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1
00:00:01,876 --> 00:00:02,919
[TV static drones]
2
00:00:02,919 --> 00:00:05,964
[bright tone]
3
00:00:05,964 --> 00:00:08,091
Let the church say amen.
4
00:00:08,091 --> 00:00:09,426
all: Amen.
5
00:00:09,426 --> 00:00:10,635
Whose house is this?
6
00:00:10,635 --> 00:00:12,929
- all: God's house.
- This is God's house...
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00:00:12,929 --> 00:00:14,305
normally.
[chuckles]
8
00:00:14,305 --> 00:00:16,975
But today... it's mine.
[bell dings]
9
00:00:16,975 --> 00:00:18,435
[choir vocalizing 2 Unlimited's
"Get Ready For This"]
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00:00:18,435 --> 00:00:20,186
Hey, if you like church
and you like basketball,
11
00:00:20,186 --> 00:00:21,896
you're in the right place.
12
00:00:21,896 --> 00:00:23,064
We're here
at the longest-running
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00:00:23,064 --> 00:00:24,899
baby baptism dunk contest,
14
00:00:24,899 --> 00:00:26,359
{\an8}brought to you by Dunkin'.
15
00:00:26,359 --> 00:00:28,194
{\an8}Baptism runs on Dunkin'.
16
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,738
{\an8}I'm Kimber Zak.
17
00:00:29,738 --> 00:00:32,782
{\an8}And I'm the saved
and sanctified Skip Appeal.
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00:00:32,782 --> 00:00:35,118
{\an8}We're live at the Redman
Methodist Man Church Arena
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00:00:35,118 --> 00:00:37,287
{\an8}for an event
of biblical proportions.
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00:00:37,287 --> 00:00:38,955
{\an8}When God said
he was coming by fire,
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00:00:38,955 --> 00:00:43,084
{\an8}he wasn't lying,
because this crowd is hot.
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00:00:43,084 --> 00:00:44,127
{\an8}That's not God.
23
00:00:44,127 --> 00:00:45,837
{\an8}That's just the funk
from these sweaty deacons.
24
00:00:45,837 --> 00:00:47,756
{\an8}All right, let's meet
our first dunker.
25
00:00:47,756 --> 00:00:49,466
{\an8}He's got church home court advantage,
26
00:00:49,466 --> 00:00:51,801
{\an8}star of the Los Angeles Prayers.
27
00:00:51,801 --> 00:00:55,138
It's Deacon Hezekiah Baller!
28
00:00:55,138 --> 00:00:56,306
[crowd cheering]
29
00:00:56,306 --> 00:00:58,308
Baller's known to score
a triple-double
30
00:00:58,308 --> 00:01:00,602
after the Sunday that he
baptized a set of triplets
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00:01:00,602 --> 00:01:02,020
- and twins.
- Wow.
32
00:01:02,020 --> 00:01:03,855
Now, we can all touch and
agree that with those stats,
33
00:01:03,855 --> 00:01:06,566
even you might give your life
to Christ, Kimber.
34
00:01:06,566 --> 00:01:08,443
I'd never give my life
to a man, Skip.
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00:01:08,443 --> 00:01:09,569
I'm a lesbian.
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00:01:09,569 --> 00:01:11,279
- I'm not sure what that means.
- And we're off!
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00:01:11,279 --> 00:01:12,322
Oh, look at that.
38
00:01:12,322 --> 00:01:14,532
This is why
Deacon Hezekiah Baller
39
00:01:14,532 --> 00:01:16,785
is really MVP material.
40
00:01:16,785 --> 00:01:20,455
I mean, you see the shuffle.
You see the moves.
41
00:01:20,455 --> 00:01:22,791
Oh!
42
00:01:22,791 --> 00:01:24,334
Most Valuable Pastor!
43
00:01:24,334 --> 00:01:27,170
Michael Jordan!
44
00:01:27,170 --> 00:01:29,506
Question mark.
More like River Jordan.
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00:01:29,506 --> 00:01:32,133
I mean, if he had dunked
that baby any harder, Kimber,
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00:01:32,133 --> 00:01:33,676
you would have been
baptized too.
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00:01:33,676 --> 00:01:35,011
[laughs]
Not a chance.
48
00:01:35,011 --> 00:01:36,471
My tracksuit
is holy waterproof,
49
00:01:36,471 --> 00:01:37,472
and so is my soul.
50
00:01:37,472 --> 00:01:39,015
I did not come
to pray with y'all.
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00:01:39,015 --> 00:01:41,684
Wow, okay,
that guy is serious.
52
00:01:41,684 --> 00:01:43,770
Hey, time for those scores.
53
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:46,940
Nothing but net
and nothing but God.
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00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:48,650
Won't he dunk it?
55
00:01:48,650 --> 00:01:50,527
Hallelujah!
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00:01:50,527 --> 00:01:52,529
Holla back.
57
00:01:52,529 --> 00:01:53,613
An 8?
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00:01:53,613 --> 00:01:55,240
Rockabye, baby.
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00:01:55,240 --> 00:01:57,158
I rebuke you, choir.
[choir gasps]
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00:01:57,158 --> 00:01:58,952
Oh, that's a real blow
for Baller.
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00:01:58,952 --> 00:02:01,663
Yeah, he's gonna need to call
Tupac for a Hail Mary.
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00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:03,832
You know, Skip, I was
in this exact same position
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00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:07,085
five years ago when I was
robbed of a perfect score
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00:02:07,085 --> 00:02:09,087
on my windmill dunk
featuring my patented...
65
00:02:09,087 --> 00:02:11,214
- Tambourine shimmy.
- Tambourine shimmy.
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00:02:11,214 --> 00:02:12,382
- That's right.
- We've heard this story, yeah.
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00:02:12,382 --> 00:02:14,259
Well, Baller isn't out
just yet.
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00:02:14,259 --> 00:02:16,219
He can come back,
and so can you, Kimber,
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00:02:16,219 --> 00:02:17,971
because, just like
a Jezebel's legs,
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00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:19,764
the church is always open.
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00:02:19,764 --> 00:02:20,890
Nope, the only thing
that's open
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00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:23,059
is my DMs
for our next player.
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00:02:23,059 --> 00:02:24,435
From the Fam of God Ministries,
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00:02:24,435 --> 00:02:27,689
it's the Sacramento
King of Kings' star prophet,
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00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,191
{\an8}Pastor Trudyo Werd.
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00:02:30,191 --> 00:02:32,861
{\an8}This one here, this one,
her crosses break ankles
77
00:02:32,861 --> 00:02:34,487
like the disciples broke bread.
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00:02:34,487 --> 00:02:36,281
Oh, I don't know
the reference.
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00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:39,075
Wow, okay, is there magic
in that mullet?
80
00:02:39,075 --> 00:02:40,535
'Cause she's putting a spell
on us.
81
00:02:40,535 --> 00:02:43,913
Business in the front
and basketball in the back.
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00:02:43,913 --> 00:02:45,748
both: Oh!
83
00:02:45,748 --> 00:02:47,584
- Wow.
- Oh, holy guacamole!
84
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,253
That saint just went hard
in the paint.
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00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:53,506
You know what? Let's run
that back like the Reject.
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00:02:53,506 --> 00:02:54,799
Wow, look at this.
Now, look at this. Look.
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00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:57,176
Oh, this woman
cannot be touched,
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00:02:57,176 --> 00:02:59,012
which is bad news for me.
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00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:02,098
Whoa! Hook in the basket.
Look at that.
90
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:04,934
That dunk had more hook
than a Murphy Lee song.
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00:03:04,934 --> 00:03:06,644
Let's check out our scores.
92
00:03:06,644 --> 00:03:08,813
That dunk was lukewarm.
93
00:03:08,813 --> 00:03:10,899
- all: Oh!
- The dribble is a liar.
94
00:03:10,899 --> 00:03:13,109
[crowd jeering]
95
00:03:13,109 --> 00:03:14,903
- Boom shakalaka!
- Look at her go.
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00:03:14,903 --> 00:03:16,779
Alyoshambalakalakalaka!
97
00:03:16,779 --> 00:03:19,824
Yes, Lord! Ooh!
98
00:03:19,824 --> 00:03:21,159
Hey, the Holy Ghost
isn't gonna help you
99
00:03:21,159 --> 00:03:22,827
with that low score, Trudyo.
100
00:03:22,827 --> 00:03:24,704
This is classic Trudyo.
101
00:03:24,704 --> 00:03:26,789
She caught her first Holy Ghost
at the age of 16
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00:03:26,789 --> 00:03:28,750
at the Baltimore
Praise and Worship Festival
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00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:30,418
- and hasn't lost since.
