Original subtitles

Once upon a time

there were three beautiful girls.

Oh.

Two of them graduated from the police academy.

The other graduated from a top school for models.

And they each reaped the rewards

of their exciting careers.

But I took them away from all that

and now they work for me.

My name is Charlie.

This is our day, darling.

I know. I know.

Now, you two stay here.

I'll be right back with the good stuff.

I'd like our share

in a cashier's check, please.

The only way to fly.

Aren't you sorry now?

Sorry about what?

About John.

Aren't you sorry you doubted him and aren't you ashamed?

No, I'm not ashamed.

As your older sister,

it's my duty to protect our investments.

You just can't accept it, can you?

You just can't accept the idea

that someone like John could love someone like me.

Okay, I accept, I accept.

Now I'm gonna go get a paper.

Are you certain you wanna carry all this cash, Mr. Thornwood?

I love the feel of cash. Crisp, friendly.

It was nice having a corporation with you, Mr. Harrison.

Short-lived, though, it was, heh.

I've always found that life's brief encounters

are sweeter somehow.

Do you mind if I use your back door?

What's wrong?

That creep. He's running out on us.

What are you talking about?

John. He had a car stashed in back

and he's splitting with our money.

I don't believe it. No, you wouldn't.

Are you hurt?

Well, then shut up.

CHARLIE: Miss Stone,

how much did Mr. Thornwood cost you and your sister

before he fled San Francisco?

Mr. Thornwood relieved my, uh, sister

of a hundred thousand dollars.

Unfortunately, since our parents' death,

we have a mutual account.

And her loss is my loss.

This John Thornwood,

his scam is a South American oil exploration venture?

Yes, he put up a hundred thousand dollars

of good faith money,

which, uh, we matched in a corporation he set up.

The corporation was legitimate.

But the oil well wasn't?

Yes.

John... Mr. Thornwood lied very convincingly.

You've been to the San Francisco Police, of course.

And the state attorney general

and a few other minions of the law.

The bottom line is, that with two countries involved

and all the red tape

the legal fees and the time lost

will cost us more than hundred thousand dollars we lost.

So you want us

to try to recover your money.

Is that right, Miss Stone?

Yes. But equally important

I want Mr. John Thornwood punished for what he's done.

Well, Miss Stone, we might be able to recover your money,

but we're not in the business of punishing people.

Oh, I don't mean that you should beat him up

or anything that gross,

even though he does deserve it.

I just want him off the street

so he doesn't take advantage of, uh, other silly young ladies.

Miss Stone, do you have any idea

where Mr. Thornwood is at the moment?

Well, just what I told Mr. Townsend,

I heard he was down here in Los Angeles.

!/ may have a line on him, Bosley.

A friend of mine at city hall, Department of Rent Control

says a man named John Thornwood

has moved into a new luxury apartment in the valley

called the Wiltern Arms.

All right, Charlie, we'll check it out.

Then you will be staying here in Los Angeles, Miss Stone?

Oh, yes.

To watch you hang him out to dry.

Just hold on, madam, you hornswoggled me.

Just keep your voice down, Tex.

You cheated me.

Is that anything like hornswoggled?

You're darn right it is, little lady.

But the police got another name for it.

Embezzlement.

Either you keep your voice down

or I'm gonna call the police and have them come

and toss you out of here. You are crazy.

You did me out of $50,000

and you're gonna call the police.

If you think you have a case against me

then go talk to the attorney general or something.

In the meantime, either you get out of here

or you're gonna be parking your boots in the hoosegow.

Me? On, you are loco.

You are loco.

Oh, I'm sorry. Did the noise disturb you?

Uh, no, no, I was just getting in.

Your, uh, boyfriend seemed a little upset.

Oh, no, he's just a business acquaintance, um...

We had this little venture together

and it didn't work out for us.

He's not taking it too well, heh.

Too bad.

Oh, since we're neighbors,

my name is Kris Munroe.

John Thornwood.

In case you wanna borrow a cup of sugar or anything.

You'll be the first one I'll call.

Hi.

Your cup runneth empty.

Well, you know what they say.

