Original subtitles

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.

You know, Sam, this is my favorite time of day.

What's that, Coach, closing time?

No, 1:37.

I don't know, there's just something about it.

It's...

I know what you mean.

I suppose we all got our favorite 1:37 story.

What's your favorite time of day, Sam?

Uh, gee, I don't know.

8:15's nice.

Yeah, I used to like 8:15.

I think I kind of grew out of it.

Hey, wait a minute!

Coach! Sammy!

Hey, I don't want to be left alone,

locked up in this bar all night...

♪ Quarter to three... ♪

♪ No one's in the bar except you and me... ♪

Once in a while, a man needs a little time to himself.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ ♪ ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Evening, everybody.

Norm!

Norman.

Beer, Norm?

Nah, I'd probably just drink it.

So what's new, Norm?

Well, I just came

from a late lunch at the Copley Plaza.

Whoa.

Whoo...

Norm, you had lunch

at the Copley?

Yeah.

Took a prospective employer there.

Kind of courting the guy.

So what did you have for lunch?

The, uh, rack of lamb for two.

It was just...

Don't remember what he had.

But, you know,

I saw Teddy Kennedy over there.

Whoa, Normy, really?

I still say that Kennedy will be president someday.

No, now wait, now wait.

Maybe even next time.

You know how politicians are.

That doesn't make sense.

No, I really don't think so there, Diane.

Uh, I've got a pet little theory about that.

Uh-oh.

You see, if you go back in history

and, uh, take every president,

you'll find that the numerical value

of each letter in their last name

was equally divisible into the, uh, year

in which they were elected.

All right?

So, who's going to win, Cliff, Reagan again?

What, Mondale?

No, not a chance.

See, I figured it out, and by my calculations,

uh, our next president has to be named Yelnik McWawa.

That's the stupidest name I've ever heard.

Sam, please.

You're talking about our next president.

So, Norm...

what's, uh...

what was Kennedy doing at the Copley?

Having lunch.

I got his autograph.

You disturbed him during his lunch?

No.

God...

I waited until he went to the men's room.

"Mar... Marty Broder"?

I got the wrong stall... I don't know.

Oh, Cliff...

Isn't that Tibor Svetkovic?

Svetkovic? Where?

Oh, yeah,

that's Svetkovic, all right.

Based on the fact

that he has a long name that you can all pronounce,

it's my guess he's an athlete?

Or, or will he be president in 1990?

Aw, Diane.

The man was Czechoslovakia's greatest hockey player.

He defected to us just to play in the NHL.

It's an incredible story, actually.

He, uh, dressed up as a woman,

hid in a hay stack,

crawled on his belly under barbed wire,

swam a couple of rivers

and stowed away on a tramp steamer just to get here.

It's amazing.

The next week,

the rest of his team came over on the Concorde.

That's what he gets

for not reading his schedule.

Well, uh, nobody said

he was a smart hockey player.

Is this my day or what, huh?

First Teddy Kennedy and now Tibor Svetkovic.

Hey... better memorize his shoes, Norm,

you might want to get his autograph later, you know.

Tibor, I see you play all the time.

I'm, uh, Sam Malone.

Your problem may be too much caffeine.

I'm sorry, what?

He's learning English from television commercials.

Ah.

And, uh, who are you?

I'm, uh, Lana Marshall.

I'm Tibor's commercial agent.

Is that right?

Well, I'm Sam Malone; I'm kind of the boss here.

Oh, you're the boss?

You going to tell me what to do?

Something tells me you know what to do.

I know what I like to do.

Well, that's nice.

I like a lady who knows what she likes to do

and does what she likes.

The mating ritual

of the horny-breasted lounge lizard.

Two beers.

Let me, uh... let me take care of you two here.

Uh, Tibor, uh...

"Miller time"?

Ah, TV.

Yes, sir.

What can I do for you?

What's your specialty?

Well, I do everything

the same around here... great.