- Shakayolaya!
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00:03:30,418 --> 00:03:32,629
Well, she lost me,
'cause that's not English.
105
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,464
And she may lose
this competition
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00:03:34,464 --> 00:03:36,299
if she can't dunk
better than that.
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00:03:36,299 --> 00:03:37,508
All right, last up,
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00:03:37,508 --> 00:03:39,677
Bishop Dr. Julius Earning,
109
00:03:39,677 --> 00:03:44,015
{\an8}free agent
for the Toronto Raptures.
110
00:03:44,015 --> 00:03:45,516
{\an8}This guy makes me nervous, Kimber.
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00:03:45,516 --> 00:03:47,727
Yeah.
[bell dings]
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00:03:47,727 --> 00:03:48,811
Oh, uh-oh.
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00:03:48,811 --> 00:03:50,480
I don't trust a man
that spins a baby.
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00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:52,690
I have a sneaking suspicion
that baby's not real.
115
00:03:52,690 --> 00:03:54,442
Here, I'ma let you hold
that baby real quick
116
00:03:54,442 --> 00:03:55,818
and I'ma start collecting.
Come on, now.
117
00:03:55,818 --> 00:03:57,904
Looks like Dr. Julius Earning
won't be playing,
118
00:03:57,904 --> 00:03:59,530
but we will be paying.
119
00:03:59,530 --> 00:04:02,283
That's right, folks,
it's offering halftime.
120
00:04:02,283 --> 00:04:03,451
It's kind of light.
121
00:04:03,451 --> 00:04:05,244
Now, how much do you tithe
a month, Skip?
122
00:04:05,244 --> 00:04:06,287
100%.
123
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:07,872
All right, the All Saints
Deacon Dunk-A-Thon
124
00:04:07,872 --> 00:04:09,290
will be right back.
125
00:04:09,290 --> 00:04:10,708
Oh, we don't have commercials.
126
00:04:10,708 --> 00:04:12,502
- And we're back.
- We're still here.
127
00:04:12,502 --> 00:04:15,129
Now, Trudyo is prepping
for her final dunk.
128
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:16,756
Like Skip praying for me
to come back to church,
129
00:04:16,756 --> 00:04:19,175
it's gonna take a miracle
for her to win.
130
00:04:19,175 --> 00:04:21,844
Well, if Trudyo beats
Hezekiah's last dunk,
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00:04:21,844 --> 00:04:23,096
she'll be resurrected.
132
00:04:23,096 --> 00:04:25,515
It's her last chance
and yours too, Kimber.
133
00:04:25,515 --> 00:04:27,308
Do you accept Jesus Christ
as your Lord and Savior?
134
00:04:27,308 --> 00:04:28,476
[laughs]
135
00:04:28,476 --> 00:04:31,437
Somebody turn to your neighbor
and say, "No, thank you."
136
00:04:31,437 --> 00:04:34,148
Fun fact: Trudyo did
some missionary work
137
00:04:34,148 --> 00:04:36,317
with the Harlem Globetrotters.
138
00:04:36,317 --> 00:04:39,779
I hope she'll do
missionary position with me.
139
00:04:39,779 --> 00:04:42,115
Oh, that's gonna need
a chiropractor.
140
00:04:42,115 --> 00:04:43,658
Oh, he's going down.
141
00:04:43,658 --> 00:04:46,452
He is down.
[crowd gasps]
142
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:48,287
[dramatic music]
143
00:04:48,287 --> 00:04:49,497
both: Oh!
144
00:04:49,497 --> 00:04:52,834
That baby got dunked
into the Old Testament.
145
00:04:52,834 --> 00:04:53,960
Wow, that is it, folks.
146
00:04:53,960 --> 00:04:55,169
That is the winning dunk here
147
00:04:55,169 --> 00:04:57,255
at the All Saints
Deacon Dunk-A-Thon.
148
00:04:57,255 --> 00:04:59,716
Somebody call Jesus
on the main line,
149
00:04:59,716 --> 00:05:00,842
'cause I wanna get off.
150
00:05:00,842 --> 00:05:01,926
Join us next month
151
00:05:01,926 --> 00:05:04,220
for the Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust fashion show.
152
00:05:04,220 --> 00:05:06,806
choir: ♪ Praise him,
praise him, oh ♪
153
00:05:06,806 --> 00:05:08,933
[Doechii's "I Told Em"]
154
00:05:08,933 --> 00:05:10,727
♪ We told 'em we was kings,
we showed 'em the machine ♪
155
00:05:10,727 --> 00:05:12,812
♪ I been gave 'em the keys,
I been flew overseas ♪
156
00:05:12,812 --> 00:05:14,856
♪ I been knew I'm a queen,
I been knew I was free ♪
157
00:05:14,856 --> 00:05:16,858
♪ I told 'em, I told 'em,
I told 'em, goddamn ♪
158
00:05:16,858 --> 00:05:18,860
♪ I been whippin' the rolls,
I been bookin' the shows ♪
159
00:05:18,860 --> 00:05:20,862
♪ I been takin' the hoes,
they been calling me doe ♪
160
00:05:20,862 --> 00:05:22,905
♪ I been pickin' the clothes,
I been knew I was gold ♪
161
00:05:22,905 --> 00:05:24,532
♪ I told 'em,
I told 'em, I told 'em ♪
162
00:05:24,532 --> 00:05:28,036
♪ Holla, ooh ♪
163
00:05:28,036 --> 00:05:30,538
♪ I told 'em, goddamn ♪
164
00:05:30,538 --> 00:05:32,582
♪ What you told 'em ♪
165
00:05:32,582 --> 00:05:36,544
♪ The funk don't matter
if it's not cross chatter ♪
166
00:05:36,544 --> 00:05:39,422
♪ If the Black Lives Matter
I would know ♪
167
00:05:39,422 --> 00:05:41,049
♪ What you told 'em,
what you told 'em, goddamn ♪
168
00:05:41,049 --> 00:05:42,550
♪ ♪
169
00:05:42,550 --> 00:05:44,093
♪ I would know,
what you told 'em ♪
170
00:05:44,093 --> 00:05:45,845
♪ What you told 'em, goddamn ♪
171
00:05:46,637 --> 00:05:48,639
[Jarv Dee and Bad Colours
feat. Stas THEE Boss'
172
00:05:48,639 --> 00:05:50,767
"Black Skin" playing]
173
00:05:50,767 --> 00:05:52,769
♪ They wanna tap in ♪
174
00:05:52,769 --> 00:05:54,228
Welcome to the Who Did That?
175
00:05:54,228 --> 00:05:56,856
Victorian Murder Mystery Party, baby.
176
00:05:56,856 --> 00:05:59,233
I'm your host, Roxy Mentions.
177
00:05:59,233 --> 00:06:00,902
And you might not not think
you know whodunit,
178
00:06:00,902 --> 00:06:02,570
but you haven't not no idea.
179
00:06:02,570 --> 00:06:04,739
Biggity, biggity, biggity,
biggity, somebody dead.
180
00:06:04,739 --> 00:06:06,616
Hey, y'all!
181
00:06:06,616 --> 00:06:09,494
I'm Anna, and I come
to all of Roxy's events,
182
00:06:09,494 --> 00:06:12,080
so if you don't understand,
I will translate.
183
00:06:12,080 --> 00:06:13,456
Thank you, girl,
'cause I was more confused
184
00:06:13,456 --> 00:06:14,999
than an audience member
at Verzuz.
185
00:06:14,999 --> 00:06:16,584
- Which one?
- Any one.
186
00:06:16,584 --> 00:06:18,086
Oh, okay.
187
00:06:18,086 --> 00:06:20,713
What she said was,
"Have a good time.
188
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:22,590
We gotta solve this crime."
189
00:06:22,590 --> 00:06:24,801
Then she said, "Uh, biggity,
biggity, biggity, biggity,
190
00:06:24,801 --> 00:06:25,885
somebody dead."
191
00:06:25,885 --> 00:06:27,428
Ain't that not what I didn't
not just say?
192
00:06:27,428 --> 00:06:28,471
Mm-hmm.
193
00:06:28,471 --> 00:06:29,847
Now drip it low
194
00:06:29,847 --> 00:06:31,224
for John Doe, y'all.
195
00:06:31,224 --> 00:06:33,684
- [crowd gasps]
- He cute!
196
00:06:33,684 --> 00:06:35,478
Did he die single?
197
00:06:35,478 --> 00:06:38,439
'Cause I'd like this Charles
to give me a Dickens.
