Original subtitles

[TV static drones]

[bright tone]

Let the church say amen.

all: Amen.

Whose house is this?

- all: God's house. - This is God's house...

normally. [chuckles]

But today... it's mine. [bell dings]

[choir vocalizing 2 Unlimited's "Get Ready For This"]

Hey, if you like church and you like basketball,

you're in the right place.

We're here at the longest-running

baby baptism dunk contest,

brought to you by Dunkin'.

Baptism runs on Dunkin'.

I'm Kimber Zak.

And I'm the saved and sanctified Skip Appeal.

We're live at the Redman Methodist Man Church Arena

for an event of biblical proportions.

When God said he was coming by fire,

he wasn't lying, because this crowd is hot.

That's not God.

That's just the funk from these sweaty deacons.

All right, let's meet our first dunker.

He's got church home court advantage,

star of the Los Angeles Prayers.

It's Deacon Hezekiah Baller!

[crowd cheering]

Baller's known to score a triple-double

after the Sunday that he baptized a set of triplets

- and twins. - Wow.

Now, we can all touch and agree that with those stats,

even you might give your life to Christ, Kimber.

I'd never give my life to a man, Skip.

I'm a lesbian.

- I'm not sure what that means. - And we're off!

Oh, look at that.

This is why Deacon Hezekiah Baller

is really MVP material.

I mean, you see the shuffle. You see the moves.

Oh!

Most Valuable Pastor!

Michael Jordan!

Question mark. More like River Jordan.

I mean, if he had dunked that baby any harder, Kimber,

you would have been baptized too.

[laughs] Not a chance.

My tracksuit is holy waterproof,

and so is my soul.

I did not come to pray with y'all.

Wow, okay, that guy is serious.

Hey, time for those scores.

Nothing but net and nothing but God.

Won't he dunk it?

Hallelujah!

Holla back.

An 8?

Rockabye, baby.

I rebuke you, choir. [choir gasps]

Oh, that's a real blow for Baller.

Yeah, he's gonna need to call Tupac for a Hail Mary.

You know, Skip, I was in this exact same position

five years ago when I was robbed of a perfect score

on my windmill dunk featuring my patented...

- Tambourine shimmy. - Tambourine shimmy.

- That's right. - We've heard this story, yeah.

Well, Baller isn't out just yet.

He can come back, and so can you, Kimber,

because, just like a Jezebel's legs,

the church is always open.

Nope, the only thing that's open

is my DMs for our next player.

From the Fam of God Ministries,

it's the Sacramento King of Kings' star prophet,

Pastor Trudyo Werd.

This one here, this one, her crosses break ankles

like the disciples broke bread.

Oh, I don't know the reference.

Wow, okay, is there magic in that mullet?

'Cause she's putting a spell on us.

Business in the front and basketball in the back.

both: Oh!

- Wow. - Oh, holy guacamole!

That saint just went hard in the paint.

You know what? Let's run that back like the Reject.

Wow, look at this. Now, look at this. Look.

Oh, this woman cannot be touched,

which is bad news for me.

Whoa! Hook in the basket. Look at that.

That dunk had more hook than a Murphy Lee song.

Let's check out our scores.

That dunk was lukewarm.

- all: Oh! - The dribble is a liar.

[crowd jeering]

- Boom shakalaka! - Look at her go.

Alyoshambalakalakalaka!

Yes, Lord! Ooh!

Hey, the Holy Ghost isn't gonna help you

with that low score, Trudyo.

This is classic Trudyo.

She caught her first Holy Ghost at the age of 16

at the Baltimore Praise and Worship Festival

- and hasn't lost since. - Shakayolaya!

Well, she lost me, 'cause that's not English.

And she may lose this competition

if she can't dunk better than that.

All right, last up,

Bishop Dr. Julius Earning,

free agent for the Toronto Raptures.

This guy makes me nervous, Kimber.

