Original subtitles

Excuse me. Yes, sir?

Can you check upstairs

and see if the table's ready for the Phillips party?

Sure, I'd be glad to.

Uh, what was the name again?

Phillips.

Phillips.

♪ Making your way in the world today ♪

♪ Takes everything you've got ♪

♪ Taking a break from all your worries ♪

♪ Sure would help a lot ♪

♪ Wouldn't you like to get away? ♪

♪ Sometimes you want to go ♪

♪ Where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ And they're always glad you came ♪

♪ You want to be where you can see ♪

♪ Our troubles are all the same ♪

♪ You want to be where everybody knows your name ♪

♪ You want to go where people know ♪

♪ People are all the same ♪

♪ You want to go where everybody knows your name. ♪

Captioning sponsored by PARAMOUNT PICTURES

Hey, lock up your daughters.

The Fighting Double Deuce is on the loose.

Can I help you?

Well, you should help me.

I sure helped you.

Why, I was fighting

the Kaiser when your daddy was in diapers.

Where's the rest of my outfit?

What you got on looks silly enough.

I'm talking about the other boys from the 22nd Brigade.

I'm meeting them here.

I hope you're not expecting the whole brigade.

I'm kind of low on lemons.

No, no. Just the guys from my squad.

What's left of them.

I'm Buzz Crowder.

Sam, I got this one.

Buzz. Uh, Buzz.

I'm the fellow you talked to this morning.

I didn't recognize the uniform on the telephone.

Come on, let me show you

the back room.

It's in the back here in the back.

I'm sorry about that.

Can I get you something to drink back there?

Oh, no, I don't drink.

But keep plenty for the others.

We got a lot of catching up to do.

We meet in this bar every ten years

to reminisce.

What war...

what war were you in, uh, Buzz?

Why, the First World War, of course.

Is that the one with Clark Gable

or Gary Cooper?

Wow. I'm 85.

What's your excuse?

Uh, baseball.

What you writing, Slacks?

Um, my thoughts.

That would explain all the blank pages.

Carla, I'm writing

during the odd moments of the job

much as Jack London did.

Oh, is he a bad waitress, too?

Ladies, please, enough girl talk.

Ah. Any sex in it?

Ah!

I've started writing down bits of conversation

I hear in the bar.

Sometimes

people say things that strike me as snippets of Americana.

You mean, things said by, uh, customers, employees?

Yeah.

The owner?

Uh... I'm afraid you're not represented.

Just my luck.

She doesn't like my snippets.

Afternoon, everybody.

Norm! Norm!

Norman.

What you up to, Norm?

20 years.

A beer, Norm?

Does a rag doll have cloth knobs?

There's a lady present, Norm.

Oh, sorry, Diane.

A shot of bourbon.

Uh, sir, save your quarter.

That piano hasn't worked in 20 years.

Use the jukebox.

It doesn't work, either, but it's only a dime.

Sammy, why do you keep something

around here that doesn't work?

'Cause no one else will give her a job.

L-Ladies, Ladies...

Got something good there?

Yes.

A remark a customer dropped just a moment ago.

Oh, yeah?

Quotable remark, huh?

You know, it occurs to me

that sometimes we find truth comes in a glass.

Or a mug.

Or your face.

Hey, Pinky!

You old brat!

Sammy, uh, Tinker Bell here or what?

Uh...

hey, Buzz?

Buzz, isn't he a little bit young to be one of your guys?

Huh?

Oh, of course.

I'm sorry.

Well, from behind you look exactly

like the young Pinky Peterson.

You shouldn't walk up and grab people like that.

Uh, if I buy you a beer, will you forget it?

Buy me a pitcher, you can kiss me on the lips.

Hey, you're all right.

I'll be in the back.

Everything all right back there?

Well, that room is kind of small.

One grenade will get us all.

Aw, this looks like a nice saloon.

We aspire to saloon.

Can I just sit anywhere?

