Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

I think if nobody minds, I'll take my lunch now.

Good.

Coach, would you mind?

Right down there.

Here, honey.

Yeah, I got some lovely roast beef

for a sandwich.

Oh... Carla, if it bothers you,

I could eat in the back.

Oh, no, no, I was a little nauseous before,

but I'm fine now.

Oh, great.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little hungry myself.

Would you mind handing me my lunch there, Coach?

There you go, honey.

Thanks.

Thank you.

Mind if I join you, Diane?

Not at all.

Mmm.

You know,

that's another thing about pregnancy...

You get cravings.

Green olive... red pimiento...

nice, juicy anchovy.

Now you open the little anchovy's mouth...

a red pimiento, stuff it into the anchovy's mouth...

sugar...

I... I think

I've just lost my appetite... forever.

Works every time.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

Beer, Norm?

That's that sudsy amber stuff, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, I've been hearing good things about it.

How's it going, Norm?

Don't ask.

It's no fun looking for work, Sammy.

You going out on interviews?

Three today.

My résumé, right?

Last guy I show it to reads it, laughs in my face.

Why would he do something like that?

Well, I'm sorry.

It's just that, uh... well, it's pretty skimpy, isn't it?

Uh... you were born, worked at one company

and you're five foot ten.

What you got to do

is pep this up a little bit.

No, no, no, it's cheating.

No, no, it's pepping it up.

Look, I mean, everybody does it.

It's expected of it.

You just take what's here...

just spice it up a bit?

Yeah.

Ooh, lookee.

There's Diane and her date back from the weekend.

Uh... thanks for dropping me off, Walter.

Bye-bye.

You want to hear me do it one last time?

Uh... no, Walter.

I have to get to work now.

Twenty-eight.

Why don't you introduce me

to your co-workers?

I'm sure they'd get a bang out of this.

Oh, I don't really think that,

um... Hello, Sam.

Walter Franklin, Sam Malone.

How do you do?

Ten.

Uh... he's able to tell you instantly

how many letters there are in any sentence you say.

Sixty-six.

Why, that's quite a gift.

Fifteen.

Been at it all weekend.

How many days did it seem like?

Twenty-four.

Listen, Walter, I have to go to work now.

Thanks again for a lovely weekend.

Two sentences: 30 and 28.

Stop doing that, Walter.

Nineteen.

I mean it!

Seven.

Well, really,

that's enough of this now.

I better get going.

Good-bye, Diane.

Nice seeing you, Sam.

Yeah.

Four.

By the way, Walter...

Fourteen.

Uh... yeah, Sam, what is it?

How was Diane on a scale of a hundred?

Twenty-nine.

Quite a catch.

Thank you.

So is a largemouth bass.

Walter happens to be a distinguished geneticist.

Oh, he studies genets.

Nice to be back.

Okay, Sammy, we're rolling here.

Those job offers ought to start

pouring in now, huh?

"Norm Peterson... Thought-provoking,

"poignant, hilarious, a roller coaster of emotions.

"If you hire only one accountant this year,

make it Norm Peterson."

What is this?

He had the paper open to the movie section, Sam.

Here's the part I like best, Sam.

It says "At last, an accountant

the whole family can go see."

It's no use, Sammy... nobody's going to hire me anyway.

Hey, come on, hang in there.

Come on, Norm.

Have you ever thought about doing anything else

besides, you know, accounting?

Well, I was in the motor pool in the service.

Learned a little something about engines.

Yeah, like what?

How to use them for shade.

Let's go have a look at these want ads.

Well...

hello there.

Did you have a nice weekend?

Oh, I had a wonderful weekend.

Went to Martha's Vineyard,

long walks on the beach, hiked over the dunes,

crisscrossed the island on bicycle.

Still couldn't lose him, huh?

You know, you are the last person in the world

who should take shots

at somebody else's choice of dates...

not with the coterie of Betty Boops

you squander your time, money and hormones on.

Hey, I date terrific women.

Yes,

and talented.

Without them, the art of gum snapping might be lost forever.

At least my dates don't count

the number of letters in sentences.

Your dates can't form sentences.

Okay, all right, you like dating nerds?

Nerds it is.

Well, the next time I decide to go out,

I'll check with you first.

That would be a very good idea.

I suppose you know better than I whom I should date.

As a matter of fact, I do, lady.

I could set you up with the best date you ever had.

That's ridiculous.

I could.

You want me to?

Would you let me set you up?

Yeah, why not?

I'm tempted to do this...

just to see what kind of a joke you'd bring in.

I haven't had a good laugh for a week.

Certainly not in a weekend.

I resent that.

Eleven.

All right, Mr. Matchmaker, you're on.

Let's set each other up. You got it.

You're not going to pull out on me now, are you?

No... you go out with mine; I'll go out with yours.

