Original subtitles

What

How dare you? That's the crudest remark I've ever heard.

Esta bien

- Ooh. - It's okay. It's..

...it's okay, we'll get you to a hospital.

Okay, okay, okay.

Por favor.

My wife, she have a baby now!

It's okay. Okay.

Hey!

'Hey, come back!'

Hey, come back!

Hey, don't leave me!

'Come back, officer!'

Ten minutes? More like 30.

It was an emergency.

I'll split it with you. Fifteen.

Yeah, well, now I know why you're always broke.

You can't add. Come on, what happened?

My motor home had a sudden illness.

The generator died.

No electricity, no water pressure

no air conditioning, no nothing.

I had to get a mechanic to fix it.

A mechanic? You need a surgeon.

Alright, you can laugh but you got a home

you got a place to stay.

All I got is an emergency on wheels.

Thirty minute emergency.

We'll have to see if Getraer thinks so.

Hey, he's just a sergeant.

Nobody asked him to think.

Help! Help!

Over here! Help me, please!

Over here! Come! Over here!

'Help! Help, please!'

You came back. Gracias, gracias,you came back.

- Very good.

'11-82 Northbound on Hollywood at Alvarado.'

Quick, mi esposa.

Hey, Ponch, call for an ambulance.

'Make sure it's equipped for a premature.'

'This lady doesn't have much time.'

- 'Easy, easy.' - LA. 15..

...roll a county rescue for emergency in childbirth.

Just a minute now.

I'm afraid.

I'm afraid.

There you are. There you are.

There you are, uh.

Okay, now, just bear down. Relax, okay.

Let Mother Nature take its course.

- 'Bear down.' - I'm-I'm afraid.

No, no, I can't.

- 'No.' - Deep breathing.

'Come on, come on. Just take it easy.'

I can't, I can't, I can't.

I'm gonna lose my baby.

'No, no, no. You're not.'

Just hang on.

Everything's gonna be okay.

'Oh, please, it's our first baby.'

We can't lose it.

Nothing can happen.

'Please don't let nothing happen.'

Oh. everything is gonna be great.

Everything's gonna be great.

We do this all the time.

Yeah, we do this all the time. We're experts.

- We're specialists. - Yeah.

I'm the second best baby deliverer in the world.

He's the first. You're a very lucky woman, you know that?

Thank you. Gracias.

'You know, at least you have a car.'

My mother had me in a bus.

And look how beautiful I turned out, eh?

Ugh! No. No. Gracias.

Okay, j-just bear down one last time, okay?

Just bear down one last time.

Ponch, look.

I'm a father! I'm a father!

I'm a father.

Hey, no cigars. I'm sorry. Next time, I have, huh?

- It's a girl! - No, it's a boy.

Okay, it's a boy!

' - Delivering a baby.

Yeah, well, welcome to the club.

Ah.

Hey, partner, you were beautiful.

You got hands of a surgeon, did you know that?

Yeah, well, I had a little help from Mother Nature.

But, uh, hey, you didn't do too bad yourself.

Yeah, I guess I did pretty good, huh?

I did do a terrific job. Ha, ha!

- Thank you. - Hey, it's okay.

- Gracias, gracias. - Anytime.

- 'Thank you.' - Ha-ha ha.

- Congratulations. - 'Gracias.'

What a life.

I bring a baby into the world and become an orphan myself.

All in one day.

Okay, Ponch, I tell you what.

If your motor home isn't fixed

you can move into my apartment.

I thought you'd never ask.

- 'That's--' - For a little while.

Well, if it isn't Ponch the pediatrician.

Congratulations, guys.

You cheapskate.

It was a whole baby.

Hey, uh, my wife is four months along.

Are you guys gonna be available?

Dr. Jon would be okay. But sure got an ugly nurse.

What do you guys know? You're car cops. Ha!

Hey! We do know Getraer wants to see you guys on the double.

I wonder what Getraer wants with us.