Try the bar.

Makes good cover during the gunfights.

Hi.

What'll you have?

Uh, I'll have a carafe of your house whiskey.

Excuse me?

Uh, is that a bad order?

Well, not if you're a party of 20.

Oh.

This is the first time I've ever been in a bar.

No kidding.

No, really.

I was just passing by and decided to drop in

and see what it's like.

Well, does it, uh, live up to your expectations?

Well, I expected

to see more lost, desperate souls sitting around.

Well, Desperate Souls Night is Thursday.

All the beer you can, uh, cry into for a buck.

That's very amusing.

Thank you.

Where's Diane?

I've never had hard liquor in my life.

You see, this is my last day in the secular world.

Tomorrow I'm going into a monastery.

Oh, yeah?

So, this is, uh, kind of like your last fling?

Well, first and last.

All right, I'll give you a drink

but I want you to take it easy.

It kind of sneaks up on you.

You know, I once thought of being a priest.

Oh, you're religious?

No, I just thought

it'd be a nice kind of peaceful life, you know?

Allow me to dispel your misconceptions.

Oh, thank you, Father.

You sure I can't get you something, Buzz?

Not yet, Sam.

I came out to warn you about something.

Me and the boys have got a little joke

we play on each other.

You see, first man here always goes in the back room

strips down to his all together...

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Then... stands on the table.

And when the others walk in

he yells out, "Lafayette, we are here!"

Well, tonight it's my turn.

Thanks for the warning, Buzz.

Yeah.

Oh, Sam, uh...

could you turn the heat up just a little bit in there?

A monk, huh?

Hey, does that mean you have to give up...?

Well, as the French so delicately put it

the old, uh, eh-eh du eh-eh?

I have to take a vow of chastity.

I also have to take a vow of silence.

Yep. You're going to give up sex

you might as well give up talking.

What fun is messing around

if you can't tell the guys about it?

It's no big deal.

I've never had much luck with girls, anyway.

They don't find me attractive.

Oh, hey, Kev, you're an attractive guy.

Diane?

Yeah.

Don't you think, uh, he's a specimen?

Of...?

Well, yes.

He's a very attractive fellow.

Come on.

I-I know I don't have any sex appeal.

I'm shy, I'm serious-minded.

The search goes on for my chin.

Kevin, speaking as a woman

may I say that it's good you're going in the monastery?

You could be a real heartbreaker.

You're not a bambo, are you?

No, no.

A "bimbo."

Ah!

No, no.

It's "bimbo," not "bambo," and I'm not one.

But you are.

Attractive, Kevin.

Attractive.

What a great girl!

Sam...

is she taken?

Only with herself.

One drink in four hours.

Is that what they call nursing it?

No. That's what they call bringing it back from the dead.

I hate to admit it, but Carla just got in the book.

Yeah, well, I always say, uh

nurse a drink, starve a bartender.

Excuse me, Sam.

Uh, smite me again, barkeep.

You sure you want another one

of these, Kevin?

Yes! I'm rather enjoying myself.

Okay, I'll, uh, make this one a little weaker.

No charge for the water.

You needn't worry, Sam.

I know I'm a novice drinker

but I've only had one in all the time I've been here.

I'm not ready for the lampshade yet.

Excuse me.

You know something, Sam?

That Kevin's going to make a great monk.

He's got a good attitude.

Diane?

Yes.

I want you.

Oh, oh.

No, no. Please let me down.

Down! Down! Kevin!

Diane, are you okay?

I'm okay. I'm fine.

I think I'd like to go freshen up little bit.

Absolutely.

You okay? Yeah.

Lafayette, we are here!

Hey, here's a little-known fact.

Now, most of you are probably under the assumption

that basketball was invented in these United States, right?

Yeah, James Naismith, Springfield College.

I can see it's a good thing I showed up tonight.

Basketball was invented

thousands of years ago by the Mayans.

They played it for centuries.