Tomorrow night?

Well, I'll have...

I just thought

of the perfect woman.

Yes! Bright, witty, attractive... perfect.

Oh...

This is great, I can't wait.

All right, okay.

8:30 tomorrow night?

Two drafts.

Uh... Carla, Carla, who, uh...

who do I know who would be a good match for Diane?

Um... what about that guy

you used to play ball with, Fred Wilson?

Fred's dead, Carla.

So? She has to drive.

No, hey...

Hey, no, I'm seri...

Hey, I'm serious, Coach.

I mean, who do you think?

You know something, Sam?

I always thought

you'd make a great date for Diane.

Oh, Coach, that's crazy.

Or is it?

Let me think about that.

Of course, that's what she's doing.

Oh, that's cute.

That is cute.

Gee, thanks, Sam.

I have lost a few pounds.

No, no, no, no,

not you, Coach.

I mean, don't you see what she's doing?

She's setting me up with herself.

Why, that little scamp.

Yeah.

Yeah, you heard what she said:

bright, witty, attractive, the perfect girl.

She's talking about herself.

Who else could she be talking about?

She's not going to bring

another girl in here tomorrow night.

She wants to go out with me herself.

I kind of like that.

Our first date.

Thanks, Coach.

Thanks.

If there's anything I can do for you,

you just let me know, all right?

Well, Sam, by the way, there is.

One little thing.

If you got some time later on,

could you please tell me

what the hell we were talking about?

You bet, you bet.

I'm looking forward to it.

Well, I'm feeling like quite the matchmaker.

I called my friend.

She said she'd love to go out with Sam.

Carla...

you have any idea who Sam has in store for me?

No.

Hey, Sammy, you're looking pretty sharp there tonight.

Yeah, what's the occasion there, Sam?

I've got a very big blind date.

Uh-oh, blind date.

Isn't that a little risky there?

Not in this case.

Coach?

Sam.

Ah, Sammy, watching you get ready for a date

is like watching a great matador prepare for a bullfight.

I hate that stuff.

You know, who wants to see a guy go and manipulate

and torment a poor, unthinking creature like that?

Hey, I always buy them breakfast, don't I?

But lookee here...

Here comes Diane.

Strangest thing...

She appears to be alone.

Mind if I sit here, Sammy?

Enjoy.

Hello, everyone.

Hi, Diane.

Hi, Diane.

Sam, ready for your date?

I certainly am.

Are you for yours?

Oh, as I'll ever be.

Is he here?

Kind of a dumb question, isn't it?

Of course he's here.

Present and accounted for.

But... wherever is my date for the evening?

Oh, she, um... she went to lock the car.

She what?

Gretchen went back to make sure her car was locked.

Gretchen?

The point is,

she is a woman of substance, Sam.

She's going to challenge you.

Gretchen?

Yes.

Oh, here she is.

Gretchen Darrow, Sam Malone.

Hello.

Hi.

Yes, you and Gretchen have a lot in common.

She's a grad student working on her thesis in kinesiology.

Ah, small world.

That's the study of physical movement, Sam.

Ah.

Akin to athletics.

Uh-huh.

She also lettered in three sports.

So, you're the Sam Malone

that used to pitch for the Sox, right?

Yeah, yeah, as a matter of fact, I am, I am.

Uh... Coach,

why don't you get Gretchen here something to drink?

Sure.

Thanks, Sam.

I can't believe this.

I knew you'd like her.

I'm a pretty good judge of people.

So... let's see how you are.

Where's my guy?

Your guy...

Well, as a matter of fact, he, uh...

he's in the, uh... in the pool room.

Shut up.

I'll just go back and get him right now.

You just, uh... hang on here.

He's, uh... probably right back here.

Oh...

Excuse me.

What's your name?

Andy.

Why?

Well, what are you doing tonight, Andy?

Why do you ask?

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, no, I got...

I got an extra girl on my hands.

Oh, I see.

It's worth $20 if you'll go out with her.

Why would you give me 20 bucks to take out a girl?

The 20 bucks is not to go out with her.

It's for a little lie.

Pretend like we've known each other for a long time

and that we set this up yesterday.

What do you... huh?

My name's Sam, by the way.

Sam.

Yeah, I probably know that, don't I?

Yeah, that's great, that's great.

Sam, what if this girl doesn't like me?

That's all right.

She doesn't like anybody.

What are you looking at, endomorph?

Uh, nothing.

Nothing... sir.

Here we go, Andy.

I'd like you to meet Diane, and this is Gretchen.

I finally meet Gretchen.

Boy, Sam talks about you all the time...

Gretchen, Gretchen, Gretchen.

He just met me.

But I knew you'd be coming along any day.

No, this is your date, Diane Chambers, Andy.

Hello.

How do you do?

