.

Come on.

Yeah, that's very nice, that very nice.

Um, maybe, uh... mess your hair up just a bit, you know?

Oh...

That's nice.

Lean against the bar here... That's good.

Put your elbow up here like that.

Wet your lips a little, pout.

That's good.

I thought you said the judges weren't looking for sex.

They're not... I am.

I just checked out the old competition.

They look even better up close.

Eh...

None of those girls have got what I'm looking for, Normy.

What's that?

Low standards.

Come clean.

One minute you're against the stupid contest,

the next minute, you're all for it.

What's up?

You don't like this contest, do you, Carla?

It's a sham.

Carla... you will be happy to hear

that I am going to bring this contest to its knees.

Ooh, I like it so far.

When they introduce me,

I'm going to make a statement

denouncing those responsible for this outrage.

Oh!

Oh, I love it! I love it!

You know,

there aren't too many things about you that I like.

In fact, there is nothing about you that I like.

But I always say,

"All great friendships

start with one small act of vengeance."

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the 45th annual

Miss Boston Barmaid competition.

First, each contestant

will tell us a little bit about herself.

Yvonne?

Hi. I'm Yvonne.

I go to modeling school, and I'd like to be an artist.

Hi, I'm Jocelyn, and I like being a waitress.

I'm saving my money to travel around the world

next summer.

Hi, I'm Bonnie.

And I have to say, I really like being just what I am...

a cocktail waitress in the best city in the world.

Oh, Boston.

Go!

Um...

My name is Diane Chambers,

and I would like one day

to be known as the voice of my generation.

You see, I am a humanist.

And aren't we all?

Good luck, uh, and if you win

we'll be seeing you on A.M. Boston.

Just let...

A.M. Boston?

That's right.

They're going to be here later

to tape the announcement of the winner

for tomorrow morning's program.

Let the games begin.

Diane Chambers, humanist.

And now Yvonne will wait on the judges

who will ask her a set of prepared questions

designed to help us get to know her better.

Hello there.

I'm Yvonne, and I'll be serving you.

What's your pleasure this evening, gentlemen?

Uh, could you recommend something

warm and sweet and perfect for late in the evening?

Irish coffee...

or me.

One for you.

And one gin and tonic.

I am moved, Cliff. I'm visibly moved.

That'll be tough to beat.

Now for our last contestant,

someone right from here at Cheers, Miss Diane Chambers.

Yo!

Hello.

I'm Diane, and I'm delighted to be your waitress this evening.

What can I get you?

Screwdriver, please.

What kind of vodka?

Absolut, please.

Absolut-ly.

Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Chivas rocks.

Chivas rocks.

And for you, sir?

I'll have a beer.

Imported or domestic?

What would you recommend?

Well, I'll find something nice for you.

Be back in a jiff.

With pretzels.

You're doing terrific, Diane.

Wait, wait, wait. You dropped some cards.

Here, you dropped some cards.

Oh, no, no, never mind.

Uh...

Uh, what is this?

"Women pitted against each other

in a public display of servitude."

I don't know what it means,

but it's making me hot.

I'll take my speech, thank you.

Wait, w-w-w-whoa. What do you mean, "speech"?

What are you talking about?

Sam, I'm going to win this contest

so I can make a speech denouncing it.

Oh, my God, is that what you've been planning the whole time?

Sam, I have to do this.

I-I don't believe I could be so stupid.

For a minute there, I thought you

were actually going to be a regular person for once.

I am not a regular person.

You're telling me?

Sam...

Someday you will realize

that I am doing the right thing.

Well, why do you always have to do the right thing?

I mean, do you see the rest of us running around

trying to do the right thing? We're happy.

May I go now?

Yeah, go on, help yourself.

By the way, by the way, I just want to say

that, uh... I'm really happy to see

that under all this public pressure,

we haven't seen that facial tic of yours.

And you won't.

Mind over matter.

Um... St. Pauli Girl.

An Absolut

screwdriver.

Chivas rocks, and pretzels.

Is there, uh, anything else that I can do for you?

Is there something wrong, miss?

What do you mean?

Uh, are you all right?

Oh, um, uh...

Well, I have this, um, this, uh, facial tic.

Um...

But I, I, um, I believe that-that all of us

have obstacles to overcome in life,

and, uh, in the final analysis,

the... the true measure of greatness

is the severity

of obstacles one has had to overcome

in order to achieve one's goals.

I, um...

I may not be the most attractive waitress here,

I may not be the most talented,

but I am

a survivor.

I didn't come here to lose.

I came here to win.

I will beat them all.

I will beat any who come against me,

and as God is my witness, I will never be hungry again!

Ladies and gentlemen,

this year's Miss Boston Barmaid

is Diane Chambers!

Congratulations, Diane.

Thank you.

Is that A.M. Boston?

Yes, it is.

I-I really didn't expect to win this contest.

It has...

Thank you. It has been quite...

And...

It has been quite...

It has been quite an experience.

Now, I would like to tell you

my feelings about this contest.

But before you do that, Diane,

let me tell you what you've won.

That's really not necessary. If there...

Something every waitress needs...

A six months' worth of free dry-cleaning at Ritz Cleaners!

Thank you. Thank you.

Contests such as these can do nothing...

And for entertaining at home, a Kitchen Helper food processor.

Oh.

Thank you, that's nice, I've always wanted one. Thank you.

But really, ladies and gentlemen, it's so important...

A $200 gift certificate from Filene's Department Store

where you can pick out some new outfits

for that week-long vacation

you and a friend will be taking to Bermuda!

Bermuda! Bermuda!

Oh, I love it!

I sold out womankind for a... trip to Bermuda.

Aw, hey, come on, don't feel so bad.

Most people would have done it for the dry-cleaning.

Hey, come on.

Look, I don't even think you did sell out.

Of course I did.

No, you didn't.

What you did was, you let your feelings out.

I mean, for the first time in your life

you were... you were spontaneous.

It was great.

That's not the first time in my life

I've done something spontaneous.

May I have my purse, please?

I enjoy being spontaneous

every now and then.

Whenever I think it's appropriate.

Hey, you're a maniac.

Okay.

Maybe I do tend to be a little uptight at times.

Maybe this bar is changing me.

Maybe the atmosphere here is starting to rub off a little.

Maybe.

And maybe in some small way I'm the better for it.

Maybe you are.

Maybe I should thank you.

Maybe you should.

Like how?

Oh, forget it! Forget it.

Hey, hey, come on. Wait.

You really want to make it up to me?

Let's go to Bermuda.

You got two tickets.

Don't be coy.

Oh, all right, all right.

I know what you're talking about.

I know I've been making a lot of passes at you,

but I swear, you take me to Bermuda,

I'll be the perfect gentleman.

You will?

Cross my heart.

Then forget it.