198
00:06:38,439 --> 00:06:40,274
At least we know he's stiff...
199
00:06:40,274 --> 00:06:42,485
unlike my ex, Lavonte.
200
00:06:42,485 --> 00:06:44,821
Oh, not not you trying
to voodoo a new boo.
201
00:06:44,821 --> 00:06:46,781
Now, I don't not need y'all
to solve the mystery
202
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,116
of how he died.
203
00:06:48,116 --> 00:06:51,744
DJ, you better not not give me
some murder-solving music.
204
00:06:51,744 --> 00:06:53,746
[Big Freedia's "Mm Mm Good"
playing]
205
00:06:53,746 --> 00:06:56,290
♪ Grab a knife and a fork,
I'ma show you what it's for ♪
206
00:06:56,290 --> 00:06:57,834
♪ Bounce it like a beignet ♪
207
00:06:57,834 --> 00:06:59,502
♪ Now throw a shot back ♪
208
00:06:59,502 --> 00:07:00,670
♪ And throw your ass up ♪
209
00:07:00,670 --> 00:07:03,005
♪ I said throw a shot back
and throw your ass ♪
210
00:07:03,005 --> 00:07:08,177
♪ Now put your ass on your boo
and find a clue ♪
211
00:07:08,177 --> 00:07:09,512
Stop.
212
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,180
What?
It could be a clue.
213
00:07:11,180 --> 00:07:12,515
I gotta stop
bringing you places,
214
00:07:12,515 --> 00:07:13,975
because this is more
embarrassing than the time
215
00:07:13,975 --> 00:07:16,602
that you stole
Morgan Freeman's earring.
216
00:07:16,602 --> 00:07:18,896
What, he's God.
He can make another one.
217
00:07:18,896 --> 00:07:20,606
Ah, ah!
218
00:07:20,606 --> 00:07:22,984
I got a mystery
you two can solve.
219
00:07:22,984 --> 00:07:24,694
What's it feel like to bleed
220
00:07:24,694 --> 00:07:26,487
from the same place
you pee from?
221
00:07:26,487 --> 00:07:27,780
Oh! [chuckles]
222
00:07:27,780 --> 00:07:29,657
That's only happened
to me once.
223
00:07:29,657 --> 00:07:31,659
Now I stick to brown liquor.
224
00:07:31,659 --> 00:07:33,411
Who--who--whose mans is this?
225
00:07:33,411 --> 00:07:34,829
My name's Craigarious,
226
00:07:34,829 --> 00:07:37,331
but you can call me
your pussy's professor.
227
00:07:37,331 --> 00:07:40,626
I'm 'bout to do
a dick-sertation on that ass.
228
00:07:40,626 --> 00:07:42,044
Go on, make me a plate.
229
00:07:42,044 --> 00:07:44,881
both: Whose mans is this?
230
00:07:44,881 --> 00:07:46,215
- [suspenseful music]
- [gasps]
231
00:07:46,215 --> 00:07:47,717
- Freeda?
- Not mine.
232
00:07:47,717 --> 00:07:49,969
I came here very empty-handed.
233
00:07:49,969 --> 00:07:51,220
Uh, DJ, uh, stop it.
234
00:07:51,220 --> 00:07:52,555
- [music stops]
- Mm.
235
00:07:52,555 --> 00:07:53,848
Well, if this ain't not
not Freeda's man,
236
00:07:53,848 --> 00:07:55,725
then who will not not claim
this simp po' boy?
237
00:07:55,725 --> 00:07:57,101
Puff, puff, pass, ho.
238
00:07:57,101 --> 00:07:59,437
There's only one way
to not not find out.
239
00:07:59,437 --> 00:08:01,189
- Craigarious.
- Mm?
240
00:08:01,189 --> 00:08:02,523
What time did you not
not get to the party?
241
00:08:02,523 --> 00:08:04,192
6:00.
242
00:08:04,192 --> 00:08:06,068
As they say, early bird...
243
00:08:06,068 --> 00:08:07,195
gets the sperm.
244
00:08:07,195 --> 00:08:10,364
- Oh, my.
- Okay, whose mans is this?
245
00:08:10,364 --> 00:08:12,033
Sir, you can not
not get up.
246
00:08:12,033 --> 00:08:14,202
We have a new mystery
to solve, baby.
247
00:08:14,202 --> 00:08:15,369
And we need to not
not solve it
248
00:08:15,369 --> 00:08:17,538
before there's not
not a real murder up in here.
249
00:08:17,538 --> 00:08:18,748
Can I get my shoes, please?
250
00:08:18,748 --> 00:08:19,874
Ladies and gentlemen,
251
00:08:19,874 --> 00:08:21,209
if I can have
your biggity biggity attention,
252
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:23,127
there's a new mystery afoot.
253
00:08:23,127 --> 00:08:25,546
We need to not not find out
whose mans this is.
254
00:08:25,546 --> 00:08:27,256
Uh, DJ, uh, hit it.
255
00:08:27,256 --> 00:08:28,966
Bounce them clue-chies, y'all.
256
00:08:28,966 --> 00:08:32,094
[Big Freedia's "Mm Mm Good"
playing]
257
00:08:32,094 --> 00:08:33,429
Freeda, my body count
at this party
258
00:08:33,429 --> 00:08:34,639
is higher than the time
259
00:08:34,639 --> 00:08:36,766
I went on spring break
with City Girls,
260
00:08:36,766 --> 00:08:38,267
and he's still not one of mine.
261
00:08:38,267 --> 00:08:39,894
- [chuckles] Period.
- Ugh.
262
00:08:39,894 --> 00:08:41,187
And what about you?
263
00:08:41,187 --> 00:08:43,064
Wasn't it not not you
who invited this fool?
264
00:08:43,064 --> 00:08:44,065
By the looks of them shoes,
265
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,608
you seem biggity biggity desperate.
266
00:08:45,608 --> 00:08:48,569
- Mm-mm.
- A not not likely story.
267
00:08:48,569 --> 00:08:50,071
And what about you, bow tie?
268
00:08:50,071 --> 00:08:52,198
You don't not look like
you got a bean pie to sell
269
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,282
and a story to tell.
270
00:08:53,282 --> 00:08:54,617
You better not not confess
before I finna
271
00:08:54,617 --> 00:08:56,744
not not biggity biggity bounce
your ass on out of here.
272
00:08:56,744 --> 00:09:00,915
The suspense is killing me.
273
00:09:00,915 --> 00:09:01,916
Get it?
274
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:05,044
Which doesn't not bring us
back to...
275
00:09:05,044 --> 00:09:07,296
- Freeda.
- Freeda, put down that clock!
276
00:09:07,296 --> 00:09:10,007
Ah, that's the problem
with y'all females.
277
00:09:10,007 --> 00:09:11,968
Always playing
with a man's time.
278
00:09:11,968 --> 00:09:13,719
[laughs]
279
00:09:13,719 --> 00:09:16,180
Like Anna always played
with yours?
280
00:09:16,180 --> 00:09:17,431
Uh-oh.
281
00:09:18,933 --> 00:09:20,768
[yowls]
[crowd gasps]
282
00:09:20,768 --> 00:09:22,395
[whimpering]
283
00:09:22,395 --> 00:09:23,646
Give me a biggity moment.
284
00:09:23,646 --> 00:09:24,814
[whimpering]
285
00:09:24,814 --> 00:09:27,483
You better not not play
with me, Lavonte!
286
00:09:27,483 --> 00:09:29,443
- Oh!
- Lavonte!
287
00:09:29,443 --> 00:09:31,362
With your cheating ass?
288
00:09:31,362 --> 00:09:34,115
You should've known it was me
by the way I flex my pecs.
289
00:09:34,115 --> 00:09:37,493
Oh, that's my ex-mans
is this.
290
00:09:37,493 --> 00:09:41,205
[whining]
291
00:09:41,205 --> 00:09:43,582
♪ Grab a knife and a fork,
I'ma show you what it's for ♪
292
00:09:43,582 --> 00:09:45,001
Bring your dead ass
on over here
293
00:09:45,001 --> 00:09:46,294
and show me
you really alive.
294
00:09:46,294 --> 00:09:48,671
You can't not not get nothing
by Roxy Mentions,
295
00:09:48,671 --> 00:09:50,381
positively double-negative
private eye,
296
00:09:50,381 --> 00:09:53,384
finna not not solve your case
since 1997, Miss Thang.
297
00:09:54,593 --> 00:09:57,179
{\an8}[funky music]
298
00:09:57,179 --> 00:09:59,432
♪ ♪
299
00:09:59,432 --> 00:10:01,225
Whenever you're ready,
I've been ready.
