Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

Okay, closing time.

Everybody out.

Harry.

Harry, how did you get in here?

Came in the back door.

I don't have a back door, Harry.

Well, then, it's my secret.

I've been serving him all night.

Hey, Diane, you know

I don't like this flimflam man

hanging around my bar.

Oh, Sam, that's a bit unfair, isn't it?

Anyone with half a brain

can see through his petty little scams

and tricks.

You're too kind.

Thanks.

I hope he doesn't try

to pull anything on you, that's all.

Me?!

It is to laugh.

Diane, you know, I like you.

You're a smart cookie.

Let me help you clean up.

You got to keep the cover on this table,

you know, when you're not using it,

because the heat from the lights will crack the felt.

You got to take care of it.

The table...

Harry.

Harry.

I... I'll take care of it.

Well, okay.

You can leave. Okay.

Well, let me save you

a couple of steps with the check, anyway.

I'll pay Sam, okay?

Oh, oh, thanks.

Take care of that table, now.

Men can't make beds, either.

Okay, Sam, thanks a lot.

Good night.

Harry, Harry, the bill.

Oh, that's okay, I paid Diane.

Harry, I don't trust you.

Oh, Sam.

Diane, will you tell Sam it's covered?

It's covered.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

I'm sorry I'm late,

but wait till you hear what I've been doing.

This afternoon,

I spent five entire hours in a sensory deprivation tank.

Your room?

I'm telling you, it was incredible.

Never have I felt more aware and sensitive

to what's going on around me.

Excuse me.

Oh, excuse me.

You see, the whole idea is that there's a... a total lack

of sensory input.

What the hell's going on here?

It's a book promotion party.

How could that be in a place where no one can read?

My old roommate, Tom Kenderson, wrote his own autobiography,

and I'm in it.

Oh.

So this is a press conference

to announce the arrival

of yet another thick-headed jock epic.

Well, there must be confetti

all over the Library of Congress, huh?

Hey, for your information,

this one happens to be different.

It's got a lot of good stuff in it.

Like what?

Well, I haven't read it, actually.

Oh.

No, no, no.

Didn't want to wear out your lips?

I was supposed to read it last night,

but, uh, an emergency came up.

Uh-huh, and what was her name?

Sherry, but that's not the point,

that's not the point.

The point is that... that Tom's book should be really exciting

due to the... the times we had together.

See, it's about us

and how we handled the pressures of baseball.

Oh, yes.

I mean, a lot of guys handle it differently.

Some guys, uh, turn to the bottle,

some guys chase chicks,

and, uh, Tom and I couldn't make up our minds, so we...

So you did both.

Yeah.

Okay, well, let me speed-read this sucker.

And then we can talk.

How... how long's that going to take?

I'm on chapter four.

You know, I... I always loved that kid, Tommy.

I mean, you... just a riot.

He was always pulling something.

Is that right?

Yeah.

Like, you know, he'd put my toothbrush

in a pair of sweaty socks,

he'd leave dead animals in my locker.

One time, him and a bunch of guys

held me down, shaved my whole body.

No.

Coach, Coach, you just let them do that to you?

No, no, no, Cliff.

What I did was, he was trying to cram me

into one of these clothes dryers one day.

I pulled his socks right over his spikes.

Good one, Coach.

They laughed.

The guys, what a laugh they got.

I could see them through that little window, you know.

They were laughing!

Hey, Mayday.

Hey!

Hey, wow, what a to-do, huh?

How about this?

Sam!

Oh, yeah, I'm sorry.

Um, Carla Tortelli, Tom Kenderson.

Carla, nice to meet you.

I love you, Tom Kenderson.

Look, here... here's my number

and a couple of quotes from past lovers.

Uh, thank you, Carla.

Carla, come here, sweetheart.

Sam, he breathed on me, Sam.

I'm a whole woman.

Coach... get her a seltzer.

Sam, did you get a chance to read my book last night?

Uh, no, no, I didn't, Tommy.

I'm sorry.

I really wish you had.

Did you put in that flight to Kansas City

when we jumped in the garment bag with those two stewardesses?

Yeah, that's there, but there's something...

Well, then I'll die happy, I'm fine.

Listen, let's get you famous here, all right?

No, I don't think you...

Tommy, Tommy!

