Original subtitles

'My dear friends'

'we are gathered together today'

'to pay our final respects to the beloved'

'Mrs. Mary Elizabeth Ryan.'

'She was a dedicated wife and a loving mother.'

'Her life was a guiding light for all of us to follow.'

'She will be missed, not only by her family'

'but by everyone who knew her.'

'However, we can take solace in the fact'

'that she is now hand-in-hand'

'with our father in heaven.'

'She is now in peace with the universe.'

]

'The way and the will of all things past and present.'

The Lord giveth and the lord taketh away.

Amen.

Add those two things to the report, Artie

and get it back to me as soon as possible, okay?

Okay, sarge.

Hey, Bar.

'Just a sec, sarge.'

Yeah, sarge?

Is that racquetball game on for tonight?

Sure thing. We're gonna kill 'em all .

- Yeah.

Okay, buddy.

These clowns must think I'm two inches tall.

Why?

It's addressed, "Occupant box, 47."

Well, hey, at least it isn't a bill.

Look, every one of these is a vulture after

my hard-earned bucks, partner.

You want me to tell you how to stop getting bills?

Yeah, how?

Stop buying stuff, okay.

Hey, do you think I want a national recession

on my conscience, huh?

Alright!

I'm rich.

I'm famous.

The first thing I'm gonna do is pay my bills

buy myself a T-bird and spend my vacation in Hawaii, huh?

- Hey, old buddy.

Nothing, sarge.

Everything is beautiful.

'You're beautiful, Jon's beautiful'

and I'm terrific.

Uh, I'm beautiful and you're terrific.

What happened to him? He run into a tree without his helmet?

Yeah, well, near as I can tell, he became rich and famous.

Yeah, and I just became the commissioner.

Okay, go ahead, put me down.

But I just made a fortune.

Frank, uh, the only way you're gonna make a fortune

is when Sacramento starts paying by the goof.

Yeah, wait a minute, Ponch, I mean

how can one letter make you a fortune?

By placing in my lucky hands

four tickets to "Name Your Price"

the highest-paying game show on television.

- Yeah.

Well, I don't wanna burst your bubble, Frank.

But my wife went down to that show three times

and they didn't even pick her to play the game.

So?

So how do you figure they're gonna

pick you to be a contestant?

Because I'm lucky.

'Yeah, that's what she thought.'

It didn't happen, Frank.

But your wife has no luck.

How do you figure that, Frank?

It's obvious, sarge.

She married you.

'No, that's not unlucky, Frank.'

Being unlucky is being Frank Poncherello

and sitting in this room

27 seconds after he's supposed to be out on patrol.

- Right, sarge. - Yeah.

Come on, Baker. Don't hang me up.

Let's get outta here. Come on.

See you later.

]

You said I was a natural for "Name Your Price."

- I never said that. - You practically said it.

What I said is, you buy more junk than anyone I know.

Right. So I know my merchandise and I know what it costs.

You mean, what you owe.

Same thing.

Look, I'm not going into this overconfident.

Hey, no one would ever accuse Francis Llewellyn Poncherello

of making that mistake.

Well, you got that right. I'm gonna do my homework.

I'm gonna learn the price of every product in America.

- 'Yup.'

With you coaching me, of course.

Pass.

'Hollywood freeway units'

'be on the lookout for a 10-8-51'

'Silver Shadow Rolls-Royce'

'silver and black in color.'

'Last seen heading east on Santa Monica Boulevard'

'toward the Hollywood freeway.'

LA 15, 7 Adam in pursuit, possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce

'traveling northbound, Hollywood at sunset.'

'Attention, Hollywood freeway units.'

'7 Adam in pursuit'

'possible 10-8-51 Rolls-Royce'

'northbound Hollywood at sunset.'

LA 15, 7 Mary 3 and 4 will respond

northbound at Western.

'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

]

- Oh, sure, I'm alright.

Oh, look at my chickens!

