Original subtitles

♪ MTV ♪

[both chuckling]

[rock music]

♪ ♪

I love how spacious the kitchen is

now that you've raised the original tin ceiling, Chip.

Oh, and these sliding barn doors

add just the right homey touch, Joanna.

You know who's got an even better homey touch, Chip?

My new boyfriend, Butt-Head.

[gasps]

Hey, baby. [chuckling]

Get lost, you damn hippie.

Butt-Head, I trusted you!

[sobbing]

I love you so much, Butt-Head.

[snoring]

That's right, baby. [chuckling]

[guffawing] Yeah, fire.

Aah!

Damn it, get off of me! - Ahh! Ahh!

Get off of me, butthole!

[growls]

[sighs]

- Aah! - Damn it, Beavis.

You ate all my nachos.

No way! You ate all my nachos!

You didn't even have nachos.

Oh, yeah. [guffawing]

Well, I guess it was me. Yeah.

Whoa. Check it out, Butt-Head.

Look at that.

See? It was someone else.

Uh-huh.

That's, like, a clue or something.

I guess I don't have to kick your ass just yet, Beavis.

[chuckling]

Uh...

Hmm, I don't see anyone.

[munching]

Whoa! [guffaws]

What's that thing, Butt-Head?

I think it's, like, a bear or something.

Are you sure?

Whatever it is, I'm gonna kick its ass.

[both laughing]

[doorbell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

Ay, qué linda.

Besito.

They missed. [chuckling]

Yeah, by a mile. [guffawing]

They suck at kissing.

They're never gonna score. [TV chatter]

Well, I mean, I'd score with them, you know?

I would not miss.

[both laughing]

♪ Oh, my love, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Is this, like, Thanksgiving or something?

Uh, yeah, I think so.

When is Thanksgiving?

[guffawing]

I think it's, like,

the third November of the year or something.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Remember that time your mom tried to have Thanksgiving?

'cause, like, she had that boyfriend for, like, a week?

[both laughing]

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, that's right. Yeah.

Lots of dudes are thankful for your mom, Beavis.

[both laughing]

Oh yeah, yeah. Yeah.

♪ Don't go yet ♪

♪ ♪

I mean a lot of dudes, Beavis.

[chuckling]

Butt-Head, come on.

I mean, like, hundreds of dudes.

[chuckling]

Shut up, Butt-Head! [growling]

They all go around the table

and ask what they're thankful for,

and they all say Beavis' mom.

[chuckling]

Come on, Butt-Head. That's enough.

Come on.

You know, I do like this video, though.

[guffawing]

It is pretty cool,

but don't change the subject, Beavis.

On the first Thanksgiving,

the Indians taught the pilgrims how to eat maize,

and the pilgrims taught the Indians how to do your mom.

[both laughing] - Yeah.

They're like, "See, it's easy."

Come on, Butt-Head. [snickers]

On the first Thanksgiving,

the pilgrims and Squanto pulled a train on your mom.

[both laughing]

Come on, Butt-Head.

And then there was peace throughout the land,

'cause everyone got a piece of your mom.

[chuckling]

Okay, come on, Butt-Head. Enough!

[snickers]

Anyway, in all seriousness, Beavis,

I know I make fun of your mom a lot,

but that's because she's a slut.

Shut up, Butt-Head! She is not.

She just has sex with lots and lots of guys.

That's all. [snickers]

Oh, I stand corrected. [chuckling]

Besides, Butt-Head, I heard somewhere

that "slut" is, like, a good word now, you know?

Like, "Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm a slut! Yeah."

[guffawing]

Uh...oh.

Well, then, like I was saying,

your mom is the biggest slut of all time.

Yeah, thank you. [guffawing]

I'll tell her you said that. [guffawing]

No one takes my nachos and gets away with it.

Yep, time to kick some ass.

You can run, but you can't hide, dumbass.

[both grunting]

This tree feels kind of funny on my schlong.

They call it wood for a reason, Beavis.

[chuckles]

[raccoon chittering] There's no escape now.

Prepare to have your ass shoved up your--

uh...

oh, I see.

[chuckles]

Butt-Head. [chittering]

The bears are going into our house.

Damn it. We gotta climb down there now.

Yeah, maybe later.

Remember that thing I said on the way up

about the tree feeling funny on my schlong?

Might want to just, like,

stay here a little while, you know what I'm saying?

Beavis, you pervert. Get out of the way now.

Perve out with the tree on your own time.

We gotta fight those bears.

Aah! Come on, Butt-Head! Come on.

Aah! Just five more minutes. Come on.

- Damn you, Beavis. - Aah! I'm almost--whoa!

[grunting]

[thuds] Ugh.

[grunts]

Damn it, Butt-Head. You ruined it.

Anderson's gotta have something in here

to kill that dumb bear son of a bitch.

Uh, hmm...

Something to kill a bear.

- Uh... - No.

Uh...

Ooh, there we go.

Bingo. [guffawing]

Let's kill them with this.

I'll pretend I'm gonna measure how tall he is.

And then you sneak up behind him.