Probably wants to offer congratulations.

Hi, sarge. Wanna see us?

Uh, yeah. Uh, you guys wanna take a seat?

I bet you wanna offer congratulations

on the delivery of a beautiful baby girl, huh?

Uh, Ponch, baby boy, remember, baby boy?

Hey, either way, it was a baby. Hey, and it wasn't easy, sarge.

I mean, the strain alone can wear down a normal man.

Yet, uh, me and my faithful partner here, uh

we delivered new life into this world

under the most adverse conditions, sarge.

Fine, Frank, fine.

Now, would you mind sitting down?

Look, uh..

I had a complaint today.

Seems that one of my, uh, motor officers

was a little more than charming to a certain female motorist.

'I believe the term's called "coming on strong."'

The, uh, young lady checked the squad pictures out in the hall

and, uh, picked you out, Jon.

Wait a minute, she picked me?

Yeah and it's more than just being

a little friendly with the ladies, uh.

She claims that you upset her

and she pulled out into traffic without looking.

- Eh, I wasn't even there. - I know you weren't, Jon.

But that couple you played doctor for?

Well, they identified her car as the one that cut 'em off

and you as the officer involved.

In fact, she said that you, uh, came to check him out once

and then left to get your partner.

Listen, I don't care what they said.

It's not true. I was--

Jon, I believe you, you know that.

Alright, then, why don't we go out--

Look, departmental procedure..

...departmental procedure says that I have got to

follow through with the report, don't you understand?

Yeah, yeah, I understand.

Look, you were the only one on the beat at that time.

And that girl says she spoke to a uniformed officer

and swears it was you.

Uh, sarge, uh

maybe it was one of those, uh, play cops.

Yeah, right, I mean, one of those whackos

that gets off thinking they're one of us.

Uh, that's what I've been thinking.

It's a possibility, and if so

uh, well, this guy's dangerous.

Well, look, anyway, for the record

look, y-you guys never ride alone

and they say this officer was alone.

Ah, uh, wait a minute, Ponch, as a matter--

Hey, hey, Jon, uh, we better get going.

Don't worry, Sarge'll take care of everything.

Right, sarge, right? See you later.

Hey, come on, old buddy. We gotta get going. He's busy.

We've taken enough of his time, come on.

Yeah, uh, you guys can, uh, go.

Hey, Ponch, uh...you really didn't have to cover for me.

Hey, I wasn't. I was covering for me.

It was my emergency, remember?

Yeah.

What I can't understand is how that girl

could say she could identify me.

I wasn't even there.

Hey, come on, Jon.

Between the glasses, the uniform and the helmet

the public can't tell us apart.

You know, uh, you've seen one, you've seen 'em all.

Pull it over!

Alright, I wanna see everybody's license

and registration, please.

Uh, may I see your, uh, driver's license

and registration, please?

Uh, look, officer

I'm really sorry about this.

But this really isn't my fault, you see.

Yeah, well, you were going over 80

you're weaving in and out of traffic.

I mean, if you keep that rate up

you're gonna be celebrating a funeral

instead of a wedding.

Yes, sir.

Will you knock it off?

Must be the champagne.

Wait a minute. You've been drinking?

Oh, no, no, sir, not me.

Uh, she has, uh, my girlfriend. I mean, my wife.

Just a few glasses, that's all.

Oh. Heh.

Thank you.

'Look, I'm sorry about this.'

We're just trying to get away on our honeymoon, you see

And, well, these are my friends back here, they, uh..

'...they followed me from the party here.'

'We're just trying to get away.'

'They think, you know, just fooling around.'

Today.

Hey, look, I'm sorry if I caused any problems. My friends too.

You know, they just think it's funny doing this.

Hey, it'd be funny at 55.

Yes, sir. I tell you, I-I'm really sorry about that.

See, I was trying to outrun 'em.

I'm in the Navy. I just got a couple days' leave.

Uh, ah, I'm trying to get away, that's all.