Tommy, it's so good to see you.

Hey, Coach, good to see you.

How you doing?

Just great.

Tommy, you remember the time

you... you put the analgesic balm in my jockstrap?

Yeah, yeah.

I think of you every time I get the itch.

Well, it's good to be remembered, Coach.

What a guy!

Uh, Sam...

Mr. Kenderson...

would you mind if we begin?

Yeah, let's start,

let's do it.

All right.

Pardon me.

Before we start here, Sam Malone, come up here.

I'm sure you all remember Sam Malone,

and if you don't, chapters seven through nine.

No, no, no, no, no.

I'm a businessman now.

I keep my clothes on... most of the time.

So, you two were... real close?

For three years, we did everything together.

I mean, no one ever saw us apart.

Well, Sam, it must have been quite a shock to you

when Tom wrote about coming out of the closet?

Oh, oh.

Whoa!

You mean... you mean in Detroit,

when... when I was with a waitress

and he... he came out of the closet and he was wearing a...

That's not... that's not what you're talking about, is it?

Yikes.

Is this some kind of joke, Tom?

I wanted you to read the book, Sam.

It's, uh... it's still hard for me

to tell people from the old days.

Sam, you were saying

that you two used to do... everything together.

No, no, no, no, you... you misunderstood that.

No, uh, as a matter of fact,

people used to come up to me and say,

"Hey, you know, you two are best friends

and yet you're completely different."

I remember this time...

Sam!

Sam, there... there's an emergency

in, uh... in the back room.

What?

Um... I found holes in the pool table.

Oh, yeah, yeah, all right.

You'll excuse me.

Um... some chick wants to see me.

I can't get rid of them.

You guys know how that is, huh?

So, honey, you, uh, can't go in the back room without me.

Shut up.

Say it ain't so, Tom, say it ain't so.

Thank you for getting me out of there

before I made a complete ass out of myself.

I was fast, but you were faster.

It wasn't my fault.

I mean, he should have told me.

Sam, he told you to read the book.

Yeah, but...

He should have known that you'd be spending the evening

with a woman who thinks Candide is a toenail polish.

I just can't believe it.

I mean, the guy was a hound, Diane.

He had women everywhere.

We'd be on the road, we'd go into hotel lobbies,

there'd be three, four women holding up kids.

He covers that, he covers that.

Where?

He... here, here, in this paragraph right here.

Want me to read it?

No, I'll read it.

Right there?

Yes.

"From the outside, my days in baseball seemed glorious,

"but the greater my fear became of my true sexuality,

the more I compensated with typical Don Juan promiscuity."

Does that explain it?

I don't know.

I've only read it once.

He was denying who he was.

He's no longer doing that.

I should've known.

I remember sitting in a piano bar with him

and he requested a show tune.

Sam, I do understand why you're upset.

You're afraid that now people will think that you're...

No, I'm not upset,

I'm not upset.

It's... it's just that guys should be guys, Diane!

That's all.

Sam.

Look, your friend Tom's out there.

He needs your support now more than ever before.

He really hasn't changed.

He's still the same guy you used to tinkle off balconies with.

Boy, the world was a lot simpler then, you know.

Sam, sorry about all this.

See, I thought you'd read the book

and everything was cool.

Look, I don't want to cause you

any more problems.

I'm just going to take off, okay?

Damn it.

Thanks a lot, everybody.

It was, uh... nice talking to you all again.

So long, Tommy.

Tom!

You still a gin-and-tonic man?

Way to go, Mayday.

I, uh, make them the way you like them...

On the house.

Coach.

Um...

Thanks a lot, Sam.

Hey, listen,

can we get a couple more shots of you guys?

Yeah, sure, you bet.

I appreciate this, Sam, I really do.

Well, you didn't dump me when I had a drinking problem.

Uh, sure I did.

You were just passed out at the time.

Pardon me, pal, where... where are these photos going to run?

Oh, I don't know.

Most of your local papers.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Same thing's going to happen to Cheers

that happened at Vito's Pub.

Uh-oh!

Sam looks as terrific

in black and white

as he does in color, huh?

Yeah.

Looking at Tom breaks my heart.

Hey, everybody.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Sam.

Hey, we're looking at your kisser

in the morning rag here, Sam.

Yeah, I saw that.