Dagnabbit!

How could a Rolls-Royce just disappear?

I don't know. Maybe it's a new accessory.

You know, push the button and poof.

LA 15, 7 Mary 4, 10-8-51

'the Rolls-Royce has disappeared'

'in the vicinity of Lankershim and the Hollywood freeway.'

Getraer said to lose some of those cages

and get this traffic going.

Let's go. Bring it on up.

Here we go.

- Hey, Grosso. - Thank you.

- Oh, just fine.

- Yeah, thanks. - Watch that.

Oh, I can't believe what happened.

Driving along. This woman tears by me, cuts in front of me.

'Look what happened to my whole stock.'

'How am I gonna go to the market?'

'Did you happen to get the lady's license number?'

Get her license? I couldn't even see her pass.

'That's how fast she went.'

Uh, can I have your name, ma'am?

I don't have a name right now. Millie.

I couldn't tell you my last name if ya killed me, boy.

Oh, officer.

Officer.

Did you catch that rich witch in the Rolls?

Uh, no, sir, I mean, ma'am. We didn't. I'm sorry.

Terrific.

You can't catch the speeders

'and they can't catch the chickens.'

Dumb cluck.

Hey, Artie, you're using the wrong psychology there.

Yeah, listen to the man. What are you, a chicken shrink?

Oh, very funny. Let me show you how.

What's wrong, don't you guys know how to catch the chickens?

Okay, Farmer Jon. You're the expert, you show us.

There you go, uh, city boys. Heh.

There's another one right here.

Two.

Hey, that's very good, partner but, you know

we can't be standing here all day

'picking 'em up one by one.'

So I got an idea.

Food.

Yeah, that's good.

Uh, excuse me, ma'am.

Do you have any birdseed?

- Yeah.

These aren't canaries, you know, they're chickens.

Can't you tell by the way they sing?

Uh, I think he meant, uh, chicken feed, ma'am.

Well, why didn't he say so?

What are you gonna do?

Well, I figured I'd lay down a trail of seed feed..

Whatever, ma'am.

And, the chickens will follow it

to the back of the truck.

They might just follow you to the booby hatch.

I don't think it's gonna work, guys.

Well, it's worth a try.

It's over here.

Oh, come on, chick, chick.

Yeah. Come on, chick, chick, chick.

Come on! Watch where you're walking.

Come on, chick, chick.

Yeah, come on, chick, chick, chick.

'Come on, chick, chick, chick.'

Ha-ha, ha-ha.

Come on, chick, chick, chick, chick, chick.

You see, I told you it would work.

Colonel Sanders, where are you when I need you?

'I told you it wouldn't work, right?'

I thought you were in training.

Hey, it's good to shock the system once in a while.

Uh, listen, uh... who are you taking

to watch me win at "Name Your Price?"

I don't know, I thought I'd take Shirley.

Shirley? Hey, come on, Jon.

You know, they want classy people on their show.

Oh, yeah, well, then why'd they send you tickets?

Listen, why don't you take Joyce?

Now, Joyce is a better blender.

- Yeah.

She'd blend in so well with the audience

that I'd stand out.

Yeah, well, who are you taking?

Ah. I thought I'd give Diane the opportunity.

Oh, come on.

I mean, you're taking Diane

Miss knock-your-eyes-out

and I'm gonna take the "Blender?"

Huh?

Hey, Jon, that's my game plan.

You see, the Emcee'll see me sitting out there with Diane.

He'll have to figure out I'm witty, charming and fantastic.

Fantastic, that's not bad.

But, uh, how 'bout unbelievable?

'All units, stand by for a 10-8-51 report.'

'Be on the lookout for two additional 10-8-51 vehicles.'

'1974 tan Rolls-Royce, 654 Ida-Mary-Sam.'

'1933 white Rolls-Royce, Ocean-Paul-Charles.'

'Request all units hold for prints if stopped.'

You know, we're working with some real pros, partner.