Empty cup, full heart.

It must be chilly out there.

Something wet?

Sounds wonderful.

Mm.

Well, who would have believed it.

Who would have believed what?

Well, my evening started out so unpleasantly

and it's ending SO nicely.

But it hasn't ended yet.

Mm, I do have to go home.

Don't con a conner.

What do you mean?

Now listen, don't play games with me, okay?

I'm the one who saw you blowing off

that mark in the hallway, remember?

Mark?

Baby, drop it.

It takes one to know one, right?

You made a 50,000-dollar score.

I'm impressed.

Well, fancy that.

Birds of a feather living right on the same roost.

Mm, I wonder what Mr. Thornwood is doing

up so early in the morning?

From what Kris could learn last night

she gets the impression

he's working another con here in L.A.

Shall we follow?

How very pretty you look today, Miss Regis.

Oh, Professor Thornwood.

I don't know what to do when you say things like that.

The only thing you can do, Miss Regis,

believe everything I tell you, heh.

I found that material you were asking about

on American folk art, Professor Thornwood.

Oh, please. Call me John.

Professor Thornwood?

Well, we know who Thornwood's next victim is.

A lady who works in a gallery?

It doesn't make sense.

Why don't you find out who she is?

And I'll eavesdrop a little.

Is the material helpful, Professor Thornwood?

I mean, John.

Very. Very helpful.

I, uh...

I was wondering. Yes?

Would you, uh, think me terribly forward

if I ask you to join me for dinner

to, uh, discuss a project I'm considering?

Tonight?

Uh, no, not tonight, but, uh, soon.

Tomorrow night? Not that soon.

Night after tomorrow?

Whenever you're available.

I'm available tomorrow night.

Good.

I'll pick you up when you close.

I'll be waiting.

Pardon me. What?

Ah, I couldn't help noticing such a handsome man.

Is he a friend of yours? Yes, he's my friend.

Actually, heh, we're nearly engaged.

Oh, well, you're a very lucky girl.

Yes, I am.

I love him.

Very much.

Find out who she is?

Yes. Her name is Monica Regis.

She owns this place.

Bingo.

Well, his next mark.

You're telling me, Kelly

that Monica Regis fancies herself in love

with Professor Thornwood?

Well, I heard him ask her out

on their first dinner date.

The next thing, she told me

he was about to become her fiancé.

When a nice, intelligent woman

like Monica Regis lies, Charlie,

she's definitely in love.

Heh, is that how a man tells when a woman's in love, Julie?

She lies?

Charlie.

And to think that I've spent half of my life

in search of an honest woman.

A fool's pursuit, Bosley.

Kris, do you think you'd be

able to persuade Thornwood to become your partner?

Well, I'm working on it.

There's one thing that worries me.

Which is?

Monica Regis. I get the impression

that there's been very few if any men in her life at all.

She could get hurt very badly by Thornwood.

Perhaps if you became

her confidante, Kelly, you could advise her.

Well, I'll try.

By the way, Bosley,

did you come up with anything on Monica Regis' background?

Well, I'm not really sure, Charlie.

You see, there seem to be some discrepancies.

Discrepancies?

Yes. I couldn't find

any kind of family background on her.

And although she does own the Regis Gallery,

it was originally purchased in her behalf by Trans Allied

which is some sort of a financial holding company.

Maybe I should check that out, Charlie.

Good idea. The more we know about Thornwood's victim,

the better we can protect her.

Well, if there's a local listing for Trans Allied,

I'll look in on them in the morning.

Be careful, Julie.

There's a rumor that Trans Allied

is syndicate-connected.

Meanwhile, I have to get back to my new apartment.

I have invited Professor Thornwood

for a quiet little dinner.

Oh, uh, how do you intend to keep him at your table

and out of your bedroom?

Well, I'm not.

You are. Oh.

Say again.

Okay.

Time for a little something smooth.

Why don't we have something smooth in there?

Mm, right back.

Hello?

Kris.

Oh, hello, Mr. Popodopoulous.

How are you this evening?

Cold and uncomfortable.

How nice.

Well, have you thought about my Egyptian project?