Yeah. [bell dings]

Oh, uh-oh.

I don't trust a man that spins a baby.

I have a sneaking suspicion that baby's not real.

Here, I'ma let you hold that baby real quick

and I'ma start collecting. Come on, now.

Looks like Dr. Julius Earning won't be playing,

but we will be paying.

That's right, folks, it's offering halftime.

It's kind of light.

Now, how much do you tithe a month, Skip?

100%.

All right, the All Saints Deacon Dunk-A-Thon

will be right back.

Oh, we don't have commercials.

- And we're back. - We're still here.

Now, Trudyo is prepping for her final dunk.

Like Skip praying for me to come back to church,

it's gonna take a miracle for her to win.

Well, if Trudyo beats Hezekiah's last dunk,

she'll be resurrected.

It's her last chance and yours too, Kimber.

Do you accept Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?

[laughs]

Somebody turn to your neighbor and say, "No, thank you."

Fun fact: Trudyo did some missionary work

with the Harlem Globetrotters.

I hope she'll do missionary position with me.

Oh, that's gonna need a chiropractor.

Oh, he's going down.

He is down. [crowd gasps]

[dramatic music]

both: Oh!

That baby got dunked into the Old Testament.

Wow, that is it, folks.

That is the winning dunk here

at the All Saints Deacon Dunk-A-Thon.

Somebody call Jesus on the main line,

'cause I wanna get off.

Join us next month

for the Ashes to Ashes Dust to Dust fashion show.

choir: ♪ Praise him, praise him, oh ♪

[Doechii's "I Told Em"]

♪ We told 'em we was kings, we showed 'em the machine ♪

♪ I been gave 'em the keys, I been flew overseas ♪

♪ I been knew I'm a queen, I been knew I was free ♪

♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ I been whippin' the rolls, I been bookin' the shows ♪

♪ I been takin' the hoes, they been calling me doe ♪

♪ I been pickin' the clothes, I been knew I was gold ♪

♪ I told 'em, I told 'em, I told 'em ♪

♪ Holla, ooh ♪

♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ What you told 'em ♪

♪ The funk don't matter if it's not cross chatter ♪

♪ If the Black Lives Matter I would know ♪

♪ What you told 'em, what you told 'em, goddamn ♪

♪ ♪

♪ I would know, what you told 'em ♪

♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪

[Jarv Dee and Bad Colours feat. Stas THEE Boss'

"Black Skin" playing]

♪ They wanna tap in ♪

Welcome to the Who Did That?

Victorian Murder Mystery Party, baby.

I'm your host, Roxy Mentions.

And you might not not think you know whodunit,

but you haven't not no idea.

Biggity, biggity, biggity, biggity, somebody dead.

Hey, y'all!

I'm Anna, and I come to all of Roxy's events,

so if you don't understand, I will translate.

Thank you, girl, 'cause I was more confused

than an audience member at Verzuz.

- Which one? - Any one.

Oh, okay.

What she said was, "Have a good time.

We gotta solve this crime."

Then she said, "Uh, biggity, biggity, biggity, biggity,

somebody dead."

Ain't that not what I didn't not just say?

Mm-hmm.

Now drip it low

for John Doe, y'all.

- [crowd gasps] - He cute!

Did he die single?

'Cause I'd like this Charles to give me a Dickens.

At least we know he's stiff...

unlike my ex, Lavonte.

Oh, not not you trying to voodoo a new boo.

Now, I don't not need y'all to solve the mystery

of how he died.

DJ, you better not not give me some murder-solving music.

[Big Freedia's "Mm Mm Good" playing]

♪ Grab a knife and a fork, I'ma show you what it's for ♪

♪ Bounce it like a beignet ♪

♪ Now throw a shot back ♪

♪ And throw your ass up ♪

♪ I said throw a shot back and throw your ass ♪

♪ Now put your ass on your boo and find a clue ♪

Stop.

What? It could be a clue.