300
00:10:01,225 --> 00:10:02,727
{\an8}I play Roxy Mentions,
301
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:05,271
{\an8}positively double-negative
private eye,
302
00:10:05,271 --> 00:10:09,400
but my real name
is Lucinda Singletary.
303
00:10:09,400 --> 00:10:12,987
And yes, I also played
Roxy Mentions, kid PI,
304
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:15,656
solving murders before
the streetlights come on.
305
00:10:15,656 --> 00:10:19,327
It was 780 episodes of hell.
306
00:10:19,327 --> 00:10:20,745
But I don't want to talk
about it.
307
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,496
What does Roxy mean to me?
308
00:10:22,496 --> 00:10:24,165
[laughs]
309
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:27,084
It means I'll never not
not get that bitch
310
00:10:27,084 --> 00:10:30,046
out of my life,
and believe me,
311
00:10:30,046 --> 00:10:31,047
I've tried.
312
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,381
After I wrapped "Kid PI,"
313
00:10:32,381 --> 00:10:34,050
I posed nude for "Po' Boy,"
314
00:10:34,050 --> 00:10:36,886
you know, Sloane Nawford's
food porn magazine.
315
00:10:36,886 --> 00:10:38,262
My pussy...
316
00:10:38,262 --> 00:10:39,722
still smells like shrimp.
317
00:10:39,722 --> 00:10:40,848
But I don't wanna talk
about it.
318
00:10:40,848 --> 00:10:42,683
Then I went
casting couch surfing,
319
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,185
and I soon realized,
320
00:10:44,185 --> 00:10:46,062
after I read
Steve Harvey's book
321
00:10:46,062 --> 00:10:49,523
"Act Like a Kid,
Think Like an Adult,"
322
00:10:49,523 --> 00:10:51,817
that women should never make
their own decisions.
323
00:10:51,817 --> 00:10:56,697
So I returned as a grown-ass
Roxy Mentions on live TV,
324
00:10:56,697 --> 00:10:58,366
and I looked dead in the camera
and said...
325
00:10:58,366 --> 00:10:59,658
Bounce them coochies, y'all.
326
00:10:59,658 --> 00:11:02,078
They couldn't do
a goddamn thing about it.
327
00:11:02,078 --> 00:11:04,372
But I don't want to talk
about it.
328
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,040
So you can call my therapist,
329
00:11:06,040 --> 00:11:06,999
my publicist.
330
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:08,542
It's all the same bitch.
331
00:11:08,542 --> 00:11:11,295
{\an8}♪ ♪
332
00:11:12,546 --> 00:11:15,007
- [hand dryer whirring]
- Jesus!
333
00:11:15,007 --> 00:11:16,467
It is only 11:00 a.m.
334
00:11:16,467 --> 00:11:18,928
It is too early for Connie
to be getting on my nerves...
335
00:11:18,928 --> 00:11:20,262
and too late for her breath
336
00:11:20,262 --> 00:11:21,597
to be stinking like that.
[toilet flushes]
337
00:11:21,597 --> 00:11:23,182
- [groans]
- Oh, don't tell me
338
00:11:23,182 --> 00:11:25,059
you hiding out in the bathroom
too, Francine.
339
00:11:25,059 --> 00:11:27,228
Girl, yes, just in here
talking shit.
340
00:11:27,228 --> 00:11:28,437
Ooh, well, can I join?
341
00:11:28,437 --> 00:11:30,106
'Cause, girl, I'm backed up.
342
00:11:30,106 --> 00:11:31,899
- Yes! [laughs]
- Hey!
343
00:11:31,899 --> 00:11:33,567
{\an8}- [toilet flushes]
- Welcome to "Shit Talk,"
344
00:11:33,567 --> 00:11:35,569
{\an8}the only talk show
where we talk shit...
345
00:11:35,569 --> 00:11:37,071
{\an8}both: So we don't quit.
346
00:11:37,071 --> 00:11:38,614
{\an8}I'm your host,
Francine Latrine,
347
00:11:38,614 --> 00:11:40,950
{\an8}and I hate my job.
348
00:11:40,950 --> 00:11:42,743
They keep throwing
office potlucks
349
00:11:42,743 --> 00:11:44,703
and serving
cat hair casseroles.
350
00:11:44,703 --> 00:11:47,248
And do you know,
after we had MLK Day off,
351
00:11:47,248 --> 00:11:49,083
Janice in accounting
gon' ask me,
352
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:51,502
"What kind of medicine
does Dr. King practice?"
353
00:11:51,502 --> 00:11:53,212
[crowd groans]
354
00:11:53,212 --> 00:11:54,672
She know good, damn well.
355
00:11:54,672 --> 00:11:56,632
- She know good and damn well.
- Shit talk.
356
00:11:56,632 --> 00:11:58,134
And instead
of diversity and inclusion,
357
00:11:58,134 --> 00:12:00,678
how about you just include
more money in my check?
358
00:12:00,678 --> 00:12:01,971
I hate this fucking job.
359
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:03,556
Please welcome my cohost.
360
00:12:03,556 --> 00:12:04,890
This my best friend at work
361
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:07,476
because she is always ready
to spill the tea.
362
00:12:07,476 --> 00:12:10,563
Give it up for our office
manager, Shoshanna Green.
363
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:13,107
{\an8}- Hey, girl.
- Oh, thank you, Francine.
364
00:12:13,107 --> 00:12:14,442
{\an8}I'm so happy to be here.
365
00:12:14,442 --> 00:12:17,445
I mean, anything to avoid
all of that team-building BS.
366
00:12:17,445 --> 00:12:18,946
- Talk your shit.
- You know these assholes.
367
00:12:18,946 --> 00:12:20,614
They love to say,
"We're a family."
368
00:12:20,614 --> 00:12:21,574
No, the hell we're not.
369
00:12:21,574 --> 00:12:23,159
My family would never, ever,
370
00:12:23,159 --> 00:12:24,243
ever, ever, ever
371
00:12:24,243 --> 00:12:25,995
have me share a cake
with other people
372
00:12:25,995 --> 00:12:27,329
that share the same
birthday month as me.
373
00:12:27,329 --> 00:12:28,664
- Talk your shit.
- Uh, excuse me.
374
00:12:28,664 --> 00:12:30,624
Last time I checked,
our skin tones do not match.
375
00:12:30,624 --> 00:12:32,251
When they come to work
talking about, "I got a tan.
376
00:12:32,251 --> 00:12:33,335
Look, we're the same."
377
00:12:33,335 --> 00:12:34,420
No, we're not.
378
00:12:34,420 --> 00:12:36,172
- Fuck 'em.
- Truly, fuck these people.
379
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:37,339
Now, I heard
from a little birdie
380
00:12:37,339 --> 00:12:38,883
down in the shipping department
that Terrence tried you.
381
00:12:38,883 --> 00:12:40,176
- Terrence?
- Talk your shit.
382
00:12:40,176 --> 00:12:42,678
Who walks around the office
with no shoes on?
383
00:12:42,678 --> 00:12:45,347
That man, his sock's got more
holes in it than his résumé.
384
00:12:45,347 --> 00:12:47,850
- Ooh!
- Ooh!
385
00:12:47,850 --> 00:12:50,019
- I said that! I said it.
- Talk your shit.
386
00:12:50,019 --> 00:12:51,353
Has he ever tried
to shake your hand
387
00:12:51,353 --> 00:12:52,480
after he sneezed in it?
388
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:54,315
Girl, yes, Typhoid Terrence.
389
00:12:54,315 --> 00:12:55,816
So one time, I called myself
390
00:12:55,816 --> 00:12:58,611
trying to help him
with a little Excel lines.
391
00:12:58,611 --> 00:12:59,653
No, no, no.
392
00:12:59,653 --> 00:13:01,155
Terrence,
he was only interested
393
00:13:01,155 --> 00:13:02,323
in lines of cocaine.
394
00:13:02,323 --> 00:13:03,532
He said here with it.
395
00:13:03,532 --> 00:13:04,492
- Ooh!
- At his desk.
396
00:13:04,492 --> 00:13:05,659
- Ooh!
- Not in the break room,
397
00:13:05,659 --> 00:13:07,203
not in the bathroom
like a civilized drug addict.
398
00:13:07,203 --> 00:13:08,329
That's some good shit talk
right there.
399
00:13:08,329 --> 00:13:09,663
Almost had
to Control-Alt-Delete his ass.
400
00:13:09,663 --> 00:13:11,749
That's why you never
let incels near your Excels.