- 'Yes, sir.'

Okay, uh, I'll be with you in just a minute, alright?

The guy probably has a 24-hour leave too.

- Hey, Ponch, uh, listen.

Hey, uh, partner, you're gonna have to help me out with this.

It's gonna take an hour to write these up.

- At least, yeah.

That's just enough time.

What are you talking about?

Okay, I'll tell you what.

I'll give you an hour's head start

on your buddies back there

and, uh, just keep it at 55 and just

consider it a present from the California Highway Patrol.

- Terrific. - Thank you, officer.

You're really super.

- Yeah. - Thank you.

Thank you. I really appreciate this.

You bet. Have a nice honeymoon.

Thank you.

Hey, what happened?

It's okay. We deliver babies too.

- Uh, they escaped.

How's it going?

'Hey, you take this.'

Okay, Ponch.

And this one.

Oh, matched luggage. Eh, does it come in any other colors?

Hey, I forgot my weights.

Ponch, you're only gonna be here one night, remember?

One single night.

Hey, I can't let my body get flabby, can I?

How are you gonna play with this thing with no strings?

Oh, I was gonna restring it while I was here.

Yeah, okay. Here.

Hi, Jon.

Hey, how you doing, Sandy?

Fine, thanks. I'll talk to you later.

- Okay.

Uh, just a neighbor.

My hero. Perfect timing. The bundle on the right is yours.

Uh, thanks a lot, Alice.

'Hey.'

I'll get the door, partner.

Okay, Ponch.

Wow, how do you do it? Neat as a pin.

- Hey. Hi, Dana. - Hi, Jon.

Different lifestyles, Ponch. That's all.

I'm sorry, Jon. I didn't realize you had company.

Oh, hey, that's okay. I'm Ponch.

And, uh, I'm gonna be staying here with Jon for a while.

Will I be seeing a lotta you?

I, uh, think you've seen enough already.

- Hey, let me-- - Hey, uh.

Y-you don't have to go, can't, can't you stay?

Oh, that's okay. I'm losing my sun anyway.

I'll see you later. Thanks, Jon.

You bet.

- I'll talk to you later. - Okay.

- Bye-bye. - Bye.

- That is Dana.

Dana, huh?

Hey, come on, Jon, you know what I mean. What's her story?

She's just a stew and she's a neighbor and, uh

she doesn't get sun on her side of the building so she comes

over here and, uh, uses the terrace whenever she wants.

Yeah, And that laundry chick, who's that?

Oh, uh...now, see, that was Alice.

Uh, she's a legal secretary.

And I supply the quarter, she does the wash.

She's just a good friend, that's all.

Yeah, well, how many friends like that

you got around here, huh?

Uh.

Well, let's see, There's, um..

...there's Nancy, she's upstairs.

And she comes and does the cooking once in a while.

There's, uh, Charlene. There's Mary.

She does the shopping once in a while.

Charlene's the one that comes in

and does a little dusting.

Yeah, well, how come you didn't tell me

about these lovelies before, partner?

Hey, I didn't know it was important to you, okay?

You didn't know it was important?

Hey, Ponch, I mean, do you really have to

put all that stuff in there?

Hey, come on. I gotta keep this stuff fresh.

Oh, come on, that stuff has enough preservatives

in it to last forever.

Hey, Jon, you know I like the filling in my Ding Dongs

at a certain temperature?

Oh, yes, so they don't get gooey, right?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

'Uh, no more rock at this hour.'

Oh, Ponch.

Hey, the roommates look a little tired this morning.

You bet I'm tired. I mean, like, how can a man sleep?

Every time I'm about to doze off

another beautiful lady comes wandering into

the apartment to see if Jon needs anything.

I mean, like, he's been adopted by 30 foxy ladies

who tend to his every need.

Hey, come on, all they are is just--

And he calls them friends.

He's the friendliest guy in the whole building.

Oh, and, like, the door, it opens automatically

to the sound of female breathing.