You have? Good.

Would you like to become involved financially?

Wonderful.

Six months?

Oh, I'm afraid I can't wait that long.

Yes. Yes, I understand.

Well, perhaps another project another time.

Goodbye, Mr. Popodopoulous.

Andros.

Spill it.

What?

Your Egyptian project.

It wasn't very important.

You're frowning. That makes it important.

Your mark just blew in empty, right?

No. He'll take the hook.

He just can't come up with the money soon enough.

What's the setup?

I never mix business with pleasure.

Business is best when it is pleasure.

Okay. I'll tell you.

I did all this research, I learned the lingo.

I set up this phony mailing address in Egypt.

It's a buried Egyptian gold scam.

Sounds like you've done your homework.

I have.

What are you using for bait?

Fifty thousand dollars.

And the mark puts up matching funds.

It's an old saw, but it always works.

Okay.

But why settle for 50,000

when we can make it a hundred and fifty?

I don't follow.

I've got a hundred thousand.

Are you saying you want in on this?

Oh, you pick up quick.

Okay, okay. What's the split?

Equal to investment.

I double my hundred thou, you double your 50.

Oh, wait a minute. I did all the groundwork.

Yes, but you just lost your mark.

And I've got one who can go the whole bundle.

Now.

Well, you certainly don't waste any strokes, do you, John?

Here's to sticking it to the suckers.

My very thought.

Bos, are you sure I've got the right address?

Trans Allied, 1930 West 67th Street.

But this doesn't look like a financial holding company.

It looks like a... Like a meat packing factory,

which it is.

Well, that's the address in the phone book.

They're the ones who bought the Regis Gallery.

Okay. All right.

I'll check it out and get back to you. Bye-bye.

Who do you wanna see exactly?

The boss. Exactly.

You'll have to give me his name.

You don't know your boss's name?

The question is not, "Do I know?"

The question is, "Do you know?"

I, uh, represent a group of cattlemen from the Midwest

who might be interested in doing

some business with this company.

Well, if you'll give me the information...

Oh, no, no. They insist that I speak to the headman personally

since a great deal of money is involved.

All right.

I'll let you see Mr. Fenell.

But you better be who you say you are.

Hey. What are you doing?

Like I said, you better be who you say you are.

Check out her purse and call me back.

Hi.

Sit down, Miss, uh... Rogers.

Julie Rogers.

You represent some cattlemen?

Oh, yes.

What do they want with me?

Well, uh, they heard a lot of nice things about you.

They did?

Oh, I mean...

I mean, they said you were a decent sort of fellow.

I am?

Aren't you?

Yeah?

Townsend Agency?

What's that?

Oh, get her.

Hey! Grab her!

So the lady is a detective.

I can explain. No, I'll explain.

The first rule around here is nobody lies to Joe.

Joe? Joe.

Me. I'm Joe.

Good. Let's use first names.

You wanna know what the second rule around here is?

How many guesses do I get?

None. Because I'm gonna tell you.

The second rule around here is you don't lie to Joe.

Wasn't that the first rule around here?

That's the first and the second rule.

Now, does that tell you anything?

You don't like to be lied to?

Right.

Which means, little lady,

that you are in big, big trouble.

Young lady, I'm getting tired of this.

Maybe you should sit down.

Who are you and what are you doing here?

Listen, this is all a mistake.

Why don't I just take a walk

and we'll forget the whole thing?

Look, you better start talking

or the only way you'll get out of here is feet first.

Okay. Okay, I'll level with you.

Okay, I'm listening.

You're right. I am a detective.

And, uh, my boss, Mr. Charles Townsend,

was interested in donating

some very valuable art pieces to the Regis Gallery.

Art pieces?

Yes.

But he, uh, wanted to make sure

that Monica Regis was legitimate.

And, uh, her background however was a little muddled

and then when we learned that Trans Allied Associates

purchased the gallery in her behalf,

well, we wondered why.

And your boss wants to donate something to this gallery?

Right.

So that's what this is all about.

That's what this is all about.

Okay. I'll make a deal with you.

I'll take it.

The truth is, Monica Regis is my daughter.

