Original subtitles

Evening, everybody.

Norm! Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What's new, Norm?

Most of my wife.

Norm, I thought you were going up to Maine

for the holidays with Vera.

Yeah, I am, Coach.

So what happened?

Nothing, nothing.

Vera drove up last night and, uh...

I had to stick around for an interview today

so I'm going to drive up tonight.

She left me the directions here.

Should have no trouble finding the place.

Getting away, eh, Norman?

Yeah.

Yeah, we got, uh, just the two of us.

Oh, there're big, big trees up there, you know?

Got a frozen lake, uh...

one radio station.

It sounds very romantic, Norman.

Yeah, yeah, it does, doesn't it?

Where can a guy go for a good time around here?

Enjoy.

Norman, Norman...

Wait, wait, pal, pal, please.

I can't.

I can't do that to the Navy.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Hey, if you're in the mood for gum

I can get you a fresh stick.

Actually, I was looking for bugs.

Try the blonde girl's hair.

Say, uh, you're from England, huh?

How'd you guess?

Well, 'cause you sound smart even when you say stupid things.

I hope you won't think me

presumptuous, but dark, exotic women like you

bring a fever to my blood.

Wow, classy.

My name is, uh, Carla.

What can I get you?

How do you do, Carla?

Oh...

My name's Eric Finch.

Gin and bitters will do.

Oh, no, you have an interesting profile.

Neapolitan, right?

That's right.

My grandfather was from Naples.

We have an interesting saying in my business.

Giving your heart to a Neapolitan girl

is like forgetting to burn your code book.

Oops, blast.

Now I've bloody well done it.

You're not a spy or anything...

Shh. Quiet, please.

Please, don't say anything more.

You might put my life in jeopardy.

You see that man there?

Yeah.

He might be the secret agent

from some fallen country's intelligence.

I'd hate to live there.

Hey, all right, all right.

Here's a little known fact.

The smartest animal

is the pig.

What?

No, the dolphin. They look pretty stupid.

No, I'm telling you, your average oinker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Scientists say if a pig had thumbs and a language

he could be trained to do, uh, simple manual labor.

You mean they'd be part of the workforce?

Yeah, yeah, they'd give you 20, 30 years of loyal service

then at they're retirement dinner, uh, you could eat them.

All right.

Nah, for me the smartest animal is the pigeon.

What?

1,000 cars on the Turnpike,

they find mine.

I'd have to, I'd have to give my vote to the ants.

Ant? How do you figure that?

You ever see those farms they build?

Well, yeah.

Yeah, they build those things without plans.

To ants.

For all you do, this one's for you.

Hey, Coach, who do you say is the smartest animal?

I got to say Francis, the talking mule.

Uh, no, Coach, I don't think you're catching on here.

Uh, there was a real guy talking for that mule.

Ah, well, it wasn't

so much that he could talk

it was what he said, right, Coach?

Yeah, that's right.

And it's a lot better than that drivel

that Mr. Ed was giving us.

Good point.

Hey, uh, Sam.

A gin and bitters.

Hey, everybody, come here.

Don't anybody look suddenly

but there is a guy sitting over there who's a secret agent.

Oh, that's ridiculous.

Oh, thanks for being so cool.

You mean, like, a spy or something?

You mean like James Bond?

Hey, uh, Norm, Jack.

Come on, stakeout time.

What makes you, uh, think that?

Well, he kind of opened up to me.

I was sitting there talking to him and, uh...

he said he thinks I'm sexy.

They're trained to lie.

You know, Diane

he just got back from Ankara and he says that I'm cuter

than any of the Bulgarian girls he saw there.

Well, I'm not surprised.

Ankara is in Turkey.

Great, I really wanted to know that.

Another fascinating fact from the answer geek.

What's the matter with her?

Why are you always doing that?

You're always correcting people.

No, I'm not.

Oh, I stand corrected.

Oh, come on. That doesn't count.

I'm wrong again, Coach.

All I said was it doesn't sound

like he knows what he's talking about.