Oh, yeah, okay, old buddy.

It's the kid's turn, okay, I mean you can't believe this guy.

Stays in my apartment, everybody knows him, right?

He snores all night long, makes these animal noises

and, uh, he starts walking around at 2:30 in the morning.

- Hey, I get hungry. - Oh, he gets hungry.

You know what, he sleeps with a teddy, a little teddy.

I've seen him hug it with my own eyes.

It's not a teddy, it's a pillow.

Oh, it's a pillow. I tell you.

That's the brownest, fuzziest, wooziest

little pillow I've ever seen.

- Yeah, but-- - You love it, Ponch.

Why, you love that little..?

Ah, alright, alright, maybe.

But if I had all the friends you had, I wouldn't need it.

Like, uh, Alice-friend

Mary

So that's where they all end up, huh, Jon?

What do you mean?

Oh, come on.

I saw you up on the Hollywood yesterday.

'Hitting up on that brunette in the sedan.'

- Yeah.

Hey, come on, Bar, that wasn't Jon.

So, what's the description of this guy you saw, uh, Baricza?

Well, uh, could've been Jon's twin brother.

Tall, blond hair, looked just like him.

- Yeah, hey, sarge.

I'd recognize that blond baton anywhere.

'It's a Baker trademark.'

Looks like our theory of a double's

right on target, fellas.

I meant to tell you something, sarge.

Uh, Ponch and I were separated yesterday.

I had a personal emergency.

- Between 10 and 10:30.

Time of the accident.

Sorry, sarge.

Look, we're all gonna be sorry if we don't find this character.

Because right now I have to send in a report to Sacramento

saying that you were alone at the time of the incident.

What kinda turkey rides around on a motorcycle

thinking he's a cop, anyway?

Well, the MO's usually the same.

They think the uniform and the power that goes with it

'is an answer to an uneventful life.'

Guys who wanted to be cops who couldn't make the grade

usually because of twisted minds rather than bodies.

Oh, they're usually not out to hurt anybody

just to play hero.

In this case, to impress the ladies.

Of course, the real danger is that in an emergency situation

on the freeway when people look to him

for help, he obviously can't deliver.

Most of the time, the, uh, public

can't tell the difference between us and them.

And of course, that's the real problem for us.

Now, this, uh, particular turkey is without conscience.

He caused a very serious accident and left the scene.

So we've gotta find him and fast.

We can't do it in here.

So let's, uh, get the brief

and get out of here, hmm?

Hey, I'll never leave you alone again, partner.

Thanks.

'Hey, that's Getraer.'

'Yeah, looks like he's hitting'

'the bricks for once.'

Oh!

Eeh! Ouch!

Alright, mister, you're under arrest.

Shove it, pig, just shove it.

Eeh...ouch!

'Give it up!'

Mm, uh.

You could've killed somebody, hot shot.

- Highway's not a drag strip. - Back off, pig.

- I'm in no mood for a sermon.

'Well, you're gonna get one anyway.'

- Come here. - Come on, he's talking to you.

Put your left hand on your head.

Big deal.

Look, you may not give 2 cents for your life

but there's a heck of a lotta of other people

out there who do care about theirs.

Oh, that's real funny.

Is that why you ran me off the road?

'Cause you're worried about life?

Look, that's a stolen car, and that's a felony.

You call the shots, kid.

Oh.

You'd like that, wouldn't you?

Hey. What's the matter with you?

Is it cops?

Or do you just hate the world in general?

What's it to you?

You're gonna arrest me?

Or we gonna stand around here

and play Reform School all day?

I think that's a little too late for that, old buddy, come on.

Hey, how you doing?

Pretty good. How you doing?

I mean, the motor home. You almost finished with it?

Soon as I'm done.

Let me start all over again.

The motor home, this one, it's mine.

When will you have it fixed?

- Yeah.

Ooh, we got a problem.

I couldn't get a replacement generator for it.