Diane, I'd like you to meet my good buddy, Andy... Andy.

Andy Andy.

Well, that should be easy to remember.

How do you two know each other?

Well, uh...

Boy, she asks good questions, doesn't she?

Good question.

We, uh... we met in the pool...

At the Y, pool at the Y.

We do a lot of swimming, floating, kicking,

all your basic water sports.

Hey, now we're getting into your area of expertise,

aren't we, Gretchen?

Swimming is one of the finest cardiopulmonary exercises.

It's... it's also wonderful for the development

of all the major muscle groups,

particularly the latissimus dorsi.

Boy, I bet you're kicking yourself

that I got to her first, huh?

Okay, we're going to take off now.

You two have a good time.

Oh, you two, too.

Andy Andy and I...

we'll have fun fun.

So... what do you think, Andy?

How does Italian food sound, huh?

Oh, boy, I've been hungry for Italian food all day.

Anywhere but... Villa Milano.

That's... that's bad memories for me.

I... I killed a waitress there.

We'll double.

Did you hear what he said?

Aah! No, no...

Hey, listen, Coach, you're not going to believe this.

I was just talking to the guys in the back.

I'd like to believe it, Carla.

No, no, Coach, not that.

You know who that guy that Sam just set Diane up with is?

Who?

He just got out of the pen

after doing ten years for manslaughter.

Oh, hey, that must be them now.

Yeah, I saw them taking off on a motorcycle.

You mean, Diane had to ride piggyback

on a motorcycle?

That's great.

You didn't think we were going to make that last jump, did you?

Well, here we are.

Anybody need anything?

A five-minute head start.

Why don't we just sit down here and, uh...

pick up the conversation where we left off?

So... where were we?

Yeah, that... that was about it.

You ever dream that you have claws?

That's it for me.

I... I've got to run.

Don't... don't get up.

I'm warning you.

Good night, all.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go scrape the bugs off my teeth.

Well... I guess that just about does it there for you, Andy.

Thank you very much.

Thank you.

Sam, everything all right?

Oh, perfect.

Hard to tell.

She didn't say much...

except for that little scream she let out

when I asked the waiter for a sharper knife.

Bye.

Is he...?

He's gone, yes.

In that case...

let me just say...

Of all the cheap, small-minded, creepy, sophomoric pranks

you have perpetrated in your long arrested adolescence,

this is far and away the worst!

How could you, Sam?

So he wasn't your ideal date?

I'm big enough to admit when I'm wrong.

Did you really think this was amusing?

Did you have lots of laughs planning it?

Diane, I swear to you,

I wasn't trying to be funny.

What were you trying to do?

All... the truth is,

I... I never saw the guy before in my life.

I met him in the back room,

and I... paid him to go out with you.

You hired a murderer to take me out for the evening.

Well... it's... it's kind of funny when you put it that way.

Oh, look... see, I actually didn't think

that you were going to get me a girl.

What did you think I'd get you?

Well, I... I thought...

Well, I guess I...

I thought that you... were talking about us... you and me.

I thought that you thought...

you were the ideal date for me and vice versa.

Really?

You thought that I...

that we...

I... I'm embarrassed.

I am so embarrassed, I...

Well, I... I understand.

Poor Sam.

Thank you so much.

My God...

Wait a minute... wait, wait, wait.

What do you... what do you mean "poor Sam"?

I didn't realize you were carrying such a torch for me.

No, I didn't say I was carrying a torch for you.

I said I thought you were carrying a torch for me.

I'm certainly not carrying a torch for you.

Well, then I'm not carrying a torch for you.

Ha! My, my.

Fine.

Did you...?

Sam...

If you'll admit that you are carrying a little torch for me,

I'll admit that I'm carrying a little one for you.

Well, I am... carrying a little torch for you.

Well... I'm not carrying one for you.

Hey, well, then I'm not carrying one for you either.

You just said you were.

No, no, no, no, no.

I said that only to get you to admit

that you are, that's all.

Sam, you're making a fool of yourself.

Would you just admit that you're hung up on me, damn it?

I am not.

You are, too.

I am not!

Please, please, do you think

I'd behave like this in your home?

Sorry.

Well, we are being awfully childish about this.

Well, maybe.

Let's leave it at this:

I'm rubber and you're glue.

Everything you say bounces off me and sticks to you.

You love me! You love me!

I do... I do not!

Do, too! Do, too! Do, too!

Do not! Do not!

Do, too! Do, too! Do, too!

Not! Not! Not!

Not! Not! Not!

That is the most embarrassing display I have ever seen.

You're absolutely right, Cliff.

Anybody can look at them and see she's crazy about him.

Are you crazy?

He's nuts about her.

I don't want to hear it.

Nah, nah, nah, nah.

Oh, for crying out loud!