401
00:13:11,749 --> 00:13:12,708
That's what they say.
402
00:13:12,708 --> 00:13:13,834
And that's why we...
[toilet flushes]
403
00:13:13,834 --> 00:13:16,170
both: Talk shit
so we don't quit.
404
00:13:16,170 --> 00:13:17,087
- [laughs]
- That's right.
405
00:13:17,087 --> 00:13:18,380
Oh, shit.
Hold on.
406
00:13:18,380 --> 00:13:20,382
Oh, what are you guys
doing in here?
407
00:13:20,382 --> 00:13:21,550
You talking shit?
408
00:13:21,550 --> 00:13:23,385
[tense music]
409
00:13:23,385 --> 00:13:25,054
You know we are!
410
00:13:25,054 --> 00:13:26,889
Please welcome
our next guest.
411
00:13:26,889 --> 00:13:28,057
You know her.
You love her.
412
00:13:28,057 --> 00:13:30,392
{\an8}Tamar from HR.
413
00:13:30,392 --> 00:13:32,436
I, um, like you guys a lot.
414
00:13:32,436 --> 00:13:33,729
Um, I'm really happy to be here
415
00:13:33,729 --> 00:13:35,147
instead of reading
harassment complaints
416
00:13:35,147 --> 00:13:36,398
from a bunch of...
417
00:13:36,398 --> 00:13:37,566
- Ooh!
- You better talk your shit.
418
00:13:37,566 --> 00:13:39,068
- It's so bad.
- Well, listen, Tamar.
419
00:13:39,068 --> 00:13:40,861
You are just in time to play...
420
00:13:40,861 --> 00:13:43,239
both: Guess Who Did That Shit?!
421
00:13:43,239 --> 00:13:44,532
I'm gonna read
something trifling
422
00:13:44,532 --> 00:13:45,866
that somebody
in the office did,
423
00:13:45,866 --> 00:13:47,701
and you have to guess
which co-jerker did it.
424
00:13:47,701 --> 00:13:49,203
Oh, my God, this is so bad.
425
00:13:49,203 --> 00:13:51,664
First up, this bitch
starts every email with,
426
00:13:51,664 --> 00:13:53,040
"Per my last email,"
427
00:13:53,040 --> 00:13:54,375
and ends every email with,
428
00:13:54,375 --> 00:13:56,001
"It's firing o'clock
somewhere."
429
00:13:56,001 --> 00:13:57,962
- Who did that shit?
- Who is Lying Laura?
430
00:13:57,962 --> 00:13:59,046
- [bell dings]
- [gasps]
431
00:13:59,046 --> 00:14:01,423
Yes, Lying Laura is correct.
432
00:14:01,423 --> 00:14:02,591
Nice work.
433
00:14:02,591 --> 00:14:03,759
She's always telling folks
they're in hot water,
434
00:14:03,759 --> 00:14:05,344
but by the shade
of her pit stains,
435
00:14:05,344 --> 00:14:06,929
what is she washing
her clothes with,
436
00:14:06,929 --> 00:14:07,930
thoughts and prayers?
437
00:14:07,930 --> 00:14:09,473
both: Ooh!
438
00:14:09,473 --> 00:14:11,392
I can't believe I said that.
I'm so bad.
439
00:14:11,392 --> 00:14:12,935
Girl, you just talking shit.
440
00:14:12,935 --> 00:14:13,978
This is giving...
441
00:14:13,978 --> 00:14:16,480
both: We talk shit
so we don't quit.
442
00:14:16,480 --> 00:14:17,773
All right.
443
00:14:17,773 --> 00:14:19,733
Now, everybody knows HR
are the real ones in control.
444
00:14:19,733 --> 00:14:20,985
That's so bad.
445
00:14:20,985 --> 00:14:22,611
Hey, you got my, uh,
446
00:14:22,611 --> 00:14:24,905
18-week paid vacation request, right?
447
00:14:24,905 --> 00:14:25,948
You sure you don't want 19?
448
00:14:25,948 --> 00:14:26,949
- Ooh!
- I'll take it.
449
00:14:26,949 --> 00:14:28,075
I knew I liked you!
450
00:14:28,075 --> 00:14:29,952
[laughs]
451
00:14:29,952 --> 00:14:30,911
[toilet flushes]
Oh, shit.
452
00:14:30,911 --> 00:14:32,788
Everybody act normal.
Act normal.
453
00:14:34,164 --> 00:14:35,791
Y'all in here talking shit
without me?
454
00:14:35,791 --> 00:14:37,001
Uh...
455
00:14:37,001 --> 00:14:38,002
we would never do that.
456
00:14:38,002 --> 00:14:39,003
Get in here, girl!
457
00:14:39,003 --> 00:14:40,713
Please welcome
our special guest,
458
00:14:40,713 --> 00:14:43,340
our C-suite sweetie
who gives to the needy.
459
00:14:43,340 --> 00:14:46,468
{\an8}It is Sarai,
our supply-stealing CFO.
460
00:14:46,468 --> 00:14:48,262
I got Sharpies, staples,
461
00:14:48,262 --> 00:14:49,471
steno pads, maxi pads.
462
00:14:49,471 --> 00:14:51,098
I got you.
463
00:14:51,098 --> 00:14:52,516
Can you dry-erase me
out of this job?
464
00:14:52,516 --> 00:14:53,642
- Oh!
- That's right.
465
00:14:53,642 --> 00:14:55,603
You just put out
your fourth book this year...
466
00:14:55,603 --> 00:14:56,645
Yes.
467
00:14:56,645 --> 00:14:57,771
Called
"The Quarterly Report."
468
00:14:57,771 --> 00:14:59,106
Can you tell us more
about that?
469
00:14:59,106 --> 00:15:00,274
Absolutely.
470
00:15:00,274 --> 00:15:02,735
It's mostly just numbers.
471
00:15:02,735 --> 00:15:03,736
Oh.
472
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,946
We are bankrupt.
473
00:15:05,946 --> 00:15:07,114
[crowd groans]
474
00:15:07,114 --> 00:15:08,657
This place is being run
by idiots.
475
00:15:08,657 --> 00:15:09,992
Are you just talking shit or...
476
00:15:09,992 --> 00:15:12,286
No, I'm talking unemployment.
477
00:15:12,286 --> 00:15:14,705
- Is this Restoration Hardware?
- I'm not sure.
478
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:16,248
So if I were y'all,
479
00:15:16,248 --> 00:15:17,458
I would take this show
on the road,
480
00:15:17,458 --> 00:15:20,169
because these lights
is getting cut off.
481
00:15:20,169 --> 00:15:23,005
Oh, okay, well,
that's giving...
482
00:15:23,005 --> 00:15:25,341
all: Severance package!
483
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:27,176
- Whoo!
- Go, severance.
484
00:15:27,176 --> 00:15:31,013
Go, severance.
Go, severance.
485
00:15:31,013 --> 00:15:32,348
- [toilet flushes]
- Shh.
486
00:15:32,348 --> 00:15:33,390
They ought to pay me to--oy.
487
00:15:33,390 --> 00:15:35,392
There you all are.
488
00:15:35,392 --> 00:15:37,102
- Hey, Connie.
- Connie!
489
00:15:37,102 --> 00:15:38,312
No, your breath is fine.
490
00:15:38,312 --> 00:15:39,980
Come on, we're getting ready
to sing "Happy Birthday"
491
00:15:39,980 --> 00:15:41,774
to all 27 people born in April.
492
00:15:42,733 --> 00:15:44,026
Are we singing
the Stevie version?
493
00:15:44,026 --> 00:15:45,027
Who's that?
494
00:15:45,027 --> 00:15:46,362
[crowd groans]
495
00:15:46,362 --> 00:15:48,197
Welp, that's all the time
we have on "Shit Talk."
496
00:15:48,197 --> 00:15:49,657
[toilet flushes]
Join us again next time.
497
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:52,618
Remember, talk your shit
so you don't quit.
498
00:15:52,618 --> 00:15:54,495
all: We talk shit
so we don't quit.
499
00:15:54,495 --> 00:15:55,663
I love this song.
500
00:15:55,663 --> 00:15:56,664
all: We talk shit
so we don't quit.
501
00:15:56,664 --> 00:15:57,665
Wait, that's not the beat.
502
00:15:57,665 --> 00:16:00,834
all: We talk shit
so we don't quit.
503
00:16:00,834 --> 00:16:02,628
[toilet flushes]
504
00:16:02,628 --> 00:16:05,214
[suspenseful music]
505
00:16:05,214 --> 00:16:06,715
Girl, I found my row.