And I'm like, "That's two feet tall, sir,"

and meanwhile, you've got another one of these

that's metric, see--aah!

Shut up, Beavis. Look.

Look what happened to that mouse.

And he's got a big can of glue.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Oh, yeah, yeah, we'll just sniff some glue

and forget about the bears.

You're a dumbass, Beavis. [chuckling]

Oh, yeah, yeah. [guffawing]

Glue is cool. [chuckling]

Butt-Head, you've got that trap stuck to--

Beavis, don't tell me how to do my job.

Yeah, but Butt-Head, you've got a thing on your--

Beavis, if I wanted your opinion,

I'd tell it to you.

And now, the bait.

[chuckling] Get this here.

[grunts]

This is gonna be cool. [chuckling]

[pop music on TV]

I'm kind of hungry. [guffawing]

Well, then go get us some food, dumbass.

Okay. [guffawing]

[humming]

Whoa, cool. Nachos. [guffawing]

Just gonna scoop some up here.

[grunting] Damn it.

[grunting]

Aah! Aw, damn it.

Help! Ow!

I'm stuck, Butt-Head! Help!

Quit messing around, Beavis. I'm hungry.

Damn it, Beavis, you're screwing up my trap.

[both grunting]

Aah! Damn it, Beavis.

[both grunting]

Damn it. Get off!

[glass shatters]

[chuckles] Get off.

[glass shatters]

[both grunting]

Walk this way, Beavis.

You're screwing it all up.

Ow! - Damn it.

I can't--no, no. both: Aah!

- Ow! - Damn it.

Butt-Head, I just need to take a whiz here.

- Not now, dumbass! - Ow!

We need, like, a hose or something.

Ow!

This glue sucks.

So, let's take a look at the cow eye here.

And there are gonna be obviously some similarities

between human and cow eyes here.

Whoa!

They just took that eyeball out of a cow?

[guffawing]

Uh, yeah. [chuckles]

This is gonna be cool. [guffawing]

Boi-oi-oi-oi-oi-oing. [giggling]

I think the cow, like,

donated its eyeballs to science.

- Oh, yeah, yeah. - You can do that.

Like, on your driver's license,

you can be an organ donor.

[chuckling]

You know, if someone, like, donates their schlong

to science, I could, like, become a scientist

and then, like, get two schlongs.

And then, I could, like, be scoring with a chick

and spanking my monkey at the same time.

Yeah! Yeah! [guffawing]

Uh. Beavis, why would you be spanking your monkey

if you're already scoring with a chick?

'Cause if I'm scoring with a chick,

I think my other schlong would have a boner too,

you know what I'm saying?

[guffawing]

Why not just score with two chicks?

Ooh, yeah. I hadn't thought about that.

Yeah. Yeah, that would be good.

I mean, I'd need a third schlong, you know,

but then I could be scoring with two chicks

and spanking my monkey.

Yeah, that's a good idea. Yeah.

[guffawing]

Beavis, why do you always need an extra schlong

to be spanking your monkey with?

To spank my monkey! Yeah.

So if you had two schlongs

and you were scoring with two chicks at the same time,

that wouldn't be good enough?

You still think you'd need an extra schlong?

Well, I mean, you gotta have at least one

to spank your monkey with,

and that's exactly what I have.

[guffawing]

Uh, you're a weirdo, Beavis. [chuckling]

Yeah, but anyway, you know,

if somebody starts donating schlongs,

somebody better be donating some more hands to science too,

you know what I mean?

'Cause then I could have, like, four schlongs

and, like, eight hands.

Yeah, that would be cool. [guffawing]

I'd be Dr. Spankenstein, the Spanktopus.

Uh, don't you mean four schlongs and four hands?

No, no.

I think we must, like, spank our monkeys differently,

Butt-Head. [guffawing]

Different paths up the same mountain.

[both laughing]

Different strokes for different strokes.

[both laughing]

[both grunting]

We need to get the hose and spray this crap off.

[both grunting]

Slow down, Butt-Head.

Damn it, Beavis, just don't do anything.

[both grunting] I think I got it.

Get the hose, Butt-Head. Come on.

Damn it, Beavis. Hold still--

both: Aah!

[chittering]

Whoa, it's bears!

No! No, this is wrong!

No! No! - Aah!

[both grunting] - Aah!

Damn it. Get off of me.

[both grunting]

Butt-Head, I'm stuck to a bear!

Aah! Aah! - Damn glue.

[tires squeal] [car horn honks]

This is all your fault, Beavis.

Boy, it's still nice

for a fella to take a moment

and enjoy a dang sunset in this crazy world.

[distant chittering]

[both grunting]

What the hell?

[chittering and grunting]

Stand your ground!

I got bear spray, damn it!

- Aah! Aah! Ugh! - Aah! Aah! Ow!

No! No! - Ow! Ow!

Ow, my eyes!

Blech! Damn it, ow! - Ugh. Ugh.

Well, Beavis, it just goes to show you, you can't do--

Take that! both: Aah!

There's more where that came from, you son of a bitch!

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