Who in the world would make the mistake

of thinking that Ankara is in Bulgaria?

Well, Francis wouldn't.

Ha.

If you're a spy, then how come you're sitting

with your back to the door?

Because...

I can see the door reflected in your beautiful eyes.

That old line.

Your eyes remind me

of an etching that I once bought in Norway.

I paid 200 gilders for it.

The currency in Norway is the kroner.

Oh, Diane...

If you have a license to kill

can I use it a second?

She's right.

She is?

Of course.

That's how we broke down Norway's economic system.

By infiltrating the government with foreign currency.

Is that right?

Oh, Diane...

And that way we undermined the people's confidence

in their totalitarian regime.

Ha-ha.

Norway doesn't have a totalitarian regime. Ha-ha.

Hey, get over here!

Pardonnez moi.

Believe my employer craves a word.

You bellowed?

Yeah, yeah, I did.

Uh, what are you trying to do?

I don't believe that guy's a spy for one minute.

I think he's lying.

What?

A customer in a bar is telling tall tales

just to impress a cocktail waitress?

Call 60 Minutes.

All right.

When you put it that way...

The thing is...

Look, look, listen.

Why do you suppose people come to bars in the first place, huh?

Oh, let me take a wild

stab at the one.

Perchance to drink?

Wrong, wrong, they could do that at home.

They come here to shoot off their mouths

and, uh, to get away with it.

Listen, in this bar everybody gets to be a hero.

Now what's the harm?

Sam...

any kind of lie is eventually destructive.

I was raised and educated to prize truth above all else.

This from a woman wearing rubber eyelashes and a padded bra.

That's a lie.

I'm going to need some proof.

Look, look, all I'm saying

is if this guy, uh, wants to be a spy

humor him, indulge him a little bit.

Sam...

Oh, come on. What's the big deal?

Okay, okay, he's a spy.

There you go.

Uh, excuse me.

Uh, Carla here, uh, she inadvertently

blew your cover before, uh...

Oh, boy...

So, uh, I understand you're in the spy game, huh?

Yes, yes.

What's it like to be a spy?

We swear, not a word you say

will ever go beyond this room, right?

We never go beyond this room.

Can I... really trust you chaps?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Trust us. Everybody swear.

Yeah, we swear.

Cross my heart.

What you've got to understand

is that we're not all like what we're portrayed in the cinema.

No, we don't think of ourselves

as heroes; we're just out there doing a job,

putting out lives on the line for democracy.

Tell us about your most hair-raising mission, huh?

You ever get betrayed in the sack by a Russian babe?

Let me tell you something about Russian women.

The cold weather makes them very passionate.

Lake Wannamukkitt, here I come.

You asked me about my most exciting adventure.

I think of Romania, 1973.

Yes.

I was captured by the dreaded RPB.

Ooh, the RiPBla.

They're every bit as fiendish as you've heard.

They even used the infamous Twister on me, the devils.

Wait, what's the Twister?

It's a ride at Coney Island.

Those animals.

Hey, Diane, why don't you just shut up, huh?

Carla, he's been lying to you.

No, he hasn't.

I mean, you are not a history expert.

You majored in poetry.

Tell her you haven't been lying, Eric.

Hey, tell her you haven't been lying, Eric.

She's absolutely right.

You mean you've been lying the whole time?

The whole time.

Let me get this straight here.

Cold weather does not make women passionate?

I'll see Vera in the spring. What the hell?

Why did you lie to us?

Because...

my life is...

very unexciting and it's... very dull.

I've been a failure

at everything I've ever tried to do.

But, you know, sometimes, late at night

in a friendly bar

I sometimes

can make someone believe that I'm interesting.

But you're much too smart for me.

You don't need any... illusions.

Good night, Miss.

Before you say anything

I would just like you to know

that I could not feel any worse than I do at this very moment.

So sorry.

I, um, forgot the tip.

Merry Christmas.

Wrong again.

I failed.

I blew it.

I quit.

I don't belong in a place like this

and there's no point in arguing about it.

Who's arguing?

I am opinionated.