I gotta stop bringing you places,

because this is more embarrassing than the time

that you stole Morgan Freeman's earring.

What, he's God. He can make another one.

Ah, ah!

I got a mystery you two can solve.

What's it feel like to bleed

from the same place you pee from?

Oh! [chuckles]

That's only happened to me once.

Now I stick to brown liquor.

Who--who--whose mans is this?

My name's Craigarious,

but you can call me your pussy's professor.

I'm 'bout to do a dick-sertation on that ass.

Go on, make me a plate.

both: Whose mans is this?

- [suspenseful music] - [gasps]

- Freeda? - Not mine.

I came here very empty-handed.

Uh, DJ, uh, stop it.

- [music stops] - Mm.

Well, if this ain't not not Freeda's man,

then who will not not claim this simp po' boy?

Puff, puff, pass, ho.

There's only one way to not not find out.

- Craigarious. - Mm?

What time did you not not get to the party?

6:00.

As they say, early bird...

gets the sperm.

- Oh, my. - Okay, whose mans is this?

Sir, you can not not get up.

We have a new mystery to solve, baby.

And we need to not not solve it

before there's not not a real murder up in here.

Can I get my shoes, please?

Ladies and gentlemen,

if I can have your biggity biggity attention,

there's a new mystery afoot.

We need to not not find out whose mans this is.

Uh, DJ, uh, hit it.

Bounce them clue-chies, y'all.

[Big Freedia's "Mm Mm Good" playing]

Freeda, my body count at this party

is higher than the time

I went on spring break with City Girls,

and he's still not one of mine.

- [chuckles] Period. - Ugh.

And what about you?

Wasn't it not not you who invited this fool?

By the looks of them shoes,

you seem biggity biggity desperate.

- Mm-mm. - A not not likely story.

And what about you, bow tie?

You don't not look like you got a bean pie to sell

and a story to tell.

You better not not confess before I finna

not not biggity biggity bounce your ass on out of here.

The suspense is killing me.

Get it?

Which doesn't not bring us back to...

- Freeda. - Freeda, put down that clock!

Ah, that's the problem with y'all females.

Always playing with a man's time.

[laughs]

Like Anna always played with yours?

Uh-oh.

[yowls] [crowd gasps]

[whimpering]

Give me a biggity moment.

[whimpering]

You better not not play with me, Lavonte!

- Oh! - Lavonte!

With your cheating ass?

You should've known it was me by the way I flex my pecs.

Oh, that's my ex-mans is this.

[whining]

♪ Grab a knife and a fork, I'ma show you what it's for ♪

Bring your dead ass on over here

and show me you really alive.

You can't not not get nothing by Roxy Mentions,

positively double-negative private eye,

finna not not solve your case since 1997, Miss Thang.

[funky music]

♪ ♪

Whenever you're ready, I've been ready.

I play Roxy Mentions,

positively double-negative private eye,

but my real name is Lucinda Singletary.

And yes, I also played Roxy Mentions, kid PI,

solving murders before the streetlights come on.

It was 780 episodes of hell.

But I don't want to talk about it.

What does Roxy mean to me?

[laughs]

It means I'll never not not get that bitch

out of my life, and believe me,

I've tried.

After I wrapped "Kid PI,"

I posed nude for "Po' Boy,"

you know, Sloane Nawford's food porn magazine.

My pussy...

still smells like shrimp.

But I don't wanna talk about it.

Then I went casting couch surfing,

and I soon realized,

after I read Steve Harvey's book

"Act Like a Kid, Think Like an Adult,"

that women should never make their own decisions.

So I returned as a grown-ass Roxy Mentions on live TV,

and I looked dead in the camera and said...

Bounce them coochies, y'all.

They couldn't do a goddamn thing about it.

But I don't want to talk about it.

So you can call my therapist,

my publicist.

It's all the same bitch.

♪ ♪

- [hand dryer whirring] - Jesus!