[laughs]
506
00:16:06,715 --> 00:16:08,467
And I cannot believe
that you ditched me
507
00:16:08,467 --> 00:16:10,094
to go get yourself
a free Brazilian wax
508
00:16:10,094 --> 00:16:11,220
from the car wash.
509
00:16:11,220 --> 00:16:12,846
It's okay, though,
because, girl, I got your back.
510
00:16:12,846 --> 00:16:13,847
I'ma tell you errything.
511
00:16:13,847 --> 00:16:15,057
You not gonna miss nothing.
512
00:16:15,057 --> 00:16:16,058
Period. Send.
513
00:16:16,058 --> 00:16:17,559
Scuse me.
Little booties matter.
514
00:16:17,559 --> 00:16:19,436
Sorry.
Hi, how y'all doing?
515
00:16:19,436 --> 00:16:20,521
all: Shh!
516
00:16:20,521 --> 00:16:21,939
Welcome
to Aye!-M-C Theaters,
517
00:16:21,939 --> 00:16:24,024
where they cater to you...
I guess.
518
00:16:24,024 --> 00:16:26,235
At least, that's what I heard.
I wouldn't know.
519
00:16:26,235 --> 00:16:29,446
I have movie theaters
in all 17 of my homes.
520
00:16:29,446 --> 00:16:31,573
Ooh, exclamation point.
521
00:16:31,573 --> 00:16:34,702
Girl, why they got Beyoncé
for the new Aye!-M-C ad now?
522
00:16:34,702 --> 00:16:37,538
Oh, my gosh, it is giving
Grammy-winning sophistication,
523
00:16:37,538 --> 00:16:39,206
honey, yes.
524
00:16:39,206 --> 00:16:40,541
Send.
525
00:16:40,541 --> 00:16:41,750
[dramatic music playing]
526
00:16:41,750 --> 00:16:44,128
Tell me why they making
another "Fast & Furious" movie.
527
00:16:44,128 --> 00:16:45,754
They got a car
speeding out of a plane
528
00:16:45,754 --> 00:16:46,755
shooting out of a submarine.
529
00:16:46,755 --> 00:16:48,132
Like, do we even need that?
530
00:16:48,132 --> 00:16:49,591
Send.
[seat rattling]
531
00:16:49,591 --> 00:16:50,968
Ooh, girl,
532
00:16:50,968 --> 00:16:53,554
why is this preview
in RealD 4D?
533
00:16:53,554 --> 00:16:55,764
The seats are shaking
and errything.
534
00:16:55,764 --> 00:16:57,599
Oh, my--that feels so good.
535
00:16:57,599 --> 00:16:58,892
Like, God is so good to me,
536
00:16:58,892 --> 00:17:00,811
because I been saying for weeks
that I need a massage.
537
00:17:00,811 --> 00:17:01,770
This is errything.
538
00:17:01,770 --> 00:17:02,771
Shut up!
539
00:17:02,771 --> 00:17:04,398
[slurping]
540
00:17:04,398 --> 00:17:07,151
I hope you like
coffin nails, motherfucker,
541
00:17:07,151 --> 00:17:09,028
'cause you're about
to get buried.
542
00:17:09,028 --> 00:17:10,779
Oh! Oh!
543
00:17:10,779 --> 00:17:12,740
Okay, okay, okay.
544
00:17:12,740 --> 00:17:14,408
So in the opening scene,
look, right,
545
00:17:14,408 --> 00:17:15,576
the main girl, she got chased
546
00:17:15,576 --> 00:17:17,453
into a motherfucking
nail salon, girl,
547
00:17:17,453 --> 00:17:20,581
so she used some acrylic nails
to slash at her man,
548
00:17:20,581 --> 00:17:22,249
aka the killer's eyes, okay?
549
00:17:22,249 --> 00:17:23,751
Nail emoji. Send.
550
00:17:23,751 --> 00:17:26,336
This is the last time I meet
a guy at a Nona Love concert.
551
00:17:26,336 --> 00:17:29,131
Okay, girl, so now
552
00:17:29,131 --> 00:17:31,925
the killer boyfriend is writing
psycho notes
553
00:17:31,925 --> 00:17:34,219
with lipstick
or whatever and...
554
00:17:34,219 --> 00:17:37,681
ooh, okay, he got
some good-ass handwriting.
555
00:17:37,681 --> 00:17:39,141
You know what?
I ain't even gonna lie.
556
00:17:39,141 --> 00:17:40,809
I can see why she fell for him.
557
00:17:40,809 --> 00:17:41,810
Girl, you should
check that out.
558
00:17:41,810 --> 00:17:43,604
Is you into that, manuscripts?
559
00:17:44,772 --> 00:17:45,939
- You can't read?
- Mm!
560
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,232
- [screams]
- She can't read in lipstick.
561
00:17:47,232 --> 00:17:48,901
Send.
562
00:17:48,901 --> 00:17:50,652
Okay, okay,
so she found the note.
563
00:17:50,652 --> 00:17:51,653
[laughs]
564
00:17:51,653 --> 00:17:52,946
Okay, so now she reading
the note.
565
00:17:52,946 --> 00:17:54,156
"Dear Tamika"?
566
00:17:54,156 --> 00:17:55,949
Who the hell is Tamika?
567
00:17:55,949 --> 00:17:57,367
The note ain't even for her!
568
00:17:57,367 --> 00:18:00,454
Oh, come on,
talk about bad luck, boo.
569
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:02,122
How you gon' be a felon
and a fuckboy, homey?
570
00:18:02,122 --> 00:18:03,123
- How you gon' be that?
- Shh!
571
00:18:03,123 --> 00:18:04,249
First you try to kill me...
572
00:18:04,249 --> 00:18:06,627
- Oh, my God.
- And now you break my heart.
573
00:18:06,627 --> 00:18:08,128
I feel bad for her.
574
00:18:08,128 --> 00:18:09,338
Oh, my gosh.
575
00:18:09,338 --> 00:18:10,380
Ooh, yes, honey,
576
00:18:10,380 --> 00:18:13,217
they got it raining popcorn
up in here, boo.
577
00:18:13,217 --> 00:18:14,510
And it's extra butter too.
578
00:18:14,510 --> 00:18:17,513
That is nice,
because I'm real ashy.
579
00:18:17,513 --> 00:18:19,348
Oh, my gosh, this is
such an immersive experience.
580
00:18:19,348 --> 00:18:20,474
Girl, I wish you was here.
581
00:18:20,474 --> 00:18:23,519
I wish my bestie was here
with me to experience.
582
00:18:23,519 --> 00:18:25,020
- [shouts]
- [shrieks]
583
00:18:26,647 --> 00:18:28,398
I'm so scurred.
584
00:18:28,398 --> 00:18:30,651
Ooh, I was not ready
for that plot twist.
585
00:18:30,651 --> 00:18:32,194
My edges are on edge right now.
586
00:18:32,194 --> 00:18:33,195
- Oh, my gosh.
- Ma'am?
587
00:18:33,195 --> 00:18:34,488
- What?
- You need to leave.
588
00:18:34,488 --> 00:18:36,156
We just talking
in the movie theater now?
589
00:18:36,156 --> 00:18:38,367
Come on, you loud.
Listen, I make $3.14 a hour.
590
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:39,868
I don't got time for this.
Let's go.
591
00:18:39,868 --> 00:18:41,495
Oh, my--girl, I don't know
what's going on,
592
00:18:41,495 --> 00:18:43,205
but they asking us to leave.
593
00:18:43,205 --> 00:18:44,581
- [flatulence]
- Oop, sharted.
594
00:18:44,581 --> 00:18:45,916
Clearly there must be
some type of, like,
595
00:18:45,916 --> 00:18:47,960
natural disaster
or an emergency or something.
596
00:18:47,960 --> 00:18:50,212
Come on, y'all.
They kicking us out.
597
00:18:50,212 --> 00:18:51,380
[applause]
598
00:18:51,380 --> 00:18:53,257
Thank you.
All heroes don't wear capes.
599
00:18:53,257 --> 00:18:54,550
You're welcome.
600
00:18:54,550 --> 00:18:56,385
But y'all should really get
on y'all feet and let's go.
601
00:18:56,385 --> 00:18:58,720
♪ Let's beat it to the right,
let's beat it to the right ♪
602
00:18:58,720 --> 00:19:00,931
♪ We gotta be safe
'cause we wanna save our life ♪
603
00:19:00,931 --> 00:19:03,559
[screams]
604
00:19:03,559 --> 00:19:05,185
{\an8}[funky music]
605
00:19:05,185 --> 00:19:06,603
{\an8}Everybody,
everybody stop breathing.
