Original subtitles

Once upon a time, there were three beautiful girls.

Two of them graduated from the police academy.

The other graduated from a top school for models.

And they each reaped the rewards

of their exciting careers.

But I took them away from all that and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

Oh, what about the set's budget?

On which production?

On Lady West. Have you seen the figures?

Yes, I've seen them.

Then I can tell production you approve?

I don't approve,

but there doesn't seem to be much I can do about it

since we finish shooting next month.

I don't wanna discuss it now, I'm going home.

You can call me there, okay?

Well, don't just stand there, you idiots. Go after him.

My God! Oh, my God!

Stop "my Godding." Go get a doctor.

Hang on. You're gonna be all right.

Shall we assume, Mr. Tobias,

that the arrow that hit your chauffeur

was meant for you?

Definitely. Can you hurry with that?

Sure.

No, no. First the ice, then the bitters.

Ah, this is the third incident

that's happened at the studio, Mr. Tobias?

Yes, and you can call me Jonathan.

How democratic.

Was anyone else hurt in the first two incidents?

No, a wardrobe designer was coming to my office

when, zap, an arrow dug in the lawn by her feet.

Good, now slowly with the soda.

And when did the first incident take place?

About three weeks ago.

A stunt gaffer was rigging some trampolines

for a period picture we're shooting.

You're doing it right now.

I'm so glad.

Anyway, zap goes an arrow into the trampoline.

Scares him half out of his residuals.

He up and quit.

Your studio security has had no luck at all?

Negative. Everyone at the studio is uptight.

It's starting to affect morale,

and sooner or later,

that will affect production cost.

I'm afraid the whole thing has the smell

of an inside job.

I agree. We're gonna need some good cover roles, Charlie.

Well, Charlie has already seen to that.

Uh, you'll contact an old friend of Charlie's

called Big Teddy.

And he will give you your instructions.

Big Teddy?

You'll love him, Julie. He's tops in his field.

If he's tops in his field, whatever that is,

how come he's not working for me?

I only hire the best.

Good for you.

Perfect. Stop pouring.

You have just learned how to properly construct

a Jonathan Tobias special.

No kidding.

And, uh, what's it used for?

Well, when the pressure builds,

when your tummy tells you it's not happy,

when you gotta deal with the jerks of our industry,

then you drink it down, and voila, now you can cope.

And nothing and no one can get to you.

You promise?

I said it. It must be true.

Hey, this really works.

I think maybe we'll be able to work for you, Jonathan.

Listen, Big Teddy,

I really hadn't planned on anything like this.

Are you listening to me, Big Teddy?

Just tip off the platform like I showed you.

When I yell "tuck," ” tuck,

and it will lay you out flat in the bag.

Now, come on.

Aah!

Tuck!

Aah!

Kelly, speak to me.

Speak to me.

Do I have all my parts?

Uh, I think so.

Aah. Are they in the proper arrangement?

Uh, I think so.

Oh, Kelly, you were so brave to go first.

What do you mean brave? We drew straws and I lost.

I cheated.

Oh, how could you do that?

Fear. Simple fear.

All right, who's next?

You wouldn't wanna draw straws, would you?

Ha-ha! With you?

Kris, wouldn't you have cheated

if you were the one who held the straws?

We'll go together.

No! Aah!

Go for it, girls!

Well, having fun?

I'm not speaking to you.

Are you ready?

All right, go.

Tuck.

Well done.

Are you ready? Come on.

All right now.

Oh, my God.

Come on, let's go. All right now.

Go.

Tuck.

Well, I am very impressed.

Drop dead.

Twice.

I thought you weren't speaking to me.

You know, it wouldn't hurt if I reminded you all

that this was Charlie's idea and not mine.

It wouldn't hurt and it wouldn't help.

Hi.

JULIE Where's Kris?

Oh, she's gonna be a little late.

Oh, bad for the first day on the job.

Oh, she had to go see her chiropractor.

Evidently, she displaced something

trying to please Big Teddy.

Oh, I see.

Yeah, I thought you would.

Well, I must say that after just one week

at Big Teddy's Stunt School,

you two have certainly acquired the look.

You too.

Me?

Yeah, you've acquired the look of someone

who's been stuffing his face

while we're sweating our buns off.

Well, yes, but if I am to play the role

of an Eastern film financier, I have to look the part, right?

Okay.

Tell me, how did you arrange for three unknown stunt ladies

to get called on this lot?

Oh, Charlie and our client

pulled a few strings with the unions

and the local stuntwomen's group.