It is only 11:00 a.m.

It is too early for Connie to be getting on my nerves...

and too late for her breath

to be stinking like that. [toilet flushes]

- [groans] - Oh, don't tell me

you hiding out in the bathroom too, Francine.

Girl, yes, just in here talking shit.

Ooh, well, can I join?

'Cause, girl, I'm backed up.

- Yes! [laughs] - Hey!

- [toilet flushes] - Welcome to "Shit Talk,"

the only talk show where we talk shit...

both: So we don't quit.

I'm your host, Francine Latrine,

and I hate my job.

They keep throwing office potlucks

and serving cat hair casseroles.

And do you know, after we had MLK Day off,

Janice in accounting gon' ask me,

"What kind of medicine does Dr. King practice?"

[crowd groans]

She know good, damn well.

- She know good and damn well. - Shit talk.

And instead of diversity and inclusion,

how about you just include more money in my check?

I hate this fucking job.

Please welcome my cohost.

This my best friend at work

because she is always ready to spill the tea.

Give it up for our office manager, Shoshanna Green.

- Hey, girl. - Oh, thank you, Francine.

I'm so happy to be here.

I mean, anything to avoid all of that team-building BS.

- Talk your shit. - You know these assholes.

They love to say, "We're a family."

No, the hell we're not.

My family would never, ever,

ever, ever, ever

have me share a cake with other people

that share the same birthday month as me.

- Talk your shit. - Uh, excuse me.

Last time I checked, our skin tones do not match.

When they come to work talking about, "I got a tan.

Look, we're the same."

No, we're not.

- Fuck 'em. - Truly, fuck these people.

Now, I heard from a little birdie

down in the shipping department that Terrence tried you.

- Terrence? - Talk your shit.

Who walks around the office with no shoes on?

That man, his sock's got more holes in it than his résumé.

- Ooh! - Ooh!

- I said that! I said it. - Talk your shit.

Has he ever tried to shake your hand

after he sneezed in it?

Girl, yes, Typhoid Terrence.

So one time, I called myself

trying to help him with a little Excel lines.

No, no, no.

Terrence, he was only interested

in lines of cocaine.

He said here with it.

- Ooh! - At his desk.

- Ooh! - Not in the break room,

not in the bathroom like a civilized drug addict.

That's some good shit talk right there.

Almost had to Control-Alt-Delete his ass.

That's why you never let incels near your Excels.

That's what they say.

And that's why we... [toilet flushes]

both: Talk shit so we don't quit.

- [laughs] - That's right.

Oh, shit. Hold on.

Oh, what are you guys doing in here?

You talking shit?

[tense music]

You know we are!

Please welcome our next guest.

You know her. You love her.

Tamar from HR.

I, um, like you guys a lot.

Um, I'm really happy to be here

instead of reading harassment complaints

from a bunch of...

- Ooh! - You better talk your shit.

- It's so bad. - Well, listen, Tamar.

You are just in time to play...

both: Guess Who Did That Shit?!

I'm gonna read something trifling

that somebody in the office did,

and you have to guess which co-jerker did it.

Oh, my God, this is so bad.

First up, this bitch starts every email with,

"Per my last email,"

and ends every email with,

"It's firing o'clock somewhere."

- Who did that shit? - Who is Lying Laura?

- [bell dings] - [gasps]

Yes, Lying Laura is correct.

Nice work.

She's always telling folks they're in hot water,

but by the shade of her pit stains,

what is she washing her clothes with,

thoughts and prayers?

both: Ooh!

I can't believe I said that. I'm so bad.

Girl, you just talking shit.

This is giving...

both: We talk shit so we don't quit.

All right.

Now, everybody knows HR are the real ones in control.

That's so bad.

Hey, you got my, uh,

18-week paid vacation request, right?

You sure you don't want 19?

- Ooh! - I'll take it.

I knew I liked you!

[laughs]

[toilet flushes] Oh, shit.