606
00:19:06,603 --> 00:19:08,522
{\an8}Lucinda needs air, all the air.
607
00:19:08,522 --> 00:19:10,399
{\an8}Here, you can have mine.
608
00:19:10,399 --> 00:19:13,235
[blowing forcefully]
609
00:19:13,235 --> 00:19:15,153
Ey, ey, ey, ey,
ey, ey, ey, ey, ey.
610
00:19:15,153 --> 00:19:16,196
Okay, okay.
611
00:19:16,196 --> 00:19:18,198
Now recite the Fabulous Five.
612
00:19:18,198 --> 00:19:20,534
Zendaya, Keke Palmer,
Raven-Symoné,
613
00:19:20,534 --> 00:19:21,577
Kenan, and Kel.
614
00:19:21,577 --> 00:19:24,955
- ♪ And all is well ♪
- ♪ Well ♪
615
00:19:24,955 --> 00:19:26,582
Any more gotcha questions,
and we walk.
616
00:19:26,582 --> 00:19:27,958
Here.
617
00:19:27,958 --> 00:19:29,918
Are you trying to kill me?
618
00:19:29,918 --> 00:19:30,961
I'm sorry.
619
00:19:30,961 --> 00:19:32,796
Water is racist.
620
00:19:32,796 --> 00:19:35,132
When waves are crashing,
you don't hear them saying,
621
00:19:35,132 --> 00:19:37,426
"Nigga, nigga, nigga"?
622
00:19:37,426 --> 00:19:39,136
I can't work
in these conditions.
623
00:19:39,136 --> 00:19:41,471
No, breathe with me.
Breathe with me!
624
00:19:41,471 --> 00:19:44,182
{\an8}♪ ♪
625
00:19:45,976 --> 00:19:47,728
{\an8}[light music]
626
00:19:47,728 --> 00:19:49,396
Congrats,
Sharlene and Marsha,
627
00:19:49,396 --> 00:19:50,939
you are the final two parents
628
00:19:50,939 --> 00:19:53,066
fighting for the last
kindergarten spot
629
00:19:53,066 --> 00:19:54,735
here at Eazy-E College Prep.
630
00:19:54,735 --> 00:19:56,570
Well, thank you, Mrs. Smith.
631
00:19:56,570 --> 00:19:59,907
I am sure my daughter, Asia,
would thrive here.
632
00:19:59,907 --> 00:20:01,408
She's a tiny superstar.
633
00:20:01,408 --> 00:20:02,743
Sounds like
she'd get along great
634
00:20:02,743 --> 00:20:05,412
with my little supernova, Annie.
635
00:20:05,412 --> 00:20:07,456
Annie, say hi to the nice lady.
636
00:20:07,456 --> 00:20:08,916
What up? I'm three.
637
00:20:08,916 --> 00:20:10,667
Hold on. Hold on.
[laughter]
638
00:20:10,667 --> 00:20:12,336
Whose--whose parent is she?
639
00:20:12,336 --> 00:20:14,630
I thought you said
we were the only two
640
00:20:14,630 --> 00:20:16,173
competing for the last spot.
641
00:20:16,173 --> 00:20:18,383
Annie doesn't have
any competition.
642
00:20:18,383 --> 00:20:20,260
Annie, show them your dance.
643
00:20:20,260 --> 00:20:21,678
Holy Sasquatch!
644
00:20:21,678 --> 00:20:23,513
- Oh!
- What up? I'm three.
645
00:20:23,513 --> 00:20:25,599
She's classically
and potty-trained.
646
00:20:25,599 --> 00:20:28,185
Mommy, the big lady's
scaring me.
647
00:20:28,185 --> 00:20:30,228
- I know.
- No, no, no.
648
00:20:30,228 --> 00:20:33,607
Supportive fingers only,
Mommy Marsha.
649
00:20:33,607 --> 00:20:36,610
Here we welcome all children,
650
00:20:36,610 --> 00:20:39,154
even those who come
in all caps.
651
00:20:39,154 --> 00:20:40,322
What up? I'm three.
652
00:20:40,322 --> 00:20:42,574
Yes, Annie, we know.
[chuckles nervously]
653
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:46,745
Uh, Sharlene, have you had
Annie's requisite physical?
654
00:20:46,745 --> 00:20:48,121
Um, all her shots?
655
00:20:48,121 --> 00:20:50,624
A possible psych eval?
Background check?
656
00:20:50,624 --> 00:20:52,626
- Her mammogram?
- She has had all of her shots.
657
00:20:52,626 --> 00:20:55,003
And I would know, because
I gave them to her myself.
658
00:20:55,003 --> 00:20:56,004
What up? I'm three.
659
00:20:56,004 --> 00:20:57,673
You know you can't trust
these doctors.
660
00:20:57,673 --> 00:20:59,424
They're all cuckoo.
[laughs]
661
00:20:59,424 --> 00:21:01,426
[smack]
Okay, okay.
662
00:21:01,426 --> 00:21:03,720
Anyway, do you know
what a doctor said to me?
663
00:21:03,720 --> 00:21:05,847
"She's not three."
I said, "Oh, why?
664
00:21:05,847 --> 00:21:07,349
- Because she's tall?"
- Because she's ovulating?
665
00:21:07,349 --> 00:21:09,101
Well, Asia here,
666
00:21:09,101 --> 00:21:11,019
she's in the 98th percentile
667
00:21:11,019 --> 00:21:12,229
- for six-year-o--
- [sucking]
668
00:21:12,229 --> 00:21:13,230
No.
669
00:21:13,230 --> 00:21:14,356
No more milk.
670
00:21:14,356 --> 00:21:16,108
Not until we get home.
Mommy's tender.
671
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:17,109
It hurts.
672
00:21:17,109 --> 00:21:18,527
- [sucking]
- Ugh!
673
00:21:18,527 --> 00:21:19,528
- No, not her either.
- [sucking]
674
00:21:19,528 --> 00:21:20,821
- Uh, no.
- What's happening?
675
00:21:20,821 --> 00:21:22,781
No. It's hard
weaning her off, you know.
676
00:21:22,781 --> 00:21:25,325
She's clearly
been eating solids
677
00:21:25,325 --> 00:21:26,618
for the past 30 years.
678
00:21:26,618 --> 00:21:28,120
- Solid milk.
- What up? I'm three.
679
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:30,163
Okay, okay, I think,
right now,
680
00:21:30,163 --> 00:21:32,582
we're gonna--we're gonna do
a little aptitude test.
681
00:21:32,582 --> 00:21:34,501
- How about that?
- What up? I'm three.
682
00:21:34,501 --> 00:21:37,421
Oh, so I'm gonna need
the girls to take these shapes
683
00:21:37,421 --> 00:21:39,881
and put them
into the right spaces.
684
00:21:39,881 --> 00:21:41,842
- Okay, Annie, get up, sweetie.
- You ready?
685
00:21:41,842 --> 00:21:43,427
- [grunts]
- It's so easy,
686
00:21:43,427 --> 00:21:45,429
even a--a three-year-old
could do it.
687
00:21:45,429 --> 00:21:47,097
All right, ready.
688
00:21:47,097 --> 00:21:48,307
Set. Match.
689
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,434
Okay, Asia,
it's just like we practiced.
690
00:21:50,434 --> 00:21:52,894
Put the corresponding shape
inside--
691
00:21:52,894 --> 00:21:54,271
What up? I'm three.
692
00:21:54,271 --> 00:21:55,522
Oh, yippee!
693
00:21:55,522 --> 00:21:58,984
Okay, um, this is not fair,
because she--
694
00:21:58,984 --> 00:22:01,153
Don't worry, Mommy Marsh.
[chuckles]
695
00:22:01,153 --> 00:22:04,031
Let's try another one.
I'm sure Asia's gonna do great.
696
00:22:04,031 --> 00:22:05,073
Okay?
697
00:22:05,073 --> 00:22:06,283
All right, ladies.
698
00:22:06,283 --> 00:22:07,951
What I need you girls to do
699
00:22:07,951 --> 00:22:11,371
is take these crayons
and color these pictures
700
00:22:11,371 --> 00:22:13,206
inside the lines, all right?
701
00:22:13,206 --> 00:22:14,916
No mistakes.
702
00:22:14,916 --> 00:22:16,251
Sharlene, seriously,
703
00:22:16,251 --> 00:22:18,045
- uh, is everything okay?
- Mm-hmm.