Hmm.

Here we go.

Huh, I'm to report

to Marian and Her Merry Maids set?

Yes. That's the period picture that our client mentioned.

And I'm going to Lady West.

Right. That is the Western flick

our client is shooting.

You see, the demographics indicate

that a contemporary Western theme

with a female star as the protagonist

has a credible market in the Midwest

for an age range audience of say, 12 to 35.

Well, Bosley,

you certainly have picked up on the lingo, haven't you?

Just my natural leadership qualities

coming to the fore.

Shall we step into the magical world

of make-believe?

Okey-doke.

Bosley, John Bosley.

I believe Mr. Tobias is expecting me.

Okay, why don't you go...?

All right, you go to Stage 19.

That's up there to the left. Follow the numbers.

Okay. Bye.

Bye.

"Marian and Her Merry Maids."

Right.

Well, you're a pretty maid. You know that, don't you?

And you sure are a fine figure of a man.

Ooh, she speaks with sweetly blessed lips.

And each word flies like tender doves

upon the morning air.

Beneath that uniform beats the heart of a poet.

Ah, I wish it could be so.

What is it they say?

All things are possible?

That's right. That's what they say.

Stage 12. To the right. Follow the numbers.

Thank you.

All right, get the fans for the air bag.

Everybody take their places. We're going to try a take.

Okay, here's the gag.

You two guys come along the porch.

I will fire an off-stage gun.

You duck down, the squibs go off behind you.

You figure you need hostages, you each grab one of the girls,

you put the girls in front of you

and then you dive off the porch

into the haystack.

Any questions?

Got it.

Okay, let's do one.

You stand right over here.

Don't you move now.

Hey, partner, would you, uh... 7?

Would you mind if I said this dance was already taken?

Let's hold the noise.

All right, quiet now.

And rolling.

Sound's ready.

And action.

Hey, hold it.

Hey, are you okay?

I think so. What happened?

He happened, again.

Angels, I'm having second thoughts

about you three being stuntwomen as your cover.

Oh, I think it's a little late for second thoughts, Charlie.

I take it ...you've picked up some bruises.

You know, the area between your left elbow

and your left shoulder, Charlie?

That's where it hurts?

No, that's where it doesn't hurt.

Oh. Well, I think we'd better come up

with another sort of cover.

We've already established ourselves as stuntwomen.

If we switch now, somebody's gonna get suspicious.

Good point.

I'm afraid we are going to have to stick it out.

Who's we, kemosabe?

All you've been doing is chowing down

in the executive dining room.

Yeah.

True,

but I have kept my ear to the ground, so to speak.

And guess what I came up with.

A flat ear.

Funny.

Our client, Mr. Tobias,

has been locked in a corporate battle

with the studio board of directors.

What are they battling about?

Mr. Tobias wants total artistic control

and the board doesn't wanna give it to him.

For example, there was a lot of opposition to Mr. Tobias

when he asked to do a remake of Marian and Her Merry Maids.

A remake?

Well, so to speak.

You see, the studio shot it 30 years ago

under a different title with a male star.

And it was a real blockbuster, to employ the jargon.

And now they don't think it's commercial?

Well, you'll all see for yourselves

when you report to work tomorrow

at the set of Marian and Her Merry Maids.

And you had something to do with that.

Yes, as a matter of fact.

I felt that there was safety in numbers.

So I saw to it that from now on

all three of you will be working on the same set.

Good thinking, Bosley.

Is Marian and Her Merry Maids,

is that old-fashioned?

The costumes may be period, but the pain may be very real.

Kris. KRIS: What?

A person could get hurt doing this.

Let's go see what Kelly is up to.

And cut.

Showbiz.

Did you get it?

Print it. That's beautiful, ladies.

Thanks very much.

Take 10 while we set up the next shot.

Everybody okay?

Thank you.

JULIE

KELLY

KRIS

Well, you merry maids

sure came down hard on the old sheriff.

Well, he is the heavy in the piece.

Cute, huh?

By the way, I met a new friend.

This is Ellen Travers and her husband, Jeff.

Hi.

Howdy. And it's Stanowitch.

I beg your pardon?

It's Jeff and Ellen Stanowitch.

Travers is just a name her agent dreamed up.

Not so ethnic, he claims.

Oh, I see.

I don't know what's wrong with ethnic, though,

but she went along with the sawed-off little jerk.

Jeff, he's not a jerk.

Ah, but he is sawed-off.

As in short, you know.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Weren't you elected

Miss National Rodeo Queen last month?