Your daughter?

That I care about a lot.

But why...? How come...?

That she uses a different name?

Yeah.

Well, in my business,

I tangle with the law sometimes.

You tangle with the law?

Sometimes with the government.

Wait a minute.

Joseph Fenell, Senate Rackets Committee,

about six weeks ago.

They tried to frame me. They didn't make it stick.

Oh, I get it. You don't want your daughter

touched by anything publicly embarrassing.

Which was why we changed her name.

Ah. Joe, you don't have to worry about a thing.

Your secret's safe with me and Mr. Townsend.

And your boss will still make that donation

to my little girl's gallery?

Oh, absolutely.

I'll be anxious to see what it is.

Oh, ye... Me too.

Well, it's about time for Thornwood and Kris

to lay the hook on Monica Regis.

Yup.

Your choice of exhibits is most elegant.

You're very kind, Miss Garrett.

Ah, I thought we agreed.

You were gonna call me Kelly and I was gonna call you Monica.

Friends?

Ah, there's that handsome fiancé of yours.

Excuse me. Hmm.

Now, what is the total capitalization necessary?

Three hundred thousand. Hmm.

So with your 50,000 and my hundred thousand

we've got half of what we need.

Yes, but unfortunately, time is running out.

We need that other hundred and fifty thousand

very quickly.

And that's not gonna be easy. No.

But this could prove to be

the most historically-significant

discovery of the century.

I mean, not to mention the financial rewards.

Well, the financial rewards would be pleasant, of course.

But you see, I'm much more interested in

what we can accomplish aesthetically.

I like you, professor.

Hello.

Hello. Darling.

Well, I don't believe you've met my associate, Professor Munroe.

Professor, this is my very good friend, Monica Regis.

Hello. Hello.

Well, I'll be running.

There are a couple of other possible investors

I'd like to go talk to.

Dinner?

Yes.

Uh, I couldn't help but overhear you.

It sounds like you're involved with something interesting.

Oh, it's just a personal dream of mine

with certain problems.

Nothing you should be concerned with.

Oh, come on.

We have dinner reservations in half an hour.

But maybe there's some way I can help.

I don't think so, darling. Oh, tell me, please.

Well, if you insist. You see.

Wait a minute. Run that by me again.

You did what? I asked Miss Regis to marry me.

When? An hour ago.

Right after I reluctantly explained to her

how we needed a hundred and fifty thousand dollars.

But why? Why did you ask her to marry you?

I always ask the mark to marry me

before I ask her for the money.

Hey, relax. I only ask. I never do it.

So, what did she say?

Well, uh, yes, of course, to the proposal.

And the hundred and fifty thousand.

It seems Professor Thornwood

has given us a rather knotty problem, Angels.

If Monica gets hurt and I know she will, Charlie,

I'll personally crucify Thornwood.

She's really in love with him, Charlie.

We could simply tell her the truth about him.

I doubt that she'd believe us.

Wait a minute.

Maybe we could beat Thornwood at his own game.

What do you mean, Kris?

Well, if we could set it up

so that Thornwood had to marry Monica Regis

to get the money, he'd back out.

And she'd realize what he was up to.

Well, it would save Monica a lot of future heartache.

Of course, it would blow our chance to nail Thornwood.

Well I think we can find another way to nail Thornwood.

Seems to me Miss Regis' feelings

are the most important consideration now.

I agree, Charlie.

Having met Monica's father, I can tell you,

making her unhappy could be very dangerous.

Oh, yes, you're right. I checked out Joe Fenell.

Eastern syndicate type, very tough.

Uh, Kris, when are you and Thornwood supposed to set up

your phony corporation with Monica Regis?

Tomorrow morning.

Have you picked the bank you're going to use?

Not yet.

Good.

Because the president of Certified National Bank,

Bill Connors, is a friend of mine. I'll call him.

Maybe we can give Professor Thornwood

some corporate complications.

McBAIN: Uh, Mr. Connors, I don't understand.

Why can't Miss Regis deposit

her hundred and fifty thousand dollars

in the corporation now? Well, uh, she could.