Everybody act normal. Act normal.

Y'all in here talking shit without me?

Uh...

we would never do that.

Get in here, girl!

Please welcome our special guest,

our C-suite sweetie who gives to the needy.

It is Sarai, our supply-stealing CFO.

I got Sharpies, staples,

steno pads, maxi pads.

I got you.

Can you dry-erase me out of this job?

- Oh! - That's right.

You just put out your fourth book this year...

Yes.

Called "The Quarterly Report."

Can you tell us more about that?

Absolutely.

It's mostly just numbers.

Oh.

We are bankrupt.

[crowd groans]

This place is being run by idiots.

Are you just talking shit or...

No, I'm talking unemployment.

- Is this Restoration Hardware? - I'm not sure.

So if I were y'all,

I would take this show on the road,

because these lights is getting cut off.

Oh, okay, well, that's giving...

all: Severance package!

- Whoo! - Go, severance.

Go, severance. Go, severance.

- [toilet flushes] - Shh.

They ought to pay me to--oy.

There you all are.

- Hey, Connie. - Connie!

No, your breath is fine.

Come on, we're getting ready to sing "Happy Birthday"

to all 27 people born in April.

Are we singing the Stevie version?

Who's that?

[crowd groans]

Welp, that's all the time we have on "Shit Talk."

[toilet flushes] Join us again next time.

Remember, talk your shit so you don't quit.

all: We talk shit so we don't quit.

I love this song.

all: We talk shit so we don't quit.

Wait, that's not the beat.

all: We talk shit so we don't quit.

[toilet flushes]

[suspenseful music]

Girl, I found my row. [laughs]

And I cannot believe that you ditched me

to go get yourself a free Brazilian wax

from the car wash.

It's okay, though, because, girl, I got your back.

I'ma tell you errything.

You not gonna miss nothing.

Period. Send.

Scuse me. Little booties matter.

Sorry. Hi, how y'all doing?

all: Shh!

Welcome to Aye!-M-C Theaters,

where they cater to you... I guess.

At least, that's what I heard. I wouldn't know.

I have movie theaters in all 17 of my homes.

Ooh, exclamation point.

Girl, why they got Beyoncé for the new Aye!-M-C ad now?

Oh, my gosh, it is giving Grammy-winning sophistication,

honey, yes.

Send.

[dramatic music playing]

Tell me why they making another "Fast & Furious" movie.

They got a car speeding out of a plane

shooting out of a submarine.

Like, do we even need that?

Send. [seat rattling]

Ooh, girl,

why is this preview in RealD 4D?

The seats are shaking and errything.

Oh, my--that feels so good.

Like, God is so good to me,

because I been saying for weeks that I need a massage.

This is errything.

Shut up!

[slurping]

I hope you like coffin nails, motherfucker,

'cause you're about to get buried.

Oh! Oh!

Okay, okay, okay.

So in the opening scene, look, right,

the main girl, she got chased

into a motherfucking nail salon, girl,

so she used some acrylic nails to slash at her man,

aka the killer's eyes, okay?

Nail emoji. Send.

This is the last time I meet a guy at a Nona Love concert.

Okay, girl, so now

the killer boyfriend is writing psycho notes

with lipstick or whatever and...

ooh, okay, he got some good-ass handwriting.

You know what? I ain't even gonna lie.

I can see why she fell for him.

Girl, you should check that out.

Is you into that, manuscripts?

- You can't read? - Mm!

- [screams] - She can't read in lipstick.

Send.

Okay, okay, so she found the note.

[laughs]

Okay, so now she reading the note.

"Dear Tamika"?

Who the hell is Tamika?

The note ain't even for her!

Oh, come on, talk about bad luck, boo.

How you gon' be a felon and a fuckboy, homey?

- How you gon' be that? - Shh!

First you try to kill me...

- Oh, my God. - And now you break my heart.

I feel bad for her.