Yes, I was.

I'm surprised you'd remember that.

We're trying to forget.

Anyway, it was swell meeting you, folks.

Come on, honey, I'll get a blanket for your legs.

Oh, that's okay, they're not cold.

I know best. Come on.

Be seeing you.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Hey, isn't that Micklin,

the stunt gaffer we worked with the other day?

I wonder what he's doing here.

They're calling in all the heavy-duty personnel

on this production. Big bucks.

There's a major stunt coming off this afternoon.

Ah.

Oh, wow, that ought to be fun to watch.

I don't think you'll be watching.

How come?

We're gonna be in it.

Great.

Well, now you understand what I need?

I'm afraid so.

What did she say?

Uh, she said she's not afraid.

Okay, uh, when the other lady

jumps out of the tree and stops the three fellows,

we swing down and knock them off their horses.

All right, right.

But keep the action going till I yell cut.

Okay?

Piece of cake.

I never knew Sherwood Forest was on a sound stage.

Movie magic.

All right.

All right, now we'll roll then I'll cue the horsemen.

Micklin ready? Yes, he's all set.

You gonna be okay?

Ah. Easy as falling out of a tree.

She said it, I didn't.

Okay, let's do it.

Okay, quiet now and roll them.

Speed.

And action.

If I should die before I wake...

That's far enough, sheriff.

Cut. Print. Beautiful. Beautiful.

Help me. Help me, please.

Okay.

Oh.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Get a doctor!

I'll get him.

Lie still. Don't move.

It's important you don't move.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

I just knew something like this would happen.

I told her not to get involved in all this movie craziness.

I told her!

Just calm down, Jeff. It's gonna be okay.

I can't calm down and it's not okay.

And the name is Stanowitch, Jefferson Stanowitch!

Mr. Stanowitch, did you see who did it?

Some guy.

Some screwball stepped out from behind those walls

in some dumb outfit and shot her.

He just plain shot her.

I knew it.

I just knew you'd get hurt.

How is Ellen doing?

Bos and Kelly are at the hospital, Charlie.

Kris is on the other line with them now.

It seems we're making very little progress

on the case.

Yeah, I know. And meanwhile, people are getting hurt.

Well, there's obviously a common denominator

in all these incidents.

Our freaky fellow

with the arrows and the pointed shoes

is concentrating his hostility on Marian and Her Merry Maids.

Hold on, Kelly.

But we were working on a western

when the arrow hit the air bag, to coin a phrase.

Wait a minute.

Maybe the arrow wasn't aimed at the air bag.

Maybe the arrow was aimed at Micklin, the stunt gaffer.

He was standing right next to the bag when it happened.

That's true.

And Micklin was hired on as stunt gaffer

on Merry Maids the very next day.

That's right.

Maybe we should do some heavy research

into the Merry Maids production.

You know, Charlie, something occurs to me.

Marian and Her Merry Maids is a retitled remake.

Which means what?

Well, I don't know. Maybe nothing.

But I think it's worth looking at the original film.

We might get an idea or two.

Not a bad thought.

I'll call our client,

have him set up a screening at the studio

first thing in the morning.

Bye, Kelly.

Well, Ellen got out of surgery

and it looks like she's gonna be okay.

Oh, thank God.

She's gonna be all right?

She's gonna be fine. Good as new.

I'd never forgive myself if she was really hurt bad.

Well, it's not your fault that there's some crazy

running loose around the studio.

Well, it's my fault for not being stronger.

I told her not to get involved in all this,

but she pleaded and I gave in.

Hi.

Hi. How do you feel?

Uh, I hurt.

Don't you worry.

As soon as you get out of here, we're packing up

and heading right back to Arizona where we belong.

Tell her I'm right.

Well, whatever makes both of you happy.

Ellen, did you see anything out there today?

I didn't see anything.

I felt the arrow hit me,

and I looked down,

got sick,

passed out.

Ellen, sometimes a person goes into shock

after an injury.

Then later, they remember things.

Do you understand?

I think so.

Why are you asking me all these questions?

Maybe this will, uh... This will explain.

Townsend Detective Agency?

We're private investigators.

The studio hired us to find our mad archer.

You're kidding. No.

So if you can remember anything,

anything at all that might help,

I want you to call.

We'll talk more later, okay?

Okay, you got a deal.

Thanks. We've gotta go.

I'll drop by tomorrow.

I'll be here.

Okay.

Detectives.

You just get well, honey, I'm taking you home.

Hi.