Yeah, that's why they got away this morning.

- Only ten more minutes.

Till you can start coaching me for the show.

Wait a minute, I thought off-duty meant we're off.

Hey, Ponch.

'Yeah, Rolls with no plates.'

Please, step out of the car.

'Will you step to the front of the car, sir?'

May I see your driver's license and registration, please?

The driver's license is no problem, but I..

'I...don't have the registration.'

'I-I just bought the car.'

'Yeah, well, let me see the driver's license then.'

Hey, I know who you are.

I recognize you.

You're Bob and Carey.

The neighbors of "Yours And Mine."

The people from the troubled world. Hey, Jon.

Uh, this is an honor, but, uh--

'Oh, you watch our show.'

Marvelous. Well, it's no wonder.

It's the number one soap opera in the country.

Fifty million fans adore me.

Uh, us.

Daily.

This is really something.

Wait till I tell everybody

down at central that I..

...met Bob and Carey personally.

Isn't that flattering, darling?

He didn't look so flattered when he pulled us over.

What's the trouble, officer? I wasn't speeding, was I?

No, you weren't speeding.

But, uh, may I speak

to you a minute, back here?

- Yeah, sure. - I watch police shows.

They're just separating us, darling.

I, uh, imagine every time you stop a superstar

you have a million questions.

Do you have a pink slip?

I've got this temporary

something-or-other here.

Mm-hm. Well, this paper isn't any good.

Did you buy this from a dealer or a private party?

Well, it was a private party.

Look, I got this really terrific deal on this car.

We're gonna have to check your VIN number.

- Right.

Well, what's the trouble, officer?

Well, we've had a series of Rolls-Royce rip-offs.

So I just wanna check your car out.

The show should run at least ten years.

Hey, Ponch, can I talk to you a minute?

Can we take a commercial break?

Of course, darling.

Uh, excuse us, folks.

This is really terrific.

To meet Bob and Carey on my freeway.

Hey, Ponch, don't you understand?

I mean, they don't have a pink slip, no registration.

This could be one of the stolens.

Hey, wait a minute. You gotta be kidding.

Not Bob and Carey.

Well, at least not Carey.

Bob maybe.

Hey, his name is not Bob.

"Marlon Steel?"

Yeah, stage name.

Oh.

AKA Delbert Henderson? Ha, ha.

Yeah, power of the tube.

I mean, the future star of "Name Your Price"

should realize that.

LA 15, 7 Mary 3, Roll an auto theft unit

southbound Golden State.

Uh, here's your driver's license, Bob.

I mean, Marlon Delbert.

You can call me Bob.

Thanks, you can call me Ponch.

I'm so thrilled you watch my show.

Oh, Carey, will you, please?

Uh, sorry, folks. It will be a few more minutes.

You mean, we could be driving a stolen car?

Oh, Marlon.

'Two-eighty-nine, ninety-five'

'and that's with presoak, miniwash'

'and hot-hot, hot-warm warm-warm, warm-cold'

and cold-cold.

That's the big tub, right?

Yeah, the, uh, stainless steel one.

Okay, now try another one. How about this thing here?

Okay. Don't look. Ice King.

Features?

Twenty-two cubic feet, juicer, meat..

Hmm, meat compartment. Heh. Adjustable shelves.

Uh, 899 dollars and 95 cents.

I don't believe it. You got it right.

Come here, I'll give you the real test.

Alright. Uh, I think this thing is the, uh, Astro oven.

Okay, give me features.

Timer, browner, warmer

and would you believe, defroster?

Uh...$287.97.

Francis Llewellyn Poncherello

you're the human computer.

I mean, you haven't missed a price by a penny.

Thanks, coach.

I'll tell you what, you have just won fame, fortune..

...and delicious Diane.

- And the kid won a break. - Yeah.

Oh, wait a minute. Hold on now.

We just got started here.

Ponch, listen, you know these prices better than

Sears Ward, Mont-Montgomery..