Then why don't you surprise me.

Be my pleasure.

Mine, too, I hope.

I'll be right back.

I'll be right here.

She'll be here, he'll be back

and I'll be sick.

So, you get jobs for, uh, professional athletes

to be in commercials, huh?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I specialize in male athletes.

Don't you know who you were just talking to?

That's Sam Malone.

Cute guy.

Too bad he has dandruff.

He used to play with the Red Sox.

Really?

Who does he play with now?

Whoa.

You know, you give broads a good name.

Excuse me.

Could I ask you a question about your boss?

Ah, the king of the single entendre?

Tell me, does he have a wife,

or worse, someone he cares about?

He's available.

And very desirable...

if lummox is your cup of tea.

And it appears to be.

Tibor, I think it's time to get to the Garden.

Uh-oh, I'm late.

After game, your room?

No, Tibor.

I think I'm going to be busy tonight.

Okay, good-bye.

And this concludes another day of programming.

Sooner or later you'll own Generals.

Poor guy should really think

about wearing a helmet, you know?

I understand you were an athlete.

I'm sorry, I don't remember you.

Oh, that's all right.

Uh, I was a relief pitcher before they became famous.

I missed it by a year.

Tell me, have you done any acting?

Well, you know, yeah, I have.

Uh, I had the lead in a school play.

The one about the, uh, evil woman

who pushes her husband into getting rid of people

so they can have more and more power.

You mean Macbeth.

No, no...

uh, How Boots Fooled the King.

Uh, is that what Macbeth was about, too?

Tibor's looking better, isn't he?

Excuse me, I'll be right back.

Hey, Diane, we're talking here.

She's talking, you're killing time between thoughts.

You got a problem?

Look, Sam, just watch it, okay?

She's not one of your usual bimboettes.

That's what I like about her.

She's got a lot of class.

While I have never been a big fan of the women you date,

I will say that at least they were too stupid to be harmful.

I knew they'd grow on you.

Is there something between you two?

Uh, no, no, no, no.

That's, uh, that's just business.

Uh, I never mix in her personal life

and she mixes in mine.

Sam, I've just been talking to my secretary

about the winter schedule,

and I think there might be some commercials

you might do very well.

Me?

You're kidding.

No, you have a very sexy, playful quality

that I'm sure would come across on camera.

Aw, n-n-now wait a minute.

I mean, I haven't played baseball for years.

Uh, I'm not exactly a household name.

Non-star athletes are in vogue;

they come across as regular people.

What do you say, Sam?

Gee, I don't, uh...

God, I got to think about that a little bit.

Come on, Sam, do it, you're a natural.

Look at you.

You're tall, you're handsome, you got a great smile.

Show her your smile.

I'll be damned.

Who the hell was I thinking of?

You know...

You know, I have to admit,

all these years watching those commercials,

I always thought that I might be pretty good at it.

Let's do it.

Wonderful.

Look, I'm, uh, staying at the Ritz.

Why don't you come over later and we'll work out the details.

Uh, I don't get off until 2:00.

All the better.

Oh, all these people at the bar

and no one introduced us.

Uh, no, they didn't.

I'd like to thank each and every one of them.

Me, too.

Now for Field's Lite Beer,

former Red Sox starting pitcher Luis Tiant.

After the game, I like to sit back,

light up a cigar and enjoy a Field Lite Beer.

Hey, Luis.

Hey, Sam.

When you get to be my age... 30,

you don't want to get filled up.

That's why I drink Field's Beer.

It refreshing, it satisfy

and you don't full feel with Field,

you just full fine.

Full fill will Field, you'll full fine.

Sorry, Luis,

I don't think you've got it today.

I'm going to have to pull you.

Hey, Skipper, let me stay.

Sorry, big guy.

Go get 'em, Mayday.

Now pitching, Sam "Mayday" Malone.

Field's... it's refreshing, it's satisfying

and you don't feel full with Field's, you just feel fine.