You worked the Merry Maids set yesterday, didn't you?

Right.

Did you see what happened? The girl getting hurt, I mean?

No, I turned around and she was on the ground.

It was crazy.

The whole studio about ready to jump out of its skin.

Security called us here

and said to keep an eye on everyone

going out of the gate.

How are you today?

Okay.

I take it neither of you saw anyone odd leaving the studio

after security alerted you.

If we arrested every odd person who passes through the gate,

the entire industry would have to close down, right?

Yeah, I suppose so.

The whole thing is getting out of hand.

And I don't much like to see young girls like yourself

putting yourselves in harm's way.

Well, I'll keep a sharp eye.

You do that.

These are strange times we live in

with cruel and twisted paths ahead.

Okay.

What do you think?

Well, this original version of Marian and Her Merry Maids

is nothing like what we are doing.

What we're doing is garbage.

I was so young when I saw this.

I never realized how classy it was.

It's so poetic and lovely.

Yeah, another time, another place.

Perhaps a better place.

That Errol Flynn was really something.

Yeah, he was one of my favorite movie heroes.

Listen, would there be any point to getting a rundown

on all the people involved in this production?

And names of the people that are involved in the remake?

You know, do some in-depth research?

Good idea. We might get a connection.

Well, it's a long shot.

What else have we got?

Nothing else.

That could be really tough research.

This movie was made over 30 years ago.

It's no problem.

Bosley will do it.

Bosley has done it.

Even as we speak, Charlie's computer is humming

with a complete rundown of everyone

even vaguely connected with both productions.

What insight you have, Bos.

Aw, you needn't have said that.

Modest too.

Not really.

It was probably Charlie's idea.

That is an unkind cut, wench.

Though truly spoken.

Well, listen, we better get to wardrobe.

Bye, Bos.

I'm coming.

Oh, sire,

it is indeed the cruel and crooked path

that lies before us.

There is a black-hearted soul among our merry band.

But fear not, sire.

I will seek him out

and clear our good and noble name.

You have my word.

If I put the camera over there,

what does it do to your stunt diagram?

Well, I don't know. Take a look at it.

All right. Look, this is...

Come on here, we'll put the...

It will be okay.

Well, I wonder what delights are in store for us here.

I heard something about a brawl.

All right, all merry maids, where I can see you.

Once more into the breech, dear friends.

Well, hello.

Howdy.

How's your wife this morning?

She's coming along fine.

Good.

I came by to pick up some of her things

in her dressing trailer.

Oh, yeah? I'm going that way myself.

Hop in.

Thanks.

All right, folks.

Folks, listen. Listen, please.

Come on, we've got a long afternoon

and I want your attention.

That over there is right in George's way. Can we move it?

Hey, Tom, according to my last timing,

this fight should go three minutes,

but I can't tell how accurate that is until we really do it.

Okay, we're ready.

Now, let's try a walk-through.

Now, these stunts are rather involved

and we don't want anybody to get hurt.

Because God knows there's been enough of that

going around for the past couple of weeks.

Remember your positions, just like we rehearsed it.

Don't try to be heroes now. Save it for the camera.

All right, now, remember, this is just a rehearsal.

Take it easy, by the numbers.

Okay, now the idea is we create mayhem,

but all in fun.

Tell me when you wanna set the breakaways.

We have two sets of doubles.

After that, we've two takes if the jokers don't foul up.

Don't worry, we'll do it one take.

Now, the key stunt people will handle the heavy stuff

as I've indicated in the diagrams.

The rest of you will concentrate

on taking punches and doing falls.

Again with the falling?

Okay, let's everybody pad up

and come back and we'll try one.

Hi.

Oh, hi, Bos, what are you doing here?

Charlie just sent over the computer readouts on everyone.

So I picked them up at the gate

and caught a lift over with Jeff.

How's Ellen?

She's gonna be okay. - Great.

Did Charlie's computer come up with anything?

I don't know, I haven't been able to open the envelope yet.

Listen, I need to pick up Ellen's clothes and stuff.

Her trailer's next to mine. I'll show you where it is.

Fine. See you later.

Bye. KELLY: Bye.

Okay, all of you,

look at your diagram and instruction sheets

that were given to you yesterday.

We'll get into position

and then we'll walk through the first series of moves.

All right, now, remember, this just a rehearsal.

The action starts

when the tavern keeper picks up the guy,

lifts him over his head and tosses him into the table.

Okay, we're ready.

All right, let's do one.

Action.

Lift him up, over there...

You know, I have dreams that look like this.