- All those stores. - Hey, listen to me.

Does Muhammad Ali stop after half his roadwork?

Does "Broadway Joe" Namath never touch a football?

Hey, you just don't win with less than a 100 percent effort.

You're my coach. You're supposed to be saying that to me.

Come on, Ponch. It's past the kid's bedtime, okay?

Beds? Hey, that's terrific. I'm a little rusty in beds.

Come on, let's find a furniture store.

Wait a minute. You can overtrain, alright?

Hey, not for "Name Your Price," old buddy. Come on.

These days, prices are changing with every minute.

Yeah, in one direction, up.

I wonder where the driver went.

Hey, Ponch.

Hey, I didn't mean it. I didn't mean to cause the accident.

The car I ran off the road back there.

- It was an accident. Sorry.

Uh, back there, near Silver Lake, I think.

- I'll take it, Jon. - Hey, look, I'm really sorry..

Alright, turn around, please. Put your hands on your head.

Five days, I missed this class.

'The instructor's gonna have it for me.'

'Help me! Help me, Oh, God!'

Hang on, sir. Help will be here in a minute, okay?

Do you speak English?

Do you understand me?

Hey, Bar's on his way.

He's taking the suspect down to Parker.

How's he doing?

He doesn't speak English

and he's got a bad cut.

Hey, wait a minute.

He's got a med alert bracelet down there.

Oh, no. He's a diabetic.

'Number 65-48-369.'

65-48-369.

- I'll call it in. - 'Okay.'

LA 15, 7 Mary 3

I'm 10-97, eastbound, Pomona at Silver Lake.

Roll an ambulance and notify medic alert to 7 Mary 4's.

Victim is wearing medic alert number 65-48-369.

No! No!

Listen, friend, you gotta keep still, okay?

'Hey, Baker! Get the candy bar out of my saddlebag!'

Just keep still, man.

Okay

Here goes your little, uh, shot of blood sugar.

Right on, partner.

Here. Mm, num-num-num. Mm.

Eat. Good, huh? Good. Eat.

Eat, eat. That's good.

Tasty stuff. Feel better, huh?

Oh, you and your junk food.

That's me.

Okay, I'll wait topside for the paramedics.

Okay.

You feel better, huh? Huh?

Tennis, huh? You play tennis?

Yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Hey, you do understand. You do speak English, huh?

Hey, we have to play some time, huh?

You play with Ponch?

Yeah, I know. Uh, uh..

But they always laugh at me

when I go out to play, you know.

But-but listen, you have to watch out

for my reverse spin on my backhand.

Pow!

You're gonna be fine. You're gonna be okay.

LA, 7 Mary 3, roll, uh

1-9 horn tow to my 10-20.

We got your message on the medic alert. Good work.

Okay, by the way, the victim down there can't speak English.

Okay, thank you.

'15-5 David, 10-19 and see the court officer.'

Ooh, that's a pretty one.

Yes, that's our new Corniche sports model

with genuine leather matching interior.

Isn't that luxurious?

They say the engine runs rather smoothly.

Yes, very smoothly and very quietly.

Uh, would you like a demonstration?

- Yes. - Just a moment.

Here we are. The key goes right there.

Oh, there.

Very quiet.

Yes, one's scarcely aware it's running.

That's nice.

Ma'am, test rides are by appointment only!

Ma'am, just a moment.

Where are you going? I..

Oh, my goodness.

Hey, Ponch!

You made the morning paper.

Yeah, so, I helped the guy out.

I don't think that's such a big deal.

I don't think the papers thought so either.

Wait a minute. "Chippie chickens on a freeway. Fowl-up."

Now, hey, that's public relations.

Oh.

Well, that's not a bad picture of me, but, uh

where was the photographer when I was out saving lives, huh?

He's probably in the darkroom making us look silly.

Yeah, well, listen. I can't let Getraer see this, okay?