That thing's so old

they don't make 'em anymore.

I don't know what we're gonna do.

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

No.

Hey, what am I gonna do? I need it. I live in it.

In that? You gotta be kidding.

It don't look like anybody could live in there.

Hey, never mind the inside.

You're supposed to be working on the generator.

Well...I got a generator

that's almost like the one that burnt out.

But I'm gonna have to rewire that thing.

It'll take me another day.

Another day?

You live in there too?

Uh, no, I was just curious. Thanks.

- Hey, I'll do the best I can.

I miss my home sweet home.

Yeah, and I miss mine too.

Oh, hi, Jon. I was just using your hair dryer.

I blew the fuse in my apartment. Is it okay?

- Oh, sure. - Great. Thanks.

You bet.

-Hi. -Hi.

- Bye. - Bye.

How come you didn't ask her to stay?

'Cause she was finished drying her hair.

Well, you should've asked her to stay for some coffee.

I would've offered her a Ding Dong or something.

What's the matter?

I don't know, just this double-character thing's

starting to get me down.

Hey, easy, huh?

You know the whole squad is behind you.

Yeah. I know.

I mean, we're gonna get this dude.

Hey, that's a promise from old Ponch to his best buddy.

Yeah. Thanks, Ponch.

I just hope it happens soon.

Hey, it will be, partner. It will be.

Hello, officer.

May I see your driver's license

and registration, please?

What did I do?

You were doing 40 in a 35-mile zone.

That's ridiculous. I wasn't going over 30.

Are you gonna gimme your driver's license

or am I got to run you in?

Alright.

Hmm.

"Jobina Dennings, 166 Ivy Lane."

Ivy Lane, that's the swinging singles place

over by Eagle Street, isn't it?

Look, if you're gonna write me a ticket

then do it and get it over with.

Hey, look here, babe.

'What do you say you just drive on home'

'say and I'll tag along behind you?'

And then I'll stop up for a little nightcap. And, uh--

How dare you?

Look, I want you to know..

...Officer Block, I'm gonna report you.

Oh, no, you don't.

What are you doing? Give me back my keys.

Let me have those.

What are you doing?

I know what goes on in those swinging single places.

But a cop who risks his life every day in the line of duty

isn't good enough for you, is he, huh?

Let me go. You're scaring. Let me go. No!

Are you crazy? Let me go. What do you think you're doing?

Oh, what you--

'Not a bad movie, huh, partner?'

'Yeah, Ponch, thanks. It was a good idea.'

'Hey, looks like one of our guys is in trouble.'

Give me those keys back or...doing?

'Let...what.'

Hold it. We're CHPs.

She was resisting arrest.

He's a liar.

- Let me go. - Ma'am. I heard you.

- 'Let me go.' - Hey, hey.

I'm gonna report both of you!

- You're in it together. - Ma'am. Ma'am.

Let me go.

We don't wanna hurt you, alright?

- 'Ma'am, easy, easy.' '

'Don't...let me go .'

'Could you relax a minute, we don't want--'

'Alright, hold it.'

'Freeze it right there.'

Lady, step away from them.

Okay, now, what's going on?

Their friend stopped me and then made dirty insinuations

and attacked me and then these two

came along and and helped him.

Hey, listen, we're CHPs, okay?

Uh, we're gonna reach for our IDs.

Well, you do it very slowly.

We were assisting another officer and, um..

Where did he go?

'Hey, he split.'

He's a phony officer, I mean, haven't you heard about him?

- Yeah, the phony.

We had a Teletype in briefing on him. Yeah.

You mean.. He wasn't a real cop?

Well, listen, we're gonna have to--

Please, I-I-I just wanna go home.

I don't, I-I can't take any more of this.

Listen, ma'am, we don't blame you

after what that jerk put you through

and, uh, us coming along and making it worse.

Yeah, really, just relax and everything will be fine.

- Hey, could-- - You look like him.

What?

You look like him.