I am stubborn.

I am smug.

Pigheaded. A little louder.

They can't hear you in the backroom.

I wouldn't have believed it

but I'm a total washout as a cocktail waitress.

I don't belong here.

Stay in touch, kid.

Carla.

Diane. Diane, please.

Listen.

I don't know exactly what's going on here,

but it looks like you booted a grounder, right?

Right. All right.

You know what I used to say to one of my ballplayers

when he made a mental error?

What?

Nothing. That's why I got fired.

Hey, come back.

Wait. Come back here.

Come back here.

Look,

you made a mistake, that's all.

Now make up for it.

Go find the poor guy,

bring him back here and apologize.

Well, that's a wonderful idea

but I wouldn't know where to begin to look for him.

Well, uh, I think your British embassy

could probably help you there.

Yeah, I've got a pretty good ear

for dialects

and my instincts tell me... Limey.

His name is Eric Finch.

All right, I'll do it.

I am going to comb this city.

I'll look everywhere.

Every hotel, every restaurant, every cheap dive.

I'm going to find this man or die trying.

Excuse me.

Look who's back.

I, um...

I just came back to try and explain to you

why I did what I did.

No...

Mr. Finch, come on, will ya?

Everybody in the bar exaggerates a little.

Sure. For example, I'm not really this good-looking.

I'm not. I'm not.

Come on, everybody in bars tells stories.

You just, uh, got a little carried away there, that's all.

That's right.

I'm afraid that I'm the victim of a...

of... overactive imagination.

You see, when you spend 12 hours a day in a room alone,

writing... writing, writing,

you... sometimes you just lose touch

with reality.

So, I'm awfully sorry

and I beg your pardon and good night.

No, no.

You write?

Yes.

Mostly verse.

Farewell.

Oh, wait.

You write poetry?

I'd love to hear some.

We all would. Huh?

Yes! Yeah, yeah!

You know, it's, uh...

it's not often we have a guy in here who can write poetry.

We got a guy in the men's room, Sam,

that writes some terrific stuff.

Gin and bitters, right?

Yes, thank you very much.

Are you published?

Oh, no, no.

I-I, uh, I don't even send my stuff in.

I'm not really very good.

Oh, don't be silly.

Let me be the judge of that.

I majored in poetry.

I thought you majored in philosophy.

No, it was psychology,

but that was, uh, before literature

and-and after French.

No, no, no, that was after art history.

And before anthropology.

No, no, no, we're forgetting Indian studies here.

Aah!

And... and, uh, Manchurian folk dancing.

All right.

Let's adjourn.

At any rate, I would love to see some of your work.

Well, I just don't have anything with me at the moment

except it's... all in here and here.

I must hear one.

Really?

Yes!

All right, well, I'll try something.

Uh, let's see, how did that go?

She I love, Alas in vain

Floats before my slumbering eyes

And when she comes, She lulls my pain

And when she goes

What pangs arise.

My God, that's lovely.

Hey, I kind of liked it.

What do you think there, Sir Norm?

Well, I think it'll look great up on the tiles.

Mr. Finch, I am awestruck.

Me, too. Great.

Please, tell us more.

Uh,

well, maybe not so soon after the first one.

Give us a little, uh,

chance to rub down the goose bumps.

This is a night I will never forget.

It so happens

that I am on speaking terms

with one of the poetry editors at the Atlantic Monthly.

Really?

Yes. He spoke at my college once.

I'm going to call him and tell him about you.

Wait, uh, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, uh, aren't you getting a little carried away here?

May I have the phone?

Yes. And loving it.

Humoring the guy is one thing.

I mean, he can have all the fantasies he wants in my bar.

But, uh, don't you think you're going a little too far

to make him feel good?

Sam, the poem that he wrote is excellent.

Scratch a liar, find a poet.

No, no, no,

so he memorized one.

What's that prove?

Sam, we are now

in my area of expertise.

When we want to talk about poetry, we come to me.

When we want to talk about jock itch, we come to you.

Don't even say that.

Uh, yes, may I speak to him, please?