We gotta throw this away.

Wait a minute. That's Artie's, okay?

Well, that's okay, Jon. I got another copy.

Huh?

It's on the bulletin board.

Good morning, officers, uh..

and chicken wranglers.

I did it for you, sarge.

Give you something to crow about.

Thanks, Frank. I appreciate it.

I want all of you to know something else about, uh

our fine, feathered friend officer Poncherello.

'We had a hit-and-run out on the Pomona Freeway yesterday.'

And the victim would have died if it hadn't been for Frank.

Uh, sarge, uh, Jon helped too.

'Thanks, guys. That was good work.'

'Now, listen up, everybody.'

First thing I wanna get into is

about this Rolls-Royce theft ring

that's been operating in the city now.

'Auto theft division figures they've grabbed over'

'a half a million dollars worth of cars in the past 10 days.'

'According to local dealers'

'the regional managers keep accurate records'

'of all Rolls-Royces in their areas.'

'Since a hot Rolls is a hard car to pass around.'

'We figure they're probably'

'being shipped out of the country.'

'Anyway, we've been asked by auto theft'

'for all possible assistance on this.'

So, I expect you guys to keep an eye out.

'Incidentally, Baker, Poncherello'

'that Rolls you were chasing yesterday'

turned up at the deluxe car wash

on Oxnard and Lankershim.

The car wash?

'Yeah, apparently, the, uh'

'woman got scared and ran off.'

Anyway, uh, I can recommend the place to you, fellas.

Uh, they washed off all the fingerprints.

'Well, that's it. Thanks, men. Let's hit it.'

Hey, Frank!

Frank!

Hold up.

That man's life you saved.

He left this for you.

Go on.

His coach said it cost about 60 bucks.

Oh, 59.95 manufacturer's suggested retail price.

'Without strings, of course.'

With strings 74.95.

Congratulations, uh, "Name Your Price," here we come.

Good luck, Frank.

What time do you have to be at the studio?

I told the ladies we'd pick them up by 7.

Oh, no.

The bitter with the sweet, partner.

Please, Elmo. Please, get up.

Please, Elmo. Elmo, please, get up and walk.

Hey, son. Why don't you come over here with us, okay?

No, I better stay with Elmo.

Hey, listen, uh, we'll take care of Elmo for you, okay?

- No, I-- - Hey, uh..

- Jimmy Aston.

Please, Elmo. Please get up.

How long has he been here, Jimmy?

Ten minutes, I think.

Well, maybe you better help me get Elmo off the street.

Alright, Jimmy, if you just back up

my partner and I will move Elmo for you, okay?

Okay, but you better watch out.

Elmo doesn't like being picked up.

What?

Elmo doesn't like being picked up.

Oh, well, he won't mind if, uh, we help him out. Heh.

Oh, yes, he will.

When Elmo sleeps he doesn't like being bothered.

Sleeps?

Yeah, and Elmo sleeps wherever he wants.

Okay, Elmo. Rise and shine.

Now!

Come on, Elmo. Here, boy.

- 'Hey.' - 'Come on, Elmo.'

- 'Come on, boy. Come on.' - 'Come on, use your commands.'

- 'Use your tricks. Hurry up.' - 'Hey, use your tricks.'

What are we gonna do? We're in the middle of the street.

Alright, well, we have no choice, partner.

Let's go.

You better watch out, officer.

Hey, uh, it's okay, son.

Ah, it's okay. Mm-hm.

Ah!

- Whoa! Easy, easy, easy. - Wait a minute.

Easy, you just have a nice little snoozer, Elmo.

Uh, just like Jimmy says "Wherever he wants," right?

Okay, listen, uh

I got one last idea.

It worked for us yesterday, okay?

Just hang on.

Heh, yeah.

- Hey, Elmo. - Ah, easy.

Easy.

He likes you. He likes you.

No, he doesn't.

He wants my junk food, huh?

Come here.

Come over here. That's it.