Hey, all right!

Another save.

I still get the win, don't I?

Good job, Sammy!

All right!

Sammy, you are great!

Hey, Coach,

two bottles of Field's right here.

Normally I wouldn't use that stuff

to shampoo my dog,

but Sammy, you just sold me, I'll tell you.

Sam, you could sell me ice cubes in the middle of summer.

You're in show biz now, huh?

You're a star.

Sam...

Sam, could you introduce me to Gene Tierney?

I don't know Gene Tierney, Coach.

Okay, be that way.

Come on, Sammy,

how about a speech from the big actor, huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How did it feel to see yourself up there, Sammy, huh?

It was nice, it was, uh, very nice, okay?

Uh-oh, I was afraid of this.

We're going to have to sedate the man.

He's hysterical.

Sam, if there's anything

you want to talk about, get off your chest...

There's nothing I want to talk about.

I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, all right?

Now just wait on some tables, please.

Fine.

Hey, Sammy, that, uh, agent of yours

is hotter than a pistol, huh?

She's really earning her ten percent, huh?

Hey, listen, will you just leave me alone?!

Please, everybody, you got that?

Leave me alone.

Sam, let's talk.

There's nothing to talk about.

It's important.

Come back to the office now.

Uh-oh...

Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers again.

♪ Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers ♪

♪ Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers... ♪

Come on, guys...

♪ Sammy's in trouble with Miss Chambers... ♪

What?

What do you want?

Sam, you're obviously unhappy,

and everybody just wants to know why.

I'm not unhappy.

You're not?

No.

You're happy with the commercials?

Yes.

You... think you were good?

Yes.

Really?

Yes!

Well, what is it, then?

Are you happy with the money?

Yes.

Are you happy with the auditions?

Yes.

Are you happy with your agent?

Oh, God!

Ah, the dragon lady.

Tell me about it.

Why, what do you...

You want to hear me say you were right?

Of course not!

Knowing that and knowing that you know it

and are tortured by it is plenty for this country girl.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I am sorry.

I do want to help.

Come on, let's talk about it.

You want to hear about...

my relationship with another woman?

Well...

Maybe, um...

Maybe I should find a man out there

who's intellectually capable of helping you.

All right, everybody line up for the ugliest tongue contest!

Alphabetically by height, over here.

It appears that all the other intellectuals are busy.

Are you sure you want to hear this?

I'll stop you before I get the vapors.

You see, my...

My relationship...

Lana and I are a lot friendlier than most agents and clients.

"Friendlier"?

You know me, I mean,

I'm never against a wild night of friend-making, but, uh...

There's some...

I mean, now I feel that...

that I'm supposed to be friendly on demand.

And you're afraid that she'll stop getting you commercials

if you stop... being friendly.

You see...

when you play in the bigs like I did,

you get used to a lot of attention.

And when I stopped playing baseball,

uh, I felt like there was something missing in my life.

And... and I was just hoping

that these commercials would get it back for me.

Sam, Lana gave me a message for you,

but I can't remember it.

Lana's here?

That's it.

Oh, by the way,

what are you two doing here?

Sam, we've got a lot of customers out there.

Coach, I got a problem

and Diane's helping me talk through it.

Look, Sam, let me tell you something.

You've faced a lot of tough problems, right?

And you always found a solution.

But ever since Sir Isaac Hayes here came along...

No offense, Diane, I love Sir Isaac Hayes.

But, Sam, since then it's been talk, talk,

talk, talk, talk with you.

But this is a pretty complicated problem, Coach.

You see, Sam wants to break up with Lana

and he knows he should,

but he's afraid

that he will sacrifice his acting career.

You see?

Look, I don't understand what's going on here.

Let me show you something, Sam.

Come right down here.

Oh, Coach, look, I...

Just... please, come right down here.

Stand right here, Sam.

Here, pick that up.