Is that true?

Sure.

Hey, watch me get the coach on this one.

Hey, Coach, I got a question for you.

Yeah, Cliff?

Who invented basketball?

The Mayans.

Way to go, Coach.

Where did you hear that?

Well, how should I know?

There must have been a Mayan in here bragging about it.

Volume, Sammy, it's come-back time.

Let's go.

All right.

Can I have your attention?

Shh, shh, shh.

I've been sitting here drinking all evening

and now I have something important to say.

Yeah, down the hall and to the left, Kevin.

First, I'd like to make a public apology

to the young lady I insulted early this evening.

I lost my head.

Kevin, please, don't worry about it.

Apology accepted, Kevin.

Second, I'd like to thank you all

for helping me see the light.

It is clear now that I am not fit

for the monastery.

I succumb too easily to the pleasures of the flesh.

That's okay.

A lot of that going around.

Don't worry about it.

Tonight has proven that I belong here in a bar

drinking booze with seedy degenerates

and getting slapped around by cheap dames.

Kevin, it's our pleasure.

Kevin...

I'm going to give you a real man's drink here.

It's called coffee.

Coffee?

Men drink that?

Men who've had too much to drink do.

That's it!

That's the ball game.

Hey, Norm, pay up.

What do you say...

Double or nothing on the highlights?

Oh, Sam.

Any of my squad check in?

Uh, not yet, Buzz.

Maybe I won't wait for them.

Send me back a ginger ale.

Sam.

I want a drink that only men drink.

Something that makes women sick.

I'll give you some more coffee.

No, no, I want something stronger than coffee.

I'll give you yesterday's coffee.

Kevin

look, you're going to have a big day tomorrow.

How you going to feel

walking into a monastery with a hangover?

I'm serious, Sam. I'm not going.

Kevin, you're drunk.

I am?

Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

What about your calling, Kevin?

Oh, I never had a calling.

I talked myself into believing that.

I've always been an ordinary person

and thought that would make me special.

This guy's discovered

forever's a long time to go between hay rides.

You're going to turn your back on God because of sex?

Believe me, sex is not that important.

Carla, whoo, hey.

Well, it's not. It's not.

Can sex make stars?

Or a tree or a rainbow?

Can sex make an ocean, or a newborn baby...

Forget that one.

I know just what she means.

I once had a religious experience

just watching a hummingbird hovering next to a flower.

It's almost impossible to imagine

that something could

hang in midair like that for so long.

I guess you never saw one of my curveballs.

You all think

a man can't change his life in one evening

but I have.

I want to be a regular guy.

I want to arm-wrestle and tell crude jokes

and spit on the floor.

And I want to dance with cheap women.

Carla, let's dance.

Put that in your notebook, I break your fingers.

Kevin, Kevin

just sit down for a sec...

No, I want to dance, Sam.

I'm having the time of my life.

I don't ever want it to end.

Come on, Kevin, that doesn't even work.

It doesn't?

Well, then...

I thought you said that thing was broken.

It is. It was.

I mean, it hasn't been working for, uh, 20 years.

Oh, my God.

Kevin, do you realize what this means?

I've healed a piano?

It's a miracle or something.

No, wait, wait a minute.

Miracles don't happen.

Are you sure it was broken?

Yes. The motor was rusted solid.

How could this happen?

Well, maybe something or somebody's trying

to tell you what to do with your life.

Get into piano repair.

No, no, wait, wait... Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

What are you... what are you trying to say?

Well, Kevin, you said you're an ordinary person.

Maybe you're not.

Maybe you have a direction.

You might as well try and find out.

Oh, you're right.

I've come too far to let one night in a fleshpot

change my whole life.

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.

Thank you.

Hey, kid, all right.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Good night, Kev.

Thank you.

Bye, Kevin.

See you at church.

Good night.

Boy, that was inspiring.

Sam, are you sure

you didn't get that piano fixed?