But since you and Miss Regis are going to be married

it would be wise for her to make her deposit

after the wedding.

Otherwise, uh, we have to do all the paperwork twice.

And there is the community property thing to consider.

Heh. Yeah, but you, uh...

You see, uh, we're in a bit of a bind.

Time wise, I mean.

I mean, we could lose this whole project, right?

Right.

Wait a minute. I've got an idea.

Why don't you and the professor get married right away?

Right away? Sure.

I know this doctor. We could rush through the blood test,

we could pull few strings at city hall,

you could be married at my house tomorrow.

John. John, did you hear that?

Uh, yes, yes, I heard.

Mr. Connors.

Here are two cashier's check.

The professor's for a hundred thousand dollars,

mine for $50,000. Start the paperwork.

Sign. The minute Monica and the professor get married,

she'll come in, she'll sign, make her deposit

push the whole thing through full court press. Good idea?

Well, yes. Yes, I, uh, think that might work.

Is something wrong?

There's nothing wrong, darling.

In fact, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Let's get married right away.

I think I'm gonna cry.

Me too.

Brilliant. You were absolutely brilliant.

How shall we set it up?

Set what up?

The phony marriage ceremony. What else?

Phony marriage ceremony?

Hey, what's wrong with you? It was your idea.

Why are you acting like such a dummy all of a sudden?

Oh, oh, I was just trying to remember

who I worked with last time I did the phony marriage scam.

Oh, well, if you can't remember, there's a guy I've used.

I think he still lives in San Francisco.

Oh, no, no, no, my guy's right here in L.A.

Do I know him? What's his name?

Bosley. Reverend John Bosley.

Reverend Bosley?

Uh, Kris, I'm afraid you've got us all a little confused.

You want us to help Thornwood

set up a phony marriage ceremony?

No, Charlie.

I want us to make Thornwood think it's a phony ceremony.

But I think that Thornwood and Monica

should be married for real.

For real? Are you crazy?

Well, maybe I am, maybe I'm not.

But let's talk about it.

We just did. You're crazy.

Am I?

Look, Monica is so crazy about Thornwood.

She'd probably make him the world's best wife.

And he would make her the world's worst husband.

True,

if Monica's father was anyone but who he is.

Wait a minute.

You're saying

that Papa Joe would keep Thornwood in line?

Well, since you've met Papa Joe and we haven't

you'd have to be the one to answer that.

You know, it's a very interesting premise.

Now, you wait a minute.

Are you saying that Papa Joe could keep Thornwood in line?

Well, let's put it this way.

If Thornwood made Monica anything but happy,

he would really, really regret it.

It seems to me, Angels, the question is

are we better off revealing a painful truth to Monica,

which could hurt her the rest of her life

or would we be kinder constructing a lie

that might make her deliriously happy

the rest of her life?

Are you sure this is the church Monica said she called?

Right. She talked to a Reverend Benedictine.

And you're sure she's never seen or met this Reverend?

Positive. Whoever shows up at the wedding

saying he's Reverend Benedictine she'll believe him.

Sounds good.

The only thing Monica seems worried about

is me meeting her father.

Yeah, well,

the less you see the family, the easier this will come down.

We don't wanna delay the ceremony.

That's Reverend Benedictine?

Must be.

So we grab him and your fellow Bosley

shows up at your apartment for the ceremony, right?

Right. All you have to do

is pretend that Bosley is Reverend Benedictine

and nobody will be the wiser.

Whoo.

Are you Reverend Benedictine?

I am.

Good. We've got the right man.

Bless me, child.

Sorry, Reverend. Now, I want you to get up

and walk into that building with me.

My child, why are you doing this?

No time to explain, Reverend. Walk.

Inside, Reverend.

Please, I have a wedding to perform.

Uh-huh, that's been taken care of.

Inside.

May the Lord forgive you for you know not what you do.

You don't mess around, do you?

Come on. You have to get dressed for your wedding.

Monica doesn't suspect anything?

She's brimming with joy.

How did it go with Bosley? - Good.

Now, so Thornwood won't know who Monica's father is

until the last possible moment.

We're gonna go and do our little delaying tactics with Papa Joe.