Oh, my gosh.

Ooh, yes, honey,

they got it raining popcorn up in here, boo.

And it's extra butter too.

That is nice, because I'm real ashy.

Oh, my gosh, this is such an immersive experience.

Girl, I wish you was here.

I wish my bestie was here with me to experience.

- [shouts] - [shrieks]

I'm so scurred.

Ooh, I was not ready for that plot twist.

My edges are on edge right now.

- Oh, my gosh. - Ma'am?

- What? - You need to leave.

We just talking in the movie theater now?

Come on, you loud. Listen, I make $3.14 a hour.

I don't got time for this. Let's go.

Oh, my--girl, I don't know what's going on,

but they asking us to leave.

- [flatulence] - Oop, sharted.

Clearly there must be some type of, like,

natural disaster or an emergency or something.

Come on, y'all. They kicking us out.

[applause]

Thank you. All heroes don't wear capes.

You're welcome.

But y'all should really get on y'all feet and let's go.

♪ Let's beat it to the right, let's beat it to the right ♪

♪ We gotta be safe 'cause we wanna save our life ♪

[screams]

[funky music]

Everybody, everybody stop breathing.

Lucinda needs air, all the air.

Here, you can have mine.

[blowing forcefully]

Ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.

Okay, okay.

Now recite the Fabulous Five.

Zendaya, Keke Palmer, Raven-Symoné,

Kenan, and Kel.

- ♪ And all is well ♪ - ♪ Well ♪

Any more gotcha questions, and we walk.

Here.

Are you trying to kill me?

I'm sorry.

Water is racist.

When waves are crashing, you don't hear them saying,

"Nigga, nigga, nigga"?

I can't work in these conditions.

No, breathe with me. Breathe with me!

♪ ♪

[light music]

Congrats, Sharlene and Marsha,

you are the final two parents

fighting for the last kindergarten spot

here at Eazy-E College Prep.

Well, thank you, Mrs. Smith.

I am sure my daughter, Asia, would thrive here.

She's a tiny superstar.

Sounds like she'd get along great

with my little supernova, Annie.

Annie, say hi to the nice lady.

What up? I'm three.

Hold on. Hold on. [laughter]

Whose--whose parent is she?

I thought you said we were the only two

competing for the last spot.

Annie doesn't have any competition.

Annie, show them your dance.

Holy Sasquatch!

- Oh! - What up? I'm three.

She's classically and potty-trained.

Mommy, the big lady's scaring me.

- I know. - No, no, no.

Supportive fingers only, Mommy Marsha.

Here we welcome all children,

even those who come in all caps.

What up? I'm three.

Yes, Annie, we know. [chuckles nervously]

Uh, Sharlene, have you had Annie's requisite physical?

Um, all her shots?

A possible psych eval? Background check?

- Her mammogram? - She has had all of her shots.

And I would know, because I gave them to her myself.

What up? I'm three.

You know you can't trust these doctors.

They're all cuckoo. [laughs]

[smack] Okay, okay.

Anyway, do you know what a doctor said to me?

"She's not three." I said, "Oh, why?

- Because she's tall?" - Because she's ovulating?

Well, Asia here,

she's in the 98th percentile

- for six-year-o-- - [sucking]

No.

No more milk.

Not until we get home. Mommy's tender.

It hurts.

- [sucking] - Ugh!

- No, not her either. - [sucking]

- Uh, no. - What's happening?

No. It's hard weaning her off, you know.

She's clearly been eating solids

for the past 30 years.

- Solid milk. - What up? I'm three.

Okay, okay, I think, right now,

we're gonna--we're gonna do a little aptitude test.

- How about that? - What up? I'm three.

Oh, so I'm gonna need the girls to take these shapes

and put them into the right spaces.

- Okay, Annie, get up, sweetie. - You ready?

- [grunts] - It's so easy,

even a--a three-year-old could do it.

All right, ready.

Set. Match.