Yeah, I know.

I gotta write a report on this.

Hey, uh, my partner's, uh, really good with reports.

He'll give you a hand, right, partner?

Yeah, thanks, Ponch.

Listen, we're really sorry.

Really, now.

I think I'm too shaky to drive home.

We'll be glad to drive you home.

Hey.

I mean that as innocent as it sounds.

Please.

Thanks.

Alright. Come.

Why me?

What's the matter? Power go off?

Hey, you are off, alright?

I mean, you're not only a danger to yourself

you're a danger to my peace of mind.

Aw, 'cause of a little music?

Aw, come on, Jon, it's too quiet around here.

No sounds, no beat.

Listen, put a seashell up your ear

and listen to the beat of the seashore, okay?

I mean, I don't wanna share it with you.

Uh, I don't know, m-maybe, uh..

...maybe nothing's wrong with you, all this stuff..

I don't maybe I'm crazy. I don't know.

Just wonder how much a new motor home for you is gonna cost.

'Who is it?'

Uh, it's-it's Jon.

Oh, Jon, hi.

Hi. Alright, listen.

Uh, I'm sorry, can I borrow your couch for the night?

Sure, come on in.

What is with you, you turkey?

Just 'cause you drive a monster like this

doesn't give you right of way.

Well, maybe the signal broke

but I am big enough for you to see, stupid!

Oh, yeah, well, I got better things

to look for than dummies like you.

Oh-oh, yeah, if-if you wanna test your bumper

why don't you just drive into a brick wall, alright?

Well, at least, a brick wall's got more brains than you.

Oh! Brains, brains!

You do not know the meaning of the word "brains"!

Oh, yeah, don't you realize you are blocking

half a city street with this big train?

It was right there, if you'd watch where you were going!

- Goddamn little car!

You talk about brains, fellow.

Well, it's a big locomotive, how can you hit it?

- Oh, I can.

'I'm going to teach you a lesson.'

LA 15..

I am gonna teach you a lesson

because I can take it--

Hey, hey, hey! Calm down, alright?

...involving a locomotive and a sports car..

Listen, it doesn't look like anybody's injured.

No use getting injured by fighting, huh?

Alright.

Need an 11-84 for assistance.

Oh, do me a favor, will you? Put out an APB on his brain.

How about doing me a favor, okay

Get a load of the size of that thing.

Must be a heck of a thing to drive, huh?

Yeah, we gotta get this traffic cleared up. So can you move it?

- Nope.

I'm not moving until all the paperwork's filled out.

Hey, want it moved?

Move it yourself.

I'll make a deal with you.

Shh.

We'll both move the engine. Deal?

Well, maybe.

Hey, cutie. Hey, what's happening?

How many horsepower has she got?

- Uh, thirty-six hundred.

- Yep. - Wow!

Uh...you, uh, wanna try?

Oh, um, uh, no, I mean, uh!

I don't know how. I mean, I couldn't.

Well, it's your last chance.

Well, no, I mean, like, I'm in uniform and everything.

And I couldn't, uh..

Hey, Jon.

He's mine, babe.

Not till I'm finished with him.

He's even better-looking than you are.

Wait a minute.

Are you guys really cops?

Yeah.

We're really cops.

Except it comes from the inside

not from what you're wearing.

'

Okay, how you doing?

Now, wait a minute, wait a minute

let's not go through that number again.

I'm the cop who owns the problem you're working on.

Oh, this one? Yeah, it's okay, I guess.

Well, is that just a guess?

'Well, you see, I got the generator hooked up'

'but I can't get the dumb thing to work.'

Hey, wait a minute.

You said you'd have that thing fixed today.

Hey, I'm sorry, guys. I'm gonna need more time.

- Here, Ponch.

You can have my apartment, my stereo

my car, everything, alright?

- Yeah.

You can have Cerie, Roni, Sandy

Charlene, Alice, all of 'em.

- I'm gonna stay right here.