Hmm, yeah, but when it speeds up,

I bet it's gonna feel a lot more like a nightmare.

Hey, hey.

Is something wrong?

I'm not sure. But according to this,

one of the featured players with Errol Flynn

in the original epic of Merry Maid

was an actor by the name of Joseph Warnwright.

I never heard of him.

Oh, you wouldn't have.

He got out of the acting business years ago.

But he's still here at the studio,

working as a gate guard

under his real name, which is Jake Webner.

Jake Webner, that's the old guy who checked our passes.

One and the same.

I just called down at the gate,

he was supposed to report back to work after lunch

20 minutes ago.

But it seems that he's just disappeared.

Well, that may or may not mean anything.

It might be just a coincidence, Bos.

I know, I know. But I just thought

that you should be told so you could keep an eye out.

Why don't you call Kelly in the dressing room?

Also, get her back here.

It's no fun getting abused without her.

Really.

All right, now, let's put the breakaways in.

That over there is right in George's way.

That should do it.

All right, folks, let's get ready for picture.

All right, now, quiet and rolling.

Speed.

Action.

Hold it! Hold it! Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

This isn't the way we worked on the scene at all here.

This isn't... You're not...

You should be back in this area right here, okay?

Aah!

Oh, my God!

Where did that come from?

- Hey, what's going on? - Where did that come from?

- This stinks. - Anybody got first aid?

- Don't crowd him. - Don't lose him.

- That hurt. - Get a blanket.

Stop right there.

I don't want to hurt you.

What the devil's going on around here?

Come on.

Hello, operator? I want the number...

The number of a dressing room trailer.

I hope everything works out for you and Ellen.

Thanks.

And I hope you find out

who it was that hurt her and the others.

By the way, what were those computer readouts

Mr. Bosley was talking about?

Oh, we're doing a computer rundown

on everyone connected with the production in any way.

And, uh, how does that help out?

Well, a lot of times, it doesn't,

but sometimes we get lucky.

Speaking of luck, I hope you and Ellen have the best of it.

Thanks again for everything.

Okay.

Yes?

Oh, hi, Bos.

What? Are you sure?

Of course, I'm sure.

Kris and Julie are bringing him down now.

Jake is the real mad archer.

What do you mean? Do we have more than one?

Well, in reading through these computer sheets

that Charlie sent over,

I noticed that Ellen and Jeff are also archery experts.

They do a bow-and-arrow act on the rodeo circuit.

Ellen and Jeff are archery experts?

You're certain of that?

Yes, I'm positive.

What the devil does that have to do with anything?

Well, maybe nothing, except that Jake Webner

couldn't have shot Ellen yesterday.

He was on gate duty.

I'm positive.

I talked to the other guard on the way to the stage today.

He and Jake were on duty

when security called about Ellen being hurt.

Hang it up.

Go on, do it.

Do it.

Listen to me! I swear I didn't mean to hurt her.

I swear it!

I had to do it. I had to.

I had to get her away from this place

or I was gonna lose her.

Open this door!

Listen to me. Listen to what I'm saying.

I didn't mean to hurt her. I just meant to scare her.

Make her think it was that other guy, whoever he is.

I swear I didn't mean to hurt her.

I swear it!

I can't let you tell Ellen.

Jeff, put it down.

Slow and easy.

Put it down, Jeff.

My name is Stanowitch!

Mr. Stanowitch.

That seems to be what all the trouble is about.

Look at this.

Total inefficiency.

Wait till I get a hold of the head man

of Studio Maintenance.

A room like this forgotten.

Gathering dust.

And I'm paying taxes on it.

Just gathering dust.

And weirdos in funny clothes.

You, I'm gonna send to the funny farm.

You have any idea how much money you cost me?

You've lost a great deal more than money, Mr. Tobias.

Now, what is that supposed to mean?

You've lost your audience.

You've lost the people who care about pictures,

really care.

I mean good pictures,

not the kind of garbage you make.

He's not only weird, now he's a film critic.

So it seems.

I would also say

you've lost your sense of decency and good taste.

But on the other hand, if you've never had something,

how can you lose it?

You know, you got a lot of guts.

For all the trouble that you're in,

you're talking to me like I'm the one

with the parts missing.

Well, sire,

I doubt that he can cure himself,

but at least he's named his own affliction.

If you're ready to take me now, I'm ready to go.

Well, like they say, it takes all kinds.

Right, sweetheart?

Goodbye, Mr. Tobias.

Goodbye, sweet prince,

wherever you are.