Every time I look at this

I feel so proud of you.

Yeah, I'm kind of glad I did that now.

I think you are taking real strides

in your development as a human being.

You know, a couple of other chicks said that to me today.

I think this human being image is going to get me more action

than cheap wine.

Always the high road.

Hey... Norm.

Mm-hmm?

What was that you said yesterday...

When they were taking pictures...

About Vito's Pub?

It's nothing.

Don't worry about it.

Talk to me, Norm.

Hey, Norm, I think it's best

he hears it from us.

Go ahead, tell him the story.

All right.

You heard of Vito's Pub?

Yeah, it's a gay bar, right?

It didn't use to be.

It used to be a great bar.

I hung out there myself.

Wow, what a story, Norm.

I'm not finished.

There's more?

One night, Vito lets a gay group hold a meeting

in the back room, right?

Um, gays for the... metric system, or something.

The story got in the newspaper,

gets a lot of attention.

Next thing you know, Vito's Pub turns into...

"Vito's Pub."

All the regulars left, Sammy.

Out went the oars and the moose heads.

In came plants and ferns.

Ferns...

I just don't want that

to happen to Cheers, that's all.

I don't believe that stuff.

Bars don't turn gay overnight.

You don't have to believe me.

I have scientific proof.

Cliff?

It happened.

See?

Excuse me.

You're talking about them like they're ogres.

The fact of the matter is

there are gay people in this bar

all the time.

What? No way.

I haven't seen a gay guy in here in ages.

Oh, I see, you can spot a gay person?

A mile away.

And there are none in here right now?

Nope. Looks like a straight crowd to me.

Too ugly to be gay.

Too ugly to be out.

Well, I wasn't going to say anything,

but you've gone so far in proving

you're open-minded, Norman.

There are two homosexual gentlemen

in this bar at this moment.

Come on.

Get out of here.

They told me they were gay,

that they appreciated what Sam had done.

That's right, guys.

They're here right now

and you don't even know who they are.

Nah, she's kidding.

Everybody here checks out all right.

Yeah.

Uh, I don't know, it...

it occurs to me that, uh...

Cliff... hasn't had a date

in quite some time.

Mm-hmm, that's right.

Oh, yeah, Norm, well, uh,

how come we've never seen this Vera

you're allegedly married to, huh?

Could, uh, we have a couple beers, please?

You bet.

Patty-cake alert.

Hey, hey, you're Sam Malone.

Right.

Yeah, yeah, I saw your picture

in the paper this morning.

Ah, that's good.

Can't wait to read that book.

I'm not much of a baseball fan,

but that sounds interesting.

Yeah, it should be pretty good.

Oh, listen, could we have light beers, please?

Light beer?

Here you go.

Thanks, Sam.

Thanks.

Sam, those guys look okay to me.

They are okay, coach.

Oh, well, uh,

maybe we are a little off base here, Norm.

Uh, hey, let's test them out.

I got an idea.

Hey! Look at the baganzas on that babe.

Oh, this is medieval.

I never knew Lorne Greene had baganzas.

Say, uh, hey, Jack,

change the channel, will you?

I think it's time

for the Benito-Venito bout.

Yeah, it should be a blood match.

Uh, they're not watching.

Let's string 'em up.

So, what are we going to do

about these guys, huh?

Carla!

What?

You're not prejudiced against gays, are you?

Well, I'm not exactly crazy about them.

I mean, I get enough competition from women.

I'm telling you, if guys keep coming out of the closet,

there isn't going to be anybody left to date

and I'm going to have to start going out with girls.

Carla, you don't have to worry about me.

I like my dates a little more masculine than you.

Not much, but a little.

I can't believe you're all making such a big fuss

out of two guys walking into a bar.

Patty-cake.

It's an orgy!

Ferns, Sammy.

We're talking ferns.

You...

Come on.

I've seen you guys hug.

Yeah, but we hate it.

Right.

Say, uh, Cliff.

Huh?

I haven't been to Clancy's in a long time.

Is that still as nice a place as it used to be?

Jeez, I don't know, Jack.

I haven't been there in a long time myself.

Come on, let's go on over there.

Yeah, good idea: Clancy's.

Give me a break.

You guys are kidding, right?