I didn't get it fixed. Did you get it fixed?

Yeah, a couple of days ago, Sam.

I meant to tell you about it, but it slipped my mind.

Coach, why did you think it was inspiring

if you got the piano fixed?

Well, gee, Diane, that piano's been busted, for what, 20 years?

Why did I all of a sudden decide to have it fixed?

This would make a great bar story.

Too bad we're all here.

Poor Buzz.

He's breaking my heart.

None of his old buddies showed, huh?

No, he's back there all by himself

throwing darts.

He's been throwing darts now

for an hour and a half.

Poor guy.

You know, I don't think they'll ever make a pack

big enough to carry the loneliness of a soldier.

Nah.

Oh, come on.

Sam?

What do I owe you, Sam?

Nothing, Buzz.

Uh, the room's on us. Forget it.

Well, thanks.

Hey, uh, Buzz...

I was in the Army myself, you know?

Fort Dix.

Yeah, I served in the Navy, Buzz, in Pensacola.

I was in the Reserves.

I, I was never actually in the Army

but I did serve in uniform; I was a Brownie.

I won merit badges.

I was in St. Cletus' Correctional Institute for Wayward Girls.

We used Brownies for firewood.

You know

every reunion we've had has thinned out a little more.

I-I guess this is the last one.

I guess I'm the last one.

Hey, come on. Maybe they, uh... Maybe they just forgot.

I mean, people tend to get busy and make other commitments.

Yeah. Yeah.

Maybe, maybe their lives aren't going so well

and they just don't want to come down here

and see how great you're doing.

Maybe they never liked you.

Those guys would never just forget, uh-uh.

No, not after the things we went through together.

No, sir.

Oh...

I'm going to miss these reunions.

Oh, wait a minute, Buzz, wait a minute.

Listen, if all you want

is some buddies to get together with, we're here.

Yeah.

We're not old coots like you

but we feel like we know you.

Intimately.

Look, Buzz...

Buzz, maybe we could have

like, a reunion every ten years.

Why ten?

What's wrong with every year, huh?

Yeah.

How's about every week?

♪ Mademoiselle from Armentieres, parlez-vous ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Parlez-vous ♪

♪ La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la ♪

♪ Hinky-dinky parlez-vous ♪

Every ten years will be fine.

Ah, come on, Pinky.

I'll beat you at darts.

Oh, yeah, we'll see about that.

Come on, everybody.

Listen, Sam.

You don't need me now, do you?

I've got an early class in the morning.

No, that's all right. You can go.

Good, thanks. COACH: Sam.

You know something?

Loneliness is a good thing to share with somebody.

Oh, wow.

Oh...

"Oh, wow"?

"somebody."

Would you get my purse for me, please?

This has been a great day, huh?

How could I have known when I woke up this morning

that I would meet a monk and a doughboy?

Two men with one foot in heaven.

Oh, that's good.

Uh, hey, wait.

Wait a second.

Uh, it's not like

this is important to me or anything

but, uh, are you aware

that I'm the only person in this whole bar

who's not in that book?

Uh... really?

When I played baseball, I mean

I used to get quoted all the time.

I mean, reporters used to hang around my locker

just waiting for me

to say something intelligent.

I know the feeling.

Sam.

Come on. That was a joke.

Okay, fine.

No, you're not joking.

You're telling me that I'm too dumb to be in that book.

Sam, there are a lot of people in this book

just as dumb as you are.

Now, look.

I want natural poetry, okay?

I'm writing down spontaneous statements.

All day, you've been trying too hard.

Okay, fine.

You know, I don't really want to be

in that stupid

pretentious book of yours anyway.

You know, you've been writing

some pretty stupid stuff in that book.

I mean, I've heard

some of the stuff you've been writing

in that book, and it's stupid.

You know, I mean, what does a stuffed shirt

know about blue collar poetry, huh?

That's good.

Whoa, that's really good.

"What does a... know about..."