Okay.

Make sure Papa Joe gets here just a little before noon.

By then, things will be moving so fast,

Thornwood won't have time to think.

Got you.

Bye.

Well, how do I look?

You look beautiful.

Oh, you shouldn't do that.

Do what? You shouldn't lie.

I'm not lying. All brides are beautiful.

Didn't you know that?

On a good day, I'm ordinary.

Kelly, I don't know exactly why John wants to marry me.

Well, if at first he seems a little uneasy or scared,

don't let it bother you.

Kelly,

whatever it takes to make him happy, that's what I'll do.

I know he's not perfect.

I know he's probably not quite what he appears to be,

but none of us really are. It doesn't matter.

Because I've got enough love for both of us.

Monica, you're a very wise lady.

I've got my first love and my first friend.

I'm very lucky to know you, Kelly.

Well, I'm pretty lucky myself.

Put them away.

Mr. Fenell, what happened?

I got enemies.

What are you doing here?

I was coming here to see you.

About what? Business.

But I see you're all dressed up to go out.

Yeah, to my daughter's wedding.

Now I have no wheels to get there.

Oh! I'll tell you what.

We'll give you a ride to your daughter's wedding.

Uh, you can call a garage,

get your limo fixed and have it driven to her place

and then pick it up after the ceremony.

That's very nice of you.

No problem. I love weddings anyway.

Oh, leave the keys in the ignition.

I've got a phone in here,

you can call the garage on the way.

That's a very nice lady you've got there.

Oh, she's a peach.

My, don't you look handsome, Professor Thornwood?

Have you met Reverend Benedictine?

No. No, I haven't.

Here he is. Yes.

Here's the nervous groom.

Ah, Professor Thornwood.

Reverend.

Excuse me.

You look like you're about ready to choke on that collar.

Hello

This is Mr. Fenell, the bride's father.

How do you do? How do you do?

Well, we have a very nervous bride in there

and a very anxious groom out here.

So, what say we get them hitched

before one of them has a nervous collapse?

Professor, this is Monica's father, Joe.

And, Joe, this is the man your little girl's gonna marry.

Uh, pleased to meet you, Sir.

Nice to meet you.

Heh, uh, you, uh, look familiar to me, Joe,

uh, like, uh,

uh, maybe I've seen you some place before.

I don't think so.

Uh, the newspaper maybe.

I don't think so.

Shall we get the bride, Joe?

Uh, everybody into position.

Hey,

have you seen her old man before?

I don't believe I've ever seen him in my parish.

Parish? You're a laugh a minute.

And I now pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Bosley, where is she going?

Uh, uh, what did you say?

I said where is she going? No, no, no, I mean,

what did you call me? Bosley?

Yeah. So? My name is Benedictine.

Reverend Benedictine, remember?

Now, look, Bosley,

we don't have to keep up a scam anymore.

I don't know what's wrong

or why are you saying these things

but I assure you, I am Reverend Benedictine.

There.

Bos, where are you going?

I know a shortcut to the bank.

Assuming Thornwood is going to the bank.

Oh, he's definitely going to the bank.

There.

Well, I think it's time we phoned our clients.

What do you mean the corporation's been dissolved?

I mean it's been dissolved.

Miss Munroe withdrew the hundred and fifty thousand

you and she deposited.

When? About an hour ago.

Professor.

I don't know what you're up to

running out on my little girl's wedding.

Personally, you look like a pansy to me,

but she's chosen you as her husband.

So whatever it is that makes you go flying around

like a spastic spider,

put it out of your mind.

Say, uh, aren't you Joe Fenell?

Mr. Fenell to you.

Are you listening to what I'm saying?

Uh, yes, yes, Mr. Fenell, I'm listening. I'm listening.

Because unless you keep my little girl smiling

for the next 50 years or so,

I'm gonna come down on you

real hard. You understand?

Put him in the car. But don't bruise him.

He's got a long night ahead of him.

Let's go.

Well, it's not a marriage made in heaven,

but it will do.

Why are you crying?

You got back your hundred thousand dollars.

Because I wanted to marry John.