Come here, my baby. Come here. Come here.

Ooh. Hey!

This is a big dog you got here.

Thanks, officer.

It's our pleasure, Jimmy.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hey, Ponch.

Good luck tonight.

Hope you get on the show and make lots of money.

Are you kidding? If Ponch wins

he'll be impossible to live with.

Hey, he's already impossible.

Why not impossible and rich?

My game plan, exactly.

Like I said, Frank, don't get your hopes up.

There are gonna be a lot of other people there at that show.

Yeah, but I got the luck of the Irish.

Irish?

He doesn't look Irish.

Hey, don't you guys know about

that little leprechaun I got in my back pocket?

He gives me luck

and I give him Spanish lessons.

'Attention all units, 10-8-51 just occurred.'

'A black Rolls-Royce taken from the Pacifica Hotel.'

'Vehicle last seen southbound on the Harbor Freeway'

'approaching the Santa Monica.'

Uh, they're coming our way, sarge.

Okay, you guys. You're on overtime.

Let's nail 'em.

They're right here.

7 Mary 3 and 4

'suspect vehicle has just pulled in behind you'

'from Southbound Harbor at Santa Monica'

'is now traveling southbound in the number three lane.'

'Approximately 100 yards to your rear.'

Jon, let's take the off-ramp, and pull in behind the Rolls.

Right, Ponch.

'LA 15, 7 Mary 3'

'following suspect, 10-8-51 Rolls'

'west from Harbor Freeway on Wilmington towards Berth 58.'

'10-4, 7 Mary 3. LASO will be advised.'

You brought two chippies with you, baby.

Hey.

Hey, they can't burn us twice, can they?

Yeah, especially with wheels like that

those babies are built for, uh, luxury, not speed.

Hey, Ponch.

Hey, Baker, you suppose all those are for sale?

'I think we'll find a bargain in the bunch.'

15, 7 Mary 3 and 4

uh, code 6 at Montanus Rolls at, uh, Palisades and Grand.

'10-4, 7 Mary 3.'

Okay, in there. Out of the car, hands first.

Both of you, out of the car with your hands in the air.

- Ponch, over there! - Alright, get out of the car!

Come on, fast, move it!

Okay, move it.

Put your hands on your head

and move to the rear of the car.

Now, let's go.

Got another unit on its way.

Sorry, it's not as classy as the thing you've been driving.

Yeah, but you do get a chauffeur.

And now, our last contestant on "Name Your Price."

Will Frank Ponce-Poncer--

Ponchere-Poncherello!

Whatever it is, Frank

come on up and "Name Your Price."

Welcome to "Name Your Price," Frank.

Just relax now and tell us about yourself.

Uh...I'm single

and I'm a California highway patrol motor officer.

I could tell by the way you came down that isle at 55.

This next item should be right up your alley, Frank.

'Or should I say, freeway?'

Okay, folks. Take a look at this.

A brand-new Z1R motorcycle.

'He rides one every day, but who would've thought of pricing it?'

This beauty is a 1015 cc with a double overhead cam

'smoked bikini fairing, drilled brakes, and alloy wheels.'

'One of the finest and fastest street machines anywhere.'

Okay, ladies

and Frank

"Name Your Price!"

'Hildine, you're first.'

Uh..

...thirty-nine..

...ninety-five.

Thank you. Ruth, you're next.

Four thousand, uh, 250.

Finally got it out. Good. Thank you. Sylvia, you're next.

Thirty-six ninety-five.

Thank you, Sylvia. Frank, you're last.

'Officer Poncherello, you have exactly five seconds.'

'Four, three, two, one.'

I'll go with $3697.

'Okay, thank you.'

'All prices in and locked.'

May I have the envelope, please, Darlene?

Thank you. Isn't she lovely?

The actual manufacturer's suggested retail price

is..

...3695 dollars!

'Sylvia Miller, it's yours!'

Oh, I don't believe it!