Mmm, Sammy, we'll check in in a couple weeks,

and we'll just see if Cheers is still the kind of bar

where a single woman can be assured

of being harassed and hit on.

Hey, hey, get back here, all of you, right now.

Come on.

You mean to tell me

that you guys are bailing out on me?

Sam, I'm telling you,

within a month,

there's going to be wild music

and guys dancing and exchanging phone numbers.

You know, Sam,

you've got some really great friends here.

You've gone out of your way to make a bar

where customers can feel like they belong...

Part of the family.

And now they're walking out on you.

We don't want them...

Quiet!

Perhaps we should step

into the back room.

Anyone having something intelligent to say can follow me.

Fine, anyone with a two-bit opinion.

Look, Sammy, Sammy.

Sammy, look, I've got a simple solution

to this whole problem, see?

You just go up to the guys and politely ask them to leave,

then everything is back to normal, right?

Sam would never do that.

Would you, Sam?

Oh, no.

I'm not sure.

I mean, these guys are my regulars.

If I lose my regulars, I lose my bar.

And if single women stop coming in here,

I have no reason to live, so...

Well...

No emotional appeal here, Sam.

This is a purely intellectual argument.

You let this bar go gay,

you are going to have to hire male waitresses, right?

That means that I'm out on the street

and I'm not going to be able to feed

little... Sammy Tortelli.

Ooh, ooh, ooh, it kicked.

What?

Shh, shh, shh.

What's that he's trying to say there?

I'm hungry.

I'm hungry.

Oh, please, don't let Sammy do this to us.

Thanks for keeping emotions out of it.

I think it's a trick, Sam.

Sit down.

All right, we're all agreed, then, huh?

Sammy tells these guys to leave,

we don't go to Clancy's.

Am I right, Sam?

All right, all right.

Sam!

Hey, just leave me alone!

I'm running a business here.

What do think I should say to them?

Oh, well, it's very simple.

You just walk up and say, "Hello.

"We're a group of sniveling bigots

and, uh, we don't care for your kind."

That's good.

I like that.

Sniveling's good... sniveling.

Go ahead, snivel.

Hi, fellas.

Hi.

Hi, Sam, uh... what's going on?

Well, I got a little bit of a problem.

Maybe you can help me out.

See, I'm the owner of this bar...

Yeah, we know.

We read the article in the newspaper.

Oh, right, right.

That took a lot of guts.

It really did.

Yeah.

Uh...

So what's your problem?

As a matter of fact, I don't have a problem.

Coach...

get these guys a beer on the house.

Right, Sam.

What's the matter, Sammy?

You chickening out on us?

Yeah, Sammy, Sammy, Sammy.

I thought you always had more character than that.

Hey, listen, those guys are staying.

Anyone else wants to leave, that's fine.

Okay, Sam, you know what kind of bar

this could turn into.

It's not going to turn into the kind of bar

that I have to throw people out of.

That was the noblest preposition you've ever dangled.

Thank you.

Now, let me say this...

No!

Fine.

All right, gentlemen,

desperate times call for desperate measures.

What are you going to do?

What do you got?

Coach... last call.

What are you talking about, last call, Norm?

It's quarter to 7:00.

Whoop, no time for last call.

These glasses have to be off the tables by seven bells.

Huh?

Hey, excuse me.

This bar closes at 7:00?

Well, only on the first Thursday of every month.

You see, we call it

"vive la différence" evening.

Yeah, we go home to our wives, girlfriends,

workbenches, power tools.

This is the weirdest bar I've ever been in.

Coach, what the hell are you doing?

Sam, this is "vive la différence" night.

Where the hell did the month go?

What?

Your regulars just tricked those three guys

out of the bar.

How?

Let's have a round here, Sammy.

It's on Norm.

Yeah, all right.

What's going on here?

Oh, well, we just got rid of your friends, Diane.

Yeah, it was all Normy's idea.

The man's a genius!

Hey, Normy.

Way to go!

Norman, I think there's something

you should know about those guys.

Yeah?

They're not gay.

In fact, one of them tried

to hit on me tonight.

What?

But you said they were.

I said

there were two gay men in the bar.

I didn't say who they were.

They, along with myself,

have had a wonderful time

watching you make complete idiots of yourself.

Yeah, the guys I was talking about are still here.

Right, guys?

Right. Right.

Better than Vera.