Okay, Asia, it's just like we practiced.

Put the corresponding shape inside--

What up? I'm three.

Oh, yippee!

Okay, um, this is not fair, because she--

Don't worry, Mommy Marsh. [chuckles]

Let's try another one. I'm sure Asia's gonna do great.

Okay?

All right, ladies.

What I need you girls to do

is take these crayons and color these pictures

inside the lines, all right?

No mistakes.

Sharlene, seriously,

- uh, is everything okay? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, 'cause I'm gonna tell you like I told my husband

when he shared his fetishes with me...

- Okay. - This... is not normal.

No, there-- there's nothing normal

about raising a gifted child.

What up? I'm three.

- Oh! - Oh, that is so good, baby!

Wow, do we have a savant?

- [growls] Damn it! - Oh!

Damn it!

Asia... do you not care, hmm?

'Cause that's what I'm getting from this

is that you don't care, that you don't want to be

in the best kindergarten so that you can thrive, okay?

I mean, what is this, huh?

You're making a mockery of me

and all I've worked for.

How am I supposed to show the other moms

I am better than them?

What up? I'm three.

Oh, I think it's hug o'clock. Come here.

Get off of her, you weirdos.

Oh, exactly, Annie.

Showing compassion is a prime example

of Eazy-E College Prep behavior.

- That's right. - You know what?

I've decided you are taking the final spot.

- What up? I'm three. - Congratulations.

Annie, we did it. Give Mommy some.

- You gotta be kidding me! - Oh, good girl.

We did it.

Oh, yes. [smack]

- Oh. - I don't need you.

- Oh. - [chuckles]

'Cause I'm just gon' go to the office

and suck off the principal like I planned.

- Ooh! Oh! - What up? I'm three.

Come on, Asia. Vámonos. [blocks clatter]

- Oh. - Breastfeeding weirdos.

Right, well, um, Sharlene,

do you mind if I speak with Annie alone for a moment?

Uh, only if she's okay with it.

What up? I'm three.

Okay, I'm gonna be right outside if you need me.

Oh, wait till Harlan hears about this.

She's gonna be so happy, she's gonna take us back.

Only be a second.

I'm trying to get back with her.

That's why I wear my ring.

You little shit.

I knew you were grown.

[with deep voice] Look here, lady.

I got a good thing going.

I'll cut you in if you don't say shit.

- [with deeper voice] Say less. - Whoa!

I been running drugs out the back of this school

for the past six months.

What you got going?

Goddamn!

Shit, I was just gon' steal some school supplies

and sell them on Amazon, but...

I think we should combine forces.

Fuck it. Let's go.

Yeah. What up? It's a deal.

You know sometimes she likes to play with tampons--

at, like, same time every month?

Don't make me start smelling pussies

and booty cracks up in here.

I'd never give my life to a man, Skip.

I belong to the streets.

Never read the Bible,

only had one hit me in the head once.

He spun that baby like I spin the block on Trudyo.

- Oh, an attitude test. - Aptitude, aptitude.

- Oh. - What up? I'm three.

- Oh, no, no. - [snaps fingers]

Well, like my hair,

Annie has experienced some new growth,

but she is Kendrick Lamar-level smart.

Annie, show them your Spanish.

- What up? I'm tres. - Isn't it bueno?

"Hey, Francine, can you explain critical race theory?"

If I could do that, I wouldn't be working here.

Asking me, "We didn't get your PTO request."

Oh, I know where I put it. Here it is.

I wore my good Randy Watson wig today and everything.

Hey, the real mystery is, who trying to fuck?

Uh, hey, ladies, just to let you know,

I eat it hot; I eat it cold.

- Fuck 'em. - Whoa!

[laughter]

I got my security. You wanna meet him?

- All right, so-- - [barking]

Oh, shit!

I'm sorry!

Say it to me in Spanish.

Lo siento.

Beautiful pronunciation.

[bright tone]

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