What do you want me to pick this up for?

Just... just pick it up!

Ow!

Now, get the hell out there

and tell her that you're finished with her!

Will you please tell him it's more complicated...

Ow!

Out! Out!

Hustle! Hustle!

What do you want me to do?

What... All right!

Hustle, hustle!

That was wonderful.

Coach, somehow your instincts just told you to just...

Button it up, Diane!

We got a lot of people out there.

Move it!

Right, right, right.

Tell me something, Red.

Are professional athletes

better between the old Wamsuttas than ordinary men?

I've had no experience with ordinary men.

Oh, me neither.

But I'm trying to work my way up to one.

Believe me, athletes take their pants off

one leg at a time, just like anybody else.

They take off their pants?

Whoa!

Hey, I'm, uh, really glad you're here,

because there's something very important

I want to talk to you about.

Sam, what do you think of your commercial?

Well, it was, uh, it was fine.

But listen, I've been thinking...

I thought it was wonderful.

I've had a lot of calls about you.

Calls?

A lot of people saw you,

and they liked what they saw.

One of those calls was an offer for you...

A national commercial.

It's big money

and they want to fly you to Hawaii

and you're going to do the commercial with the Osmonds.

The Osmonds?

The whole family?

That's right.

Even little Jimmy?

Well, we're hoping.

Now, come on.

Well, uh, wait.

Was... wasn't there something

that I wanted to say to you?

No. Now, later, later.

We've got to get some pictures for you

and we really should buy you a new sport jacket

and afterwards we can stop off at the hotel for a bite.

And a nibble...

and a scratch.

Coach?

Sam, I'm getting real mad now!

Hey, no, no!

Don't, don't!

Lana.

Lana, uh...

we can't nibble anymore.

Why?

Uh, I... I just don't feel right about it.

I see.

Does this mean that, uh,

you're no longer my agent?

Sam, what kind of person would I have to be

to drop you as a client just because of this?

A dragon lady.

I'm no dragon lady.

Oh, good, good.

But I am going to drop you.

I've learned from past experience that once you've had

an intimate relationship with a client,

you can't go back to being just business associates.

Perhaps it's time for me to find a new face.

Hey, uh, my face is new.

Good, you still have time to return it.

She's good, Sammy.

So, uh, that's it, huh?

Yup.

Well, good luck in finding a replacement for me

in the Hawaii commercial.

If it takes me longer than six minutes, I'll quit.

Oh... boy, she is good.

May I ask you a question?

You want to know how he was?

Wha... what?

You really think I'm going

to stand here and listen to you

tell me how good Sam was?

Fair?

What do you want to know?

I want to know how you can live with yourself.

I can't.

That's why I like having young athletes around.

I've always been crazy about them.

You know, sometimes when I'm with one,

I swear I can actually hear the crowd cheering.

You know, I could understand this kind of behavior

from an oversexed adolescent or something,

but you're...

An older woman?

Middle-aged?

All the more reason to grab some youth.

You know, there was a time in my life

when men would invent little tricks and schemes

to get my attention.

Well, now I'm the one who schemes a little to get theirs.

That's not too unfair, is it?

But don't be too concerned.

Someday, even that won't work.

Don't judge me until the bloom is off your rose, honey.

Ta-ta.

She is good.

Field's... it's refreshing, it's satisfying

and you don't feel full with Field's,

you just feel fine.

Another save.

Come on, admit it.

I was good.

Hey, come on, say it.

I was good.

You were okay.

I wasn't okay, I was good.

What's it going to do,

kill you to admit that I was good?

All right.

You were...

N...

Good.

N...

Good.

N...

You were okay.

You were good...

And you did the right thing.

Thanks.

Hey.

Listen, before you came to work at this bar,

I... I never thought that much about morality and integrity.

You've made me aware of all that stuff for the first time.

Thank you, Sam.

That's why I'm firing you.

You can leave your apron right there on the bar.

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org