This is Diane Chambers.

Uh, he's chatting with John Updike?

Well, interrupt.

No, I'm not kidding.

I have something that is going to make John Updike

seem like pretty small pommes de terre.

Diane, I wouldn't do this if I were you.

Uh, yes, I'll wait.

Would you leave me alone, please?

Mr. Finch,

he really should hear this directly from you.

Will you come over, please?

What is your best work?

Well, there's a little something that I dashed off this morning

I'm sort of proud of. Wonderful.

Uh, yes, hello, my name is Diane Cham...

Yes, I know you're very busy,

but I have a wonderful surprise for you.

Please, will you just listen for a moment?

Uh-oh, verse alert, Cliffy.

Strap yourself in, pal.

Uh-oh. Dive! Dive!

Excuse me.

We are about to make literary history here.

Hello?

My heart is like a singing bird

Whose nest is in the watered shoot...

Now that's a poet.

My heart is like an apple tree

Whose bough is bent with thick-set fruit

My heart is like a rainbow shell

That paddles on a halcyon sea...

My heart is gladder

than all these things

Because my love has come to me.

The nuns taught us that in school.

I get tears

just remembering.

No fooling? Tears?

Yeah, they used to whack us with their beads.

Ah, yes, Rosetti, you're right.

Thank you for settling that bet.

Wonderful.

Now, to whom could I speak about a subscription? I...

I don't believe this guy.

I mean, you cannot believe a word

that comes out of his mouth.

You know, if you could fix TVs

and crack walnuts on your forehead,

you could be my ex-husband.

Mr. Finch, or whatever,

uh, I don't know what your real story is...

And believe me, the last thing I want is for you to tell me...

Uh, but I want to thank you for entertaining us here tonight.

I'm really glad you came.

Well, thank you very much, Sam.

My real name is Thomas Hilliard III.

Well, whatever.

You know, you have a very charming saloon here.

Well, thank you.

I'm glad you like it.

And to show you how much I like it

I'd like to buy it.

How much is it worth to you, Sam?

This guy's not going to give up.

Wait, wait, wait.

Um, let me guess, let me guess.

You are, uh, an eccentric millionaire

who hangs around bars and, uh, tells stories about himself

just so he can have fun with the people, right?

Kind of like Howard Hughes,

eh, Mr. Hilliard?

Please don't mention that name.

He died owing me money.

You... oh...

Well, Sam, how much?

Uh, well, gee, this is kind of sudden.

Um, let's see.

I guess, what, uh, 20, 30 people

come through the doors every night.

$1 million seems fair to me.

You've got it.

Oh, hey, hey, Sammy,

uh, I think you're forgetting the jukebox.

He's right, I'm sorry.

Two million.

I think you're

taking advantage of me, Sam.

Hey, look at me, everybody.

Scratch a bartender, find a millionaire.

This is not funny anymore.

Oh, stop it.

I was right about him from the start.

He's a sick, sick man

with a very warped sense of humor.

He doesn't care who he hurts.

I won't take it anymore.

He's a pathological liar!

Oh, Diane, that's silly.

Excuse me, Mr. Hilliard.

Oh, my... God.

I just wanted to let you know I'm here with the car.

Thank you, Robert.

I'm ready to go.

I'm sorry we couldn't do business, Sam.

Million and a half and I'll throw in a blond waitress.

Those papers you've been waiting for

have arrived from Geneva, sir.

Good. I'll sign them on the plane.

Hey, get that piece over there.

I got it, I got it, I got it.

Oh, Sam.

Will you ever be able to forgive me?

Oh, come on, I'd never sell this place.

Hey, I got the date.

Okay, wait a minute... the decimal point.

I've never felt so abused.

I was wrong every step of the way.

I thought he was lying

when he was telling the truth.

I thought he was telling the truth when he was lying.

From now on,

I will not believe anything anybody says on any subject.

Aw, come on. You don't mean that.

You serious?

You bet I am.

You know, I think I'm falling in love with you.

Really?

Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH access.wgbh.org