704
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:20,213
Okay, 'cause I'm gonna
tell you like I told my husband
705
00:22:20,213 --> 00:22:22,424
when he shared his fetishes
with me...
706
00:22:22,424 --> 00:22:25,969
- Okay.
- This... is not normal.
707
00:22:25,969 --> 00:22:27,763
No, there--
there's nothing normal
708
00:22:27,763 --> 00:22:29,848
about raising a gifted child.
709
00:22:29,848 --> 00:22:31,058
What up? I'm three.
710
00:22:31,058 --> 00:22:33,101
- Oh!
- Oh, that is so good, baby!
711
00:22:33,101 --> 00:22:35,604
Wow, do we have a savant?
712
00:22:35,604 --> 00:22:37,564
- [growls] Damn it!
- Oh!
713
00:22:37,564 --> 00:22:38,899
Damn it!
714
00:22:38,899 --> 00:22:41,902
Asia... do you not care, hmm?
715
00:22:41,902 --> 00:22:43,195
'Cause that's what I'm getting
from this
716
00:22:43,195 --> 00:22:45,280
is that you don't care,
that you don't want to be
717
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:49,451
in the best kindergarten
so that you can thrive, okay?
718
00:22:49,451 --> 00:22:51,870
I mean, what is this, huh?
719
00:22:51,870 --> 00:22:53,497
You're making a mockery of me
720
00:22:53,497 --> 00:22:54,873
and all I've worked for.
721
00:22:54,873 --> 00:22:57,125
How am I supposed to show
the other moms
722
00:22:57,125 --> 00:22:58,710
I am better than them?
723
00:22:58,710 --> 00:23:00,045
What up? I'm three.
724
00:23:00,045 --> 00:23:01,922
Oh, I think it's hug o'clock.
Come here.
725
00:23:01,922 --> 00:23:03,757
Get off of her, you weirdos.
726
00:23:03,757 --> 00:23:05,384
Oh, exactly, Annie.
727
00:23:05,384 --> 00:23:07,803
Showing compassion
is a prime example
728
00:23:07,803 --> 00:23:10,305
of Eazy-E College Prep behavior.
729
00:23:10,305 --> 00:23:11,640
- That's right.
- You know what?
730
00:23:11,640 --> 00:23:14,810
I've decided you are taking
the final spot.
731
00:23:14,810 --> 00:23:15,852
- What up? I'm three.
- Congratulations.
732
00:23:15,852 --> 00:23:16,978
Annie, we did it.
Give Mommy some.
733
00:23:16,978 --> 00:23:18,313
- You gotta be kidding me!
- Oh, good girl.
734
00:23:18,313 --> 00:23:19,314
We did it.
735
00:23:19,314 --> 00:23:20,315
Oh, yes.
[smack]
736
00:23:20,315 --> 00:23:22,484
- Oh.
- I don't need you.
737
00:23:22,484 --> 00:23:23,735
- Oh.
- [chuckles]
738
00:23:23,735 --> 00:23:25,612
'Cause I'm just gon' go
to the office
739
00:23:25,612 --> 00:23:27,405
and suck off the principal
like I planned.
740
00:23:27,405 --> 00:23:29,282
- Ooh! Oh!
- What up? I'm three.
741
00:23:29,282 --> 00:23:31,118
Come on, Asia. Vámonos.
[blocks clatter]
742
00:23:31,118 --> 00:23:32,953
- Oh.
- Breastfeeding weirdos.
743
00:23:32,953 --> 00:23:35,747
Right, well, um, Sharlene,
744
00:23:35,747 --> 00:23:39,459
do you mind if I speak
with Annie alone for a moment?
745
00:23:39,459 --> 00:23:41,086
Uh, only if she's okay
with it.
746
00:23:41,086 --> 00:23:42,170
What up? I'm three.
747
00:23:42,170 --> 00:23:43,922
Okay, I'm gonna be
right outside if you need me.
748
00:23:43,922 --> 00:23:46,174
Oh, wait till Harlan
hears about this.
749
00:23:46,174 --> 00:23:48,510
She's gonna be so happy,
she's gonna take us back.
750
00:23:48,510 --> 00:23:49,511
Only be a second.
751
00:23:49,511 --> 00:23:50,762
I'm trying to get back
with her.
752
00:23:50,762 --> 00:23:52,264
That's why I wear my ring.
753
00:23:53,640 --> 00:23:54,808
You little shit.
754
00:23:54,808 --> 00:23:56,184
I knew you were grown.
755
00:23:56,184 --> 00:23:57,727
[with deep voice]
Look here, lady.
756
00:23:57,727 --> 00:23:59,688
I got a good thing going.
757
00:23:59,688 --> 00:24:01,565
I'll cut you in
if you don't say shit.
758
00:24:01,565 --> 00:24:02,816
- [with deeper voice] Say less.
- Whoa!
759
00:24:02,816 --> 00:24:04,401
I been running drugs
out the back of this school
760
00:24:04,401 --> 00:24:06,153
for the past six months.
761
00:24:06,153 --> 00:24:07,487
What you got going?
762
00:24:07,487 --> 00:24:09,030
Goddamn!
763
00:24:09,030 --> 00:24:11,658
Shit, I was just gon' steal
some school supplies
764
00:24:11,658 --> 00:24:13,660
and sell them on Amazon, but...
765
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,579
I think
we should combine forces.
766
00:24:15,579 --> 00:24:16,997
Fuck it. Let's go.
767
00:24:16,997 --> 00:24:19,249
Yeah.
What up? It's a deal.
768
00:24:20,542 --> 00:24:22,335
You know sometimes she likes
to play with tampons--
769
00:24:22,335 --> 00:24:24,087
at, like, same time
every month?
770
00:24:24,087 --> 00:24:25,255
Don't make me start
smelling pussies
771
00:24:25,255 --> 00:24:26,339
and booty cracks up in here.
772
00:24:26,339 --> 00:24:28,091
I'd never give my life
to a man, Skip.
773
00:24:28,091 --> 00:24:29,426
I belong to the streets.
774
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:30,427
Never read the Bible,
775
00:24:30,427 --> 00:24:32,053
only had one
hit me in the head once.
776
00:24:32,053 --> 00:24:34,556
He spun that baby like
I spin the block on Trudyo.
777
00:24:34,556 --> 00:24:36,224
- Oh, an attitude test.
- Aptitude, aptitude.
778
00:24:36,224 --> 00:24:37,601
- Oh.
- What up? I'm three.
779
00:24:37,601 --> 00:24:38,643
- Oh, no, no.
- [snaps fingers]
780
00:24:38,643 --> 00:24:39,686
Well, like my hair,
781
00:24:39,686 --> 00:24:41,688
Annie has experienced
some new growth,
782
00:24:41,688 --> 00:24:44,858
but she is
Kendrick Lamar-level smart.
783
00:24:44,858 --> 00:24:46,401
Annie, show them your Spanish.
784
00:24:46,401 --> 00:24:48,737
- What up? I'm tres.
- Isn't it bueno?
785
00:24:48,737 --> 00:24:51,531
"Hey, Francine, can you
explain critical race theory?"
786
00:24:51,531 --> 00:24:53,408
If I could do that,
I wouldn't be working here.
787
00:24:53,408 --> 00:24:56,161
Asking me, "We didn't get
your PTO request."
788
00:24:56,161 --> 00:24:58,580
Oh, I know where I put it.
Here it is.
789
00:24:58,580 --> 00:25:01,041
I wore my good Randy Watson wig
today and everything.
790
00:25:01,041 --> 00:25:03,960
Hey, the real mystery is,
who trying to fuck?
791
00:25:03,960 --> 00:25:06,004
Uh, hey, ladies,
just to let you know,
792
00:25:06,004 --> 00:25:08,298
I eat it hot; I eat it cold.
793
00:25:08,298 --> 00:25:09,841
- Fuck 'em.
- Whoa!
794
00:25:09,841 --> 00:25:11,092
[laughter]
795
00:25:11,092 --> 00:25:12,761
I got my security.
You wanna meet him?
796
00:25:12,761 --> 00:25:13,929
- All right, so--
- [barking]
797
00:25:13,929 --> 00:25:14,930
Oh, shit!
798
00:25:14,930 --> 00:25:16,306
I'm sorry!
799
00:25:16,306 --> 00:25:17,766
Say it to me in Spanish.
800
00:25:17,766 --> 00:25:19,351
Lo siento.
801
00:25:19,351 --> 00:25:21,728
Beautiful pronunciation.
802
00:25:33,698 --> 00:25:36,243
[bright tone]
803
00:25:36,293 --> 00:25:40,843
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